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[birds chirping]
2
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[funky guitar music]
3
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They took everything?
4
00:00:04,309 --> 00:00:06,476
The 2x4s. The 4x4s.
5
00:00:06,477 --> 00:00:08,611
The 2x6s. The 2x8s.
6
00:00:08,612 --> 00:00:09,780
Okay, all the wood. I get it.
7
00:00:09,781 --> 00:00:11,248
The nails. The bricks.
8
00:00:11,249 --> 00:00:13,117
The Porta Potti! The Porta Potti!
9
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The Porta Potti... Who needs a Porta Potti?
10
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Find them. Ask them. Kill them!
11
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[sighs] My friend.
12
00:00:18,589 --> 00:00:20,758
You come to this neighborhood
like an innocent lamb.
13
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These people? They see you coming.
14
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- They slaughter you.
- Okay, these people?
15
00:00:24,895 --> 00:00:26,130
Come on, Arton, we can't assume
16
00:00:26,131 --> 00:00:27,697
that whoever did this is from around here.
17
00:00:27,698 --> 00:00:29,265
Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe they are surfers
18
00:00:29,266 --> 00:00:30,801
or soccer moms. Forgive me.
19
00:00:30,802 --> 00:00:33,737
Tomorrow, I'll go to the
Palisades to find the criminal.
20
00:00:33,738 --> 00:00:35,271
Damn these animals! Damn them!
21
00:00:35,272 --> 00:00:38,052
Okay, I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation for what happened.
22
00:00:38,062 --> 00:00:39,676
Yeah. You were robbed.
23
00:00:39,677 --> 00:00:41,612
Yep, they put you out of 20,000 bucks,
24
00:00:41,613 --> 00:00:45,043
and it's only going to get
worse. So we need to build a wall.
25
00:00:45,053 --> 00:00:47,785
Wait a minute. A wall? Last week,
you told me I needed a fence.
26
00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:49,677
Too late. You need a big, concrete wall.
27
00:00:49,687 --> 00:00:52,251
I don't know. Big concrete
wall in this neighborhood?
28
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,860
- Mm-hmm.
- Might seem a little unfriendly.
29
00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:55,699
You don't know if I'm unfriendly.
30
00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,862
But for now, I have bags
and bags of concrete.
31
00:00:57,863 --> 00:00:59,730
I'm a wholesaler, so I can make you a deal.
32
00:00:59,731 --> 00:01:01,508
I stick them deep. Sell them cheap.
33
00:01:01,518 --> 00:01:04,004
All right, you know what? I-I
got to go. I'm meeting Olly.
34
00:01:04,014 --> 00:01:05,234
You mean you're driving to Beverly Hills?
35
00:01:05,235 --> 00:01:07,370
No, I'm a big star. She's coming out here.
36
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:08,605
Manolo, come with me.
37
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I know a place we can lay and wait,
38
00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:10,774
in case they come back.
39
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Let's go.
40
00:01:14,544 --> 00:01:17,548
[upbeat Latin music]
41
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42
00:01:30,012 --> 00:01:33,799
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
43
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,900
So thanks for coming all
the way out here, Olly.
44
00:01:36,901 --> 00:01:38,335
Oh, I had to come out here anyway
45
00:01:38,336 --> 00:01:40,603
for one of my other clients.
She's shooting a webisode
46
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or event series... or like a
"special content" thing for Hulu.
47
00:01:43,931 --> 00:01:45,742
Or Voodoo. Or Juko.
48
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It isn't Juko.
49
00:01:46,743 --> 00:01:48,511
It's not Snapchat.
50
00:01:48,512 --> 00:01:51,448
- Does it matter?
- No. Hold on, I'll get there.
51
00:01:51,449 --> 00:01:54,185
It's like two... "hmm." "Huh"
-"huh."
52
00:01:54,186 --> 00:01:55,751
"App-Pants."
53
00:01:55,752 --> 00:01:56,986
That's not a thing.
54
00:01:56,987 --> 00:01:58,522
I'll table that, in here, for now.
55
00:01:58,523 --> 00:02:00,874
- George, I have great news for you.
- Yeah? So you're gonna try
56
00:02:00,884 --> 00:02:02,440
to stop remembering the name of that app?
57
00:02:02,450 --> 00:02:06,396
Even better. I got you a roast.
58
00:02:06,397 --> 00:02:07,598
Wait a minute. You got me a roast?
59
00:02:07,599 --> 00:02:08,799
All right. Oh, who am I tearing up?
60
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,300
Is it... is it Kim? Kourtney? Kylie?
61
00:02:11,301 --> 00:02:12,735
Who else is in there? Caitlyn?
62
00:02:12,736 --> 00:02:15,538
Impressive list, but even better better.
63
00:02:15,539 --> 00:02:16,717
It's you.
64
00:02:16,727 --> 00:02:18,442
What? Wait, I'm the one getting roasted?
65
00:02:18,443 --> 00:02:20,644
Yeah. Oh, I'm connecting dots.
66
00:02:20,645 --> 00:02:22,780
Vegas. Uh. Uh.
67
00:02:22,781 --> 00:02:24,380
Roasts. Yeah?
68
00:02:24,381 --> 00:02:26,616
Plus, I've been YouTubing
all those Dean Martin roasts
69
00:02:26,617 --> 00:02:29,718
you always talk about. Those
are sweet. Those are fun.
70
00:02:29,719 --> 00:02:30,776
No, well, you know what?
