Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

(Snoring)

Uh... Ugh!

Hmm, there's enough of me to go around, ladies.

(Shrieks)

A little privacy, please!

Let me guess.

You were sleeping in the hallway because your room is disgusting.

(Gags) Oh!

The hall is my only option, Karen.

Parker and I haven't cleaned our room in so long

that we got used to living in our own filth.

And now there's fuzz on the filth and it's just scary.

It's like zombies-that- can-open-doors scary.

I have been playing a game of chicken with the boys,

assuming their room would get so gross, they'd clean it.

Never play chicken with pigs.

That's it.

You clean your room by tomorrow or I am throwing everything out.

Everything!

Don't call me Karen.

(Squeaks)

Wow, she's mad.

Waffles?

Over the years, I've dug an intricate system of tunnels in and around our house.

My favorite is the one that gets me to the bathroom fast

or maybe the one that gets me to the ape exhibit at the zoo.

They go crazy when you hide their tire.

Well, Parker.

Guess it's finally time to clean our room.

You start and I'll go get the chisel for our bubble gum wall.

Hold.

We need to find a way to trick someone into cleaning it for us.

Perhaps... oh, I don't know...

The twinkie-dinks.

Uh, I love the color of your grey matter.

I also love syrup on my waffles, which you forgot.

How could you doubt me?

(Theme music plays)

Better in stereo

b... b... better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high tops

- Oh no

- slam dunk

- Ready or not

yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

you dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

when you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

when you say stop

all I want to do is go, go, go

you, you, the other half of me, me

the half I'll never be-e

the half that drives me crazy

you, you, the better half of me, me

the half I'll always need

but we both know

we're better in stereo.

(Sighs)

Uh, Liv?

Why're you taking all of my clothes out of our closet?

Oh, because, Maddie, we have an arrangement.

I get 80% of the hanging space for my faboosh outfits

and you get 20% for your sports costumes.

Right, but, Liv, that was before I decided to freshen up my look.

Yeah? I mean, just because I'm a jock

doesn't mean that I have to wear sweats all the time.

- Um... - Uh, okay, zip it.

I'm aware that I'm wearing sweats right now.

Right, okay.

Maddie, kudos to you on your new look.

Really, but, um, let's face it.

You know, you're a drawer girl.

I'm a hanger girl.

You know, we'd have plenty of closet space

if you got rid of some of your extra shoes.

Um...

Sorry, I'm just...

I'm confused as to what you're talking about.

What are extra shoes?

(Laughs, snorts)

All I'm saying is that I am a hanger girl now so I need my space.

Okay, fine.

Fair enough. Uh...

Yes! You know what?

I am prepared to offer you three extra hangers and a sweater cubby.

This is really good deal, Maddie.

You're gonna want to take this one.

Okay.

Um, I am prepared to offer you a front-row seat to the closet wars!

Oww! What?!

Maddie, no! No no no no!

Okay, okay! Um, uh...

Revised deal! Uh, four extra hangers

and two sweater cubbies! Yeah?!

What more can I give you?!

Liv: I said get rid of these stupid shoes!

(Screams) Don't scream in the house!

Screaming "don't scream"

probably sends a mixed message, huh?

Let them fight.

Look, if the girls are fighting and the boys are cleaning their room,

we have the day to ourselves.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I believe I am.

Both: "President baby"!

(Deeper pitch) In a world so corrupt

there was no one left to trust, the voters of America turned

to the only innocent voice left in politics.

All hail president baby.

It's time for a change, a diaper change.

We have been dying to see "president baby"

since it came out in the theaters, but we never made it because we're parents.

So last night we downloaded it and fell asleep because we're parents.

If we don't finish watching before the rental expires,

we're gonna have to pay five bucks again.

It's the fifth time we've tried watching.

I really want to see "President baby,"

but I draw the line at 25 bucks.

- (Television music plays) - (Baby cries)

There is something about a powerful baby

that just makes you proud to be an American.

All right, Liv, it is time for you to pick

your five favorite pairs of red shoes.

And the rest are going in the garage.

(Gasps) You're trying to break up our happy closet family?

You monster!

