Original subtitles

Life without a tree. How cool is that?

Yes.

Yes, okay. Thank you. I'll think about it. Yes. Goodbye.

Come on, give us a hand!

By tonight this will be a Christmas free zone.

I got an offer for a show.

What? We're lugging trees, and my baby builds her career, huh?

Come here.

What's it about?

Celebrities On The Ice.

Oh no.

Celebrities On The Ice!

What's with this fucking broom again?

Yeah, they are sending celebrities to Greenland,

and then they have to live there like Eskimos.

Sounds like fun.

It's sounds trashy.

I mean, it couldn't possibly be more embarrassing than Kurt & Jasmin Backstage.

Honey, if you don't want to do it, I understand.

No stress. I have enough money for both of us.

Really. But now I have to get to the studio.

The studio's waiting!

Ok, ladies. See you later, ok?

Anni/ Ciao.

Bye!

Please don't say you're actually considering it.

It's a job.

Take a look at the chicks who appear on these kinds of shows.

They hold their plastic tits into the camera,

alk nothing but shit, and afterwards they sink into obscurity.

Well, I don't have to be like them, right?

Ouch!

Are you ok?

Yes.

Hey, it's a job, and I get a good fee.

And it's better than sitting on this couch.

Yes, but at least here you're not making a fool of yourself.

Or only a little bit.

Don't you get that I want to be more than Kurt LeRoy's unsuccessful wife?

No shit. It's my absolute favorite show! I've seen every episode.

And you're gonna be on it next season? Awesome!

No, no, they just asked me. I have to think about it.

Huh? What's to think about?

You make good money, you travel around half the globe, and you have fun!

Who else is in it?

No idea.

The last season was so funny! There was this one girl, ok? A little stupid, with botoxed lips...whatever. Anyway, her remarks were hilarious!

Um, we need to go over there actually.

Right. Yes.

I know it's complete trash, of course. But so what?

At least it's not boring! And it's still allowed to have fun, right?

Yeah. With Kurt & Jasmin Backstage, people had a good laugh about how bitchy I am.

Well, don't be a bitch, then.

Sure, on TV they manipulate everything how they like,

but they can't show what you don't do, right?

And you have so much more to offer.

I would definitely tune in to see you.

I'll give it a try.

Oh yes. If they'd ask me, I wouldn't hesitate for a second.

Okay, make me look casting eligible then.

Hello. I'm Jasmin.

Hi. Just a moment, please. Have a seat.

Okay. Thank you.

I can't believe it. I know this voice, but how cool is this?

Aren't you Jasmin LeRoy?

Yes.

No. I can't believe it!

Whoa, I watched every episode of your show.

How you were always telling Kurt off, and the stupid crew too.

You really liked it?

Yes, really. I love what you do. I'm speechless.

I don't even know what to say right now.

I expected anything but to see you here today. And now...

How cool would that be? Us flying to Greenland together and making our own show there!

It would be such a success. You can't imagine! Right?

Give me the ghetto fist. You know what I'm saying.

Ghetto fist.

Don't be shy, baby.

Sure Kurt! Why don't you flaunt your tits to the camera next time?

I laughed my ass off. It was so awesome!

I don't get it. Why did they take it off the air?

Well, I made them take it off the air.

Come on. Why would you do that?

Well, they wouldn't let me be anything but a bitch.

I mean it completely damaged my reputation.

They wanted me to come across in a horrible way.

Yes. I've been there. Once they pigeonhole you...

Yes!

Yes, but...screw it! Just think positive and move on.

Running on a moving walkway, carrying eighty shopping bags?

But, hey. Seriously. It was totally awesome how you owned Kurt. Touch�.

It's true. Really, sweetie.

Look, I have this fan, ok? This girl. she was having a crisis, and I helped her.

Because I won't put up with crap either.

And honestly. It doesn't get any better than to get such a positive feedback, right?

Yes, but still. I hate coming off as a bitch. And then there are the narrator's ridiculous remarks to top it off.

Hey, but people love it. What would these shows be without us? Seriously.

They'd be boring and prim. Nobody would want to watch that.

And between you and me. As long as the money's good, and the job's fun, the rest doesn't matter, right? Proud bitch. What's up?

Sarah Knappig.

Hello!

Would you come with me?

Hello. Yes. Hang on. Hello.

Sebastian Heuser.

Good to meet you. Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Jasmin LeRoy.

H�user: Hello, Jasmin.

Yeah, well, if my bum's a little flat, it's from sitting and waiting for such a long time.

By the way, the coffee wasn't very good either.

But maybe we could go out for a drink sometime.

I'd love to.

Of course I'm up for this show.

It would be a big challenge. And a lot of fun too, of course.

I've watched the previous season, and I'd be honored to be a part of it.

H�user: It would be more of a group thing, as opposed to Kurt & Jasmin Backstage.

Yes. And that's what's so cool about it. Because I want to get away from the bitch image.

Ok? But that's the part we intended for you.

Yes, I know. I came across that way. But the show really gave a wrong impression.

I'm actually not like that at all.

We're looking for a bitch for the group.

And since you've pulled it off really well so far, we were really interested you.

But if you're not comfortable with it. Hey, it's no problem.

Of course I can be bitchy too. I just need the right motivation.

Yes, we can do that. Sit in the car. Just take a seat.

Why?

Just imagine it was an igloo.

Okay.

You had a bad night. Because you're freezing, and you're hungry.

And also, one of the ladies pisses you off.

Ok, and why does she piss me off?

She can't manage to kill a fish, and you're hungry.

So, you get up after this awful night and run straight into her.

Action.

Hunger.

Man, what about breakfast, huh?

I hate fish! How about some muffins for a change?

Or at least turn it into fish sticks. And hurry up, or I'm really gonna get cranky, ok?

Lame duck.

Thank you.

Ok.

Trust me. It's gonna be so much fun!

But I'm telling you straight up. We're definitely gonna put it in our contract, that the temperature in the sleeping bag must never go below 40� C

You do realize that's fever, right?

Ok, then. Let's say 30� C. But really. I don't want to freeze my ass of in that igloo.

Let's just make them give us some sealskin, and we'll be fine.

Excuse me? What did you just say? Sealskin?

You do know what they do to baby seals, right?

How they're slaughtered, and...

Okay. We just need a lot of extra clauses.

Yes. Definitely.

But honestly. We're not bitches for nothing.

Yeah, you're right. It does have its benefits.

So, you two. Thank you for coming.

It was a lot of fun.

Yes, for us too.

Welcome to the show, Sarah.

No. No. Oh my God! Fuck yeah! I'm so excited! Awesome. I'm so excited!

And Jasmin...

Yay!

I'm sorry. You're not in.

I thought you wanted both of us.

One bitch per team is enough. Sarah was just better.

Oh no, sweetie. Come here.

Hang in there. But honestly. The world doesn't end, and you'll get your chance.

Like I said. Stay strong, and...

It's fine.

Yes?

Uh-huh.

Sarah, would you come with me?