All language subtitles for Armed 2018 en

Well, it's another
hot day in sunny California.

- If you ask me, this is climate change in full effect.
- Oh, here we go.

- It's never been this hot!
- It's the summer, man!

It's the 4th of July!

You deny that
the polar ice caps are melting.

Okay, deny this, there's been
another mass shooting in the news.

You know what,
let's just take a call.

Caller number one, how are we
gonna stop these mass shootings

- if we don't have gun sense?
- Hey, yeah, am I on?

- Caller number one, you're on.
- Oh, I just wanna say,

the problem ain't that you have
too many guns in California.

It's that y'all
ain't got enough guns.

Okay, sounds
like you've got an accent.

- Where you from?
- We's passing through.

That's all you need to know,
but I'm gonna tell you what.

We got a saying back home,
"There's nothing stops

a bad guy with a gun
like a good guy with a gun."

See, the problem is
the good guys ain't armed.

Here's the reality, folks.

There's been mass shooting
after mass shooting.

Sometimes,
people are present with guns.

Guess what, they run away too,
they get shot too,

because it's very, very difficult
in a chaotic situation

even for a gun-owner
to do anything but run.

The reality is that if we want
to stop mass shootings

you don't arm everybody there;

you take guns away
from crazy people

who shouldn't have them
in the first place.

Second amendment, apple pie,

4th of July, that's America.

A man was
stopped by the police today

and was found to have a cache
of assault weapons

in the trunk of his vehicle.

Saying
that one in five Americans

are now being prescribed
antidepressants.

If we want
to have a healthy society,

we have to be in harmony with
each other and with the planet.

And the first thing
we have to do

is to take some of these
weapons of war

out of the hands
of ordinary people

and give people the tools
to build a better society.

We're not talking
about taking anyone's guns away.

- We're just talking about making America safe again.
- USA! USA!

Speaking of safe, what are
you doing for the 4th of July, darling?

We're thinking of
going to the Santa Monica Pier

to see the fireworks
or maybe up to Big Bear.

That sounds good.

Get out of the city
into the wilderness.

Make sure you don't start no
wildfires with those fireworks.

What are you, Smokey the Bear?

Are we back on
climate change now?

- What? What do you mean?
- Ice caps and stuff?

Just making
sure the lady stays safe.

The 4th
of July, as I like to say,

it's always been one
of my favorite holidays.

We urge you not to do
any fireworks at home.

...when we see
these mass shootings keep happening.

Would we be safer
if our teachers were armed?

Hell no,
our schools would be a war zone!

The US gun death
rate is higher than the one...

Guns, desserts, and fireworks.

So, go ahead
and be safe out there.

Happy birthday, America!

Mm.

Who the hell are you?

I wanna know who you are.

I wanna know who
you fucking work for.

Huh?

We gon' find out.

Come on, y'all, first
fade of the day is free 99.

- Hell nah.
- Hell no.

Come on, no?

See you and that
old fool behind me,

y'all got the same type of hair.

You got that Michael Jackson
head curl,

and you got that Idris Elba,
you know what I'm saying?

- Come on, man.
- Damn, your wife is ugly.

Yeah, well, everybody
knows that 90 percent

of pretty women just lay there,
want you to do all the work,

but an ugly woman,
she knows how to work it.

She can get milk out of a crowbar.
Ain't that right, Chief?

- That's some sexist shit.
- But real is real child, I can't deny it.

I wouldn't know, 'cause my wife is a
fine ass freakologist that will drop

- some Kama Sutra on your ass.
- Yeah, right.

You telling me
if badass Rihanna

came in here butt-booty-ass
naked covered in hot butter,

- you ain't gonna do nothing?
- Yeah, I'd do something.

I'd ask the queen
to grace my throne

and then I would give her
a badass line.

If Rihanna should enter here, I
will eat her like fried chicken.

- What?
- You know, I don't see

what is wrong with loving
and respecting your wife.

- Preach!
- Amen.

I've been loving and respecting
my wife for 18 years.

Even my girlfriend knows that.

Hey, Chief, turn the TV up.

That's happening
right around here.

Breaking
exclusive on a missing person.

High school senior
Stacey Bastion has gone missing.

She was last seen with her
friends at the Fox Hills mall

wearing her school uniform.

...and her parents
are offering a 50,000-dollar reward

for any information
as to her whereabouts.

In other news, there's been
another mass shooting today.

This sort of thing just seems to be
happening with more and more frequency.

Three hundred thousand
Americans have died in a ten-year period.

If Al Qaeda came over here
and killed as many people

as are killed in one day
by US gun violence,

it would be considered
a national emergency.

See, old white men
who run the NRA

don't even care
when their own kids get shot.

Fool, didn't you pay attention
in school?

Don't you know the first thing
the federal government did

under President Abraham Lincoln?

They whooped the South's ass and
then freed all the black folks.

- That's right.
- Then of course, later,

you got some black folks in the
White House as the first family

and all these crackers
lost their mind,

acting a fool, talking about,
"Take back America,

we want our country back."

Reality is they still trying
to overthrow the government

and that's why they don't want
nobody to know

how many guns they got
and who got 'em.

- Amen!
- That's why they support Donald Trump.

'Cause they figure, "Here's
a cracker just as dumb as me!"

- Stupid!
- No, what's stupid

is young black men with tattoos
all over they face

and they neck
shooting each other.

- Back up on my nephew.
- No, no, no.

I got something for him.

I'm gonna tell you what's
stupid, is old folk

losing their women
to young brothers like me.

Where's Santos?

Uh, yeah, Santos, he...

he phone in, he's sick,
he says he's sorry.

I need my hair cut today,
Santos cuts my hair.

I know, I know, he apologized.

Uh, hey, young brother.

I'm filling in for Santos, man.

Maybe this is manifest destiny.

You tried the rest,
get with the best.

Young brother,
you know The Rock?

His hair texture
is just like yours, man.

Now I know he's follically
challenged right now,

but back in the day, I cut his double's
hair twice, and baby, no problemo.

Huh?

Chief, this guy is... his brother's
Mexican mafia. You don't want this.

You know what, I'm afraid,
we're all afraid.

I get it.

But see, I'm scared
for the young girl

that you're taking
to the quinceañera, right?

That's why you're dressed up so pretty,
you're going to the quinceañera?

See, aha. I got ya, right?

I'm worried,
because she won't be able

to keep all the chiquititas'
hands off you

once I do what I do to your 'do.

I know, you look a little
like Bruno Mars now,

but, baby, I'ma bring it to you.
Come on, come on down.

Look here, in the past,
Santos cut your hair.

And in the future, who knows?

But right now,
this moment is the gift

and that's why they call it
the present.

Do you... have the willpower,

the strength, the foresight
to recognize

that the universe
is bringing you a present?

And everything
happens for a reason.

Hey, your brother wanted this
done now and I ain't coming back.

Are you serious?

Yeah, don't even trip,
don't trip on them.

I got you.

I'm not going to a quinceañera.

I'm going to
my father's funeral.

Fuck up, yours will be next.

Uh, Hector, I got to go,
I got a hot date.

- You got two more appointments.
- I got to go.

- I'm just gonna shave at home.
- I got a cake in the oven.

- What about...
- Hector, I'll see you later.

"If you can keep
your head when all about you

are losing theirs
and blaming it on you,

trust yourself,
when all men doubt you,

but make allowances for their..."

You doing some
kinda voodoo shit?

No, no, brother, that's Kipling.

Poetry, I recite
a little Kipling

every now and then
to keep me focused.

Keep my head right,
give me that extra.

I don't wanna hear
no weird shit, just line me up.

What, now you're hungry?

