Original subtitles

Synced and corrected By Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

I assume you've heard.

That Ridgewood is hosting a battle of the bands?

Of course I have. Have you?

I wouldn't have just said that if I hadn't.

Who are you texting?

No one. You?

No one.

(Snaps fingers) Minions, secret bistro meeting.

What do you want, Artie?

To put the band back together.

Artie and I weren't always sworn enemies.

In seventh grade, we were in a band.

Correction. We were in the most awesome band ever.

We called ourselves acne.

Our rock anthem pop the pimple was number one on the middle school charts.

Who knows how far we could have gone?

But we broke up because somebody had a bit of an ego.

Ego; "E" for excellence, "g" for greatness, and "o" for "oh, I'm so good."

So will you say yes to a reunion?

I don't want to say it.

I wanna sing it.

(Snaps fingers)

Don't leave it alone, pop, pop the pimple

stain your mirror good, pop, pop the pimple

(Shouts)

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo

b... b... better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high tops

- Oh no

slam dunk, ready or not

yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

you dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

when you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

when you say stop

all I want to do is go go go

you you, the other half of me me

the half I'll never be-e

the half that drives me crazy

you you, the better half of me me

the half I'll always need

but we both know

we're better in stereo.

Oh! Hey, Andie.

I have a prezzie for you.

No way. A bejeweled welding mask.

This'll go great with the bejeweled blow torch you gave me last month.

I know!

I can't wait to show Holden.

Holden. You know, the boy that I secretly like and I was about to ask out,

but then Andie asked him first 'cause she didn't know I liked him,

and now I have to avoid him because he's dating my friend

and every time I see him I get the crushies?

That Holden.

Liv, we haven't hung out much lately.

Do you wanna go mini golfing after school?

I don't really know about that.

I really only spend time with people who have bejeweled welding masks.

(Shouts) I have one of those.

Hey, Andie. Hey, Liv.

Hey, Holden.

Liv's going mini golfing with us after school.

- Oh, awesome. - Oh. (Laughs)

We're going with Holden.

Wait till you see how amazing he is.

- You're amazing. - No, you are.

Stop.

(Laughs)

Aw. Oh! Wow, I just realized

I have... I have stuff to do after school.

And I also have things.

Aw, well, that's a bummer, but okay.

- Definitely another time. - Okay.

When you're done with your things.

(Laughs) Don't forget the stuff.

- Crushies? - I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay. Three, two, one.

Of course I've got the crushies, Maddie.

It happens every single time I'm around Holden.

And I want to hang out with Andie. She's just...

she's always with him.

I don't know. What do I do?

Liv, I think just until you get over your feelings for Holden,

you just need to find something that you and Andie can do without him, you know?

- What up, my twins? - Hey!

(Kisses)

- Who wants to join me in the battle... - I'm in!

- Of the bands? - No, I'm out.

How about you, Liv? You sing while I kill it on the drums?

Wills, I didn't know you played the drums.

Yeah, took it up recently.

Needed something to beat with a stick

to release your pent up frustrations about Joey not returning your affections?

Why won't he love me, Liv? Why?!

Anyways, the battle. What do you think?

I think that Andie plays the bass,

and if we were in a band together, we could hang out without Holden.

You know, he's the guy that I secretly like

and I was about to ask out, but...

wait, I totally already told you guys this.

Oh, hey, Andie, Willow and I are starting a band.

Do you want to be in it?

You bet I do. A band with my girls?

Yes! We have a band.

- Yay! Ow! - Oh!

Oops, wrong twin. Help me.

Where's nimbus? We need to do a sound check asap.

Pardon me, have you seen my vectron fuel cell?

I left it in here after the hovercraft races.

- It's about yay big and yay deadly. - (Laughs)

You gifted and talented kids crack me up.

Hey, give us a mic check.

Sure. I mean, I'm no Johnny nimbus,

but I'll give it a... hello, Stevens Point,

we are coming to you live from the battle of the bands...

Bands... bands...

A-bravo, a-bravo.

But you lack the nimbus flair, that gives even the dullest of stories

a sense of importance.

Well, thanks for filling in, kid.

Now step aside. The professional is here, here, here.

Hey, don't get crusty because I pretended to be you.

Not my fault if I made like a hammer and nailed it.

The kid was pretty good, Johnny.

Yeah, I could probably take your job.

(Laughs) Listen, kid,

I've been doing this since legendary weatherman Gus t. Wind

was sucked up in a twister back in '97.

The way I inflect takes years to perfect.

"The way I inflect takes years to perfect."

All right, beginner's luck.

I mean, anybody can do that for a sentence or two,

but try spewing this powerful enthusiasm, making your voice go up and down

and all round, 24/7.

Dude, a trained monkey could do that.

Oh. Well, I've interviewed several monkeys, smart guy.

And trust me, they can't talk.

It doesn't seem that hard to out-nimbus the nimbus.

