All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S04E03.1080p.HDTV.H264-MTB - mx

- Ah oh!
- What?

I miss the neck brace.

It was like
a powerful turtleneck.

You looked like Robert Redford
in the way we were.

- Well...
- Should I... get a cravat?

You can't just go
from brace to nothing!

So, all good?

Yeah. Got the all-clear.
Got the clean, full bill of health.

She even said that
my weight loss

has made
my penis look bigger.

Did you tell her about
the bed sweats?

- Yeah. She wasn't worried about that.
- Really?

Did you tell her how it soaks
the whole bed now?

Did she not think
that's weird and gross?

She didn't use
those words.

Did you show her the brown thing
that just grew on your leg?

First of all, it's beige,

and, er...
does it bother you

that I've been
declared healthy?

No, it doesn't bother me
that your health.

It's great.

It's just interesting that you can spend
40 years inhaling sausage rolls

and get rewarded with
a clean bill of health.

- Good for you.
- You should get a check-up.

I'm fine.

Oh, are you, now?
I mean, you LOOK fine,

but could be a mess in there.

- What are you laughing at?
- I'm just thinking, you know,

one day each of us is gonna go
to the doctor and be told,

- "I have extremely bad news."
- Jesus Christ!

You know, I think
I'm gonna train for a ten-K.

- Do you wanna join me?
- No.

- Why?
- Because you fart when you run.

Well, if you ran faster, you wouldn't
have to huff 'em, slowpoke.

"Slowpoke"? Oh, my God!

I totally run faster than you.

No, you don't.

This is ridiculous!

It's just silly.
I'm wearing heels.

And carrying a bag.
I wasn't even trying.

Now I'm trying!

I had no idea
I was so healthy.

I'm thinking about competing
in a Masters Tournament or something.

I don't think you qualify
for Masters Tournament

just by being old.

I think you also
have to be good at a sport.

Well, their loss.

I had the full check-up myself
a few weeks back.

Tanya wants to start trying
for a baby.

I figured if I do it right now,
immediately,

there's probably just enough time
for me to watch it grow up

before I run out of steam.

As for my haircuts,
I'm fucked.

Wow!
Why would you do that?

Because she wants a baby.

I already tried to
tell her to do it

with somebody younger,
but she likes me.

And, you know,
she's got a good career,

and her folks have money,
so,

you know,
if I get Alzheimer's

or assassinated her,

and the wee one
should be all set.

Mm.

- You've really thought this through.
- Plus, Tanya's on board

for all my sexual proclivities,
and that is not a given

- for every woman I meet.
- Huh! Tell me about it!

Dave and I'll start
a prayer circle for you.

No, no.
I support older dads.

I mean, I'm in my late 40s.
I've just had a baby.

Um, I know I'm not
as old as you, but...

I'm the same age
as you are, son.

Really?!

Oh! Hey, that reminds me.

Got something to show you.

Is that what we're
eating right now?

BOTH LAUGH

That is Mr Barnaby Honeypot,
Daphne's new pony.

Did you ride it here?
Is it tied to a post out front?

No! It's on our farm!

Oh! We bought a farm... in Kent.
Yeah.

I bought it because I don't want
Daphne getting stabbed to death

in London.
Huh! I'm such a dad now!

Actually,
we're going down this weekend.

You guys wanna come?
You can bring the kids.

- Fuck, yeah.
- I can't this weekend.

Tanya and I
are taking some mushrooms

and going to a Renaissance fair
in Norfolk.

What?

I mean, I feel pretty healthy.
I feel good,

except for
the peeing myself thing.

I mean, it used to just happen
when I was trampolining,

and now it's just...
whenever as needed.

Is there anything we could do
about that?

God, no.

We're probably closer to
curing cancer

than figuring out how
the hell mothers

not pee when they
don't want to.

Oh.

So, we've got your tests back.

I'm afraid your cholesterol level
is quite high for a woman your age.

Are you sure?
My cholesterol feels fine.

Also, your bloods are indicating
a high level of fat

around your organs,
and, I have to say,

- your mobility isn't great.
- What? What does that mean?

Er, you couldn't touch your toes
earlier.

Some people just can't do that.
It's like wiggling your ears

- or moon-walking.
- But the good news is,

your weight is within the healthy
limit for your age and height.

So the package is
the right size,

but what's inside
is just shit?

No.You're saying if you took
a normal-size mannequin

and filled it with meatballs
and margarine, that'd be me?

That's not what I'm saying.

Well. Medically that's
what you're saying.

Fine.

