Original subtitles

(man shouting in German)

(alarm wailing, dogs barking)

(men shouting in German)

It's over here. It's over here.

I stashed it over here.

(shouting in German)

I think it's over here.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm faster than you.

What are you talking about? Man, I smoked you.

I'm wearing loafers.

Why would you wear loafers to kill Hitler?

It's called a "fall look."

- (shouting) - DAN: Yeah, I did that, too, with my hat.

- Dan, get in the bag! - Yep, yep, yep, yep.

_

(barking)

(explosion, electrical whining)

(shouting)

(alarm continues wailing in distance)

_

_

I wanted to kill Hitler when he was young,

before he was surrounded by all those Nazis, but...

Chris had a real problem with stabbing a baby.

(groans) I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Ooh!

Do you think that smashed raccoon belongs to anyone?

Yes. I think someone probably claimed it.

Anyway, my trip

wasn't a total waste.

I stole Hitler's spoon!

(laughs) Did that stop World War II?

No, no. But I mean, think about it.

He comes downstairs in the morning,

he wants a bowl of cereal... it's a total disaster.

There's no way he realizes

he has no spoon before he pours the milk.

What a mild annoyance.

It's got to be so mild. (chuckles)

CHRIS: Hear ye, hear ye.

This time travel meeting is now called to order.

Any ideas for our next mission? Actually,

I've come up with a way to stop 9/11.

Really? I was reading an article

that said that Mark Wahlberg believes

that had he been on one of those planes,

it never would have happened.

- Okay. - So it got me thinking.

Why don't we go back...

and put Mark Wahlberg on one of those planes?

That is a bad plan.

Look, guys, after what happened to Davey...

Oh, was Davey the young British man

you exploded in Colonial times?

Yes, it was. And now I feel like

I owe the universe something huge in return.

We aren't very good at time traveling.

We almost ruined the American Revolution,

and the Hitler thing

didn't work.

Or so I... gather.

I wasn't invited. You were invited.

It's just you're not a real person,

so it's hard to get, like, information for a passport.

Yeah. And no explanation needed.

I... I'm not mad about it at all.

You seem a little mad.

Regardless, it's too much pressure

to try and take on all the world's problems at once.

She's got a point, Chris.

Guys, come on. We have a great power.

And with great power comes...

Great responsibility.

Oh, Spider-Man.

So good. He's got a point, Deb.

We have to take it slow,

or we could do more harm than good.

(whispers): She's got a point.

The world is depending on us.

We don't have time to take it slow.

He's got a point, Deb.

We have a whole bag of time. Daniel?

Thoughts?

Can I use your bathroom?

What's he doing?

(explosion, electrical whining)

DAN: John Hancock and Sam Adams.

ADAMS: Daniel! Hey, the tavern owner said

I'd find you guys out here.

Come. Help us feast on these completely charred

and nearly inedible flying beasts.

ADAMS: The trick to catching more than one duck at once

is to kill them while they're fornicating.

We followed their quacks

of ecstasy into the woods,

crept up, smashed them with rocks!

How can you tell a quack of ecstasy?

A quack of ecstasy is two quacks.

Two quacks heightening...

to a final clim-quacks. (Dan chuckles)

But there's three ducks. As far

as we could tell, these two ducks here

were in a relationship,

and this third duck was hanging around

watching, trying to get in on the mix.

He was sort of molting and fluffing himself,

and then he laid an egg.

Cool.

Well, I-I need your advice on something.

See, Deb, Chris and I are starting a business.

- Oh. - We're selling,

(sighs): um... horse manure.

An evergreen product that people will always need.

Right.

So, um, Chris wants to sell

large bags of manure.

And Deborah would rather

us sell small bags of manure.

Little bags of poop.

- Convenient. - Right.

But the manure itself is mine...

HANCOCK: Your poop.

so the decision comes down to me.

Up to you? (laughs) Yeah.

What is so funny about that?

No, no, it's just, you don't have the mental fortitude

to make such decisions. I thought you knew that.

Okay. (grunts)

Uh, come here.

Come on, look at me. Get-get close here.

Look me, look me in the eye here. Close. Get right in there.

Daniel!

- Mm-hmm. - I am now

looking...

directly... into your soul.

