All language subtitles for Mad About You s01e02 Sofas Choice.eng

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What's wrong with this picture?

What?

- You're on my side of the bed.
- I know. I thought we'd switch.

- Why?
- Just for a change.

Why would you do that?

I mean, where does that come from?
Did you read something?

No.
Just my idea.

- I don't know about this.
- Just try it. Live on the edge.

You're way too madcap for me.

It's safe.
I've slept there.

Are you okay?

Still assessing.

Good night.

How's the sun?

Excuse me?

In the morning.

Does it just hit you on the face
lightly and wake you gently...

or is it more like a sudden,
shocking burst ofday?

It's just like here, only there.

Well, I'm just asking.
You know.

"Be prepared"--
That's my motto.

Do you have a motto yourself?

"Never marry anyone more neurotic
than yourself." Go to sleep.

"Go to sleep."
I'd be halfway to dreamland...

if you didn't throw me this curve.

What am I supposed to think?
You make a big decision like this...

you don't even consult me.

I'm a person. I've got needs.
I have a certain way I like to--

You just throw this at me, and--

- The whole thing makes me uneasy.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

There's a right way,
there's a wrong way.

- You happy now?
- This is not my pillow.

Oh, come on.

Tell me why

I love you like I do

Tell me who

Can start my heart as much as you

Let's take each other's hand

As we jump into
the final frontier

I'm mad about you, baby

Yeah

I'm mad about you

Oh, this is pleasant.

"The bullet-ridden body
was identified by police...

as 31-year-old Eric Gottleib...

who was found Thursday morning
in the shower of his apartment.

Who's Gottleib?

"Who's Gottleib"? That's your question?
"Who's Gottleib"?

Am I supposed to know the name?
'Cause I don't.

You're not supposed to know the name.
I'm just saying it's unbelievable.

A guy shot is his apartment.

What are you, new in town?

I understand, but this is
a couple of blocks from us.

- Are you gonna help me?
- Yeah.

You know what?
Maybe I should get a gun.

That's what this city needs:
you with a gun.

I could learn how to use it.
They teach you.

- Don't you want me to protect you?
- No, I want you to help me.

What? What?

How can I help you,
sweet woman that I love?

Hold this.

For a long time?

For one second.

Could you give me a clue
what we're doing?

It's a template for the couch I saw.
This way we can see if it'll fit.

- Here. Hold this.
- I thought you measured already.

I did, but it doesn't look right.

Hey. Take it easy.

A friend of my cousin was blinded
by one ofthese things.

Seriously. The guy let go too fast,
it snapped up, took his eye right out.

That's right. Slow and nice.
Nobody gets hurt.

- Could you lie on it?
- I'm not gonna lie on it.

J ust lie on it.

How does it feel?

It feels hard.

- Lengthwise.
- Lengthwise, it's good.

Okay, sit up.

That's us.

It's 60 inches, but I don't know if
that's total width or between the arms.

- Total width.
- Really?

No idea.

Come to the store and look at the couch.

- You're good.
- What?

I agree to lie on cardboard, and you
hook that into a shopping thing.

It's not a shopping thing.
It'll take 1 5 minutes.

- Hello.
- A half-hour at the most.

- So you figure two hours?
- I promise.

Come here, sweetheart.
Let me explain something to you.

You should jot this down,
'cause this is really important.

Everything in the world
takes four hours.

You got to go there,
you got to do whatever--

eat, talk about where you should
have eaten, and then come home.

That's four hours, minimum.

We could have been there
and back by now.

And besides, it's Saturday,
and I've got better things to do.

Like what?

Like-- Like--
Why do I have to go?

Because. Because it's a decision
we should make together.

But I don't--
You bought the toaster without me.

I'm still hearing about
the faulty crumb tray.

It happens to be a hazard.

Oh, yeah.
You should get a gun.

I am unhappy already.

- You've been here three minutes.
- That's how long it takes.

- Ah, God.
- Now what?

I think that lady with the cologne
sample sprayed me in the eye.

- You asked for it.
- I did not.

She asked you ifyou wanted to try it,
and you said yes.

