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1
00:00:02,187 --> 00:00:04,280
I know. Yes.
2
00:00:04,356 --> 00:00:06,153
Ma, yes.
3
00:00:06,224 --> 00:00:10,024
Yes, Ma, I told you
we're gonna entertain him.
4
00:00:10,095 --> 00:00:13,030
You go away
and have a good time.
5
00:00:13,098 --> 00:00:15,396
He's my father.
I know what the man likes.
6
00:00:15,467 --> 00:00:17,059
Where's the list?
7
00:00:17,135 --> 00:00:18,227
Here we go.
8
00:00:18,303 --> 00:00:21,761
Monday we're taking him out for dinner.
Tuesday we're going out for lunch.
9
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,968
Thursday we're taking him
to that new musical... Moby.
10
00:00:26,044 --> 00:00:28,376
They say
it's better than the book.
11
00:00:29,448 --> 00:00:32,975
What happened to Wednesday?
We just needed a day for ourselves.
12
00:00:33,051 --> 00:00:35,246
No, we're not having trouble.
13
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,254
We're fine, I swear.
14
00:00:37,322 --> 00:00:39,882
- Would you please tell her?
- We're not having trouble.
15
00:00:39,958 --> 00:00:44,088
You see that? Why would she lie?
No, she doesn't do that anymore.
16
00:00:44,162 --> 00:00:45,595
- Do what?
- She does not.
17
00:00:45,664 --> 00:00:47,598
Do what? What do I do?
I want to know.
18
00:00:47,666 --> 00:00:49,600
- Forget it!
- I want to know!
19
00:00:49,668 --> 00:00:52,296
You're doing it.
You see what you started here?
20
00:01:03,548 --> 00:01:05,709
Tell me why
21
00:01:05,784 --> 00:01:07,445
I love you like I do
22
00:01:07,519 --> 00:01:09,180
Tell me who
23
00:01:09,254 --> 00:01:11,552
Can start my heart as much as you
24
00:01:11,623 --> 00:01:13,352
Let's take each other's hand
25
00:01:13,425 --> 00:01:17,589
As we jump intothe final frontier
26
00:01:17,662 --> 00:01:20,290
I'm mad about you, baby
27
00:01:20,365 --> 00:01:22,595
Yeah
28
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,897
I'm mad about you
29
00:01:43,889 --> 00:01:47,825
Look at this. The guy playing Queequeg
did Tevye at Caesar's Palace.
30
00:01:50,795 --> 00:01:52,729
I can't believe
you invited your cousin Ira.
31
00:01:52,797 --> 00:01:54,856
I didn't.
My father invited him.
32
00:01:54,933 --> 00:01:57,493
Where does he meet these women
he goes out with?
33
00:01:57,569 --> 00:01:59,196
Do we really want to know?
34
00:01:59,271 --> 00:02:02,104
- You have to ask her to stop humming.
- I will.
35
00:02:03,175 --> 00:02:05,666
It'll be one more act.
That's all you got.
36
00:02:05,744 --> 00:02:08,907
Nothing like Broadway.
Four-fifty for Goobers.
37
00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:11,448
- Where did you get those?
- Across the street. You want a bite?
38
00:02:11,516 --> 00:02:13,814
Yes.
Hey, where's my father?
39
00:02:13,885 --> 00:02:15,318
He's around.
40
00:02:22,027 --> 00:02:23,460
She's tuning up.
41
00:02:26,398 --> 00:02:28,195
You know what... Ow.
42
00:02:28,266 --> 00:02:30,894
- What'd you do?
- I think I chipped a tooth.
43
00:02:30,969 --> 00:02:35,133
- Take these stupid earrings off.
- No. Your father gave them to me.
44
00:02:35,207 --> 00:02:37,141
- Where is he?
- He'll be back.
45
00:02:37,209 --> 00:02:40,303
He won't. Intermission will be over
and he'll wander out on stage somewhere.
46
00:02:40,378 --> 00:02:42,903
Would you be nice to him,
please?
47
00:02:42,981 --> 00:02:46,678
I'm very nice to him. I had lunch
with him, took him to the Knick game...
48
00:02:46,751 --> 00:02:50,847
listened to his "returning the hat with
the poor stitching in the visor" saga.
49
00:02:50,922 --> 00:02:54,255
- He misses your mother.
- I know.
50
00:02:54,326 --> 00:02:57,261
When does she get back
from the fat farm?
51
00:02:58,597 --> 00:03:01,191
- It's a spa.
- Whatever.
52
00:03:01,266 --> 00:03:04,064
She'll be back in a week.
He's gonna make me crazy.
53
00:03:04,135 --> 00:03:05,568
You're making yourself crazy.
54
00:03:05,637 --> 00:03:08,071
Here's Johnny!
55
00:03:08,139 --> 00:03:10,869
- Uncle Burt, I got you a hot dog.
