All language subtitles for Lifes Too Short s01e07 Sting, Sophie Ellis-Bextor.eng

Hi, Amy, it's Warwick here.
I just want to say sorry

about what happened at the party
the other night. I'm an idiot.

Give us a call back sometime.

Thanks, bye.

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This is the amount we've arrived at.

Bloody hell. It's like looting!

We feel it's a fair reflection
of what Sue is owed,

given your years together
and the sacrifices she's made.

Sacrifices? She gave up
her career to help with yours.

She didn't do a very job,
cos his career's at rock bottom.

Don't say that.
What career did you give up?

I wanted to be a nurse.

Come on! Do we really need
any more nurses, really?

And you're not cut out
for that sort of work.

I am, but you didn't
want me to do it

because you thought it
would be bad for your image.

Well, it would have.
You can't have a film star

whose wife spends her
days emptying bed pans.

You don't see Brad Pitt
with a wife who's a nurse.

"Hi, Brad, how's it going?"
"Fine. I just won an Oscar."

"How's Angelina?" "She's great.
She's just sticking a pill

"up an old man's arse."
It's ridiculous.

Whatever your feelings, we'll
give you 48 hours to consider,

or we shall have to
take you to court.

Your face... when he said...

Sorry.

It's a little bit awkward, this.

I don't want to
put you on the spot

but I'm getting a bit desperate.

I wonder if you could maybe give me
say five grand, just to live on?

You know, treat it
like a charity donation.

But you're not a charity, Warwick.

As good as, you know.
Got no work, no money.

You know, I am
a charity case, really.

I know you do loads for charity
so just, just treat me as one.

I do do a lot for charity. I've
raised millions this year already.

Steve, though, doesn't
do anything, ever.

He could probably give
you five grand.

Let me tell you the problem there,
let me tell you the problem.

I've got a blanket rule
about never giving money to...

Anyone. To anyone. Yeah.
Friends, family.

Loved ones. Loved ones.
You know what I mean,

anyone I've ever encountered, so...

I give too much away. Too generous.
I'm too generous.

He's not generous,
he's a skinflint. Nothing.

You won't get anything out of him.
There's nothing we can do.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Warwick, come on, you can't
go round begging for money.

You're an actor
and a businessman.

I know, there's just no work. I
mean, the phone has stopped ringing.

I bet your phone is always ringing.
Yeah, and I hate it.

It's usually someone asking
me to do something I

don't want to do.
I've got to do a thing for Sting

next week, hosting a charity
auction, because he calls

and I can't say no
cos it's for charity.

Just cos he wants to save
the world, we've all got to.

And I bet he's going to
bring his fucking lute.

He's never without it these days,
is he? Always with his lute.

I know. I had a party last year,
right, and invited him, OK.

I said to the cloakroom staff, if
he brings his lute, take it off him,

say you've got to have it. So he
came with it, they took it off him,

he was a little bit crest-fallen,
and we're sitting round,

and he was fidgety,
and after about half an hour,

out of his top pocket,
he'd smuggled in some pan pipes.

So he played those,
so I couldn't win.

Be grateful the phone's not
ringing. It might be Sting.

I'd love to meet Sting.

Right. Is there a way you could
get me an invite to that event?

Yeah, I'll get someone to
get in contact with you.

When did you have a party?

I knew you'd say that.
You were away. Where was I?

You were down in Bristol,
um, you had that sore throat

so you went home to your mum
for a whole week, so that's...

It was way more than a sore
throat, it was a proper

major tonsillitis attack,
like barbed wire in there.

You couldn't have possibly
gone to a party. Nasty.

It'd be nice to be invited.
Your mum wouldn't let you go,

not with that...
It'd be nice to be invited

and then say, "Sorry,
I can't make it."

Just doing a typical day's admin.

What's that letter
you've got there?

It's a letter from
the offices of Sting.

From the offices of Sting?
Please read it.