- What was I supposed to say?
- How about no?

If I could say no,
would I be here right now?

Come on.
It's not that bad.

Smell my eye.

This is the best cookie
I ever had in my life.

For $1 1 , you would think so.

- Where is this guy?
- All right, I'll go get him. Here.

- That's yours.
- I can't.

What are you giving it to me for?
J ust throw it out.

- I'm not gonna throw it out.
- I won't walk around with a cookie.

I don't have pockets,
and I won't put it in my purse.

I'm sorry. I was in the back.
Well, I see you finally...

dragged him in here.

- Phillip, this is my husband, Paul.
- Hi.

Musk!

I believe you were thinking about...

the tea-dipped I rish linen.

Take this.

- Those are so good!
- Here.

- Really?
- Please.

Thankyou.

- So do we love it?
- We love it. Let's buy it and go.

Would you come over here
and sit on it with me, please?

I'm gonna just sit.

- God, I don't know.
- What don't you know?

I don't know if it's us. I'm imagining
what it'll look like in our apartment.

Do you have one with dog hair
already on it?

Maybe a couple ofthose hair things
with the gold balls?

Ponytail holders?
I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.

They can't do that.
I asked him. They won't do it.

I'm kidding. We'll take it.
Wrap it up, put it in a bag.

I'm not sure.
I'm sorry. I'm not sure.

You're unbelievable, you know that?
You make these big decisions at work...

deal with million-dollar corporations,
and you are stymied by this couch.

Because we're going to have it
for a long time.

Hey, you're gonna have me for a long
time, and that decision took 30 seconds.

Boy, did I learn my lesson.

Meanwhile, we're in
week three ofthis thing...

and by the time we get it,
it's gonna be an antique.

do you think we should get an antique?
Because that's another way to go.

Rip out my tongue.

Look, everything we have is either
from my life oryour life.

This is the first thing
that will be from our life.

Honey, you're putting a lot of pressure
on this purchase.

Because ifwe get the wrong couch,
it'll be like we failed.

Every time we walk in the door,.
there it'll be, mocking us.

Remind me later
to give you a smack, huh?

- Tell me I'm wrong.
- You're very wrong.J ust get the couch.

I'm gonna wait
and ask Fran what she thinks.

Fran's coming here?

It's Saturday.
She might.

This whole day is like
a covert operation with you.

- I just want to be sure.
- I'm sure enough for both of us.

Let's get the couch
and continue our lives.

You're right. You're right.
We'll take it.

Wonderful. As far as I'm concerned,
it's the best love seat in the store.

- The best what?
- The best love seat. By far.

- This is not a couch?
- No. It's a love seat.

And the difference there
would be what?

Nothing, really.
Size, I suppose.

- It's like a small couch.
- Precisely.

But it's not a couch.

- It's a love seat.
- That is correct.

Honey, it's the same thing.

You would think that,
but Phillip is telling me different.

It is a love seat. A divan.

- Some people call it a settee.
- You see?

So the one thing you can't
call it is a couch.

It's a love seat.
It really is.

Excuse me forjust a moment.

- You're kidding me, right?
- What?

You care what it's called?

No, I don't care what it's called.

As a couch, I liked it,
and as a love seat, not so much.

Okay.

Can I ask why?

First ofall, it's just
a stupid term. It's just stupid.

And second ofall,
I don't need the responsibility.

-Responsibility?
-Yeah, because you can relax on a couch.

On a love seat, I feel
like I have to be necking.

You know what I mean? What ifyou're
not home? I can't sit on this alone?

- I can'tjust read a book?
- You can sit with a book.

Ofcourse I can, but in my head
I'm gonna know it's wrong.

I never should have brought you.
This is my punishment.

I'll tell you what would make me nuts:
Ifsomeone was over, and I said, "Hey...

throw yourjacket on the couch,"
and they said, "What couch?

Oh, you mean the love seat?"
That would kill me.

- It would just kill me.
- That's not gonna happen!

- It only has to happen once.
- Honey, I'm begging.

- Now my afternoon's complete.
- Did you get it?