- I told you no.
56
00:03:13,111 --> 00:03:15,170
Sweetheart,
you have a beautiful voice.
57
00:03:15,247 --> 00:03:17,715
Hey, she's with me.
58
00:03:17,782 --> 00:03:20,546
- Pop, I was getting worried about you.
- You'll never guess who I saw.
59
00:03:20,619 --> 00:03:22,883
- Regis Philbin.
- Where?
60
00:03:22,954 --> 00:03:25,422
Downstairs. Come on, let's go down.
I'll introduce us.
61
00:03:25,490 --> 00:03:28,254
- The second act's about to start.
- We have time.
62
00:03:28,326 --> 00:03:31,818
- It probably wasn't even him.
- What, I don't know Regis Philbin?
63
00:03:31,896 --> 00:03:36,060
Yes, of course. You are the foremost
Regis Philbin spotter on the planet.
64
00:03:36,134 --> 00:03:38,432
- What are you so upset about?
- I'm not upset.
65
00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:41,297
- There he is.
- Where?
66
00:03:41,373 --> 00:03:44,308
- Fourth row.
- Dad, come on.
67
00:03:44,376 --> 00:03:46,606
- Hey, that's him.
- Didn't I tell you?
68
00:03:46,678 --> 00:03:49,203
- It actually is him.
- I'm very excited.
69
00:03:49,281 --> 00:03:50,509
- Up here.
- Dad...
70
00:03:50,582 --> 00:03:52,709
Hello, Regis!
71
00:03:57,188 --> 00:03:59,486
- I do not.
- You do so.
72
00:03:59,557 --> 00:04:03,493
- I don't whine in my sleep.
- Well, you did last night.
73
00:04:03,561 --> 00:04:06,962
Yeah, 'cause last night I had
the worst dream I ever had.
74
00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:11,498
We were at the theater,
and my father stands up...
75
00:04:11,569 --> 00:04:14,197
Honey, it was real.
76
00:04:14,272 --> 00:04:17,139
- Tell me it wasn't.
- It wasn't.
77
00:04:17,208 --> 00:04:19,233
- Was it?
- It was.
78
00:04:19,311 --> 00:04:21,472
- Do you want some breakfast?
- Yes, please. What are you making?
79
00:04:21,546 --> 00:04:23,173
- Coffee.
- That's it?
80
00:04:23,248 --> 00:04:24,180
- Milk.
- Oh, good.
81
00:04:26,518 --> 00:04:30,113
Why is it every time we go
to the theater it's a disaster?
82
00:04:30,188 --> 00:04:32,622
We can't find the cab
or they screw up the tickets.
83
00:04:32,691 --> 00:04:35,455
Or your father says hello
to Regis Philbin.
84
00:04:35,527 --> 00:04:38,690
- He just always does stuff like that.
- Like what?
85
00:04:38,763 --> 00:04:41,231
Like what? You were there.
You saw what he did.
86
00:04:41,299 --> 00:04:43,961
What did he do?
87
00:04:44,035 --> 00:04:48,062
- He embarrassed me.
- Well, you embarrass me sometimes.
88
00:04:48,139 --> 00:04:50,505
When?
When do I embarrass you?
89
00:04:50,575 --> 00:04:52,008
Pick a day.
90
00:04:53,178 --> 00:04:54,270
Last Tuesday.
91
00:04:55,013 --> 00:04:57,982
We went to El Greco.
You tried to order in Spanish.
92
00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:01,518
So? They happen
to appreciate that.
93
00:05:01,586 --> 00:05:04,180
They don't. I don't.
94
00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:08,559
- Did they say something to you?
- We exchanged a look.
95
00:05:09,894 --> 00:05:12,624
Well, lo siento. I really am.
96
00:05:14,332 --> 00:05:17,392
You don't have to be sorry.
That's my point. It's no big deal.
97
00:05:17,469 --> 00:05:19,403
Do you want to make some toast?
98
00:05:19,471 --> 00:05:22,406
You don't think that what my father did
was a little bit annoying?
99
00:05:22,474 --> 00:05:24,408
Well, you annoy me sometimes.
100
00:05:25,477 --> 00:05:27,911
- Meaning what?
- Meaning you're just like him.
101
00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:30,277
And I love you both.
102
00:05:30,348 --> 00:05:33,408
All right, this is for
the good thing you just said.
103
00:05:33,485 --> 00:05:36,215
- Now, for the bad thing...
- Can we just drop it?
104
00:05:36,287 --> 00:05:39,222
I'm dropping it.
I'm dropping now.
105
00:05:42,327 --> 00:05:45,694
"Hello, Regis!"
He just yells "Hello, Regis!"
106
00:05:45,764 --> 00:05:48,392
Right in the middle of the theater.
107
00:05:48,466 --> 00:05:51,594
- Isn't there a law against that?
- Nobody noticed. Nobody cares.
