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Previously on Making History
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Hey, so you know how we wanted to take
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our Chicago money and buy
that ice cream parlor for Deb?
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Hi!
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Who wants ice cream? (laughs)
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My future at this college
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depends on me
getting something from them.
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You just ruined my apartment!
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Tenure is off the table for you.
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I drank John Hancock's urine!
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Dan, you're fired from ice cream.
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What?
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Synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
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DEBORAH: All right,
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so you are my first official customers.
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I look forward to any opinions
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or suggestions.
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Deborah, my honest feedback:
this friggin' rules.
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Don't change a thing.
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ADAMS: Every tooth is in extreme pain,
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and my gout toe is
throbbing with bliss.
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Hey, where is Daniel?
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Oh, he hates good-byes,
so he's crying in the freezer.
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That sounds like something
I'd like to see.
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Nope. You're done.
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You ruined every part of my life,
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so we're going back to 1775.
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Mmm, mmm. Yum, yum.
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A perfect end to a perfect visit.
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Get in the bag.
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2017 blows! Adams out!
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(door opens, bell jingles)
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Here you go.
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(grunting)
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This is definitely not just
tap water in a plastic jug.
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Who is this sturdy angel
who walks among us?
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DEBORAH: Oh, that's Melanie.
She's my friend
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and a water delivery specialist.
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CHRIS: Well, thanks for
the water, Melanie.
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Bye. We were just leaving.
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Your hands are strong and calloused.
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Let us be lovers.
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ADAMS: Or whisper, "Amour,"
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and I shall be yours
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for eternity.
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Adams back in!
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- We're staying.
- No!
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Yes!
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HANCOCK: Melanie?
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Your head is like a melon
(guitar strumming)
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Your body like a pear
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Your ears are like two turnips
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I want to eat your hair.
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(Deborah sighs)
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My favorite Colonial love song.
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ADAMS: Melanie! Watch!
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(grunting)
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I performed a feat of tumbling!
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Did you look?
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- Were you looking?
- Hey, you guys are still here.
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Great somersault.
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- Are these guys in a play or something?
- Sure,
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that works.
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Well, you got some weirdo friends, Deb,
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- (phone buzzes)
- Oh, I got to go.
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My ex-stepdaughter's
stuck in a bumper car.
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But, Melanie, if you leave, I'll die!
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(door opens and closes, bell jingles)
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How am I not dead?
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I must possess her! I must, I must!
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Okay, enough.
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This isn't Colonial times.
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Melanie gets to decide
if she wants to be courted.
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(both laughing)
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Okay, Deb.
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ADAMS: Yeah, good one, Deb.
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Hey, she's serious.
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And Melanie's not being courted at all
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because you two are going home.
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No! I request that you
yield from this woman.
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And I request that you
drown yourself in a bog.
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That's a low blow.
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Preying on my crippling fear of bogs!
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Guys!
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It's pronounced "blog."
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Don't worry, Daniel,
he won't do anything about it.
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He... is a poltroon.
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(gasps)
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DEBORAH: The "P" word.
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The most vile epithet
you can call a man.
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What's a poltroon?
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A coward.
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How dare you utter "poltroon" at me!
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I challenge you
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to...
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a duel!
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DAN: Okay, okay, guys...
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Shh! This is actually
interesting to me,
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let it play out.
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A duel?
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Pistols in an open field.
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I accept.
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I can't wait to wear
a necklace of your teeth.
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I will defile your cadaver
with my "yoo-rine."
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I will mount your head on a pike
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and use it as a hat rack.
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Ugly hats only.
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HANCOCK: I shall bury you
in a shallow grave,
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which will allow me to dig you up often
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and taunt your corpse!
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I can't wait to introduce
my bullet to your brains.
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I will dance a full jig
on your deceased chest!
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Bullet brain. Chest dance!
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Yes! A real Colonial duel.
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(jazz playing)
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(sizzling)
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Hey.
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You don't want to use
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the machine we have for laundry?
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Oh, this gets the clothes
much more crispy.
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Hmm. Crazy about all this
duel stuff, huh?
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Meh.
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Anyway, I have some great news.
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I know you fired me,
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but what is the most important
aspect of any business?
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- The door.
- What?
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Without it, people couldn't get inside.
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Right, yeah, no, act... okay, yeah.
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00:04:47,439 --> 00:04:50,173
So what is the second
most important aspect
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of any business? I'll tell you.
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Publicity. Are you familiar
with that concept?
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I think so.
