Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

Morning, campers! (Imitates rooster crowing)

Hope you all had a good night's stay at Camp Hi-Joe-Watha!

Boiled eggs are in the bucket.

I got your shower tickets here

'cause it really smells like a lot of you guys could use these.

Joseph Rooney! What is going on?

I turned our backyard into a campground.

No, I can see that. I guess what I was wondering is,

why did you turn our backyard into a campground?

To make some coin so I can buy my tickets for SPARF.

SPARF stands for Stevens Point Awesome Rock Festival.

It is the musical event of the summer!

Last year, One Direction headlined, and I got my picture taken with Zane,

back before he broke this Directioner's heart.

Mom, your son is a genius.

Every hotel in town is booked.

The money that I'm making is going to get me into the festival,

where Andy Grammer is performing.

Mom, can you stand it?

No, but I can end it.

Have them all gone by the time I get home,

and you, sir, are grounded for a week.

Give me back my hat.

I'll get my shorts later.

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo

B... B... Better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high tops

- Oh, no

Slam dunk, ready or not

Yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

You dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

When you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

When you say stop

All I want to do is go go go

You you, the other half of me me

The half I'll never be-e

The half that drives me crazy

You you, the better half of me me

The half I'll always need

But we both know

We're better in stereo.

Both: Liv, help.

Both: Sorry, you go.

- I need to talk about Holden. - I need to talk about Diggie.

Both: Sorry, you go.

I am so glad that you came to me.

We girls need a tribe that we can count on.

Okay, Andie, you start.

Well, Holden and I bought tickets to SPARF before we broke up.

Diggie and I bought tickets to SPARF before we broke up.

(Gasps) Same-sies.

All: Whoa!

I know, right?

(Chuckles)

What do you want, Todd Stetson?

Just to brighten your day one chiseled ab at a time.

Drink it in, Glasses.

Beat it, Beef Jerky.

I have to hit the weight room anyway.

It's my abs-iversary.

Four years and the six-pack is still going strong!

(Mouths)

(All groan)

Okay, back to your dual dilemmas.

Andie, do you still want to go to SPARF?

No.

If I go, Holden will be there,

and if I don't go, then I'll just be at home alone, thinking about him.

Okay, what you need is a break-up intervention.

Give your tickets to Holden, I will not go to SPARF,

and you and I will have a super-fun girls' weekend instead!

I once did a break-up intervention for South Salamanca.

That's my co-star on...

Sing It Loud!

By the end of the weekend, she was so over her ex, you don't even know.

She just says that a lot. "You don't even know."

Ooh, that is really fun.

You'd give up SPARF for me?

That's the nicest thing anyone's done

since my brother took that garter snake out of my hair.

I just don't know how to respond to you when you say things like that.

So, moving on, Maddie, do you still want to go to SPARF with Diggie?

Um... maybe.

I don't know.

Both: She totally knows.

Okay. Yes.

I still want to go to SPARF with Diggie, but if I ask him and he says no,

I'm going to feel like a doofus.

It's bad enough that I already got dumped.

I don't want to feel like a dumped doofus.

Okay, so then don't ask him.

Just talk to him, you know? See what he's feeling.

Suss out the sitch.

Yeah, I can suss.

Consider it sussed.

(School bell rings)

(Celebratory music playing)

Aw!

Jerk-tourage, you remembered my abs-iversary!

Yo! Look who scored free tickets to SPARF, courtesy of Liv.

Apparently, she's doing some stupid girls' weekend

because Andie is still super upset about being dumped on live television.

(Scoffs)

Girls can be so sensitive.

I know, dude! So sensitive.

So, do you want to go with me? And please don't say no, man.

It's going to break my heart.

Well, I do enjoy watching you cry,

but not as much as I'll enjoy being at SPARF!

Both: Oh, we're going to SPARF

We're going to SPARF

- Okay, now!

- We're going to SPARF

I'll take those.

But those are my tickets to SPARF.

Yes, but you're grounded, remember?

Oh, I didn't think you meant for SPARF, too.

You meant SPARF, Mom? It's SPARF!

Joey, look at me.

Your punishment will go from one week to the entire summer

if you so much as step foot on the festival grounds.

Parker, honey, enjoy the festival.

Well, no Andy Grammer concert for this Grammer Jammer.

Hold on. Maybe there is a way.

My noggin smells a challenge.

You heard them.

I can't step foot on festival grounds, Parker.

There is no possible way for me to go.

Challenge accepted!

Right, noggin? My noggin says yes.

(Inaudible dialogue)

Hey!

Have not talked to you in a while.

I've just got to find out if Diggie wants to go to SPARF with me

without asking Diggie if he wants to go to SPARF with me.

I've just got to suss out the sitch.

So...

Our SPARF tickets came. (Chuckles)

Oh, yeah.