No, no, no, no, man, it's, um...

it's time for some...
some old school perfection.

I got you, I got you,
I got you, I got you.

What happened? Hey!

It was an accident, he's new here!

You, you are fired, get out!

- Go, get out!
- Fucked up.

- Go get him!
- If you can't swim, you drown.

If you don't smile,
you must be frowning.

If you ain't trying,

you dying.

There he is, go, hurry up!

Vamos, vamos!

Let's go!

Come on, feet.

Come on, run.

Guilty of what
they say you done.

Come on, legs.

Don't be mean.

♪ One in the chamber
More on the way ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop in the USA
One in the chamber ♪

♪ More on the way ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop in the USA ♪

♪ One in the chamber
More on the way ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop in the USA ♪

- You still got it.
- ♪ One in the chamber ♪

♪ More on the way ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop in the USA ♪

♪ One in the chamber
More on the way ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop in the USA ♪

♪ One in the chamber
More on the way ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop in the USA ♪

Oh, I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Are you nuts?

- Do I look okay?
- Oh, shit.

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, shit.

- Please, not today.
- Your camera all right?

It's not even mine.

The bike...

the bike is mine.

Oh, shit.

Why does this
keep happening to me?

I try...

I try to stay positive.

That's good,
my therapist would say,

"We're like walking magnets,
and if you keep your magnet

tuned to the positive, you know,
you're gonna draw in positive."

Except I drew in a Looney Tune
who runs out of nowhere

- and knocks me on my ass.
- No, no, no.

Listen, I'm having an
extraordinarily bad day too,

but I keep in mind,
they say everything,

every little thing happens for...

If you say everything
happens for a reason

and life doesn't give you
anything you can't handle,

- I'll fucking scream.
- Okay, listen.

I'ma give you some...
a little money

for your bike, your damages.

Where's my wallet,
where's my wallet?

You can't even find your wallet.

- No, no, I got it.
- Classic.

Just forget about it, okay?

No, no, I'll get it,
I'll get it,

I'll find it, I'll find it.

They're gonna be deaf
by the time...

They're after you too.

What?

Jonesie?

That's right.

They ain't got me yet, Chief.

Yeah, but they're trying.

- Oh, man, what's it been, ten years?
- You crazy fucker.

- You look like shit, Chief.
- I know, man.

You look exactly the same.

- How'd you get in here?
- You know me, you have to ask?

Bodyguard business has been
booming for you, huh?

No, no, no, no, man, no, no, no.

Listen, I lost my security
business years ago.

I'm just staying
at my brother's crib

till I get back on my A game.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen.

He's a particular son of a
bitch, so you gotta be careful

with all of his
little pretty toys.

What you listening to, man?

Oh, you playin' the Pachelbel,
I like it.

You said every hero
needs theme music.

It's their job for a life.

Especially around
the 4th of July.

Hey, Jonesie,
you all right, man?

Why are you here, dude?

You needed me, so here I am.

Okay, let's try it another way.

How about, Jonesie,
who's chasing you?

And what the fuck's going on?

Exactly,
that's the question, "Who?"

It's the agency,
who's behind the curtain

and why are they doing
this to us?

Come on.

Come on, I saw your meds.

The same ones they prescribed
to me, for all of us.

- Jonesie.
- I saw your meds.

You break into my brother's home

and now you're going through
my shit?

You really have no idea
how FUBAR this is, do you?

At first, it's the insomnia.

Then the panic attack starts.

Those fuckers suck.

Then the nightmares
turn into day-mares.

You remember Private Davis,
right?

The religious kid,
thought we were going to hell.

That poor son of a bitch
jumped 16 flights to his death.

He left a note saying,

"The demons are coming
for all of us."

Patchinsky's on a no-fly list,
he thinks he's a terrorist.

Riddick is in a padded cell.

It's like almost whatever
you fear most, you...

You manifest.

You manifest.

Manifest.

When my parents passed away,
I had to go stay with my uncle.

He lived in the hood.

It was always dark and damp,

and there was roaches
everywhere, man.

You had to sleep
with the lights on.

Anyway, one night I guess
the bulb burnt out,

because, baby, I woke up,
there were roaches everywhere.

Like on my bed, in my clothes,
in my fucking hair.

Then I started getting
these earaches

and I'm losing my balance,
and my uncle's saying to me,

"Nah, nah, no,
it's psychosomatic.

You know, just toughen up."

Finally, he gets me
to a doctor and then...

turns out one of the roaches

had crawled in my right ear
and laid eggs.

I could've lost hearing
in my right ear.

And now I'm seeing
roaches again.

And I tell myself they're not
real, I know it's in my head.

Something happened
to us in that raid, Chief.

The feds never told us
what was going on

in that lab, did they?

Was it nerve gas?

Sarin gas?

Police, open up.
Open up, this is LAPD.

- Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
- Cops know I'm here.

- Jonesie, put that away, relax.
- What are the cops doing here?

- Jonesie, listen.
- Stow the weapon.

- Yeah, you got it.
- This is the police,

we need to speak with you.

Good evening, sir,
have you seen this girl?

Here's a flyer
of what she looks like.

- Her name is Stacey Bastion.
- No, officer, I haven't.

Call us if
you do, thank you for your time.

Chief.

Yeah, it's nothing, man.

It's about that missing girl.

They think she might still be
in the neighborhood.

Here? With all the rich folks?

Got us a bogey, six o'clock.

Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

That's Max, my brother rents
the guesthouse to him.

He's just a musician,
he keeps to himself.

- I don't trust him.
- You don't trust anybody.

- Come away from the window.
- Hold on, no, I trust you.

- This is not a good time.
- We need you.

- They gave me a week.
- Who? Who's we?

The team, the squad,
there's only five of us left

but they're talking about doing
something, I'm scared, sir.

Merc is filling up their heads
with this vengeance talk.

- Merc?
- People could get hurt, yes, Merc.

- Like crazy demolition Merc?
- Yeah.

Yes.

You tell everybody
to stand down.

Nobody, nobody does anything
without my orders.

All right?

Especially that wack job Merc.

Yes, sir.

I know a guy with
some contacts on the inside.

Okay?

- We wait for your orders.
- Okay.

- Yes, sir.
- All right, come on.

One more thing.

Can I, uh...
can I rack with you?

Just for a couple days.

You mean stay here?

- Jonesie.
- No, I promise I won't touch anything, I...

Jonesie, I'm not... this is
my brother's place, okay?

- Okay?
- Please, please.

Please.

I won't touch a thing.

Can't be alone right now, sir.

All right, okay, okay,
all right.

You stay in my
niece's room, okay?

I'll get you a towel.

Please don't...
don't touch anything.

- Please.
- I won't touch, I swear.

Jessica, let's go,
we're gonna miss this flight.

Almost done.

Big bro, do me a favor
and hang this up for me?

- I got you.
- Carefully.

That's some expensive shit.

- Jessica!
- Yeah, I got it.

Don't wear my shit,
we ain't kids no more.

- Dad, I'm ready.
- Hey, Jess, Jess, check this out.

I got my music
linked to my pulse.

Whatever I feel, it plays.

All new jams,
I'm gonna do this app.

I'ma call it "Mood Music
From the Soul."

Yeah, only I control
what goes into my ear holes,

and who goes into my room,
right?

Jessica, go outside
and make sure the driver knows

what terminal we're going to,
all right?

All right. Grab the bags,
big bro.

You remember what Pops
used to tell us, right?

- Three kinds of people in this world.
- Uh-huh.

Those who watch things happen.

Those who complain
about things that happen.

And those
who make things happen.

How you think
I was able to afford

this big, beautiful house?

- Paid for.
- Yeah.

You the kinda brother
that makes things happen.

