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♪ Become, become mighty! ♪
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00:00:47,799 --> 00:00:54,560
♪ Become, become powerful! ♪
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00:04:54,519 --> 00:04:59,920
Greetings, dear sauna!
4
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,839
I remember when I was little
5
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,519
then children weren't taken
to a hairdresser.
6
00:06:22,639 --> 00:06:25,119
Instead some lady
just took out the scissors.
7
00:06:25,199 --> 00:06:27,520
I remember how this scissor-lady
wondered and sighed:
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00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:32,120
"How will you, a poor girl,
manage growing up?
9
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:37,800
She has no hope as a woman:
twisted teeth, too skinny.
10
00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:42,240
Blue circles under eyes,
hair so thin."
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00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:50,399
No one told me directly that I'm ugly,
but it was implied.
12
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,360
People were concerned
that you were not up to par.
13
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,040
Exactly!
14
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,639
My sister had long blonde hair
and father loved to say:
15
00:06:59,759 --> 00:07:02,399
"So pretty,
like something handmade."
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00:07:02,519 --> 00:07:04,399
Everyone admired her.
17
00:07:04,519 --> 00:07:07,679
In my case people just asked
how I'm doing at school
18
00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:09,720
and whether I have good grades.
19
00:07:09,879 --> 00:07:13,160
That's what my relatives
expected from me.
20
00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:17,920
I remember that I went
to my mother to ask,
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00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,560
is it so that I'm not beautiful at all?
22
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,839
Mother must have wanted
to comfort me. She said:
23
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,120
"Well yes, but you are unique!"
24
00:07:32,399 --> 00:07:35,600
I realized that
I'm really not beautiful.
25
00:07:35,879 --> 00:07:39,920
And with such knowledge it wasn't
easy to be in the women's world.
26
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:47,319
It took me a long time,
before I started to feel beautiful.
27
00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:51,360
I think I was in my forties
when I started to feel beautiful.
28
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:05,639
I feel that it was
a huge blow for my mother
29
00:08:05,839 --> 00:08:11,720
that she had a daughter...
who is fat.
30
00:08:12,079 --> 00:08:18,160
Who is not suitable
to be a ballerina.
31
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,720
She herself dreamt of becoming
a ballerina.
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00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:26,879
In relation to that I remember that
the best compliment from my mother,
33
00:08:26,959 --> 00:08:29,480
that me and my sisters have received,
34
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,039
is when she has said:
"Oh, you've become so skinny!"
35
00:08:33,159 --> 00:08:35,799
This is the best praise.
36
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:40,360
When you hear that you feel -
now I'm good!
37
00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:46,240
First memories of my mother are
that she stands in front of a mirror
38
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,799
and observes herself.
39
00:08:49,639 --> 00:08:51,839
She has lifted her clothes,
spins herself,
40
00:08:51,919 --> 00:08:54,360
checks her butt,
cellulite or whatever -
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00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,960
and she's not satisfied with herself.
42
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:04,720
Her dream was to get breast enhancement,
so that all men would desire her.
43
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,639
The main thing as a woman
was to attract men.
44
00:09:08,759 --> 00:09:11,399
That makes you a valuable woman.
45
00:09:12,399 --> 00:09:16,080
The only good thing about my body was
that I had beautiful breasts
46
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:21,120
when they began to grow.
Then my mother was happy.
47
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,000
My sister was 5 years older than me.
48
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:31,799
She developed faster.
She was busty.
49
00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:36,840
I was still waiting
for my breasts to start growing.
50
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,799
I remember riding a bike
with apples under my shirt -
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00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:44,600
it felt like they were jumping.
52
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,000
Is it steady?
- Yes.
53
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,440
Socks on hands!
54
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,120
Beat the nape of my neck.
55
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,759
Onto the shoulders.
56
00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:57,240
I knew from movies
that your hair might fall out.
57
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,200
But I never thought that
all the body hair would come off.
58
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:07,120
I went to the bathroom
and my panties were full of hair.
59
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,919
Then I remembered
that two weeks have passed
60
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,720
and my hair should come off.
61
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,000
I pulled my hair
and it did come off.
62
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,320
One handful and another...
63
00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:18,319
You just pull and that's it?
- Yes.
64
00:12:18,399 --> 00:12:22,559
I was sitting in front of the oven,
took them and put them in the oven.
65
00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:28,159
This diagnosis made me
rethink life a lot.
66
00:12:28,799 --> 00:12:32,039
I don't think I felt sick
for a second.
67
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,799
I just thought that I'm very tired.
68
00:12:35,519 --> 00:12:38,240
I thought I just need a vacation.
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00:12:38,399 --> 00:12:41,320
There was just a little dimple here.
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00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,840
I thought I'll make
a Christmas present to myself
71
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,080
and went for a medical check-up.
72
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,159
It turned out...
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00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:53,440
that I have breast cancer.
74
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,000
My first reaction was like -
75
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:01,080
probably the fear of death -
everything inside you freezes.
76
00:13:01,759 --> 00:13:05,759
For about two or three days.
77
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,159
I didn't even go to the toilet.
I didn't eat.
78
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,600
I was canceling Christmas parties
and other things.
79
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:19,720
Then I realized I'm dying
in this fear of death.
80
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,440
I invited a friend to visit me -
81
00:13:25,159 --> 00:13:31,919
I'm crying, talking and whining
about death to my friend -
82
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,279
and then I get a phone call.
83
00:13:35,159 --> 00:13:37,399
I was invited to a date.
84
00:13:38,879 --> 00:13:44,679
It was such an absurd situation.
I'm preparing to die here...
85
00:13:45,039 --> 00:13:47,919
That laughter freed me from the fear.
86
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:52,080
I realized that I'm not dead yet -
why am I wailing?
87
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,879
And then I decided to start living.
88
00:13:55,159 --> 00:13:59,200
The first thing I did was reconsider
all my Christmas party invitations.
89
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,519
I went to all the parties.
90
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:05,360
On the next day this man texted
and apologized.
91
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,679
I probably wasn't the only one
who received those invitations.
92
00:14:08,759 --> 00:14:10,639
He said he was drunk.
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00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:13,599
I called back and said: "I don't know
what these other women think...
94
00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:15,879
but I am grateful to you
for the rest of my life!"
95
00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:30,000
You know such things
happen to people,
96
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:34,240
but you never think
it could happen to you.
97
00:14:36,799 --> 00:14:38,839
I don't have a uterus.
98
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:42,600
I don't have one of my ovaries;
part of my breast is missing.
99
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:46,320
Quite a few organs
have been cut out from me.
100
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:51,919
But when I had this last operation -
then I felt that...
101
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,879
the soul cannot be cut away.
102
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,159
Wooh! Well done!
103
00:15:21,759 --> 00:15:25,240
Give it once more,
so it breaks off properly.
104
00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:07,720
Smoke sauna is a sacred place
where you cleanse yourself.
105
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960
When you wash yourself clean -
it is a blessing.
106
00:17:11,279 --> 00:17:14,440
You can wash off all your dirt.
107
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:17,599
We thanked the person
who heats the sauna.
108
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,200
Also the person
who brought the water.