108
00:05:51,669 --> 00:05:54,934
"Nobody cares." How about 1,800 heads
snapping around in unison like that?
109
00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:57,133
- It wasn't that crowded.
- Really?
110
00:05:57,208 --> 00:06:00,177
1,843 people, six usherettes.
111
00:06:00,245 --> 00:06:02,110
1,849 total.
112
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:04,774
What did you do,
call the box office?
113
00:06:08,219 --> 00:06:12,178
- Oh, my God.
- Well, I was curious. I wanted to know.
114
00:06:12,257 --> 00:06:14,020
I love your father.
115
00:06:14,092 --> 00:06:17,357
Everybody loves my father.
He's a lovable guy. I love my father.
116
00:06:17,429 --> 00:06:20,364
- It's just he makes me crazy.
- Well, you make me crazy sometimes.
117
00:06:20,432 --> 00:06:22,832
I'm getting to notice
a pattern here with you.
118
00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:26,029
- I'm getting dressed.
- Hey, I get dressed too sometimes.
119
00:06:26,104 --> 00:06:29,665
Moby is a spectacular show.It's everything they said it was.
120
00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:31,174
I love musical theater.
121
00:06:31,242 --> 00:06:33,608
Honey, it's Regis Philbin.
Hello, Regis!
122
00:06:33,678 --> 00:06:35,202
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
123
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,214
And that first act curtain...
124
00:06:37,282 --> 00:06:40,274
I really believed there was a live whalehanging over the orchestra pit.
125
00:06:40,351 --> 00:06:42,911
Oh, come on.
You could see the wires.
126
00:06:42,987 --> 00:06:46,445
And the second act...
It was pretty eventful too.
127
00:06:46,524 --> 00:06:49,288
- Well, you certainly got a nice mention.
- Nobody move.
128
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:53,387
We're sitting there, it's intermission,everybody's buzzing around the whale...
129
00:06:53,465 --> 00:06:55,399
and suddenlyI hear somebody yell out...
130
00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:58,561
"Up here! Up here!"
131
00:06:58,636 --> 00:07:00,570
We look up, everybody looks up...
132
00:07:00,638 --> 00:07:03,505
and there's a guy who yells outin front of God and everybody...
133
00:07:03,575 --> 00:07:05,099
"Hello, Regis!"
134
00:07:06,311 --> 00:07:07,938
And everybody looks at me...
135
00:07:08,012 --> 00:07:11,243
like it's my fault, like I told this guyto yell my name out.
136
00:07:11,316 --> 00:07:13,511
"Hello, Regis!"
137
00:07:13,585 --> 00:07:16,247
- 2,000 people turned and looked at me.
- And you didn't even know him.
138
00:07:16,321 --> 00:07:17,686
Talk about embarrassing.
139
00:07:17,755 --> 00:07:20,952
You see? Regis is on my side.
He's the only one who understands.
140
00:07:21,025 --> 00:07:24,392
- I understand.
- No, you don't. Only Regis.
141
00:07:25,129 --> 00:07:27,723
Honey, it's over.
Nobody knows it was us.
142
00:07:27,799 --> 00:07:29,960
Let's go to today'strivia question.
143
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,025
What? Hold on, hold on.
144
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,764
What, Gelman, what?
145
00:07:33,838 --> 00:07:35,100
Phone call.
146
00:07:36,174 --> 00:07:37,801
- Hello.
- So I said hello.
147
00:07:37,876 --> 00:07:39,639
Is it a crime?
148
00:07:39,711 --> 00:07:42,646
- Are you the guy on the balcony?
- It was a box.
149
00:07:42,714 --> 00:07:44,739
Hang up, Regis.
150
00:07:44,816 --> 00:07:46,511
- What's your name, sir?
- Burt Buchman.
151
00:07:46,584 --> 00:07:48,779
Okay, Regis, that's enough talk.
Hang up.
152
00:07:48,853 --> 00:07:51,788
You know, I remember whenthis was a friendly city.
153
00:07:51,856 --> 00:07:54,518
Now everybody's too embarrassedto say hello.
154
00:07:54,592 --> 00:07:56,992
- You may have a point.
- He's not gonna hang up.
155
00:07:57,061 --> 00:07:59,621
Sure, I have a point.It's like I was telling my son Paul...
156
00:07:59,697 --> 00:08:01,130
Oh, my God.
157
00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:04,959
He's a filmmaker.
158
00:08:05,036 --> 00:08:07,402
Listen, are you happywith your director?
159
00:08:07,472 --> 00:08:08,905
Oh, my God!
160
00:08:08,973 --> 00:08:11,407
Honey,I'm sure nobody's watching.
161
00:08:13,778 --> 00:08:14,938
Hello?
162
00:08:15,013 --> 00:08:17,447
Shut up, Ira.
It's not funny.
