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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie Louie, Louaaa ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
( audience laughing )
8
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,415
Yeah, I remember learning about
sex when I was a kid.
9
00:00:52,483 --> 00:00:53,716
I wanted to know what sex was
10
00:00:53,784 --> 00:00:56,052
'cause I just had
boners all the time.
11
00:00:56,119 --> 00:00:58,087
I went to my dad, I asked my dad
what sex was,
12
00:00:58,155 --> 00:00:59,856
'cause I knew that sex existed,
13
00:00:59,923 --> 00:01:00,890
I didn't know what it was.
14
00:01:00,958 --> 00:01:02,525
So I asked my dad
and he told me...
15
00:01:02,593 --> 00:01:04,327
Here's what my dad said.
16
00:01:04,394 --> 00:01:07,163
First of all,
it is not "sex."
17
00:01:07,231 --> 00:01:09,198
You must not call it that.
18
00:01:09,266 --> 00:01:10,933
Then what do I call it?
19
00:01:11,001 --> 00:01:12,802
"Making love."
20
00:01:14,404 --> 00:01:16,606
There is a secret to it
21
00:01:16,673 --> 00:01:19,324
and I am going to
tell it to you now.
22
00:01:20,291 --> 00:01:23,564
You must withhold stimulation.
23
00:01:24,957 --> 00:01:27,483
Enter her only slightly,
24
00:01:27,551 --> 00:01:29,073
then withdraw
25
00:01:29,987 --> 00:01:32,688
and wait until
she is mad with desire,
26
00:01:32,756 --> 00:01:35,925
begging you to penetrate.
27
00:01:35,993 --> 00:01:38,494
Then...
28
00:01:38,562 --> 00:01:40,830
then a bit more.
29
00:01:40,898 --> 00:01:43,900
But withdraw again!
30
00:01:43,967 --> 00:01:46,235
Then you must wait
31
00:01:46,303 --> 00:01:50,106
and withhold
until she demands it,
32
00:01:50,173 --> 00:01:52,217
and even then, you give
her nothing!
33
00:01:53,578 --> 00:01:56,279
Then all you have to do
34
00:01:56,346 --> 00:01:59,946
is touch her
and she will explode.
35
00:02:02,216 --> 00:02:04,287
I was seven years old
when he explained that.
36
00:02:04,354 --> 00:02:07,890
I was seven years old.
37
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:11,195
He's telling me how to make,
like, a 35-year-old woman come,
38
00:02:12,829 --> 00:02:14,530
who, like, really
knows herself.
39
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,568
That, my son,
40
00:02:18,635 --> 00:02:20,836
is the art of making love.
41
00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:25,074
Now repeat it to me.
42
00:02:26,944 --> 00:02:29,211
Well.
43
00:02:29,279 --> 00:02:30,813
Um, first of all,
44
00:02:30,881 --> 00:02:33,382
you said that
you don't call it sex,
45
00:02:33,450 --> 00:02:35,952
it's making love.
46
00:02:36,019 --> 00:02:38,287
And...
47
00:02:38,355 --> 00:02:39,455
and when you're doing it,
48
00:02:39,523 --> 00:02:42,391
first you go in
just a little bit
49
00:02:42,459 --> 00:02:44,160
and then you come back out
50
00:02:44,227 --> 00:02:46,529
and then she wants more,
51
00:02:46,597 --> 00:02:49,565
so you go in a little more,
52
00:02:49,633 --> 00:02:51,534
and then you come back out
53
00:02:51,602 --> 00:02:53,970
and she demands it
54
00:02:54,037 --> 00:02:56,572
so you just touch her,
and then she explodes.
55
00:03:02,079 --> 00:03:04,013
So they taught us
sex in school,
56
00:03:04,081 --> 00:03:06,248
and all they did was
scare the shit out of me
57
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:09,218
because they show you these
diagrams of, like, a penis,
58
00:03:09,286 --> 00:03:11,120
just this huge penis
59
00:03:11,188 --> 00:03:14,023
and it's cut in half
lengthwise.
60
00:03:14,091 --> 00:03:15,358
Like, yeah, that's what
your dick would look like
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00:03:15,425 --> 00:03:17,360
if I ripped off half of it
62
00:03:17,427 --> 00:03:18,694
and threw it in the garbage.
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00:03:18,762 --> 00:03:19,996
( audience laughing )
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00:03:20,063 --> 00:03:22,965
And this is the vagina.
65
00:03:23,033 --> 00:03:24,300
Vagina.