109
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:22,960
Women gave birth in smoke sauna.
110
00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:26,519
The smoke sauna was heated,
the mother was placed in a bath tub,
111
00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:29,839
and when it was time to deliver,
she was taken out of the bath tub.
112
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,559
Then childbirth was easy
and not so painful.
113
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,359
When a son was born,
he was the new master of the house.
114
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,000
But when a daughter was born - oh...
115
00:17:38,319 --> 00:17:40,000
The daughter is...
116
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:44,000
No one said they wanted a daughter -
a son was wanted more.
117
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,720
The sons worked,
118
00:17:46,839 --> 00:17:50,720
but daughters had to be given away
with a dowry in marriage.
119
00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:24,319
My relatives have now left me
in peace with this subject,
120
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,119
but for a while I thought
I'll just make someone up.
121
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,480
Just to get this topic off the agenda.
122
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:35,640
I actually have very nice relatives...
but yes - that opened my eyes.
123
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,759
I thought the problem was
that no one wanted me.
124
00:18:38,839 --> 00:18:42,239
And they thought, that I don't want
anyone and the choice is so huge.
125
00:18:42,319 --> 00:18:45,440
You start looking at it differently.
126
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,239
Whether there are many fish
or less fish in the sea,
127
00:18:48,319 --> 00:18:50,079
is actually all in your head.
128
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,559
Exactly.
129
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:57,240
I'm not sure if this pressure comes
more from the society or from myself.
130
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:02,200
It was also very important to me
to have some kind of companion.
131
00:19:02,319 --> 00:19:05,680
Although, most of the time
I didn't have one.
132
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:10,160
Then again - I've been married
and there has been this and that.
133
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,000
But...
134
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,920
I was somewhere over 30
135
00:19:16,039 --> 00:19:20,200
when I accepted that it's OK
to be alone as well.
136
00:19:21,039 --> 00:19:25,199
And when I then went
to some family events -
137
00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:27,279
funerals or things like that -
138
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,839
then all the time the tension
just grew and grew,
139
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,799
because I realized I'm already 34-35.
140
00:19:34,919 --> 00:19:37,439
My parents are not
even asking anymore -
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00:19:37,519 --> 00:19:39,160
they have lost all hope.
142
00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:43,519
They probably want grandchildren,
but there are none -
143
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:47,759
and then all the time this pressure
grows and grows.
144
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:52,640
I remember one especially
funny moment from a funeral.
145
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:56,200
During this period I had a partner.
146
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,479
He wasn't with me at the funeral,
but at least I could say,
147
00:19:59,559 --> 00:20:02,039
that I have a man
with a 12-year-old child.
148
00:20:02,279 --> 00:20:05,920
And then one of my
female relatives said:
149
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:08,400
"At least it's something!"
150
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,519
lukewarm water.
151
00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:27,200
You can drink it too, right?
152
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,119
Yes.
153
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:38,880
I went to a wedding recently
and such a joke developed there:
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00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,239
to the woman
who catches the bridal bouquet,
155
00:20:42,319 --> 00:20:46,200
all the male guests
will have to send their dick-pics.
156
00:20:50,599 --> 00:20:53,559
From those pictures she can choose?
157
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,119
I don't remember how we got there.
158
00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,519
Do you know what just happened?
159
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,000
I thought dick-pic was some new app.
160
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:07,720
I didn't understand right away.
161
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:14,160
I have never received
any dick pictures.
162
00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,079
How exactly does it work?
163
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:21,680
What exactly are they photographing?
164
00:21:22,039 --> 00:21:25,519
My friend has had it
and it's pretty awful.
165
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,960
This is some Tinder thing.
166
00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:31,200
A guy starts to talk to you
167
00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:34,759
and then all of a sudden
a dick-pic arrives!
168
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,359
It's a real shock!
169
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,759
I wouldn't imagine
that I'm on Tinder,
170
00:21:43,839 --> 00:21:46,720
and then suddenly
I'll send a pussy picture.
171
00:21:47,759 --> 00:21:50,279
It's so funny.
I can't imagine it either.
172
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:56,400
I had a partner
who in the middle of sex
173
00:21:56,519 --> 00:22:01,000
decided to come up
with an 'interesting' role play.
174
00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:05,400
Before entering me,
175
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,720
he said: "Ask for it!"
176
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,640
Like - "Beg for it!"
177
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,440
And then I had to say this -
178
00:22:15,079 --> 00:22:18,839
there must have been a word
I don't remember any more -
179
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,000
but basically I had to ask:
"May I have the penis, please?"
180
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,119
And I asked it once but...
181
00:22:26,559 --> 00:22:28,440
My mind went blank!
182
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:35,359
So I said:
"May I have the penis, please!"
183
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,880
And then he said: "No, ask nicely!"
184
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:44,039
This desire to be wanted and to hear,
185
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:48,359
that she wants me so bad
she begs for it.
186
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,319
What did he mean nicely?
- The influence of porn movies?
187
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:57,480
Probably. But I guess I asked
in a softer voice then.
188
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,440
"May I have the penis, please?"
189
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,319
It was so surreal.
190
00:23:06,199 --> 00:23:08,999
I couldn't even get angry,
191
00:23:09,079 --> 00:23:13,319
because for me it was like...
greetings from the outer space.
192
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,960
I had never encountered
such a thing before.
193
00:27:26,039 --> 00:27:27,720
Have you told your mother?
194
00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:29,480
Does she know?
195
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,119
And father?
196
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,480
They found out this year.
Actually last year.
197
00:27:36,759 --> 00:27:38,519
Directly from me.
198
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,480
Maybe they guessed,
but probably not.
199
00:27:42,519 --> 00:27:44,079
Oh, God! When was it?
200
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,880
2009 - almost ten years ago.
201
00:27:47,279 --> 00:27:50,839
I went to a three day swimming camp.
202
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:55,599
I stayed at a friend's place.
She was a very close friend of mine.
203
00:27:56,159 --> 00:27:59,479
I remember -
I sat there on the couch...
204
00:27:59,559 --> 00:28:02,559
two more girls sat on another couch.
205
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,039
And out of nowhere comes
this feeling...
206
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,359
The biggest storm you have ever felt,
just drops on you!
207
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,119
And I feel a feeling
that I have never felt before!
208
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,039
A hundred times more powerful than
anything I thought I could ever feel.
209
00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:18,640
I know precisely that it is
towards that person.
210
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:23,319
And I know that it's something
which means love - and it shocked me.
211
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,519
I could not say a word
that evening anymore.
212
00:28:25,599 --> 00:28:27,719
I did not tell anyone;
did not share it with anyone.
213
00:28:27,799 --> 00:28:30,079
And then I was like:
"Really?! Do I like women now?
214
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,440
Are you kidding me? Can life get
any worse than it already is?"
215
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:39,959
At least I now understood
why I didn't match with any man.
216
00:28:40,039 --> 00:28:42,559
I knew I had to end
my current relationship!
217
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:47,279
It took me three weeks
to end the relationship with this man.
218
00:28:48,039 --> 00:28:51,799
It was really difficult to tell him -
my partner at that time.
