All language subtitles for Midnight.1939.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]e

The train is in.
It is Paris, madame.

Call me in the morning.

Everybody off the train!

Just when I was getting to
like the old place, too.

Well!

So this, as they say,
is Paris, huh?

Yes, madame.

Well, from here it looks an awful lot
like a rainy night in Kokomo, Indiana.

Well, let's wade in.

Can I get
your luggage?

I wish you would.

Where is it?

Municipal Pawnshop,
Monte Carlo.

So long, handsome!

Taxi, monsieur! Taxi.

Taxi. Taxi.
Taxi. Taxi.

Taxi, madame!
Taxi! Taxi.

Taxi, madame. Taxi?

No, thank you.

Taxi? Taxi?

Taxi, madame?
No.

Madame enjoys
the rain, huh?

Here's how things stand.

I could have you drive me all around town,
and then tell you I left my purse home

on the grand piano.

There's no grand piano,
no home and the purse,

25 centimes with a hole in it.
That's what's left of the Peabody stake.

Oh, you have
no money, huh?

That's right.

I need a taxi to find myself a job.
I need a job to pay for the taxi.

No taxi, no job.
No job, no soap.

But if I do promote one,
I'll pay you twice what the meter says, see?

Double or nothing.
You'll give me the honor

of driving you around while
you look for a job, huh?

That's it.
And for that you'll pay me double?

Oh, and a great
big-daddy tip.

Oh, that sounds like
good business!

What do you say?

I say no.

Taxi?

Get in!

No!

Get in!

Only now you don't
get that tip.

What kind of work
do you want?

Well,
at this time of night and in these clothes,

I'm not looking
for needlework.

It'd be easier to drink
this than read it.

Here we are.
Nightclubs.

What are you,
a dancer?

Did you ever hear of Eve Peabody,
the famous American blues singer?

Nope.

Confidentially,
she didn't get to be a blues singer

till she stepped
into your cab.

Oh, let's try
the Bal Tabarin.

Oh,
you have to be pretty good to work there.

Say,
do you always travel in an evening dress?

No, I was wearing this in Monte Carlo
when a nasty accident occurred.

What happened, a fire?

No.

The roulette system I was
playing collapsed under me.

I left the casino with
what I had on my back.

Say, is that your
last cigarette?

Want it?
Thanks.

Matches?
No, I got 'em.

Monte Carlo
booby prize.

Well, that's
the smallest.

I guess mine is
strictly a bathtub voice.

Aren't you
wet through?

How far do you think "through"
is for a woman these days?

Well, where to now?

Oh, no. Eighty francs
is enough, Skipper.

I'm sorry I got you
into this mess.

That's all right.
Where to now?

Back to the station.

What are you going
to do back there?

Sit in
the waiting room.

Waiting for what?

For tomorrow morning.

This isn't the station!
I'm going to buy you

a cheap dinner.

Listen, you lost a gamble.
You don't have to feed it.

I don't like to think of a
woman sitting around a station

with an empty stomach!

Oh, I know! This
is the pumpkin coach

and you're the Fairy Godmother!
Cut that stuff out.

It's raining. Come on!
Okay, Skipper.

Oh, wait!
I forgot my hat.

I wouldn't have taken oysters, only I thought
they were on the regular dinner, honest.

Forget it.

No, it was
a dirty trick, Skipper.

Say, what's your name?
I'm tired of calling you Skipper.

Czerny is the name.
Tibor Czerny.

Tea what?
Tibor. Tibor Czerny.

I'm Hungarian.
Where I come from, they'd think Eve Peabody

is a funny name.
Oh, yeah?

May I?

May I?

Oh, sure.

Taxi?

What goes on?

They're beating up
the guy that yelled taxi.

Why?
He didn't want a taxi.

Then why did he
yell for one?

Because I paid
him 5 francs.

I'm running into money,
Mr. Czerny.

I wish you'd stop talking about money.
I'm a rich man.

You? Sure.
I need 40 francs a day

and I make 40 francs.

What about that
rainy day when it comes?

On a rainy day,
I make double.

No bank account,
no real estate, no possessions.

Three handkerchiefs, two shirts,
one tie, no worries.

Oh, you're talking
like a fool.

Listen, if you want peace of mind,
get yourself a taxicab.

No woman ever found peace in a taxi.
I'm looking for a limousine.

They don't ride
any better. Sugar?

They ride better
than the subway.

I spent most of my
life in a Bronx local.

Squeezed, trampled,
stepped on.

One day I said to myself, "That's enough.
You're going to get somewhere."

That's why I came abroad. I shipped to
London in a can of imported chorines.

You know, most of those gals ended
up with a lord or something.

Is that what you call
getting somewhere?

It's a step in
the right direction.

I landed a lord,
almost.

Almost?

Well, the family
got between us.

His mother came to my hotel
and offered me a bribe.

You threw her out,
I hope.

Well,
how could I with my hands full of money?

You... You mean,
you took the money?

Listen, I've got a few ideas
about peace of mind myself.

I carried that cash straight down to
Monte Carlo and played it to win.

And lost. Serves you right for
wanting something for nothing.

All right. It took me years to realize
you just don't fall into a tub of butter.

You jump for it.

You're the one that's
talking like a fool now.

No hard feelings,
Mr. Czerny?

No.