Here we go.

You rooneys could turn sitting down into a competition.

I sit better than all of them. I sit like a boss.

Okay, lil' boss, I challenge you to a host battle, right here, ma?ana.

- You're on. - Boom! Zap!

It'll be a battle of the battle of the bands hosts.

It'll be a match-up of the mic men.

- See, that's what I said. - Yeah, but I said it better.

(Feedback whines)

All right, how about this for a name...

Liv and the blowtorches?

Andie, I don't know if I necessarily wanna be "Liz and the" anything.

We need a name for us.

How about the dream?

'Cause it was duct taped to my bass drum when I bought it at the thrift shop.

Works for me.

Yeah, all right, the dream it is.

Let's do this!

Okay, so two summers ago,

I played lead guitar in the movie the funaways.

I mean, okay, so I mimed playing, but how hard can it be, right?

(Playing off-key)

- That was... - Just don't say anything.

I already know.

I'm also just now realizing

that my movie guitar was not plugged into anything.

Liv, the contest is tomorrow.

We need a lead guitarist.

Okay, let's all of us think.

Do any of us know a lead guitarist?

(Gasps) I know someone.

- (Cheers) - (Playing tune)

Is it me or did we just find our lead guitarist?

You know we did. What do you say, Holden?

I'm in if you're in.

- Liv? - What?

Yes, oh, yes.

I am so in...

Trouble.

Artie, let's talk band names.

I have got the perfect name for our new hip-hop sound...

check it.

Joe mama.

Boo-ya! You love it? Naw, I can tell you love it.

Naw, I don't.

But I have a band name which will fit perfectly

with our new glam rock sound and look... red heat.

(Snaps fingers)

Red heat dons one-piece jumpsuits with stand-up collars,

studded lapels and capes with mini-pianos.

Spicy and dicey not so nicey

red heat

Well, I just hate everything about this.

Especially the part about the minions being upstairs at my house.

Well, I hate everything about your face.

Well, I hate everything about your natural...

boys, boys, what is going on here?

Artie's being impossible.

Well, Joey's being possible.

Wait, that's not right. What's the opposite of impossible?

Nope, it's possible.

Boys, sit down and we are gonna have a chat.

Always remember the number one rule to every relationship.

You never go to bed angry.

I'm sorry. That's just something Pete and I are working on.

- Mom. - T.M.I., Mrs. Rooney.

You open your heart and you say how you feel.

I feel...

Crispy.

It's how I feel. Please don't negate it.

Joey, now I feel...

Kitty.

We have a band name.

Both: Crispy kitty!

See? Already agreeing on something.

Yeah, mom, now that we have a therapist.

But it's not like we can have a therapist all the time.

I thought you'd never ask. Of course I'll join your band.

(Playing tune)

She's magnificent.

I'd love to argue with you, but I can't.

(Imitating nimbus) Hello, Stevens Point.

We're live in the Rooney kitchen with Karen Rooney.

(Laughs) Honey, what are you up to?

I'm perfecting the nimbus flair.

I did a scientific analysis of Johnny's on-air voice.

This device registers my voice as I speak.

See, to announce like nimbus, you gotta hit the red,

then bring it on down to orange, then up to red again,

and then way on down to green.

I have no idea what goes on in that little head of yours,

but I am honored to witness what comes out.

So what's on the menu tonight, Mrs. Rooney?

Well, Mr. nimbus.

Your audience might be interested to know that I am trying something new.

Boom! Zap!

Looks like she's taking a culinary risk with chicken vindaloo.

How it'll go over is anybody's guess,

but it's curry in a hurry on crane street.

Nimbus out.

(Pop music playing)

We are wound up like a clock

rollin' like we rock, coming out to play

Oh!

Liv, are you okay?

Yeppers. Yep. Yes.

I'm just kind of having trouble focusing.

I just need something to block out all my distractions.

You know, like, sunglasses, or, like, a blindfold or blackout curtains

to block the sun that shines in Holden's eyes.

All right, this should do it.

The battle of the bands is tonight.

Just go with it. Two, three, four!

We are wound up like a clock

rollin' like we rock, coming out to play

kids just buzzing like a wire

the roof is getting higher, ain't nothing in our way

Oh!

So this rock and roll move needs work.

We're doing it our way

say hey hey hey...

Hey, what you doing?

I'm giving a concert to Mr. cuddles and his merry band of friends.

I love you, stuffed animals!

Liv, you do know that the battle of the bands is, like, about to start.

Why aren't you there right now?

Oh, I'm not going.

What? Why?

Because I just can't be in that band with Holden.

Okay, but, Liv, that doesn't mean that you should just quit.

Okay, easy for you to say, mads.

When have you ever had feelings for a guy that you just can't be with?

I'm just gonna stand here until it hits you.

Okay.

Oh, Diggie.

Diggie. Yes, thank you.