71
00:02:30,786 --> 00:02:32,824
There's a big difference now between, like,
72
00:02:32,834 --> 00:02:35,026
Dean Martin making fun
of Bob Hope's golf game,
73
00:02:35,027 --> 00:02:37,026
and now, where, like,
you have Rob Schneider
74
00:02:37,027 --> 00:02:38,194
in front of a room full of people
75
00:02:38,195 --> 00:02:40,031
live on television calling me a beaner.
76
00:02:40,032 --> 00:02:41,899
But he's allowed to say
that because he's married
77
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:44,100
- to a Latina.
- You're missing the point.
78
00:02:44,101 --> 00:02:46,503
Roasts are vicious, and
whoever's being roasted...
79
00:02:46,504 --> 00:02:47,872
Those things are humiliating.
80
00:02:47,873 --> 00:02:49,439
Well, that's what show business is.
81
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:50,539
It's nonstop humiliation,
82
00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:52,042
so suit up and get in the game.
83
00:02:52,043 --> 00:02:53,132
I don't want to get in that game.
84
00:02:53,142 --> 00:02:55,042
George, a Comedy Central roast
85
00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:57,145
could help you with the Vegas residency
86
00:02:57,146 --> 00:02:58,480
and get you in with the younger audience,
87
00:02:58,481 --> 00:02:59,881
all at the same time.
88
00:02:59,882 --> 00:03:01,649
I mean, we are talking
about the Meltdown crowd,
89
00:03:01,650 --> 00:03:02,917
the Netflix, the Seeso,
90
00:03:02,918 --> 00:03:04,953
the Laffblast... Laffblast is it!
91
00:03:04,954 --> 00:03:06,654
That's the one. I found it.
92
00:03:06,655 --> 00:03:09,357
It's Laffblast. But "Laff" is with two Fs.
93
00:03:09,358 --> 00:03:10,759
That's a horrible name.
94
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,794
Yeah, well, they are running out of names.
95
00:03:12,795 --> 00:03:14,429
'Cause there's too many apps.
96
00:03:14,430 --> 00:03:16,146
Are you in? Or are you out?
97
00:03:16,456 --> 00:03:18,733
Yeah... Don't move your head.
98
00:03:18,734 --> 00:03:20,770
Yes, okay? All right, I'll do it.
99
00:03:20,771 --> 00:03:22,337
Oh! Oh, good. Awesome.
100
00:03:22,338 --> 00:03:23,539
I will reach back to them.
101
00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:25,540
Come on. "Reach back"?
Nobody even talks like that.
102
00:03:25,541 --> 00:03:26,675
Mm-hmm.
103
00:03:26,676 --> 00:03:28,476
Wow. So this place...
104
00:03:28,477 --> 00:03:29,878
This is all Mexican food, then.
105
00:03:29,879 --> 00:03:32,080
Oh, my God, yeah. You
know, the healthy choices...
106
00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:34,649
They're on the back, right there.
107
00:03:34,650 --> 00:03:35,892
Okay.
108
00:03:36,553 --> 00:03:38,320
That's very funny.
109
00:03:38,321 --> 00:03:40,856
[playful Latin music]
110
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- [slurps]
- It's gonna be great,
111
00:03:43,082 --> 00:03:44,857
and since I don't have a lot of time,
112
00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:46,130
they're hooking me up
with a team of writers
113
00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:47,161
to get me roast-ready.
114
00:03:47,162 --> 00:03:48,797
Thought everyone would
just tell jokes about you?
115
00:03:48,807 --> 00:03:51,366
Yeah, but at the end,
116
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:52,901
you get to hit back.
117
00:03:53,241 --> 00:03:55,525
I don't know if I like
roasts. They sound mean.
118
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:58,256
I don't mind mean, as long as it's funny.
119
00:03:58,257 --> 00:04:01,226
Hey, where's that cup
that we bought off the TV
120
00:04:01,236 --> 00:04:02,760
that lets you eat cereal in the car?
121
00:04:02,761 --> 00:04:05,429
[upbeat Latin music]
122
00:04:05,430 --> 00:04:06,898
So you guys are my roast writers?
123
00:04:06,899 --> 00:04:09,267
Everybody say sup to George.
124
00:04:09,268 --> 00:04:10,467
- Sup?
- Hi, George.
125
00:04:10,468 --> 00:04:12,160
That's Bill,
126
00:04:12,170 --> 00:04:13,206
Mike,
127
00:04:13,216 --> 00:04:14,263
Other-Mike,
128
00:04:14,273 --> 00:04:15,827
and Other-Josh.
129
00:04:15,837 --> 00:04:19,143
- I'm OG Josh.
- Original gangsta!
130
00:04:19,144 --> 00:04:20,444
All right. Hey, nice to meet you guys.
131
00:04:20,445 --> 00:04:22,814
It's good to see that diversity talk
132
00:04:22,815 --> 00:04:24,381
is working out in this office.
133
00:04:24,382 --> 00:04:27,285
[laughter]
134
00:04:27,286 --> 00:04:29,621
Well, we're excited AF to meet you.
135
00:04:29,622 --> 00:04:32,761
Oh, we got Anthony Jeselnik
to host, which is awesome.
136
00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:35,727
- He's my boy!
- Awesome!
137
00:04:35,728 --> 00:04:37,694
And we're casting a wide net
138
00:04:37,695 --> 00:04:39,164
for some awesome roasters.
139
00:04:39,165 --> 00:04:40,965
We're reaching out to Leslie Jones.