- We're not sure.
- It's gorgeous.

- Really?
- Yes.

Hey, I like it.
It's like a love seat.

- Ooh, this is cute.
- Who do they make these for?

What are they thinking? Ifyou're not
a pencil, they don't want you to live.

This would look good on you.

Yeah, it would fit great
if I could take my ass off.

I hope Paul's okay. I told him
1 5 minutes. He hates department stores.

- Really?
- Doesn't Mark?

Who asks?

You know, Mark,
this is time you never get back.

There are only X amount
ofSaturdays left...

and I'm spending this one
sitting on a love seat...

holding a pocketbook.

You got an emery board in there?

- I'm gonna punch you in the head.
- I got this piece of nail--

Bite it off!. Be a man!

- Mark did that?
- Yep.

It wasn't even our regular night.

- You're kidding.
- I swear to God.

How did you get him to do that?

I bought it...

and I said, "Wear it."

- And?
- He wore it.

So what they do is
they toast the sandwich...

so it has this nice burnt taste.

- Crispy?
- Very crispy.

I don't know whyyou torture me,
'cause you know we're gonna die in here.

I'm telling you,
the flavor explodes in your mouth.

It's like ambrosia,
but with cheese.

I wonder if Phillip
finished that cookie.

- That hurt. You see that?
- What's that?

Those girls.
They're virtually naked.

Oh, yeah.

But I'm a gynecologist. You know
how many naked women I see in a day?

But Mark, this isn't work.
This is life.

Two beautiful women walk by and leave a
wake of perfume, you're allowed to look.

Oh, believe me, I look.
Oh, sure. All the time.

But never in the office.

Because once that white coat comes on,
the libido goes off.

Wow. You can do that?

I have to. It's myjob.

I'm a doctor.

You're telling me
that you wouldn't want to have...

a gorgeous young model as a patient
instead of--

Oh, no.

From where I sit...

there's no difference.

Come on.
Let's look at some slacks.

- "Slacks." Who says "slacks"?
- Slacks. Trousers.

Forget it. Trying on clothes
is my least favorite thing to do...

especially slacks,
because you've got the whole shoe thing.

- You know what you should do.
- You're gonna give me a loafer lecture.

You get a pair of loafers,
you kick 'em off, you slip 'em on.

I like laces. You can tighten
and loosen. You have control.

It was so passionate. I just wanted
to lie there quietly and enjoy it.

He wouldn't stop talking.

Paul's a chatterbox.

I was actually praying he would
roll over and go to sleep.

You don't know how luckyyou are.

By the time I'm finished,
Mark's in the kitchen making a sandwich.

I wear these.

- Did I really need to know this?
- Fran loves them.

These are for men who live in Crete.

Could I askyou something?
Would you mind trying this sweater on?

It's for my son,
and you seem to be the right size.

You know, ordinarily, I would.
I really would.

It's just that I am sadly
allergic to alpaca.

- I'll try it on forya.
- Nah. You're too round-shouldered.

- I'm round-shouldered?
- I didn't want to say.

But this one here, you're
a skinny-merink, just like my Barry.

Come on.

- Hold my purse.
- Sure.

- This'll only take a second.
- It'll be four hours, but why not?

Don't be a smart-mouth.

So where is Barry today?

Who knows?
We don't speak.

Oh, my. You don't have
much ofa behind.

Sorry about that.

I like it.
Cranberry's very good on you.

Do me a favor. Go slam your head
in that mirror, please.

Don't slouch. Stand up straight.

- You want to look like your friend?
- No.

I think it would look good on Barry.

But on you, it looks-- eh.

It's not that he gets lazy.

'Cause actually Mark is as aggressive
as he was before we got married.

- That's great.
- You would think.

Oh! My pores are out ofcontrol.

I don't know. It's this light.
I lookjaundiced.

You know,
the store does this on purpose.

They make us look
as ugly as possible...

so we'll buy more stuff
to cover it up.

- Clothes, makeup--
- Absolutely right. A conspiracy.

I love it!

See?

What happened here?

This light fell down and almost
hit my friend in the head.

I was this close to a concussion.