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00:03:24,368 --> 00:03:25,468
( children giggling )
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00:03:25,535 --> 00:03:27,837
When intercourse occurs,
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00:03:27,904 --> 00:03:30,106
the man takes his penis
69
00:03:30,173 --> 00:03:34,176
and ejaculates into the vagina.
70
00:03:35,946 --> 00:03:38,879
( Louie ) I didn't understand
anything that they taught us.
71
00:03:38,999 --> 00:03:40,923
It was just scaring me
cause I thought
72
00:03:41,043 --> 00:03:42,299
like I was a bad student.
73
00:03:42,419 --> 00:03:44,820
I had a hard time focusing on
what they were telling me
74
00:03:44,888 --> 00:03:47,056
about all these tubes and shit.
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00:03:47,124 --> 00:03:48,459
Louie?
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00:03:48,721 --> 00:03:50,793
Louie, come up here
and show me.
77
00:03:53,217 --> 00:03:56,565
Louie, show me the penis.
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00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:58,068
( children giggling )
79
00:03:58,188 --> 00:04:00,715
Show everyone the penis, Louie.
80
00:04:02,806 --> 00:04:04,874
Show the class the penis.
81
00:04:06,469 --> 00:04:09,245
I thought for like
five years that when...
82
00:04:09,312 --> 00:04:10,613
from watching this whole thing,
83
00:04:10,681 --> 00:04:11,827
that when you have sex,
84
00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:14,383
you come and one of
your balls comes out.
85
00:04:14,451 --> 00:04:15,718
That's what I thought happened,
86
00:04:15,786 --> 00:04:17,937
that you have to come a ball
87
00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:19,922
out of that little whole at
the tip of your dick.
88
00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:21,376
I was terrified!
89
00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:23,092
That's what I thought,
you just...
90
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:24,160
Bahh!
91
00:04:24,227 --> 00:04:25,928
And you push a ball out
92
00:04:25,996 --> 00:04:28,844
and she's screaming
and there's blood everywhere...
93
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:31,901
and you can only do it twice
94
00:04:31,968 --> 00:04:33,135
and then you're out of balls.
95
00:04:33,203 --> 00:04:34,454
That's what I thought.
96
00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:37,707
You come twice
and have two babies,
97
00:04:37,774 --> 00:04:39,375
and then you just walk around
with an empty sack
98
00:04:39,443 --> 00:04:41,046
for the rest of your life.
99
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:43,979
Which turned out
to be true, but...
100
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,717
It could have been worse.
It was good... yeah, totally.
101
00:04:53,784 --> 00:04:55,352
No, it was...
that was really good.
102
00:04:55,419 --> 00:04:57,120
You liked that?
Yeah, yeah.
103
00:04:57,188 --> 00:04:58,655
Oh, I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah, you really seem to know, like,
104
00:04:58,723 --> 00:05:00,590
all the good places
in New York.
105
00:05:00,658 --> 00:05:02,158
Well, I've been
alive for awhile
106
00:05:02,226 --> 00:05:03,793
and I like to eat, so...
107
00:05:03,861 --> 00:05:05,128
( chuckling )
108
00:05:06,631 --> 00:05:08,365
So I don't
know if you want to...
109
00:05:08,432 --> 00:05:09,733
Yeah, I, um...
110
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:10,834
What time is it?
111
00:05:10,902 --> 00:05:12,535
It's kind of late,
but I don't know,
112
00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:13,837
you want to get
a drink or something or...
113
00:05:13,905 --> 00:05:15,772
Yeah, you know what,
I gotta work tomorrow
114
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,908
and I don't really want to
start drinking right now.
115
00:05:17,975 --> 00:05:21,311
I don't really
drink either, so...
116
00:05:21,379 --> 00:05:22,479
You know what, though?
117
00:05:22,546 --> 00:05:24,347
There's a doughnut place
on 14th Street.
118
00:05:24,415 --> 00:05:25,882
You want to get
doughnuts right now?
119
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:29,444
Well, it's just kind of
a great old place.
120
00:05:29,564 --> 00:05:31,675
You know, just watery coffee.
121
00:05:31,795 --> 00:05:35,988
It's one of the last shitty old places of NY
and I don't know, I think you'd like it.
122
00:05:36,260 --> 00:05:38,112
Probably might get
a doughnut, too.
123
00:05:38,232 --> 00:05:39,963
Maybe some doughnuts.
124
00:05:40,031 --> 00:05:41,932
You want to go?
