Original subtitles

* Tell me why I love you like I do

* Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

* Let's take each other's hand

* As we jump into the final frontier

* I'm mad about you, baby

* Yeah!

(PHONE RINGING)

PAUL: Honey, could you get that?

Did you put the machine on?

Honey, could you get that?

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Oh, boy.

Hello!

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PHONE)

What?

I'm not sure what you're saying,

but I'm going to answer Chicken a la King!

All right, I'm obviously wrong.

Hold on. Hold on.

(PHONE DISCONNECTING) Hi.

Thank you very much for waiting.

Aw, Murray, no, I told you, we're making a film here.

Save it for when the cameras are rolling.

(WHINES)

(GROANS)

Play me like a fiddle.

(MURRAY BARKING) Go get it.

All right. All right.

You got all the rules, right?

It's just our lives.

That's all they want to see.

Fifteen minutes of our lives straight through.

No interruptions, no cuts, no nothing.

Just you--you and me and... I'm talking to nothin' here.

Here. Take these.

What did you do? Take these.

Look, did you steal from their fire escape again?

I borrowed them.

You pulled them out of the pot?

I did not.

I'm lookin' at roots.

I just want the apartment to look nice.

Okay. But you understand it's a documentary, right?

So?

So, I mean, they want it to look honest and real.

You knew nothing about this?

I knew nothing. They just called me this morning!

I told you as soon as they told me.

And that's all that they said? That's all they told me.

It's a PBS special.

They're having six different documentary filmmakers

turn the cameras on themselves.

Why couldn't they give us some warning?

Who knows? They want it to be a slice of life.

Why can't it be a slice of life with some warning?

They want it to be spontaneous.

Why can't it be a spontaneous slice...

Because they're PBS! Who knows?

They're-- They're smarter than us.

Well, I'm not giving them any money this year.

We never give them money. Well, I'm not gonna feel guilty this year.

(LAUGHS)

Fine. We ready? I'm too fat.

You're so not fat.

You see, if you'd given me a little notice,

I would have gone to the gym and got my bangs trimmed.

What did I just explain?

It's very easy for you to say.

You got a haircut on Tuesday. You look great.

Oh, God! Relax. You look so good.

Don't worry.

All right, here... Leave--Leave the socks.

For what?

For the film. It's our little splash of color.

There.

There what?

It's like-- it's like the girl in the little red coat in Schindler's List.

Like that. Yeah.

You know, it's funny. It's exactly like that. It is.

I don't need the whole world knowing we're slobs.

But we are slobs.

No. You're a slob, I just got tired.

Yeah, but it's real.

All right, fine. You know, it's not like your mother's gonna watch this,

see the socks on the bed, and be here every day straightening up.

All right.

Just joking.

You know what, Murray? I'm all fetched out.

All right. Go on. Go get it.

Go get it.

Why do you teach him things?

He's a dog. It's the kind of thing they enjoy.

You ready? We have to wait for Fran.

For what?

She's bringing over her Mulwah.

I beg your pardon?

Her Mulwah, it's an original.

Fran has an original Mulwah?

Mmm-hmm.

Philip Mulwah, the Dadaist.

So it's a Mulwah Dada.

Yes, it is. Used to be at MoMA.

So it's a Mulwah Dada from the MoMA.

That's exactly right.

Okay. See, I don't know what we're saying.

Fran is bringing over a painting to class up the joint.

Thank you. Was that so difficult?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Can I call you back?

He did?

Why did you yell "Chicken a la King" at my sister?

(LAUGHING) I didn't know that was her.

Why would you yell Chicken a la King at anyone?

I was talking with my foot. Is that...

Is that yours or me? Okay, I'll call you back.

Hey. Hello.

Since when do we read Scientific American?

Yes. Mr. Walcott, actually, I'm looking at your file right now.

Never seen Scientific American in this house, ever.

Okay. You know what? Look, I'm just gonna check with my staff

and put you on hold for one minute.

You want the world to know the only thing we read

is TV Guide and the Victoria's Secret catalog?

Yes, yes. If it's honest, yes, I do.

Well, they just assured me it's gonna be ready first thing Monday.

Mmm-hmm. I'm devoting the whole weekend to it.

Okay. Bye-bye.

It's honest enough.

Sweetie... I went to Yale. It could happen.

All right, fine. We read Scientific American.

We ready?

Not especially.

(MURRAY WHINING) Murray, what did I say? We're busy...

Aw, all right. Ready? Come on.

Go long.

Yes!

He's gonna be looking for that thing till Labor Day.