There it is, exactly.

How do you think
I was able to afford this

candy-coated mid-life-crisis
old-school paid for?

- 'Cause you the kinda brother that makes things happen.
- You damn right.

All while putting my daughter
through law school

and having a fat-ass 401k.

- I'll take that.
- Thank you, man.

Now, come here,
let me talk to you, all right?

Come here, listen.

You got a birthday
coming up soon, okay?

No more excuses,
no more bullshit.

It's never too late
to get your life together.

You understand me?

Four rules,
don't touch, don't wear,

and don't drive any of my shit,

and no visitors at the house,
you got me?

This means a lot to me.

It better.

Come here, bro.
Love you, brother.

I do want you to touch
some soap and water.

Now take a shower
'cause you stink.

And make sure you're gone
by the time we get back.

Bye, Jess.

If you can meet with triumph...

and disaster...

and treat those two imposters
just the same...

Hey, hey, you need a lift?

Are you freaking following me?

What, no, no, it's me,
I'm the guy from the other day.

I'm the one that
killed your bike.

Listen, I am really,
really sorry about that.

Where are you headed?

Uh, Venice Beach.

If you hop in now
I can give you a ride.

So, Mr. Can't Find
His Wallet's a baller.

I found it.

All this material eye candy
belongs to my brother.

It's a long story.

Chief Jason Pratt,
Securities Offices.

So you're a secure guy?

- It's an old card.
- All flash and still no cash

to reimburse me for my bike.

Can I use your backseat?

Uh, yeah.

You know, I'm gonna reimburse
you for your bike.

That's for sure.

So... did you lose your job?

My job. You... you know what,

nothing that is truly ours
can be lost.

That job lost me.

We're not defined by
our bank accounts

or what people think of us.

Onwards and upwards,
that's what I say.

I thought you were some kind
of model or something.

What's with the business get-up?

I do erotic performance
art micro films

- and I post 'em on my channel.
- So, you have, like, followers?

No, I'm transitioning into
couple's intimacy counseling.

I conducted my first
interview today.

So, you're like a...
a sex therapist?

I teach body awareness
through tantric yoga.

So many couples
avoid true intimacy,

and without intimacy
you can't have

a deep emotional connection.

You know what,
my wife would love that.

She's always trying to get me
into counseling.

She says sometimes
it just felt like sex to her.

A true orgasm can be
a spiritual experience.

- You're messing with me, right?
- Seriously!

Couples that learn together,
last together.

This Friday we're holding a
One Love community youth fair.

You should bring your wife.

There'll be face painting,
art classes, capoeira.

Just bring whatever skill set
it is you have.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna be pretty
busy for a little while, so.

Oh, okay, Mr. Busy.

Besides posing as your brother,

what's your contribution
to the world?

- Where are you?
- Moments away.

- What should I wear?
- Oh, you're kidding me.

- No, I'm not!
- Okay, go with primary colors

and the boxer look,
take deep yogi breaths.

- Everything will be fine.
- Okay, but hurry!

Are you an ass or a tit man?

- What?
- Boobs or booty?

Uh, booty.

That's great,
you're doing amazing.

♪ Shake that
Thing like it's a sport ♪

♪ I love it when you wear
The booty shorts ♪

♪ You best stop
Acting bougie ♪

♪ And let me see you bounce
That booty ♪

Everybody, let's go!

Don't bother
leaving a message, fuckhead.

You're crazier than me.

Jonesie, where are you, man?

I'm in Werdin alleyway,
we're late.

Slow motion,
and hand over your cell.

Ah, don't eyeball me,
motherfucker.

Hm, hm.

You sure do look pretty.

I'm sorry, Chief.

Bitching out.

We're in the belly of the beast.

All those eyes in the sky,
you gotta stay sharp, sir.

- You're late. Yes, sir.
- I got detained.

- Put your piece away.
- This?

This ain't mine, it's yours.

All right, take it, take it,
it's your birthday.

It's a SIG P226, the Navy SEALs
actually use those.

Holds about 20 in the mag.

Got it off some gun dealers.

Second Amendment, baby,
am I right?

No waiting, no background checks
even for crazy fuckers like us.

I told you to wear a suit, man.

We gotta be taken
seriously here.

What are you doing
with my phone?

Magnetic box.

One second.

All right,
as far as GPS is concerned,

you're heading on that bus.

Give us about 20 minutes here
and another ten minutes

to beat the bus to Crenshaw.

Retrieve your cell phone,
we're good.

It's time. Now, brother,
you gotta dial the crazy back.

You listen to me,
you gotta dial down the crazy.

This is a good guy,
he's trying to help us.

I think you should go
on your own.

Brother, we're in this together.

Please, don't speak
that governmentese no more, man.

Metal and security streaming
at the chrome dome.

- What the fuck is that, man?
- Chrome dome, man.

Tape and tin foil, all right?

It takes away the
low frequency microwaves

and it keeps them
from getting in your head.

Jonesie, please, you look like
the tin man, like, on crack.

Holy shit, holy shit.

Holy shit.

So, every 15 minutes,
they keep coming back to...

Hey, Richard!

- Richard!
- I gotta get this.

I gotta get this,
I'll talk to you later.

We'll see you at the office.

Richard. Richard!

Hey, hey, man, hey, buddy.

- It's me.
- I know!

I can see that...
Hold, yeah, really.

No, no, no, for sure, for sure.

Yeah, I'll see you in ten,
I'll see you, all right.

- Wow, look at you.
- Hey, hey.

And I'm not the only one.

Crazy shit is happening
to the other guys too.

- What other guys?
- My old team.

- Are you off your meds?
- Don't do that.

Please, don't give me that
bullshit patronizing look

like I'm crazy, man.

Come see for yourself,
all right?

Five minutes, five minutes.

Come see for yourself,
come see for yourself.

All right, I'd like you to meet
Jonesie McAlpine,

the baddest US Marshal you
could have watching your six.

Just hear him out, all right?

Keep an open mind.

Jonesie, tell him
what you told me.

Tell him about Davis.

He knows, he's in on it.

Richard is here
to help us, brother.

Look, man, we were exposed to
some sort of chemical or some...

Here we go,
we're just gonna go down

the dark hole
of conspiracy theories.

No, there's historical
precedent for this, man.

Think about what they did
to the Tuskegee Airmen

or the LSD trials in 'Nam.

I'm not thinking about it.

You can't trust him.

What the hell was that?

Something's going on out there.

What did you do?

Stay in the damn car.

Richard, hey.

Richard.

I was there for you, man.

Man, I was there for you.

Unbelievable.

Yes, you were there
when Karen passed,

and yes, you let me handle your
security company's legal work

when everyone else
wouldn't give me a fucking job.

And I don't wanna bring
that up...

No, but... but... but you are
bringing it up.

You are in a crass and
a manipulative way.

So let's go there,
you know, why not?

Okay, who handled
your malpractice suit

when you had your breakdown?

Oh, no that... That was a legal
shakedown and you know it.

Yes, that you were
supposed to settle legally,

but you just beat the shit
out of your client

that you were supposed
to protect.

- He was a scumbag, man.
- Be that as it may,

you're lucky you didn't do time.

That practice was my livelihood.

I said that
with all you went through

that it was no wonder
that you would suffer

some emotional trauma,
and the judge, he bought it,

and all you had to do
was go into rehab.

- I lost everything.
- No, no, nope.

Not everything, not everything,

because I managed to get
some of it in a trust

for Sundari if you just
stayed in the program.

That's all you had to do,
was stay in the program.

No, no, no,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

That place was overcrowded,
it was full of crazies.

I didn't belong there.

Yeah, and it was
filthy too, right?