It's too bad, though.

Do you want
some more wine?

Please.

Say, we need some gas.

Where's that railroad station,
anyway?

Oh, we've passed that.
You're going to sleep at my place.

What was that?

I said you're going
to sleep at my place.

Oh, no,
I'm not.

Listen,
I've got to drive this cab all night.

How do you expect me to keep
my mind on my business,

knowing you haven't
a roof over your head?

No thanks, Skipper.

Here is the key.

There's a shirt drying over the bathtub.
You can sleep in that.

Be out by 7:00 in the morning.
Put this under the mat.

No, you'd better
keep the key.

Now, don't be a fool.

I've been
a fool too long.

Listen, back in New York,
whenever I managed

to crash a party full of luscious,
big-hearted millionaires,

there was sure to be some snub-faced
kid in the orchestra playing traps.

So, around 4:00 in the morning,
when the wise girls were skipping off

to Connecticut to marry those millionaires,
I'd be with him in some nightspot,

learning tricks
on the kettledrum.

And he always had
a nose like yours.

Is there anything
wrong with my nose?

Yes, I like it.

Do you mind?

We're no good for each other, Skipper.
We're going in different directions.

That's what you think.

Oh, come on now.

Turn the cab around.

Nope.

You'd better
feed this thing.

Your rear tire
looks bad.

Never had a puncture
in my life.

Permit me,
madame.

Very unfortunate,
this rain, madame.

It always rains when Stephanie
gives one of her dull parties.

Even nature weeps.

Edouart,
stop scratching.

I'm not scratching, Simone.
I think I forgot the admission cards.

Admission cards? Stephanie will have them
for her own funeral just to keep it chic.

Your wrap,
madam.

Oh, yes.

I'm so sorry.

Is this taken?

No, madam.

Thank you.

My dear friends,

the next offering in our
little musical program

will be Chopin's 11th �tude,
as played by our dear, dear friend,

Prince Potopienko.

It is the 12th �tude,
ma ch�re.

Before we go any further,
I'd like your attention one moment more.

Is there anybody in this
room named Eve Peabody?

No?

Well,
does anyone here know a Miss Eve Peabody?

Well,
I won't trouble the rest of you any further.

Now, my dear.
Chopin's 11th Pr�lude.

It is the 12th
and it is an �tude.

What's the matter,
darling?

Some woman
got in here

with this pawn ticket.

Madame?

A word with you.
With me?

Yes, with you.

I thought so.

Well, all right,
let's get it over with.

I've had my eye on you from
the moment you came in.

And I should
have known better.

You were trying to sneak out,
weren't you?

Well, I thought
if I went quietly...

Don't apologize. You are not the only one.
There are three of us in rebellion

against that music.
Come on.

You do play bridge,
don't you?

Yes.

Good.

But why did you
pick on me?

You looked charming.
You looked bored.

You looked as though you can
trump your partner's ace.

Better wipe the rouge
off your mouth.

I've got one.

Madame Flammarion,
may I present Madame...

How do you do?
How do you do, madame?

Madame...
Czerny.

Madame Czerny?
Yes.

May I present
Jacques Picot.

One of the most dangerous
men in the room.

Paid advertisement.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Shall we cut?

Well, is nobody
going to introduce me?

Oh, this is
Marcel Renard.

He is...
How would you describe yourself, Marcel?

I'm a
telephone worshipper.

A what?

Whenever a day comes
without an invitation,

I pray to my telephone as though
it were a little black god.

I beg of it to speak to me.
To ask me out somewhere.

Anywhere where there's
caviar and champagne.

Well, what are
we playing for?

Buttons?

Our usual stakes,
5 francs a point?

5 francs?

5 francs is
a bit tepid.

If you'd care to
make them higher...

Oh, no! No.
No, it makes no difference to me.

Jacques, are you free
tomorrow afternoon?

I am.

Jacques?

Of course, my dear.
What is it?

I saw Simone inside.
She says her autumn collection of hats

is simply divine.

Will you go
with me?

Love to.

Two spades.
Pass.

I don't want to buy another hat
that you don't like, my dear.

You mean the one like a duster?
I'm against feathers.

What's your bid?
Pass.

Pass.
What?

But you can't pass when your
partner said two spades.

That means she's got a glorious hand.
Now it's wasted.

Now I know why you
called him dangerous.

Shall I get you a revolver,
Madame Czerny?

I'm terribly sorry. It's difficult to
concentrate on cards... sometimes.

Naturally, when you're worrying about
the future of the ostrich plume.

I don't think
that's very funny.

I do.

Well, thanks.

I'm afraid
we're down 900, partner.

Is that all?

Well, it looks like
a landslide for us.

I don't know whether you should
be flattered or annoyed, madame.

Jacques usually plays
an excellent game.

Tennis or golf?

Madame, please.

Sorry. How is the musical
evening progressing?

Dull as ever?

On the contrary.

You always did have a
horrid weakness for Chopin.

Madame Czerny,
this is my husband.

How do you do?
How do you do?

This time, Chopin was seasoned
with a pinch of Ars�ne Lupin.

A mysterious intruder has
crept in among the guests

with the aid of
a bogus invitation.

I thought the big idea was to get
away from this party, not into it.

You're American,
aren't you?

Yes.
One club.

Hungarian descent?

Scotch, Irish
and Choctaw.