Hey, where's-- where's my thing?

What thing?

The remote for all the cameras.

The thing with the little thing. This thing?

There you go.

All right. Come on.

Let us make a movie.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You ready?

Okay. Uh, what do you want me to do?

Nothin'. The only rule, be yourself.

Be yourself for 15 minutes.

Then I'm ready.

You sure? Yes.

Okay.

And... No.

No.

Okay. Really?

Let's do it. Yes. Okay. Fifteen minutes.

Okay. All right.

And action!

So...

So...

It's a nice day. Isn't it?

Yes.

Not raining.

No.

They said it might.

Rain? Yes.

It didn't.

No.

Cut! Oh, my God.

This is not...

Maybe--Maybe talking is the wrong way to go here.

What do you mean?

Because film is visual. It's-- It's a visual medium.

Supposed to be visual? Exactly.

What does that mean? Dancing?

No, just doing, doing. Doing whatever we do.

Uh-huh. What do we do?

We do stuff.

I could work.

See? That's honest. Good. Yes.

What are you gonna do?

I'll do what I do. All right.

All right? Okay, here we go.

And action.

Sweetie? Hmm?

This is already the most boring movie ever made.

I'm sorry!

Cut!

Well, maybe we're just not interesting enough.

We're very interesting.

We're plenty interesting. Otherwise, why would they have picked us?

All right, who else? What?

Who else did they pick? Oh.

Ken Burns, Seymour Looch.

Andre Duquette is doing one of these.

The Yee Brothers.

The Yee Brothers?

The Yee brothers. I'm tellin' you, this thing is like the dream team.

So what do their wives do?

Who, the Yee Brothers? Yeah.

The Yee Brothers are gay.

Both of them?

Can you keep a secret?

They're not so much brothers.

Okay, see, already, they're more interesting.

So them, Andre Duquette...

Now, where do you get that Andre Duquette is already more interesting than you?

He's French. French-Canadian.

Oh.

Is he married? Yes.

Is his wife more interesting?

Will you stop that? Well, what does she do?

Andre... Actually, his wife's a junkie.

Hello!

They met in prison.

How do you expect me to compete with that?

I don't expect you to compete. I just want you to be yourself.

But they're all so gay or foreign or gritty.

Well, let's do it.

Here? Yes. Let's do it right here.

Are we in here? Mmm-hmm.

Then that's where we're gonna do it. This is good.

It's like two people in our kitchen, only it's us.

We're all set. Ready?

(CLEARS THROAT) And... Rolling. Sorry.

All right.

Action.

So...

So...

I need a cigarette.

What?

I need a cigarette.

I thought, uh...

I was under the impression that you stopped smoking.

Yeah, well, there's a lot about me you don't know.

Okay, I see.

(CHUCKLES)

You know what this smoke reminds me of?

What's that?

This biker bar where I used to hang out.

The one you hung out at? Yeah.

The biker bar? Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

What was that called?

Bikes and Things.

It sounds tough.

You have no idea.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

I got it. I got it.

Who is it?

Ira!

Ira, my cousin?

No, no. Gershwin!

Will you open up?

Hey. Hey.

What's with the suit?

I don't know. I was just on my way down to Buchman's Sporting Goods

at 18th and Broadway.

So?

So, you know, we've been so busy with all our reasonable prices,

unparalleled service...

You are so caught up in all that.

In what?

Business, competition, the whole thing,

just like everybody else in this city.

I mean, look at them down there,

rushing around, and for what?

Scurry along, little ants! Back to your holes!

Well...

Maybe they're rushing to Buchman's Sporting Goods.

Because they know that we will not be undersold.

All right. Cut. Cut.

We're not doing a commercial.

And, you, we're not doing Barfly.

Oh, well...

Fine. Would you look at your dog, please?

Oh, Murray, what're you doing?

Murray, that's my toothbrush! So?

So I'm not as gritty as you.

That's disgusting.

Do me a favor? Get out of here.

Why?

Just go. We're trying to be real.

What? I'm real.

Ah, not really. Just go.

Seriously, get out of here.

Come on, I got a suit made for this.

(SIGHS)

All right, sit there, wear your suit.

Excuse me, Courtney Love over there.

Button up, please.

You know what? Just excuse me for having a dark side.

Sit on the couch. Sit on the couch. No dark side, all right?

No dark side.

Dress regular, all right?

No, we're not doing dark side. We're not doing "Come on down."

We're just... We're people, regular people. We're in a regular house.

We're sitting on a regular couch, all right?

All right. You got it.

All right.