125
00:05:41,999 --> 00:05:44,301
Come on,
watch me eat a doughnut.
126
00:05:44,863 --> 00:05:45,623
Okay.
It'll be fun.
127
00:05:45,664 --> 00:05:46,572
Yeah.
You wanna go?
128
00:05:46,606 --> 00:05:47,879
Yeah.
Good, okay, come on.
129
00:05:47,892 --> 00:05:49,098
If I can have a doughnut, too.
130
00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:51,386
Well, you can have maybe one.
131
00:05:55,211 --> 00:05:57,130
It's like $50,000 a month rent
for most places.
132
00:06:05,423 --> 00:06:07,490
Your go-to place at this hour?
Mm-hmm.
133
00:06:07,558 --> 00:06:09,726
That's how they knew you and
what you like, the coconut?
134
00:06:09,794 --> 00:06:11,561
Yeah, that's why I didn't
have to ask.
135
00:06:11,629 --> 00:06:12,996
It's getting all over you.
Sorry.
136
00:06:13,064 --> 00:06:15,532
I would have come here even
if you didn't come with me.
137
00:06:15,599 --> 00:06:16,599
All by yourself?
138
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:17,834
Oh, yeah.
139
00:06:17,902 --> 00:06:19,703
Without me?
Sure.
140
00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:20,937
I mean, I'm here every night.
141
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:21,972
Seriously?
142
00:06:22,039 --> 00:06:23,540
The doughnuts.
143
00:06:23,607 --> 00:06:25,075
I don't really need you here.
144
00:06:25,142 --> 00:06:25,976
They're great company, yeah.
145
00:06:26,043 --> 00:06:27,410
( laughing )
146
00:06:27,478 --> 00:06:28,979
It's nice, though.
147
00:06:29,046 --> 00:06:29,980
To share?
Yeah.
148
00:06:30,047 --> 00:06:31,448
You... you were correct.
149
00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:33,850
This is...
this is like piss.
150
00:06:33,918 --> 00:06:35,085
It's piss with shit
floating in it.
151
00:06:35,152 --> 00:06:36,686
It's really fantastic.
152
00:06:36,754 --> 00:06:39,556
So how did you get
started being a comedian?
153
00:06:39,623 --> 00:06:41,691
Oh, well, I started in
high school.
154
00:06:41,759 --> 00:06:43,727
Really?
Yeah, I was 18.
155
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,962
( man ) Suzy!
( man ) Big old titties!
156
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,498
Her boobs were so hot,
too, did you see that?
157
00:06:48,566 --> 00:06:50,233
And I was right
out of high school.
158
00:06:50,301 --> 00:06:53,670
I found out you could do
open-mic nights in Boston,
159
00:06:53,738 --> 00:06:55,538
so I started getting
interested...
160
00:06:55,606 --> 00:06:56,806
( man ) Tits!
161
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:57,807
Sorry.
162
00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,175
You believe these guys?
163
00:06:59,243 --> 00:07:00,610
This is ridiculous.
164
00:07:00,678 --> 00:07:03,279
You had that Asian chick
right in front of you, loser.
165
00:07:03,347 --> 00:07:05,248
You're a loser!
166
00:07:05,316 --> 00:07:07,350
Loser!
Eat my ass, you douche bag!
167
00:07:07,418 --> 00:07:09,719
( all chanting ) Eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat...
168
00:07:09,787 --> 00:07:10,487
( man ) Eat it!
169
00:07:10,554 --> 00:07:12,655
Eat it, eat it!
170
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,290
Nobody can even talk.
171
00:07:14,358 --> 00:07:15,825
I know.
It's ridiculous.
172
00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:17,727
I mean, I really am interested
that you started so young.
173
00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:18,895
You are?
Yeah.
174
00:07:18,963 --> 00:07:20,730
Well, yeah,
I was in high school...
175
00:07:20,798 --> 00:07:23,333
( all chanting ) Eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat,
176
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,635
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat...
177
00:07:25,703 --> 00:07:27,003
( Louie ) Hey, hey!
178
00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:30,375
Guys, could you keep it
down, please?
179
00:07:31,379 --> 00:07:32,456
Thank you.
180
00:07:33,477 --> 00:07:34,811
That's good, it worked.
181
00:07:34,879 --> 00:07:36,413
Yeah, I hope so.
182
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:37,981
Anyway, there was these clubs
in Boston that you could go on
183
00:07:38,049 --> 00:07:39,182
and they were just like
open-mic nights.
184
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,316
You could just...
