Original subtitles

[sighs]

- There he is. - Hey.

Morning, jefe.

Damn, where's the coffee, dude?

I got my meeting for "Valleys" today.

Yo, here, take mine.

I make this breakfast hack that is woke.

I take the leftover milk from my Froot Loops,

and pour it in there.

- Sweet and fruity. - Uh, I'll get diabetes later.

I'll get some on the way.

Hey, come on, Manolo, let's go.

I can't drive you today, jefe.

It's my first day of adult education class.

Remember, I gotta get my GED or I violate my parole.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, I'll drive myself.

- Can I have a ride? - Can you have a ride?

Yeah, bring Hector with you. Maybe you'll both learn something.

- Man, I already graduated high school. - Well, I'm busy, dude,

so I'm not leaving you in the house all by yourself.

But you don't have to worry about me, George.

In prison, I learned how to keep myself busy and out of trouble.

[sighs] All right.

Good morning.

Oh, man, this, like, the fifth night you spent here this week.

I just love hanging out with you, George.

I didn't know you were here.

- Maronzio, happy birthday. - Thanks, bud.

Oh, yeah, hey, uh, Maronzio, happy birthday.

I was gonna...

We were gonna say it together, but he jumped, he jumped...

[whispering] Did you get him a gift?

Dammit, George, there's no more coffee.

You need get a second coffeemaker.

It's just practical.

No, no, Hector made you some coffee.

It's good.

[sipping]

- [laughing] - [Hector] It's good.

That's cereal milk. How you celebrating your birthday?

Well, you know, birthday is just another day.

I'm just gonna focus on my podcast.

You have a podcast? What's it about?

Well, it took me long and hard to land on something,

but I think I got something good.

I'm gonna interview famous rappers.

There's only about five or 10,000 podcasts, why not?

[snickering] It's sounds great, I'll listen to it.

- And I appreciate that. - I rap.

[rapping in Spanish]

You should interview me.

I don't even know what you said.

Besides, you're not famous.

Look, you know Lil Yachty, right?

Yeah, I hang out with his pops.

- Make a phone call for me? - No.

Come on, chorizo ice.

Let's go. Grab your Selena lunch box.

All right, guys, come on.

Bye, man, good luck.

[sighs]

Why didn't you tell me it was Maronzio's birthday, man?

Why do I pay you for?

I'm your driver.

And you're doing a bang-up job, too.

Now I gotta get him a gift.

Well, he likes everything.

Oh.

[shifts gears]

It's been a long time since I've been in school.

It hasn't changed.

I don't think they've put any paint since they built this place.

- What if I don't do good? - Do good?

Okay, listen, you might wanna spend some extra time in English class.

I'm nervous, jefe.

Okay, listen, it's natural that you're gonna be nervous, okay?

Just don't fall asleep like you do when you drive me.

Oh, and if you're still nervous at recess, check out your lunch.

I put a little 40 ounce in there,

take the edge off, all right.

Good looking out, jefe, thank you.

Of course, now go in there.

You're gonna be tardy on your first day.

Go learn something.

[phone ringing]

Oh, good, George, you're here, hi.

Hi, we're here on time for the human resources meeting. Thank you.

Is this what we come down to? Like, we're having a meeting

to talk about what we're gonna talk about later in the meeting?

It's not what we're going to talk about.

It's how we're going to talk about it with Coco.

Come on, Olly, Coco's transgender.

She's not holding hostages at gunpoint.

Not far off.

ABC will only greenlight "Valleys" if Coco commits to it.

I know, you keep saying.

Hey, I probably should get Maronzio a gift

'cause it's his birthday,

since I kind of screwed him out of the whole Vegas thing?

Yes, gifts are a good idea.

Maybe sky diving lessons.

Or an edible bouquet.

Or I know a guy who makes socks with your face on them.

No, I think I...

just figured out the perfect gift.

We'll stop at a drugstore and get him a card.

Yeah, oh, I'm sure he'll really appreciate the effort.

Do you want me to sign it for you?

Yeah, but, don't use the glitter ink

'cause it looks like I didn't really sign it.

Mm, you didn't.

[clears throat]

Columbus's voyage was in 1492.

Now there were three ships.

The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

- Miss Whitney? - Yes.

I didn't get that last part. Could you say it once more?

Oh, my God, again?

So, the second one is, is the Pinto? Like a bean?

Chico likes beans, figures.

Hey! Do you see this sign right here?

This is a no bullying zone.

You best respect him before I mess you up, fatso.

I'm pregnant. I know you, you're always pregnant.

It's the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

Hey, Chico, all the notes are online, man come on!

I read somewhere that if you write things down,

you remember 'em better.

I just can't remember where I read that.

Guess I shoulda written it down, huh?

[laughing]

HR has called this meeting to discuss Coco.

