All language subtitles for Mad About You s01e20 The Spy Girl Who Loved Me.eng

- They still have you on hold?
- Can you believe it?

Ten million cable TVs in this city,
one repair guy.

Yes. Hi.
Yes, I'm still here.

No, the sound we have.

It's the picture,
not so much.

Honey, don't hit the TV.

Huh? Oh, he says
we should hit the TV.

No, it's still wavy.

- What kind of wavy?
- Squiggly, sporadic, sort of snowy.

Just tell him it's like this.

Sir, are you familiar with
the Polynesian dance the aliwakiali?

Tell me why

I love you like I do

Tell me who

Can start my heart as much as you

Tell me all your secrets
and I'll tell you most of mine

They say nobody's perfect
Well, that's really true this time

I don't have the answers

I don't have a plan

But I'm mad about you, baby

So help me understand

What we do

You can whisper in my ear

Where we go

Who knows what happens after here

Let's take each other's hand

As we jump into
the final frontier

I'm mad about you, baby

Yeah

I'm mad about you

Sir, of course
we want our cable fixed.

We're not home from 8:00 till 4:00.

Jobs!

No, I will not be put on hold...
I'm holding.

Maybe we could just watch it like this.
It's kinda soothing.

Now somebody else is calling.
Hello?

Yeah, listen, can she call you back?
She will.

I'm on hold with the cable guy.
Please.

Hello...
He hung up. Great.

- Who was it?
- It was for you. Her name...

One name. Woman's name.

Diane?

Not Diane.

Like Diane.

Diane. Yes.

Thank you very much.

I was confused. I had the whole
cable situation going on. Shoot me.

Diane Caldwell's room, please.

Probably the padded one.

Diane Caldwell, Spy Girl?

Diane Caldwell,
pain in the butt.

From the TV show?
That's who you're calling?

- She's a client.
- You never told me that.

That would have required
a conversation about me.

I used to love her. Man!

When I was nine I wanted to marry her.
When I was 30 I wanted to marry her.

Diane? Hi. Jamie.
Did your plane get in all right?

- Tell her I used to love her.
- What? They wouldn't give you peanuts?

Tell her.

I'm sorry there was turbulence.
I requested a non-turbulent flight.

I can't believe
I hung up on Spy Girl.

Diane, why don't you get settled...

I'm so stupid!

Diane, the presidential suite
is a deluxe room.

- Tell her I didn't know it was her.
- And I'll see you at 7:30.

Okay, looking forward to it.
Bye-bye.

Go away, go away, go away.

I can't believe I was on the phone...
I talked to Spy Girl.

Twenty years ago she was Spy Girl.
Now she's written this stupid book.

Not only do I have to promote it,
I have to read it.

I don't think you appreciate it.

This woman saved Western civilization
every Tuesday night for six years.

No wonder she's so irritable.

- They got pictures in there?
- Yes.

Of her with the boots?

Look how confident she is.

Well, you know,
she's holding a bazooka.

- You find that attractive?
- Very much so, yes.

- Why?
- 'Cause...

Well, you know,
it's a guy thing.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble,
but Diane Caldwell is no Spy Girl.

What do you mean?

She's whiny, demanding,
and she calls me Karen.

Well, in her defense
let me just say this...

she was brainwashed by SCRUM.

- SCRUM?
- Yes.

Society for the Corruption
and Ruination of Universal Mankind.

I love when you talk politics.

- Come to dinner. I'll show you off.
- Are you kidding me?

I'm serious. You can suck up to her
so I don't have to.

Oh, that's Ira.
This is gonna kill him.

His brain is gonna explode.

- Hey, you ready?
- Please come in.

- Hey, James. You coming with us?
- I don't think so.

'Cause if we're gonna sneak into
all three movies we gotta leave now.

Been a bit of
a change in plan there, pal.

Yeah? What are we doing?

Well, it's not "we"
so much as "me," really.

- Yeah? What?
- It's completely me and not at all you.

- Wouldn't you say that's the case?
- I'm staying out of this one.

My lovely bride has invited me to go
to dinner tonight with a client of hers.

Well, that's cool.

- Would you like to know who?
- Why? Do I care?

Well, you might, in the sense that
this is somebody you once worshipped.

You're having dinner
with Ron Swaboda?

Taller. Prettier.
Shapelier legs.