185
00:07:40,384 --> 00:07:41,684
anytime you wanted to.
186
00:07:44,522 --> 00:07:46,245
How's it going?
187
00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:49,504
Fine.
188
00:07:50,153 --> 00:07:52,362
I'm sorry, were we bothering
you guys back there?
189
00:07:53,192 --> 00:07:54,877
Yeah, actually you were.
190
00:07:54,997 --> 00:07:56,607
That's why I asked you
to be quiet
191
00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:57,781
and you did, so thank you.
192
00:07:57,901 --> 00:07:58,951
Oh, that's all right.
193
00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:00,249
I'm Sean.
194
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,687
Sean, got it, thanks.
195
00:08:05,807 --> 00:08:07,353
"Got it, thanks,"
that's your name?
196
00:08:07,473 --> 00:08:08,582
No, it's Louie.
197
00:08:08,702 --> 00:08:10,267
Oh, okay.
198
00:08:10,387 --> 00:08:10,851
Louie.
199
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:12,715
Louie.
200
00:08:13,495 --> 00:08:14,884
Hi, I'm Sean.
201
00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:16,886
What's your name?
202
00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:20,017
What, am I bothering you?
Hey, hey, hey, man. Come on.
203
00:08:20,137 --> 00:08:21,124
Hey, what's up, Louie?
204
00:08:21,192 --> 00:08:23,198
Why don't you go back with
your friends, okay?
205
00:08:23,318 --> 00:08:25,679
Yeah, see, I don't
really feel like it, Louie.
206
00:08:27,281 --> 00:08:28,910
Hey, Louie, can I ask
you a question?
207
00:08:31,472 --> 00:08:33,101
When was the last time
you got your ass kicked?
208
00:08:34,385 --> 00:08:35,577
What?
You heard me.
209
00:08:35,697 --> 00:08:37,064
When was the last time
you got your ass kicked?
210
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,265
I'm just curious.
211
00:08:39,979 --> 00:08:41,443
What, you scared?
212
00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:42,851
Are you scared right now?
213
00:08:42,971 --> 00:08:44,047
No.
No?
214
00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:46,138
No, I'm not scared of you.
Why?
215
00:08:47,804 --> 00:08:49,400
'Cause I'm a grown man.
216
00:08:49,439 --> 00:08:51,753
I'm not afraid of some young
kid, some high-school bully.
217
00:08:51,873 --> 00:08:53,520
Oh, you're not afraid
of high school... No.
218
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,028
So what if I just decided to
kick your ass right now,
219
00:08:56,148 --> 00:08:57,393
what would you do then?
220
00:08:57,975 --> 00:08:58,862
Huh?
221
00:08:59,535 --> 00:09:00,964
Do you want that?
222
00:09:01,813 --> 00:09:03,066
I'm serious.
223
00:09:03,664 --> 00:09:05,101
I can hurt you really bad.
224
00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:07,237
Right now.
225
00:09:07,918 --> 00:09:08,802
You see this?
226
00:09:09,064 --> 00:09:10,573
Huh, you see that, huh?
227
00:09:11,177 --> 00:09:12,306
It's just two days ago.
228
00:09:12,693 --> 00:09:13,715
Destroyed this guy's face,
229
00:09:13,835 --> 00:09:15,248
must have hit him
like 40 times,
230
00:09:15,368 --> 00:09:16,613
teeth were all over the place.
231
00:09:17,282 --> 00:09:18,948
Just left him there bleeding.
232
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,584
Probably sent him to
the hospital, I don't know.
233
00:09:22,291 --> 00:09:23,553
Are you ready for that?
234
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:26,047
'Cause I'm kind of feeling like
doing that to you right now.
235
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:27,152
I'm gonna be honest.
236
00:09:27,272 --> 00:09:28,298
I'm kind of leaning that way.
237
00:09:29,458 --> 00:09:30,812
I don't know, I don't know.
238
00:09:30,932 --> 00:09:32,795
Maybe if you asked me
nicely or something, I won't...
239
00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,631
I won't do it.
240
00:09:34,698 --> 00:09:35,765
But then again, I don't know.
241
00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:38,535
I don't know how
I'll feel, you know?
242
00:09:38,602 --> 00:09:40,236
I don't know how I'll feel.
243
00:09:40,304 --> 00:09:42,673
'Cause maybe you'll
ask me nicely
244
00:09:42,793 --> 00:09:44,741
and I'll still beat
the shit out of you.
245
00:09:44,808 --> 00:09:46,775
Maybe I won't.