- All them giant cockroaches.
- Okay, all right, yeah, yeah.

I have a problem, I own that,

but, look, I'm not the only one.

You're connected, man.

What about your uncle,
your uncle in the FBI?

He retired like eight years ago.

Richie, what if
there's a cure for this shit?

I'm not looking for vengeance,

we're just looking
for some answers.

Man...

you have no idea
what it's like

to look at the love
of your life

and see
that she's terrified of you.

Sundari went through a lot.

You've been divorced
for over a year.

You really need to call her.

I call,
she won't answer my calls.

I know she's my soul mate

and I know we're gonna
be together again.

But, she needs to be
proud of me again.

I need my life back.

Please.

All right.

Call this doctor.

No, no,
I can't deal with any more

chemical head shrinkers
and all the medication, man.

He's holistic,
he's a naturalist.

Private, I'll pay for it.

You do that.

I'll check around and see
what I can find out.

You do that.

Okay?

Thanks, Richie.

We got a problem.

Shit.

Oh, yeah, that's funny.
Oh, yeah, that's real funny.

You feel better?

Good.

You blew up a billboard.

What if somebody got hurt?

It was false advertising.

They were selling lies.

And no one got hurt.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

- Happy birthday!
- Chief!

Chief! Chief!

Welcome to the party, man.

- Jonesie, you got me.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Motherfucker, stop,
come on, just once!

- Relax!
- Oh, shit.

What happened?
Who fired the maid?

Don't worry about this,
we'll clean this up.

- But right now...
- We got this, it's fine. It's fine.

Cheers.
Jonesie, you pulled that off.

Don't ever doubt me again, man.

Yo, let's raise the glass...

to the motherfucking HNIC
born on the 4th of July.

My man. Happy birthday.

There's God
and then there's you, Chief.

It might be
the same motherfucker.

Oh, shit!

Jonesie,
that is the ugliest goddamn cake

in the world.

Shut up, Merc.

You do know...

you're the only man that
coulda got us out alive.

The world will never know.

But we do.

Yep.

Happy birthday, Chief.

Happy birthday, Chief.

Thank you.

How come
they get the latest gear

and we still have to buy
our own shit?

I thought
we were negotiating.

Now the FBI's rolling in?

- Our catch, FBI's glory.
- Hey, put that thing away.

Negotiation's over.
We're backup now.

We're in position.

You got the dream team here.
You think we can clock out?

Wifey got your birthday cake
coming out the oven.

Jesus Christ!

Man down, we need backup!

- Come on, we're going in. Go.
- What?

- This is bullshit!
- That's an order!

Take left.

- Go.
- I got your six, Chief.

I need a medic.

♪ There is a house ♪

♪ In New Orleans ♪

♪ They call the rising sun ♪

♪ And it's been the ruin ♪

♪ Of many a poor boy ♪

♪ And me, oh God, for one ♪

Clear.

All clear.

Chief, you need to see this.

You know,
the irony in this shit

is I did everything
the right way,

to make sure I wasn't killed
by no thug or no crazy Five-O.

- Turell's life matters.
- Goddamn right.

I got a baby girl, Chief.

I have got to get straight,
fast.

I was having
the same symptoms.

- It can't be a coincidence.
- Can't be.

It's the anniversary.

Fucked up time of year.
Those damn fireworks!

Light one again
and I'll stick it up your ass.

I'll shit down your neck, KC!

- Get a fucking room.
- Romans 12:19,

"Vengeance is mine,
I will repay," sayeth the Lord.

We trust you
with our lives, Chief.

Lead the way.

Most people don't trust me

to cut their hair anymore
these days.

We need you, brother.

Right this wrong.

Come on Chief, please.

All right.
Let's get some answers.

Let's get some
motherfucking answers, baby.

- About damn time.
- That's what I'm talking about.

We want to stop this crazy shit,

we gotta be united.

- Damn right.
- Whatever they do to one of us,

they're gonna do to all of us.

- We're in this together.
- Hoorah!

We gonna fuck somebody up,
Chief.

Okay, now look,
you want me leading this op,

there's gonna be three rules.

One, no more crazy talk.

None of that leaves this room.

Two, we don't know who's
messing with our heads, right?

So, until we do,
I'm gonna need a little time

to identify a clear target
and a strategy.

And three,
until I get that intel,

this mission requires
that we stay cool.

- Cool breeze, baby.
- That's right, cool.

And that we are unarmed.

- What?
- What?

Hell no!

I'm an American.

I have the right
to bear more arms

than anybody on this planet.

You better tell him something,
Merc.

From my cold, dead hands, Chief.

You're messing with
our Second Amendment, Chief.

We could level
an entire city block.

That'll get their attention.

Draw them out,
make them negotiate.

And what's the exit strategy?

You wanna end up on the TV
shot up like a bunch of crazies?

We're all better than that.

Look.

Let's just consider this
our war chest.

You want me leading this op,

you stow your weapon in there

until I say
we're ready to use it.

Mm-mm, I can't do that.

- I can't do that.
- I ain't givin' up nothin'.

I ain't givin' up
my damn weapon.

Chief already got us
a brand new, shiny,

federal backstage pass.
I say we give him a week.

♪ The further I die ♪

♪ The more I'm alive ♪

♪ The more I'm alive ♪

♪ There's a fire ♪

♪ There's a fire of truth ♪

♪ I want to dive in ♪

♪ Just let me dive
Into the deep ♪

♪ Into the deep ♪

♪ Oh, I can't love
I can't stay ♪

♪ Oh, I might die any day ♪

♪ Dive into the deep ♪

Violence is in our DNA, Chief.

The rocket's red glare,

the bombs bursting in air,

gave proof through the night

that our flag was still there.

I need you over here.
Come on, come on, Chief!

You gotta get up there,
you gotta get up there.

Come on, Chief.

Chief, Chief, Chief,
Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief!

Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief!

Let me do the honors.

Come here.
How are you feeling?

We're having a drink
for this guy right here, Chief.

Jonesie, Jonesie!

Come on, Chief,
we're waiting on you, man.

- You're missing out.
- Come on, Chief,

take your clothes off!

Come on, Chief.

Chief's gone soft.

Yeah,
try telling that to Jonesie.

If the Chief don't deliver,
we do what we do.

You going to give me shave too?

Who wants to do the honors?

It's your party, sir.

♪ You make me feel
Like we could be ♪

♪ Bigger than life ♪

♪ I guess they realized
There's only misery ♪

♪ Painted false pictures ♪

♪ Clouding my vision, oh ♪

♪ You didn't stop
Until you took it all ♪

♪ If I know what I know now ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

Could toddlers be
more dangerous than terrorists?

Studies show there are
more accidental gun deaths

here in the US from toddlers

getting a hold
of their relatives' weapons

than gun deaths from terrorists.

...indicators
as to the wildfire season,

but actually climate...

No.

Stacey is described as a petite

five foot two blonde-haired,
blue-eyed girl,

and she was gonna be going
to Stanford in the fall.

We trust you with our lives.

Lead the way.

It's a very difficult time.

Any information,

any leads will
be greatly appreciated

as this is an active search.

- Yeah.
- It's your wife.

- She's in trouble.
- What?

Get over to your old house.

Jonesie, wait!

Jason, that you?

Whatever happened
to your hair, boy?

- Grandpa V, you're still alive.
- Hell yeah!

We sure as hell couldn't beat
this family shit in spirit.

I came in person.

V, what'd I tell you, hm?

- He don't look crazy.
- He looks good, Daddy.

Good to see you, son.

Come on inside
and fix me a drink.

Uh, I wasn't invited.

I just came by
to check things out.

That's nice, but you come on,
mm-hm.