There are many issues that are important

- to the LGBTQ community. - Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold up, hold up.

So, so LGBTQ is, uh, lesbian, gay, bi, trans.

And then the, man, the Q... What's the Q?

- Queer. - How is that different?

Actually, it's LGBTQ, I-S and A-S.

I-S is intersexual, A-S is asexual.

We're reserving the letters J, R and M for further classification.

In any event, we are here to discuss what can and cannot

be said about and around Coco with respect to Coco's...

Being a transsexual.

- Oh, my. - Oh, my? What?

I don't think we're supposed to use that word.

Legal believes the correct term is transgender.

Beautiful, transgender.

But we prefer you not use that either.

- Why not? - We're not sure.

Oh, come on, why don't I just say, like,

"Hey, Coco, I'm George, male, Mexican, heterosexual.

What do you like to be called?"

Uh, remember, George, you're cisgender or cis male.

I think we're supposed to use cis in there somewhere.

Uh, George, HR is not comfortable with you

saying Mexican, male or heterosexual.

Which one do you hate the most?

If creative insists on going down this path of confrontation with Coco,

- legal cannot sanction this meeting. - [clears throat]

- Olly? - Uh, not a problem.

As executive producers, George and I will make sure

that everyone shows due sensitivity to Coco, mm-hmm, right, George?

Right. Yeah, that's right, absolutely.

Listen, Coco is gonna be happy with whatever we call her.

You can't say her or she.

Until Coco self-identifies.

Meantime, perhaps a gender-neutral pronoun.

Ze, zy, zum, zir, zis.

Oh, come on, what's, what's happening?

For now, it's best if we use Coco's name at all times.

For example, "Please take Coco"

to Coco's dressing room."

Any questions?

[British accent] Hello, you've reached Olivia Smith Management.

Miss Smith is in a meeting at the moment.

Please leave a message.

[beep] Hey, Olly, it's George.

What's what the Queen of England voice.

Hey, so, I ended up getting Maronzio

a coffeemaker for his birthday.

All right, so, if you're thinking about getting a gift,

probably stay out of the coffee related areas, all right?

I'm gonna drop it off at his place.

[with British accent] 'Allo, okay, I'll take to you later, love.

Sound like a Chihuahua when I do that... 'allo'?

Good evening.

Oh... 102?

Yes?

Ohh... is, is Maronzio here?

No, just I.

And my wife, Elsa and our children, Max and Anika.

Ah, you must be friends of his.

We are renters.

Airbnb.

Airbnb, that son of a bitch.

No wonder he's been staying at my house.

Who, who is the son of the bitch?

Not the chocolate man, we love him.

Is that what you call him? The chocolate man?

Okay, tell the chocolate man that George Lopez is onto him.

He is at his birthday party at a bar.

We are too tired from long flight to go.

I'm sure you are. Wow, he's having a birthday party

and invited people from around the world.

- He's a wonderful man. - [sighs] This guy...

Oh, machine is for Airbnb, hmm.

Are you literally walking the yard?

Yup, it's 10:00 a.m.

Keeping to a schedule keeps you out of trouble.

And exercise keeps you calm.

Well, just do it in the back yard.

You'll scare the gardener.

[exhales]

Lil Yachty, thank you so much for doing the podcast.

I'm a big fan or should is say, "lil" fan?

I love how you took shots at Soulja Boy.

And why go with Soulja as a name?

I mean, we already had Sister Souljah.

It seems like there's a deficit in originality in rapper names.

You're funny, bro.

You gon' get shot, but you're funny.

I mean, like all the littles.

Lil' Boosie, Lil Wayne, Lil Scrappy, Lil' Keke.

Lil Yachty... Well, yeah, I like the Yachty.

Very original, no one is called "Yachty", please keep that.

- Who the hell are you? - I'm Maronzio.

Maronzio.

Now that's a funny name.

Oh, man, Yachty, what's up, dog?

- George. - Excuse me for a second.

Hey, Maronzio, happy birthday.

- Get out of my house! - Why? What's wrong?

You didn't think I was gonna find out you were Airbnbing?

This fool was staying at my house and Airbnbing.

Ay, and you had a birthday party and didn't invite me.

Out!

- George, I just... - Out.

Uh, I'll be right back.

- No, you won't be right back. - Yachty, I'll call you.

No, you won't call him. Go stay with the Swedes, chocolate man.

You hungry?

Brother's gotta eat.

Come on, man. What you doing here anyways?

- Man, I thought this was your podcast. - Is that what he told you?

- That's what he said. - Damn.

Yo, what's up, guys?

Teacher seems nice, huh?

Could you say that again.

- I wanna write it down. - [laughing]

Hey, that's not cool.

I'm just trying to do my best in there.

[mocking] I'm just trying to do my best.

Your best at kissing ass.