140
00:04:40,966 --> 00:04:43,133
To Jim Norton. To Helen Mirren.
141
00:04:43,134 --> 00:04:45,869
- Helen Mirren? Did I hear you right?
- I said "wide net."
142
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:48,506
Now, I know you were
joking about diversity.
143
00:04:48,507 --> 00:04:51,104
- Yeah, not really, but okay.
- Well, we just got this great guy,
144
00:04:51,114 --> 00:04:54,612
right off the Crimson, to
write especially for you.
145
00:04:54,613 --> 00:04:55,847
And...
146
00:04:55,848 --> 00:04:57,749
he's Latino.
147
00:04:57,750 --> 00:04:59,049
All right. Cool.
148
00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:00,652
Let me meet him. Where is he?
149
00:05:00,653 --> 00:05:01,954
Right here.
150
00:05:03,622 --> 00:05:04,821
You're Latino?
151
00:05:04,822 --> 00:05:06,090
They call me Blanco.
152
00:05:06,091 --> 00:05:07,972
Here's some jokes. Thank me later.
153
00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,693
Gracias, Se?or Blanco.
154
00:05:09,694 --> 00:05:11,462
De welcome.
155
00:05:11,463 --> 00:05:13,030
156
00:05:13,031 --> 00:05:14,564
Are you Latino too?
157
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:16,418
Uh... just Blanco.
158
00:05:16,428 --> 00:05:18,185
Latino!
159
00:05:18,771 --> 00:05:20,884
160
00:05:21,048 --> 00:05:22,840
All right.
161
00:05:22,841 --> 00:05:24,016
This is going well.
162
00:05:24,026 --> 00:05:25,592
All right. Can I look at these in the car?
163
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:26,626
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
164
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:28,261
- Gracias.
- Gracias, yeah.
165
00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:31,498
[playful music]
166
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,267
[intercom buzzing]
167
00:05:33,268 --> 00:05:37,537
168
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:40,541
[upbeat Latin music]
169
00:05:40,542 --> 00:05:42,475
170
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:45,313
Mr. Lopez, hi. I'm Josh Banks.
171
00:05:45,314 --> 00:05:46,614
Of course you're Josh.
172
00:05:46,615 --> 00:05:49,349
You look like you're selling
something I'm not interested in.
173
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,746
[laughs] Joke, right?
174
00:05:51,756 --> 00:05:54,621
They warned me you do those,
but I'm not a salesman.
175
00:05:54,846 --> 00:05:56,852
I've been hired to handle your audit.
176
00:05:57,170 --> 00:05:59,727
- My taxes?
- No, no.
177
00:05:59,936 --> 00:06:01,328
Your jokes.
178
00:06:01,329 --> 00:06:03,397
179
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:06,145
- Mind if we go inside?
- Yeah. All right.
180
00:06:06,155 --> 00:06:08,034
[gate buzzes]
181
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:13,709
182
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:18,326
[upbeat Latin music]
183
00:06:18,691 --> 00:06:19,892
It's pretty simple, really.
184
00:06:19,893 --> 00:06:21,126
I had somebody at the office
185
00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:22,955
transcribe all your jokes.
186
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:25,291
Now, we'll just go over
them with a fine-tooth comb
187
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:27,670
to ascertain their time and place of origin
188
00:06:27,671 --> 00:06:29,805
to make sure they didn't
originate during your marriage.
189
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,475
I can't believe my ex-wife
hired you to do this to me.
190
00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,343
Maybe because you pissed her off.
191
00:06:34,344 --> 00:06:36,225
That's why we got
divorced. Isn't that enough?
192
00:06:36,235 --> 00:06:39,431
Nope. Should have done what the
Coldplay guy did with Gwyneth.
193
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,149
You know. Unconscious coupling.
194
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:43,286
I think you mean conscious uncoupling.
195
00:06:43,287 --> 00:06:45,856
Unconscious coupling is date rape, cochino.
196
00:06:45,866 --> 00:06:47,886
Oh, yeah, my bad. [chuckles]
197
00:06:47,896 --> 00:06:49,524
I wasn't hired by your ex-wife.
198
00:06:49,525 --> 00:06:51,894
I was hired by your lawyer
and business manager.
199
00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:54,797
You see? I knew those
guys were all in cahoots.
200
00:06:54,798 --> 00:06:58,166
Sending in the assassins to carve
me up like some Christmas turkey.
201
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:01,237
No. No, no, no. I'm not sure
that's what assassins do,
202
00:07:01,238 --> 00:07:02,738
but, rest assured, I'm here to do
203
00:07:02,739 --> 00:07:05,390
the opposite of carving you up. Really?
204
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,543
My job is ensuring there
are no possible claims
205
00:07:08,544 --> 00:07:10,012
against your material.
206
00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:12,000
You know, my material... I
write all that stuff myself.
207
00:07:12,010 --> 00:07:14,548
Yes, but if you came up with
jokes while you were married,
208
00:07:14,549 --> 00:07:17,120
they could potentially be
seen as community property,
209
00:07:17,121 --> 00:07:18,553
no matter when you exploit them.
210
00:07:18,554 --> 00:07:21,757
Exploit it. That...
you... you mean tell it?
211
00:07:21,758 --> 00:07:24,012
- For money. Yes.
- But listen, man, how in the world
212
00:07:24,022 --> 00:07:26,320
am I supposed to remember
where every joke came from?