- He's still a bully, ain't he?
- Nothing changed.

Don't write no check
with your mouth

your ass can't cash, son.

- Hey!
- Shirley!

- You look so good.
- I'm supposed to.

You make me wish
I had my Viagra.

Well, you shoulda brought two.

You know I brought
a friend with me.

We sure had some fun,
didn't we?

The world will never know.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Toast. May you have all you want

and want all you have.

- Sounds good to me.
- Oh, Kashi!

Oh, my goodness,
you look so amazing!

Oh! If anyone deserves this,
you do.

- Hi!
- Oh, my God!

There she is.

You okay, bro?

Yeah. Yeah, listen...

I gotta bounce.

I'll see you later.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm so sorry.
I can't believe that happened.

I...

Jason.

Speech, speech, speech,
speech, speech, speech, speech.

Speech, speech, speech, speech,
speech, speech, speech, speech.

Speech, speech.

Okay, I tried to write
something poetic,

but it all seems trite now.

The truth is,
I've been through a lot.

I never thought that someone
who'd seen me at my worst

could still want me and love me.

I've seen him at his worst.

He's been there all along.

He's been my friend,
my confidant, my lover.

Darling, please come up here.

Next month in India,

he'll officially become
my husband.

Honey, honey, honey,
sorry I'm late.

Ah, thank you so much.

Thanks, everybody,
for being here.

Really, everyone, far and wide,
I really appreciate it.

Love you all,
love her a little bit more,

but love you all.

Happiest guy in the world right
now, that's all I can say.

So glad you're here.

Do we have to wait
a whole month?

I'm amazed, I'm... I just...

Thanks, everyone,
for sharing this moment.

Cheers, everyone.

- Cheers!
- Love you all.

Hey!

- Oh, shit, dude!
- Oh, my God!

- Cheers.
- Thank you, thank you.

Why are you here?

Honey, please don't do this.

Please don't do this.

He's got a gun!

Jason, Jason!

Chief.

That boy needs help.

Mr. Busy made it.

Can you pass me
the indigo please?

How can we have an indigo fairy
princess without blue, huh?

Indigo blue?

Hey, Grace,
where should I put the DJ?

Hmm, can you do the honors
for me, sir?

He has magical powers,

so if you're very nice
and sit very still,

he'll transform you into
the awesome indigo princess.

But he doesn't have
the nose for magic.

He has the magic.

He just can't remember
how to use it.

Boop.

Well, wish me luck.

Well, if you want
to reschedule, I'm flexible.

Don't wanna cancel you
altogether.

Yeah, I'm disappointed.

Oh, wow, look at you, princess.

Chief Magic Hands.

And he's teaching me
the magic words.

- Poetry,
- See, I trusted him.

Now he trusts me.

Sounds like a life metaphor.

- I'll have cat whiskers.
- I'm next after her.

♪ We can go to a place
Where you never been ♪

♪ We can do all the things
We more than friends ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no
Baby put those games to an end ♪

Put three tears under this eye,

like a tattoo.

Hey, do 'em in red.

Like blood.

Yo, you think your brother
would like this?

- Shit's whack.
- Yeah, it ain't happening.

I think it's funny.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, what you think, clown?

You're supposed to be
the funny guy, right?

You think this shit is funny.

Ha, see? An unbiased opinion.

Fair and balanced.

Do I know you?

What, can't talk?

Yo, your brother's here,
we gotta bounce.

He's not done.

I know you from somewhere.

It'll come to me.

Get yourself some voice lessons.

You handled that really well.

You didn't react
to his negative energy.

And you didn't even kill
the beetle crawling up your arm.

You can see it?

Of course.

I try not to kill
any living creature either.

All life is precious, right?

Here's, uh, here's part
of what I owe you for your bike.

Do you
suffer from severe depression,

anxiety,
thoughts of hopelessness,

loneliness?

You're not alone.

Millions of Americans do, too.

Where the hell have you been?

What happened to your face?

Come on, I've been losing
my mind out here, come on.

- You cleaned up?
- Yeah, of course.

Are you listening to me?
Come on.

- Hey.
- What?

- You've been spying on my wife.
- It's called recon, sir.

Something you
should've done more of.

Oh, yeah.

What's that shit mean?

It means you can't trust
none of these motherfuckers.

None of them. Go ahead.

There, listen.

All right,
he's a performance artist

- with shitty taste in music.
- No.

Listen closer.

♪ I am anti-everything ♪

You think you can
get out of here?

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Are you ready for me?

He's got that missing
girl chained up in there.

So, we call the cops,
we let 'em do their job.

This is your brother's place.

What if we're wrong?
You don't want them

writing you're crazy
in their police report.

Come on, Chief,
put on your man pants.

We bust in there.

We save the girl.

We become heroes.

We'll be up on T-fucking-V,
YouTube,

internet, interviews,
all of it, all right?

The whole world
will be listening to us.

They won't be able
to ignore us anymore.

We'll finally get our answers.

- What the fuck?
- Ahh, be very careful.

Merc rigged this shit to blow.
One wrong combination...

Shit, man.

Hey, hey, hey.
Jonesie, you trust me?

- Yeah.
- Let me lead this op,

like old times.
And you, you just guard my six.

- You got it?
- Yes, sir.

...have died
in the US from flu enzymes

than ever died overseas.
This is a trend.

If we care about our soldiers
and our veterans,

we have to do something
about it.

There's a war going on...

All right.

♪ One in the chamber
More on the way ♪

♪ We going pop, pop, pop
In the USA ♪

Jonesie, dial it down,
dial it down, man.

You dial it up.
Come on, Chief.

Take a little hit,
just once, come on.

Come on, there we go, mm-hmm.

♪ Going pop, pop, pop
In the USA ♪

♪ One in the chamber
More on the way ♪

♪ We going pop, pop, pop
In the USA ♪

♪ I am anti-everything ♪

♪ Anti-everything ♪

I fucked up. I fucked up.

- I always do.
- Jonesie, get your shit together!

You're crazy.

You're crazy!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, please.

No one got hurt, brother.
No one got hurt.

Come on, give me your hand.

I was standing my ground!

I should've killed you.

♪ I am anti-everything ♪

♪ You won't take me alive ♪

♪ I'd rather die
Than live in this prison ♪

♪ I am anti-everything ♪

And breaking news has come in

saying that one
in five Americans

are now being prescribed
antidepressants.

- Jonesie.
- Since 2008,

this has led
to a 23 percent increase

in suicides directly related

to this increased use
of antidepressants.

- So, we are becoming a nation...
- Jonesie!

...and over-prescribed

at dangerous, dangerous levels.

Jonesie, we messed up, man.

All right?
No one got hurt, okay?

So, don't sweat it.

- Jonesie?
- It's me, Grace.

So,
I have a question to ask you,

and I know it's
gonna sound crazy.

Good or bad, I want you
to answer honestly.

Okay.

How attractive do you find me?

From like one to ten.

Uh, you know,

my head's not really there
right now.

Okay, sorry, it's just,

I don't want to have
another of those

"I've always found you
attractive" conversations

from a male friend
who I trusted to be

just a friend.

- Okay.
- So...

my ex can't make it
to Big Bear this weekend.

Her ex-husband's being a dick.

What, your ex, your ex is a her?

Yeah.

Whether my soul mate
comes as male or female,

I'm not prejudiced.

- Okay.
- So, I was wondering

if you wanted to get
into nature this weekend.

No pressure.

Wait, you... you're...
you're inviting me to Big Bear?

Yeah,
but I'm about full disclosure

and keeping my life
drama-free, so...

Oh, okay, okay,
so you want to know if...

if I can resist you.