Here we go.

And...

(CLEARS THROAT)

All right. And action.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, good.

FRAN: James!

Hi.

Look, honey, it's Fran, my best friend and business partner.

I see.

I brought the Mulwah. PAUL: Great.

It's gonna be perfect for the... Charity drive?

No. For the... Garage sale?

What are you talking about?

Oh.

Is it on? Uh-huh.

(GIGGLES)

Okay. Okay, so, Fran, what's-- what's new?

(GIGGLES)

Okay.

Hey, you know, Fran, you know what I was thinking?

Something like this must be very hard for you,

being a single mother in New York in the '90s.

I mean, what is-- what is that like?

Cut, cut, cut it, cut it. What? What? What?

Because she looks like an idiot.

No, she doesn't.

Fran, it's okay. It's off now.

Oh. How was I? You were brilliant.

Oh, good.

Did I ever tell you about the time when I was five

and my father's cousin got us on Wonderama,

and they picked me to tell a joke to Sonny Fox?

And nobody laughed, so I threw up all over my brother.

And ever since then... I was good?

You were so good.

Ira. What?

Take her out, celebrate how good she was.

You payin'? Yes, I'm payin'.

Let's go. I was good.

Yes, you were.

Okay. Can we just do this, please?

Hold on. What are you doing?

How about her?

For what? For me.

What're you talking about?

I'm hiring someone to play your wife.

For the documentary? Mmm-hmm.

For that very honest look at our lives.

Ooh!

She did Our Town and three Breck commercials.

Sweetie... Look at her.

She could kick the crap out of the Yee Brothers.

Listen to me. I just want this to be right for you.

It'll be right. We just have to be ourselves.

How about her? How about you?

I'm not available. Yes, you are.

Look, you keep talking about honesty.

Let's be honest.

For the next 15 minutes,

wouldn't you rather be married to Uma Thurman or some hop head...

First of all, I would never be married to anybody named Uma.

Oh, you know... Seriously.

...I think you might get used to it.

No, I couldn't. You know why?

'cause every morning at breakfast, you got to yell out,

"Uma, the toast is ready!"

"Uma, eggs!"

Who wants to say, "Uma, eggs," every day of their life?

Listen... I just wish you'd given me some notice.

There was no notice to give.

My hair is poofy.

Yeah, but you know what? It's a good poofy. It's a good poofy.

The Yee Brothers will be envious. They don't have poofy hair.

Come on, how many-- how many times...

I'll bet you the Yee Brothers are done already. They're finished.

All right. All right, fine.

Let's just do it. Let's do it.

Yeah, 15 minutes straight through.

Straight through. Yeah.

No matter what happens. No matter what happens.

All right.

(CLEARS THROAT) Here we go.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

No matter what happens.

No matter what happens.

All right.

And action.

I'm going to make some coffee. Okay.

I will, uh...

I'll help you.

I'll, uh... I'll fill up the pot.

I will get the coffee. All right.

Did you buy filters?

Uh, oh. Didn't you?

No. Didn't you?

Um, no.

All right.

Honey. Yeah, baby.

Cut.

Cut some cake to go with the coffee.

Sure.

Honey...

No matter what happens.

I can't believe you didn't get my little joke.

What?

Like I'm really gonna take a coffee filter

out of the trash and use it again?

It's a little joke. Get it?

So, we're not having coffee. Okay? All right.

Look, honey, it's Murray, our dog.

What's he got this time?

(LAUGHING) Oh, hey, Murray.

How many times do I tell you, don't go into Mommy's drawers.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.

Those aren't mine.

Yes. Sure they are. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

All right, cut. Some cake to go with your underwear?

Okay.

Good boy, Murray. That's funny what you did.

Okay, go.

Get it. Go! Good boy.

Thank you very much for calling me back.

I mean, it's not like I'm in crisis or anything.

And my shrink went skiing and wouldn't give me the number.

Anyway, there's that tape I borrowed. Lisa?

Hey, remember that meat packer Daddy told me to stay away from?

So I make a date with him last night, right,

since Dennis' wife is back in town

and what am I supposed to do?

Sit at home alone playing Hello Kitty?

Oh, God!

What am I doing with him in the first place?

I mean, it's not like he's so great or anything.

I mean, how many times can you fake it?

"Oh, Dennis.

"Oh, Dennis.

"Oh, yeah, Dennis. Oh, yeah, that's it.

"Right there, baby, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're the king.

"Here I go. Wow."

(SCREAMING)

I mean, give me a break. Lisa, Lisa...

