Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

- (Door opens) - Wha... ah-ah.

Did you three just escape from a shallow grave?

South is gonna be here any minute!

South Salamanca was my co-star on... "Sing it loud!"

I would've been lost in L.A. without her.

(Laughs) I mean she was like my family,

except I wasn't embarrassed to be seen with her.

Ugh! Okay, you all need to change. You reek!

Well, we had to mulch the roses.

You know me and my roses... I just care too mulch.

(Laughs) I love it.

- Hey. - (Gasps) Oh, Maddie, no.

Okay, I guess I am the only one in this family

who cares about making a good impression on our guest.

Not so fast!

Looks like somebody has a crush on South.

America has a crush on South.

I'm the guy who has a shot.

So, are you as excited about seeing my L.A. b.F.F. as I am?

- (Squeaks) - Actually, South can be a bit much.

(Doorbell chimes)

(Both scream)

There's my b.F.F.W.L.I.W.N.!

I'm sorry, what?

Both: Best friend forever who lives in Wisconsin now.

Mr. and Mrs. Rooney, great house.

You don't even know.

Well, actually, South, we live here, so we...

We do know.

No. No, you don't.

I'm from Hollywood. I see beauty more clearly.

I see beauty very clearly, standing right in my living room.

A rose to thank you for the hours of joy I get watching your show.

You watch "raise the roof"? So sweet.

But don't get your hopes up. I'm 16.

'Cause you don't look a day over gorgeous.

(Whispers) Boom!

(Theme music plays)

Better in stereo

b... b... better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high tops

- Oh no

- slam dunk

- Ready or not

yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

you dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

when you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

when you say stop

all I want to do is go, go, go

you, you, the other half of me, me

the half I'll never be-e

the half that drives me crazy

you, you, the better half of me, me

the half I'll always need

but we both know

we're better in stereo.

Class of '89 reunion's this Saturday night.

Sign up here to volunteer.

Don't make me use my whistle.

I am so excited for your reunion.

Thank you, honey.

You know, I was kind of a big deal in high school.

So things might get a little crazy town when prime-time Pete Rooney rolls in.

Okay. I'm a longtime resident of crazy town,

so I think I'll be okay, prime-time.

It's time to put the brain Olympics trophy in the school's case.

Joint custody just... it isn't working out, Artie.

I'm happy to keep it at the school

if it prevents you from eating cereal out of it.

I only did that once, and it tasted like victory...

With raisins.

(Rattling)

(Taps) Dang it, case won't open.

Guess I'll have to keep it at my house.

(Chuckles)

Nice try.

- (Whirs, clangs) - (Gasps)

What is that?

It's beautiful...

And unexpectedly sticky.

"You hold in your hand the porcupine prism, which will lead you to..." (Gasps)

"The key of power."

According to ridgewood lore, the key of power unlocks locker C-23.

Legend states that visionary math geeks created the key in 1989,

then hid it where it could only be found by the chosen one.

Both: I am the chosen one.

We have to get into locker C-23.

The scroll says the prism will guide us to the key of power on the first night

of the first month in the year of the snake.

Wait! That's this Saturday!

How do we get into school on a Saturday night?

Saturday night! Sign up for your own coach Rooney's 25th reunion.

Wait wait wait wait wait!

I would like to volunteer for my dad's reunion.

Not before I can volunteer for my mom's reunion.

Well, thank you, boys.

No, thank you, father.

See you Saturday night, wad-bag.

And... next period.

So there we are, shooting the tropical episode of... "Sing it loud!"

And the whole cast of...

"Sing it lou-oud!"

was shipwrecked.

Yeah, but then... Oh, but then

we heard the monkeys singing the theme song to...

"Sing it lou-ou-oud!" Oh.

(Laughs) It was like totes hilar.

That show is so five minutes ago.

Let's talk about your new show, South.

(Laughs) Oh, you mean...

"Rai-ai-I-I-I-se the roof"?

(Softly) roof.

"Raise the roof" is about four lady carpenters

who build houses by day and sing by night, but still find time to solve crimes

and compete in beauty pageants.

I don't know how they do it!

- Hey, you. - Hey, you, back.

People! People.

Diggie and I recently decided that we're "in like,"

but we're just keeping it on the d.L.

I'm in like. I want the world to know.

I know it, he knows it.

- And we like it that way. - I hate it this way!

Um, so you are about to meet Liv's best friend, South Salamanca.

You're probably not gonna like her, but just do me a favor.

I'd do anything for the girl I "like."

(Laughs, snorts)

Yeah, so just...

When we go in, just be nice to her.

Sure. I like doing favors for people I "like."

(Laughs)

Okay, one hug, but just because you're really cute right now.

(Gasps) Person!

Oh. No, that was... That was just a lamppost.

Yeah, so there she is.

