All language subtitles for Lopez s01e02 George Takes a Hike.eng

(Latin hip-hop music)

Hey, guys.

Should I even open this?

They don't even have naked
pictures of girls in here anymore.

Why do they even wrap it in plastic?

That's a good question.
Man, on Saturday nights,

you used to be able to
go to the liquor store

have a whole display of magazines.

"High Society," "Cherry,"

- "Swank."
- That's ri... hey,

- what's up with this fool, man?
- Oh, no.

- Manuelo, hey. George in there?
- Dude are eyeballing us.

- Should I stop?
- Nah, you know what, keep going, go.

George, so what's
going on with the trees?

- Do they have porn magazines anymore?
- Hey, George.

- Geor... George. I see you.
- You thought about this a lot, huh?

I got the number of an arborist.

- You lonely, boss, or what?
- Maybe a little, yeah.

- You need to start dating.
- But how, man?

Dating is, uh... it's
even more confusing

because everybody's meeting online.

Nobody goes out anymore.
They all date on the apps,

and the apps are
confusing, man. I got some.

It's all pictures, no information.

Why don't you just try it, jefe?

(upbeat Latin music)

Synced and corrected by johnyd13
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, wait a minute.
I got one. She swiped right.

And she sent a picture.
Dude, check that out.

- Look at that.
- Oh, damn, she's hot. Huh?

- "Can you come over right now?"
- Ooh.

- Wh... where are we?
- Coming up on Camden.

Okay, Camden. Make a left on Camden.

You only got about 20 minutes, though.

Afternoon delight.
I could make that work.

Come in.

(soft music)

Oh, uh, is Stephanie here?

- I'm Stephanie.
- You are?

Um... that's you right there?

- Maybe.
- Uh...

- Listen, George...
- Oh.

We are gonna have fun.

- I... don't take...
- Believe me,

Bob Saget never complained
or Bobcat Goldthwait.

If you say Gilbert Gottfried
I'm never... okay.

Mm, come on. What's your pleasure?

- Baby oil?
- No, um...

- Powder?
- What's happening...

- Is that a video camera?
- This? Phone just shakes too much.

- We gotta use this...
- (speaking Spanish)

Wait. Hey. Hey! Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, where are you going? (scoffs)

(Latin hip-hop music)

- So, jefe, how'd it go?
- (laughs)

Not good. Now I'm late
for nothing. Let's go.

Whoo.

Oh, my God. Sorry I'm late.
The traffic was crazy.

I checked Waze. It looked
like a light traffic day.

Oh, except for the traffic on the
way to Stephanie M's apartment.

(speaking Spanish)

Wh... how do you know about Stephanie?

Because I live in this century.

A half hour ago she tweeted
that you had sex with her.

Well, I... nah, I didn't.

Well, that's probably why she's upset.

Look, I believe you, but
no one else out there will.

I spend half my time
putting out Internet fires.

If a client isn't having embarrassing

and compromising photos
of them put out there,

they're blogging
something sexist or racist.

Wow, who do you represent?

Look, if you want this Vegas residency,

you need to use social media
to broaden your audience,

not piss them off, okay? Show
them that fun, accessible George.

Yeah, that... that's...
That's what I do.

I sent a tweet today. I
put a picture on Instagram.

- You didn't check it out?
- Oh, I did.

And if I were a 55-year-old
black or Latino man,

wearing a hat or smoking a cigar,
I'd feel right at home.

Listen, I'm working on getting

the top branding guy in the
biz to come work for you,

but in the meantime, just
work on your posting, okay?

Do some funny behind-the-scenes
bits with your funny friends.

Bring your audience into your life,
but not to have sex or wear hats.

(light cheers and applause)

What's up with the residency?
Are we getting it?

That I don't know. It's up in the air

because Holly says I have,
uh... social media issues.

Really? I don't know about that.

I've been reading a
lot about you lately.

- (exhales) (chuckles)
- What is this, George?

You're on a dating website.

You're George Lopez. You
don't go on dating websites.

Okay, I haven't dated in a long time.

- I get it.
- I don't go out a lot.