163
00:08:17,515 --> 00:08:19,676
I got somebody else.
I'll call you back.
164
00:08:19,751 --> 00:08:21,514
Hello? Hi, Fran.
165
00:08:21,586 --> 00:08:23,577
No, I don't think it's cute.
166
00:08:23,655 --> 00:08:25,987
I got somebody else calling.
Hello?
167
00:08:26,057 --> 00:08:27,922
Hi, Lisa... Huh?
168
00:08:27,992 --> 00:08:30,927
Because we only had five tickets!
169
00:08:41,739 --> 00:08:43,673
- What do you think?
- It's amazing.
170
00:08:43,741 --> 00:08:45,140
It is!
171
00:08:46,377 --> 00:08:48,038
Do you like it?
172
00:08:48,112 --> 00:08:49,909
I do! Yes!
173
00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:52,313
- You don't like it, I can take it back.
- She likes it!
174
00:08:52,383 --> 00:08:53,577
- She says that.
- She means it.
175
00:08:53,651 --> 00:08:55,243
I do.
It's beautiful.
176
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,550
If you want me to take it back,
I'll take it back.
177
00:08:57,622 --> 00:09:00,557
If you wanna take it back so bad, why'd
you bring it here in the first place?
178
00:09:00,625 --> 00:09:02,286
It looks nice on her!
179
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,554
- Does it fit?
- Perfectly.
180
00:09:03,628 --> 00:09:05,823
- If it doesn't, he'll take it back.
- Place is around the corner.
181
00:09:05,897 --> 00:09:07,125
- Guys.
- What?
182
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:08,756
It's stunning.
183
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:13,227
I feel bad.
I didn't get anything for Lisa.
184
00:09:13,304 --> 00:09:14,737
Oh, that's all right.
185
00:09:14,806 --> 00:09:17,741
I didn't know you were gonna come,
or I would've brought you something.
186
00:09:17,809 --> 00:09:20,107
Here, go out
and buy yourself something.
187
00:09:20,178 --> 00:09:23,113
What are you doing?
You don't have to give her money.
188
00:09:23,181 --> 00:09:25,308
- What's wrong with my money?
- She has money of her own.
189
00:09:25,383 --> 00:09:28,181
- No, I don't!
- Then I'll give you money, okay?
190
00:09:28,252 --> 00:09:30,584
- I just gave her money.
- You don't have to give her money.
191
00:09:30,655 --> 00:09:32,987
- But I like to give her money.
- Guys, I'm begging.
192
00:09:33,057 --> 00:09:34,991
Thank you.
193
00:09:35,059 --> 00:09:36,993
- Want some pat�?
- No, I'm fine.
194
00:09:37,061 --> 00:09:39,086
- What, you don't like it?
- No, it's delicious.
195
00:09:39,163 --> 00:09:40,721
- I can get something else.
- He likes it.
196
00:09:40,798 --> 00:09:43,733
The market's just around the corner.
I pass it every day.
197
00:09:45,303 --> 00:09:47,737
My God, I'm becoming one of you.
198
00:09:49,907 --> 00:09:52,842
I don't know how to break this to you.
You're molting.
199
00:09:53,911 --> 00:09:55,879
Burt, I heard you on Regis.
200
00:09:55,947 --> 00:09:58,245
- You wouldn't believe the calls I got.
- Yes, we would, Dad.
201
00:09:58,316 --> 00:10:00,807
- Friends I thought were dead.
- Yeah, I know.
202
00:10:00,885 --> 00:10:04,480
- Your mother saw it at the fat farm.
- It's a spa.
203
00:10:04,555 --> 00:10:06,022
Who are we kidding?
204
00:10:06,791 --> 00:10:10,124
You see this morning?
Regis mentioned it again.
205
00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:12,662
- You know what he called me?
- Yes, the man who said hello.
206
00:10:12,730 --> 00:10:15,164
- The man who said hello!
- I saw the whole thing, Dad.
207
00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:17,827
- What's so bad?
- It's not bad. It's nice for you.
208
00:10:17,902 --> 00:10:20,837
- I'm glad.
- Oh, now that I'm famous, you're glad.
209
00:10:20,905 --> 00:10:24,363
You should've sent he fuss he made
at the theater. It was embarrassing.
210
00:10:26,144 --> 00:10:27,736
Whoa! Snazzy.
211
00:10:28,813 --> 00:10:29,939
Hi, guys.
212
00:10:30,014 --> 00:10:31,948
Hey, Lisa.
Long time no see.
213
00:10:33,317 --> 00:10:34,841
- Are you still mad?
- About what?
214
00:10:34,919 --> 00:10:36,079
Nothing.
215
00:10:36,154 --> 00:10:38,088
- Did you get it?
- Yeah, I got it.
216
00:10:38,156 --> 00:10:41,956
- What did you get?
- The morning Post. You'll love this.