(Door opens)

(In British accent) Do I hear a little strife in the princess castle?

Stay out of this, Joey.

We've come with a solution, but only if Maddie's brave enough

to take me on in a game of refrigerator roulette.

I'm listening.

Okay, so in refrigerator roulette,

each person has to eat something really gross

from the deep recesses of the fridge.

The game is over when you get something so disgusting

that you refuse to eat it.

And I've never refused to eat anything.

Oh!

Seriously, it tastes like apple pie, you guys.

Mom's making us clean the bro' cave.

If Maddie wins, you two can you use our freshly sanitized closet

for whatever weird lady things you want.

But if I win, you two bobbleheads have to clean our room today.

(Both gasp)

No, I'm sorry.

There's no way that I'm going into that chamber of boy stench.

Okay, all right.

Then enjoy your closet war.

Um, wait! Liv, I've never lost a game of refrigerator roulette.

Maddie, it's not worth it.

Our closet has a full-length mirror.

Okay, we're in.

Welcome back to "foul fridge" for round six of refrigerator roulette.

Parker and Maddie are locked in a heated bite-for-bite battle of blech

and cleaning the bro' cave is on the line.

Okay, dude, we're right here.

No one else is watching.

Okay, so I knew I should have been there

to support my sister, but even watching Parker eat normal food

makes me kinda nauseous.

This item could be mom's leftover enchiladas

from her Guatemalan cooking phase

or what used to be trout from dad's last fishing trip.

Just remember if you have to spew, hit the sink.

These are my only clean pants.

Okay. (Clears throat)

Okay.

Nope, no.

I... I... okay, I... I'm sorry, guys.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm out.

Okay, I'm really tough, but dad has not been fishing in three years.

Oh, so all I have to do is eat this and we win.

Yeah, except there's no way that you're...

No, you ate that!

Ugh!

Relax, it's just ground beef, chocolate taffy,

and dried seaweed I dyed to look moldy and trout-like.

I know that's cheating, but I'm not cleaning our room.

My bed is crunchy.

(Laughs)

Parker, you disgust and delight me.

Why thank you.

Madison!

Get to cleaning.

Okay, so now I have to clean the boys' room.

Ha.

How bad could it be?

How bad could it be?!

Ha ha.

Worse than I...

Imagined.

Oh, I can see the smell.

Have fun, ladies.

I hope your both fully vaccinated.

- Ha. - (Slithering)

- Something's moving! - (Screams)

- What is that?! - Something's moving!

(Both scream)

(Sighs)

I guess I should start with pulling

the dirty underwear off the dead Christmas tree

that has been planted in a toilet bowl.

(Sniffs)

Ha!

Nice job, miss "I never lose at refrigerator roulette."

Now thanks to you, we're stuck in here

with Joey's jeans that can, uh, stand on their own.

Okay, you know what, Liv?

I never would have had to play if you hadn't been such a closet hog.

(Squishes)

(Exasperated laugh)

You know what? I'm not even gonna look down.

I'm simply going to burn this sneaker.

Ugh! I sure hope I don't get a rash from this beanbag... no!

Maddie?!

Oh!

The chair ate my sister.

Ugh, what's that smell?

Maybe we brought it with us?

(Sniffs)

No, this is different.

(Inhales deeply)

Strange.

Ugh, those flowers, gross.

Hey, do you feel guilty about cheating the girls at refrigerator roulette?

The girls who told me to hand over all my Halloween candy

or the evil Scottish lord goomery-goo would get me?

They tortured me with that for years.

They used to play bagpipes through the vent and tell me he was coming.

That's scary for a little kid.

(Laughs, snorts)

Okay, so when Parker was five, we told him that if he didn't give us

all of his piggy bank money, the goomery-goo would come up through the toilet

and drag him down into the sewers.

Ha.

(Sighs) All of his little pennies bought me a super sweet kickball.

(In Scottish accent) Sleep tight, parka'.

Don't let the goomery-goo get ya'.

You're right.

The girls deserve this.

Now I'm gonna take a diva moment Joey-style.

Hit it!

(Grunts)

Flexin'.

(Screams)

Crampin'.