Prepare to be ignored, 'cause she really only listens to Liv.

(Laughs) And what is all this yum-yum soup?

(Chuckles) So, Diggie, this is South Salamanca.

Hi, nice to meet you. I love your show.

(Laughs) You watch my show?

You watch her show?

It's really cool to meet you in person.

Well, it's cool to be met.

You don't even know.

Wow. What gorgeous brown eyes.

Thanks. My mom calls them her little chocolate chips.

(Giggles)

What are you drinking there, punch?

Let me freshen that up.

Wow. I was not expecting that in Wisconsin.

10,000 cows and one good-looking side of beef.

- Oh. - Karen, uh, wait.

I just wanted to tell you that Amy Becker is gonna be here tonight.

She and prime-time were kind of a thing.

- I don't want you to be jealous. - Oh, mama don't get jelly.

So you're not gonna chomp ice all night like you do when you get nervous?

Mama also don't get nervy.

And you're gonna speak normally in front of my friends? Right?

Mama might. (Laughs)

(Rock music playing)

(Crowd chanting) Rooney, Rooney, Rooney,

- Rooney, Rooney... - Whoa. You weren't kidding.

Watch this, honey.

(Shouts) What time is it?!

Crowd: Prime-time!

Oh, you must be Amy, Pete Rooney's ex-girlfriend.

The Pete Rooney? (Laughing)

I wish!

No, I'm Amy smalls. He dated Amy Becker.

- Oh! - (Shouting) Amy!

This woman wants to meet you!

(Funk music playing)

Man: yeah.

Karen? Karen Rooney?

Oh, you must be petey's wife. I'm Amy Becker.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you!

Amy, Amy!

So good to see you again.

- Petey. - Both: Oh!

How do you still look so good?

- (Laughs) - I thought I was a swimsuit model.

(Voice breaks) You're a swimsuit model?

That just put me through med school.

Oh. Swimsuit model, doctor. (Laughs)

Good for you. Good for you.

(Crunching)

So, you're on the basketball team.

Uh, actually, I'm the captain.

Well, aye aye, captain.

(Both laugh)

Okay, how upset would you be if I threw South so far she became north?

Sorry, what?

She's all up on Diggie and she needs to not be.

Okay, well then, Maddie, just talk to her.

I mean, all you have to do is say that he's your boyfriend.

Okay, say it with me: Boy-friend.

Diggie and I don't play fast and loose with language like that.

(Scoffs) Listen to yourself!

No wonder South thinks he's available.

Okay, well, can't you talk to her

I mean, she listens to you. You once talked her

into wearing a parrot as a hat to the "sing it loud" premiere.

Yeah, I didn't want her wearing the same bird as me.

So you'll talk to her and tell her to stay away from my... friend boy?

"Friend boy"? Okay, Maddie, South is not the problem here. You are.

I mean, it's as clear as my skin after a facial.

Or anytime, really.

Fine, I'll talk to her.

By the way, your face is really blotchy right now.

The instructions say to place the prism on top of a janitor's mop

right here and wait for the moonglow to hit it.

Well then, we wait.

I spy with my little eye...

- Something... - The prism.

Mmm! I knew that was too obvious.

No! Look, the prism!

(Hisses)

(Shrieking)

I knew it. I knew it.

It worked, it worked, it worked! Ugh!

I spy with my little eye...

The key of power.

It is mine! I alone will unearth the secrets of locker C-23!

Is that Liv holding a "go to prom with me, Artie" sign?

Oh!

Oh, I know she's not there, but still I must turn!

- Diggie: Two, three, four. - Both: what you gonna do

And what you gonna do when the world is a-rumbling?

What you gonna do when you're looking for the truth?

Time to put down your tools, pick up your mice

And rai-aise the roof!

(Cheers, applause)

What?

Maddie told me to be nice to South,

so I've been hanging out with her all night.

Who's racking up major brownie points with his lady?

This guy.

(Both laugh)

- South! - Hmm?

Can I... talk to you for a second?

Sure thing. Keep my step warm.

- (Guitar music playing) - (Bangs)

I see what you're doing, my man.

Game recognizes game.

Why were you in there?

Because I wouldn't have your attention

if I had just walked up the stairs, now would I?

Stay away from South. My sister might have a crush on you,

but I will crush you!

Hey, so... (Laughs)

I just want to talk to you about Diggie.

Oh, let me start.

He is good-looking and he can sing.

You don't even know. I don't even know.

(Forced laugh) Yeah, so listen, he's kind of... It's like...

He's... well, I mean, you know, he's, like... He's sort of... It's mostly...

So, uh, yeah.

Ha! Nailed that.

So does he have a girlfriend? (Laughs)

Mmm, failed that.

Oh! Does Diggie have a girlfriend?