219
00:28:52,319 --> 00:28:55,440
I did not know how to talk about
such things at that time.
220
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,480
I kind of made up a reason...
221
00:28:58,599 --> 00:29:00,519
"Hey, you are a bit
too feminine for me!
222
00:29:00,599 --> 00:29:02,160
It doesn't really work for me!"
223
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,240
Something completely nonsensical.
224
00:29:04,559 --> 00:29:08,599
I imagine it must have left
a big scar on him.
225
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:12,240
It was not nice, but I didn't know
how to say it in any other way.
226
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:15,920
Then I started the journey
to accept myself.
227
00:29:16,039 --> 00:29:19,160
Started to discover,
whether it is really true.
228
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,519
That was a very complex process...
229
00:29:21,599 --> 00:29:23,920
Because the person towards whom
I had those feelings...
230
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,960
I told her that I have such feelings,
231
00:29:26,079 --> 00:29:27,920
but I'm not expecting
anything from you.
232
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,839
I definitely don't want
anything from you.
233
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:32,759
But I felt that
we can't continue talking
234
00:29:32,839 --> 00:29:34,999
before I get this out of myself.
235
00:29:35,079 --> 00:29:36,920
If cards are not open?
- Yes.
236
00:29:37,039 --> 00:29:41,079
And there was total abandonment.
237
00:29:41,719 --> 00:29:44,999
She said I was the filthiest person
she had ever met.
238
00:29:45,079 --> 00:29:47,480
And that hurt.
That really hurt me.
239
00:29:47,599 --> 00:29:51,480
Something that is so natural to me,
that I'm still learning about myself...
240
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,000
And someone says that I'm filthy.
241
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,920
It was painful and it was a process -
242
00:29:57,519 --> 00:29:59,759
quite a lengthy process.
243
00:30:00,879 --> 00:30:04,719
Last year I went
to my parents house and thought:
244
00:30:04,799 --> 00:30:06,279
"Dammit! I will tell them!"
245
00:30:06,359 --> 00:30:09,079
But it was somehow uncomfortable,
I didn't want to do it.
246
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:10,920
But then my partner
247
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,080
for some reason had brought
flowers to the front door at night!
248
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,799
Like a big bouquet of flowers.
249
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,680
I wake up in the morning and hear,
"Elsa, you've got flowers!"
250
00:30:19,799 --> 00:30:24,480
Flowers? Are you kidding me?
I knew from whom they were.
251
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:29,720
Dad asks: "Oh! You have a boyfriend?!"
"Who sent you flowers?"
252
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,279
I was like,
"OK, I've been given the chance..."
253
00:30:34,679 --> 00:30:37,439
I felt so uncomfortable there
in the kitchen and I just said:
254
00:30:37,519 --> 00:30:40,199
"Yeah, well, very nice flowers..."
255
00:30:40,279 --> 00:30:42,999
I went to the second floor
for a moment,
256
00:30:43,079 --> 00:30:45,799
and thought why am I not
taking this opportunity?
257
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,079
Went back downstairs and said:
"Dad, you asked who sent the flowers?"
258
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,799
"Yes, so I asked."
259
00:30:50,919 --> 00:30:55,679
I said: "Well, I got them
from my partner - she's a woman."
260
00:30:55,759 --> 00:30:58,959
I don't remember how exactly,
but I said we're in a relationship.
261
00:30:59,039 --> 00:31:01,319
Dad turns away from the TV
and looks at me.
262
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,680
"What?! Are you a lesbian?!"
263
00:31:03,799 --> 00:31:08,720
I answered, "Yeah, I don't know.
I guess that's how they call us."
264
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:12,959
He said, "Ah", turned back to the TV
and didn't say anything more.
265
00:31:13,039 --> 00:31:15,679
And then mom sits on the sofa
and knowingly says:
266
00:31:15,759 --> 00:31:17,880
"A human is a human!"
267
00:31:18,759 --> 00:31:20,319
And that was it.
268
00:31:21,359 --> 00:31:24,359
And this topic has not been
discussed further in our family.
269
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,880
Don't you want to wet your hair?
270
00:32:17,519 --> 00:32:21,839
Only the closest people knew
how my mother really was.
271
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:25,119
Others kept repeating
how good a person she is.
272
00:32:26,399 --> 00:32:30,239
I listened to how she closed the door,
to guess what mood she's in.
273
00:32:30,319 --> 00:32:33,679
And often she was in mood
or was just tired.
274
00:32:33,759 --> 00:32:35,439
She had three children.
275
00:32:35,519 --> 00:32:40,240
The Soviet Union collapse...
Coupon times...
276
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,319
As she closes the door,
what kind of steps are approaching?
277
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,119
"The dishes are unwashed again!
What are you doing here?"
278
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,160
It was so scary.
279
00:32:49,599 --> 00:32:53,759
Another time she came home
280
00:32:54,039 --> 00:32:57,559
and had planned to go
to pick blueberries.
281
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,079
But me and my sister were both tired.
282
00:33:00,359 --> 00:33:03,640
I said: "I don't want to go
to pick blueberries today."
283
00:33:03,759 --> 00:33:08,440
In anger she threw
buckets all over the yard.
284
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:12,039
"Nothing is done here,
everything is like..."
285
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:18,559
At one point I remember,
I started to walk out of the gate...
286
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:24,039
and she ran after me with a scythe,
trying to cut me with it.
287
00:33:24,119 --> 00:33:28,480
I ran for my life as she chased me
with the scythe.
288
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:33,920
Had I stopped,
she would have simply cut my legs off.
289
00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:44,319
You asked me whether I wanted
my mother to be still alive.
290
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,640
When she died,
just like in her lifetime,
291
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:48,240
I had conflicting feelings.
292
00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:51,160
I wished her dead
while she was alive.
293
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:54,479
From time to time, I even had thoughts
that I was going to kill her,
294
00:33:54,559 --> 00:33:58,039
and sometimes I was afraid
she would come and kill me.
295
00:33:58,799 --> 00:34:03,319
It was scary.
It was so scary.
296
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:08,960
And yet she loved us very much,
she loved me very much.
297
00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:11,440
What did it look like?
298
00:34:17,079 --> 00:34:19,280
Love, yes, I...
299
00:34:19,519 --> 00:34:23,360
I felt like she was caring for us
as best she could.
300
00:34:23,599 --> 00:34:25,280
That she was scared all the time,
301
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,440
her heart trembled for us -
is everything okay with us?
302
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:32,159
She had to check all the time
to make sure we were alright.
303
00:34:33,159 --> 00:34:35,159
That we have everything.
304
00:34:35,439 --> 00:34:38,479
That we do things,
as she understands them to be right,
305
00:34:38,559 --> 00:34:40,800
because then
everything is alright with us.
306
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:45,199
This was an expression of her care,
she did not know any other way.
307
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:47,440
Only through total control.
308
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:50,639
There was no such word
like love in our family.
309
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:52,679
If you said that then
father asks immediately:
310
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:56,280
“What is that?”
He just asked it again this year.
311
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,280
I answered that
it's an interesting animal.
312
00:35:00,159 --> 00:35:02,239
Is it some kind of food?