I just never thought of myself

as unhealthy before.
I'm a runner.

How are you a runner?

I used to run
cross-country at uni.

Yeah. I used to
build pillow forts.

It doesn't mean
I'm currently an architect.

Yeah, but...
muscle memory!

Hey!
Are you going raving?

No, running. What, I'm baby-sitting
so you can go running?

Yeah.
Fair enough.

You know, you should be careful.
My uncle Kevin started running

when he was your age like,
60 or whatever. He did one run

- and collapsed and died.
- Well, that's unlikely to happen.

Older people are better off standing
still. You get to a certain age

and you start exercising,
you shake bad stuff loose

and it gets in your bloodstream
and it poisons ya,

and you just drop dead
straight away.

OK. See you about
half seven, Anna.

Thank you.

- How far was that?
- Er, 2.3 miles.

What? Miles?
Well, bloody hell!

That's good.

We'll get a Tube back,
though, right?

Oh, yeah.

So fuckin' dangerous.

What if
a kid ran out?

Tell him
to slow down.

Slow down.

Argh! Oh!

Agh!
What just happened?

Oh, God, my eyes!

- Agh! Oh, my God, it's acid!
- What?!

- Rob! Rob!
- Argh!

Oh, wait.
It tastes like juice.

It...
No, it's just juice.

Argh!

Oh!
Bloody hell!

- That was a bit dramatic!
- Oh, really?!

Well, you didn't just have
acidic juice shot in your face.

Fuckin' heck!

Do you wanna start
running with me?

Not really.
Why?

Because I've got fatty organs,
and Rob won't run with me anymore

because he's scared of London.
I don't wanna join a gym

because of the mirrors.
And the people.

"Oh, and the smell."

It's like every breath you take
has wiggled its way

through 20 pairs of
sweaty buttocks.

Do you want to come to military
fitness in the park with me?

Yeah, yeah, sure.
How do I do that? Do I...

PHONE BEEPS

Fran, I'll call you back, OK?

What's up? Are you all right?

I'm just calling to check
that you're OK.

- Have you seen the news?"
- No. Why?"

There was an incident
in town.

A guy drove a car into
a crowd of people

in front of the M&M store.

No, that was me.

I wanted some M&Ms
and I forgot my purse.

Honey, a guy died, OK?

There was a stampede.
It's very upsetting!

Yeah, I tell you
what's upsetting, is

you thought I was
at the M&M store.

All right. Well, just
stay away from that whole area.

What about Kinder Egg Village?
Can I go there?

Fuck! No!

Aah!

SHE MOANS / GASPS

- Same time next week.
- See you then.

Goodbye, Douglas.

Don't say my name.

*CATASTROPHE*
Season 04 Episode 03

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Welcome to paradise!

Wow!

Mwah!

Through here we have
the kitchen garden.

Every vegetable
you could ever need

err, carrots,
baby carrots,

- purple carrots...
- Cool!

And this... is what sealed
the deal

when we were viewing
the place.

- A sewer?
- No, man!

It's a bunker!

You wanna get in?

Oh, no. I try never
to go in holes.

Caves, holes, tubes...
Not really my scene.

You might wanna think
about it,

with the state of the world
these days.

I mean,
if you have a family,

you really should have
a bunker.

It's something to consider.

We're not getting
a bunker!

So, do you have Daphne strapped
to you all the time?

Sure.

- How do you shower?
- Oh, I have a waterproof one.

Dave's a
very involved parent.

There's not much for me
to do,

outside of flopping out
the odd tit.

Hey, it is a pleasure
and a privilege.

Oh, I love being a dad!

It is the highest high of all.
Am I right?

I dunno.
I feel like having kids

is like strapping yourself
to a Formula 1 race car.

You know. Boom!

Your life is over.
But not in a bad way.

Yeah.
You just have

to take everything
you ever wanted

and put it in a box,
because you never...

But, yeah.
It's great, you know?

So, you think this could become
a permanent move?

- Oh, yeah.
- No.

Ahg-hmm.

Well, I dunno. I dunno if I want
Daphne growing up in London.

You slip on a banana peel there,
go to the emergency room,

it takes you six hours
to get seen

because of all the knife victims
bleeding out all over the floors.

Everyone at this table,
including you,

knows that's not true.

I dunno.
I mean, when I was attacked...

- With juice.
- ..with what we now know was juice...

Well, we figured it out
pretty fast.

All right.
Well, outside I was screaming,

but inside, I was just, like,
"Oh, right. Now this. Yeah."

