Original subtitles

Parker, what do you want in your lunch? Apple or banana?

Keep going until you get to cupcake.

Good morning, fellow Rooneys.

Today is the first day of the rest of your lives...

With me.

Hey, Hollywood. Tomorrow, less time in the shower.

You used up all the hot water.

It makes it really hard to shave.

Yeah, that's right, guys... I shave.

Spread the word.

Didn't bother me. I took a shower with the hose out front.

Oh come on, like the neighbors haven't seen that already.

Um, what happened to my chair?

Ooh, um...

Parker broke it over Joey's back when they were wrestling.

Correction, he was wrestling.

I was eating soup.

You know, this is ridiculous.

You shouldn't have to stand to eat your breakfast.

Joey, get her a seat.

Welcome home, Hollywood.

[Theme music plays]

Better in stereo.

B... b... better in stereo.

- I'm up with the sunshine. - Let's go.

- I lace up my high tops. - Oh no.

- Slam dunk. - Ready or not.

Yeah, show me what you got.

- I'm under the spotlight. - Holler.

I dare you, come on and follow.

You dance to your own beat. I'll sing the melody.

When you say yea-ah-ah.

I say no-oh-oh.

When you say stop.

All I want to do is go, go, go.

You, you, the other half of me, me.

The half I'll never be.

The half that drives me crazy.

You, you, the better half of me, me.

The half I'll always need.

But we both know.

We're better in stereo...

[Music]

12-minute mile, Maddie. What happened?

Oh, I ran two.

Nice, Cassie. Personal best.

Last time I walked because I didn't want to get a blister.

But I ran this time because I was being chased by a squirrel.

Look at you... stains.

School bus ran through a puddle and splashed me.

Team meeting, everybody. Grab some water.

Hustle it up, Willow. Hustle up.

[Gasping]

[Sighs]

My dogs have been barking since Sycamore Street.

Oh wait, were you guys using this?

Okay, don't forget. Team retreat... my house, this weekend.

Also, your votes are in.

And the Ridgewood High Fighting Porcupines have themselves a new Team Captain.

[Cheers]

She's the first sophomore ever chosen.

Maddie Rooney.

[Cheering]

Basketball is my life.

And being named Captain of the team was huge for me.

And I might have played it cool in front of the girls on the team but I...

Also might have gone home and squealed in my closet.

[Squeals]

You're gonna be a great Captain, Maddie.

Unless you're really bad and the whole team turns against you.

While I was away, Maddie got to be really good friends with her basketball teammates.

Sweet girls, but they're all kind of like the before in a makeover show.

What? It means they have potential.

[Laughter]

Uh... Principal Fickman, what are you doing?

Is it Polly the Porcupine's birthday?

It most certainly is not.

Someone out there thinks it's a big hee-haw to keep dressing up the mascot.

Well, I'm neither hee-ing nor haw-ing.

[Chuckles]

It's a travesty, Sir.

I've been making budget cuts and girls' basketball got hit hard.

The good news is I got you the new uniforms you requested.

- Yeah! - Woo!

The bad news is they're the boys' old uniforms, sweaty and unlaundered.

No, we need new uniforms.

We're going to a tournament in Chicago.

Yeah, the Walter Worciechowski invitational.

It took me three days to learn how to say it.

I'm only funding things the student body cares about.

People care about girls' basketball.

Oh... [wheezes]

[Chuckles]

Sure they do.

And you keep telling yourself that.

Principal Fickman, we're not gonna let you treat us this way.

Right, team?!

Well, if you'll excuse me, I promised Mother I'd be home in time for...

Wheel of Fortune!

- Principal Fickman... - Yeah.

Before you go, [Snaps]

Would you like a nice...

Cold glass...

Of water?

- Well, I would. Thank you. - [Quietly] Yeah.

- Refreshing. - Yeah.

[Giggles]

Please tell me you still have athlete's foot.

- Raging. - Good girl.

Hey, Joey.

[High-pitched scream]

What are you doing with a tarantula?

Her name is Sylvia. And she's the class pet.

I'm taking care of them for the weekend.

Them?

Parker, I only see the one.

Yeah, I already lost the other five when I let them out of their cage.

What?!

Oh, why would you let them out of their cage?

Duh... to train them for the all-tarantula circus.

[High-pitched scream]

All right, caught one.

It's either Julie the trapeze artist or Bernardo...

The sword swallower.

- Four more to go. - [Car horn honks]

Oh, okay, Parker, that is Mom.

And you cannot tell her anything about this.

Okay? If she finds out that there are a bunch of spiders crawling around,

she will freak out!

Okay, act natural.

Oh, hi, boys.

Listen, Maddie's basketball team is gonna be here all weekend.

Hey, hey, hey. Eyes on me.

So this weekend, don't cause any trouble, okay?

[Scoffs]

Trouble?

Who do you think you're talking to, lady?

- Milady. - Mm hmm.

No one on the team had my back.

- It's just so... - Frustrappointing.

That's not a real word, yet somehow I know exactly what it means.

- How do you do that? - Oh, it's a gift.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be Captain.

I have no idea what to do.