(High pitched) Oww!

Crampin'!

(Electrical buzzing)

I'm told coordination is a senior-year kind of thing.

All I know is that I started to fall

and I reached back for something, anything.

You okay?

Best diva moment ever, by the way.

I broke the diva board.

(Squeaky) Liv's gonna kill me!

Liv: Parker, I need you!

(High-pitch shrieks)

Go! Liv can't see this!

I really don't like dealing with Liv when she's agitated,

but I had to get away from Joey's lady shrieks.

(Nervous chuckle)

Hey, um, so this might sound really crazy,

but I think that one of your chairs ate Maddie.

So, like, is that at all possible?

Anything's possible in the bro' cave.

Which chair?

- That beanbag one. - What?!

Oh, we've got a major situation here.

That's the entrance to one of the original Parker tunnels.

(Mimics explosion)

Totally forgot to tell you.

How could you forget to tell me something like that?

Hey, you've got shoes. I've got tunnels.

Kinda hard to keep track of them all.

But mantis man can help us.

(Beeping)

This is a map of all my tunnels.

Each one has a heat sensor to detect motion,

which appears as a blip on the grid.

Oh, a blip! I see a blip!

All right, we got a heat mass on the move in sector seven. It must be Maddie.

(Whispers) You never saw this.

I haven't been in sector seven in years.

Who knows what's down there.

Well, I am coming with you.

And I'm not taking no for an answer.

Duh, of course you're coming with me.

I don't want to go down there.

Doesn't he recognize a noble, empty gesture when he hears it?

Oh, good thinking.

We will leave a trail of bread crumbs to find our way back.

You're sweet, kid, but this is for the rats.

They get testy when they're hungry.

Bombs away!

(Gasps)

Um, do you think I have time to change into my tunneling shoes?

Parker: Just get in here, princess.

(Groans)

(Inhales deeply)

Eww.

(Gasp)

(Baby crying)

Mom, dad!

(Startled gasps)

(Movie credits plays)

You watched "President baby" without me?!

What kind of parents are you?

The movie's over. We fell asleep again.

Oh, every time queen Elizabeth

sings president baby that lullaby, we're out cold.

Hey, uh, I need your help.

I may or may not have destroyed one of Liv's most sacred possessions.

Please don't kill me! I need your help upstairs!

What did you do?

I did this.

Both: No!

We have to fix that before Liv finds out.

Move, move!

Move, move, move!

Move!

No sign of Maddie.

Wait, Parker, why are we in the living room?

Parker: We must have taken a wrong turn somewhere.

Roger that. Whoop! Okay.

Would you mind backing up slightly?

Your headlamp is burning my butt.

"Liv, love, laugh."

Huh, I never noticed how dumb that was.

Ha, oh, oh, oh!

Epic entrance!

Thanks, bro'.

Sweet, huh? And Liv's right behind me, so hide the diva board.

(Gasps)

Maddie's lost in the Parker tunnels.

We should probably go check the high school next.

You have tunnels that lead all the way to the high school?

I have so many tunnels, I don't know where they all go.

Oh, and, uh...

I don't mean to scare you,

but we may never see Maddie again.

What?!

Oh, you guys, we have to find her.

I feel so awful.

We got into this fight. And I mean, words were said,

really awful words like closet, and space, and, oh, hanger!

Shh.

We're on a search and rescue mission.

Don't distract me with lady talk.

Go, go, find my sister.

Bring her back safe.

And if it takes you, like, three to four hours, that's just great.

(Karen sighs)

So, Joey, now we can fix the wiring and the lights,

but there is no way that we can fix the diva board before Liv notices.

Don't worry. I got this.

I've been painting model spaceships and wizard portraits

since before it was cool and well after it wasn't.

We believe in you, Joey.

I regret this already.

(Gasps)

No sign of Maddie!

I'm getting really scared, Parker.

Parker: Calm down, woman,

and try looking farther than just outside the door.

All right, fine, but she is my twin sister.

I think I would know if she were here.

- Liv. - (Gasps)

- You're here! - Hey, yeah.

Listen, Maddie, I am so sorry about our stupid fight.

