Original subtitles

Oh, shit. Hi.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi, how are you?

How are you, Delores?

I wanted to talk to you about something

regarding the time that you...

came to my apartment.

Hey.

Do you remember? Yes, I...

Yes, I do.

Oh, Daddy.

Well, I'm having some residual feelings

about what happened.

Oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry!

What kind of residual...

Have you told anyone about what happened?

No, of course not. Why not?

What?

I've been talking about it a lot.

You have? Yes.

In therapy. Ah, okay.

I mean, um.

In fact, I wanted to ask you for a favor.

What's that?

Will you come to therapy with me?

You want me to come to your therapist with...

Yeah, I have some things to say to you

about what happened and I would feel better

if it was in my therapist's presence. Are you upset with me, or...

What... Are you gonna do it or not?

I don't think so, Delores.

I don't think I'm gonna do that.

I'll...

Well, can I ask for your help with something else?

What?

This Sunday, I want to rent a van

and I want to go to the IKEA in New Jersey.

I need a lot of stuff for my home right now

and Nelson's father isn't paying much support.

Okay, so-- Will you come with me?

You want me to go to IKEA with you?

Delores. What?

You don't-- if you want something from me,

you could just ask-- I'm not asking for charity from you.

I don't need your help.

I'm just saying, if you offer it,

I'll suck your dick.

Hi, Meredith, how you doing?

It's nice to see you.

I think this rug will fit in Nelson's room but.

I don't know about the color.

It would be a lot more help if you would participate.

How do you want me to participate?

You know, it really burns me that you need me to tell you

how to be helpful.

It's harder than doing everything myself and.

It's insulting, really.

Hey, Delores, if you need something, just ask for it,

don't make me read your mind.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks for answering my request for help

by making fun of me.

I'm not making fun of you.

What is your problem?

I'm trying-- What-- What's your problem?

I don't have a problem, I have a lot of stuff

that I have to accomplish.

Let's not let that happen to us.

Okay, hossenfeffer.

I'm gonna pry it out of you-- I'm not--

You're not prying it out of me.

I'll tell you.

If you wanna know what I think of the rug, I'll tell you.

It's fine.

"It's fine," that's it?

That's your opinion, that's all you have to offer?

It's a rug!

It's fine.

That's the level of passion that a rug warrants.

It's a rug, it doesn't solve all of my problems.

But it doesn't make me angry.

It's a rug-- it doesn't smell bad,

it's flat, it's blue, it goes on the floor.

It's not coated with AIDS

and it's not a portal to a nether place.

It's-- it's-- it doesn't make me come, but it's fine.

Ah, Delore.

Jesus.

Hey.

All right, I'm sorry.

Okay, all right, okay.

Okay, it's all right.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

All right.

I owe you a blow job.

You know what, don't worry about it.

No, I owe it to you.

I prefer to stick to our arrangement.

Okay, well, you can just owe it to me, okay?

So...

notify me when you want me to...

suck it.

Okay.

Maybe I should have gotten two of those chairs.

You mean the rattan chairs? Mm-hmm.

No, no, no.

The painted ones are good,

they're gonna be better for your space,

they'll be more practical.

You did good.

- Oh, hi. - Hi!

Hi. Hi!

You must be Doris. Yes, hi, you're Louie?

That's me. Hello.

Nice to meet you. Uh, so, um.

Well...

Can I get you something to drink?

- No, oh, no, I'm fine, I've got my own water right here. - Okay.

Well, this is my-- this is my piano. Oh, all right, great.

So should we. Yeah.

No, no, can I ask what made you

wanna decide to take piano lessons?

You told me on the phone that this is your first time.

Oh, yeah, well, it's kind of weird 'cause I'm 44, right,

and most people probably don't start--

No, that's great, it's great.

Well-- okay, well, I bought this piano for my kids

so they can learn

and neither of them wanted to. Right.

And then I just decided,

you know, screw them, I'll learn piano. Great.

I don't know. Great.

So we're starting from scratch?

Yeah, from scratch. Great.

Okay, well.

the thing to know about the piano is that--

That was-- that was really nice.

Oh. That's really good.

Well, you'll-- you'll play like that soon enough.

But the piano is actually the...

...the soul and the heart of-- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll just ignore-- No, no, no, that's okay, you can get it.