Ed Kranepool?

We're having dinner
with Diane Caldwell.

- Spy Girl?
- Why did you do that?

I couldn't stand it anymore.

- You're having dinner with Spy Girl?
- Better... I am and you're not.

I'm thinking about camp
for you this summer.

- Why is he having dinner with Spy Girl?
- Because I'm promoting her new book.

Big book. Big dinner.

And you can't come.

- You gotta let me come with you.
- I would if I could, but sadly, I can't.

- I would never do this to you.
- You always did this to me all my life.

I got the Spy Girl Thermos,
so you had to get the lunch box.

I got the doll,
you got the action set.

I got the badge,
you got the walkie-talkies.

You got the doll?

It wasn't a doll.
It was like a little statue.

- It was a doll.
- It wasn't.

The whole family was worried.

The point is, now I'm having dinner
with the actual thing itself...

and you can't come with us.

You know, you never got over the fact
that Spy Girl liked me more than you.

- Liar!
- I'm so proud of you both.

- We both wrote letters.
- And she only wrote back to me.

Yes, because you
never mailed my letter.

Oh, you never proved that.

It was such a much better letter
than your stupid letter...

that if she was gonna answer one letter
it clearly would've been my letter...

which proves to me
that you never mailed my letter.

So now, to pay for that,
you can't come.

I'm glad
I didn't mail your letter.

Okay, all right, all right!

Did you know that Diane Caldwell
was almost gonna be That Girl?

What girl?

The show That Girl.

Really? What happened?

No chemistry with Ted Bessell.

- Would the turtleneck have been better?
- Trust me.

I just remember
she liked turtlenecks.

Spy Girl liked turtlenecks in 1968.

Besides, it doesn't fit.

Meaning what?

It clings.
It bunched up right here.

You know, there is a side of you
that I forget about sometimes.

I'm just trying to
bring you down to earth.

I'm on earth. I'm fine. I'm having
dinner with my wife and her client.

- Diane Caldwell, not Spy Girl.
- I know. I understand.

Do you think she would sign
my Spy Girl I D card?

Aren't you ashamed?

I'll only ask if it feels right.

- This way, Miss Caldwell.
- I was getting worried about you.

You wouldn't believe
the cab driver I just had.

He tells me he can't
cut through the park.

And of course he can't hear me
because the sitar music is so loud.

And every time he steps on the gas
40 Madonnas fall on his lap.

Good to see you.
Sit down.

Oh, you always have
such good ideas.

- Hi.
- Larry, right?

Yes, it is.

- No, you're Paul.
- Well, whatever.

It's a big pleasure to meet you.
I'm a very big fan.

- Join the club.
- I did.

Hey!

I'm impressed.

Honey, what are you doing?
Honey?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just... I didn't think you would, but
I was kinda hoping for the go-go boots.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Diane's done a lot of wonderful work
since Spy Girl.

Shakespeare in the park,
New Drama Workshop in London.

People want to know
about Spy Girl, not me.

I didn't mean to imply
in any way...

I remember years ago
I was talking to Adam West...

You mean Batman Adam West?

You know Adam West?

Intimately.

Wow. Really?

It's in my book.

I know.

Adam always used to say to me...

"You know, no matter what you do people
will always remember you as Spy Girl."

And I understand Adam's point
a little bit...

because when I was a kid...

I was in the third grade
and I painted this stupid painting.

It was just a guy
sitting in a canoe.

My parents thought it was so terrific
and they were so proud of it.

So to this day
we go to their house...

it doesn't matter what I've accomplished
in my work or my adult life...

they always say the same thing...
"Show them the picture with the canoe."

So I can relate a little bit
to what you're saying.

Hey!

Small world!

- Ira...
- What are you kids doing here?

Better yet,
what are you doing here?

Ira, this is Diane.
Diane, this is Ira.

- You're Diane Caldwell, aren't you?
- Yes.

And no, I'm not
wearing the go-go boots.

- Go-go boots?
- Spy Girl.

Oh, from the show on television.
Of course. No, no, no.

I remember seeing you in King Lear
a few years ago. You were just great.

Yeah, right.
Like you went to King Lear.

I did, and I was captivated.

Yeah, right.
Like you were captivated.

- Honey?
- What?

- I'm honored that you liked my work.
- I'm flattered that you're honored.