246
00:09:48,929 --> 00:09:50,158
So what do you say, Louie?
247
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:57,587
Huh?
248
00:10:01,573 --> 00:10:03,741
Please don't.
What do you want me to say?
249
00:10:04,238 --> 00:10:05,315
Don't what?
250
00:10:06,668 --> 00:10:08,261
Don't kick my ass, ok?
251
00:10:08,381 --> 00:10:09,927
Nah, I don't like
how you said that.
252
00:10:10,983 --> 00:10:11,594
Why, what...
253
00:10:11,714 --> 00:10:13,095
Ask nice, ask better.
254
00:10:13,215 --> 00:10:15,047
It was fake.
Ask again.
255
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:15,899
Now.
256
00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:17,121
Okay.
257
00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:20,677
Please don't kick my ass, okay?
258
00:10:21,386 --> 00:10:23,313
You're very strong
and young, I get it.
259
00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:25,689
You could kick my ass,
I'm sure you could,
260
00:10:25,809 --> 00:10:28,218
so I'm really asking you nicely
261
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:31,720
to please not kick
my ass, okay?
262
00:10:34,248 --> 00:10:35,322
That was hard to watch.
263
00:10:35,362 --> 00:10:36,259
All right, Louie.
264
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:38,086
Come on, guys, let's go.
265
00:10:38,206 --> 00:10:39,529
Let's leave Louie to his date.
266
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:40,763
( man ) Ain't that right?
267
00:10:40,831 --> 00:10:42,031
Let him have his
nice little date.
268
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:43,199
Enjoy.
269
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:44,701
Take care, tough guy.
270
00:10:47,071 --> 00:10:48,605
( all ) Louie!
271
00:10:48,672 --> 00:10:50,406
All right, Louie!
272
00:10:50,474 --> 00:10:52,979
Go get 'em, Louie!
Good job, good job.
273
00:10:55,568 --> 00:10:57,564
That guy was a nightmare, huh?
274
00:11:00,317 --> 00:11:01,618
What?
275
00:11:01,685 --> 00:11:03,319
What?
276
00:11:03,387 --> 00:11:05,855
Nothing.
277
00:11:05,923 --> 00:11:07,991
You didn't really want me
to fight that guy, did you?
278
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:09,325
'Cause he...
No, no, no.
279
00:11:09,393 --> 00:11:10,693
That guy was pretty serious.
Yeah, of course.
280
00:11:10,761 --> 00:11:12,829
No, of course.
281
00:11:12,896 --> 00:11:14,530
Hey, look, if you need
to be with some guy
282
00:11:14,598 --> 00:11:16,866
that gets into fights with
dumb young jocks, that's...
283
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,935
I got two kids,
you know, I'm not...
284
00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:20,270
No, I would never.
285
00:11:20,337 --> 00:11:21,471
You did the right thing.
286
00:11:21,538 --> 00:11:23,473
I mean, of course, no,
of course not.
287
00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:25,375
I mean, that was... you know,
it was pretty humiliating.
288
00:11:25,442 --> 00:11:26,542
Yeah.
289
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,680
Hey, look, I don't...
290
00:11:30,748 --> 00:11:31,814
I'm getting this weird feeling
291
00:11:31,882 --> 00:11:33,249
like you're looking down
at me right now
292
00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:34,884
for what just happened.
293
00:11:34,952 --> 00:11:37,754
I don't... I mean, I would
never want a guy to fight.
294
00:11:37,821 --> 00:11:38,821
That's... of course.
295
00:11:38,889 --> 00:11:40,156
It's so stupid.
296
00:11:40,224 --> 00:11:41,624
I'd be pissed if you did.
297
00:11:41,692 --> 00:11:43,359
And, y'know, I mean,
being violent is just
298
00:11:43,427 --> 00:11:44,661
the dumbest thing ever.
299
00:11:44,728 --> 00:11:46,095
And, y'know, who cares
what you have to say
300
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,563
to get the guy off your back.
301
00:11:47,631 --> 00:11:50,533
I... I totally feel
that way.
302
00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:52,068
But, uh...
What ?!
303
00:11:52,136 --> 00:11:53,770
I just, I don't...
304
00:11:53,837 --> 00:11:55,405
I mean, if I'm
being totally honest,
305
00:11:55,472 --> 00:11:58,771
that was a turnoff,
seeing that.
306
00:11:59,877 --> 00:12:01,144
Jesus Christ.
I know.
307
00:12:01,211 --> 00:12:03,046
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
308
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,347
I don't know, I just...