- I do. - [Snorts] Please.

You don't have a clue about basketball.

Maddie, this is about leadership on...

Sing it loud...

My cast was a team and I led them through four

critically-acclaimed seasons of television.

- Want to know how I did it? - No.

Okay, there are five steps to leadership.

One, grab their attention.

Two, get them on the same page.

Three, identify your goal.

Four, lead them into battle.

And five, look great doing it.

You know, if I imagined those words not coming out of your mouth...

They actually kind of make sense.

Okay.

Step one, grab their attention.

In Hollywood, they always say the best way to do

that is by firing someone on your first day of work.

[Snorts] Liv, I'm not firing any of my friends.

[Melodramatic groan]

Do I have to connect all the dots for you?

I will join the team. And you can fire me for being terrible.

The team will know you mean business if you are

ruthless enough to crush your twin's fake dream.

Liv, that's actually kind of brilliant.

And I do love the idea of firing you.

[Whistle blows]

Listen up, Lady Porcupines.

We have the tournament in Chicago in three weeks.

This retreat is about coming together and becoming a real team.

Yeah, that means if a girl puts herself out on the line...

Like, say, in front of the Principal...

You better back her up.

So to get us started, I got us all team bracelets.

Got your back.

Cool.

Mine broke.

You know what? It's okay. I have plenty extra.

I had to buy like 500 to get the discount, so...

How about some passing drills?

- Hold up, Dad. One more thing. - Yeah?

We have a new teammate.

Great. Can she play center?

We got no "D" if Willow goes down.

Willow doesn't go down!

Please, everybody, welcome all the way from Hollywood...

Liv Rooney.

[Applause]

Thank you.

It is an honor!

To be nominated in the same category as these other very talented women.

[Light clapping]

Okay.

Welcome aboard, Liv.

[Whimpers]

So, Hollywood big shot.

What position do you play?

Oh. [Giggles]

I'm usually the lead.

Great job, team. Great job.

Anybody need water?

Ooh!

Dad, we seriously need a new water cooler.

Not in the budget. Got some juice boxes the garage.

Captain's in charge.

Okay, everybody, let's start with some layups.

Liv, you first. Catch.

No, sorry. I'm not touching that ball.

It's heavy and it's just...

[Laughs] It's such a boring color.

Liv, being on this team requires hard work.

And if you're not up for that, then maybe you're not cut out for this.

Wait.

Are you...

Kicking me off the team?

I'm devastated.

Devastated.

Liv, I'm the Captain.

I've made my decision.

Go.

Attention officially grabbed. Step one, complete.

I see.

Don't cry for me, Lady Porcupines.

I'll be all right.

Somehow.

You can't kick Liv off the team.

- I can't? - She can't?

Willow's right.

Liv is terrible, but she'll learn.

We all had to.

She's our teammate now.

And we have to back her up.

Just like you said, man.

I did say that, didn't I?

Mm! Why did I say that?

Okay.

Liv, I guess you are...

Back on the team.

[Strained] Yay.

Team: One, two, three, go Porcupines!

Porcupines!

[Music]

Boys: [Whispering]

The itsy bitsy spider.

Went up the waterspout.

Down came...

The rain...

Crashing a girls' sleepover?

Not cool, brahs.

[Nervous chuckle]

Oh, she caught us.

We were just trying to cause mischief.

Great, now I'm awake.

I need a snack.

Is it cool if we look through your sleeping bag while you're gone?

I don't know what you're looking for, but I do know you look stupid doing it.

Liv, what are you doing in here?

Oh, I don't sleep in bags.

So listen, I'm sorry my plan kind of backfired and blew up in our faces today.

Liv, what are you talking about?

I mean, I know it didn't go the way we thought it would but...

When I saw the team rally around you,

I saw passion for the first time.

[Squeaks]

Faboosh. We are now officially ready for step two.

Remind me what step two is again.

Getting the team on the same page.

- Perfect. First thing in the morn... - Tarantula!

[Girls screaming]

Yes!

Caught another one.

Joan, the troubled ringmaster from a broken home.

Was it divorce?

No, I literally stepped on her home.

Okay, guys.

Guys, you call these warm-ups?

The first thing any opposing team is gonna see from us is how we warm up, right?

They need to know that we think as one, play as one.

And win as one.

We'll still go to the bathroom on our own though, right?

[Bangs loudly]

[Bangs three times]

I want you all to reach deep into your soul...

And find your inner warrior.

Who is she? What makes her so fierce?

What accessories can we use to highlight...

That fierceness?

I have no clue what she's saying,

but I'm listening because she seems confident and she carries a big stick.

Take a moment.

Close your eyes.

I thought we were just gonna learn new warm-ups.

It's a process.

Aah! Ewe.

Why are these dishes all covered in cobwebs?

[Chuckles]

That's a...

That's so weird.

Yeah, you wouldn't expect tarantulas here in Wisconsin.

[Sighs]

I'm glad you guys are here. You can help me serve lunch.

[Gasps]

- It's beautiful. - Whoa.

I'm feeding athletes. I went big. Here, help me take it outside.

Parker, honey, can you open the door?

Come and get it!