213
00:07:26,330 --> 00:07:28,663
I'll bet you remember more than you think.
214
00:07:28,664 --> 00:07:31,334
Let's try this joke of yours, for example.
215
00:07:31,335 --> 00:07:33,668
"I was at lunch with this 'cabron.'"
216
00:07:33,669 --> 00:07:36,504
[Lopez and Manolo chuckling]
217
00:07:36,505 --> 00:07:38,374
I think you meant to say cabron.
218
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,942
Some kind of drug dealer reference?
219
00:07:40,943 --> 00:07:42,310
[chuckles]
220
00:07:42,311 --> 00:07:45,447
No, it's like a schlemiel.
Like a, like a...
221
00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:47,321
- Dumbass.
- Yeah, a dumbass.
222
00:07:47,331 --> 00:07:49,616
I'm pretty sure I thought of
that one at a Thanksgiving dinner.
223
00:07:49,626 --> 00:07:51,536
- Was your wife there?
- Yeah, she would be there.
224
00:07:51,546 --> 00:07:53,355
Then you were married.
225
00:07:53,356 --> 00:07:55,490
So it goes in this pile.
226
00:07:55,491 --> 00:07:57,625
Okay, look... listen, man,
I appreciate all of this...
227
00:07:57,626 --> 00:07:59,795
This is great... I can't
hang around here all day
228
00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:01,497
and do this, okay, 'cause I've got to prep
229
00:08:01,498 --> 00:08:03,568
- for the celebrity roast.
- That's great.
230
00:08:03,578 --> 00:08:04,769
I'll... I'll tag along.
231
00:08:04,779 --> 00:08:06,112
Oh, goodie.
232
00:08:06,113 --> 00:08:07,382
I'll take the SUV.
233
00:08:07,383 --> 00:08:08,648
Thought you got to drive a Chebby.
234
00:08:08,649 --> 00:08:09,649
I do, but you don't.
235
00:08:09,650 --> 00:08:10,718
Come on, cabron.
236
00:08:10,719 --> 00:08:11,851
Yeah.
237
00:08:11,852 --> 00:08:15,223
238
00:08:15,224 --> 00:08:17,591
[thunder rumbling]
239
00:08:17,592 --> 00:08:19,026
240
00:08:19,274 --> 00:08:21,372
I swear he wrote "cholo" on purpose.
241
00:08:21,382 --> 00:08:23,630
It doesn't say "cholo." It says "Manolo."
242
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,607
Nah, that's definitely a "CH." Look.
243
00:08:25,608 --> 00:08:27,109
Come on, dude. You're too sensitive.
244
00:08:27,110 --> 00:08:29,344
Okay, George, this joke
doesn't even make sense.
245
00:08:29,345 --> 00:08:31,781
An 11-month-old
couldn't answer the door.
246
00:08:31,782 --> 00:08:34,215
Okay, listen, Josh, it
doesn't have to make sense.
247
00:08:34,216 --> 00:08:35,617
It just has to be funny. All right?
248
00:08:35,618 --> 00:08:37,087
And as far as you're concerned,
249
00:08:37,088 --> 00:08:38,854
it only matters if it made money.
250
00:08:38,855 --> 00:08:40,957
No, it's about control of the material.
251
00:08:40,958 --> 00:08:43,959
It's possible she could claim
you and she are 50/50 partners.
252
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,101
Control? So I can't use any of these jokes
253
00:08:46,111 --> 00:08:48,731
without her permission? That's not fair.
254
00:08:48,732 --> 00:08:51,400
She couldn't use them without
your permission, either.
255
00:08:51,401 --> 00:08:53,636
Sounds like you need some new jokes, jefe.
256
00:08:53,646 --> 00:08:54,882
[funky club music]
257
00:08:54,892 --> 00:08:56,640
My roast writers suck.
258
00:08:56,641 --> 00:08:58,634
It's all Abraham Lincoln
jokes with these guys.
259
00:08:58,644 --> 00:09:00,195
- Harvard guys.
- Yeap.
260
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:01,161
How can you tell?
261
00:09:01,171 --> 00:09:03,997
It's all Lincoln, robots,
and astronaut jokes
262
00:09:04,007 --> 00:09:06,370
with those dudes. There's a Skylab joke.
263
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,394
George, why don't you just
take jokes from your road act
264
00:09:08,404 --> 00:09:10,558
and tailor them for the roast?
265
00:09:10,568 --> 00:09:11,596
That bit about your grandmother
266
00:09:11,606 --> 00:09:13,573
would be a perfect shot at Lisa Lampanelli.
267
00:09:13,574 --> 00:09:15,141
Yes, I'm very aware, Maronzio.
268
00:09:15,142 --> 00:09:17,611
But I cannot, because... Josh?
269
00:09:17,612 --> 00:09:20,246
Well, that particular joke
was conceived during the time
270
00:09:20,247 --> 00:09:22,515
of his matrimonial union.
271
00:09:22,516 --> 00:09:25,017
I got to go to my San Fernando house.
272
00:09:25,018 --> 00:09:26,628
Uber him home.
273
00:09:26,746 --> 00:09:28,689
I told you I don't drive for Uber anymore.
274
00:09:28,690 --> 00:09:30,557
- Get him a cab!
- No problem!
275
00:09:30,558 --> 00:09:32,147
I've got a Lyft account.
276
00:09:32,157 --> 00:09:33,961
There's always a problem with this guy.
277
00:09:33,962 --> 00:09:36,163
He does seem a little intense.