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Once, the grocer overcharged for barley,
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and so the villagers burned him alive.
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Yes, that would be bad publicity.
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But I managed to get
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our ice cream parlor
some good publicity.
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00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:08,525
A story in the local newspaper,
the Bedford Examiner.
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00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,427
I thought the newspapers
were for serious discourse
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on contemporary issues.
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00:05:11,997 --> 00:05:14,431
No way. Newspapers are for people
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who don't have cell phones,
to read while they poop.
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(gunshots)
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Okay, who's ready to test some weapons
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and kill each other for love?
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And we can choose whatever we want?
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00:05:26,478 --> 00:05:27,444
- Sure.
- Yep.
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00:05:27,479 --> 00:05:28,545
Hell yeah.
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00:05:30,549 --> 00:05:31,681
What are you doing?
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If one of these guys
get hurt, that, like,
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affects history stuff, right?
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Duels are mostly just posturing.
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00:05:36,822 --> 00:05:38,488
And besides, we're their "seconds."
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00:05:38,523 --> 00:05:41,191
We can negotiate a deal
between them at any time.
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00:05:41,226 --> 00:05:43,159
Yeah. Adams asked me to be his second,
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but I had already promised Hancock.
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00:05:44,730 --> 00:05:47,864
What? Adams told me I was
his first second choice.
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00:05:47,899 --> 00:05:50,500
Maybe he meant you were
his first second choice.
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(groans) Anyway, the best professors
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are always experts in one narrow field.
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- Uh-huh.
- Like Dr. Cobell, his field of expertise
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00:05:58,176 --> 00:05:59,843
is Native American yarn.
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That is extremely narrow.
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If I witness this duel,
I'll have knowledge
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00:06:03,215 --> 00:06:04,714
about history that no one else has.
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00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:06,316
They'll have to give me my job back.
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HANCOCK: Guys!
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These. I want this.
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Take that, ye wastrel!
Torn to bits by flaming lead!
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That be your fate!
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I've got you point blank,
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you mangy cur!
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You'll die in the gutter
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like a flyblown hog.
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Do you still think
this was a good idea?
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Yes. This is living history.
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(yelling)
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00:06:37,249 --> 00:06:39,282
We're getting a chance to see
what the actual Founding Fathers
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think about our current gun laws.
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- (gunfire)
- Not getting a word.
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Gentlemen?
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Are these really the kinds of firearms
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you were thinking of
186
00:06:49,394 --> 00:06:50,860
when you drafted the Second Amendment?
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00:06:50,896 --> 00:06:53,563
This is exactly what we had in mind!
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00:06:53,598 --> 00:06:56,299
189
00:06:57,469 --> 00:06:59,302
Hey, Hancock, that's your head!
190
00:07:00,544 --> 00:07:02,185
Deb, I'm sorry I spilled
the chocolate sprinkles
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00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,406
into the rainbow sprinkles.
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00:07:03,447 --> 00:07:05,260
I-I'll just pick 'em out with my hands.
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00:07:05,285 --> 00:07:08,035
(door opens, bell jingles)
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Hi, uh,
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00:07:09,233 --> 00:07:10,766
I'm Mona from the Bedford Examiner.
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00:07:10,823 --> 00:07:13,557
Oh, yes, uh, please sit. I'm Dan, um,
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this is my girlfriend, Deb.
198
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,701
Can I just say,
199
00:07:16,726 --> 00:07:17,992
the article that you did
200
00:07:18,028 --> 00:07:19,527
about the mouse that destroyed
201
00:07:19,554 --> 00:07:21,353
the gazebo, that was just...
202
00:07:21,398 --> 00:07:22,707
riveting journalism.
203
00:07:22,732 --> 00:07:25,333
Thank you. That mouse was a real dick.
204
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I thought you might like to try
205
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our ice cream during the interview.
206
00:07:29,239 --> 00:07:30,738
I think you'll find it adequate.
207
00:07:33,476 --> 00:07:36,844
Mmm. Why so modest?
This is great ice cream.
208
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,913
Being prideful won't attract customers.
209
00:07:38,949 --> 00:07:40,014
But I'm free to say that
210
00:07:40,050 --> 00:07:41,916
that is the best damn
ice cream in New England,
211
00:07:41,952 --> 00:07:43,551
and you can quote me on that.
212
00:07:43,587 --> 00:07:44,819
Go ahead.
213
00:07:45,889 --> 00:07:46,854
Write it down.
214
00:07:46,890 --> 00:07:47,956
I'll remember it.