Oh. I am so sorry
That's never happened.

Can we get you girls something?

Yeah. Two cappuccinos
would be great.

And a couple ofthose big cookies.

Was I right or was I right?
Have you ever felt a lighter weave?

Never.
Hey, hey, hey!

Some ofthat's not pants.

Here. Try these on.
They're like butter.

- I told you, no tassels.
- Paul, tassels are in. Get hip.

You know,
whenJamie first met you...

she was repulsed
by the wayyou dressed.

- She told you that?
- Yeah.

I remember, I was examining her,
and she was telling me...

about this great guy that she'd met
named Paul who dressed...

like a manic-depressive
psych professor.

You know, Mark, you used the word there,
you got me a little stuck.

- You examined her?
- Yeah.

Before I moved my practice uptown,
Jamie was a patient.

- I never knew that.
- Yeah.

Fran referred her to me
back whenJamie was working for her.

So when you sayyou examined her...

she came in for a verbal consultation,
something like that?

No, no, no.
It was an examination.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

She was in the stirrups
when she told me about you.

- I n the stirrups?
- Yeah.

- My wife?
- Please, Paul, I'm a doctor.

While I'm going out with her,
you examined--

Yeah, once every six months.

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

Oh, God. Oh, boy. Oh, my.

You're hyperventilating.
Here, here. Aw, geez.

Paul, just breathe.

Fran! Fran!

- How are we doing?
- What happened?

You hyperventilated
till you blacked out.

- I did?
- You did.

-Do people know why?
-I told them it was the delivery charge.

Did I buy these shoes?

And the pants.

- I can never have sex with you again.
- Stop it.

The whole image
ofyou and Mark cavorting.

You ever try cavorting in stirrups?

Do you have to say "stirrups"?
Must I visualize?

- Sorry.
- I'm gonna have to have him killed.

- That's happening as we speak.
- What did I do?

What did I do?
I did nothing!

Why would you tell him that.
You know Paul.

He's riddled with anxiety.

You just don't go telling him
something like that...

in the middle
ofa department store.

It was years ago. I gave her
a pap smear. It's not like I enjoyed it.

Mark David Devanow,
you're being dumb, dumb, dumb.

What should I do, huh?
What should I do?

How can I improve
unless you tell me what to do?

You're gonna give Paul
a big, fat apology.

And return these slacks.
They're hideous.

I'm trying on slacks with the man...

and he drops this bombshell on me...

so now I'm supposed to
socialize with these people?

Would you feel better
if it was you instead of me?

- What do you mean?
- Go show Fran your penis.

Get away.

What? We'll be even.
You'll feel better.

- Stop it.
- Do it.

I don't want to show Fran
my penis.

I don't want to show Stan my Zenith.

I'm not gonna.

This is why I don't want to come here--
Bad things happen to me in department stores.

Oh, my God, you've suffered so.

I have. Don't make fun.
Especially today.

All right, all right.
I owe you one.

Not one, four.

Two.

Three.

One: I ain't going to
your Aunt Carol's birthday luau.

Two: I am going to theJet game
Sunday with Selby.

And three I'm gonna keep in reserve.

For what?

For whatever I want
whenever I want it.

You know I'll never approve that.

Why can't you do these things
without me?

You know what you want.
You don't listen to me anyway.

Why do you need me here?

Because I like to be with you.

Okay.

I'll take you to theJet game...

but I'm still not going
to the luau.

Fine. More poi for me.

Come on. We're going to
the Lower East Side to look at linen.

-You'll need pillows for this love seat.
-Couch.

Paul likes to call it a couch.

It doesn't matter.
We're not buying it.

Once you get the right pillows,
you can get the couch to match.

You three go and have fun.

No, Paul, no.
We'll go shopping.

No slacks, okay?
And then afterwards...

we'll go for a nice, leisurely dinner,
and we'll talk things out, okay?

Mark, I'm fine.
I really am.

Please come with us.

- Okay, I'll go.
- Great.

And dinner's on me.
And Paul, did I mention...

there's always a nurse present
whenever a patient is in the stirrups.

Mark!

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