278
00:09:36,164 --> 00:09:40,833
279
00:09:41,129 --> 00:09:43,632
Arton. What's the big 911 call all about?
280
00:09:43,633 --> 00:09:44,849
I built a wall.
281
00:09:44,859 --> 00:09:46,342
You're looking at what's left of the wall.
282
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:47,471
They stole my wall?
283
00:09:47,481 --> 00:09:49,536
These GD animals.
284
00:09:49,537 --> 00:09:51,073
I mean, nice neighborhood people.
285
00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:53,165
And then, the other day,
I set up a security camera,
286
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:54,743
- but...
- They stole it?
287
00:09:54,744 --> 00:09:56,911
I fell asleep in my
hidey-hole. I apologize.
288
00:09:56,912 --> 00:09:58,577
Yeah, no, it's all right.
Don't worry about it.
289
00:09:58,587 --> 00:10:00,317
- But do you think I give up?
- No.
290
00:10:00,327 --> 00:10:01,826
No, I don't give up.
291
00:10:02,217 --> 00:10:04,905
I didn't in my homeland. I don't now.
292
00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:07,241
- Understand?
- Nice wall, Lopez.
293
00:10:07,251 --> 00:10:08,956
Got to keep the Mexicans out.
294
00:10:08,957 --> 00:10:10,859
What's up with those dudes?
295
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,862
Let me call my IED guy. He's
a miracle worker. Hold on.
296
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,562
Improvised explosive device.
297
00:10:15,563 --> 00:10:16,897
I know what it is... hey!
298
00:10:16,898 --> 00:10:19,585
No, no... Put that one on the back burner.
299
00:10:20,730 --> 00:10:23,052
- So this joke...
- Yeah, the gardening one?
300
00:10:23,062 --> 00:10:25,363
Yeah, Mencia used that
one a lot in his act.
301
00:10:25,364 --> 00:10:27,664
I thought of that one
when I was on my honeymoon.
302
00:10:27,871 --> 00:10:31,501
Damn, I can't use that
one, either. Son of a...
303
00:10:31,502 --> 00:10:34,186
Maybe you ought to skip the coffee,
jefe. You seem a little tense.
304
00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:36,168
Okay, pretty much every joke I've written
305
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,816
is somehow connected to my life, okay?
306
00:10:37,826 --> 00:10:40,389
I was married for almost 20 years.
307
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:41,858
I need a whole new act.
308
00:10:41,868 --> 00:10:45,609
Look, there is another way.
309
00:10:45,610 --> 00:10:47,812
We could get her to sign a release form
310
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:51,363
allowing free use, so that we
can provide indemnification.
311
00:10:51,373 --> 00:10:53,930
I don't know, she still
might be angry at George.
312
00:10:53,940 --> 00:10:55,405
- She might be.
- Oh, she is.
313
00:10:55,415 --> 00:10:57,561
Well, maybe you need to apologize.
314
00:10:57,571 --> 00:10:59,474
I mean, George, is it fair to assume
315
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,994
maybe you weren't the best husband?
316
00:11:02,004 --> 00:11:04,080
- A little more than fair.
- Yeah.
317
00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:06,339
Well, maybe you can be a great ex-husband.
318
00:11:06,349 --> 00:11:09,122
A lot of people are able to
defuse things by apologizing.
319
00:11:09,132 --> 00:11:12,370
A simple, heartfelt, honest apology.
320
00:11:12,371 --> 00:11:13,693
Are you kidding, man? That...
321
00:11:13,703 --> 00:11:16,141
That's harder than coming
up with an entirely new show.
322
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:17,683
Is it really, George?
323
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:20,179
All you have to do is look her in
the eye and tell her you're sorry.
324
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,379
Haven't I been saying the same thing, jefe?
325
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:24,416
[snaps fingers] I'ma apologize.
326
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,118
I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry.
327
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,652
Yep, but...
328
00:11:27,925 --> 00:11:30,455
I don't think I have to do it eye to eye.
329
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:32,405
I think I've got something better.
330
00:11:33,375 --> 00:11:35,926
- I'll use the roast.
- How exactly?
331
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:37,929
Like what Justin Bieber
did. That's what I'll do.
332
00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:39,998
I'll stand there, and
I'll take all the abuse.
333
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:41,465
And then when it's my turn to talk,
334
00:11:41,466 --> 00:11:42,695
I'll stand there and I'll say,
335
00:11:42,705 --> 00:11:45,996
"I want the world to know
how very, very sorry I am
336
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,563
to a very, very lovely woman."
337
00:11:48,573 --> 00:11:50,508
There won't be a dry eye in the house.
338
00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:52,242
How can she not be touched by that?
339
00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:55,387
Wow, that's a pretty grand gesture, George.
340
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,507
Maybe a little complicated.
341
00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:01,218
Hey, desperate measures
for desperate times.
342
00:12:01,228 --> 00:12:03,163
Olly's been texting me
a list of all the people
343
00:12:03,164 --> 00:12:05,032
that have signed up to be on the panel.
344
00:12:05,033 --> 00:12:06,975
I haven't had a chance to read them yet.
345
00:12:06,985 --> 00:12:08,735
A-ha! Lisa Lampanelli,
346
00:12:08,736 --> 00:12:09,925
the Queen of Mean.
347
00:12:09,935 --> 00:12:11,847
Bob Saget. Jay Leno.
348
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,667
- Jay Leno?
- He really hates George.