[both laughing]

[can hisses]

So, you know, when the network said

theywere excited about doing a show with Coco,

I said, hey, I'm a big fan of her... of Coco's [chuckles].

You know? I said let's bring Coco in.

Then see what Coco has to, to say about Coco's one self.

[nervous chuckle]

So, I think that Coco, you would be a great,

a great addition to the show.

Addition?

As in, like, an afterthought?

Co-star.

Yeah, sidekick.

Mm... equals.

The network is dedicated to equality.

We've been at the forefront of LGTB...

Q, IS and AS rights.

Especially T.

See... [clears throat]

When they called me, they said we've got a show for Coco.

It's about a private eye and it takes place in Mexico.

Oh, yeah, actually, it takes place here,

literally, uh, here in the valley,

you know, where I grew up.

And it's about the people that, uh, live there

and still live there, so, it's, uh, tragic.

There's a little bit of joy.

But it's personal, it's very gritty, very real.

And very relevant.

So, I thought a show for Coco.

As in Coco's show?

As in what I was promised when I signed my deal!

I'm not here to be your token.

- Oh, no. - No...

- You're like the prize. - [crosstalk]

- Coco is stunning, stunning, - Gorgeous.

Um, so... [chuckling]

What do you think, that you're the lead?

Uh, I don't know the old media term for it, George, but I would

never have told people that you were my sidekick.

So, generous, Coco.

Magnanimous is not a strong enough word.

It's, it's very big of you, Coco, but here's the thing.

The show is about a Mexican investigator

and, um...

I'm the Mexican.

But we would never use the M word.

Maybe Latino? Latina? Latin-Z?

[Coco] How about this?

What if George is my informant?

- Love it. - Perfect.

No, it's not perfect because that's not the show.

But we're just blue skying here, right?

So, everything's on the table.

[Coco] I'm glad everything is on the table.

But how about it comes off the table

and into the goddamn script?!

Okay, who the hell does Coco think Coco is?

Excuse me?

Okay, whatever this show ends up being,

do you really think you have the right to tell me

that I can't be the lead in my own show? I paid my dues.

I been in this business for over 30 years.

You were on Vine for, what, six seconds?

And not... they're not even around anymore.

That's right, I checked.

Legal is not comfortable with the tone that this meeting is going.

Of course, not. Coco, listen.

If you don't wanna be a token,

and you wanna be treated like everyone else, pay your dues!

This is a disaster.

It's actionable.

Legal is leaving the room.

And so is Coco.

But there's, you know, chemistry between us, I think?

What's wrong, mi hombre?

School, it's tough, bro.

Oh, you want me to quiz you on some shit?

No, it's my classmates.

They keep teasing me for trying, and this mofo keeps calling me Chico.

I just wanna give 'em a beatdown.

Ohh... And that would be the right thing to do.

But then you would violate your parole, man.

Tsk... [exhales] I wish Psycho Steve was here, man.

He would jack them up real good, right?

Yeah, but he got life without parole.

Hey, did you offer them cigarettes and ramen?

That don't mean anything on the outside.

That's weird.

[sighs]

So, what time do they serve chow around here, man?

I'm hungry.

Seriously, how does somebody who's never done anything

longer than six seconds wanna be lead of a show?

I know.

- Did I just kill the show? - I'm gonna circle back with Rachel.

I think the network will hear where you're coming from on this.

We'll hash it out, don't worry.

- Don't worry? - Hmm.

Hey, did you go to Maronzio's birthday party last night?

Um, I don't remember what I did last night.

I don't remember what I did ten minutes ago.

Who was even in that meeting? I don't know.

- Olly... - Oh, hello? Sorry.

Hello? It didn't ring.

Shh...

So, you went to the party.

Well, it wasn't really a party.

It was, like, a really bad little gathering.

Did you take a gift?

It said not to. But I always do.

So, there was an invitation.

An evite, barely an invitation.

Oh, so was no gifts and don't tell George

on the invitation too?

No... it was a separate email.

Which sounds worse now that I say it out loud, yeah.

Who else was there? Ryan from the coffee place?

What about Jane from next door or the mailman?

- Yeah, they were there. - Oh, my God.

I'm not comfortable talking about this.

Oh, you're not?

Well, then you know what? Then go to school, go on.

Actually, I don't feel good, jefe.

You don't feel good.

Well, feel all right to me...

Wow, are you trying to get out of going to school?

Wait a minute? What am I doing?

You don't wanna go to school? Don't go to school.

Look, George, I know what you're thinking.

Hey, listen, Maronzio, save it, all right? I thought we were friends.

We are friends, George. That's why I didn't invite you to the party.

Because you hate parties. I don't like not being invited.

I was protecting you. That's why I didn't invite you.

Unless you want me to invite you so you can turn me down?