313
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:07,760
Estonians don't really want
to talk about it.
314
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,039
Yes.
315
00:35:11,079 --> 00:35:13,920
What about hugging, fondling,
being cuddled?
316
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:15,840
No, never, never.
317
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,719
Once I was away
from home for almost five years.
318
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:24,079
My return home was a surprise.
They didn't know about it.
319
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:29,760
Mother was at home when I arrived
on a bicycle. Dad was not.
320
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,760
I entered through the hallway
and peeked into the kitchen.
321
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,760
Mom looks at me and says:
"Oh, you're home."
322
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:40,079
And that was it - no hugging,
no cooking, nothing.
323
00:35:40,279 --> 00:35:42,999
And no one asked, how was your trip?
324
00:35:43,079 --> 00:35:45,439
Where did you go, what did you do?
- How are you?
325
00:35:45,519 --> 00:35:47,880
How do you feel?
Who are your friends?
326
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:49,840
Oh, you found the time to come.
327
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:53,479
Exactly that "oh, you found the time."
328
00:35:53,559 --> 00:35:56,519
Yes, the first phrase is already...
329
00:35:56,639 --> 00:35:59,360
One hour later father comes home
330
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,999
and turns to me with the same
"Oh, you're home!"
331
00:36:02,079 --> 00:36:05,639
I asked if they had an agreement
to greet me with the same sentence?
332
00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:08,400
Then luckily my brother came
and he asked many questions.
333
00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:10,639
I saw how my mother
listened very intently.
334
00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,199
My brother also told me
that she actually has read
335
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,079
all the possible things
about my trip.
336
00:36:15,159 --> 00:36:18,479
But she doesn't want to show me
that she knows, that she's interested.
337
00:36:18,559 --> 00:36:20,479
And then I was like wow -
this is so sad.
338
00:36:20,559 --> 00:36:22,999
Because caring must not be shown.
It is a weakness.
339
00:36:23,079 --> 00:36:24,079
Yes.
340
00:36:37,679 --> 00:36:40,119
You've always had the courage
to run away.
341
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:42,840
You have had the courage
to do something else.
342
00:36:44,159 --> 00:36:47,760
This is something I admire so much
343
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,320
and what I have never dared to do.
344
00:37:13,079 --> 00:37:15,039
There was hugging, yes,
345
00:37:15,159 --> 00:37:18,039
putting hands around the neck
and kissing too.
346
00:37:18,119 --> 00:37:20,639
Nothing but a kiss was allowed.
347
00:37:22,599 --> 00:37:24,239
Mother explained:
348
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:28,159
"You can sleep with a boy
but you can't give yourself to him!"
349
00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:32,519
"Don't let the boy touch you
where he doesn't need to!"
350
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:38,719
If at that time a girl had a child,
it was a great shame.
351
00:40:07,679 --> 00:40:09,679
In a way
352
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:17,239
the Earth's ability
to produce food is a resource.
353
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:21,280
The female body
is also seen as a resource.
354
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:27,079
Women's ability to give birth
has been seen as a resource.
355
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:35,239
Do you think men should have any say
on the decision of give birth or not?
356
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:39,760
This decision should be
only up to the women.
357
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:45,599
What women want to do with their body
should only be up to them.
358
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,559
There should be no say from anybody
359
00:40:48,639 --> 00:40:54,039
whether you should have more
or any children.
360
00:40:54,599 --> 00:40:58,239
Have you ever had an abortion?
- Yes, once.
361
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:04,079
How old were you?
- In my early twenties.
362
00:41:06,119 --> 00:41:08,599
I have also had an abortion.
363
00:41:31,039 --> 00:41:33,039
With me it was like this.
364
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,400
I really loved one boy.
365
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,239
And then I got pregnant.
366
00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:44,880
I was so happy when
I found out I was pregnant.
367
00:41:45,039 --> 00:41:47,639
I invited this boy to visit me.
368
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:52,480
I thought this was such good news -
369
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:55,800
and then I told him.
370
00:41:57,559 --> 00:42:01,480
He got silent
and after a while he said...
371
00:42:01,599 --> 00:42:04,119
he has to go drinking
with his friends now.
372
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,519
And that...
373
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:17,000
that he doesn't want this baby.
374
00:42:19,159 --> 00:42:23,679
If I give birth,
I have to deal with everything myself.
375
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:26,119
He doesn't want to see
this child at all.
376
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:32,039
And I felt like everything
broke inside me.
377
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:37,280
And then I was too scared
to give birth.
378
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:41,800
I found out there was
some kind of abortion pill.
379
00:42:42,639 --> 00:42:44,400
It was in Finland then.
380
00:42:44,639 --> 00:42:49,639
In Estonia, some kind of old-school
abortion was performed,
381
00:42:49,719 --> 00:42:54,079
where you could become infertile.
I was afraid of it.
382
00:42:55,039 --> 00:42:59,039
And then I told my boyfriend
383
00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:01,880
to at least pay for the abortion.
384
00:43:06,519 --> 00:43:13,360
A lump came out
in some toilet in Helsinki.
385
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,639
A man can give you money,
but you have to go through it.
386
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:24,400
And you sit in a toilet
or at the doctor's office still alone.
387
00:43:24,850 --> 00:43:27,880
I think many men don't know that
their wives have had an abortion.
388
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:29,840
For sure...
389
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:33,679
My mother has had, for example...
390
00:43:35,079 --> 00:43:37,159
several abortions...
391
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,719
But she's still ashamed,
she doesn't dare to say it.
392
00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:42,960
I am also ashamed.
393
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:22,000
♪ Oh you dear cheater-groom! ♪
394
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:30,159
♪ You deceived the mother
and father-in-law! ♪
395
00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:38,159
♪ You deceived their young daughter! ♪
396
00:44:38,559 --> 00:44:46,239
♪ You promised to carry her
in a carriage! ♪
397
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:54,920
♪ You promised to swing her
in the cradle! ♪
398
00:45:06,039 --> 00:45:11,639
I have been thinking about
the choices we have as women.
399
00:45:12,199 --> 00:45:15,999
My grandmother never said it herself,
400
00:45:16,079 --> 00:45:19,480
but I heard about it later.
401
00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:27,599
She was so badly beaten
by her husband.
402
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:33,679
By my grandfather, whom I have
never met because he died earlier.
403
00:45:35,039 --> 00:45:42,840
He used to beat her
by banging her head against the floor.
404
00:45:43,559 --> 00:45:48,480
Once her ribs were broken
and she was taken to the hospital.
405
00:45:48,599 --> 00:45:50,960
And her mental health...
406
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:56,840
All the huge post-war famine...
407
00:45:57,119 --> 00:46:00,440
Those late 1940s, 1950s...
408
00:46:01,719 --> 00:46:05,920
Collective farms...
All these conditions...
409
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,559
So what are your options?
410
00:46:11,199 --> 00:46:16,039
Even when grandfather
took another woman
411
00:46:16,119 --> 00:46:18,760
to live with them
in the same house,
412
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:22,559
even then grandmother still...
413
00:46:23,039 --> 00:46:27,519
She remained single
after he was already dead.