349
00:12:13,677 --> 00:12:15,708
Okay, I hate him. All right?
350
00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:17,910
Erik Estrada. That guy's
not even a comedian.
351
00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:19,979
He just doesn't like me.
352
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:21,313
Donald Trump.
353
00:12:21,314 --> 00:12:23,951
Okay, this isn't a roast. It's an assault.
354
00:12:26,259 --> 00:12:27,979
Antonio Villaraigosa. Carlos Mencia.
355
00:12:27,989 --> 00:12:29,990
Donald Trump. These people hate me.
356
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,459
Oh, man, everybody's
piling on for this roast.
357
00:12:32,469 --> 00:12:33,594
But you can't back out.
358
00:12:33,604 --> 00:12:35,856
No, of course not. It's my grand gesture.
359
00:12:35,866 --> 00:12:37,386
Apologize on national TV,
360
00:12:37,396 --> 00:12:39,665
and get on with my life. Get my act back.
361
00:12:39,666 --> 00:12:42,590
Yep. Got to do it. No backing out.
362
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,870
Oh, man. Eddie Griffin just signed on.
363
00:12:44,871 --> 00:12:46,338
[laughing]
364
00:12:46,339 --> 00:12:48,173
Eddie says he has a separate document
365
00:12:48,174 --> 00:12:50,509
just for ex-wife kidney jokes.
366
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,810
Do you have something you need to tell me?
367
00:12:52,811 --> 00:12:53,865
No.
368
00:12:53,875 --> 00:12:55,613
[bar music playing]
369
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,351
Okay, I gave him jokes. It's a job, George.
370
00:12:59,352 --> 00:13:01,953
All right, you're helping
Eddie write slams against me.
371
00:13:01,954 --> 00:13:03,303
That's cool. Let me hear one.
372
00:13:03,313 --> 00:13:06,257
Okay, George Lopez is like Taco Bell.
373
00:13:06,258 --> 00:13:10,661
No one with taste likes
it, and it's Mexican.
374
00:13:10,662 --> 00:13:11,800
That's not funny.
375
00:13:11,810 --> 00:13:13,560
You could picture Erik Estrada saying it.
376
00:13:13,570 --> 00:13:14,961
- [sighs]
- Hm.
377
00:13:14,971 --> 00:13:16,036
Oh, man. You know what?
378
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:18,303
I think I need to say something
funny before I apologize,
379
00:13:18,304 --> 00:13:20,309
or else it's gonna sound
like I'm whining about all
380
00:13:20,319 --> 00:13:23,442
the pressures that I'm under. And
I'm all twisted from the joke audit.
381
00:13:23,443 --> 00:13:26,390
I got nothing, man. I'm... I'm dead.
382
00:13:27,045 --> 00:13:29,145
You should go talk to him, then.
383
00:13:29,549 --> 00:13:30,849
No.
384
00:13:31,213 --> 00:13:33,626
- Joke Pusher?
- Your only hope.
385
00:13:33,636 --> 00:13:36,288
Desperate measures for desperate times.
386
00:13:36,289 --> 00:13:41,892
387
00:13:41,893 --> 00:13:44,895
[dramatic Western music]
388
00:13:44,896 --> 00:13:50,896
389
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,417
Joke Pusher. What's up?
390
00:13:56,242 --> 00:13:58,175
Okay, we don't need the small talk.
391
00:13:58,176 --> 00:14:01,312
You took the stool. We
both know why you're here.
392
00:14:01,313 --> 00:14:03,425
You need something for the roast, right?
393
00:14:03,435 --> 00:14:05,949
- Yeah, let's see what you got.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
394
00:14:05,950 --> 00:14:07,418
That's not how it works.
395
00:14:07,419 --> 00:14:10,426
You give me money, and
then I give you an envelope,
396
00:14:10,436 --> 00:14:12,197
and then you open the envelope,
397
00:14:12,207 --> 00:14:14,126
and then you see the joke.
398
00:14:14,127 --> 00:14:17,562
You want me to pay for
a joke that I can't see?
399
00:14:17,563 --> 00:14:18,842
I get no complaints.
400
00:14:18,852 --> 00:14:22,534
Sinbad is very satisfied
with my business practices.
401
00:14:22,535 --> 00:14:24,902
Dennis Miller, he threatened me physically,
402
00:14:24,903 --> 00:14:26,438
he wants to see it first,
403
00:14:26,439 --> 00:14:28,446
but you know who doesn't
have any billboards
404
00:14:28,456 --> 00:14:30,523
between here and Morongo?
405
00:14:30,533 --> 00:14:33,444
- Dennis Miller?
- Yeah, exactly.
406
00:14:33,445 --> 00:14:34,775
All right.
407
00:14:36,010 --> 00:14:37,975
This stuff is good, though, right?
408
00:14:38,121 --> 00:14:39,951
Oh, it is gold.
409
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:44,722
That's the one, huh? All
right. Hey, like Johnny Carson.
410
00:14:44,723 --> 00:14:46,011
Who?
411
00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:47,923
Nothing.
412
00:14:52,765 --> 00:14:54,634
Hey, all right.
413
00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:00,318
Really?
414
00:15:00,328 --> 00:15:03,689
Escape rooms. They're very popular.
415
00:15:03,699 --> 00:15:06,724
Rich people pay money to get locked up.
416
00:15:06,734 --> 00:15:10,188
From there, it's just a quick leap
to a metaphor about Wall Street.