No, no, it's not... It's not like that.

It's exactly like that, isn't it?

You wanna come to the party and stand around

with that sour look on your face and let it be known

that you hate all the people there.

Is it that obvious?

Yeah.

I thought I had... a good poker face.

Okay, listen, I don't, I don't hate people.

I'm uncomfortable at parties. I like people.

And it's not that I wanted to turn you down.

I didn't even wanna go.

But... you know.

I wanted to be invited, just so I kind of know that you...

[clears throat] ...that, you know, you wanted me there.

Look, George, you're tough to talk to

and that's why you're misunderstood.

Yeah, I probably need to work on that.

I love you, George, man.

And if you want, I'll invite you to my party.

You don't even have to come.

Now can I please take my stuff back upstairs?

Yeah, go ahead.

You mean while your place is being rented out?

Yes, while my place is being rented out.

You know, those Swedes, they call you the chocolate man.

Oh, that's how I get my five stars

'cause I put a whole chocolate bar on their pillow.

Chocolate man.

[phone beeps]

Hey, Olly, it's George.

Listen, I think I got... I think I got it figured out.

Can you get me back in the room with Coco?

There's something that I wanna say to...

You know, if I could just sit down and talk...

I'm trying not to say her!

I wanna apologize about the last conversation that we had.

I appreciate that.

Now, I realize I can be difficult to talk to.

Well...

Apparently, no one knows how to talk to me either.

I guess we're both kind of misunderstood.

Yeah.

I'm glad we got the chance to get together again.

And sometimes I overreact.

But I think the important thing going forward is that,

is that we're honest to each other.

Okay.

In all honestly, people say that you're a dick to work with.

Maybe that's true in the past.

But I'm getting, I'm getting better at it.

I'm getting better. Can I tell you a story?

I'm sorry, has this story been vetted?

He's blindsiding us.

When I first started, I got cast as a waiter.

And I was so sure that they were gonna turn me into a busboy,

is that I flipped out.

And I never got to do the wardrobe or, or go do the lines or anything.

But they weren't going to make you a busboy, were they, George?

Oh, they were. They were gonna make me a busboy.

But, you see, the busboy was the more memorable part.

He caught a machete across the face. Everybody remembered him.

And I got demoted to, like, waiter number five.

Okay, this is a great story.

I'm not really sure how it fits into our meeting today, but...

George understands

that I came in here fearful that I'd be marginalized.

That maybe I was just a token

to make sure that the show was relevant?

Legal would never do that.

- No, no. no. - You're gorgeous.

- [crosstalk] - Anyway, I overreacted.

Strutted around like a diva.

Demanded to be a star.

I... a little, a little bit.

But I, I can't speak for the network or the note takers.

But I'll say this, Coco.

I think you would be

a great partner in "Valleys."

Thank you, George

for taking the time to talk to me like a person.

Of course.

I'm all on board, let's do this.

Oh!

And why don't you two get lost?

And learn what a goddamn pronoun is because I don't

put on a bra and heels not to be called she.

- Your hands are so soft. - That's the estrogen.

[George] I mean, you can't be serious.

I find it hard to believe

that your classmates are meaner

than the people in prison.

Most inmates were very respectful.

Well, you can't let the bullies win.

All right, Manolo, so go over there and stand up for yourself.

Those two right there? Those are the ones that are tormenting you?

Yeah.

All right, you wait here.

[door alert pinging]

[door closes]

How you guys doing?

Hey, it's George Lopez!

Wow, it is George Lopez.

What are you doing here, George?

Are you gonna get your GED?

Oh, no, I graduated a long time ago.

Oh, well, excuse me, Dr. Lopez.

[laughing]

Uh, no, I didn't mean it like that.

I'm just, you know, saying... So, you see that SUV?

See that guy in there? He's a, he's a friend of mine.

- He bugs the shit out of me. - All right, well,

you know, he's just a little bit nervous.

So, I'd appreciate it if both of you

would just cut him a little bit of slack.

Maybe we should listen to Dr. Lopez.

- [laughing] - He was, he was very big in the '90s.

- [laughing] - Ha-ha-ha, I've been big since the '90s.

Yeah, right. [laughing]

Just so you know, I'm starting a new show,

very relevant with a transgender sidekick.

[laughing]

Yeah, that'll see the light of day.

Yeah, I better set my TIVO now so we don't miss it.

[laughing]

That's not very nice, come on.

- Crybaby say what? - What?

Huh? Huh?

What?

- You guys are mean. - Aw...

He's sad.

Oh, there goes the hoodie.

Bye, Georgita.

[door alert pinging]

[grunts]

You straightened 'em out, jefe?

Yeah, put 'em in their place.

Wow, man, you know what? You don't look good, dude.

You feel hot. Maybe you should stay home from school today.

You look peaked.

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