We bought those together when we were...

Both: Together.

Yeah.

So, the ticket... the-the-the... uh, the-the tickets...

what do you... what do you want to do about these tickets?

What do I want to do? I want to go to the concert with Maddie.

But I don't know if she wants to go with me.

It's time to become Diggie Smalls, teen detective.

Well, I don't know, Maddie. What do you... want to do?

(High-pitched voice) I mean, I guess I could give you the tickets,

if you wanted to take... someone.

Yes! Nice wordplay, Maddie.

I mean, (Scoffs) like, clearly, that someone is me.

Okay. Yeah, no, there is...

someone I want to take.

Nailed that. She clearly knows I mean her.

What does he mean? Who is this "someone"?

(Gasps)

Does he want to take someone else?

Play it cool, girl.

Well, maybe I want to take someone else!

Wait, what? You have someone else?

Maybe I do.

Okay, well, you know what? Fine. Why don't you just go with them?

Maybe I will!

Why'd you even ask me if I wanted the tickets?

So that I could... tell you who I'm going with!

Fine. Go ahead. Tell me. Who?

Yo, Glasses, I flexed so hard, my sleeves fell off.

I'm going to SPARF with Todd Stetson.

Right?

Yeah, we are.

Stacy!

We're a no-go for SPARF. Todd got an upgrade.

Later, Dillie.

It's Diggie.

(Doorbell rings)

I'm ready for a girls' weekend.

Thanks for the ride, Grandma!

(Engine revs)

(Tires screeching)

Andie, I am so excited that you're here.

I have so many great ideas.

First, we are going to start by painting each other's toenails all kinds of exotic patterns,

or all black for you,

and then... (Giggles)

Stop!

Only dolphins can understand you right now.

Sorry. I'm just so excited.

I know, but I have an idea that will definitely get my mind off Holden.

I want to do...

this.

You want to volunteer at the slaughterhouse?

Even better.

We're going to the dump to collect scrap metal

for a weekend welding extravaganza!

(Indifferently) Yay. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, if-if rusted, filthy metal

is what is going to heal that broken heart of yours, then I am in.

Thank you. (Screams)

(Laughs nervously) Wow.

These are heavy.

Yeah, well, you want them thick so that the rats can't chew through.

Best girls' weekend ever!

Hey, Munch, I figured out a way around your grounding.

You're going to SPARF without stepping foot on anything.

(Gasps) Did you find a magic ring in an ancient cave

that bestows the power of levitation to its guardian?

- No. - Oh.

Just stop munching out and follow me.

Welcome to Air Parker, offering daily non-stop service to SPARF.

This chair is just going to float me to the concert?

And your feet will never touch the festival grounds.

Which means that I am not breaking the rules of my grounding!

Parker, you're a genius!

Wait, is this another elaborate prank to launch me into low earth orbit?

I'm not going to lie. It crossed my mind.

But don't worry, I'll keep you tethered with this leash,

and can pull you around while we SPARF our brains out!

I want to high-five your noggin!

High-five away.

Aw.

All right, you ready? Comfortable?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nice lumbar support.

Aw, a cup holder? That's so thoughtful.

Yeah, man, I am ready for liftoff!

Oh, I'm floating! Wee!

(Electronic music playing)

Maddie, how epic is SPARF?

(Camera clicks) Yeah, it's great.

Um, I could actually use a hand.

No can do, boo.

I got one hand for my selfie stick and one for my thumbs up.

(Camera clicks)

Yeah, um...

So...

this was a mistake.

Um, I'm just going to go.

- Hey, Rooney. - Diggie.

Oh! Diggie showed up!

Yes! The thought of Todd Stetson and me is killing him.

Almost as much as it is killing me.

Hey, Diggie.

'Sup?

Oh, stuff.

Lots of stuff.

(Chuckles) Okay.

Um, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm doing the same thing you're doing, you know.

Enjoying the concert.

With my date.

You... You brought a... With your... your-your date...

What-What-What date? Who date?

(Girl singing) Oh, you don't even know

South Salamanca?

(Giggles)

Liv's Hollywood friend who tried to steal Diggie from me last time she was here?

He brought her?

(Raspy voice) Diggie done, done me wrong.

(Squeals)

(Screams)

South.

- Maddie! - South!

You're in Stevens Point at a concert with Diggie!

What? South was in town so I asked her to come.

Okay, that's a lie. I tracked her down in L.A.

and used my savings to fly her out

because she annoys Maddie as much as Todd annoys me.

I'm not proud.

I'm a little proud.

Double date selfie!

(Camera clicks)

Okay. (Chuckles) There it is.

A bunch of slimy, rusted metal.

It's kind of funny I had to go to the dump to get over being dumped, huh?

Ha. So funny.

I think you know what we need to do now.