215
00:07:47,991 --> 00:07:50,959
So, you two bought this
place together, and then,
216
00:07:50,994 --> 00:07:52,393
on the first day, she fired you?
217
00:07:52,429 --> 00:07:54,762
- (laughs)
- Daniel, you mentioned that?
218
00:07:54,798 --> 00:07:57,131
Well, I was drunk
when I called her, so...
219
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:59,133
No, it's a great hook
to the story, believe me.
220
00:07:59,169 --> 00:08:01,803
So, how did you guys meet?
221
00:08:01,838 --> 00:08:04,238
How did we meet?
222
00:08:05,398 --> 00:08:07,174
- Uh...
- He introduced himself to me.
223
00:08:07,199 --> 00:08:08,665
I was traveling.
224
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:10,564
And, uh, it was a long time ago, but
225
00:08:11,014 --> 00:08:14,115
it felt like I've known her
for 242 years.
226
00:08:14,150 --> 00:08:15,917
(laughs) And yet,
227
00:08:15,952 --> 00:08:17,719
some people would say
228
00:08:17,754 --> 00:08:19,454
it feels just like yesterday.
229
00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:21,756
DAN: Time is weird. Isn't time weird?
Time is so weird.
230
00:08:21,791 --> 00:08:23,057
- 'Cause, like,
- (laughs)
231
00:08:23,093 --> 00:08:24,392
even things that happened
a long time ago,
232
00:08:24,427 --> 00:08:27,095
sometimes they feel like
they just happened.
233
00:08:27,130 --> 00:08:28,896
Do you guys feel like
you're answering my question?
234
00:08:28,932 --> 00:08:31,332
Because I feel like
you're being weird and vague.
235
00:08:31,368 --> 00:08:32,834
I see that.
236
00:08:32,869 --> 00:08:34,502
I get how you could feel that way.
237
00:08:34,537 --> 00:08:35,770
So how did you meet?
238
00:08:35,805 --> 00:08:38,473
We met in grade school.
239
00:08:38,508 --> 00:08:41,409
You just said that you met
while you were traveling.
240
00:08:41,444 --> 00:08:42,877
We met on a field trip.
241
00:08:42,977 --> 00:08:45,346
It was just the best field.
242
00:08:45,382 --> 00:08:46,848
Sweeping and fertile.
243
00:08:46,883 --> 00:08:47,915
Mm-hmm.
244
00:08:47,951 --> 00:08:49,584
So what school was it?
245
00:08:49,619 --> 00:08:52,453
(scoffs) What am I, a maniac?
246
00:08:52,489 --> 00:08:54,522
What kind of person remembers
247
00:08:54,557 --> 00:08:55,823
what grade school they went to?
248
00:08:55,859 --> 00:08:57,258
Every single person.
249
00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:00,268
I remember it,
it was Monroe Grade School.
250
00:09:00,296 --> 00:09:01,529
Okay.
251
00:09:01,564 --> 00:09:02,266
Uh,
252
00:09:02,352 --> 00:09:04,298
anything else you'd like to add?
253
00:09:04,334 --> 00:09:06,501
Quakers are most welcome here,
254
00:09:06,536 --> 00:09:08,202
no matter how quiet they are.
255
00:09:08,238 --> 00:09:09,303
Mm-hmm.
256
00:09:09,339 --> 00:09:10,938
Deborah,
257
00:09:10,974 --> 00:09:12,206
this might be a little forward,
258
00:09:12,242 --> 00:09:14,642
but, um, if you ever need "help,"
259
00:09:15,418 --> 00:09:16,778
here's my card.
260
00:09:16,813 --> 00:09:18,479
Oh,
261
00:09:18,515 --> 00:09:21,349
a little piece of paper
with your name and...
262
00:09:21,384 --> 00:09:23,851
some random numbers on it.
263
00:09:23,887 --> 00:09:25,453
I'll treasure it always.
264
00:09:25,488 --> 00:09:27,121
Okay.
265
00:09:27,157 --> 00:09:28,222
Bye!
266
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:32,493
Adams cracked last night,
told me he's totally scared.
267
00:09:32,529 --> 00:09:34,148
This negotiation should be easy.
268
00:09:34,345 --> 00:09:35,492
Tha's dope, tha's dope.
269
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,351
But they're both so prideful,
270
00:09:37,414 --> 00:09:39,534
so we have to really sell it.
271
00:09:39,569 --> 00:09:41,536
- Tha's dope.
- Dan?
272
00:09:41,571 --> 00:09:44,172
Why are you pretending
to read the newspaper?