Hmm?

You have the body of a man...

but inside, you are but a wee babe.

Can I look away now, please?

No!

- Something happened! - Okay.

Something traumatic

stunted your growth at a very young age.

- Traumatic? - And you never

got over it. Am I right?

Tell him if he's right.

Big Sammy is here to help,

but you have to take it! (blow landing)

- Ow! - Take the help!

- Ow! - Take the help!

Okay! I... the...

now that you're... yelling at me,

there was something that happened to me in my childhood

- that I guess I never got over. - (exhales)

Something traumatic? Yes, something traumatic.

Daniel, if you do not

overcome this obstacle, I can promise you...

you will never accomplish

anything of note,

ever! So you're saying I need

to fix my past...

before my business can have a future.

What?

- What? Was that... - Yeah.

- Yeah. Right? - Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

(explosion, electrical whining)

Well, I've made a decision.

And that is that I can't make a decision until I get back

to the past and fix what's wrong in my personal life.

What does that mean? That means

get your Charlotte Hornets starter jacket

out of storage... we're going to the '90s.

You've got to live and learn

You've got to live and learn

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Before your bridges burn

Brothers and sisters

Oh, my!

You've got to live and learn

Go! Go! Go!

What happened to everyone's denim?

DAN: Oh, it's just acid-washed.

They won't be wearing it much longer.

CHRIS: You brought us

to an ice cream place?

Not just any ice cream place.

This is Chadwick's,

the place my father called me a failure for the first time.

Oh, Daniel, I'm sorry. But I'm gonna prove

my dead dad wrong by finishing the 40-scoop Belly Buster

that I could never finish when I had the stomach of a boy.

No, no, no, no. We did not travel back in time so you could eat ice cream.

Chris, the Belly Buster is my white whale,

which is an expression I use

all the time without really knowing what it means.

You're saying it right. I... I always wanted to prove

that I could finish the Belly Buster,

but then Chadwick's went out of business and...

I never got the chance.

This is a complete waste.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. I thought you'd say that.

Which is why I brought... this.

Now, you feel you owe the universe something

after you exploded your friend, Davey, right?

- Okay, we all exploded him. - Eh...

you fired the shot.

You lit the wick! I think we can all agree

that it was you that murdered him senselessly.

(grunts)

Right? Well, Judi Forelli

gets hit by a car and killed in an hour.

Go save her life... then you and the universe are even.

Thank you.

I'm on it.

(sigh)

This is so exciting.

- I've never tried ice cream before. - What?!

Well, my father had some once,

and I had hoped for a taste,

but he fed the remainder to the pigs instead.

The pigs looked at me differently

after that, as if they knew something I didn't.

Pigs are very smart.

That's why a lot of celebrities have them as pets.

DAN: The Belly Buster has three stages.

Stage one: The Gorge.

I stuff ice cream into my fat face.

Stage two: The Settle.

This is where I have 35 scoops of ice cream that need to drop

to my butt so I can fit more of it into my tummy.

Stage three:

The Finish.

This is where I'm walking a tightrope

between glory and diarrhea.

Let's hope for glory, Dan. We can hope.

But you should know I am lactose intolerant.

(whistle and noisemaker blowing)

(people ooh'ing and ah'ing) DAN: 1990's fun!

(festive music playing)

(exhales)

All right, Belly Buster,

you're about to get busted.

Oh, Daniel, you brought your lucky Hitler spoon!

(music stops)

Midler spoon.

Like Bette Midler.

Bette Midler is a family friend of mine,

and I stole her spoon.

No, no. Adolf Hitler.

It's me against you, Dad. Let The Gorge begin.

Eat the Belly Buster

Eat the, eat the Belly Buster

Pick up the spoon, put it in your mouth

Let it go all the way down

(cackles) Belly Buster.

CHRIS: Come on, Judi Forelli, where are you?

Oh, she's a teacher.

The universe is gonna love me.

(takes deep breath) Okay...

In all this excitement, I still haven't had a chance

to try ice cream.

I was afraid to have my arms close to your mouth.

If you want, you can go up to the counter

and get some free samples.

They'll let me taste iced creams for free?

Like that man whose hat

offered mustache rides?

Yes. And again,

please stop bringing that up.