417
00:15:10,198 --> 00:15:13,129
Yeah, well, you should be
in San Quentin for this.
418
00:15:13,139 --> 00:15:14,950
That's good. You're already shaping it.
419
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,961
Making it your own.
420
00:15:17,897 --> 00:15:22,632
It's all in reverse, bro. You've
got the punch line first. Damn.
421
00:15:22,633 --> 00:15:25,636
[funky Latin music]
422
00:15:25,637 --> 00:15:28,204
423
00:15:28,205 --> 00:15:29,440
[tires screeching]
424
00:15:29,441 --> 00:15:31,208
Ha-ha! I got the giraffe cart.
425
00:15:31,209 --> 00:15:32,776
Crap, look out for the drop.
426
00:15:32,777 --> 00:15:33,945
[car crashes]
427
00:15:33,946 --> 00:15:35,894
What's wrong, jefe?
428
00:15:35,904 --> 00:15:37,602
Oh, man, it's the roast.
429
00:15:37,612 --> 00:15:39,249
Because of the popularity of it,
430
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,252
man, they're adding another hour to it.
431
00:15:41,253 --> 00:15:43,286
- Sounds good.
- No, it's not good.
432
00:15:43,287 --> 00:15:45,548
They want to put it on Pay-Per-View
so the insults can be uncensored
433
00:15:45,558 --> 00:15:49,292
and the audience at home can
tweet insults while the show is on.
434
00:15:49,293 --> 00:15:51,760
- Why do it, then?
- Well, I have to do it.
435
00:15:51,770 --> 00:15:52,984
You know, I have to apologize to your mom
436
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,210
and get her to sign this document.
437
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,666
Wait, wait, wait, so
you're going to apologize
438
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:58,143
to Mom on live TV for being an asshole?
439
00:15:58,153 --> 00:15:59,671
Yes, I know. It's a grand gesture.
440
00:15:59,672 --> 00:16:02,026
It's a dumb gesture. You're
just going to piss her off more.
441
00:16:02,036 --> 00:16:04,629
- Well, can't do it face-to-face.
- I don't get it, jefe.
442
00:16:04,639 --> 00:16:06,385
You get up in front of
millions of people on TV,
443
00:16:06,395 --> 00:16:09,852
- but you can't do it to her face?
- No, that's why I'm a comedian.
444
00:16:09,862 --> 00:16:10,991
This is pathetic.
445
00:16:11,001 --> 00:16:14,023
Yeah, and self-loathing,
but you're welcome.
446
00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:16,358
You think she's right, Josh?
447
00:16:16,368 --> 00:16:18,543
Yeah, you've got a better
shot at getting this done
448
00:16:18,553 --> 00:16:19,859
if you do it in person.
449
00:16:19,869 --> 00:16:21,721
And if I do it face-to-face,
I can keep my act.
450
00:16:21,722 --> 00:16:25,114
I wouldn't have to subject
myself to this public humiliation.
451
00:16:25,124 --> 00:16:27,794
Then why do it, jefe? They're
gonna be really mean to you.
452
00:16:27,795 --> 00:16:29,395
You know, you're right.
I'm gonna call my manager
453
00:16:29,396 --> 00:16:31,846
and see if I can get out of this thing.
454
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:36,242
Well, I'm getting her voicemail.
She's away from her desk.
455
00:16:36,252 --> 00:16:38,302
That... leave a message, right?
456
00:16:40,196 --> 00:16:41,426
Hey, Olly. It's George.
457
00:16:41,436 --> 00:16:42,992
Listen, get me out of this roast.
458
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:46,201
No ifs, ands, or buts,
okay? Just do it. Bye.
459
00:16:46,513 --> 00:16:47,961
Can I leave the message?
460
00:16:50,475 --> 00:16:52,096
All right. Hey, hey, hey.
461
00:16:52,106 --> 00:16:53,685
I'm out. Whoo!
462
00:16:53,686 --> 00:16:55,154
I'm out of the roast.
463
00:16:55,155 --> 00:16:56,623
Okay! Let's go!
464
00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:57,991
Where are we gonna go?
465
00:16:57,992 --> 00:16:59,658
Now we got to do your apology.
466
00:16:59,659 --> 00:17:01,161
In person.
467
00:17:02,779 --> 00:17:07,031
[downbeat fusion music]
468
00:17:07,041 --> 00:17:09,644
- She got rid of the chimney.
- It had so much character.
469
00:17:09,645 --> 00:17:11,812
Nobody needs a working
fireplace in Los Angeles,
470
00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:14,103
- but still.
- She even painted the whole house.
471
00:17:14,113 --> 00:17:16,447
Yeah. Now the brown's on the outside.
472
00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:17,977
I'm sure she's happy.
473
00:17:19,063 --> 00:17:21,652
Hey, you been dropping any new
music in the studio or anything?
474
00:17:21,653 --> 00:17:24,814
All right. Quit stalling,
guys. Get out there. Apologize.
475
00:17:24,824 --> 00:17:27,325
Get the release signed,
and you are free and clear.
476
00:17:27,326 --> 00:17:30,332
The sooner you get something
done, the sooner it is over.
477
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:32,030
I saw a "may-may" that said that.
478
00:17:32,031 --> 00:17:33,480
A "may-may"?
479
00:17:33,490 --> 00:17:36,267
Yeah, one of those
pictures with words on it.
480
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,903
A meme. Okay, I'm going in.