414
00:46:27,679 --> 00:46:32,679
She still visited his grave
from time to time and...
415
00:46:39,519 --> 00:46:42,960
As my grand-aunt said that...
416
00:46:43,320 --> 00:46:47,119
grandmother was crazy about this man.
417
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:51,679
Everyone warned her about him -
418
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,800
he was a womanizer and a drunkard.
419
00:46:56,360 --> 00:47:00,239
But yes - it's interesting...
420
00:47:01,199 --> 00:47:05,760
Grandmother had made her choice
in favor of this man.
421
00:47:06,639 --> 00:47:09,239
And it was such a final choice.
422
00:47:11,599 --> 00:47:17,440
You can be beaten
or even beaten to death.
423
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:47,800
Hair gets too hot otherwise.
You can hear them crackling.
424
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:50,519
Thank you.
425
00:50:25,639 --> 00:50:27,800
You were sleeping.
426
00:50:28,159 --> 00:50:32,000
There were many blankets
and the abundance of bedding...
427
00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:34,360
And...
428
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:37,440
Lord, how beautiful you were.
429
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:43,639
I hoped you'll stay asleep.
430
00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:47,920
I brought paper and a pen
and I drew you.
431
00:50:49,199 --> 00:50:54,719
You slept like that,
hand under your chin.
432
00:50:58,159 --> 00:50:59,960
I drew you.
433
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:07,039
And now I've discovered
434
00:51:07,119 --> 00:51:09,880
that it is the most comfortable
position for sleeping.
435
00:51:09,960 --> 00:51:12,280
I even roll the blanket here.
436
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:15,119
If I have exactly 15 minutes
to sleep during a day,
437
00:51:15,199 --> 00:51:20,719
then this is the position where I can
really fall asleep immediately.
438
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:24,920
And when I gave you that picture,
even then I was afraid that...
439
00:51:27,320 --> 00:51:31,880
How do you like it
or do you consider it important?
440
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:41,880
I don't really remember how it...
441
00:51:42,639 --> 00:51:44,800
how did it all happen like this...
442
00:51:45,719 --> 00:51:47,920
probably quite tipsy.
443
00:51:48,639 --> 00:51:51,239
But I remember kissing you
444
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,840
or you kissed me
or we kissed each other.
445
00:51:57,679 --> 00:51:59,599
But how did it happen?
446
00:52:10,199 --> 00:52:14,559
By the way, I also don't remember
how it first happened.
447
00:52:16,119 --> 00:52:19,519
Maybe we were tipsy.
448
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:29,079
It seemed to me that...
449
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:39,360
That okay, that in fact
you like men, and...
450
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:48,000
And I was so afraid of getting hurt.
451
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:53,920
That it turns out to be just a game...
452
00:52:54,559 --> 00:52:55,920
for you.
453
00:52:59,719 --> 00:53:03,880
And I didn't have any...
it was definitely not a game.
454
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:08,999
But I didn't understand whether it was
anything more than trying it out.
455
00:53:09,079 --> 00:53:13,679
I actually still do not really know...
456
00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:19,679
We have those concepts
so strongly in front of us,
457
00:53:19,840 --> 00:53:25,519
that who should offer you intimacy
and who is the one you should miss.
458
00:53:26,079 --> 00:53:28,800
We all long for intimacy,
459
00:53:29,199 --> 00:53:32,000
but do we dare to let in that
460
00:53:32,199 --> 00:53:34,199
what seems, well, unusual?
461
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:38,480
Do we recognize in that moment
what we want?
462
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:44,760
Do you mean
that you had this strong concept,
463
00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:48,000
that only a man and a woman
should be together?
464
00:53:48,199 --> 00:53:50,439
Yes, and I don't know
if I still have it.
465
00:53:50,519 --> 00:53:52,199
I don't know...
466
00:53:53,800 --> 00:53:57,639
Well, I don't feel a huge urge
to experiment
467
00:53:57,760 --> 00:54:01,199
but I do know,
that I have seen you in my dreams.
468
00:55:28,480 --> 00:55:30,800
Breaking up was a very big sin.
469
00:55:31,519 --> 00:55:35,599
I don't know anyone
who would have divorced around here,
470
00:55:36,119 --> 00:55:37,840
never even heard of it.
471
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:43,559
Those who got married,
even if there were difficulties...
472
00:55:44,039 --> 00:55:48,679
Quarreled and fought
till they finally reconciled.
473
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:51,519
And they lived together until death.
474
00:55:53,719 --> 00:55:55,920
My neighbour over the hill,
475
00:55:56,039 --> 00:55:58,280
his wife died and he asked me,
476
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:01,800
"Dear Mari, will you come to wash her?
477
00:56:01,880 --> 00:56:05,360
I already heated the sauna
to warm the water."
478
00:56:05,639 --> 00:56:09,239
Who washes the dead with warm water?
I have never heard of it before!
479
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:11,760
But he had never dealt
with the dead before,
480
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:14,840
he thought the wife should be washed
with warm water.
481
00:56:15,920 --> 00:56:18,440
I've washed so many dead people.
482
00:56:18,719 --> 00:56:21,000
I guess I have, I don't know...
483
00:56:21,679 --> 00:56:25,280
Those are called to wash the dead...
484
00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:28,440
who are brave and not afraid.
But some fear the dead
485
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:30,960
and they don't want to touch the dead.
486
00:56:32,039 --> 00:56:35,639
Forty days the soul of the dead
is at home.
487
00:56:36,519 --> 00:56:38,480
And sees everything.
488
00:56:39,159 --> 00:56:43,239
Forty days were about to pass
after my husband's death.
489
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:47,280
Forty days was over
and it was evening.
490
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:50,079
While I was sleeping in bed,
I opened my eyes
491
00:56:50,199 --> 00:56:52,679
and my husband
was standing next to me
492
00:56:52,840 --> 00:56:58,199
wearing the same clothes
in which he was buried.
493
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:03,360
He looked at me and I was so happy -
a smile came on my face.
494
00:57:03,480 --> 00:57:05,599
"Well, aren't you dead?"
I asked...
495
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:08,719
As I looked he disappeared.
496
00:57:35,199 --> 00:57:37,679
Feel it. Is it suitable?
497
00:57:39,639 --> 00:57:41,400
Yes, it is.
498
00:57:43,480 --> 00:57:46,000
Dear spirits, now its your turn...
499
00:57:46,159 --> 00:57:48,119
come wash yourselves.
500
00:57:55,519 --> 00:57:58,119
If you do a spirits sauna...
501
00:57:58,440 --> 00:58:00,880
I don't dare to call my mother.
502
00:58:01,760 --> 00:58:05,519
Because I feel
she might get upset with me.
503
00:58:12,119 --> 00:58:15,880
I have had close experience
with death in my life.
504
00:58:16,239 --> 00:58:20,800
I have my own relationship with death.
505
00:58:24,679 --> 00:58:27,519
I was 39 years old
when I became pregnant.
506
00:58:27,639 --> 00:58:29,800
It was the second time in my life.
507
00:58:31,719 --> 00:58:34,880
My first child was already big.