273
00:09:44,207 --> 00:09:45,807
Oh, no reason.
274
00:09:45,842 --> 00:09:49,811
Just because Deb and I are
going to be in the newspaper.
275
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:51,345
Okay, I can't believe I'm asking this,
276
00:09:51,381 --> 00:09:53,247
but why are you gonna
be in the newspaper?
277
00:09:53,842 --> 00:09:56,417
Geez, Chris, so many questions.
278
00:09:56,453 --> 00:09:59,187
It's like I'm being interviewed
for the newspaper again.
279
00:09:59,222 --> 00:10:01,689
They're doing a little
puff piece on Deb and I
280
00:10:01,725 --> 00:10:02,857
and the ice cream parlor.
281
00:10:02,892 --> 00:10:05,159
Why would you let a journalist
look into your life?
282
00:10:05,195 --> 00:10:07,595
Relax. I need the publicity.
283
00:10:07,630 --> 00:10:08,930
I need this business to work
284
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:10,998
so that Deb stays with me
in the future.
285
00:10:11,034 --> 00:10:12,667
Plus, why does every article
need to be about Elon Musk?
286
00:10:12,702 --> 00:10:13,935
It's enough already.
287
00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:16,571
You're living with a woman from 1775.
288
00:10:16,606 --> 00:10:18,439
She has a name.
289
00:10:18,475 --> 00:10:20,041
And that name is Deb.
290
00:10:20,076 --> 00:10:21,876
We time-travel!
291
00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:23,211
It didn't come up!
292
00:10:23,246 --> 00:10:24,746
You idiot!
293
00:10:24,781 --> 00:10:26,681
We stole money from Al Capone.
294
00:10:26,716 --> 00:10:30,084
We used the Founding Fathers
to buy an ice cream parlor.
295
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,519
You got to be more careful.
296
00:10:31,554 --> 00:10:33,020
You know, you're no better than me.
297
00:10:33,056 --> 00:10:35,056
Dan, objectively, I'm better than you.
298
00:10:35,091 --> 00:10:36,390
You're keeping Hancock and Adams here
299
00:10:36,426 --> 00:10:37,959
for your sick, old-timey fight club.
300
00:10:37,994 --> 00:10:40,061
If this reporter finds out the truth,
301
00:10:40,096 --> 00:10:43,164
there is no telling
what could happen to us.
302
00:10:45,101 --> 00:10:46,768
303
00:10:46,803 --> 00:10:48,970
You need to fix this.
304
00:10:49,005 --> 00:10:51,139
Chris.
305
00:10:51,174 --> 00:10:53,808
I will not kill a reporter.
306
00:10:53,843 --> 00:10:55,076
What?
307
00:10:55,111 --> 00:10:57,245
No, just kill the story.
308
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,380
- (bell jingles)
- DEBORAH: Oh!
309
00:10:59,415 --> 00:11:00,882
It's Mona from the newspaper.
310
00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:02,116
Hello!
311
00:11:02,152 --> 00:11:04,051
Hi, uh, you said that you guys
312
00:11:04,087 --> 00:11:06,654
- had information for my story?
- DAN: Uh, yes, actually,
313
00:11:06,689 --> 00:11:08,990
we do have new information
about the story.
314
00:11:09,025 --> 00:11:10,424
We think you should not do it.
315
00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:12,426
Yes, it was grand meeting you,
and ten percent off
316
00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:14,128
your next cone purchase.
317
00:11:14,164 --> 00:11:15,763
Okay.
318
00:11:15,799 --> 00:11:18,332
Wow.
319
00:11:18,368 --> 00:11:20,101
You know, uh,
320
00:11:20,136 --> 00:11:21,536
I just have one more question.
321
00:11:22,939 --> 00:11:26,073
Do you happen to know these men?
322
00:11:26,109 --> 00:11:28,276
No, I...
323
00:11:28,311 --> 00:11:30,011
I've never seen these women in my life.
324
00:11:30,046 --> 00:11:31,679
DEBORAH: Uh, no, doesn't ring a bell.
325
00:11:31,714 --> 00:11:32,947
Really?
326
00:11:32,982 --> 00:11:34,182
Because, uh...
327
00:11:34,217 --> 00:11:35,683
they bought this building.
328
00:11:35,718 --> 00:11:37,118
Cash.
329
00:11:37,153 --> 00:11:38,352
And they signed their names
330
00:11:38,388 --> 00:11:40,021
"John Hancock" and "Sam Adams."