- How did you know that we were here?
- Kismet. I just wandered in.

I was meeting some people
at Carnegie Hall.

Liar...

- Why don't you join us?
- Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

- Oh, yes, you could.
- Diane, that's really not necessary.

Yes, it is.

- Ira, why don't you join us?
- Thank you.

Always room for
a man in a turtleneck.

I never thought I'd say this,
but thank God for Ira.

Show me where this bunches.

I see no bunches.
There's no bunching.

- I think it looks very good.
- Yes, it does.

If you'd worn that, maybe you could've
walked Spy Girl back to the hotel.

Meanwhile, I'll bet you a million bucks
she didn't let him past the lobby.

- Why? Would that upset you?
- No, I'm just saying...

Why is my cousin Ira,
who did lower than me on his SATs...

in a hotel suite with Spy Girl?

Honey, I'm sorry
it couldn't have been you.

Did I say I wanted it to be me?

Tell me you don't.

No, listen, I don't have
those desires anymore.

Well, you used to.

- Yeah, well, it went away.
- When?

March.
Middle of March, last year.

March 11 I was filled with desires, and
on the 12th there were no more desires.

Like that, they just went away.

You're trying to tell me you don't
have fantasies about other people?

No. Why? Do you?

Well, of course.

Okay. I do too, then.

What about?

- Oh, forget it.
- Come on.

Why me?
You started it. You tell me.

I don't know, sometimes
I'll imagine a place or a person...

some beautiful man or woman and...

Wait, so when
you're with this other woman...

where am I?

You're around.

I am?

Sometimes.

And the other times?

You're at work.

See, I knew
there was something going on.

Okay, your turn.

- Let's not do this.
- Please?

- We start sharing, someone gets hurt.
- Come on, tell me.

Really, I want to know.

All right, well,
without revealing too much...

you look smashing
in a Viking helmet.

That's all I'm saying.

How do I look
in go-go boots and a bazooka?

- Not as good as your sister.
- Oh, you're sick!

- You asked!
- Oh! I can't talk to you about anything.

Thank you for a beautiful evening.
I brought doughnuts.

You're roaming the streets
kind of early.

Hey, wait a second.

Is it my imagination, or are you wearing
the same clothes from last night?

Very good observation, Spy Boy.

How is Diane?

Believe me...

Is there something you would
like to share with the group?

It's like this. After Miss Caldwell
and I left you last night...

- You slept with her?
- We took a leisurely stroll.

- You slept with her.
- It was a beautiful night.

- Just say it!
- There was a bit of a wind chill.

- You slept with her!
- Hey, who's telling the story here?

This story better have a happy ending,
because if I lose this account...

- Excuse me. I want details.
- Oh, please.

- Not in front of her.
- Go on, shock me.

She loved it. Couldn't get enough.
I had to hold on for dear life.

I would like some details, please.

I'm not letting you two
cheapen a beautiful experience.

Give me a break.

Diane is a terrific lady. Did you know
that she grows her own tarragon?

- She has a little garden at home.
- Really?

- It's in the book.
- I know.

- Is he serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.

I'm headin' home,
hittin' the showers...

then back uptown to meet her
at the book signing.

- I'm worried about you, tarragon boy.
- Yeah? Why?

Because every guy that Spy Girl loves
dies at the end.

That was the fourth leading
cause of death in 1968.

Yeah? Well,
I'm gonna take my chances.

Believe me,
this lady is worth it.

So, Fran tells me
you had dinner with Spy Girl.

I can't believe
you don't invite me.

Come on, Mark, you're a married man.
Why torture yourself?

I checked the service.
The hospital called.

Mrs. Heller's contractions
are now two minutes apart.

Ah, a few hours of labor
never hurt anybody.

I've been waiting 20 years
for this.

You gotta get us to the front
of the line, or I'm gonna kill him.

- Honey, take him up there, please.
- Come here.

What is it with this woman?

I don't know.
She wore boots.

I would like you to meet a good friend
of ours, Dr. Mark Davanow.

Mark is one of Manhattan's
most respected physicians.

Oh. It's an honor.

I gotta tell ya, I saw you
do King Lear in the park.

You were fantastic.
Just fantastic.

If Shakespeare had been there,
he would have raveth.

I laugh because Shakespeare
had that "th" thing.