Out loud!

"Dear Warwick, as you may know,
I'm an ambassador"

"for the Global Child Institute,
the anti-poverty charity"

"that works for the world's
poorest children."

I wasn't aware of that, Sting, thanks
for telling me. "I'm hosting a dinner"

"to raise money and
awareness for our cause."

"I'd be delighted
if you could attend."

Course I'll attend. Not many people
get the chance to delight Sting.

"It'll be a fun evening,

"giving you the chance
to mingle with the stars

"while supporting the
vital work of the Institute.

"Yours, Sting." Huge honour.

That's one of the perks of fame.

I suppose all the other stuff,
the press intrusion,

the paparazzi, being
under the microscope 24/7,

you know, it's worth it when
you get something like that.

Someone that you admire says "Yes,
I'm also a huge fan of your work,"

and invites you to dinner.

It's £300 a ticket.
Three hundred pounds?

Yeah.

What an honour, though. Huge honour.

And if Sting personally invites you
to dinner, who cares what it costs?

I don't think he's
invited you personally.

It's just a standard
letter, isn't it?

Look, that's his
signature there, isn't it?

He's signed it and
there's my name written in,

amongst the typing.
And three hundred pounds,

you'd expect to pay
that in a top restaurant.

I wouldn't. They wouldn't let you in
a restaurant that charges £300,

so don't worry about it.
Here's a cheque.

Get that in the post,
please, and frame that.

It says you need that to get in.

That's what I need to get in.

Yeah, hi, Amy, it's,
it's Warwick again.

I've left a couple of messages,
don't know if you got them.

I'd really like to talk to you,
so give us a call back.

OK, bye.

Did I say it was Warwick?

You have to cut back. You can't
afford three grand for the flat.

I need somewhere to live. Yeah, but
you've got to downsize. I'm serious.

You owe the taxman a quarter
of a million pounds.

And this £300? What's that all about?
That's a ticket to a charity night.

Charity? It's important,
all that stuff, you know,

it's good for networking. There'll
be film and TV people there.

Raise the profile, and if I
get a job off the back of it,

a good film role or something,
then we're home free.

Well, you know, I'm glad you're still
smiling. Got to smile, haven't you?

If you didn't, you'd hang yourself.

Then you wouldn't
have all these debts. Mm.

Mm. Would you be better
off dead, financially? Yes.

Don't listen to me, though,
I got you into this mess.

Be difficult for you to
hang yourself, cos you

couldn't reach the rafters
to hang a rope up, so...

Odd thing to say, isn't it?
It's a bit of no-no, isn't it?

Definitely. You could
put your head in the oven.

What? You could get IN the oven,
put the gas on, close the door,

nice and cosy.

You could do pills. No, they
have those little childproof lids.

Take it off for you,
the least I can do.

I'd probably balls that up,
wouldn't I? Dear!

I'm useless, aren't I?

Aren't I?! Yup. I'm the one who
should kill myself, really.

Tell you what, let us
know when you gas yourself,

I'll come round
and get in with you?

Mm, I'm actually getting
genuinely depressed now.

I'm going to be like this
for a couple of days, I think.

I hope I'm not like this
when I go to the divorce court.

I'll probably just go, "Give
her the lot, I don't give a shit."

Good. Thanks for
this little pep talk

Ricky Gervais.

Our host, Sting.

Can I see your invitation,
please, sir? It's Warwick Davis.

I need to see your
letter of invitation.

It's Warwick Davis, actor. Can you
just check your list, please?

Jill, is there a Warwick
Davis on the list?

Where's your invitation? I haven't
got it, staff have lost it.

You need it. I haven't got
it, but I have paid £300,

so do you have a record of that?
Yes, there's a Warwick Davis

on the list, but how
do we know that's you?

Look at my face.

What about it?
I'm a famous actor.

I don't know you from Adam.
Do you have ID?

I don't have ID, didn't
know I needed ID.