No bid.
Czerny, though, Czerny...

You know,
that's Hungarian.

Oh, that's not my name.
Three clubs.

Oh, isn't it?
No, except by marriage.

Oh,
then you're the wife of Baron Czerny.

Pass.

Of course, you know,
the last time I saw him in St. Moritz,

he talked about an American girl.
Where is he now?

Oh, back in Budapest.

He's not very well.
You know, the old trouble.

Too bad! Helene, you should see
Budapest. It's the most enchanting city.

Except, of course, for the subway.
Did they ever finish that?

The... The streets are
still a little torn up.

Really, Georges, we're trying to play bridge.
Give the poor Baroness a chance to recoup.

Oh, sorry, my darling.

How about pulling ourselves
together, partner?

Well, let's.

So far, we've played like strangers.
Shall we throw caution to the wind?

That's the spirit! Come on.
Hellity-larrup, neck or nothing.

You're wonderful.

You're magnificent.

You're talking
across the board.

What's your bid?

- Three no-trump.
- Double.

Hurray!

Redouble.
Pass.

- Pass.
- Pass.

Eve! Eve, stop.

What do you mean,
annoying my wife?

Well, you don't
have to push me.

Say, I...

Stop that, sir!

Twenty-three
and six and 14.

I make it 84.

That's right.

I'm sorry, Baroness. We had the spirit
even if we didn't have the cards.

Oh, how much?

We are down
4,200 francs.

Where's my bag?

I may not have
that much with me.

Pardon me. Is
this yours, Baroness?

Yes, thank you.

If I can be
of any service...

Oh, no, thanks.

You'll take my IOU,
won't you?

Why? I'm so foolish. I completely forgot
I went to the bank this afternoon.

How much
did you say?

4,200 for
each of us.

Good night, Your Highness.
Thanks for a pleasant evening.

Good night.
Good night, madame, thank you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Did you ever find that
Eve Peabody, Stephanie?

Finally. I had her thrown out.
She was a horrible old woman.

Roger found her
in the powder room.

Imagine. You know,
she claimed to be the Archduchess of Mendola.

Good night,
Stephanie, dear.

Good night,
darling.

Good night, dear.
Good night.

Good night.
Good night.

Good night.

Is your car here?

No. I had some trouble
with my chauffeur.

Then let me drop you.

We can take you,
Baroness. Can't we?

May I place at your disposition a
nice coupe with a leak in the roof?

Over which side?
Yours!

Please. Here's
my car. I insist.

All right.
Where do you live?

At my hotel.

And that is?

I'll give you
three guesses.

The Ritz?

Right the first time!
The Ritz.

Good night!

Good night.

An attractive girl,
isn't she?

Odd, her coming
here alone.

I notice she didn't
go home alone.

I'm sorry, my dear.
I forgot my gloves.

Will you pardon me
a moment?

Thank you so much.
Don't bother to see me inside.

It's terribly late.
Oh, no.

My mother taught me always
to see a lady to her door.

Good night.

Oh, no.

You can't get rid of
me as easily as that.

How do you know what dangers
may lurk in the hotel lobby?

I know exactly what dangers
lurk in hotel lobbies.

Come on.

I'm going to stay in
the lobby for a while.

I have something to do.

Telegram back home.
You see, my husband's sick. A night letter.

Well, write it out, Baroness.
I'll get your key.

Oh, no.
Look, don't you know when to go home?

No.

The key for
Baroness Czerny.

It may be in
the name of Smith.

My maid sometimes...

The Baroness Czerny,
room 217, 219.

Thank you.

Where is
the telegraph desk?

You go right...

Don't bother.
I'll write it upstairs.

Good night.

"To her door,"
my mother said.

The key, please.

I'll open it
for you.

What? No nightcap?

Listen,
my mother taught me a few things, too.

Good night.

Well, at least I don't have to
ask for your telephone number.

I'll be pestering you.

Oh, won't you
please go?

Not until
you go in.

Oh, don't be frightened.

They must have
given me the wrong key.

Why don't you speak?

Where's the light?

Oh, you so-and-so.

Is anybody here?

All right, fellows.
Now, I'll explain it once more.

Each of us puts in 5 francs, and the guy
that finds her gets the whole thing.

Say we get 1,000 of us.
That's a purse of 5,000 francs to the winner.

But how can you find one
woman in four million people?

Oh, that's easy. Once they organized
the taxis of Paris to save France.

Why can't we
organize them now...

To find Czerny's girl!

She's an American girl
named Eve Peabody.

All she's got is a gold dress.
She hasn't got a cent to her name.

So, she can't
get out of town.

Spread the word around.
Keep your eyes open.

Go to the Consulate, the Embassy.
Go to the hotels, the nightspots.

The theatrical agents.

Come on. Each of you fellows put in 5 francs.
Come on.

Come on, fellows. Put it in here.
5 francs. That's it. Come on.

Hello.

Who?

No.

Yeah, yes. Who?

What'd you say?

I said good morning,
Baroness.

Your luggage
has arrived.

From Monte Carlo?

What... That's
impossible. I mean...

You mean it's my luggage?

Well, there must
be some mistake.

It said for the Baroness Czerny, madame.
I had it sent up.

Oh, yeah. All right.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Come in.

Shall I open the blinds,
madame?