It's like there's this
low-level feeling of menace there

that we've all gotten used to,
but that I never really noticed

- before the attack.
- It was juice!

Look, I don't care if MY face
gets melted, you know?

- I'm married.
- Hang on. I...

I care if your face gets
melted.

- I have to look at you.
- Well, no. All I'm saying is,

I care more if our kids' faces
get melted, you know?

I don't want my kids' faces
to get melted.

That's
all I'm saying.

Why'd you buy
a baby a pony?

What...?

So, Chris and the buxom ingenue
went away for the weekend.

Jeffrey chose to stay with
his friend Toby instead of me,

- which I found devastating.
- Mm.

So, that's something
you've got to look forward to

when your kids get older, and
they throw you out in the rubbish,

- the coffee grounds and fish heads.
- He'll come back to you.

- It's probably just a phase, right?
- Yeah.

Anyway, I've got my volunteer work.
I've got my loom.

And Douglas is keeping me occupied,
texting me.

Like an eager puppy since we started
that little game.

A puppy
with a throbbing human penis.

Ah, Jesus, Fran!
It's all a bit Apple Tree Yard, isn't it?

No.

The sex is, like...

Everything about him,
I mean physically, is just...

- Even his scrotum's attractive.
- How can you say that?

The scrotum's a design flaw.

You ask ten women what the worst
thing they saw in their life was,

for eight of them
it'll be scrotum-related.

Well, I like what I like.

- I don't follow the herd.
- Girls, we like to talk!

Green 12,
squat jumps the length of the cones.

Green seven,
you can skip.

All right.

Engage your core
while you skip.

- What?
- Engage your core.

- Yeah.
- Flex it!

- Tighten it!
- I am!

Fucking hell!
Can you make it harder than that?

- No!
- OK. Green 12, you can start skipping.

Green seven, burpees.

What are you doing?
Why are you taking photos?

- For my Facebook page.
- Well, hang on. Just let me...

His face was blurry
because he was on a moped,

and, you know,
I had juice in my eyes.

Right. And I don't wanna sound
bigoted, but he was brown.

Er, Mediterranean brown,
not, like, Muslim brown.

Um, I can't say
that he wasn't Muslim,

but I don't care.
That's not my angle.

Um, is there a statute of limitations
for a crime like this?

Well, I'm more comfortable
calling it a prank.

All right. Well,
whatever you wanna file it under.

I think I'm gonna file it
under juice.

It was juice this time. I mean,
I think it could've been a rehearsal,

you know, pre-calculated.

I think it might've been a rehearsal
for a bigger plan.

You know, they did that for 9/11.

- Do you work in security?
- No. Pharmaceuticals.

Hey!

What are you doing?

I just saw one of those guys
from the house next door

- that you were worried about.
- What guys?

When was I worried
about them?

Don't you think
there's something up with them?

I mean, who are they?

It's a gang of guys living together.
They're not gay.

- How do you know?
- I've never seen 'em do one gay thing!

- Have you ever seen 'em kiss?
- Have they ever seen US kiss?

OK. Here's the thing.
They come and they go.

They have that bright
fluorescent light on all the time.

OK. Tell me, what do you think
they're doing in there?

I've narrowed it down to
two possibilities. Okay.

It's either a weed
farm... house,

or they're making weapons.

Oh, my God!
You need to stop this.

We have to be vigilant.
I reported my attack today

to the police, and they didn't seem
to take it seriously at all.

No shit.

You know, we should think
about something like Dave's setup.

I mean, obviously a bunker's insane,
but maybe a panic room.

Not a full panic room,
but maybe some Kevlar curtains,

- and, you know, soundproofing.
- Oh, my God!

- What?
- Jesus, that pisses me off!

- Look at the state of me!
- You look fine!

Oh, great. Great.

Now I can never trust
anything you say ever again.

What the f-...

What's a Baba Yaga?

It's like
a Russian folklore monster.

It's a thing that lives in the woods
and eats kids.

Why were you reading
about Baba Yaga?

I'm not.
I'm reading a comment

under a picture of me.
Why am I purple?

Someone put a purple filter
on me.

Ah, come on!

Hey, buddy,
you're back!

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Jeffrey.

Yo.If you're hungry,
there's halloumi burgers here.

No, thanks.
I've eaten my halloumi for the year.

How was the show?

My friend LaVar saw it, tonight.
He said it was terrific.

Really?
Well, we had to use two understudies,

and one of them improvised
the entire second act,

and it tanked. So,
who's full of shit, you or LaVar?

Jeffrey!

I'm going to bed.

That was rude!