It says on the
invite you need ID.

I haven't got the invite, have I?
Put Warwick Davis into Google.

What's the first
website that comes up?

"Warwick Davis: Where Is He Now?"

Not that one,
that's just some prats.

Look at the Internet Movie Database.

"I met Warwick Davis
and he's a total bell end."

Don't go to the forums! Why are you
in the forums? I think it's him.

I mean, look at these comments.
Who'd pretend to be him?

Look at that one. Jesus!

I can see what they mean though.
Yes, the head. Let him in.

What's the worst he can do?

Thank you.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Hi, guys.

Sophie, over here, please.
Over here, Sophie.

Warwick Davis.

Hot in here, innit?

It is hot, yes.

OK, guys, got enough?

Yeah.

Don't get me on the way out.
I'll be worse for wear then!

Warwick, thank you
so much for your support.

Nice to see you.

I know you probably do
loads for charity already.

Yeah, hell of a lot. I don't
want to miss this opportunity

of asking someone like you, with
your showbiz millions, for a favour.

Yeah? What are the chances of me getting
you to sponsor a child in India?

Yeah. Yeah, not a problem.

This is Kalindi.

Great. Yeah. What,
what's the usual donation?

Five pounds a month.
Five pounds? Yeah, sure.

I would think, with your money, £30
a month would be more appropriate.

Thirty pounds? Warwick, £30,
we spend that on daily pedicures!

Definitely. Yeah. Well,
sometimes when we earn big money,

we have to give a little back.

Quite a lot back, let's be honest,
thirty quid a month.

I just fill that in here, do I?
Right here, yeah. Yes, I see.

Let's see...

(Just filling it in... )

How long would you sponsor
a child like this for?

Usually till they're
eighteen. Eighteen?

How old is she now? She's seven.

Seven? A lot of them don't
live till they're eighteen, do they?

That IS the tragedy.

Mm. So she might not last till
she's, I don't know, twelve?

Well, with your help, she will.
Will she? Mm-hmm.

Good. That's good, isn't it?

OK.

What are the big
killers out there?

Dysentery. Dysentery.

So, you know, she could get
dysentery any time and,

and that's... Well, again,
not with your money. Really?

We can supply her
with clean water. Good.

So she's not going to die, which
is obviously good news for her,

and I'm going to end up giving
some kid I've never even met £30

a month till she's eighteen,

so four grand down plus the £300
I spent on a bit of beef.

It's another good day for me
Where do I sign, Stingbo?

Just there.

Ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome Ricky Gervais.
Thank you, thank you.

Yes, thank you very much and
welcome to this charity auction,

which basically means
that anything you bid for

you'll pay about five times
as much as it's worth.

That's all that that means.
Right, let's get on with it.

OK, this is a big,
slimy purple thing.

Is it Charlie Sheen's liver?

Start the bidding at £100. £100.

Thank you. Anyone two hundred?

Thank you. It'll look good on you.
What I am bid? Six hundred.

Seven hundred.

Yes, a thousand pounds
from the lady at the back.

Thank you so much.

Next up, here's a nice one.

Eleven thousand pounds!

Gentleman at the back there,
thank you, sir.

This is the last lot.

This is a meal for
ten people at a top,

Michelin-starred
restaurant in Mayfair.

Yes. OK, so
anyone who hasn't bid yet?

This little fellow hasn't
bid yet. What's your name?

Warwick Davis. We've met.
Warwick hasn't bid yet.

Sting, grassing me up. You're not
actually in the police, you know.

Start at five hundred?
£50, surely, to start with?

You know, work our way up.
Five hundred. One thousand.

Well done, very generous,
that's terrific. £1,500, Warwick?

You said bid, you didn't say I had
to win. Are you in? He's in.

Sting, getting involved again.
£2,000. £2,000, thank you. £3,000?

It was going up in 500s a
minute ago, now it's 1000s.