Yeah. Yes, please.

Here are the keys, madame.
Shall I open it?

You mean
before Christmas?

Pardon, madame?

Oh, don't mind me.

That looks like
a negligee on top, huh?

You wish?
Yes, if you don't mind.

Madame wishes
to put it on?

Oh, no, no.
Just put it over the bed, please.

Is there anything else,
madame?

Oh, I think that's
enough, don't you?

Oh, the tip...
Oh, no, no, no, no.

Your chauffeur took
care of that, madame.

My chauffeur?

He's waiting downstairs.

And he wishes to know if
madame wants the car today.

Oh, he does?

He says
it's a very nice day, madame.

He says,
"There is no wind."

He says,
"The sun is warm."

He says...

He wants to know
if I want the car today.

Tell him I wouldn't
be at all surprised.

Thank you, madame.
Thank you.

What's your name? Eve Peabody.
Where do you live? Nowhere at present.

How old are you?
None of your business.

Well, I seem
to be all right.

Then how about
some breakfast?

What?

Good morning,
Baroness Czerny.

Oh, that jacket's
a little large.

I've arranged to have
a fitter here at 2:00.

So it was you.

You made a pretty good
guess at my measurements.

You know, I've always
had a weakness for size 12.

Did you arrange
for this apartment?

While you were on your
way here with Jacques.

Neat, huh?

From the moment you looked at me,
I had an idea you had an idea.

You remember when I asked you if they were
still working on the Budapest subway?

Yes.

Well, the Budapest subway
was finished in 1893.

It is the oldest subway
in the world.

Monsieur, that
is playing dirty.

You also had a third-class ticket
from Monte Carlo in your handbag.

Nice work.

You see, I use my eyes when it comes
to something I want very badly.

Also your
bank account.

I guarantee we will never have
any arguments about money.

That's fine.

There's just one trouble.
I won't play.

Now...
Now, don't misunderstand me, Miss Peabody.

Listen, when Little Red Riding
Hood spots the long gray whiskers,

don't still insist
that you're Grandma.

But...
But suppose you hear my proposition out.

All right, go ahead.

What...

What was your impression
of Jacques Picot?

Jacques... He seems
all right. Why?

I'm afraid I can't
agree with you.

Of course, I may be
a little prejudiced.

You see,
my wife and he think they're in love.

Oh.

Well, that's cozy.

That, my dear,
is the devil.

Why don't you punch
him in the nose?

Alluring but impractical.
He was top man on the boxing team

of the University
of Brussels.

Well, where do I come in?
What you need is a lawyer.

I'll never get a divorce.
Never.

I still don't see
where I come in.

Last night for the first time,
I saw a ray of hope.

While he was laughing with you,
my wife was in torment.

When you drove away together,
she was fighting tears.

Who won?

Your job,
if you'll accept it,

is just beginning.

My wife...

My wife will
fight for him.

And you want me
to fight back?

I want to bring her
back to her senses.

I want you to take over his
attention before it's too late.

You can name
your own price.

You really love her,
don't you?

Of all the crazy plans.

Perhaps not so crazy
from your point of view.

Jacques' family makes
a very superior income

from a very
inferior champagne.

You could do much worse.

We're having a weekend party
at our place in Versailles.

Jacques will be there.
You arrive tomorrow in time for tea.

Now, wait a minute.
I haven't said yes.

Am I upsetting
some other plans?

I gathered that you
knew no one in Paris.

Did you?

Of course, if you
have some other offer...

I have.

A good one?

I'll take yours.

I'll tell my wife I ran
into you and asked you.

The name of your chauffeur
is Ferdinand.

That's a nice name.
Isn't it?

Ferdinand, Ferdinand

You'll like the
whole arrangement.

Now, for immediate expenses,
you can draw on my bank up to 50,000 francs.

Here's your breakfast.
Goodbye, my dear Baroness.

Till tomorrow afternoon.

For the Baroness Czerny.

Permit me?
Oh, yes. Go ahead.

"Hosannas to the high gods for
throwing us together. Jacques."

I rather resent that.

To my wife he only
said, "So glad we met."

Hmm.

Yes.

Yeah... No,
she's not Chinese!

Hey, is it too late
for me to join?

Come on, come on!

Put your 5 francs in here.
Chance of a lifetime.

8,000 francs in the pool.
Come on.

That's it.

Get me that one with the stuff
on it that looks like spinach.

You know that hideous thing
I made this morning.

Oh, yes,
I know. Pardon.

Surely.

Well, where in the world
did you get that hat?

It looks
positively moldy!

Well, I bought it
from you three days ago.

I don't care where you bought it.
It's out of style.

I decided this morning that all
hats should be off the face.

That's the one.

Oh, I'm looking for something for
the weekend. Weekend in the country.

I'll show you
some amusing models.

Yeah, not too
convulsing, please.

Pardon.

You don't call this
a hat, Simone?

Good heavens, no!

No one ever accused
me of selling hats.

But it looks
dreadful on me.

That doesn't make a bit of difference.
You'll take it. It's smart.

What do you think,
Jacques?

Why, never let a man tell you what to wear,
my dear.

The minute you do,
you've lost him.

Well, it's...
Oh, I think it's a dream on you.

You know,
it does something for your face.

It gives you a chin.

Hello, Baroness.