I'm a nudist,
I'm brutally honest,

and for the next few days,
I won't give a shit

about your feelings.

All right, so you're a bisexual,
nudist, vegan,

tantrically aware,
erotic filmmaker

who doesn't feel like playing
dick deflection on her vacation.

- Yes.
- Uh-huh.

And, and I'm your second choice
for Big Bear.

Third choice.

Whatever, okay.
Point is, you are inviting me,

and you know that I'm unemployed
and I'm divorced

and I'm going through
a lot of shit right now.

Yes, and we get back on Monday.

Well...

Yeah, well, you know what, um,

I do need to get
my head together.

So, this isn't an ego bruiser?

I don't think I have
much ego left to bruise.

I'll pick you up
tomorrow morning at 08:00 a.m.

Okay. 0800.

I'll be ready.

♪ Don't shoot us down ♪

♪ We're the victims here ♪

♪ Dirt on the ground ♪

♪ Still the world
Just goes around ♪

Hey, uh, you know what,
don't touch that one.

It's wired to blow.

Funny.

♪ The world just goes around ♪

This cabin is built on the edge
of the national forest.

It seems endless.

My wife always used to say,

"Nature is God's art."

But... what if we believe

there are killers out here,

waiting to get us right now?

If we believe that,

all of this
would seem scary, right?

They say that people
who believe in Jesus

see him when they die,

and Buddhists see Buddha,

and kids who have
near-death experiences

say they see the white light
and fuzzy animals.

What if you don't know
what you believe?

Then you see
departed friends or family.

Whatever helps you transition.

You think we see what we expect?

In life and death,
it's all about perspective.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes!

What are you seeing?

I see my buddies having
a nervous breakdown

and my best friend
fucking my wife.

And what else?

Mm... you got nice boobs.

And I'm too old for you.

And?

And maybe
I'm disappointed in me,

that I couldn't be
the better man and...

just wish 'em both well.

Maybe I'm afraid of dying alone,

not amounting to much.

Just no one giving a shit.

We all crave recognition.

We all look for love.

Well... I'd settle
for some attention.

♪ We desire to sin ♪

♪ For it makes us
Feel important ♪

♪ There are voices ♪

♪ In your head ♪

♪ Or we may just be broken ♪

♪ Can you feel her staring? ♪

♪ With her eyes on the prize ♪

♪ Let her fire consume you ♪

♪ Ease all your pain away ♪

♪ Oh, watch it vanish ♪

Forgive yourself,

and remain focused
on your breath.

You made me do this.

♪ Can you feel her staring? ♪

♪ With her eyes on the prize ♪

♪ Let her fire consume you ♪

♪ Ease all your pain away ♪

I'll cut you like
a fish if you lie to me.

What did he tell you?

- Please, I don't know.
- Hey!

Wrong answer.

Why do all you bitches lie?

You okay?

Go back to sleep,
you silly man.

If you're a nudist,
aren't you supposed to be nude?

- Wishful thinker.
- False advertiser.

Sure.

So, what happened last night?

I think your yoga tape
just gave me

some freaked-out dreams is all.

I'm gonna make us
that bomb vegan dinner tonight.

- No dead animals?
- No.

And you won't even miss them.

Adios!

Jonesie,
you've been spying on my wife?

It's called recon, sir.

Something you
should've done more of.

It means you can't trust
none of these motherfuckers.

Jonesie, it's for your own good.

I gotta put this somewhere safe.

No one's gonna get hurt.

We all good.

Safe keeping.

- Hello?
- You fucked us.

For that yoga bitch?

Jonesie?

Now I have
to come after both of you.

Jonesie!

Jonesie!

Jonesie.

You've been tracking me
through my cell phone

this whole time,
huh, motherfucker?

Jonesie!

Hello,
I'm not there to take your call.

- If you leave me a message, I'll get back to you...
- Shit.

...as soon as I get this.

Grace.

Grace, listen, listen,

I want you to lock
all the doors.

Shit.

Hey!

Hey!

I just need directions!

Man, I'm not gonna hurt you.

Hey!

- Hey.
- God no, don't hurt me.

- Hey.
- Don't hurt me, don't hurt me.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm not gonna hurt you...
you okay?

We're all goin'...
we're all goin' to hell.

Hands in the air.

I said get them goddamn
hands in the air.

- I didn't say nothing.
- Shut up, faggot.

Drop the shovel.

Hm...

Uh-uh.

This meant for us?

How many of 'em are you?

I'm alone.

I... I didn't see nobody else,
I swear.

Shut the fuck up,
what'd I tell you?

Now get your ass up.

Get your fuckin' ass up.

You, get over there,
behind him, march.

In a line,
get your ass over there.

Don't you look back at me, boy.
This is gonna end bad for you.

Eyes forward.

Get your ass over that bridge.

Turn around, walk your ass on.

Oh, Meth!

Look what I brung ya.

Well, what do we have here?

Dumb, plus one.

Shitface, wake your ass up.

Fellas, what's going on?

What's goin' on is...

...is I ask the questions,
asshole.

Where is it, huh? Huh?

- Ain't got no badge?
- Yeah, he had a piece.

We should just go
and clear out of here

- while we got t... time.
- I got a better idea.

You shut the fuck up,
you lock him up.

Yes, sir.

Grace, listen.

Listen, I want you
to lock all the doors.

Shut the fuck up!

If you can meet with triumph
and disaster,

and treat those two imposters
just the same...

You can dream
and not make dreams your master.

Told you this is all FUBAR.

This time you're on your own.

Jonesie, quit fuckin' around

and get me out of here.

What the fuck is going on?

I think you know.

He didn't see you.

I'm your IF.

Your imaginary friend.

Just like your roaches.

That's right, Chief.

Think back.

Jonesie.

You look exactly the same, man.

- What's this all about?
- You needed me, so here I am.

Pachelbel.

Keep your head straight.

Especially
on the 4th of July.

You've been spying on my wife.

It's called recon, sir.

Are you freaking following me?

No!

- No.
- Jonesie...

- Don't say anything.
- ...tell 'em what you told me.

He's gonna think you're crazy.

You're crazier than me.

Jonesie. Jonesie!

Get your shit together.

You're crazy. You're crazy!

No one got hurt, right?

Huh?

You gonna give me shave too?

Hey.

Who wants to do the honors?

♪ Painted false pictures ♪

♪ Clouded my vision, oh ♪

♪ You didn't stop
Until you took it all ♪

If you can keep
your head when all about you

are losing theirs
and blaming it on you,

if you can trust yourself
when all men doubt you

but make allowances
for their doubting too.

If you can wait
and not be tired by waiting,

or being lied about...

Happy birthday, Chief.

To the only motherfucker

who could have gotten us
out of here alive.

- Look at him right here.
- Ah, it's his birthday.

- Oh.
- Whose birthday is it?

Look at this dude, look at
this ugly son of a bitch right here.

- HNIC, born on the what?
- 4th of July.

- Woo!
- Hey.

- Get in there, Merc.
- The world will never know...

The world will never know.

- But we do.
- We do.

Yeah, let's get to fuckin' work.

Most people don't trust me
to cut their hair

anymore these days.

I'm an American!

I got the right
to bear more arms

than anybody on this planet!

That'll get their attention.
Come get me!

♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪

- What's the exit strategy?
- ♪ Bomb's bursting in air ♪

Shot up like a bunch
of crazies.

You fuckin'
with my Second Amendment.

♪ That our flag
Was still there ♪

You're the medicated gun freak,

the paranoid surveillance nut,

the fucking time bomb
ready to explode.

We're gonna see you on the news
one day,

killin' a bunch of people.

Why?

Why, why, why?

Well, you needed a mission,
a reason to exist, and me...