And--And meanwhile, he's so loud,

my neighbors keep threatening

to tell the landlord I'm an illegal sublet.

Lisa... Wait, wait, wait.

So the doorbell rings.

I'm thinking it's meat packer, and it's Dennis,

threatening to blow up the mayor again

if I go out with anyone else.

So I say, "Do it, do it.

"I'll help you, if it'll get you off my back!"

Then he starts crying,

and I give him some leftover Percodan

I still have from when Mom got her facelift.

Next thing I know, meat packer comes in,

sees this, cops an attitude.

So I tell him, "It's my brother." He says, "Cool."

We go out for cannolis, and actually, he turns out to be a pretty hot guy,

even if he does have ties to the mob.

I'm meeting him for brunch.

Wish me luck.

Look, honey, Roman Holiday.

You lent that to her? So?

I've been looking for this tape for three years.

She brought it back.

You know, when we bought this? After we were talking about going to Europe.

Why didn't we ever do that?

Europe? 'Cause it's all the way over there in Europe.

Honey. What?

What is this?

What? Oh. That's, uh, nothing.

That's just, uh... Just some work stuff for whatever.

You want some coffee? Looks like a receipt.

Huh? Something, whatever, anyway...

Yeah, for film equipment.

I--I'm going to try that--that mochaccino.

You told me you just found out about this film today?

Yeah, so?

So why is the date on that receipt from two weeks ago?

Oh, you know, they do that sometimes.

Yeah, they do that when you rent it two weeks ago.

Yeah, oh, you know what? I forgot, we don't have filters.

I'll just... I'll run down and I'll get...

When did you find out about this film? What?

When did you find out about this film?

What difference does that make?

Ira had a suit made for this thing, didn't he?

He's little. How long could that take?

You've been teaching Murray tricks.

No. Well... Okay, so you told Murray, and you told Ira.

Maybe Murray told Ira. You don't know.

I can't believe you lied to me like that.

You know what, sweetie? Let's talk about this later.

What, did you think I didn't want to do it? No, honey, later. Seriously.

No. You keep talking about honesty. Let's be honest.

Okay. All right. I'm just saying I would honestly

like to talk about this later.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, fine. What, seriously.

(CLEARING THROAT)

What--What are you doing now?

Opening our mail.

What did we get? I didn't see it today.

Ahem. Anything good?

Nothing for me?

Hey, did we win a million dollars?

No such luck, huh?

Okay, all right. Here's the truth.

I--I didn't tell you because I knew-- I knew that you would get

all crazy and over prepared.

And then it wouldn't be real.

I wanted it... I want this to be honest.

Hmm, so you lied.

I may-- I may have misrepresented myself.

You are unbelievable!

Oh, and what are you, you're like Agnes from Truthville?

What? I made it up. You get the gist.

Yes, compared to you, I am.

Okay, how about this?

That's completely different. How?

Because it is. Because it is. How? How?

Because it... I rest my case!

All right, fine.

You want honesty?

Yes? Excuse me.

There. You see these? Yes.

They're yours. Oh.

You happy now?

Like I'm so impressed.

Excuse me. W-W-Wait one second.

All right. You see these? Yes.

They're mine.

I bought them, I wear them.

And they make me feel very special.

Okay? There you go. Oh, big deal.

Do you want to see Fran's Mulwah? No. No, I certainly do not.

Okay, okay, now, come here, come here.

Let's be honest. Let's be really honest about the whole thing.

Okay, there we go.

All right. Hey, ma, you see these?

This is how we live.

Excuse me. I don't read Scientific American.

Okay, these are capped right here.

My middle name is Eunice.

Excuse me. I tape Baywatch. Okay?

I have a tattoo.

I once-- I once fell asleep i-i-in the middle of sex.

Okay, that's actually true. He did.

No, no, no. Say something about yourself.

It doesn't make me look very good either.

All right. That's true. Okay.

I directed Hooter Vacation under a pseudonym.

Mr. Walcott, you know how I said

I was working on your proposal this weekend?

I don't think so.

I... I thought your middle name is Karen.

I lied. Hooter Vacation?

It was years ago. All right, now you know. It was years ago.

You know what? I feel better.

Yes. Me, too. And why?

Honesty. Honesty. Yes. That's the only way to do this.

Let's clean this up. I'm gonna get some flowers.

BOTH: Cut, cut, cut, cut.

So. So.

Lisa called.

Your sister.

My older sister, Lisa. Yeah.

From Connecticut.

Where you grew up.

The Nutmeg State.

All right, cut. It is!

Nah, nah.

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