Hello. Thanks
for the flowers.

They were lovely.
Were they?

How thoughtful.

Well, I thought I owed the Baroness
something after our losses.

Here's something
for golf.

Oh, if you want it
for duck shooting,

we replace the golf
balls with eggs.

There won't be any duck shooting,
will there?

Where?
Oh, I forgot to thank you.

It was darling of you to ask me
to your place for the weekend.

My place?

Yes, I just ran
into your husband.

He invited me.

Georges seems to be inviting
everyone this weekend.

Well, if it's going to be a crowd,
I'm sure this will be all right.

Send it to the Ritz,
Baroness Czerny.

Why, the woman isn't human,
buying a hat without trying it on.

Oh, I haven't time.
I'm so busy shopping.

Where's the best place
for riding boots?

Oh, Iribes.
Just around the corner.

Left, right,
or the corner across the street?

I don't suppose
you could show me.

Well...
Do, Jacques, by all means.

I'd hate to have you get lost in Paris.
Thank you.

I'll send him back as good as new.
Come, Jacques. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Well, did you ever,
in all your life...

You poor thing. And
good men so scarce.

Who is that woman, anyway?

Why,
I thought she was a friend of yours.

I never saw her before last night.
Did you hear what she said about my chin?

Why, you've got plenty of chin.
Just keep it up.

Why, hello,
Stephanie.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, hello, Helene.

Oh, dear.
If ever a woman needed a new hat, it's I.

I'm being sued for 50,000 francs.
No!

By whom?

By the
Archduchess of Mendola.

You know that creature I
had thrown out last night,

and I thought it was
that Eve Peabody?

It really was
the Archduchess of Mendola.

No!
Yes.

Then the imposter
is still unaccounted for.

Yes, that's right.

Stephanie,
do you still have that pawn ticket?

Heard any news
about Czerny's girl?

They haven't
found her, yet.

I'm going to take a look
around the Arc de Triomphe.

Win.

Pierre! They think they saw
Czerny's girl on the Rue de Rivoli.

We're on our way.

Oh, what a day.

I could eat it
with a spoon.

Well,
I hoped there would be a thunderstorm.

The road blocked,
the bridges washed out

and Ferdinand killed
by a falling tree.

Then a little wayside inn with a
pheasant roasting over the fire.

Oh, no, I wouldn't have much appetite.
Not with Ferdinand dead in a puddle.

There'll be hundreds of
people at the Flammarion's.

We'll never see
each other alone.

Good.
What's good about it?

I'm a married woman.

Why didn't I
meet you first?

Oh, Jacques!
Come on now, be honest.

If you had,
you'd have run like a jack rabbit.

Well, my mother
always says...

Now, never mind
that mother of yours.

What's the idea of
bumping into my cab?

Are you implying that
we ran into you?

You heard me!

You'd better change your tone, my friend.
You're entirely in the wrong, as I can testify.

Well, I've got to report this
to the insurance people.

Why, this car belongs
to the Baroness Czerny.

Who?

This lady, Baroness Czerny,
Ritz Hotel.

Drive on, Ferdinand.

Yes, madame.

I am a rich man!

Let me through.
Here.

Where is the money?
I've found her.

One cognac.
What's that you say?

Let's wait
for the cognac.

Come on, you can
talk without a cognac.

It's for you, Czerny,
when you hear what I've got to say.

Come on!

She lives at the Ritz.

She's got a high-class car with a
chauffeur that drives like this.

And now would you like to
know what her name is?

Her name is
Eve Peabody.

Oh, no, it isn't.
Not now!

It's Czerny.
Czerny?

The Baroness Czerny.

Give me that cognac!

Good afternoon, Monsieur Picot.
Good afternoon, madame.

Good afternoon.

It's rather overpowering,
isn't it?

Oh, nonsense. You could put it in
the left wing of the Czerny Chateau.

Oh, Monsieur Picot,
I have very good news for you.

We found your cuff link.
You did?

It was in Madame
Flammarion's sitting room.

The wind probably
blew it in.

Well. Nice drive down?

We thought
you were lost.

Oh, it was so lovely we dawdled a little.
Dawdled?

Yes. We stopped at a little
lake and skipped pebbles.

Tomorrow,
you can roll hoops if you feel like It.

Where are you putting the
Baroness and Jacques, Helene?

Why, we have you in the east wing.
You get the morning sun there.

And you, of course,
have your usual room.

In the west wing, sir.

Let me take you up,
Baroness.

Thank you.

Oh, Jacques,
you have my comb.

So I have.

Thanks.

Nice little bungalow you've got here.
I wish I'd brought my roller skates.

Yes, it's 18th century,
my dear.

I bought it from the 15th
Duke of Navarre for a song.

A shining example
of trade over tradition.

How's it going?

All right.
In fact, a little better than all right.

That boy ought to have
his brakes relined.

I know his speed.

Yesterday he suggested that we cruise
the Mediterranean on his yacht,

and this morning he appeared with an
emerald as big as a trouser button.

I'll take it out
of your salary.

Don't worry,
I refused it.

Why? Get everything
you can out of this deal.

That's what I'm doing.

You know something? I have a crazy idea
he may ask me to divorce my husband.

And marry him?
You don't know Jacques Picot.

You don't know
Eve Peabody.

Now, listen, we had
the windows open.