309
00:12:04,415 --> 00:12:07,083
It's like a primitive thing
or something.
310
00:12:07,151 --> 00:12:09,519
I mean, you see this guy
just totally debase himself
311
00:12:09,586 --> 00:12:11,087
and it's like just to be safe?
312
00:12:11,155 --> 00:12:14,905
It's... a turnoff.
313
00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:20,030
That's seriously a real bummer.
314
00:12:20,461 --> 00:12:22,781
You know, I gotta criticize you
a little bit for that.
315
00:12:23,132 --> 00:12:26,890
Cause that's why there's wars and stuff.
You know?
316
00:12:27,010 --> 00:12:30,411
Women like you that choose
stupid strong people
317
00:12:30,531 --> 00:12:31,940
over the weak and the gentles.
318
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:32,942
Listen, look.
319
00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:35,119
Okay, I'm a grown woman
320
00:12:36,514 --> 00:12:39,579
and my mind is telling me
that you are a great guy.
321
00:12:41,964 --> 00:12:44,243
But my chemistry is telling
me that you're a loser.
322
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:46,723
I mean, I'm surprised,
323
00:12:46,790 --> 00:12:48,391
y'know, by my own reaction.
Yeah.
324
00:12:48,459 --> 00:12:49,759
Wow.
I have no defense.
325
00:12:49,827 --> 00:12:51,527
I mean, I'm completely
surprised by my own
326
00:12:51,595 --> 00:12:52,729
feelings about it.
327
00:12:52,796 --> 00:12:54,630
That's... I think you've
said enough things.
328
00:12:54,698 --> 00:12:55,932
I'm sorry.
Okay?
329
00:12:55,999 --> 00:12:57,934
So let's maybe
put you in a cab now.
330
00:12:58,001 --> 00:12:59,068
Should I leave a tip
or something?
331
00:12:59,136 --> 00:13:01,089
I got it, okay?
Okay, yeah.
332
00:13:02,801 --> 00:13:04,440
It was a great
doughnut, though.
333
00:13:04,508 --> 00:13:06,008
Yeah, thank you very much.
334
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,348
May I get the door
for you, madam?
335
00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:13,783
'Cause you're
a woman and I'm a man
336
00:13:13,851 --> 00:13:15,985
and you're... I'm strong
and mighty.
337
00:13:19,079 --> 00:13:20,363
( horn honking )
338
00:15:49,422 --> 00:15:50,489
Yeah?
339
00:15:50,556 --> 00:15:51,757
Hey.
340
00:15:51,824 --> 00:15:54,126
You don't know me...
341
00:15:54,193 --> 00:15:55,527
but...
342
00:15:55,595 --> 00:15:56,661
What, are you
selling something or...
343
00:15:56,729 --> 00:15:58,063
No, no.
344
00:15:58,131 --> 00:15:59,564
Who's this?
345
00:15:59,632 --> 00:16:01,533
I'm here because...
346
00:16:01,601 --> 00:16:02,834
You have a son named Sean?
347
00:16:02,902 --> 00:16:04,002
Yeah.
348
00:16:04,070 --> 00:16:06,104
Well, I had a little trouble
with him tonight.
349
00:16:06,172 --> 00:16:08,073
Like what?
350
00:16:08,141 --> 00:16:09,307
Well, he threatened me.
351
00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:11,009
He threatened to beat me up.
352
00:16:13,846 --> 00:16:15,347
Uh, would... would you
come in, please?
353
00:16:15,414 --> 00:16:16,715
Yeah, sure.
354
00:16:19,819 --> 00:16:21,019
Jimmy, turn that shit down.
355
00:16:21,087 --> 00:16:23,554
I'm playing!
Turn it down, goddamn it!
356
00:16:26,359 --> 00:16:29,494
So... what happened?
357
00:16:29,562 --> 00:16:33,649
Well, I was at a... at this
doughnut place on 14th Street
358
00:16:33,769 --> 00:16:36,034
and I was on a date and...
359
00:16:36,102 --> 00:16:38,170
Well, Sean came in with
all these friends of his
360
00:16:38,237 --> 00:16:40,005
and they were just
making a racket
361
00:16:40,072 --> 00:16:41,506
and nobody
could talk or anything,
362
00:16:41,574 --> 00:16:43,408
and so I asked them
to keep it down.
363
00:16:43,476 --> 00:16:44,876
He starts threatening me
364
00:16:44,944 --> 00:16:46,478
and saying that
he could beat me up.