331
00:11:40,056 --> 00:11:44,592
(both laughing)
332
00:11:44,627 --> 00:11:46,661
DEBORAH: That's so odd
333
00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:49,864
because Sam Adams
and John Hancock are...
334
00:11:49,899 --> 00:11:52,166
they're famous men from Colonial times,
335
00:11:52,202 --> 00:11:54,035
and this is 2017,
336
00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:56,671
so that... those must be fake names.
337
00:11:56,706 --> 00:11:58,840
Obviously. But why wouldn't they want
338
00:11:58,875 --> 00:12:00,274
anyone to know their real names?
339
00:12:00,310 --> 00:12:01,609
Okay.
340
00:12:01,644 --> 00:12:04,145
Here's the deal.
341
00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:07,515
Those two fat women
are federal agents, and we
342
00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,384
- are in the Witness Protection Program.
- What?
343
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:12,687
- And they put us here...
- To sell ice cream.
344
00:12:12,722 --> 00:12:15,690
To sell ice cream because we
saw the mob do a lot of murders.
345
00:12:15,725 --> 00:12:16,991
Al Capone.
346
00:12:17,026 --> 00:12:19,660
Yes, Hal Capo... Hal Capone. Um...
347
00:12:19,696 --> 00:12:21,896
- And that's why they set us up here.
- Okay.
348
00:12:21,931 --> 00:12:25,533
So you're federally
protected witnesses who...
349
00:12:25,568 --> 00:12:27,235
asked to be in the newspaper?
350
00:12:27,270 --> 00:12:28,836
It's our first week in the program.
351
00:12:28,872 --> 00:12:30,705
Yeah, and we-we're so bad at it.
352
00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:32,740
We keep on telling people who we are.
353
00:12:32,775 --> 00:12:35,209
DAN: But obviously, if you
were to print the story,
354
00:12:35,245 --> 00:12:37,578
our murder would be on your hands.
355
00:12:37,614 --> 00:12:41,415
Um, so maybe just find another
thing to write about,
356
00:12:41,451 --> 00:12:43,918
- like a gazebo or something.
- Yeah.
357
00:12:43,953 --> 00:12:46,234
Thank you for wasting a lot of my time.
358
00:12:46,319 --> 00:12:47,835
- You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
359
00:12:47,859 --> 00:12:48,924
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, thank you for understanding.
360
00:12:48,925 --> 00:12:50,358
- She's so nice.
- (door opens, bell jingles)
361
00:12:51,694 --> 00:12:54,695
My life is completely
in your hands, Chris.
362
00:12:54,731 --> 00:12:56,731
Ugh. I'm totally freaking.
363
00:12:56,766 --> 00:12:58,199
No need to worry, bud,
364
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:00,001
I'll make sure nothing happens to you.
365
00:13:00,036 --> 00:13:03,070
I just love Melanie so much.
366
00:13:03,106 --> 00:13:05,039
You do have a wife in 1775.
367
00:13:05,074 --> 00:13:07,708
- Hey, be cool, man.
- Oh, there they are.
368
00:13:07,744 --> 00:13:09,777
I'm gonna pull up right next
to them like in a cop show.
369
00:13:09,812 --> 00:13:12,847
Driver side to driver side,
like McNulty in The Wire.
370
00:13:12,882 --> 00:13:15,349
- Good show.
- Oh, here they are.
371
00:13:15,385 --> 00:13:16,951
Dan, your ice cream's running
down your arm!
372
00:13:16,986 --> 00:13:18,452
You're wasting it!
373
00:13:18,488 --> 00:13:20,955
- (grunting)
- (giggles) Your tongue is so rough.
374
00:13:20,990 --> 00:13:22,123
(screaming, tires screeching)
375
00:13:22,158 --> 00:13:26,260
(metal scraping, Chris screaming)
376
00:13:26,296 --> 00:13:27,795
(whispering):
Quick, switch seats with me.
377
00:13:28,448 --> 00:13:31,576
- Aah!
- DAN: Chris, this is just a tiny scratch
378
00:13:31,607 --> 00:13:34,239
that'll buff right out. Wow.
379
00:13:34,274 --> 00:13:37,142
- I really clocked you.
- This car is the one thing I have
380
00:13:37,177 --> 00:13:39,077
- that you guys didn't ruin.
- DAN: You need to relax.
381
00:13:39,113 --> 00:13:40,395
- What?
- I'll just go to the past
382
00:13:40,427 --> 00:13:41,680
and get you a new car.