Take a shower that lasts for days

and scrub with steel wool but never quite feel clean?

No.

We weld!

(Electronic music playing)

South Salamanca? Are you for real?

Oh, it doesn't get any realer.

All I wanted to do was go to SPARF with Diggie,

and now, I am stuck with Todd Stetson, and Diggie is with South Salamanca.

Ha!

You know, I'm just going to say it.

You biffed this, Mad Dog.

Biffed it bad.

Dig-a-licious!

(Giggles) I've got a treat for you.

It's so good. You don't even know!

Her voice is like a thousand tiny hammers clubbing my head.

You did this to yourself, Dillie.

Okay. Oh, thank you! You're just going to feed it to me. All right.

- So good. - Uh-huh. Yup.

Best popcorn ever. So yummy.

Thanks.

(Fake laughs) Oh, Toddie?

Would you open my lemonade for me with your abs?

(Sighs) Abs-olutely refreshing.

I can also grate cheese if you need it.

(Gasps)

Ooh! Open mine with your abs, Diggie Boo Boo.

(Fake laughs)

Okay. Sure thing, babe.

Here I go. Just...

Oh, is that a Kardashian?

Where?

(Squeals)

Look at us.

Four best friends hanging out at SPARF.

Glasses, Dillie, Shortie McHot Pants, and Todd Stetson up in this piece.

Yeah.

I am having so much fun up in this piece!

Oh, not as much fun as I'm having up in this piece!

Is that a challenge?

Oh, what? You want to dance, Rooney?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Let's dance.

(Dance music playing)

Let me see you wiggle, get low

Get low

Get low

(Cheers)

Move it to the side-side-side

Let me see you wiggle, get low

Get low

Get low, get low

Get low

Let me see you wiggle, get low

Get low

Get low

Get low

Let me see you wiggle, get low

Both: I win.

Now let me see you drop

So, you've met Todd, but have you met Ron and John?

Ooh! Your chest is so smooth.

You're like a super ripped baby.

(Squeals)

Let me see you wiggle, get low

Yeah!

Weekend welding project complete!

Yay!

Are you completely over Holden?

- Yes! - Yay!

Then why does your sculpture look kind of like Holden playing his guitar?

I don't know!

Okay, so maybe you're not completely over him?

Guess it's back to the dump.

No! No, no, no.

No. Um...

What else do you do when you're upset?

Smash stuff.

Smash away, my very violent friend.

(Metal being crushed)

Whoo!

Are you over Holden now?

One sec.

Now, I am.

Great!

Ooh, how about we go get those manicures?

(Truck horn honking)

Sorry, my mom's here to pick me up.

But this was awesome, Liv.

Thanks.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey.

I, um, came by with a peace offering.

I opened it with my hands.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I really never wanted to come here with Todd Stetson.

I'm sorry, too. I didn't want to come with South either.

(Mocking) "You don't even know!"

Hey, is there...

any way that we could just enjoy the concert together

even though we're not, like...

together?

That'd be really cool.

You don't think, uh...

Todd or South will mind, do you?

And this is me eating kale.

This is me bench pressing a wolf.

Something tells me they'll be fine.

They'll be fine.

Man: Ladies and gentle-teens, it's Andy Grammer!

(Cheering)

Stevens Point!

Are we ready to rock SCARF?

SPARF? Really?

Okay. Let's do this.

Nah, nah, honey, I'm good

I could have another, but I probably should not

I got somebody at home

And if stay, I might not leave alone

No, honey, I'm good

I could have another, but I probably should not

I gotta bid you adieu

To another, I will stay true

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

I will stay true

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

I will stay true

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

True

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

It's been a long night here

And a long night there

And these long, long legs, yeah, they're everywhere

Hold up now

You look good, I will not lie

But if you ask where I'm staying tonight

I gotta be like, "Oh, baby, no, baby

"You got me all wrong, baby

My baby's already got all of my love"

So, nah, nah, honey, I'm good

I could have another, but I probably should not

I got somebody at home

And if I stay, I might not leave alone

No, honey, I'm good

I could have another, but I probably should not

I gotta bid you adieu

To another, I will stay true

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

I will stay true

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

I will stay true

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

I will stay true

Ooh, ooh, ooh-woo-woo

I will stay true

(Cheering and applause)

South Salamanca?

I got dibs, Todd!

You're releasing me into the atmosphere! I knew it!

(Voice fades out) Parker!

Sorry I forgot to call you yesterday, buddy.

Happy abs-iversary.

Hope it was a good one.

I'm home. I'm home.

I'm home. Back on solid ground!

Hello, Father.

I assume additional punishment will be administered.

I won't say a word to your mother...

if I get to take a ride.

Oh, hop on, Dad!

All right. Bon voyage, Father.

And remember, don't text and float.

How do I work a grill?

Joey's voice: Ron and John?

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