Original subtitles

It's very different raising children in America.

We get to make all these weird decisions about

what do we expose our kids to when.

Other countries, they don't have a choice.

Like, some parents at my kids' school were talking about war

and they're, like, "When do we tell our kid--

"Do we tell our children that our country is at war

"in Afghanistan and these places?

When do we introduce this i--"

Only in America, we have this luxury,

we get to decide when they find out

that there is--

Kids in Afghanistan don't have-- just--

They find out.

They find out.

They find out when they ask,

"How come Uncle Henry's head is gone now?

"How come that happened?

Oh, 'cause of the war."

Life can be stressful here, though,

'cause life is good and so we want it to be better

and we get-- we try to perfect everything in our lives

and it's like a job.

Being a consumer is like a job.

You have to make sure you get the best one.

If you get a Blu-ray player, you gotta do research.

You gotta look at reviews of a player.

You gotta go on Amazon and read a really long review

written by an insane person

who's been dead for months...

...because he shot his wife

and then himself

after explaining to you

that the remote is counterintuitive.

"It's got really small buttons on the remote,"

he said...

before he murder-suicided his whole family.

And now you're reading it and going,

"I don't know.

"I don't know which one to get, I don't know.

I gotta get the best one."

that you should get the best one ever?

"I'm-- Bring me the best DV..."

Who cares?

They're all the same, these machines.

They're all made from the same Asian suffering.

There's no difference.

That was a good set.

I guess, I don't...

...a round of applause...

Hey, Ross. Hey, how's it going, guys?

Hey.

This is my agent, Doug. Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Louie, great job.

Thank you. It was great.

The order is terrific.

I mean, the closing bit,

Jay's gonna love tomorrow night on the ow.

Oh, good. It was just terrific.

I'm sorry-- Louie, great set, great set. Hey, Bud, how are you?

Thank you very much, thank you.

Um, but the great thing is, also, it timed in at

four minutes and 30 seconds, which is the perfect

amount of--perfect amount of time. Good.

I mean, with the audience reaction and everything else,

it's just, for our studio,

it's gonna be the time that we're looking for. That's great.

Good, good, good. So...

Is Louie gonna interview on panel?

Tomorrow night, Tom Cruise is the other guest

and Tom loves to go long, tells great stories

and Jay's surprising him tomorrow with a motorcycle.

I'm gonna get bumped, right?

You're not gonna get bumped, Louie.

You're not going to get bumped.

Sounds like I'm-- Nah.

You know what, I'll-- I'll see you tomorrow night.

But thank you.

Thanks, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, thanks, Ross, thanks for coming. Okay, okay.

Okay, good. Okay.

I'm totally getting bumped. Yeah.

I'm getting-- Sounds like--

It's like they brought me here to bump me,

all the way...

Getting bumped is not that bad, Louie. How is it not that bad?

'Cause they advertise your name,

you still get paid and then they have you back on.

Just...

Okay, thank you, thanks, Doug.

Amazing, this face work.

Look at this.

Look at "before"...

and look at "after."

Boy, just, you know, I think...

You know the real trick here?

I think the real trick here is, don't be pissed off.

You look better.

- I'm here to mic you. - Sure.

Just turn around for me. Oh, sorry.

Some of that delicious Velveeta juice.

Yeah!

Folks, we'll be right back with Tom Cruise

right after this.

Okay, where's your jacket?

I don't have-- This is what I'm wearing.

You're all set then. Okay.

Hey, what's going on?

I got some really bad news.

You're bumping me.

Shit, I knew this.

No, not exactly, I'm not bumping you. You're not?

What's--

Ross, you tell him? I haven't told him yet.

Louie, are you ready?

Tom Cruise is not coming tonight.

What do you mean, he's not coming? So... No, he's not coming.

He hates surprises

and the whole motorcycle thing, he just-- he just--

It doesn't matter why he canceled,

he's not coming, okay?

He's not here, you are.

You're on lead guest, okay?

We need you to lead off the show.

Now? Yes, now.

Okay. I can do some questions for him.

You're a comic, you know how to talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, here's your chance, all right. All right.

You ever flown on an airplane? Yeah, sure.

You got airplane stories? I can do a--

You all right, you good? Yeah, I'm ready.

All right, good, see you out there.

Okay, thanks. Come on, let's go, let's go.

You're on! Okay, okay, okay.

Right now? Okay, all right. Yeah, now!

Hey, everybody, welcome back.

Now, folks, as I...

as I told you, we had Tom Cruise booked on the show tonight,

but...

Well-- Yes, yes.

Well... this is...

this is live television

and sometimes things happen in live television,

and... Tom Cruise is not here.

All right, all right, I don't know why.

Okay, Louie, listen,

you're going immediately to your right, okay?

And as soon as you get to your right,

Jay will greet you, got it?

Okay. Are you listening to me?

. get here-- I don't know what it was.

Anyway, we have to do a show and I already did my jokes,

so what I'm gonna do is bring out the comic

who was gonna close the show tonight.

We're gonna give him a shot,

he's gonna be my very first guest tonight.

He's a very funny man,

he'll be at the Comedy Cellar in New York.

Go out there and go get 'em.

Okay?

Louie C.K., Louie!

Don't swear!

Good to see you. Hey, how are you?

Have a seat. Uh... thanks.

Hello?