383
00:13:41,715 --> 00:13:44,249
A car won't fit in the bag, you moron.
384
00:13:44,284 --> 00:13:45,984
ADAMS: Chris, the car is
385
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:47,285
between you and Dan.
386
00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:49,254
Uh, perhaps we could get back to
387
00:13:49,289 --> 00:13:50,822
renegotiating the duel,
388
00:13:50,858 --> 00:13:52,657
which is why we're here
in the first place.
389
00:13:52,693 --> 00:13:54,092
Oh, right, right.
390
00:13:54,128 --> 00:13:55,594
You guys just destroyed my apartment
391
00:13:55,629 --> 00:13:58,130
and made me drink pee. God, this again?
392
00:13:58,165 --> 00:14:00,532
ADAMS: I clearly remember saying,
393
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:03,802
"Chris, that's pee,"
before you drank it.
394
00:14:03,837 --> 00:14:05,871
HANCOCK: But you didn't hear him
because you were already greedily
395
00:14:05,906 --> 00:14:08,507
chugging away,
pee-soaked grin on your face.
396
00:14:08,542 --> 00:14:09,841
DAN: Did something happen to you
397
00:14:09,877 --> 00:14:11,476
that you keep bringing up that time
398
00:14:11,512 --> 00:14:12,711
you drank pee?
399
00:14:12,746 --> 00:14:15,347
You know what? I hate you all!
400
00:14:15,382 --> 00:14:16,982
The duel is on!
401
00:14:17,017 --> 00:14:18,216
Chris, don't be nasty.
402
00:14:18,252 --> 00:14:19,885
Chris, come on!
403
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,987
Don't be nasty, Chris.
404
00:14:22,022 --> 00:14:23,688
(car speeds away)
405
00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:25,290
Oh, good.
406
00:14:25,325 --> 00:14:29,995
This hasn't gone farther
than I anticipated.
407
00:14:30,030 --> 00:14:32,864
(quietly sobbing)
408
00:14:35,494 --> 00:14:38,331
DAN: Chris, Chris,
we got to do something.
409
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,180
If they shoot each
other, they could, like,
410
00:14:40,205 --> 00:14:42,100
screw up the Civil War
or something.
411
00:14:42,542 --> 00:14:46,211
Wha-What, come on, man,
you didn't even...
412
00:14:47,728 --> 00:14:49,196
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
413
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,290
I got rid of the reporter.
414
00:14:50,315 --> 00:14:52,392
Let's just, let's just
start fresh, clean slate.
415
00:14:52,408 --> 00:14:54,441
Hi, I'm Samuel Adams.
416
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:55,709
Who are you guys? Where am I?
417
00:14:55,745 --> 00:14:57,713
What'd you do with my horse?
418
00:14:57,908 --> 00:14:59,645
No, you need to learn a lesson.
419
00:15:00,051 --> 00:15:01,715
So, they're fighting over me?
420
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:05,418
I'm so sorry to involve
you in such a barbaric,
421
00:15:05,642 --> 00:15:07,309
sexist ritual.
422
00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:09,423
- They're old-fashioned.
- It's fine.
423
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:10,791
It's a step up for me.
424
00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:13,927
Recently, I even started
dating bald guys.
425
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:15,735
Oh, no.
426
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:18,418
Any last words, gentlemen?
427
00:15:18,528 --> 00:15:20,035
(sniffs, then clears throat)
428
00:15:20,239 --> 00:15:21,838
I did it all for the nookie.
429
00:15:21,873 --> 00:15:23,519
Amen.
430
00:15:24,386 --> 00:15:25,785
(clears throat)
431
00:15:29,941 --> 00:15:32,842
Back-to-back.
432
00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:35,309
One-ly, two,
433
00:15:35,344 --> 00:15:38,145
threebie, thorn,
434
00:15:38,173 --> 00:15:40,072
flive, six.
435
00:15:40,116 --> 00:15:41,916
(grunts)
436
00:15:41,951 --> 00:15:43,417
(screaming)
437
00:15:43,452 --> 00:15:44,818
Daniel!
438
00:15:44,854 --> 00:15:46,820
Daniel! Oh!
439
00:15:46,856 --> 00:15:50,024
I've been shot.
440
00:15:50,059 --> 00:15:52,092
They're paintballs.
441
00:15:52,128 --> 00:15:54,461
I wasn't gonna let 'em use real guns.
442
00:15:55,597 --> 00:15:57,564
Just wanted to teach you all a lesson.
443
00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,579
And what would that lesson be?