This was after
you did Plaza Suite...

but just before you did Brigadoon
at the Westbury Music Fair.

The versatility! Come on!

And you look as beautiful today
as you did back then.

You know what you should do? You should
do one of those exercise videos.

Or Ibsen. Yeah.

Mark, they called again.

The head's out.
Let's go.

Okay, look, I have to go.

But you listen to what I say,
because I know I'm right.

Yo, Diane.

God, that guy looks so familiar.
Where do I know him from?

- Last night?
- Oh, right.

- Yo, babe. How's it goin'?
- Hey, Ira. We're working here.

You got plenty of time for that later.
You and Paul wanna join us for dinner?

- I don't know.
- Come on. We'd love it, right?

Well, actually...

I guess I spoke too soon. Sorry.
We want to be alone.

Karen, can I speak to you
for a minute?

- Hey, give Ms. Caldwell a little space.
- Sorry.

Your cousin Irving
is driving me crazy.

You have a nice dinner with the guy,
you spend the night.

Suddenly he's all over you
like it's a thing...

and it's not a thing
because I'm flying out of here tonight.

You think he knows, and he seems to
think it's a thing and it's not...

and then it suddenly
becomes a whole thing.

- Can you get me a diet soda?
- Shouldn't you tell this to Ira?

I was hoping you would.
Would you? Thanks.

And crushed ice,
if they have it.

Oh, God.

Oh, poor Ira.

You know, I would really like
to be the one to break it to him.

- Uh-huh. I bet you would.
- I think I should.

- Be gentle.
- Of course.

Schmooie, come here.

Yeah, sure.

- Don't you go anywhere.
- I gotta talk to you.

- How many books have we sold?
- A lot.

Boy, people like me.

She's great, isn't she?

Who would've ever thought a guy like me
would wind up with a class act like her?

You're gonna take all the fun
out of this for me.

What do you mean?

See, Spy Girl...

Spy Girl is kinda moving on
to her next adventure.

Excuse me?

I don't know
how to put this gently.

She's dumping you.

- You petty child.
- Wait a second...

I cannot believe
you would stoop this low.

I finally met a terrific woman.
You should be happy for me.

Ira, Ira, Ira, I told you this in 1968
and I'll tell it to you again now.

Spy Girl
ain't interested in you.

Every 20 years
I gotta explain this.

You don't have to
explain anything.

When you wait for the real thing as long
as I have, you know when it comes along.

Diane, don't you think
you should talk to Ira?

Who?

From last night?
He's over there.

- I thought you were taking care of that.
- No!

I will book talk shows for you.
I'll send out your press release.

I'll even yell at the airline
about your damn peanuts.

But I will not break
some poor guy's heart for you.

Do it.
It'll be good for your career.

Ira.
Thank you for the roses.

I'm sorry that I left this morning
before saying good-bye, but...

that's the way I am when I meet
someone who I'm really crazy about.

I've had to give so much
to my public all these years...

I just haven't enough left
to give to any one man.

I wish I did, but I don't.

But if there were just one man,
I'd want it to be you.

Thank you for last night.

Good-bye, Ira.

Good-bye.

I asked for a diet soda.

She used me.

- I'm sorry, Ira.
- I mean, she used me.

That is so cool.

- It is?
- Yeah, sure.

Who would've ever dreamed that I,
a boy from Sheepshead Bay...

would grow up and get used
by Spy Girl?

Listen, you don't have to do this.
Believe me, I know how you're feeling.

No, you don't.

Adam West knows how I'm feeling.

You have no idea.

We are an elite fraternity, son,
and you just didn't make the cut.

- Yeah, 'cause you didn't mail my letter.
- Hey, hey.

Don't feel bad.

What you've got
is pretty damn good.

Oh, thank you, Ira.

Yeah.
They're from me too.

- To Spy Girl.
- To Spy Girl.

You know who else was pretty hot?
Elly May.

Jethro would've hunted you down
like a dog.

Patty Duke was cute.

Patty Duke? That's good. Then there
would've been one for each of us.

Which one do you want?

Which is the one
that's been most everywhere?

- Cathy.
- Then the other one.

You know, I once had a thing
for Betty Rubble.

Animated. She was animated.

I'd have calmed her down.

She was a drawing.

A man can dream, can't he?

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