Can we have some consistency?

Four thousand, Sophie?

No, sorry, I'm out.

What do you mean you're out?
Come on, let her have it.

Look how thin she is, she could
do with the meal more than me.

It's on Warwick at
three thousand. Going, going...

Just like my money. Gone!

Good. Wife's getting me house,

Sophie Ellis-Bextor's
stitched me right up

and little Kalindi's loaded now.

There's always some skinny
bird bleeding me dry.

Hello. Hello. I'm Warwick.

Nice to meet you, Warwick.
Congratulations on your winning bid.

Just wondering if perhaps you
wanted to join me for the dinner.

That's really sweet of you.

Ten places and everything, so...
I really appreciate it,

I'd love to, that's lovely. That's
terrific. Can I bring my husband?

So there'll be two of you? Yeah.

Broken down, it's £300 per
ticket, so, that'll be £600,

and that's at cost.
I'm not making anything.

Sorry, you're charging me?
Yeah, I mean, it's just...

You know what, take people that
you really want to be there.

Your mum, she was my favourite
Blue Peter presenter.

Nice to meet you.

Michelin-starred restaurant.
Three hundred pounds.

You're selling them?
You're selling it now? £300 each.

I'm not making anything on that,
that's cost price to both of you.

I'd love to have you there.

It's not offloading! It's really
just sort of sharing the generosity.

Three hundred pounds per seat.
Warwick, can I have a word with you?

Course you can.
I don't know how to broach this,

but I've been told you've been
bothering people for money.

I've not been bothering people, I've
been collecting for your charity.

No, as I understand it you've been
asking people to donate to you.

It's still going to charity.
I'm grateful for your contribution,

but you're asking
for money for yourself.

I'm trying to recoup my losses. It's
inappropriate to scrounge money.

You're the one
scrounging if anyone is.

I spunked £300 to get in here, three
grand on a meal I don't even want,

and four grand to some kid in India
so she can live better than me.

I mean, it's madness!

I'm sorry you feel that way
but you can't go round scrounging.

Take your lute
and your stupid made-up name

and fuck off back to Newcastle,
you coconut-headed git!

NOW they're taking pictures!

Fucking Sting!
His real name's Gordon!

Yeah, that's it.

So, had to move out
of my flat for various reasons.

You can't afford it, can you?
Can't afford it because of you.

But, yeah, well, I've got
a prime location here

so I thought I'm going to use it
and popped a bed in over there.

That is pathetic.
You're pathetic.

What are you doing?

Nothing. You can't move in here.

Well, why not? Because
I'm the landlord and I say so.

It's my office. It's a place
of business, not a squat.

What, I can never sleep here? No.

What if I was working
late and I felt tired

and I just went over to my bed?
Not allowed.

What if I was working late
and fell asleep at my desk

but I climbed on it first?

No sleeping here. You have
to get your stuff out. Brilliant!

OK, well, saves me
unpacking, doesn't it?

Now officially homeless.
Cheers, mate.

What are you looking at?

You can stay at my mum's
house if you like.

There was a time about a week ago
when I'd have sneered at that

but yeah, I'll take you
up on that offer, thanks.

Mm.

Excuse me.

Fuck's sake!

Happy?

Hiya.

Hi. I called a few times,
probably didn't get the message.

No, I did.

Weren't going to call back?

I'm sorry, it won't happen again.
But I feel like it will happen again.

It won't, I promise.

I have to go.

Please call me.

Maybe.

Please call.

Finally, it looks like
my fortunes are turning.

You explain, it was your...
Yeah, well, I felt I wasn't

really pulling my weight, so I've
been burning the midnight oil

and went through
my old law textbooks.

Yeah, he studied
one term of law school.

Yeah I did, still got the books.
That one hadn't even been opened!

I read through them
and I found something.

A juicy little detail. Yeah,
juicy little detail in this one.

The Law Society Guide to the
Professional Conduct of Solicitors.