And, Liv, when you joined that band, it was sort of like you joined a team.

You know, and it is crunch time,

and you cannot let yourself get distracted right now.

Do you think I let myself get distracted when I'm playing in a game,

and my ex-boyfriend's in the stands,

and sweat is stinging my eyes, and mom's screaming,

"she came out of my womb with a basketball"?

Yeah, mom does do that a lot, doesn't she?

Literally every time I score.

But the point is, Liv, your team needs you right now,

and you can't let them down just 'cause things get hard for you.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go join my team.

- Then what? - We're gonna win the battle.

- Go, go, go! - Yeah!

Hello...

Stevens Point,

and welcome to the battle of the bands.

Holy mother of marcia, do we have a lineup for you.

And I don't mean the one Johnny was in after borrowing his ex-wife's car.

Did I go there? Yes, I did.

Now let's kick off the battle with a warm welcome for crispy kitty.

Monkey see, monkey killed it.

Okay, now, guys, remember. This is not Artie's band.

This is not Joey's band, this is crispy kitty.

I'm feeling...

- Both: Ready to rock! - Whoo!

We call this one Artemis prime.

What? No, dude, the song is called kitty kitty time.

It was.

One, two, three, four.

His mother said he fell from heaven

his father said he'd rock to eleven

oh, he's so fine

he's Artemis prime

whoo!

What? A giant picture of your face.

Artie, I never agreed to this.

Well, I never agreed to care about your opinion.

Boys, boys, I'm feeling...

I'm feeling like crispy kitty's cooked!

Minions, ho!

Allow me to take you away.

(Playing upbeat tune)

Dead air, Johnny. We need filler.

Okay, monkey, time for you to earn your monkey chow.

Get up there, fill time and engage the crowd until the next band can start.

What? But I only memorized the introductions to each band.

I wasn't prepared to shoot from the hip.

Monkey can't, monkey fail.

Hey, people.

- In the crowd. - (Booing)

The kid's crashing and burning.

Yep, gotta go make the save. Gus t. Wind did it for me.

Now time to pay it forward.

Gotta share the nimbus flair.

Red, orange, green.

Chicken vindaloo.

I agree with mini nimby here.

I think chicken vindaloo would have been a much better name than crispy kitty.

I mean, who names their band that anyway?

My munch of a brother, that's who, Johnny.

(Laughs) Very funny. You're a natural.

Yeah, let's hope there's only one munch in the Rooney bunch,

because your sister Liv's coming up here with her band the dream in just a few,

but, for now, please welcome to the stage the corncob girls.

(Cheering)

Wow, you're really good.

How do you talk about absolutely nothing, but make it seem like you care?

Here's my secret, kid. I'm as shallow as I am handsome.

We're up next. Where's Liv?

Yeah, what do we do if she doesn't show up in time?

Worst case scenario, I body-slam you both in the ring.

So at least people get their money's worth.

(Panting) Hey, team, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Are we ready to win this?

Liv, where were you?

Is everything okay?

Yes, yeah.

It is now. I promise.

And I'm really sorry.

Nimbus: Next up, our final performance of the night.

Let's welcome the dream.

Hey, guys, are we ready to get out there and show Stevens Point how it's done?

- Yeah! - Yeah, let's battle!

I love you, Wisconsin!

We are wound up like a clock

rollin' like we rock, coming out to play

kids just buzzing like a wire

the roof is getting higher, ain't nothing in our way

hey hey

when we hear the bass

we'll be losing our minds

say hey

first note of our song is the one that goes like

say hey hey hey

we're gonna make it shake tonight

just dance your fears away

say hey hey hey

who cares if we are wrong or right?

We're living for today

say hey hey hey

when the song is on

everything's okay

say hey hey hey

we're gonna make it shake tonight

we're doing it our way

say hey hey

hey

hey hey

come on

hey hey

one, two, one, two, three, four

yes, say hey hey hey

we're gonna make it shake tonight

just dance your fears away, say hey hey hey

who cares if we are wrong or right?

We're living for today, say hey hey hey

when the song is on

everything's okay, say hey hey hey

we're gonna make it shake tonight

we're doing it our way

say hey hey hey

(Cheering)

Wow! How about that, Stevens Point? Huh?

You want to announce our winner, Parker?

This is all you. You're the king.

Aww, I know.

Okay, the judges have made their decision and it's unanimous.

The winner of the battle of the bands is...

The dream!

She came out of my womb with a microphone!

(Gasps)

You're still wearing that?

My zipper got stuck.

I'll be wearing it until my seamstress, inga, gets back from Munich.

Well, would you like to see the album cover that we designed

before crispy kitty broke up?

Glorious!

This is too good to waste. We must reunite immediately.

I had the exact same thought.

Where's our flautist? We're nothing without her.

I'm not sure. I haven't seen her yet today.

(Playing tune)

Joey and Artie: Crispy kitty!

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