444
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:02,436
That your actions have consequences!
445
00:16:02,471 --> 00:16:04,104
(both laugh)
446
00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:05,372
Here's a cool twist.
447
00:16:05,408 --> 00:16:07,308
We secretly forgave each other.
448
00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:10,177
We only went through with all
of this to teach you a lesson.
449
00:16:10,213 --> 00:16:12,179
Love conquers all.
450
00:16:12,215 --> 00:16:14,682
- That's your lesson?
- It's subtle but it's in there.
451
00:16:14,717 --> 00:16:16,450
HANCOCK: Your fight was
even dumber than ours.
452
00:16:16,485 --> 00:16:18,986
You guys are quibbling
over material stuff, you know?
453
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,621
It's all so meaningless.
454
00:16:20,656 --> 00:16:22,890
You thought they were real guns
and you still shot us.
455
00:16:22,925 --> 00:16:25,159
Right. Sorry.
456
00:16:25,194 --> 00:16:27,394
Colonial weapons were so inaccurate,
457
00:16:27,430 --> 00:16:29,877
you only aimed at someone if
you were trying to miss them.
458
00:16:29,902 --> 00:16:31,335
ADAMS: Right.
459
00:16:31,561 --> 00:16:32,894
Gun that shoots paint.
460
00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:34,635
- (scoffs) Whew.
- (laughs)
461
00:16:34,670 --> 00:16:37,004
ADAMS: Never in a
million years would I..
462
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,385
- Ooohohoh!
- By Jiminy,
463
00:16:39,410 --> 00:16:41,047
I think I'll put this down.
464
00:16:41,194 --> 00:16:42,504
I can't see.
465
00:16:42,909 --> 00:16:44,175
I can't see.
466
00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:45,610
Eh, you're not missing much.
467
00:16:45,645 --> 00:16:49,347
Just a beautiful field
on a gorgeous day.
468
00:16:49,382 --> 00:16:51,049
- (camera shutter clicks)
- Look at it,
469
00:16:51,084 --> 00:16:53,698
see the face of God in that cloud.
Where?
470
00:16:56,437 --> 00:16:57,636
I'll visit you.
471
00:16:57,671 --> 00:16:59,571
Don't.
472
00:16:59,606 --> 00:17:01,773
(ambulance door closes)
473
00:17:02,568 --> 00:17:04,067
(siren chirps)
474
00:17:05,813 --> 00:17:07,913
- Hello.
- Hey.
475
00:17:07,948 --> 00:17:11,817
You sort of look like if
Axl Rose got dipped in bleach.
476
00:17:11,852 --> 00:17:13,819
You want to grab a drink or something?
477
00:17:13,854 --> 00:17:16,688
It would be my great
pleasure to accept.
478
00:17:16,723 --> 00:17:18,757
My good fellow,
479
00:17:18,792 --> 00:17:22,127
I congratulate you heartily.
480
00:17:22,162 --> 00:17:24,129
For not only have we imparted wisdom
481
00:17:24,164 --> 00:17:25,797
of these pompkin whelps,
482
00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:28,366
but you have found
483
00:17:28,402 --> 00:17:32,037
true love in the process.
484
00:17:32,072 --> 00:17:34,106
- (laughs)
- Yeah, all right, let's go.
485
00:17:34,141 --> 00:17:35,207
Don't touch me.
486
00:17:38,912 --> 00:17:41,847
Still not bathing... (sniffs) I gather?
487
00:17:41,882 --> 00:17:43,882
(knocking on door)
488
00:17:45,421 --> 00:17:46,720
DAN: How was the date?
489
00:17:47,111 --> 00:17:49,478
Woe betide the Colonial man
who ventures blindly
490
00:17:49,959 --> 00:17:51,692
into modern sexuality.
491
00:17:51,955 --> 00:17:54,155
I'm not into weirdos or
criers, and this guy's both.
492
00:17:54,191 --> 00:17:56,658
- (crying): I'm not...
- D-Don't speak.
493
00:17:56,693 --> 00:17:58,326
Here's his frilly shirt;
he couldn't put it back on
494
00:17:58,362 --> 00:18:00,328
'cause his hands were shaking.
495
00:18:01,231 --> 00:18:03,865
DEBORAH: Well, thank you!
496
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,534
Oh, Sam. Gather yourself.
497
00:18:06,570 --> 00:18:09,638
Hold your head up high, brother.
498
00:18:10,279 --> 00:18:12,802
Do you remember the hex of the sea hag
499
00:18:12,876 --> 00:18:15,010
that left you mute for 40 days?