Sir, this is housekeeping.

What?

You have a "do not disturb" sign on your door.

When do you want us to clean your room?

I have a "do not disturb" sign on the door,

that's the answer.

Just don't do this to me.

When do you want us to clean?

What's the point of the sign if you don't...

What...

This is the opposite of what it says.

You understand that?

When do you want us to clean?

Just don't ever clean it here ever again.

I don't know.

Shit on a dick.

Oh... shit.

Bitch.

Damn.

What the hell?

Hey, Doug.

Louie, Jesus, I've been trying to reach you.

What-- what is this-- What's wrong?

Did you see that you went viral today?

I'm what?

Your set from last night, it...

You got a million hits already online.

It was huge.

Listen, you have a meeting CBS in one hour.

I have-- What? At a what?

The who? What?

You have a meeting at CBS in one hour.

Doug, I didn't tell you

to set any meetings for me today.

What the hell is this about?

I don't know, they called me.

You have a meeting with the chairman, president,

whatever, of CBS in one hour.

Please, get up, get dressed and meet me there.

They're sending a car for you.

Okay, I got it.

Shit.

It's not even time to jerk off, for Christ's sakes.

Who are we here to see? Do you have any idea?

They didn't tell you the name of the guy? I don't know, no.

You didn't find out who we're-- No, I have no idea.

Excuse me, can you please tell us who we're here to see?

Hello?

Thank you, I'll tell him.

You can go in now.

Louie.

Come in.

Hi.

Sit down, sit down.

So...

you know who I am?

Yes, I-- yeah, I do.

Oh, this is my agent, Doug. It's an honor to meet--

You're in from New York.

Yeah.

Have you been there?

I'm from the Bronx.

Oh, yeah, the Bronx?

I-- I-- I haven't spent-- I haven't spent much--

Whatever.

You were very funny last night on "The Tonight Show."

Oh, thank you. Very funny.

Must have been under a lot of pressure, too.

Yeah, I didn't have much time to think about it.

What I'm about to tell you, nobody knows,

but it has the potential to change your whole life.

Okay.

It's privileged information.

Cannot leave this room.

Send Charlie in, uh, please.

Carnegie Deli.

I used to go there when I was starting out in New York.

Is that the thing I'm not supposed to tell anybody?

No.

This is Charlie from our legal department.

What is this?

These are confidentiality agreements.

You're signing a document that states

if you repeat anything that is told to you

by the chairman of the Columbia Broadcasting System,

you will be subject to penalties and litigation.

Okay.

I don't-- I don't know if I want to sign this.

Then leave the room!

Thank you.

I'm the chairman.

There won't be somebody else here next month.

I'll be here. Yes, sir.

David Letterman is retiring.

This is his last year on "The Late Show."

David Letterman's been at CBS for 20 years.

It's over.

I have to replace him.

I brought you here to ask you

if you'd be interested in the job.

No.

No? What...

Why not?

Well, that...

I mean, that's crazy.

I'm not that guy.

I'm 44 and I'm-- I mean, he's...

You should get Jerry Seinfeld or somebody, right?

Oh, we're getting Jerry Seinfeld.

You are?

You misunderstood me, son.

I'm not offering you the job,

I'm asking if you're interested in it.

We're negotiating with Jerry Seinfeld.

I'm looking for an option.

An option?

Here, let me lay it out for you.

Jerry Seinfeld is a slam dunk,

but he's a $12 million slam dunk at best.

You, I could get for a million,

a little less, maybe.

So.

You're thinking.

I see the wheels turning.

Tell-- tell me, what?

Well, I just never saw this--

I didn't see this coming.

I don't know--

I don't know how much you know about me.

I know you're a working-class standup

from Boston.

You do standup, you make, maybe,

$80,000 a year on the club dates,

but you're on the back nine of your career.

Except for, once in a while, a special on cable,

I think you--

Five years ago, you probably peaked

and now you're waiting around

wondering if something's gonna happen

before it gets embarrassing.

Am I right?

You don't think you can do it.

You think it's over and you're afraid to try.

I mean, I get it, that's normal.

I've seen it.

And I've seen it turn around.

Let me offer you a proposal.

You go back to New York.

You get in shape.

You lose about 40 pounds.

I get you with Jackie Dahl, he's my main city man.

He works with you and then, in about two months,

we do a test show.

A test show?

Jack'll get you a small studio.

You know, you'll do a monologue,

you'll do a couple of interviews

and if the test is good...

I'll put you on the air.

And then if you're a hit,

everybody'll think I'm a genius

and I'll have saved the network

about $12 million.

If America hates you...

no one's gonna blame me.

We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld to do the show.

No harm, no foul.

But you'll take the heat on all that.

You're gonna crack your head on the ceiling

and you're gonna go down,

probably for good.

Look, Louie.

We're talking about the big game here,

so forgive me if I use big terms.

Here's the reality.

In ten years, you're gonna be teaching comedy

at a community college to support your kids

and falling asleep to

"The Late Show with Jerry Seinfeld."

You're circling failure...

in a rapidly decaying orbit.

That's the reality, as we talk now.

But you can change that.

It's in your power to change that.

Yes, you'll have to work hard,

you'll have to do things you haven't done before

and still...

your chances are very slim.

But you could change it.

I'm gonna ask you one re time.

David Letterman is retiring.

Do you want his job?

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