Wow. Interesting.

Um, that's a really charged and labelly word, you know?

You don't even know what I know, he is "c" to the "u"... (Snapping fingers)

To the "t-e," cute!

Mm-hmm.

She's right. He is cute.

Be a shame if something were to happen to him. (Cracks knuckles)

So, are you ready to see me open locker C-23 with the key of power?

Never underestimate a ginger!

We have paprika in our blood!

(Crunching)

Hey, mom, you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

Mom, come on.

I know that look. I've worn that look.

- What's wrong? - I'm just sitting here,

wondering how I'm supposed to measure up to a supermodel/doctor.

Yeah, I saw her.

Nice work, dad.

But... (Chuckles)

You are a few things she's not.

You're funny and smart and pretty darn cool.

Thank you, honey. (Chuckles)

What else am I?

A little needy right now.

But you're also a great mom.

That's very sweet.

There's one other thing:

Dad married you.

Well, he did, didn't he?

He could've married christie Brinkley in there

and instead he chose Carol Burnett.

I have no idea who either of those people are.

But if it makes you happy, go with it.

(Artie shouts) Tell your mommy you wuv her!

Artie.

(Rock music playing)

(Sighs)

Oh, there you are.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

You've been chomping ice all night.

(Laughs) I just needed a minute, but I'm better than ever.

Okay.

May I present for their throwback dance, our prom king and queen

Pete Rooney and Amy Becker!

(Soft rock music playing)

(Crunching)

Oh no, I'm too late!

I'm afraid so, Joey, but you've got a good view

as I meet my destiny. (Chuckles)

(Grunts)

(Gasps, laughs)

Did not see that coming.

My inability to take the stairs in a timely fashion has saved me once again.

And now, my destiny awaits.

(Grunts)

(Laughter)

It worked!

Class of '89 burn!

Mom?

We got my own kid!

How funny is that?

Artie, is this that nice boy Joey you're always going on and on about?

I do not! Quit talking, mom.

(Laughter continues)

Did your mommy just say you wuv me?

Come on, gang, let's go pants principal fickman.

South didn't get it when I told her to leave Diggie alone.

Who was conveniently off looking for vegan fudge.

This was the perfect swap-portunity.

Now I know that's a Liv word, but I'm just getting into character.

You guys are still there, right?

(Clears throat) Hey.

(Mimicking Liv, laughing) Hey. Hey.

Hey, South. It's your b.F.F.Q.Y.Z., Liv.

What does that mean?

Your best friend forever quail... yak zoo.

So anyway, I just wanted to say maybe you should back up off Diggie

like nowsies. Okaysies?

What are you doing, Rooney?

(Laughs)

That's me, Rooney. Liv Rooney.

Okay.

So I was just telling South that she should maybe, like, back up off you.

What, you mean she was flirting with me?

(Scoffs) Are you dead?

And what's the big deal? Do you have a girlfriend or something?

I think I'll let Liv answer that.

Liv.

(Door closes)

Yeah.

Answer the question, Liv.

Whoa. Two livs?

Does Maddie know about her?

(Laughs) Please. Two livs?

Like I would ever wear this outfit.

(Normal voice) Okay, now that you're here,

can you... (Whsipers) Please talk to her?

No. Maddie, this is ridiculous. Okay, you know what?

I am gonna put this in terms that you can understand. Ready?

Uh-huh.

It's time to step up to the hoop and swing for the... sports thing.

Can you just say it?

Okay. (Chuckling)

Um, Diggie is my...

Boyfriend. (Exhales sharply)

- Yes. - (Maddie chuckles)

Finally!

Hear that, everybody?

Maddie Rooney...

(Shouts) Is my girlfriend!

Maddie Rooney's my girlfriend!

(Chuckles)

(Shouts) Maddie Rooney's my girlfriend!

Okay, so when I pictured that moment in my head,

he wasn't running away screaming.

(Laughing) But you did it.

I'm so proud of you, mads.

Now please take this off.

Yeah, way to go.

Diggie is a total score.

And no damage...

There's tons of other fish in the sea for me.

How about a guppy?

Care to join me in the moonlight for a juice box, doll?

Sure, why not? (Chuckles)

So, you really a fan of my show?

Oh, you don't even... know!

- Hey, man. - Hello, Artie.

Did you spend all weekend talking about me to your mommy?

My mother and I are no longer on speaking terms...

At least until taco Tuesday.

(Sighs) Listen, wad-bag, I know we had our differences the other night,

but we sure do make quite a team.

Speak for yourself, Rooney.

I detest you with every fiber in my being

and I'm gonna delete you from my phone.

The fact that I was even in there tells me everything I need to know.

Maddie Rooney's my girlfriend!

Maddie Rooney's my girlfriend!

Maddie Rooney's my girlfriend!

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