508
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:37,880
There was a new love in my life.
509
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:41,679
We were both very much
looking forward to this baby.
510
00:58:44,119 --> 00:58:48,480
There were a few days left
until the due date.
511
00:58:48,719 --> 00:58:52,119
When I went to bed at night
I remember the feeling -
512
00:58:52,239 --> 00:58:55,400
strange, she hasn't
moved for a long time.
513
00:58:55,559 --> 00:58:59,000
But I thought it's okay,
she's just sleeping.
514
00:58:59,280 --> 00:59:06,360
I thought let's go to the hospital
and check just to calm our hearts.
515
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:11,280
And then there is this moment
when the woman...
516
00:59:12,920 --> 00:59:16,079
who is on your belly
with the device says nothing.
517
00:59:16,159 --> 00:59:18,920
But you look at her and you know...
518
00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:30,479
When the baby is dead inside you,
then childbirth must be induced.
519
00:59:30,559 --> 00:59:34,679
It's clear that this child
won't come out on her own anymore.
520
00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:39,639
This induction process
takes quite a long time -
521
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:42,480
at least in my case
it lasted quite a long time.
522
00:59:43,360 --> 00:59:45,559
All night and all day.
523
00:59:47,039 --> 00:59:50,079
I remember at some point
when that pain came
524
00:59:50,199 --> 00:59:52,320
then I just screamed.
525
00:59:55,639 --> 00:59:58,960
When my first child was born,
then I didn't make a sound.
526
00:59:59,079 --> 01:00:03,400
It seemed weird somehow
or I just couldn't do it.
527
01:00:04,599 --> 01:00:08,159
Now it was like
the only thing I could do.
528
01:00:10,880 --> 01:00:13,039
In the end,
childbirth is like childbirth.
529
01:00:13,119 --> 01:00:16,480
Every woman who has given birth
knows this feeling
530
01:00:16,599 --> 01:00:19,840
that at some point
you're somewhere in the zone.
531
01:00:20,159 --> 01:00:23,400
And in that sense
it doesn't really matter
532
01:00:23,480 --> 01:00:27,960
whether you're giving birth
to a living or a lifeless child.
533
01:00:28,079 --> 01:00:32,760
This zone is still the same,
when childbirth begins to approach
534
01:00:32,840 --> 01:00:35,519
or the child begins to come out.
535
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:40,000
At one point the pain is simply over.
536
01:00:44,199 --> 01:00:48,559
Then I remember
when that baby was put on my lap.
537
01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:54,719
This baby was very beautiful -
she was still warm.
538
01:00:55,880 --> 01:00:57,880
And then slowly...
539
01:00:58,960 --> 01:01:01,679
She started to get colder...
540
01:01:02,239 --> 01:01:04,000
and colder.
541
01:01:06,239 --> 01:01:08,440
Doctors say that...
542
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:13,320
if your baby has died in the womb,
it's best to give birth to it yourself
543
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:18,119
and not to have a C-section.
Many women argue against it -
544
01:01:18,559 --> 01:01:22,320
that it's hard enough,
why do you still have to give birth?
545
01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:27,719
I'm actually glad I gave birth,
546
01:01:27,840 --> 01:01:31,760
because the pain
that you feel during the birth
547
01:01:31,840 --> 01:01:36,000
will finally begin to work for you.
548
01:01:36,519 --> 01:01:38,480
So when it's all over,
549
01:01:38,639 --> 01:01:44,480
some part of this pain
is already burnt or dissolved.
550
01:02:03,480 --> 01:02:09,840
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...
551
01:02:11,719 --> 01:02:19,679
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...
552
01:02:54,239 --> 01:03:02,239
What has to go, should go...
553
01:03:57,559 --> 01:04:04,760
Out! Off-off, get out now!
554
01:04:06,920 --> 01:04:09,679
Clean the child!
555
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:13,199
So be it...
556
01:04:14,760 --> 01:04:21,599
Water, take the pain away…
557
01:04:35,079 --> 01:04:42,400
Water, take the pain away…
558
01:06:54,239 --> 01:06:55,880
Now it's called a period,
559
01:06:55,960 --> 01:06:59,199
when I was a child
it was called 'your illness'.
560
01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:02,079
I had my first period, and then I...
561
01:07:03,119 --> 01:07:08,920
My mother was so silly that
she didn't explain about the illness..
562
01:07:09,159 --> 01:07:12,800
I saw something start
to flow out of me
563
01:07:13,039 --> 01:07:17,679
and I went behind the door
and began to weep,
564
01:07:17,800 --> 01:07:22,119
that now I run out of blood
and that's it.
565
01:07:22,239 --> 01:07:26,039
I guess I didn't even have
any panties on then.
566
01:07:26,639 --> 01:07:28,920
I cried there and mother asked:
567
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:32,320
"Why are you crying, baby,
here at the door?"
568
01:07:32,920 --> 01:07:36,559
Mother saw what was wrong
and said: "Oh!"
569
01:07:37,000 --> 01:07:41,159
"Dear child, it's nothing wrong,
you're becoming a woman now!"
570
01:07:41,880 --> 01:07:44,280
"Now that your sickness has started!"
571
01:07:44,360 --> 01:07:46,679
Then you become a woman,
572
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,280
until your illness you were a child.
573
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:25,600
How were you told?
Were you told...
574
01:08:25,680 --> 01:08:28,680
My grandmother always said to me
to go wash my wee-wee.
575
01:08:28,880 --> 01:08:33,279
And it was so absolutely embarrassing.
576
01:08:33,439 --> 01:08:38,319
Sometimes she said it in front of
my grandfather and it was so awful.
577
01:08:38,399 --> 01:08:41,760
I was a little girl,
but somehow I was so embarrassed.
578
01:08:41,880 --> 01:08:45,960
Where does such
embarrassment come from?
579
01:08:46,040 --> 01:08:47,920
Do you remember?
- I do.
580
01:08:48,000 --> 01:08:50,359
Was it so?
- I was also embarrassed about it.
581
01:08:50,479 --> 01:08:53,680
But what do you tell your daughters?
- Fluffy.
582
01:08:53,840 --> 01:08:55,720
Fluffy?
- Yes.
583
01:08:58,359 --> 01:09:02,479
I think it's pussy. I say pussy.
584
01:09:02,880 --> 01:09:04,439
I also say pussy.
585
01:09:05,039 --> 01:09:08,840
Pussy... I can't say wee-wee,
because with this I have...
586
01:09:09,840 --> 01:09:12,190
Completely...
- But this - wash your underparts?
587
01:09:12,800 --> 01:09:15,760
It was awful! I hate it!
588
01:09:15,840 --> 01:09:20,119
Exactly! That was so horrible!
589
01:09:20,439 --> 01:09:24,079
Yeah, wash your underparts.
My underparts are all clean!
590
01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:29,039
And you have to report
to your grandmother or mother.
591
01:09:29,239 --> 01:09:32,199
I remember, for example -
I had a grandmother
592
01:09:32,279 --> 01:09:35,880
and her ideal was a pure woman -
a woman must be pure.