I'm the last person
that believed in you.

Your wife doesn't,
your brother doesn't,

your best friend doesn't.

But me and the team did.

Till you got us killed.

No, man.

- No?
- No, no.

- No?
- No!

- Hm.
- No, that's bullshit!

- You led us into a trap.
- Come on, we're going in. Let's go.

That's an order!

♪ There is ♪

- Clear!
- ♪ A house ♪

Chief, you need to see this.

♪ That they call
The rising sun ♪

This ain't no meth lab.

♪ And it's been ♪

♪ The ruin of many a poor boy ♪

Get out now!

Oh!

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

You should have died
in there with the rest of us.

So why now, Chief?

Well, it's not just
some chemical weapon

or your birthday
or the 4th of fuckin' July.

It's the anniversary
you got us killed,

you motherfucker you!

No! No!
You're not even fuckin' alive.

And you don't deserve
to be alive.

We're sick of it anyway.

It is time.

This is it.

Die here tonight,

before you hurt anybody else.

You're a loser.

Just... Just lose...

with whatever fuckin' dignity
you have left.

Please.

Die.

"Yea, though I walk through

the valley
of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil..."

Jonesie!

I didn't kill you guys!

It wasn't my fault!

I didn't kill you guys.

Fuck!

Fuck...

Who the hell are you?

Well, you ain't comin' down...

from this little contraption
till you talk.

Hey!

I'm talkin' to you.

Who are you?
Who do you fuckin' work for?

I don't know.

You don't know?

He don't know. He don't know.

We're at what is called
an impasse.

But what if he really is
just alone?

What if there's an army
of FBI agents out there

waitin' to ambush us, eh?

What then?

Know what I think?

I think it's time to play
burn blackie.

Let's see just how pink you are
on the inside, boy.

No.

Chief!

- Chief. Hello!
- I just want you to know

I'm not just
some deplorable hick asshole,

but somebody's gotta get shit
done around here,

and there's a chain
of goddamn command.

Come on now, here we go.

Step up in there.

We're gonna have us some fun.

Right this way.

Oh, honey.

- Just keep on walkin'.
- We're home.

Oh, look at her.

Now, we figured...

we'd let you have a little fun.

- That's right.
- Before you die.

We all gonna
have some fun. Get on in there.

Get you comfortable.

- Woo!
- Come on, princess.

- Get off me!
- Get on your back then.

- Get off me.
- Been getting you

- ready for this.
- Stop!

That's right.

Hey, take it outside.
Do not puke in here.

Goddamn, faggot.

Where was we? Oh, yeah.

You're gonna fuck her.
See, we're all done with her.

- She tastes good.
- She's a celebrity!

I think she looks
a little better in person,

don't you?

What's the matter, Barack?

That's what you need.

I can tell you're a man
that needs...

a little mood music. Now...

Let's see.

Woo, that's nice there!

You feel that?

Start fucking.

- Woo, yeah!
- Get that pig outta there.

Come on now.

Go ahead!

Huh, what?

Mm, look.

At the door.

Somebody's out there. Hey.

Get up.

I'm not here
to hurt you, okay?

Now I think I can open that lock
if you have some wire.

I'm so sorry to bother you,
I've lost someone

and I was just wondering
if you happened to see him.

Yeah,
we might could help you out.

Come on inside.

- Oh, shit.
- What do we have here?

If it ain't our lucky day,
look at what we have here.

Come on.

You got to go first last time.

We gonna have some fun today
with her.

No!
Please don't hurt me!

Please, no!

- US Marshals.
- Oh, just off him.

You asked me who I work for.

Not FBI,
I'm with the US Marshals.

Hey, hey.

Cut it out.
What the fuck did you just say?

I said I'm with
the US Marshals.

The proof is in the woods.

What proof,
what are you talking about?

We stowed all our recon gear
in a secured box.

It's buried in the woods.

Bullshit.

Wait, I saw...
I saw him buryin' something.

He had that shovel, remember?

What's in the box?

Forty-millimeter
grenade launcher.

Two nickel plated Berettas.

A SIG556 with a C Beta clip.

A Mossberg 500 shotgun.

And enough C-4
to level a city block.

Where is it?

You unchain me
and I'll take you there.

I'm the decider, I decide!

Let's try this again.

Where is it?

I buried it in a ravine

- in the middle of the forest.
- I... I know where that is.

I can't... take us there.

Here's what's gonna happen.

Meth...

you take chickenshit...

go check it out.

You make sure he don't puke
and skip off again.

Check in on the cell with me
every five minutes.

If Django here is lyin',

I'm gonna light his ass up
extra crispy.

What if Shitface wakes up?

He ain't woke up yet, has he?

I'm the decider.

Go.

Let's go, Stew.

- Get goin'.
- Well...

I guess now's when we start
singin' Kumbaya.

I know just where it is.

And I... I'm...

I know just the place.

How about a little story
to pass the time?

You may have noticed my brother.

Well, we decided it was time
that he lost his cherry,

so we got him a nice little
Catholic school girl,

looked her up on Instagram,
got her to meet us at the mall,

and wouldn't you believe it?

She wasn't no goddamn virgin.

Kids these days.

I'll tell you what.

But my chickenshit brother,

he always starts puking,
fucking making a scene

whenever there's a little bit
of pussy around,

- so we had to finish the job.
- Please don't do this.

What? I didn't do nothin'.
Way I figure...

that there super predator
came along,

found him
two perfectly good white girls,

kidnapped 'em, chained 'em up
in here and raped 'em.

Naughty, naughty.
Then when they tried to escape,

he burned the whole place down
with them inside.

But in his haste,

he burned himself up
accidentally in the blaze.

Oh, shit happens.

We came along,
tried to help him,

but, hell, you know,
the flames were too great

and we just couldn't do
nothin' about it,

but, you know, heroes and all,

I guess
we'll probably get a reward.

Oh, man.

This damn phone ain't gonna work
all the way out here.

Call me, dammit.

I guess they took the deal.

What are you talkin' about?

That's why
they haven't called yet.

Feds offer you a deal
to turn state's evidence,

but they go for the ringleader
first, you know,

chain of command.

We do not recognize
federal government.

Be that as it may,

if you light up them cans
of kerosene

and start a fire,
they're gonna recognize you.

And they'll send
the smoke signals

and draw 'em right to you.

Ain't no goddamn fed.

What's your exit strategy?

I mean, if there are agents
out there, what is it?

Because you're gonna need
live hostages to negotiate with.

I'm just sayin'.

Grace, I need some wire.
I can open this lock.

Stay still, sweetie.

Woo!

Meth, I told you to call me
every five minutes.

All right? Check in with me.

Meth, I'm not fuckin' around.

Now call me back, goddammit!

Shit! No, service.

U... Useless now, Meth.

We ain't got much time.

What the fuck was that?

Pick up that chain.

Put it around your neck.

We're gonna take us
a little walk.

Put your hands on your head.

Face that way.
Don't look at me.

To your left,
go to your goddamn left.

Go, right through there.
Through there, by the tree, go!

See if you could...
see if you can find something.

Where are you guys?

Shep! Stew!

Hey, what is it?

What the hell is going on?

Hey!

Fuck's sake!

What is it?

Oh, no.

Someone's gonna fuckin' die!

Oh, my gosh, help me.

Easy does it, don't get no fast

ideas now.

Stop, stop, stop.

Meth, Meth!

What happened, what happened,
what happened, what happened?

Oh, shit!

It blew my fuckin' leg off.

Listen, no, no, no, no!

Ah, you motherfucker!

Huh?

Stew!

Huh?

I can't understand you, brother.

But then again,

I never could.

One thing's for certain.