Principle 15.5, "A solicitor
who becomes involved"

"in a sexual relationship
with a client should consider

"whether this might place his
interests in conflict with those"

"of the client, or might otherwise
impair the solicitor's ability"

"to act in the best
interests of the client."

What we're talking
about here, people,

is a major conflict of interest, OK?

Ian Wald is sleeping with my wife
AND acting as her solicitor.

It's not on. Not on.
So in about an hour, right,

we've got another meeting,
to sign the divorce settlement.

Going to go in there,
I'll take a look at it

and I'll say um, "Sign here do I?"

"Lovely pen, shame it
ain't going to be used today,"

"cos I'm draging you in front
of the Solicitors Complaints Bureau."

"You're getting disbarred
for unethical behaviour."

Someone just messed with
the wrong midget. Correct.

Dwarf, you can't say midget.

Why not? I don't know.

Yes, that's, that's fine.

Everything seems to be
in order as we discussed.

Do you have a pen?

Thank you.

Nice pen.

It is a nice pen. Lovely pen.

It's just a shame it ain't
going to be used today.

Do you hear that?

It's the sound of justice
slicing through bullshit.

I put it to you that
your relationship with

your client is not
purely professional

but has become one of
a romantic and sexual nature.

What has this actually got
to...? Objection. Overruled.

Don't overrule me! Sorry,
that's a knee-jerk reaction.

If I hear objection, I say overruled.

Didn't even get that from law
school, I got it off the telly!

Sir, I ask you again, would you
characterise your relationship

with your client as being
one of a sexual nature?

Yes, but it's not relevant.

It's not relevant?
May I refer you to exhibit A?

Where's the post-it?

Sorry, there was some
chewing gum I had to get rid of.

I can see where you're looking.

How! All the greasy thumb marks.

Yeah, from my fish and chips!
He's like Sherlock Holmes!

Right, so you are aware
of the Law Society's Guide

to the Professional
Conduct of Solicitors? Yes.

"A solicitor who becomes involved
in a sexual relationship

"with a client should consider
whether this places his interests"

"in conflict with those of his
client or might otherwise impair"

"the solicitor's ability to act in
the best interests of his client."

Case closed! How do you plead?

Warwick, my client
isn't you, it's Sue,

so there's only a conflict of
interests if she says there is.

Do you feel there's
a conflict of interests? No.

No. So this is irrelevant.
Of course.

She's his client, you're mine.
Yeah, that makes sense. My bad.

Well, it was worth a try.
No skin off my nose!

Do you have another one of these
to sign cos I ripped this one up?

There.

So, that's settled then.

We came to an agreement.

She's got half the house
and she bought my half

which all went straight to
the taxman to pay that off.

So, financially, I'm at nought.

No money, no house,
no work to speak of.

Not bad for 41
years on this earth, is it?

Why is that funny?

You're so serious!

I just lost everything.

(Such an idiot.)

This is your room.

There's not much space.

It's sort of a spare room.
We dump all of our junk in here.

There's no bed.
No, I know. No room, too much junk.

It really annoys me when
I see famous people interviewed

and they get asked, "Any regrets?"
and they say "No, no regrets.

"I'd do it all again
exactly the same."

I wouldn't, I'd change a lot. I
wouldn't have the phone stop ringing

after the big films
dried up, for a start.

I love acting.

I wouldn't have my
marriage fail, I regret that.

It hasn't been easy being
three foot six, if I'm honest.

I've had to fight every
step of the way.

But my biggest regret
at the moment

is surely that I'm
living in a drawer.

I could never have predicted that.

It's Amy.

Hello?

No need to be sorry.
It's me that should be saying sorry.

It's good to hear from you.

No. I'm fine, yeah. Just
staying at Cheryl's at the moment.

You know my assistant, yeah?
No, she's let me use the spare room.

No, it's fine, it's comfortable.

So how are you doing?

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