Uh, put a pin in that apology, sis.

I have uncovered a rat.

Oh, me too. It ate all of our bread and it still chased us.

No, I am talking about a dirty rat named Parker Rooney.

I didn't lose at refrigerator roulette.

He cheated. Look what I just found in the tunnels.

It's a recipe for fake moldy fish.

"Ground beef, chocolate taffy, dried seaweed."

He literally couldn't remember three ingredients?

I think it's time that Parker learn a lesson,

and not just any ordinary lesson.

I think we need to reach down into his tortured past

and bring out the big guns.

You mean the dark lord himself?

Aye, Lassie.

Both: The goomery-goo!

- Ha ha! - (Giggles)

All right. Lights are fixed.

Should we go see if Joey's finished painting Liv's headboard?

Or you could take a diva moment.

I thought you'd never ask.

Okay, hit it.

(Vocalizing)

We are awesome parents.

- Whoo! - Nice pipes, kare-bear.

Joey: Hey, guys, I've really outdone myself

with this diva board.

What is that?

I call it, "Joseph triumphant."

You were supposed to recreate Liv's diva board exactly,

not do whatever this is.

I know. I know, but my brush just started moving.

And I let it go wherever it wanted to go.

It's me taking the kitty by the ears.

It's how I handle all my business.

Well, you handle your business wrong.

Okay?

So now we have to get paints, canvass, and brushes to fix this.

Do you want me to help?

No, no, you've done enough.

I don't get it.

We've checked all the sectors and quadrants.

Think, Parker! Think.

You made these tunnels, yeah?

There must be something that you've just missed.

Look, there's movement in tunnel number five!

Oh, that must be Maddie!

But what's that other dot behind her?

(Giggles)

It's like really not fair to pit a 10-year-old against a professional actress

in a prank war.

But, I mean, he started this game and I'm gonna finish it, so like action!

Is it a raccoon or maybe it's a... like a possum?

Or... (Exaggerated gasping)

(In Scottish accent) The goomery-goo!

Or me running down a tunnel dragging a hot roasted turkey

to create a second heat source.

Liv, you might have been able to fool me

when I was a little kid, but I'm a man of science now.

I don't believe in the goomery-goo.

Okay, then, um, tell me, man of science,

what exactly is that second heat source chasing the first heat source?

Have your sensors malfunctioned or have your nightmares come true?

Either way, you owe me five years of Halloween candy

and a pig full of pennies.

To the beanbag!

- (Baby cries) - (Laughs)

Classic.

President baby just made a boom boom in the war room. Uh.

Oh, Parker, get out of those tunnels!

I think I heard something chasing us.

And I think it was the goomery-goo.

Liv, stop, there's no such thing as the goomery-goo.

- (Roars) - Oh, Parker!

Something's got my foot!

Joey, help me!

What's going on?

It's the goomery-goo! He's real!

And he's got my foot!

(Roars)

(Shrieks)

(Roaring continues)

Close it up. Seal the tunnel.

- (Roars) - (Screams)

Bam! What?!

Wait, Maddie?

Ha!

That is what you get for cheating us in refrigerator roulette.

Well, on the upside, I got another pair of dirty underwear

to hang on the Christmas tree.

You know, mom and dad did do a good job,

but I still think that "Joseph triumphant"

would have given this room a much needed dose of awesome.

Yeah, Joey, there was nothing triumphant about that painting.

Go ahead, Liv, take your moment.

(Giggles)

(Clears throat)

(Inhales deeply)

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, yeah

Keep your paws off my stuff, Joey

Ooh.

And since Parker and I cheated, our closet is all yours.

It was hard to scrape off all the dried mashed potatoes, but we did it.

...ish.

Actually, there's no need, Joey.

Um, thanks to the Parker tunnels and our new shoe elevator,

we have plenty of space.

I just enter the kind of shoe that I want and...

(Bell dings)

Ah!

Hello, sparkly red wedge number 26.

(Inhales deeply, sighs)

(Sighs)

You know, I'm kinda glad we were finally forced to clean this dump.

Let's never let the bro' cave get dirty again.

Never again.

(Slithers)

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