217
00:10:43,394 --> 00:10:47,592
"Meet Burt Buchman,
the man who said hello."
218
00:10:47,665 --> 00:10:51,692
They called after I talked with Regis.
They said I was human interest.
219
00:10:51,769 --> 00:10:53,396
Two columns, with pictures.
220
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:57,397
- Who's the baby?
- Oh, that's little Paulie.
221
00:10:57,475 --> 00:11:00,842
Used to love
getting baths in the sink.
222
00:11:00,912 --> 00:11:02,470
Wow!
223
00:11:02,547 --> 00:11:05,482
Look, honey,
my schmeckie's in the Post.
224
00:11:11,789 --> 00:11:14,155
Let's check out today's Post.
Here are the headlines.
225
00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:18,286
Who'd have thought this would go this
far? "Day Three: The Buchman Crisis."
226
00:11:18,362 --> 00:11:19,829
I don't care what Burt did.
227
00:11:19,897 --> 00:11:22,991
There is no reason for a son
not to speak to his father.
228
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:26,468
I mean, what did the man do? All he did
was get his son's picture in the paper.
229
00:11:26,537 --> 00:11:28,630
- Is that a crime?
- Exactly.
230
00:11:28,706 --> 00:11:30,640
Let's check it out
with the audience.
231
00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:34,474
Audience, how do you feel about this?
Who hear agrees with Burt, the father?
232
00:11:36,414 --> 00:11:40,350
All right, good. And how many here
can see his son's point of view?
233
00:11:46,023 --> 00:11:50,187
You've reached the Buchmans. If you're
calling forJamie, leave a message.
234
00:11:50,261 --> 00:11:54,197
If you're calling to leave a death
threat for my husband, get a life.
235
00:11:55,266 --> 00:11:57,200
Why don't we just get
an unlisted number?
236
00:11:57,268 --> 00:11:59,600
- I already talked to the phone company.
- And?
237
00:11:59,670 --> 00:12:01,604
They agree with Burt.
238
00:12:03,407 --> 00:12:06,774
- How was your day?
- Well, not bad.
239
00:12:06,844 --> 00:12:09,472
Considering I am now
the most hated man in New York.
240
00:12:09,547 --> 00:12:12,641
You are not the most hated man
in New York.
241
00:12:12,717 --> 00:12:14,582
- Is it raining?
- No.
242
00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:17,450
People have been spitting at me.
243
00:12:18,823 --> 00:12:20,757
- Literally?
- Yes, I'm telling you!
244
00:12:20,825 --> 00:12:22,087
People are spitting.
245
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:26,597
People spit on people all the time in
this city. I'm sure it's not personal.
246
00:12:26,664 --> 00:12:29,599
Right. That's why our doorman just went,
"Ptooie! That's for Burt!"
247
00:12:30,668 --> 00:12:33,102
- Well, there is a solution.
- What? We can't move.
248
00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:36,937
It's a nationally syndicated show,
and I have nothing to say to the man.
249
00:12:37,008 --> 00:12:40,500
You can make your father happy
and become a cult hero at the same time.
250
00:12:40,578 --> 00:12:42,910
I have nothing
to apologize for.
251
00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:44,413
It's not just...
252
00:12:45,983 --> 00:12:48,383
Hello.
Hi, Burt. Hold on.
253
00:12:50,121 --> 00:12:51,383
I'm not here.
254
00:12:51,455 --> 00:12:53,685
I think he took Murray
for a walk.
255
00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:01,994
I'm just sitting here
watching Lassie.
256
00:13:04,869 --> 00:13:06,564
Yeah. What?
257
00:13:06,637 --> 00:13:08,400
Okay, hold on.
258
00:13:08,472 --> 00:13:10,303
What channel?
259
00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:12,035
Tomorrow on Live...
260
00:13:12,109 --> 00:13:15,135
Regis andJoy chatwith composer Marvin Hamlisch...
261
00:13:15,213 --> 00:13:18,011
Claudia Cohen withthe latest dirt from Hollywood...
262
00:13:18,082 --> 00:13:21,540
and actor Daniel Day-Lewisshares his recipe for Irish stew.
263
00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:25,446
Plus, meet Burt Buchman,the man who said hello.
264
00:13:25,523 --> 00:13:27,787
Wow! You're gonna be on Regis?
265
00:13:27,859 --> 00:13:30,350
That's so cool!
266
00:13:30,428 --> 00:13:34,194
- And now, back to Mannix.
- No, of course we'll be there.
267
00:13:34,265 --> 00:13:37,029
All righty, we'll see you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
268
00:13:37,101 --> 00:13:40,229
- We'll be there? What are you doing?
- Oh, tell me you're not going.
269
00:13:40,304 --> 00:13:43,364
- I'm not going to go.
- What are you trying to prove?
270
00:13:43,441 --> 00:13:47,070
Hey, it wasn't your schmeckie
in the Post.