Now, go enjoy your samples.

I'm gonna work on The Settle.

(laughs quietly)

(quiet chuckle): Okay.

(exhales, stomach burbles)

(stomach grumbling)

(beeping)

(horn honking)

- Careful, now. - (cries out)

(horn honks)

(panting): Oh, my God. That truck would have killed me.

I know... Judi.

How do you... how do you know my...

(woman singing angelically)

Are you my guardian angel?

- Yes. - (gasps)

Yes, I am.

All black people are guardian angels.

(whispers): Remember that.

(whispers): Even O.J.?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Josiah's britches!

And what did you say this kind was?

Chocolate.

How did they get the chocolate into the ice cream?

Are you stoned?

No. No, I have never been stoned,

nor have I stoned another person, innocent or criminal.

Right. You're not from around here, are you?

A few towns over.

But I'm so glad I made the trip.

You must smile every day you come to work.

You know, I used to.

Opening this place was my dream.

But once that dream became a reality,

I realized it was mostly scraping gum off stuff.

But isn't it all worth it when you see the joy

in a child's face? Honestly, I'd like

to sell this place and become a mailman.

Now, that's a shame.

I wish you could see what I taste in this place.

Hang on. You like chocolate?

Try this.

This is Rocky Road.

Mmm!

I have traveled many a rocky road,

but none have been this delicious.

That was humor.

- Yeah, I figured. - (chuckles) I'd never taste

an actual road. (chuckles)

Unless there was a famine.

CHRIS: NBA Jam? Two miracles in one day.

Boomshakalaka.

Got next.

No, you don't. I have two rolls of quarters.

- I have the next 20 games. - Yo, that's not fair.

"That's not fair."

- Nice overalls, Urkel. - Urkel?

Urkel?!

"Urkel? Urkel?"

"Did I do that?"

(soft gurgling)

Have you proven yourself to the ghost of your father yet?

No.

And The Settle is not going great.

(groans) There is some real '90s garbage in this place.

I just saved a woman's life.

Show some respect.

Oh, my God. I know that kid.

That's Kevin Crowley.

DEBORAH: You know

that young adult?

He used to bully me in junior high.

It got so bad that I had to pretend I have a learning disability

to make sure we ended up at different high schools.

That's really tough, man. I'm sorry.

And the weirdest thing was that we were actually friends.

And then one day, out of the blue, he showed up

and started waling on me.

You didn't do anything to deserve it?

No. I-I did nothing.

And when we were friends, I was actually kind of cool.

I was basically the Matt Damon of my junior high class.

And after the bullying, I was

pretty much just the Marv Damon.

My local congressman who got arrested for masturbating

in a library.

To a book?

And the weirdest thing about the whole situation

was that, while he was beating me up,

there was a bunch of adults just standing there,

watching, doing nothing.

(chuckling)

Well, I'm not gonna do nothin'.

What are you gonna do?

- Something. - Yeah, but what?

(video game sound effects)

Yeah?

Never thought I'd see you again.

Who are you?

Someone you bullied 20 years ago.

- I'm only 12. - I came here looking

for some dad-sized demons to conquer.

And all of a sudden, I ran into a little turd demon.

(scoffs) You sure you have the right person?

Yeah. You may have bullied me,

- but you're not gonna bully my friend Chris. - Yo.

(chuckles) "You bullied me."

Okay, Urkel.

Urkel?

"Urkel? Urkel?"

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh...!

(stomach burbling)

(farts)

It settled.

You made the ice cream settle.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. (exhales)

And now it's my time to settle something.

The score.

This is for Dan Chambers.

(grunts)

(door opens, bell tinkles) You guys all saw

that kid hit me first, right?!

That's why I had to kick him in the penis.

(coin clinks)

DAN: All right, dead Dad, let's see who the failure is now.

(gags)

(laughs)

(squeals happily)

I did it!

That's not done.

- What? - That is not done.

Cookie bowl is part of it.

MRS. CHADWICK: Cookie bowl is part of it.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

My dad was right.

I'm a loser and a failure

and a fat pig.

And I'm even a failure at being a fat pig,

because I didn't eat all the ice cream.

DEBORAH: No, no.

You are not going to fail on my watch,

you fat pig.