This is your last time
fuckin' up.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You motherfucker!

What the fuck did you do?

Yeah, come here!

Come on, love.

Yeah, you're okay.

All right.

Mr. Pratt, Chief!

Quick question.

You found the girl kidnapped
by coincidence?

Well, um, depends

if you believe in
such things as coincidence.

My team always knew something
was going on.

- They're the real heroes.
- Give him some room.

- Not me.
- So, you're telling me

this was 100 percent luck?

Just luck is preparation
meets opportunity.

That's what my dad always said.

Question, over here.

In breaking news, the
missing schoolgirl, Stacey Bastion,

has been found and rescued.

Her suspected captors

are members
of a mountain militia group.

Credited with her rescue,
is Jason "Chief" Pratt.

Hey, Chief, Chief.

You know, a few years ago
a guy in Cleveland

found three kidnapped girls.

Became a media hero.
What do you plan to do

when you get
your five minutes of fame?

Uh, me, well um...

share any reward money
with Stacey's family.

They've been through a lot.

Chief,
do you consider yourself a hero?

- Thank you.
- Mr. Pratt.

Have you been in touch
with Stacey...

Because they're paying
for an exclusive

doesn't mean you have
to answer everything.

If they ask you a question
you don't like,

just say, "Pass, bitch."

Well,
congratulations, first of all.

You got this big book deal
and a major magazine.

Just announced, they're gonna
put you on the cover

of their very next issue.

Let's take a look
at that issue, that cover.

Lookit,
that crazy fucker's on TV!

That's pretty extraordinary.

I mean, to be on the cover
of a major magazine.

You said something
in the interview

that got my attention.
You said that

you actually have a handgun

that could kill 100 people
without ever reloading.

Yeah, yes, sir, the SIG556

is classified as a pistol
because it has no butt stock.

But you could put
a Beta C-Mag on it

and you'd have
a pretty sweet handgun

that could fire a hundred rounds
without reloading.

Man, that freaky dude
could have killed everybody.

See, I told you
that motherfucker was crazy,

and you're worrying about dudes
with tattoos on their face.

This bastard could have killed
everybody in here.

...on this show is we have

less gun control with more guns
and more gun violence

than any country in the world.

We also have more people
who are medicated

for mental health issues

than any other country
in the world.

And I did a little bit
of research on you, sir,

and it turns out you yourself
have admitted

to having a long history
of mental illness.

In fact,
you're on the no-fly list.

Uh, you are so dangerous
they won't even let you

on an airplane
in the United States,

and yet somehow you are able
to get guns in America easily

and legally...
isn't that weird?

Doesn't that strike you
as a little bit strange?

That makes a lot of people
feel kind of uncomfortable,

I would imagine, uh...

No?

Excuse me, sir? Uh...

Mr. Pratt?

Mr. Pratt?

The world will never know...

but we do.

Uh... Chief?
Chief, are you good?

Um, I realize that
a lot of people think

you're some kind of, like,
a ticking time bomb.

Other people say, "Hey, look,
this guy is a public hero."

Uh, you know, how do you see it?

Chief.

Hey, are you with me here?
Chief.

Uh...

Chief...

Well, I guess some people
would say I'm a little crazy.

- Uh-huh.
- Man, you is crazy.

That nigga crazy as hell, man.

He looked so nice
when I hired him.

That girl needed my help.

I just did for her what I hope
someone would do for me.

- Do unto others, you know?
- Hey, look, I get that.

That's a good Bible verse,

but there's other stuff
in the Bible,

like, you know,
"Thou shalt not kill."

How about that?

All I can tell you...

is killin' those bad guys...

felt like the right thing to do.

How this motherfucker
know who's the bad guy?

You know, in the middle of a...

big, big media hype moment,

you are just everywhere,
everybody's talking about you.

You even got people
out there sayin'

that you should actually
be running for public office.

How does that sound to you?

Uh, that is what's really crazy.

Well, I'd have a hard time

arguing with you on that one,

but how are you dealing
with the attention?

Honestly, how are you
dealing with it?

I guess we're all born
into this world

looking for love.

And, uh...

sometimes we settle
for attention.

Hm, you know, that's actually

a pretty profound statement,
sir.

We look for love,
but we settle for attention.

That's coming to you
from Mr. Jason Pratt.

According to him,
he's one of the good guys.

At first,

all the attention caught me
by surprise.

But in no time at all,

I was a complete media whore.

Did I hear this correctly?

No, no, this is a great call.

Oh, my God,
you have to see this.

Uncle Jason is trending.

Michael, hold on one second,
all right?

Give me one second.
What the hell is this?

♪ All I can tell you
All I can tell you ♪

That's my custom-tailored suit.

♪ All I can tell you ♪

♪ Killin' those bad guys felt
Like the right thing to do ♪

♪ All I can tell you
All I can tell you ♪

♪ All I can tell you
All... all I can tell you ♪

♪ All I can tell you ♪

♪ Killin' those bad guys ♪

♪ Felt like the right thing
To do ♪

Just this past
year, there was an attack

at a community college
in Oregon.

Now evident that this bloodshed

was elaborately planned.

Omar Mateen killed 49 people

inside a gay nightclub
in Orlando, Florida.

Planned Parenthood and my lawyer
are in cahoots to shut me up.

The shooter claimed
to have been hearing voices.

He believed he was being
bombarded

by microwaves.

In fact, he wore a tinfoil cap

- to protect himself.
- A study by the FDA

has found that people
on antidepressants

have an increased rate
of violence.

Easy access
to psychotic medication

plus easy access to guns
equals more mass shootings,

- plain and simple.
- I will protect my children.

Republican lawmakers under Trump

are making it easier for people
with mental illnesses

to gain access to firearms
legally.

I take a lot of heat
where I say

guns, you gotta have 'em.

Best way to stop
a bad guy with a gun

- is a good guy with a gun.
- That's not true.

Just a few weeks ago
a good guy

wasn't adequately trained,
hurt a lot innocent people.

There are almost no examples

of an individual
stopping a mass shooting

- on his or her own.
- We make it too easy

for terrorists to get guns,
in our own country

and use them against you.

You can come away with

a fully automatic
assault rifle,

so what are you waiting for?

The overwhelming
majority of Americans

agree with common sense reform.

Congress has
been complicit in the inaction.

This problem is not going away

unless we do something
about it.

It's going to happen again
and again and again.

♪ All I can tell you
All I can tell you ♪

♪ All I can tell you
All all I can tell you ♪

♪ All I can tell you ♪

♪ Killin' those bad guys ♪

♪ Felt felt felt ♪

♪ We have the right ♪

♪ But no self-control ♪

♪ Bombs and bullets ♪

♪ Innocent lives are stolen ♪

♪ All for money ♪

♪ So short on time ♪

♪ Miss the reason ♪

♪ Killing kind ♪

♪ Don't shoot us down ♪

♪ We're the victims here ♪

♪ Dirt on the ground ♪

♪ Still the world
Just goes around ♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is not what you get ♪

♪ What's understood ♪

♪ Don't you use for good ♪

♪ Or you'll end up like them ♪

♪ Don't shoot us down ♪

♪ We're the victims here ♪

♪ Dirt on the ground ♪

♪ Still the world
Just goes around ♪

♪ Don't shoot us down ♪

♪ We're the victims here ♪

♪ Dirt on the ground ♪

♪ Still the world just goes
Around ♪

♪ World just goes around ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ Still the world
Just goes around ♪

If you can keep
your head when all about you

are losing theirs
and blaming it on...

Do you know that dogs
lick themselves

up to 15 times a day?

Uh, I'm...

I'm not that flexible.

Hm.

Well,
I know a good yoga studio.