365
00:16:46,546 --> 00:16:48,547
He's saying that he's
beat other people up
366
00:16:48,614 --> 00:16:50,482
and he's saying that...
367
00:16:50,550 --> 00:16:53,952
Well, he said that if
I didn't ask him not to,
368
00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:56,054
that he would beat
the shit out of me.
369
00:16:56,122 --> 00:16:57,489
Oh, my God.
370
00:16:57,557 --> 00:16:59,291
Look, nothing
happened to me, I'm okay,
371
00:16:59,358 --> 00:17:01,560
but it was scary.
372
00:17:01,627 --> 00:17:03,295
Y'know, I'm not a fighting guy.
373
00:17:03,362 --> 00:17:04,362
I'm 42.
374
00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:05,931
I got children.
375
00:17:05,998 --> 00:17:08,300
I'm not gonna get in
a fight with somebody.
376
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:12,189
But, look, he threatened me,
and that's illegal.
377
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,153
Sean, get down here.
378
00:17:17,575 --> 00:17:18,624
Sean!
379
00:17:18,744 --> 00:17:20,412
- ( Sean ) What?
- Get down here!
380
00:17:20,532 --> 00:17:22,147
What, what, what, what?
381
00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:23,470
Were you bothering this guy?
382
00:17:23,590 --> 00:17:25,125
What the hell?
What did you do?
383
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:26,117
What the hell are you doing here?
What did you say?
384
00:17:26,185 --> 00:17:27,385
Listen, I don't know what
this guy told you, Dad.
385
00:17:27,453 --> 00:17:29,588
Dad... shit, Dad, I don't
know what he told you!
386
00:17:29,655 --> 00:17:31,857
I don't know what he told you!
Tell him you're sorry!
387
00:17:31,924 --> 00:17:33,959
Tell him you're sorry, goddamn it!
Stop hitting him!
388
00:17:34,026 --> 00:17:35,727
How do you think he turned out like this!
What are you talking about?
389
00:17:35,795 --> 00:17:36,928
He's no good!
390
00:17:36,996 --> 00:17:38,797
Don't say that, he's your kid.
391
00:17:38,865 --> 00:17:40,198
He probably could
have been a good kid.
392
00:17:40,266 --> 00:17:42,100
He's obviously smart.
393
00:17:42,168 --> 00:17:44,636
But what... how... you teach
him to just hit people.
394
00:17:44,704 --> 00:17:46,738
What was he gonna be
but a stupid bully?
395
00:17:46,806 --> 00:17:48,039
I mean, you never
gave him a chance.
396
00:17:48,107 --> 00:17:51,865
Hey, screw you!
Who the hell are you?
397
00:17:52,251 --> 00:17:55,080
Get the hell out of my house, you faggot.
398
00:17:55,147 --> 00:17:57,082
Tell me how to raise my kid!
399
00:17:57,149 --> 00:18:00,518
Go back to New York,
you Obama-loving faggot!
400
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:02,215
Who needs ya ?!
401
00:18:13,132 --> 00:18:14,633
Hey.
402
00:18:16,502 --> 00:18:18,136
Hey, buddy, listen.
403
00:18:18,204 --> 00:18:19,537
Yeah?
404
00:18:21,908 --> 00:18:24,142
Hey, man,
I don't know what to do.
405
00:18:24,210 --> 00:18:27,979
I mean, I got three kids
in there and, you know...
406
00:18:28,047 --> 00:18:30,782
He's 18 now, you know.
407
00:18:30,850 --> 00:18:32,951
I don't know what to do.
408
00:18:33,019 --> 00:18:35,253
Listen, I don't know... I don't
know what you're dealing with.
409
00:18:35,321 --> 00:18:37,656
You know, I got two kids,
but they're girls
410
00:18:37,723 --> 00:18:40,692
and the oldest one's eight,
so I don't know, I mean...
411
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,328
I guess, I just...
412
00:18:43,396 --> 00:18:44,796
I would go with
maybe not hitting 'em.
413
00:18:44,864 --> 00:18:47,299
That doesn't seem like
such a great idea.
414
00:18:47,366 --> 00:18:50,287
Well, that's what I know.
415
00:18:51,003 --> 00:18:54,582
My dad hit me, and his dad him.
416
00:18:56,042 --> 00:18:58,176
How's that going?
( dogs barking )
417
00:19:00,813 --> 00:19:02,247
Yeah.
418
00:19:05,584 --> 00:19:07,953
How old were you
when you had kids?