481
00:17:39,904 --> 00:17:41,226
I'd rather deal with this
482
00:17:41,236 --> 00:17:43,408
than have to listen to
you talk about "may-mays."
483
00:17:43,409 --> 00:17:44,708
I'm here to help, jefe.
484
00:17:44,709 --> 00:17:46,748
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
485
00:17:47,714 --> 00:17:53,083
486
00:17:53,477 --> 00:17:55,581
You got this, jefe.
487
00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:57,564
Meme.
488
00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:01,421
- No, it's "may-may."
- I think it is "meme."
489
00:18:02,628 --> 00:18:06,063
- [glass shattering]
- [lively music]
490
00:18:06,073 --> 00:18:08,151
All right, that didn't work. Let's go.
491
00:18:08,161 --> 00:18:09,829
I'm gonna need a whole new act.
492
00:18:09,830 --> 00:18:11,730
George, you're a funny, funny man,
493
00:18:11,731 --> 00:18:14,468
and I know you can easily
come up with a whole new act.
494
00:18:14,478 --> 00:18:16,235
He's right. You can do it, jefe.
495
00:18:16,236 --> 00:18:19,337
Yeah, I can do it. Just really
happy I don't have to do this roast.
496
00:18:19,338 --> 00:18:21,372
Now, let's get the hell out of here.
497
00:18:21,382 --> 00:18:23,676
[upbeat Latin music]
498
00:18:23,677 --> 00:18:25,308
499
00:18:25,318 --> 00:18:27,084
George, everybody texts and e-mails.
500
00:18:27,094 --> 00:18:29,154
- Nobody checks voicemail anymore.
- Really? Okay.
501
00:18:29,164 --> 00:18:30,830
I thought this was going to be canceled,
502
00:18:30,831 --> 00:18:34,090
and now all I have to defend
myself with are Blanco's jokes.
503
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,818
[giggling]
504
00:18:35,828 --> 00:18:39,298
Oh, man, I'm curating the tweets
for the roast, and they are great.
505
00:18:39,308 --> 00:18:41,743
- And this is just the run-through!
- I know, I saw some of them.
506
00:18:41,744 --> 00:18:43,206
Hey, how come they have to be so mean?
507
00:18:43,216 --> 00:18:44,983
Because they hate you,
okay? But hate is good.
508
00:18:44,984 --> 00:18:46,230
Hate is great. You know?
509
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,833
- People respond to hate.
- Okay.
510
00:18:47,843 --> 00:18:49,221
I'm locking down an e-publishing deal
511
00:18:49,222 --> 00:18:50,822
for the most vicious
ones. It's gonna be good.
512
00:18:50,832 --> 00:18:52,216
Ooh. I feel like, legally,
513
00:18:52,226 --> 00:18:54,910
I should probably notify
the FBI about that one.
514
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,409
You got burned.
515
00:18:56,419 --> 00:18:57,866
- George, what's up, man?
- Babyface!
516
00:18:57,876 --> 00:18:59,063
- What's up, man?
- Oh, man, I'm glad you're here.
517
00:18:59,064 --> 00:19:02,100
You got your guitar? I need some
soul to just kill some of this
518
00:19:02,101 --> 00:19:03,769
viciousness that's going on in this room.
519
00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:06,003
Actually, I got some jokes.
I'd like to try 'em out.
520
00:19:06,004 --> 00:19:07,939
- Really?
- Yeah. I mean, I'd like to try some.
521
00:19:07,949 --> 00:19:09,975
- Could I?
- Yeah, all right.
522
00:19:09,985 --> 00:19:12,254
I heard George tried to
get out of this roast.
523
00:19:12,264 --> 00:19:15,688
He tried to run like El
Chapo, if El Chapo was drunk.
524
00:19:15,698 --> 00:19:17,158
- [laughter]
- Oh, better.
525
00:19:17,168 --> 00:19:18,287
- Wow.
- I like that.
526
00:19:18,297 --> 00:19:20,857
You like that? Hold on. Got another one.
527
00:19:20,867 --> 00:19:22,666
Hey, which side is my liver on?
528
00:19:22,676 --> 00:19:24,570
I need to keep it away from George.
529
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,390
- [laughter]
- 'Cause I like to drink?
530
00:19:26,391 --> 00:19:28,025
Here's my best one.
531
00:19:28,026 --> 00:19:29,750
I've known George for a long time.
532
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,329
That's true. That's my man right there.
533
00:19:31,330 --> 00:19:33,282
- And he's an asshole.
- [both laughing]
534
00:19:33,292 --> 00:19:36,167
Strong closer. That's my favorite.
535
00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:37,702
Babyface, that's not even a joke.
536
00:19:37,703 --> 00:19:39,898
No, but that's the genius
of it, man. You know?
537
00:19:39,908 --> 00:19:43,144
- Everybody laughs at that one.
- All right. You guys gonna hit me?
538
00:19:43,154 --> 00:19:44,804
I'm gonna hit you guys.
539
00:19:44,814 --> 00:19:47,468
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
540
00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:49,999
Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar.
There's a robot lady at the end.
541
00:19:50,009 --> 00:19:52,081
She says, "You want to
get your cylinder bl..."
542
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:54,019
Damn you, Blanco! I got nothing.
543
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:55,553
- I'm gonna get annihilated.
- Yikes.
544
00:19:55,554 --> 00:19:58,228
Look who made it back
over Trump's wall.
545
00:19:58,238 --> 00:20:00,369
George Lopez! [applause]
546
00:20:00,419 --> 00:20:04,969
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