593
01:09:35,960 --> 01:09:39,840
I remember, I was 4 or 5 years old,
she took me outside
594
01:09:39,920 --> 01:09:43,880
and we started talking,
that it is very important
595
01:09:44,359 --> 01:09:47,239
that a woman does not have
loose pants.
596
01:09:47,359 --> 01:09:52,600
And then I thought,
what if I'm wearing a dress?
597
01:09:55,399 --> 01:09:59,399
I didn't understand what that meant.
598
01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:03,680
Okay, why not?
Loose - so your pants fall off?
599
01:10:03,760 --> 01:10:05,880
Yes, they fall off.
600
01:10:07,079 --> 01:10:11,199
Well and then you may...
that you have to keep it.
601
01:10:11,319 --> 01:10:14,600
What do I have to keep?
You have to keep your purity.
602
01:10:14,880 --> 01:10:17,560
What do you mean, purity?
Like I'm washing myself?
603
01:10:17,720 --> 01:10:21,399
Then she said that virginity
is a woman's most important asset,
604
01:10:21,479 --> 01:10:23,399
it must be kept very carefully.
605
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:27,319
And I imagined,
after all, every girl imagines it,
606
01:10:27,399 --> 01:10:30,119
what is it like - the first time?
607
01:10:30,199 --> 01:10:33,399
That there's a boy,
who loves me very much.
608
01:10:33,600 --> 01:10:38,039
And then it happened, that instead
some disgusting old man raped me.
609
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:41,479
How did you get to this old man?
610
01:10:45,399 --> 01:10:49,399
When I was 16 or 17,
611
01:10:50,439 --> 01:10:53,439
anyway, I was hitchhiking,
612
01:10:53,920 --> 01:10:56,640
and then...
613
01:10:59,359 --> 01:11:05,479
Then I was picked up by an old man
and he seemed very friendly.
614
01:11:05,600 --> 01:11:10,399
He was joking
and the radio was playing.
615
01:11:10,520 --> 01:11:13,199
There was a song about roses
by Mati Nuude.
616
01:11:13,319 --> 01:11:16,359
I even started singing along.
617
01:11:16,720 --> 01:11:18,760
So yeah, very nice.
618
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:22,159
And then he said:
"Oh, I need to get some gas."
619
01:11:22,239 --> 01:11:25,720
"I'll take you further,
but I need to get gas."
620
01:11:26,239 --> 01:11:29,760
And then he turned
towards some village.
621
01:11:29,840 --> 01:11:31,680
And I thought - okay.
622
01:11:32,640 --> 01:11:37,199
Then he drove and at one point,
when he turned away,
623
01:11:37,319 --> 01:11:43,119
I suddenly had this feeling
in my stomach, that oh crap.
624
01:11:44,760 --> 01:11:48,520
And then he turned to a forest road.
625
01:11:48,760 --> 01:11:52,520
Then I realized I was in deep shit.
This is not a gas station.
626
01:11:52,640 --> 01:11:56,840
Thoughts started to rush like crazy,
what am I going to do now...
627
01:11:58,039 --> 01:12:03,720
Then he stopped at some house
and went out.
628
01:12:05,039 --> 01:12:08,999
I wanted to go out the door
and I realized,
629
01:12:09,079 --> 01:12:12,279
that there in the back where I sat,
these doors do not open.
630
01:12:12,399 --> 01:12:15,039
That they are made so
that I can't get out.
631
01:12:16,079 --> 01:12:20,159
And then I hear the barking of dogs.
632
01:12:20,640 --> 01:12:24,720
There were 3 or 4 large dogs
around the car,
633
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,840
and I was terribly afraid of dogs.
634
01:12:27,039 --> 01:12:31,119
The dogs were growling around the car
and I thought oh shit!
635
01:12:31,199 --> 01:12:35,479
I can't drive,
my mind was working like crazy.
636
01:12:35,880 --> 01:12:38,720
Dogs are all around, what can I do?
637
01:12:38,840 --> 01:12:41,159
This is not real,
it's not happening to me.
638
01:12:41,239 --> 01:12:44,079
This happens in the movies,
it doesn't happen to me.
639
01:12:44,720 --> 01:12:49,159
The man went to that house
and then he comes out and I'm thinking,
640
01:12:49,279 --> 01:12:53,399
maybe he's coming back behind the wheel
and we just drive on.
641
01:12:53,479 --> 01:12:58,399
But no, this guy is already
approaching my door,
642
01:12:58,479 --> 01:13:02,479
and he opens that door
and he has a knife in his hand.
643
01:13:03,239 --> 01:13:11,119
I started telling him
that my father is a tough cop
644
01:13:11,239 --> 01:13:18,560
and that I should call him,
because he worries.
645
01:13:18,720 --> 01:13:23,720
And the man says:
"No he's not, hush little birdie!"
646
01:13:24,720 --> 01:13:27,399
And then I like...
647
01:13:28,359 --> 01:13:31,159
I try to push him away.
648
01:13:31,319 --> 01:13:33,920
This guy now gets my precious asset!
649
01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:36,560
And then...
650
01:13:37,279 --> 01:13:40,039
Then I thought,
it really doesn't matter,
651
01:13:40,119 --> 01:13:43,640
I want to survive, I want to live.
652
01:13:44,040 --> 01:13:46,319
I have something to say
and give to the world,
653
01:13:46,439 --> 01:13:50,239
I don't care about this precious asset.
654
01:13:53,840 --> 01:13:58,439
Then I looked out the car window,
I looked at those trees and the forest.
655
01:14:00,119 --> 01:14:03,920
And then I just spoke to God,
656
01:14:04,520 --> 01:14:07,880
that please, I want to survive.
657
01:14:07,960 --> 01:14:12,359
That sorry God, I don't care
about this precious asset of a woman.
658
01:14:12,479 --> 01:14:15,479
Because I just want to survive.
659
01:14:18,079 --> 01:14:23,359
Then I just prayed and at one point
I was no longer fighting back.
660
01:14:23,479 --> 01:14:26,520
I thought I don't care,
he has a knife and I don't want to...
661
01:14:26,600 --> 01:14:29,520
Then I thought
that if he stabs me with that knife,
662
01:14:29,640 --> 01:14:32,600
what can he do? He can cripple me.
663
01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:35,039
He can make me ugly.
664
01:14:35,119 --> 01:14:37,800
And then no one wants me anymore,
665
01:14:37,920 --> 01:14:41,239
when my face is made ugly!
I don't care!
666
01:14:46,399 --> 01:14:50,720
And then, at one point,
he started to feel sorry for me.
667
01:14:51,159 --> 01:14:57,039
And then he said: "There-there,
don't be like this now, it's nothing."
668
01:14:57,159 --> 01:15:02,319
"If you want, let's go to the cottage,
there is a beautiful, comfortable bed."
669
01:15:02,439 --> 01:15:06,880
"I'll show you how it's really done,
this car is not the best place."
670
01:15:07,239 --> 01:15:11,159
And then he got some gasoline,
I don't know from where he got it.
671
01:15:11,479 --> 01:15:14,560
Then drove me by the road somewhere.
