Original subtitles

Daddy.

Yeah?

Why are you jogging?

Because I gotta lose 40 pounds.

40 pounds? Yeah.

Why?

Well, if I want to get this show, I need to--

I gotta change.

They want a skinnier person.

Daddy, but you're not skinnier.

Daddy, you're fat, Daddy.

Jane...

It's all right, it's true, I'm a big guy.

You're not a big guy, you're fat.

All right, I got it.

Daddy. Yeah?

If they want a skinny person,

why don't they just get someone skinny?

Why do you have to change?

Daddy, I don't want you to change.

It's not really about skinny or fat, it's just--

You know, if you want to get a big thing in life, you--

you gotta make a big effort, you gotta try hard,

you gotta do things you're not used to doing.

I mean, also I gotta get in shape because this job--

If I get this job, this is gonna be hard.

This is gonna be the hardest thing I ever did.

I'm gonna be doing five shows a week every week.

Getting up early in the morning,

every single Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

doing shows, rehearsing and writing.

It's gonna be a grind.

But when will you see us?

I'll see you on weekends.

You know, girls, I may not get this job.

Yeah, but you want this job, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, all right.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

All right.

No!

So you want to take over for Letterman?

You want to host "Late Show" on CBS?

Yeah, that's...

Here's the thing with that, champ.

That's short for "champion."

If you want to be a talk show host,

it's better if you're funny.

Now, there have been some guys who were not funny.

Tom Snyder.

David Susskind.

Ted Koppel.

But funny is better.

Now, have you ever had any experience with being funny?

Yeah, I'm a... I'm a comedian.

You're a comedian?

I've known you for a week and you haven't made me laugh once.

I had no idea you were a comedian.

I thought you were a newsman.

No, I'm not a newsman, I'm a-- I'm a comedian.

Jesus.

Well, all right, let's see it.

See what?

See the funny, make me laugh.

Go.

Go?

Go... funny.

Three, two, one... and go!

I'm not that kind of funny.

What kind of funny?

The kind where you jut say "go" and I'm funny.

All right, I think you'd better leave my office.

Jack-- Mr. Dahl, I--

Look, there's different kinds of funny, right?

There's different kinds of performers.

I'm not that kind of performer.

Let me tell me what kind of what you are.

You're whatever you have to be to make people laugh.

Anytime, anywhere, anyone.

You turn it on a dime.

You get that belly moving, son, or you're out.

Now tell the truth.

You're just scared, like a rookie.

You're like some kid at a talent show

with a number pinned to your shirt.

You got nothing or you would have shown me now.

So get out.

Thank you, have a nice day.

Fine.

Look, I-- I-- I can't give up on this.

I don't, uh...

This is either a door or a wall for me

and it's either the beginning or the end.

I don't-- Please.

Okay then... let's see the funny.

Three, two, one, go!

Funny!

This is it, bud.

You want me to start at one and go up?

One, two, three, funny.

Okay, last chance and then we're really done.

Done and done.

Let's go, kid, you want the big gig?

Let's see it.

Make me laugh at the count of three.

One...

Two...

You know what your problem is?

You're--

You're just a pencil...

penis...

parade.

Ooh, I'm--

Nyah!

You just bought yourself another week.

Go home and get some rest.

Please leave this room.

Sit down.

No, genius, sit in the host's chair, for crying in a cup.

Okay, interviews.

We-- What?

Conduct an interview!

There's nobody here.

Well, go get someone.

What?

Just a sec.

Jesus Christ.

This is Elaine.

She cleans here.

Have a seat, Elaine.

Please.

Okay.

Interviews.

Hello.

"Hello"?

You just introduced her!

You played a song, you kissed her, she sat down!

"Hello..." what is that?

Uh... how are you?

How is she?

Find out, ask a question.

I can't-- Ask!

If you would stop yelling at me, maybe I'd do it right.

If you did it right, I wouldn't have to yell at you.

Interview.

Go!

Tell me about your parents.

Oh, well, my mother was actually dancer.

Really?

What kind of dancer was she?

She was in the ballet.

Really?

Did she dance around the house a lot?

I don't know.

I don't remember much.

She died when I was eight.

Oh, this is terrific, just wonderful.

Tune in every night, folks!

It's the crying cleaning lady show.

Okay.

Good evening, okay, hi!

Shit.

Good evening.

Asshole!

Shit, cock.

Dick, dick, ass, shit.

Tits.

Okay.

Okay...

Funny in three, two--

Hey. Daddy.

What's up, everybody?

They insisted I bring them over here.