So I thought, "Let me put my
stuff on that," you know?

But I thought it was anonymous, man.

- I didn't even use my real name.
- You didn't.

'Cause you used George L.

And a picture of you in
front of Caesars Palace

with your name above the marquee.

So how am I supposed to meet
a girl that likes me for me?

- Like, the real me?
- You don't.

Look, George, this is
how you solve your problem:

You should date another celebrity

because celebrities understand
what you're going through

because they having the same
exact problem that you're having.

Yeah, but which one? Let's see,
Eva Longoria's engaged...

- Yes.
- Sofia Vergara,

- language issue...
- She don't speak English.

- Salma Hayek...
- Yeah.

Uh, Jessica Alba's married.
So that's it. That's my list.

God, I love Salma Hayek. But
you know if you date a celebrity,

she doesn't have to be Latina, George.

- You could think outside the box.
- Well, not with my fan base.

You're a celebrity. When
celebrities date other celebrities,

the whole race thing disappears.

It's like celebrities
have their own race.

No, I just need to find
a girl who's cute,

smart, and doesn't
know anything about me.

Well, good luck trying
to find that in LA.

How about this? Let's...
let's scale back a little bit,

and how about you just get a dog first.

A rescue dog. A little puppy.

Some unconditional love.

Pet rescue. That's cool.

You know, the great thing
about having a dog is,

it's like a built-in excuse to go home

or to get away from people.
Like when Erica's a baby,

'member I used to say she had colic...

- Yeah.
- And I would just take a plate

and go home? And dogs, they still
sniff each other. They keep it real.

- They don't use Twitter.
- (laughs)

But you know they're gonna think
you're there for a pit bull.

They aren't gonna give you a dog.

Fool, nobody thinks like that
no more. Man, be positive.

We're not gonna give you a pit bull.

Okay, that's funny.

Uh, I'm George Lopez. Okay?

- I didn't introduce myself.
- Ooh, hi.

I'm still not gonna give you a pit bull.

Do all Mexicans have pit bulls, huh?

Is my head shaved? Do I
have a tattoo on my neck?

Listen, man, I just want
a dog as a companion.

It's not that simple.

What do you mean,
"It's not that simple"?

Well, I have to ask you
a lot of questions first.

- A lot of questions.
- Seriously? Like what?

Have you had a drink today?

You're not gonna give me a dog, are you?

(upbeat music)

Hey, what was with all
the questions and that dude?

- That dude's insulting.
- You want me to go back

- and take care of this fool?
- Nah, I can...

Come on, man, you're gonna
get me in trouble, dude.

You still want a dog?

- Yeah, I still want a dog.
- I know where to get one.

I don't want a pit bull, though.

What you doin', man? You shop here?

Where do you think the cucumbers
from my pickles come from?

I'm not gonna make them
with supermarket vegetables.

Check it out. Pet rescue
center's right over there.

I'll catch you in a minute.
I'm gonna go grab me some basil

- 'cause my guy always leaves by noon.
- All right.

(dogs panting and whimpering)

He is so sweet. We
found him about a year ago,

and he's... he's been
looking for a home, so...

- Yeah... hey.
- Yeah.

You look like you could use a dog.

- (both laugh)
- Yes.

Yes, I could. How can
you... how can you tell?

Do I look sad or
something? I'm not crying.

- (both laugh)
- No, no.

Just from my point of view,
everyone can use a dog.

- Ah.
- That's why I do this.

You know what, you do good work.

I went to the Sanctuary
League to try to get a dog,

- uh, guy gave me a hard time.
- God, the Sanctuary League.

They do great work, but they can be
very strict. You know, I get it.

You work with abused
and abandoned animals,

and you can really
start to mistrust people.

Yeah, how about, uh... how about you?

I try to stay optimistic.

They thought I wanted a pit bull.

Oh, my God, because you're Hispanic?

It's so embarrassing.

I'm like, "Man, I just want a
companion, not a pit bull."

You know what?
I know just the dog for you.

- Yeah?
- Benny.

Ah, Benny. Hey, Benny.