I love you. Thank you for that. You busted

that bully, and now it's time to bust that belly, buster.

Thank you, guys, for believing in me.

Here I go.

(shouts)

Ooh, yeah, that's the flavor

That's the sort of thing I like to favor.

I did it.

Yeah!

(laughs)

Yay!

Screw you, Dad!

(crying)

DEBORAH: Oh.

(sniffles) I did it.

- Oh. (gags) - Oh. Oh.

All right, Mrs. Chadwick,

T-shirt me. What are you doing?

What do you mean? I finished the Belly Buster. Don't I get a T-shirt?

I might have one back here. Could you check

on it quick? I'm kind of cold.

I'm also, like, filled with a bunch of cold.

I have one left.

Oh, great. And the only person

here who deserves it is her.

I... What did I do to deserve such an honor?

Your infantile love of ice cream

made me realize that this is not just a place of business.

This is a place of joy.

My first name is Joy.

I love that name.

That's wonderful. So you're not thinking

of closing Chadwick's anymore?

No. I'm actually thinking of hiring

one more employee.

Do you have any desire to work here?

Yes! Yes, I would love to. Uh...

I would love to. No, no, no.

She actually can't.

We're from out of town,

and all of our cars are broken.

DEBORAH: Yes. I-I...

I can't. I forgot. I can't.

Just to circle back again,

I still feel like I should get something

for finishing the Belly Buster. You kicked

a kid, and you have a weird Nazi spoon.

I should call the cops on you.

Let's get out of here, Deb. This place is dead anyway.

DEBORAH: He didn't mean it.

And that was the most satisfying tummy ache of my life.

Thank you so much.

Is this time machine amazing or what?

I mean, my dad invents it.

Then I use it to go back and talk to Hancock and Adams,

our nation's two best presidents.

They make me realize I have issues with my dad

that I need to fix in the past.

While I'm there, I meet my bully.

I get to get revenge on him.

It's like the universe wanted everything

to work out perfectly.

BOY: Help! Someone!

Mommy! Wait a minute.

I recognize that voice.

Stop it! Stop it!

It's me.

I thought we were friends, Dan.

We are friends! Then why'd you send

some old dude to come attack me for no reason?

Did I always cause my own beating by traveling back

in time and punching that kid for Dan Chambers?

- Probably not. - You brought this

on yourself, Daniel Chambers.

Maybe.

(grunts)

I have to do something.

- (gasps) - Whoa!

Stop it.

Stop it.

Ow.

Maybe you can't interact with yourself in the past.

Maybe the universe implodes or something.

Don't do it again. I'd hate to implode.

What am I supposed to do, just stand here and do nothing,

like those adults that watched me get beat... Oh, no.

Help! Help!

- Help. - (woman singing angelically)

Help.

I'm sorry. I can't.

Please, I don't deserve this.

I know.

(singing stops)

Want some more?

We should go.

(grunting)

You take a good beating.

Thanks.

(distant siren wailing)

(explosion)

(grunts)

- (grunts) - Good to be back

- in the present. - Daniel,

if you caused your younger you's beating,

do you think that your future you

caused everything that happened in your past?

I don't know. It's giving me a headache.

And not a little baby one.

- A full-blown, adult-sized bangeroo. - Guys,

look.

DAN: Chadwick's.

It's still open!

- (bell tinkles) - DEBORAH: And that's Mrs. Chadwick.

Oh, maybe I can go work for her!

CHRIS: This is amazing.

I saved a woman's life, and,

you, you saved a woman's business.

And, you...

you did an ice cream thing. But, still,

we're the ones causing all of this.

We're like gods.

We're like

gods!

(whoops)

Is that really you?

Oh.

I got a completely different outlook on life

after you came in. I started thinking

you were my guardian ang...

- (tires screech) - DAN: Oh!

Oh, my!

- (alarm beeping) - Is she okay?

I-I didn't see her. You know,

she just ran out into the middle of the street!

Please,

- call 911! - CHRIS: Judi Forelli?

(gasps)

(woman singing angelically)

You.

How could you let this happen?

(singing stops)

Wh...

You've got to live and learn

You've got to live and learn

Go! Go! Go!

MAN: Yeah!

(horn honking)

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