When you ride with
the windows open,

your hair gets blown
and you have to comb it.

Besides, it's none of my business.
Why don't you say that?

All right, Helene.
Let's have a few serious words, shall we?

I don't think you have
six serious words in you.

Oh, yes.
I could make a very noble speech.

I could say that
we've played with fire.

That Georges is
a friend of mine,

that I don't want to
endanger a happy marriage.

Well, the truth is,

and I'm going to ask
you to face it squarely...

You're in love
with her.

I am.

What's the matter?

That's what I adore
about you.

You're behaving
like a schoolboy.

A woman walks into the
room and looks at you,

and you lose your head.

You dawdle,
and sit by the fire and throw pebbles.

You really are
a darling.

She's wonderful.

But you don't know anything about her.
None of us do.

I've asked all of my friends,
and nobody's ever heard of her.

Who is she?
Maybe her hair's dyed.

Maybe she's poisoned three husbands.
Maybe we'll find out things about her.

You're jealous, Helene.

Terribly. Fun, isn't it?

Milk or lemon?

Where do you
think you're going?

Inside, to talk
to the Baroness Czerny.

The Baroness Czerny's
not ordered a taxi!

She's out of town for the weekend.
Where?

We don't give out any information
regarding our guests.

Where?
Move along, my good man.

Stop it!
Stop at once!

Where is she?

Where is she?

The Chateau Flammarion
at Versailles.

That's all
I wanted to know.

That's la conga.

Oh, come on,
everybody do la conga!

Hello, Jean.
Good evening, Monsieur Renard.

You're rather late.
I know.

Have this luggage taken to my room,
will you?

Could there be some mistake, monsieur?
This doesn't seem to be your luggage.

Never mind. Have it taken up by the back way.
Immediately.

You understand?
Yes, monsieur.

Where's Madame Flammarion?

She is dancing, sir.
Monsieur Marcel Renard.

How's it going?

Superstitious?

Don't forget,
every Cinderella has her midnight.

Helene.

Helene.
What?

They're here.
What?

The luggage has arrived
from Monte Carlo.

I've just...
Excuse me.

Certainly.

I've just come
from the airport.

Where is it?
In my room. Come on.

Have you opened it yet?
Not yet.

I'm simply dying
of curiosity.

Isn't it enthralling?

The Secret of the Pink Pawn Ticket or
The Case of the Mysterious Baroness.

Oh, nothing
but clothes.

Well,
this is her size.

We need more proof than that.
Oh, Marcel, I could cry.

Wait a moment.
Look at that third girl from the left.

Why, it does
look like...

I think it is.

If we could
really be sure...

Well, that's her
figure, all right.

Poor Jacques!
Oh, my soul, this is heaven.

Baroness Czerny indeed!
Of all the impudence.

The consummate
impudence!

We'll take
this with us.

Now, Helene, don't let's hush this up,
and don't let's wait till tomorrow.

Go on, let's have
a lovely scandal!

All right, all right,
but don't interrupt.

I know you won't do it,
but let's just suppose.

Oh, sure,
I'll suppose.

Well, what if we ran down this
gravel path to the garage,

took the car and drove
it off just as we are?

No toothbrush?

I said don't interrupt.

The two of us roaring
down through the night.

Let's see what time it is.
It's 20 minutes of 12:00.

We could get there
just about dawn.

You know, if it's that little wayside inn,
let's save the gas.

Oh, no, no, no.
This is an old country place in the woods.

We'll clatter the great bell beside the door.
Hard.

You see,
the butler is deaf.

And upstairs, there's
a very little old lady.

I'll lead you into the room
and I'll say, "Mother..."

Oh, Mother's back again?

"Mother," I'll say, "here she is.
I've found her."

And the dawn will be
pale behind the oaks.

It won't be
as pale as Mother.

"Mother," I'll say,
"it's this one or no one."

Baroness Czerny, you...
You promised me a dance.

Did I?
A midnight dance.

Oh, but please,
it's not...

It's... It's midnight.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll be back. I hope.

What's up?
Hush.

The ground has just
opened under our feet.

Park it.

You take it.

Well...

And me all set to jump
for that tub of butter.

We've landed in something,
all right, but it's not butter.

Here they come.

I'll stand by you
as best I can.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have a word, please.

I want to tell you something which I
think will both interest and amuse you.

Under our roof tonight,
we have, as a guest,

a person claiming one of the oldest
names in the Almanach de Gotha.

I don't know how many of you are
familiar with the Hungarian aristocracy,

but let me assure you
that in all middle Europe

there is no family...

Baron Tibor Czerny.

Well!

Do you know him?

Yes.

Welcome to my house,
my dear Baron.

It's been a long time
since we've met.

Oh, yes,
years and years.

I just arrived in Paris,
and they told me at the hotel

my wife was here,

so I'm trespassing on your hospitality.
I couldn't wait to see her. Where is she?

Oh, here I am, Tibor.

What's the idea, Skipper?

I've been hungry
to see my little wife.

Excuse me.

That's enough.

Oh, Helene, I want you to meet an
old friend of mine. Baron Czerny.

Madame Flammarion.

It's a great pleasure to have you with us,
too. You have such a gay wife.

She's simply captivated
all my guests.

I trust you've been behaving yourself,
darling?

Divinely! Oh, of course,
you must meet Jacques Picot. Jacques?