419
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:10,355
I was 34.
420
00:19:10,423 --> 00:19:11,890
I was 20.
421
00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:12,891
Seriously?
422
00:19:12,959 --> 00:19:15,226
20, yeah.
423
00:19:15,294 --> 00:19:18,563
Grace had a great ass then.
424
00:19:18,631 --> 00:19:19,831
20, that's crazy.
425
00:19:19,899 --> 00:19:21,166
Yeah.
426
00:19:23,102 --> 00:19:26,805
Then again, my life from
20 to 34 was all shit,
427
00:19:26,872 --> 00:19:28,940
so I might as well
have had kids then.
428
00:19:33,312 --> 00:19:34,646
What do you do?
429
00:19:34,714 --> 00:19:36,281
Sanitation.
430
00:19:38,718 --> 00:19:40,213
You?
431
00:19:41,153 --> 00:19:42,787
I'm a comedian.
432
00:19:42,855 --> 00:19:44,956
Get the ( blank ) out of here.
Yeah.
433
00:19:45,024 --> 00:19:46,491
Yeah.
434
00:19:46,559 --> 00:19:47,959
It's a job.
435
00:19:48,027 --> 00:19:49,160
No, it isn't.
436
00:19:49,228 --> 00:19:50,328
( laughing )
437
00:19:50,396 --> 00:19:52,430
I guess not.
438
00:19:52,498 --> 00:19:55,200
( siren blaring in distance )
439
00:20:02,293 --> 00:20:05,243
( Louie ) I mean, I was a piece
of shit when I was a kid.
440
00:20:06,746 --> 00:20:08,845
I stole a kid's bike when I was a kid.
441
00:20:08,965 --> 00:20:12,891
And then, and then somebody stole it
from me, that's what happens.
442
00:20:13,277 --> 00:20:14,819
And I couldn't take it
back from him
443
00:20:14,887 --> 00:20:17,022
'cause he was bigger
than me, he could kick my ass.
444
00:20:17,089 --> 00:20:18,023
And I've never been in a fight.
445
00:20:18,090 --> 00:20:19,958
I've never been in a fight.
446
00:20:20,026 --> 00:20:21,493
I've never beat anybody up,
447
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:22,660
I've never sucked a guy's dick.
448
00:20:22,728 --> 00:20:24,644
Those two things I never did,
449
00:20:24,906 --> 00:20:27,632
was beat somebody up
or suck a guy's dick.
450
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:29,367
And I mention those two,
'cause those a the two things
451
00:20:29,435 --> 00:20:30,602
I never did, like...
452
00:20:30,669 --> 00:20:32,470
I would say things
that I'll never do
453
00:20:32,538 --> 00:20:34,739
that I've crossed the line
where I never will do them,
454
00:20:34,807 --> 00:20:36,319
'cause I'm 42
455
00:20:36,439 --> 00:20:38,710
and it would just be
a weird time to start
456
00:20:38,778 --> 00:20:41,379
is fighting, blowing guys,
457
00:20:41,447 --> 00:20:42,243
and skiing.
458
00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:45,717
I think those
are the three things...
459
00:20:45,785 --> 00:20:50,021
that the window has closed
on learning to ski,
460
00:20:50,089 --> 00:20:52,424
starting to be
a fighting person
461
00:20:52,491 --> 00:20:54,292
or blowing men.
462
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,761
Who starts blowing guys at 42?
463
00:21:05,401 --> 00:21:06,964
Hey, man.
464
00:21:07,031 --> 00:21:09,767
Just... don't.
465
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:12,269
Who are you?
466
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:14,638
I'm you in 30 years.
467
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:15,839
You gotta be kidding me.
468
00:21:15,907 --> 00:21:16,940
You're fat.
469
00:21:17,008 --> 00:21:19,009
You're ugly.
470
00:21:19,077 --> 00:21:20,210
I mean...
471
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,012
Yeah, you're gonna
be bald, too.
472
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,347
All right?
Oh, my God.
473
00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:24,314
This is a nightmare.
474
00:21:24,382 --> 00:21:26,316
What happened to you?
475
00:21:26,384 --> 00:21:28,318
I don't know, man.
476
00:21:28,386 --> 00:21:29,853
You'll see.
477
00:21:29,921 --> 00:21:31,088
This sucks.
478
00:21:31,156 --> 00:21:32,456
Mm-hmm.
479
00:21:42,086 --> 00:21:52,673
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www.addic7ed.com
480
00:21:52,723 --> 00:21:57,273
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