Now this is for the team, but don't worry. You boys get leftovers.

- Oh, oh, oh! - Lunch time!

[Girls clamoring]

Please, don't grab at it! Oh!

At least let us set it down!

[Shouting]

Oh.

This was a two-day retreat.

Yeah, and we've been working on some new warm-ups that we want to show you.

Ooh! Places.

[Sighs]

Now remember, find your inner warrior.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Huh!

Huh!

Huh! Huh! Huh!

Huh! Huh!

Huh! Huh!

Huuuh!

Huuuh!

That was...

Amazing.

[Cheers]

If Fickman could see you now, he'd never say no.

No.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to finish barbecuing these exquisite steaks for the boys' team.

They're having their retreat inside.

Unacceptable.

We can't go to the Worciechowski Tournament in those uniforms you gave us.

Oh, that is a problem.

But I think I have a solution.

You're not going to the tournament.

What?! You can't do that.

I think I just did.

[Music]

Okay, guys. We were shut down by Fickman again.

And that was a real kick to the stomach.

But if he's not gonna help us,

we're not gonna sit around and cry about it. Am I right?

We're gonna help ourselves.

Stains, would you come out here, please?

This is what Principal Fickman thinks we're worth.

Are we gonna stand for this?

Stains, catch.

This is madness!

I bet the boys don't worry about their pants falling off.

- Are we gonna take this sitting down? - Willow doesn't go down!

- [Grunts] - [Grunts]

[Bangs]

Attention, Lady Groundhogs.

Um, we're the Porcupines.

Whatever.

Cue music.

[Dance music plays]

Behold your future uniforms.

This sporty sport short looks great on the court or just sitting on the bench.

That's me. I sit the bench.

I'm gonna look great.

[Clears throat]

The B-Ball tank is perfect for all that dribbily,

drabbily, shooty stuff you girls love to do.

Dunk-tastic, am I right?

I want to get married in that.

We need those uniforms.

We can't let Fickman ruin Willow's wedding.

And we have our common goal.

Step three achieved.

We're all ears, Captain.

How do we get 'em?

This is how.

We're gonna raise money for those uniforms by selling

these bracelets to the kids at school who do support us.

- Are you with me?! - All: Yeah!

Are we gonna tell Principal Fickman he can't push us around?

All: Yeah!

Does everyone want stains to pull up her pants?

Yeah!

Parker, what are you doing? Stop.

Eating a cricket.

To catch a tarantula, you have to eat like a tarantula.

Okay, and where did you hear that?

Oh, the man in my head. He comes up with all kinds of cool things.

Oh, okay, yeah. No, please, carry on.

Stop! Put the bug down.

What's going on?

Okay, fine. I'm tired of the lies. I...

I brought home tarantulas from school, and they kind of sort of got out.

There are gross, hairy tarantulas crawling around our house somewhere?

Find them. Now. [Chuckles]

I know this is completely in my head,

but I feel like I can feel them crawling all over me.

Mom...

What is it?

Just... we love you.

Aw. I love you guys too.

[Blows kiss]

Joke's on you, students.

Mother's going to love this.

- Principal Fickman... - Too late. I've got dibs.

Okay.

The girls' basketball team decided that we weren't gonna wait for

you to come through for us, so we took matters into our own hands.

Are you with me Ridgewood High?

Crowd: Yeah!

Okay, what's going on?

You're about to see steps four and five...

Marching into battle and looking good doing it.

Joey, cue my jam.

[Rock music plays]

[Loud clang]

Thanks for the loaners, but we don't need these anymore.

You said money only goes to the things the student body cares about.

Well, look around.

- I said look! - [Mouths]

She meant look, please.

We're working on manners.

I hate to say it, but I have a new respect for you girls.

[Chuckles]

Really hate to say it.

Are you gonna send us to the Worciechowski Tournament?

I can find room in the budget for that.

[All cheering]

All right, make way, people. I've got to get to the yearbook folks

and tell them I'm just gonna print last year's edition again.

Sorry, ninth graders, you lose.

[Laughing]

Wait, I'm a ninth grader.

That was the best picture I've ever taken.

Wait, please, stop, no!

Nice work.

My porcupine quills feel a little sharper because of you, Captain.

[Grunts]

We really have to thank Liv.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but you are the best teammate I've ever had.

I mean, I never could have rallied the team without you.

Maddie, that's so sweet.

We both know I'm quitting though, right?

- I already cleaned out your fake locker. - [Mouths]

All right, Fighting Porcupines, let's bounce.

[Music]

Hey, Joey.

It was fun hanging at your place this weekend.

That's a cool sandwich you're eating.

I am not eating a sandwich.

I know, but when I practiced this moment at home, I imagined it going down at lunch.

Okay, uh, so...

What...

Is happening?

I heart you.

Do you now?

Do you heart me back?

Not quite sure what to say.

I didn't hear a no.

This man is my property! I own Joey Rooney!

And I will crush anyone I catch looking at him!

Does that make you feel protected and secure?

Oddly, yes. Yes, it does.

Good-bye, my little man.

- [Blows kiss] - [Nervous chuckle]

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