271
00:13:47,144 --> 00:13:49,078
It's partly mine.
272
00:13:52,650 --> 00:13:55,847
Well, thanks to him
it's now public domain.
273
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,252
He wants you there.
He's your father. He loves you.
274
00:13:58,322 --> 00:14:00,256
Yes, well, I'm not going.
275
00:14:00,324 --> 00:14:03,225
- Why are you being like this?
- Because he made me like this.
276
00:14:03,294 --> 00:14:05,262
You're a grown man.
Get over it.
277
00:14:05,329 --> 00:14:08,264
Oh, excuse me. Shall we
get your mother on the phone?
278
00:14:08,332 --> 00:14:10,027
That is completely different.
279
00:14:10,101 --> 00:14:13,036
You know how she is
and you know she can't be stopped.
280
00:14:13,104 --> 00:14:15,038
- Did I hit a nerve?
- No!
281
00:14:17,074 --> 00:14:19,008
What are you so upset about?
282
00:14:19,076 --> 00:14:22,842
I hate to see you rend the fabric
of your relationship with your father.
283
00:14:22,914 --> 00:14:24,245
I'm rending?
284
00:14:24,315 --> 00:14:27,341
Yes.
And I want to meet Regis.
285
00:14:27,418 --> 00:14:29,113
Well, then you go.
286
00:14:29,186 --> 00:14:31,450
- I can't go without you.
- Then you're not going.
287
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:34,457
- You're being impossible.
- Yes, because that's how I was raised.
288
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:37,460
And you turned out fine.
I love you, don't I?
289
00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,962
Sure, but look
how screwed up you are.
290
00:14:40,031 --> 00:14:42,864
So? That's how it works. You don't think
we're gonna mess up our kids?
291
00:14:42,934 --> 00:14:45,061
- I hope not.
- Oh, come on.
292
00:14:45,136 --> 00:14:47,730
- I think I'm gonna be a model father.
- He wants you there.
293
00:14:47,805 --> 00:14:50,569
Well, you know what?
I'll watch it on TV.
294
00:14:50,641 --> 00:14:52,905
This is why people spit on you.
295
00:14:57,281 --> 00:15:00,375
Okay, Regis and Joy will finish
with the trivia question...
296
00:15:00,451 --> 00:15:03,511
we'll go to commercial,
and then you're on.
297
00:15:03,587 --> 00:15:06,215
- Hi.
- Oh, hiya, sweetheart.
298
00:15:06,290 --> 00:15:09,259
- Ooh! Don't smear my makeup.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
299
00:15:09,327 --> 00:15:11,352
- So, are you nervous?
- About what?
300
00:15:11,429 --> 00:15:15,263
I gave three eulogies last year alone.
I know how to work a crowd.
301
00:15:16,334 --> 00:15:18,063
- Paul with you?
- No.
302
00:15:18,135 --> 00:15:20,296
- Where is he?
- Home.
303
00:15:20,371 --> 00:15:23,499
He really wanted to be here,
but our tub cracked...
304
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:26,839
and we're out of grout
and water is seeping...
305
00:15:26,911 --> 00:15:29,937
and our downstairs neighbors have carpet
and children are running...
306
00:15:30,014 --> 00:15:33,848
- That's what you came up with?
- I'm sorry. It's been a long week.
307
00:15:33,918 --> 00:15:36,148
Stop protecting him.
He'll be here.
308
00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:39,280
- I don't think so.
- Trust me. I know him longer than you.
309
00:15:39,357 --> 00:15:41,689
- Here you go. No charge.
- What is this?
310
00:15:41,759 --> 00:15:43,693
This is the Burt shirt.
311
00:15:43,761 --> 00:15:45,729
I'm gonna make a fortune.
312
00:15:46,664 --> 00:15:48,689
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
313
00:15:48,766 --> 00:15:50,996
Well, I figured...
What is this with the shirt?
314
00:15:51,068 --> 00:15:54,128
- Show him the back.
- Honey, get back in the chair.
315
00:15:58,376 --> 00:16:01,209
So, fine, I'll cut you in.
316
00:16:01,278 --> 00:16:04,213
Every day that this thing goes on,
Paulie, we make money.
317
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:08,981
Hey, Pop, you look good.
318
00:16:09,053 --> 00:16:10,987
Did you get the grout?
319
00:16:11,055 --> 00:16:14,320
- The grout?
- It was the best I could come up with.
320
00:16:14,392 --> 00:16:16,553
It's okay.
I told her you'd show.
321
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,959
Well, I wasn't so sure.
322
00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:20,759
- I was.
- Yeah? Why?
323
00:16:20,831 --> 00:16:23,698
- Because you're a good boy!
- Come on, come on, Dad.
324
00:16:23,768 --> 00:16:27,795
Oh, Marshall, I want to introduce you
to my son and his wifeJamie.