I know you want to meet the
husband of the Baroness.

How do you do?
How do you do?

They've been inseparable.

I warn you,
we Hungarians are very jealous husbands.

Remember our honeymoon in Copenhagen,
darling? That Danish officer?

Oh, oh, Olaf.
Oh, I never even looked at him!

Poor fellow, he's dead now.
Heaven forgive me.

Oh, you're that kind of man!
How wonderful.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll see about putting you up.

We'll move you to a larger room
where you can both be comfortable.

If it's just
as convenient...

Oh, of course, of course.
Stay where you are.

We can put Czerny
on the third floor.

We prefer Madame Flammarion's plan,
don't we, darling?

Just as you say,
Tibor.

Present the Baron to the rest of our guests,
Georges.

Surely.

Well, Jacques?

Well, what?
I eat husbands.

Not this one.

She's in love
with him.

Are you quite sure
we were wrong?

Don't be an idiot! Georges knows him.
We nearly made fools of ourselves.

But what about
that resemblance?

Coincidence.

We've put you in here.

Oh, what
a delightful room.

It's the bridal suite
of the chateau.

Well, in a way, this is very like
a honeymoon, isn't it, darling?

In a way.

I feel as if I've been hit on
the head with an old shoe.

There's a burglar alarm there by the bed
in case of any nocturnal disturbance.

Oh, Georges,
we have no burglars!

The Czernys are tired,
we mustn't keep them up.

Good night.
Good night.

Two short rings will rouse the house.
Thanks.

Well?

Delightful people.
I'm so glad you ran into them.

What are you
doing here?

I flew from Budapest.

They told me at the Ritz my wife was here.
You don't seem very pleased.

Oh, come on now,
what do you want?

Oh! I'm getting sleepy,
darling. Aren't you?

Not in the least.

You know, your sudden disappearance
upset me quite a bit.

But now it's all right.

Stop it, Skipper.

Oh, they put my pajamas
on the wrong side of the bed.

Listen. One more button,
and I'll pull the emergency cord.

That must be
the alarm right there.

Oh, won't you please
get out of here?

Now, is that a nice way to talk
to the man whose name you bear?

All right, I took your name.
So what?

I'm so delighted.

It was the first name
that came into my mind.

For a very
special reason.

No, I might have
taken any other name.

I believe in Freud and the subconscious.
You chose the name you wanted. My name.

I suppose
you're Baron Czerny.

If you're speaking about that
diabetic idiot in Budapest,

I'm his eighth cousin
once removed,

which makes me more of a Baron
than you are a Baroness.

Then how come
you're driving a taxi?

I climbed up to it
by easy stages.

There's nothing like a little wife who's
interested in her husband's career.

Cut it out, Skipper.

Oh, Eve.

Please go away.

You can't run away from
what's started between us.

I know we're right
for each other.

I know it deep down
in my bones. Don't you?

That's why I didn't accept
that room of yours.

There were no strings on that.
I was driving all night.

I know it.
You said, "Clear out before I get back,"

but that's not the way
it would have worked out.

I'd have awakened in the morning in
that extra shirt of yours, and...

And then I'd have
waited to thank you.

And I'd have asked you
to marry me.

I probably would have.

Oh, don't you see? We'd have had a
few grand weeks and a lot of laughs.

I'd have darned your socks while
you bumped around in that old taxi,

scraping our
40 francs together.

And then
all of a sudden,

the walls of that one room would
have started crowding in on us.

Yeah, I know that one.

When you're poor,
love flies out the window.

Well, I saw it happen
to my father and mother.

So many worries, so many quarrels, they...
They just gave up.

They didn't even
hate each other.

I suppose love is safer
in a place like this.

Please, Skipper,
don't let's make a mess of our lives.

We're no good for each other,
believe me.

Oh, don't be a fool,
Eve.

No!

Get your things together,
we're starting back.

No! No, I won't go!

Oh, listen,
I've just had a swell break.

I got in with this crowd.
Things are beginning to work out.

There's a man... Well...
It's what I've been waiting for all my life.

Please! Please! We'll make some
excuse to those people downstairs

and you'll leave
in the morning.

Careful, this is
a rented suit!

Ready for some
breakfast, darling?

Yes, my dear child.

Good morning, Marcel.

Good morning, Helene.

Good morning,
Mr. Picot.

Good morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, now.

If your face was any longer,
you could skip rope with it.

Did you expect to
find me all smiles?

Well, I must admit it was very
pleasant when he was in Budapest.

But you always...

The way you spoke of him, I...
Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Everyone
sleep well?

Oh, I did.
Like a baby.

Is the Baron
coming down?

I think so.
I left him shaving.

What's your choice, Baroness,
kidneys, omelet, chicken livers?

I'll have them all in the order named.
I'm starving!

I can't make up
my mind what to eat.

Wasn't there some animal that
starved between two haystacks

because he
couldn't decide?

Yes, a jackass.

What was that
you said before?

Good morning again, dear.
Good morning, darling.

Good morning, Baron.
Good morning.

Good morning.
I'm so sorry, darling,

I couldn't wait for you.
I was too hungry.

I'm afraid you'll have
to hurry your breakfast.

I've just had bad news.

About what?

Now... Now, don't be alarmed, darling.
It's nothing serious, I hope.