Just one call, okay, thank you. Yeah, it's okay.

Hello?

Hi.

So listen, either you gave me the crabs

or I gave you the crabs but anyway--

I have the crabs

and you were inside me last week, so you got crabs too.

Uh. so...

Jesus!

You didn't feel itchy?

Yeah, but I thought it--

I thought it was laundry detergent.

No. Crabs.

Uh.

So... fuck you or sorry.

I don't know which one.

Bye.

Uh.

Are you okay?

Well, I got a little bit of an emergency and I'm...

It's okay, it's gonna be okay but it's kind of-- Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's something I just need to deal with right now,

so I don't think I can do this right now. Oh, oh--

I'm really sorry but I really think I-- It's okay... okay.

I gotta ask you to go 'cause I gotta-- Oh, no, that's all right.

Can we just do this another time? Sure, sure, sure, sure, no problem.

I'll pay you for today, I don't mean to-- No, no, no, no, no.

That's okay, that's okay.

I'm really sorry, Doris, I just, uh...

Ahh!

Excuse me, uh...

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah, I have, uh,

I-- Crabs.

Can I-- Do you need the shampoo?

Yes.

I had it when I was younger, so I remember

but I don't-- Do you have it?

Do you not have it? Yeah, we keep it behind the counter.

It's nonprescription but if we kept it out there,

nobody would ever pay for it.

Ah, okay.

Can I have it, please? Yes.

Uh, I'm gonna have to put it together for you.

It's a kit. Great.

Excuse me. Yes, can I help you?

I'd like to speak to the pharmacist.

Um, what about?

Well, I got this prescription here

but, um...

but I want to consult with him.

I didn't get my consultation.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's an antibiotic,

so if you just follow the instructions,

you should be just fine.

Of course.

But I would like to speak with him. Well...

I need a consultation.

Yes-- He's busy at the moment.

Well, when can I speak to him?

What seems to be the problem?

Well, I wanna make sure I'm taking it right.

Are you taking water with it?

Yes. And food?

Yes, I've been taking it with my meals.

And have you been urinating regularly?

Well yes, I have.

How many times did you urinate today?

Well, uh...

Three times, I urinated three times today.

Did you have a bowel movement today?

Yes, I did, I had a bowel movement!

What was it like?

Was it soft?

Was it hard?

Or was your bowel movement normal?

Well, it was perhaps a little soft

but it was mostly normal.

You should be fine.

Thank you.

There you go.

And the winner of my house, and the 17 $40 prize.

It's time for "Retro Comedy Showcase!"

And now, the '80s.

First up, Louie CK.

Thank you very much!

My name is Louie.

I have red hair,

which means I can't go to the beach

because I don't really tan,

I just kind of burst into flames.

So I live in New York City.

New York is a-- is a-- it's the only city

I've ever been where you actually have to say things

like, "Hey, that's mine, don't pee on that."

But, uh...

Thank you very much, you've been a pleasure, good night!

Now it's time for Sarah Silverman!

Hey, how are you doing?

Thank you very much, it's really nice to be here.

You know, I was just back East 'cause my sister got married,

and it was really neat,

you know, they took each other's last names.

They hyphenated it, you know?

So now my sister's name is: Susan Silverman-Abromowitz.

They're thinking of just shortening it to just:

Jews.

Ha-ha!

... the Jews, they're good people.

Hey!

Hey, you gotta turn on the Comedy channel right now.

Oh, no, why?

..best friend. Oh, no!

Oh, no. You look like my friend Debbie.

Oh, God.

You know what, I think I look better now.

Yeah, you do, it's true.

It's sad, though, you know, 'cause we're not really

friends anymore, but...

"I was so cute and I didn't know better."

It's a lot of those kind of jokes.

"Did I say something?

I didn't even know I said something."

Oh, pathological liar.

How are you?

I'm okay, I had a stupid day.

Why?

And now, Marc Maron!

Oh, my God, Marc Maron!

How you doing, folks, all right?

Yeah!

Let's start a revolution, what do you think?

That never happens in this country.

All I know is, last year,

a million students rebelled in China;

650,000 people in Romania;

a half a million in East Germany--

I'm thinking to myself,

you couldn't get a half-million Americans together

unless it was a really good rock-'n'-roll show...