Look,
I'm sorry things are different.

I'm sorry your mum and I split up,
but we were unhappy,

and we didn't want you
to be around that.

I was fine.

And you guys might have
been miserable,

but at least you were miserable
in one place,

our home.

Now you're just miserable
in two places.

I'm not miserable.

You will be, because there's no way
that that is gonna last.

She'll get bored of having
an old-man boyfriend and leave you,

and then you go running back to Mom
and she won't take you back,

then the next thing you know,
you'll be 50, bald, and alone.

I'm gonna be 50 in November.
How am I gonna go bald that fast?

Are you gonna hold me down
to shave my head?

I know you're angry,
but I will press charges.

Don't you
fucking think that I won't.

Come here.

I think, green ten, if for the rest
of the day you wanna join beginners?

- All right? Got a blue bib.
- I'm not a beginner at working out.

- I'm gonna stay with my friend.
- It's not about killing yourself.

It's about doing your best,
working up a sweat, having fun.

I'm not here to have fun.
I'm here to get rid of the fat

around my organs,
and I'm not joining beginners, OK?

- That's humiliating.
- You puked behind the tree earlier.

Let's just see how you get on
at a lighter pace.

We don't want you
having a heart attack.

Fuck this.

Seriously...

fuck... this pretend-army bullshit.

Let's go, Fran.

I've paid for a block of classes,
so I'll be staying.

And you know what?
You can take down those photos

that you put up of me
on your website,

- because I did not agree to those.
- You posed for them.

Yeah!

Because I didn't know
you'd be using them to humiliate me,

did I? Manipulating them,
putting joke filters on there!

I didn't put those photos.

Well, somebody put some
sort of purple filter on there, OK?

Like,
"Ha, ha, ha. Look at this idiot,

getting ready to have
a heart attack!"

Look, I know this is tough, OK?
But that's what we're here for.

You can do this.
Six weeks ago,

Suzy was in the same shape
as you.

Look at her now.

Will you take the photos down?

Will you at least
disable comments?

I called my mum yesterday.

She told me two of my aunties died
of heart disease.

Well, you're Irish, so,
what you have, like, 85 aunts?

If only two of them died of
heart disease, it's pretty good.

Yeah, but what about my dad?
He died young.

- Well, honey, he was 70.
- 70? That's nothing these days.

It's like dying in your 40s.
My parents had me in their 30s.

I had my dad all my adult life.
He knew his grand-kids, sort of.

If I die in my 70s,
my kids will barely be 30.

They won't have had kids.
No way, not millennials.

- They don't give a shit about anyone.
- Well, you can't think like that.

I mean, maybe Frankie'll get a girl
pregnant when he's 17.

Well, that would be terrible.

Would it? I mean, you'd get to know
your grand-kids longer, so...

I'm just sayin',
nobody knows what's gonna happen.

I just wanna live a decent while.
That's all.

I don't want my heart to pack in.

Your heart's not gonna pack in.
And, if it does,

I'll defibrillate you.
It's not even a big deal these days.

Promise?

OK.

Oh, shit! Fuck!
I forgot!

I got you something.

Aww!
I miss the neck brace.

Do you like it? Try it on!

Take it off.

Seriously,
you look like a fisherman simpleton.

Oh!

I look like I'm gonna try and sell
you a home-made Mooncup

out of the back of my Subaru.

You look like a...
You look like a college poetry teacher

who tells girls he invented
the "Me Too" hashtag.

I look like, er,
one of those Dutch guys, you know?

- Who?
- Who ride the thing.

- No. Which...
- You know, they...

Well, I can't think of the, um...
Anyway, it doesn't matter.

- That's the guy.
- What?

That's the guy who attacked me.

- What are you doing?
- Hey! Hey, asshole

- who squirted juice in my face.
- Who you calling arsehole?

I'm calling an asshole
an asshole.

- Whoa!
- You can't touch me. I'm 13.

What? Really?
Well, you're pretty tall for 13.

You should've thought of that before
you did your acidic-juice attack.

What are you doing?
You're still on probation.

- Plus they're children.
- I realise that now.

- I'm just gonna scare 'em.
- Wait...

You know,
I dunno where the heck you get off -

Argh! Agh! Oh!

Oh, yeah. Good one!

Well, guess what?
I'm not scared this time,

because I know that it's...
What is that - pineapple juice?

What, are you a baby?

Why don't you drink
an adult juice?

Whatever.

Let's go.

- Did you scare them?
- They'll remember me.

♪♪ Catastrophe Theme
by Oli Julian...