Yeah, I think the name is appropriate.

- Yeah, why?
- Uh, Jack Benny.

He's, like, a older comedian,

but I'm more like, Richard
Pryor or Freddie Prinze.

I could name him Prinze,
but then they'd think

I'd name him Prince.

- I'd have to correct everybody.
- Right.

Well, you can name
him whatever you like.

We just give them temp names
so we're not calling them all "Dog."

- Oh, great.
- It would be confusing.

- Uh, by the way, I'm Shelia.
- Oh, hi, Sheila.

I'm George. Yeah, George Lopez.

- Oh, pleased to meet you, George.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.

- Well, I gotta start packing up here.
- Oh, okay. Uh...

- Can I help?
- Oh, I won't say no.

Okay, um, if you "won't
say no" then how's, uh...

How about dinner, maybe?
Something to drink?

How about a hike? Hmm?

- With your new friend Benny?
- A hike. I love hiking.

- That's how my family got here.
- (both laugh)

- Oh, God.
- Okay, fine. Come on, Benny.

She's just a regular girl,
and she doesn't know who I am.

She must be white.

No, man, she wants to go out with me

because of me. That's a rush.

Before, I never knew why
John Lennon fell for Yoko Ono,

but now, I'm starting to get it.

Are you comparing
yourself to John Lennon?

- In, like, a Latino way.
- Who's a Latino John Lennon?

Uh... Jose Feliciano. I don't know.

All I know is, this is
the best day of my life.

I got a dog. I got a date.

I just gotta make sure she doesn't
find out who I am too soon.

- She's going to Google you.
- I'm just glad he's dating.

Yes, and I'm not saying white is good,

but it's definitely not bad.

Post some pictures.

(grunts) (panting)

- Is that Steven right there?
- Yeah, I think it is.

What's he got going on?

Hey, Manolo, this is why
I don't trim my trees,

so I don't have to look at this.

This? This is a zero water landscape,

so future generations, your grandkids,

won't have to drink their own pee.

I can't believe you still
have grass, George.

Oh, what's next Steven?

You gonna put a washing machine
right there in your yard?

- Or maybe a car on blocks.
- Uh-huh.

Hang some paint cans from a tree.
Be like Christmas all year round.

Ha-ha.

It feels good to do the
right thing, George.

I don't understand.

Come on... no, not there. Come on.

You gotta go to the bathroom?
You gotta go, Benny?

Here.
You gotta go potty?

Oh, yeah.

- Right on the rocks.
- Yeah.

Vato's got two piles now.

Hey, Erica, meet Benny.

- Got a dog?
- Yep, that's my new companion.

Great. Dad, look.

I have some really great news.
I'm going to take a gap year.

A gap year? What... that's great
because you can save money,

they give a discount on clothes.
Any irregulars, bring 'em,

like, big ones that nobody wants.

Dad, I'm not working at the Gap.

I'm taking a gap year.
You know, a year you take off

before going off into college
to find out who you are.

- Bethany is doing it...
- Oh, I know she's your friend,

but I don't like the way
she puts herself out there.

Okay, yeah, so she's a whore,
but I'm not into slut shaming.

I hope this wasn't anybody's sandwich.

Of course it was.
Okay, hang on a second.

Didn't Bethany already graduate?
Why are we talking about this?

Because I'm going to take a gap
year, in the middle of high school.

- Nobody does that.
- 'Cause it doesn't make any sense.

I took a gap year once.
I just never went back.

That's your role model. You're
not dropping out of high school.

Of course not.
I'm going to take a year

to find out who I am and what I want.

- Who you are and what you want.
- Yeah, and when I go back to school,

I am going to be so freaking cool.

- Check it.
- Okay, what's that?

- Boundless Horizons, what's that?
- Yeah, it's, like, Cuba's the place.

It's, like, all beaches and poor people;

not sad poor people like in India.

Really? Oh, wow. You know,
let me think about it. No.

You're not dropping out.
You're not gapping out.

You're not dropping into a gap,
but if you work at a Gap,

I'll be right there. I'll drop
you off every day. Final.