325
00:16:27,872 --> 00:16:29,806
- How are you?
- Good to meet you.
326
00:16:29,874 --> 00:16:33,935
Why don't you two come on the show,
let the world hear your side?
327
00:16:34,011 --> 00:16:35,535
He'd love it!
328
00:16:35,613 --> 00:16:37,080
Thanks, kid.
329
00:16:37,148 --> 00:16:39,173
- Excuse me. Pop...
- Honey, we're gonna be on TV.
330
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:41,684
Isn't this cool?
We're gonna be on TV.
331
00:16:41,752 --> 00:16:43,652
No, we're not.
332
00:16:43,721 --> 00:16:45,154
What are you talking?
333
00:16:45,222 --> 00:16:48,521
What did you tell him yes for?
You know exactly how I feel?
334
00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:51,026
- This isn't the place.
- What would be the place?
335
00:16:51,095 --> 00:16:53,996
The Royalle Theater?
The front page of the Post?
336
00:16:54,065 --> 00:16:58,900
- Are you harping on that again?
- You know why? You embarrassed me, Dad.
337
00:16:58,969 --> 00:17:01,836
- What, you never embarrassed me?
- When did I ever embarrass you?
338
00:17:01,906 --> 00:17:04,739
- How about you in Little League?
- Okay, how about that?
339
00:17:04,809 --> 00:17:08,142
Do you know what it's like to be a
father and your son is on first base...
340
00:17:08,212 --> 00:17:11,147
a ball gets past the catcher
and everyone is saying...
341
00:17:11,215 --> 00:17:12,705
"Go to second"...
342
00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:14,808
and you were standing there
going...
343
00:17:14,885 --> 00:17:17,820
"I'm uncomfortable
with second base.
344
00:17:17,888 --> 00:17:20,448
I think I'll stay here.
I'm quite content on first."
345
00:17:21,425 --> 00:17:26,260
Well, that's still no reason for you and
Mom to walk me to second base like that.
346
00:17:26,330 --> 00:17:27,820
It was embarrassing.
347
00:17:27,898 --> 00:17:30,389
You made a spectacle of yourself,
you made a spectacle of me...
348
00:17:30,468 --> 00:17:32,402
and, frankly,
it was bad for baseball.
349
00:17:34,572 --> 00:17:39,236
You're like this big locomotive,
and you just keep rolling over me.
350
00:17:39,310 --> 00:17:40,743
And I don't like it.
351
00:17:40,811 --> 00:17:44,269
No matter what you think I think,
I'm telling you I don't like it.
352
00:17:47,118 --> 00:17:48,881
Come on!
353
00:17:48,953 --> 00:17:50,386
Burt, you're on.
354
00:17:50,454 --> 00:17:52,888
- Are you okay?
- He's okay. He's just nervous.
355
00:17:52,957 --> 00:17:55,687
He hasn't been on TV before.
356
00:17:55,759 --> 00:17:59,923
All right, everybody, here he is.Here's the father, Burt Buchman!
357
00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:01,931
Hello, New York!
358
00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:04,297
Hello, Burt!
359
00:18:04,368 --> 00:18:06,768
- Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm fine.
360
00:18:06,837 --> 00:18:08,771
- How do I look?
- Great. Why?
361
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:12,639
- 'Cause we're gonna be on TV.
- Did you not witness this conversation?
362
00:18:12,710 --> 00:18:14,143
He's still your father.
363
00:18:14,211 --> 00:18:17,544
How is he gonna feel if they announce us
and his own son doesn't go out there?
364
00:18:17,615 --> 00:18:19,549
- You guys ready? It's time.
- Yes.
365
00:18:19,617 --> 00:18:22,552
- So now you're answering for me too?
- You gotta get out there.
366
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,884
- Here, wear this.
- I'm not wearing the shirt!
367
00:18:24,955 --> 00:18:28,220
- And I'm not going out there!
- You're gonna leave your father hanging?
368
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:30,692
He doesn't need me.
He's got Regis.
369
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,229
- This is insane!
- I'm not going out there.
370
00:18:33,297 --> 00:18:35,993
- I'm not going, okay?
- Fine. Come on.
371
00:18:38,402 --> 00:18:41,838
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,Mr. And Mrs. Paul Buchman.
372
00:18:44,909 --> 00:18:47,503
Hey, wait a minute.
Give them a chance.
373
00:18:47,578 --> 00:18:49,773
- Hi, Jamie. Paul.
- WHat's happening?
374
00:18:49,847 --> 00:18:51,576
Come on in.
Have a seat.
375
00:18:51,649 --> 00:18:53,583
Burt tells me
you're pretty much newlyweds.
376
00:18:53,651 --> 00:18:55,778
- We're very new.
- How did you meet?
377
00:18:55,853 --> 00:18:58,253
- Well, I was...
- She picked me up in a bar.