They just wanted to wish you luck for your big day tomorrow.

Thanks.

Daddy, we made you a card.

Daddy, we just wanted to wish you luck for tomorrow.

We know you can do it.

Hey, Jack.

Here you go, buster, I had this made for you.

It's beautiful, Jack... thank you.

Well, I did my part.

This will be the last time we see each other.

If you get the show, they'll bring in some young producer.

If you don't, well then, that'll be that.

In any case, I told you what I know

and the rest is up to you.

It's just...

if you can do it.

That's it.

Listen.

You're a good guy.

I'm not gonna say I think you can do it

'cause I really have no idea,

but I hope you do.

And now I'm gonna tell you what I know to be

the three rules of show business.

Number one, look 'em in the eye and speak from the heart.

Number two, you gotta go away to come back.

And number three, if someone asks you to keep a secret,

their secret is a lie.

You got that?

Yeah.

Uh, thank-- thank you, Jack.

Thanks for everything, really.

Good luck.

How you doing?

Jerry, hi... How are you?

Good, good.

You nervous?

Uh, no, you know.

Ahh, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.

I--

I didn't know that they-- that you knew I was--

Look, Louie, there's something you need to know.

Okay.

They're giving me "Late Show."

I signed the contract this morning.

It's a done deal.

They're printing the t-shirts.

I heard they weren't telling you

and they were still making you do this

and it just seemed unfair.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, congrats.

Thank you, thank you.

I mean, I want you to come on the show anytime you want.

Thanks.

That's it.

Um, thanks for--

Okay, Louie.

You will be fine.

Thanks, man. I will see you soon.

Hey, um, nobody knows about this yet,

so if you wouldn't mind, do me a favor.

Keep it a secret.

Sure. Thank you.

Thank you.

"If somebody asks you to keep a secret..."

"That secret is a lie."

It's a lie.

Goddammit.

Welcome to the "Late Show."

Let's get right to it.

Here's your host, Louis C.K.!

Thank you very much.

Obama said the economy will improve in the next four years.

He also said he promises to kill bin Laden

a couple more times.

You know, jokes-- It's a really unique thing

to be reading jokes off cards,

'cause you just see your death in front of you.

You can see-

Uh, Polly want to not get eaten by a dog?

All right.

I don't know.

I'm not saying nothing about that... just--

Well, the first time I ever saw you,

I guess I was about 11 years old

and I saw "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

You were in that movie a lot.

I was, yeah.

And you were in your underwear for part of it.

Yeah.

And I had never seen a lady in her underwear

in a movie before.

Was it scarring?

No, what it was --

What it did was, I went home...

... to my friend's house.

Oh, boy. And I--

Yeah, and I had myself a little time by myself.

And I had never done that before.

So you--

That was the first time?

Yeah, that's true, you're the first person who I ever--

Oh my God, that's the sweetest story I ever heard.

That's so sweet... Thank you.

Yeah, thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

Jack is my son and Darby is my daughter.

Darby? Yeah.

What is that all about?

Um, well, yeah.

What'd you go and do that for?

I know.

My wife said, "I want to name my daughter 'Darby.'"

And she said, "I loved the name ever since I saw

"'The Pelican Brief' with Julia Roberts."

Are you serious? I swear to God.

What I wished was the truth,

and I don't think it is,

is that there's no one named Darby in that movie.

And that you just--

Jackie, I'm watching the feed.

Good work.

It's exactly what we need.

Perfect.

I got an option.

Here's to the new king of late night.

Oh, thank you.

Former king of his own mother's.

I gotta say, you stepped up.

Great job. Thanks, man.

I don't know if it--

You know, it's not official, but I feel pretty good.

I mean...

Doug.

Hey, turn up that TV, that's about my buddy.

- Hold on a second. - Shut up, everybody.

Official word just coming in from CBS that David Letterman

has signed on for another ten years.

His contract negotiations went to the last minute we hear,

but it is official.

David Letterman will remain as the host of "The Late Show."

They used you to get his price down

from 60 to 40 million.

They used you.

There's one other thing.

The Letterman people called.

They said...

You're dead.

Letterman said you'll never be on the show.

Never.

Okay.

Lou... look at it this way.

You took $20 million out of that asshole's pocket.

That's how good you were.

Thanks, man.

I'm sorry. Bad deal, man.

I'm sorry.

It's official, you suck, man.

He does, too.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not.

I did it!

I did it!

I did it!

Hey, Letterman!

Hey, Letterman, I did it!

Yo, Letterman!

Letterman!

Fuck you!

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