Okay. We'll talk about this
later. Enjoy your dog.

Why would we talk about this
later if I said it was final?

- Nobody listens to me.
- I'm still hungry.

Dude, what do you got? A tapeworm?

I'ma find out where
my taxpayer money is going.

They don't feed you
guys in County no more?

Man, what do they wear to go hiking.

When I go on a date,
I like to wear on a suit

'cause it looks like you're on a date.

This thing just looks like
we're occupying Wall Street.

I think they make suits
with short pants.

Nah, only black guys
can get away with that

and the guitar player
from AC/DC. (laughs)

You look good, boss. Maybe a hat?

Ah, man, Holly told
me not to wear a hat.

(sighs) You think that girl Googled me?

Man, you still worried
about all the bad stuff

- that angry woman said?
- Well, yeah, because look,

if she doesn't show up,
it's gonna be because she saw it,

but if she does show up,
it could be because I'm famous.

What about when you're
little, pick a flower:

"Loves me, she loves me not,"

and if she hates you,
get another flower.

I'm never gonna be in love.
Goddamn Google!

(hip-hop music)

- (dog barking)
- (George panting)

Okay, come one, Spot. (sighs)

You know, I haven't been eating gluten.

I can really feel the difference.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Great, so we made it
right over that pass.

Oh.

And then we just go one
more. Right over there.

We should probably...

Benny looks like...
he's getting a little winded.

We should probably give him a...

Huh, Benny, you need a little break?

Yeah. He looks like he's...

- tired.
- Yeah, Benny looks like he's

- about to have a stroke.
- Yeah, he does.

Okay, Benny, you look like
you could use a...

Okay, why don't...
we can take a little break.

Come on, Benny. (groans)

- (laughs)
- So, did you, uh, Google me?

Isn't that what girls do
when they meet somebody new?

(laughs) No.

I think people should
get to know each other,

you know, face-to-face.

- Like this.
- Yeah, this is great.

- It is.
- Just two normal people out

enjoying each other for who they are.

(both laugh awkwardly)

Um, so tell me about yourself.

I mean, all I know is that
you have a cute dog named Benny.

Yeah, uh, well, you know,
I'm... I'm from

over that, you know, ravine there.

There's, like, a Latino community.

- Oh.
- Sheila?

- Nice to see you out of the office.
- Oh, my gosh, hi.

It's nice to be out of the office.

I think the museum would
fall apart without her.

Oh.

Oh, this is my friend George.
He just adopted Benny here.

Oh, hello there, Benny. You're so cute.

So what you guys up to today?

- Oh, my God, cramp.
- Oh, um, I...

Ow, excuse me. I'm getting a cramp.

Oh, I gotta keep moving.

Uh, okay. Well, it was
great to see you guys.

- Yeah, bye.
- Okay.

Bye.

- That was weird.
- Oh.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm good... ow.
- Yeah?

- So you work at a museum, uh?
- Yeah, the Getty.

The art museum, not
the villa. What about you?

Uh, I just think I sat down too fast.

No, silly, what do you do?
Where do you work?

Oh, I don't do anything.
Well, I do lots of things.

I shouldn't say anything, but I
just too many things to talk about.

I don't want... it's so beautiful.
I don't want to bore you.

You're in between jobs?

Well, I'm kinda always in between jobs.

- You're unemployed?
- No, I work.

I just... I just don't want to brag.

Brag? Look, the economy's tough.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not ashamed. Uh, you know, Sheila,

I'm, um...

I'm a comedian.

- A what?
- Like, a comedian.

Ah, okay.

Look, George, I admit that I
did feel a connection with you,

and I don't mean for this
to sound harsh, but...

I don't think I can handle

another relationship
with a struggling artist.

I mean, they're harder than
the animals I rescue.

Okay, but here's the thing,
I'm not struggling.

I've had success,
like, a lot of success.

I had my own sitcom.

I had my own talk show.

- Wow, the lying started
even faster than usual.

- I'm sorry, I...
- Wait a minute, don't leave.

Don't leave. Don't leave. Google me.
You know what, I'll Google myself.