378
00:18:58,322 --> 00:19:00,256
- Is that so?
- Well, I was working in...
379
00:19:00,324 --> 00:19:03,191
Next morning we exchanged names.
That was it.
380
00:19:03,260 --> 00:19:05,956
Sometimes you just know, Regis.
You know?
381
00:19:06,030 --> 00:19:09,659
Oh, regis, I'm sorry, I hate to
interrupt you, but before we go on...
382
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,827
I have to say,
this man is not my son.
383
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:17,336
No, no, really, it's true.
384
00:19:17,408 --> 00:19:19,103
This isn't my husband.
385
00:19:20,311 --> 00:19:23,542
All right, listen,
we're civilized people here.
386
00:19:23,614 --> 00:19:27,516
We could settle this whole thing
if Paul would just apologize.
387
00:19:27,585 --> 00:19:28,950
Grow up, pal!
388
00:19:29,019 --> 00:19:32,182
Excuse me, Regis.
I think you're a little out of line.
389
00:19:32,256 --> 00:19:35,191
- I'm allowed to. This is my show.
- Well, tough.
390
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,193
It's not all Paul's fault.
391
00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:38,694
Thank you, sweet meat.
392
00:19:40,164 --> 00:19:41,654
Excuse me, Regis.
393
00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:45,560
Listen, gang, let's focus.
394
00:19:45,636 --> 00:19:47,797
All right, all right, fine.
395
00:19:47,871 --> 00:19:51,637
Look, Paul, I don't know what I did
to be sorry about...
396
00:19:51,709 --> 00:19:54,769
but if I did something
to be sorry about, I'm sorry.
397
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:57,370
And stop spitting on him.
Please.
398
00:19:59,450 --> 00:20:02,214
Hey, hey! Cousin Ira!
399
00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:05,744
Regis, Joy, I would like you
to meet my cousin Ira.
400
00:20:05,823 --> 00:20:07,916
What is this, a family reunion?
401
00:20:07,992 --> 00:20:09,823
I'm losing control here.
402
00:20:12,229 --> 00:20:14,493
- I always thought this was bigger.
- Bigger than what?
403
00:20:14,565 --> 00:20:17,591
- It looks bigger on TV.
- It's a set. It always looks bigger.
404
00:20:17,668 --> 00:20:20,933
- Gang, we're on TV now.
- Right. Sorry.
405
00:20:21,005 --> 00:20:24,566
So, Ira, are you close
to your Uncle Burt?
406
00:20:24,642 --> 00:20:26,735
Yes, Uncle Burt
is like a father to me.
407
00:20:27,378 --> 00:20:30,609
Ira, have you ever
been embarrassed by your dad?
408
00:20:32,483 --> 00:20:35,748
Yes.
You could say yes to that.
409
00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:39,016
I'm sure I've embarrassed him myself.
That's how families are, you know.
410
00:20:39,089 --> 00:20:40,522
You embarrass each other.
411
00:20:40,591 --> 00:20:44,823
I'm sure someday I'll have a son
and probably embarrass him too.
412
00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:48,023
You're gonna have a beautiful son.
413
00:20:48,098 --> 00:20:49,759
Yeah, right.
414
00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:51,892
Burt, could we have
a little order here?
415
00:20:51,969 --> 00:20:53,994
Burt, you're blocking Regis.
416
00:20:54,071 --> 00:20:56,471
Yes, Burt,
you're blocking Regis.
417
00:20:56,540 --> 00:20:58,269
Well, this is great.
418
00:20:58,342 --> 00:21:00,503
Obviously you're very close
to your nephew.
419
00:21:00,577 --> 00:21:03,842
Too bad you can't have the same
kind of relationship with your son.
420
00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:05,848
My relationship with my son
is fine.
421
00:21:05,916 --> 00:21:08,180
He's just gotta stop
trying to run my life, that's all.
422
00:21:08,252 --> 00:21:11,312
I'm 70 years old. I'm not gonna change.
This is me. Take it or leave it.
423
00:21:13,824 --> 00:21:15,257
You got that?
424
00:21:17,761 --> 00:21:20,286
Tell you what.
425
00:21:20,364 --> 00:21:21,763
He will try.
426
00:21:24,501 --> 00:21:26,435
Good for you.
427
00:21:36,146 --> 00:21:38,080
We're a very close family.
428
00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,549
Moby
429
00:21:50,627 --> 00:21:53,562
Moby
430
00:21:54,765 --> 00:21:57,233
Moby
431
00:21:58,302 --> 00:22:01,829
Moby
432
00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:05,898
That big white fish
433
00:22:05,976 --> 00:22:09,173
Moby
434
00:22:09,246 --> 00:22:12,579
And his girl
435
00:22:12,649 --> 00:22:14,583
Thar she blows!
436
00:22:14,651 --> 00:22:16,585
- Where?
- Yonder!
437
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:21,185
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