500
00:18:15,045 --> 00:18:17,646
This but pales in comparison.
501
00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:20,515
ADAMS: (laughs) We have seen
502
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:23,218
countless horrors
together, my old friend.
503
00:18:23,253 --> 00:18:24,853
There he is.
504
00:18:24,888 --> 00:18:26,988
There's my old chum, Sam,
505
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,723
back in good spirits.
506
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:30,225
- (laughs)
- All right, guys,
507
00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:32,160
back in the bag.
508
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,963
Let's do this. You guys
got some work to do in the past.
509
00:18:35,591 --> 00:18:36,965
Daniel,
510
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:41,703
facing death in the future
made me feel more alive
511
00:18:41,738 --> 00:18:43,672
than I ever did in the past.
512
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:46,408
ADAMS: And I just joined
a Planet Fitness.
513
00:18:46,443 --> 00:18:48,513
To leave now would be insane.
514
00:18:48,578 --> 00:18:50,779
And so...
515
00:18:53,593 --> 00:18:55,123
We run away!
516
00:18:55,252 --> 00:18:56,384
- No!
- Stop them!
517
00:18:57,621 --> 00:18:59,521
To the future!
518
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,389
Deb, wait!
519
00:19:01,425 --> 00:19:04,359
(sighs) I was only going to get
the big one with a calf shot.
520
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:06,161
He would have fallen on the little one.
521
00:19:06,196 --> 00:19:07,562
I love you so much.
522
00:19:07,597 --> 00:19:09,798
(knocking on door)
523
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:14,943
Oh. I'm sorry, miss, no visitors.
524
00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:16,845
No. It's okay. I'm family.
525
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,413
- No, she's not.
- Chris!
526
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:19,447
Psst!
527
00:19:19,483 --> 00:19:21,583
Christopher, are you awake?
528
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:23,518
Are you sleeping?
529
00:19:23,553 --> 00:19:24,920
Is Dan with you?
530
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,288
Oh, no, he... he was afraid
531
00:19:26,323 --> 00:19:27,289
that you'd throw something at him,
532
00:19:27,324 --> 00:19:29,124
so he sent me instead.
533
00:19:29,159 --> 00:19:30,592
Another coward move.
534
00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:32,360
No, he is only scared
535
00:19:32,396 --> 00:19:35,497
because he values
your friendship so highly.
536
00:19:35,532 --> 00:19:36,998
He ruined my life.
537
00:19:37,034 --> 00:19:38,667
We're not friends.
538
00:19:38,702 --> 00:19:39,968
We never were.
539
00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:41,436
No, you don't mean that.
540
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:43,772
I do. We were all thrown together
541
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:45,607
by circumstance.
542
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:47,676
You guys know nothing about me.
543
00:19:47,711 --> 00:19:49,544
When's my birthday?
544
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:52,480
September 11.
545
00:19:52,516 --> 00:19:54,482
What? No.
546
00:19:54,518 --> 00:19:55,684
Today.
547
00:19:55,719 --> 00:19:57,385
Today is my birthday.
548
00:19:57,421 --> 00:19:59,120
Happy birthday.
549
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,622
I think it's best that we all
550
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:01,990
just go our separate ways.
551
00:20:02,025 --> 00:20:03,291
No more time travel.
552
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,627
No more stupid questions about history.
553
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:08,163
Let's just never see
each other ever again.
554
00:20:08,198 --> 00:20:10,031
Well, I hope,
for the sake of your vision,
555
00:20:10,067 --> 00:20:12,000
that we do see each other again.
556
00:20:12,035 --> 00:20:13,969
Good-bye, Deborah.
557
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:16,404
Good-bye.
558
00:20:21,912 --> 00:20:26,314
Kum-bah-yah, my Lord
559
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:30,151
Kum-bah-yah
560
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,419
Kum-bah-yah, my Lord...
561
00:20:31,455 --> 00:20:33,655
Our top story, a nine-year-old girl
562
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:36,725
enters her 80th hour
stuck in a bumper car.
563
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,160
(snoring)
564
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:43,231
Kum-bah-yah, my Lord
565
00:20:43,266 --> 00:20:46,735
Kum-bah-yah...
566
00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:49,938
(crying)
567
00:20:49,973 --> 00:20:52,707
Birthday!
568
00:21:11,595 --> 00:21:17,065
Oh, Lord, kum-bah-yah.
569
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:22,100
Synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
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570
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:26,700
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