Okay, uh... I don't have any reception.

How can I be in the city
and not have reception.

Um, but when I do get bars

and you see, I...
you're gonna be impressed.

I get it, George, your life is on hold

until you get that big break, right?

But if that big break
doesn't come fast enough

or it doesn't come at all,
then you get more and more bitter,

and more and more resentful.

You been hanging around
the Comedy Store? It's like...

George. You gotta be
well over 50 years old.

I mean, if it was gonna happen,
it would of happened.

Yes, but it did. Wait a minute,
where's that guy you work with

'cause he was looking at me
like, "Are you George Lopez?"

That's what he was gonna say.
I mean, it happens all the time.

You know... hey, girl... girls?
It's George Lopez.

How you guys going?
From the... "Lopez Tonight,"

- and my sitcom.
- Why are you doing this?

Because I want people
to like me for who I am

- and not because I'm famous.
- I have no idea who you are.

Wait a minute, don't Latinos hike?

Latinas! (speaking Spanish)

Oh, my God, there's gotta be
a maintenance crew out here

- or a black somewhere.
- A "black"?

Wow. Okay. All right,
I really do need to go,

and I hope that you find what you need.

I really do.

I thought I did.
Come on, Benny, let's go.

- Check it out. It's George Lopez.
- It is George Lopez.

- I know, right? Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, where were you two minutes ago?

Come on, she's gone.

Let's go home.

(mellow music)

(hip-hop music playing
on tablet)

You know, it's actually pretty good.

Yeah, I just need to figure
out how to make it go viral.

- Hey.
- Hey, jefe, what's up?

- What's happening?
- Dad, I need my deposit

for Boundless Horizons
or I could lose my spot.

Wait a minute,
I said no to the gap year.

Yeah, but Mom said yes,

and if she hadn't given you
a kidney, you'd be dead,

- so I think that answers that.
- That's not true.

There were people on
the list that the...

Look, Dad, I'm not gonna be
hanging around the beach all year.

I'm gonna be helping poor people

get food and water and stuff.

Okay, listen, we have
an embargo with Cuba,

and this is how it works:
They send us baseball players,

and we keep our teenagers.

Jefe, jefe, your manager just called me.

I think she thinks I'm your assistant.

Well, what'd she say?

Oh, she called to say that we got
the branding dude she wanted.

You got a meeting tomorrow
at 10:00.

All right. Eh, next time, so you
don't forget, tattoo it on your arm.

- Nice place.
- Sheila.

Can I come in?

- Uh, yeah. Come on in.
- Okay.

Wow.

It's really nice. (laughs)

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Um, I owe you an apology

for literally running off earlier.

I got freaked out.

It's the, uh, ghost
of loser boyfriends past.

Yeah, well, you know what, I understand.

I was gonna run after you,
but Benny was exhausted.

Yes, I think we have to get Benny
hiking on a more regular basis.

Yea... yeah. You know, yes.

We need to get Benny in shape.

So, we can give it another try?

Yeah. Let's... let's
give it another try.

Only if it's, like, a date.

- That's fair enough.
- No running off.

- No.
- All right.

(both laugh)

So, hey, uh, how did you find me?

- Oh, I Googled you. Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

- I know everything about you now.

- I don't like that.
- Mm-hmm.

What about the newest one?
What about the lady tweeting?

- I didn't do...
- George...

- I don't...
- If you knew

all the things I've done
trying to connect to people,

it would... make your head spin.

All right, that scares me.
But also, I'm intrigued.

- Good.
- We got some crazy combination.

Well, I'll... I'll text you my number.

- All right.
- Okay.

Yeah, you know what?
I'm sorry, it was...

I'm a lit... great.
I'm glad you came by.

I am too. I am too.

- I'll see ya.
- Okay, bye.

- So, jefe,

how you know if she likes you for
you and not because you're famous?

I won't.

Well, amigos, here we are
at casa de George Lopez.

Hey, is that another unsatisfied
female customer for George?

(laughs) Give her a round of applause

for getting out of there.
Come on, let's go. Good job.

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