Look at him, he looks adorable.

... giving away beer.

I mean, if I came up to you and I said, "Come!

"We must go to the center of town

fight for freedom, democracy and our rights!"

You would be like, "Tonight?

We rented 'Batman,' um..."

Are you still watching?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

It's weird to see him right now.

Why?

I haven't talked to Marc in ten years.

That's crazy-- what?

You guys never made up?

You guys were best friends for years.

I know.

And then we had that thing happen and it was--

it was really bad.

What even happened?

Well shit.

He...

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Jesus, I've been--

I've been mad at Marc for ten years.

You know, not actively

but I wrote him off

because he did this really shitty thing to me

and I just--

he never apologized.

I was done with him.

And just now, I realized

that it was my fault.

Really?

Completely my fault.

I'm stunned.

I mean, I can't believe that I ever blamed him for that.

And it was...

I was such an asshole.

Well, you grew up, Louie.

I mean, a lot's happened to you

in the past ten years, and him too, I'm sure.

This is good, it's growth, you should call him.

I don't know.

I don't even think I have a good number

for him anymore.

I have it, Lou, call him right now.

Okay, I will.

One second.

Hey, man. Hi.

What's up? How you doing?

Thank you for... Okay.

I really appreciate you having me over.

Yeah, I...

Of course.

You want to-- you want to sit down, or...

Sure.

There's fine.

What's up, man?

Hey, uh, listen, thank you, uh..

This is kind of hard to say, okay?

I-- okay, look.

You know we had that fight, like, ten years ago?

I-- I held that against you for ten years

and that's--

that's hard to even say because--

Okay, I mean, from my point of view,

it's always been that you did something really...

really wrong to me

and then you just refused... that--

I mean, that's the way that I looked at it, you know?

And, uh.

So the other day, I was thinking about it again,

I guess I hadn't really thought about it for a long time,

not in detail,

and I really went over it in my head, you know,

I don't know why,

and I realized that it was my fault, completely.

And it's like-- I was a total asshole to you

and I stopped being your friend

and I'm shocked now when I think of it...

that I would ever have thought it was

anything that you did.

You did nothing and I-- and I--

I know that now

and I don't know how to-- how to, uh... look back--

you know, you look back at your actions and.

Man, I don't know--

I don't know if this has any meaning

or worth to you and I don't--

Maybe this is just more of me being selfish,

but I just wanna say, Marc, that I'm sorry

and I wish that, uh.

Well, I don't know what else to say.

Okay, is-- is that it, or.

Yeah, I guess so.

All right, well, I appreciate that,

but I guess you don't remember,

but you came over here five years ago

and said the exact same thing.

I did?

Yeah.

I mean, you cried that time.

You didn't cry this time, so that's--

I guess that's something.

Shit, I kind of remember that now. Yeah.

Well, look, I accepted that time,

I don't know, this time-- whatever.

I don't know what-- what--

do you need something from me, do you want--

No, no.

I'm sorry.

Okay, again?

All right. Okay, I'm.

Okay. Okay.

We good then, are we... Yeah, yeah, man, okay, I'm sorry.

Okay, all right.

Uh... It's all right.

I mean, you know, it happens. Shit.

Yeah... you know. All right.

All right, well...

I really am sorry, though, just so you know.

Okay.

Okay, I get it, it's okay.

You know what would be really great, though?

If maybe you call me up, you ask me for coffee,

we go out to dinner-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Something like that? Yeah, we'll do that.

Okay, great.

Or we can just do this again in five years.

Okay, man. It's all right.

Okay. All right, all right, okay.

How you been? Good, man.

That's very nice for you to ask.

Okay... okay? All right, yeah.

All right.

Jesus.

Jon Manfrellotti, folks.

The guy who wrote "Kumbaya," Mr. Jon Manfrellotti.

Oh, that's so sad.

Why sad?

Because he died.

No, he didn't.

He didn't die?

No, he's completely alive.

He's doing really well, he writes for "Family Guy."

Felt good being sad for somebody.

Who else died?

Richard Nixon.

Singing "Mack the Knife," you remember.

We also have the heavy metal country western band

after that.

"Jed Zeppelin."

So, uh, please... pace yourself.

Gonna be all on a slow ship.

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