672
01:15:15,159 --> 01:15:19,640
He opened the door, so I got out
and then he still wanted to kiss me.
673
01:15:22,199 --> 01:15:24,640
He said: "Maybe we'll meet again?"
674
01:15:26,479 --> 01:15:28,800
Such a bastard!
675
01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:34,840
And then I...
676
01:15:37,920 --> 01:15:40,840
I ran away from him.
677
01:15:41,479 --> 01:15:43,720
No, I didn't run right away.
678
01:15:43,880 --> 01:15:49,159
I was there at the roadside saying:
"No, I'm going to hitchhike home now."
679
01:15:49,279 --> 01:15:54,279
Then he drove away
and I was just trembling in the ditch.
680
01:15:54,720 --> 01:15:56,800
That story actually goes on.
681
01:15:56,960 --> 01:16:03,000
I'm trembling in the ditch there,
and then another car comes,
682
01:16:03,080 --> 01:16:05,640
two men in it,
they noticed me in the ditch.
683
01:16:05,760 --> 01:16:10,319
They asked, if I need any help?
684
01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:14,119
And I'm trembling there,
685
01:16:14,199 --> 01:16:17,399
that yes, I do need help,
I need to get home.
686
01:16:17,640 --> 01:16:19,920
They picked me up and asked:
687
01:16:20,039 --> 01:16:23,199
"Why are you trembling,
pretty birdie?"
688
01:16:23,359 --> 01:16:25,640
I thought I was ugly,
689
01:16:25,760 --> 01:16:29,880
but in fact I got a lot of compliments
at the time, I was skinny.
690
01:16:30,760 --> 01:16:33,119
But I really hated myself.
691
01:16:33,199 --> 01:16:35,439
Anyway -
"Why are you trembling, little birdie?"
692
01:16:35,520 --> 01:16:39,880
And then I said that a man raped me.
693
01:16:41,119 --> 01:16:45,439
They said: "Oh fuck, that is bad."
694
01:16:46,000 --> 01:16:48,439
"You need cognac!"
695
01:16:48,520 --> 01:16:52,880
They took me to a house somewhere
696
01:16:53,000 --> 01:16:56,680
and gave me some whiskey or cognac,
made me drink it.
697
01:16:56,880 --> 01:17:00,439
Then one of them
sat in the back seat next to me
698
01:17:00,560 --> 01:17:03,199
and began to put his hands around me.
699
01:17:04,199 --> 01:17:06,760
And he started to touch me.
700
01:17:07,159 --> 01:17:09,279
And then he was kissing me.
701
01:17:09,560 --> 01:17:11,279
And he said:
702
01:17:11,439 --> 01:17:16,279
"Hey, everything's okay now!
It's done!"
703
01:17:16,560 --> 01:17:21,239
"Now that your virginity is gone,
you can start living life!"
704
01:17:25,119 --> 01:17:28,680
And then I...
705
01:17:29,399 --> 01:17:33,079
I was so confused,
I found myself kissing him back.
706
01:17:33,159 --> 01:17:35,959
And later I thought, what was that?
I kissed him back,
707
01:17:36,039 --> 01:17:40,439
and I let him touch me,
that now everything is gone.
708
01:17:40,520 --> 01:17:42,960
I can't say...
I don't even know what happened.
709
01:17:43,040 --> 01:17:45,560
But I let him do everything.
710
01:17:47,159 --> 01:17:51,760
Anyway,
when they finally took me home,
711
01:17:52,199 --> 01:17:56,520
then my mom...
712
01:17:57,920 --> 01:18:00,159
At first I didn't say anything.
713
01:18:00,279 --> 01:18:05,600
But after a while I told my mother
that such a thing happened.
714
01:18:05,720 --> 01:18:11,439
I told her I was raped
and she did not believe it.
715
01:18:11,760 --> 01:18:13,439
"You were raped?"
716
01:18:13,560 --> 01:18:17,359
"Listen, come up with something better,
to get attention."
717
01:18:17,680 --> 01:18:20,520
I don't know if she didn't believe
that I...
718
01:18:20,680 --> 01:18:24,520
Did she really think I was so ugly
that I'm not even suitable for rape?
719
01:18:24,640 --> 01:18:26,960
That's what I thought.
720
01:18:28,560 --> 01:18:34,399
A few years later, I saw on TV
how two girls had been abducted
721
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:38,039
and they were tortured
and raped for several days.
722
01:18:39,560 --> 01:18:44,439
Luckily they were able to escape,
they would probably have been killed.
723
01:18:44,560 --> 01:18:49,319
I saw it in the police news
and then I saw my rapist there.
724
01:18:51,560 --> 01:18:54,279
And then I realized
725
01:18:55,039 --> 01:18:59,239
that I was very close to being killed.
726
01:19:00,520 --> 01:19:03,079
I don't know if that prayer helped...
727
01:19:24,800 --> 01:19:28,239
I want to protect my daughter
from all this!
728
01:19:28,399 --> 01:19:32,359
But how to do it?
How can I do that?
729
01:22:29,000 --> 01:22:37,000
♪ We sweat out all this pain!
We sweat out all that fear! ♪
730
01:23:41,920 --> 01:23:49,880
♪ Sweat it out, out, out! ♪
731
01:23:53,640 --> 01:24:01,239
♪ Pain out! Pain out! Pain out! ♪
732
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:07,560
♪ Out! Out! Out! ♪
733
01:24:09,760 --> 01:24:12,880
♪ Out! ♪
734
01:25:26,880 --> 01:25:32,239
TO ALL MY SISTERS
735
01:25:49,399 --> 01:25:56,039
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪
736
01:25:59,399 --> 01:26:01,959
♪ We thank the effort ♪
737
01:26:02,039 --> 01:26:04,760
♪ of the sauna keeper! ♪
738
01:26:09,199 --> 01:26:15,600
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪
739
01:26:18,760 --> 01:26:21,520
♪ We thank the water bearer ♪
740
01:26:21,640 --> 01:26:24,479
♪ and the whisk maker! ♪
741
01:26:28,439 --> 01:26:35,079
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪
742
01:26:38,399 --> 01:26:45,760
♪ Dear Mother Earth and Father Sky! ♪
743
01:26:48,960 --> 01:26:55,680
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪
744
01:26:59,000 --> 01:27:01,600
♪ For you have nourished ♪
745
01:27:01,720 --> 01:27:03,960
♪ the birch tree... ♪
746
01:27:08,640 --> 01:27:15,760
♪ ...and blessed the waters! ♪
747
01:27:16,560 --> 01:27:23,319
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪
748
01:27:26,640 --> 01:27:30,720
♪ Thank you dear fire, ♪
749
01:27:30,800 --> 01:27:34,439
♪ thank you dear stones! ♪
750
01:27:35,399 --> 01:27:42,239
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪
751
01:27:45,600 --> 01:27:52,520
♪ All our pain to the cold water! ♪
752
01:27:53,159 --> 01:28:00,600
♪ All our fears to the cold water! ♪
753
01:28:01,199 --> 01:28:07,800
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪
754
01:28:10,920 --> 01:28:17,680
♪ Dear Smoke Sauna, you sacred place! ♪
61560
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