Well, what is it?

It's about Francie.

Francie?

Yes.

Francie's our little daughter.

She's... She's
three years old.

You haven't told them
anything about Francie?

Oh, well, I... I...

I... I just had a wire from home,
and she's very ill.

Oh, is she?

Oh, how wretched!
What is it?

Measles.

Why, that's
nothing serious.

No. Why, sometimes that polka-dot
effect is very becoming.

And Francie's the healthiest
child in the world.

Yes, but the strongest
are often the hardest hit.

When did you
get the wire?

Just after you came
down to breakfast.

Could I see it,
please?

Yes, certainly.

Oh, your poor mother!
She must be frightened to death.

Where's the
nearest telephone?

In the main hall.

Why, what are you
going to do?

Telephone Budapest.

While I'm getting
the connection,

may I ask you to look up
the airplane schedule?

Trust me, my dear.

With a child dangerously ill,
the telephone will be disconnected!

Tibor, please don't
argue with me.

I forbid you
to telephone!

My dear Baron, the day is passed when
a man forbids his wife anything.

You keep out of this.
I will not.

Oh, please, my nerves.

What business
is it of yours?

I'm so very
fond of children.

Oh, you are!

Hello, operator.
I want long distance to Budapest.

The name is Czerny.

It's the only Czerny in the book.
It's very urgent. Please.

What are you doing that for?
It won't help a bit.

Oh, Tibor, it makes
things easier for me.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Could we go back until
the call comes through?

I'd like to finish my
breakfast. Marcel.

Well,
I thought it might distract the Baroness.

I remember when my poor
father fell off the yacht.

We were having Cr�pes Suzette at the time.
Well, it made all the difference!

I'm taking that call
when it comes through.

No! No, Tibor,
I couldn't trust you.

You know, if it's bad news,
he'll try to spare me.

Oh, darling, I know your nerves
are just as strained as mine.

Hello. Yes, Budapest.
Who is this speaking?

It's your mother.
Oh, yes, Mama. How's Francie?

Well, what did
the doctor say?

Oh, good!

The baby's temperature's gone down and
the spots have practically disappeared!

What did you say, Mother?

It isn't measles
at all.

No, dear,
it's just a plain case of alcohol poisoning.

The baby must have had
one highball too many.

She was out all night.
We picked her up in the gutter.

Oh, how cute of her.

Oh, she loves
it so. Yeah.

You mean
I can speak to her?

Hello, Francie darling!
Oh, it's Francie. Listen.

Hello.
Hello, Dada.

Is that you, Dada?

Yes, yes,
this is your Dada.

Send her a kiss
for me.

Dada, Dada, Dada...

Goodbye now, dear.
I'll see you soon.

Oh, isn't it
wonderful.

It was just a heat rash.
We don't have to leave at all.

You snake.
I'll show you.

Oh, poor little Daddykins.
Oh, was he so worried?

Aren't children terrifying?

Well, when I was a child,
I used to swallow things.

They didn't dare leave me alone
in the room with an armchair.

Well, now that
the crisis is passed,

shall we go back and
finish our breakfast?

Of course.

Hello, Dada.

I'll talk to you
later, Francie.

Georges,
where's the Baron?

I don't think
the Baron's hungry.

Oh, he'll be
all right. He...

Tibor!

Tibor!

I'm coming, darling.

No plover's eggs, you see.
Now, you promised me plover's eggs.

Oh, I'm sorry, Marcel.
I ordered them.

Maurice, what happened
to the plover's eggs?

They didn't arrive,
madam.

We tried to get in
touch with the market,

but the telephone has been out
of order ever since last night.

Nonsense.
We just telephoned from the main hall.

The house telephone
works, madam.

We were talking
to Budapest.

There must be some mistake,
madam.

I wasn't able to use the
telephone 10 minutes ago.

Really, Maurice,
that's impossible.

It's in perfect
working order.

The Baroness was just talking to Budapest,
and the connection was very good,

wasn't it,
Baroness?

I'm afraid he's right, Madame Flammarion.
I wasn't really talking to Budapest.

You weren't?

But we all heard you.

Of course you talked
to Budapest.

No, I didn't. And I'm going to tell
you something even more surprising.

Tibor and I haven't
any daughter.

Well, what is all this,
in heaven's name?

Are you feeling
quite well, my dear?

Oh, perfectly.

I shouldn't trouble you
with my unhappy marriage.

I... Forget
what I said.

Oh, do tell us, please!
Go on, please!

It seems so disloyal
to poor Tibor.

Well,
you can't stop now!

No. If you do,
it'll kill Marcel.

All right.

When I married,
I didn't realize that,

in the Czerny family,
there was a streak of...

Shall we
say eccentricity?

And yet
I had warning.

Why else should his grandfather have sent me,
as an engagement present,

one roller skate covered with
Thousand Island dressing?

What?

Of course, of course.
I'd forgotten.

The Czernys, they're all like that. You know,
I met an old aunt. The Countess Antonia.

I thought
she was an Indian.

Turned out she used paprika
instead of face powder.

But your husband
seems quite normal.

Oh, he is, for long stretches,
and then comes one of his attacks.

This morning was typical.
Waking up and imagining we had a daughter.

And a daughter
with measles, too.

One mustn't contradict him,
of course.

Does he get
violent if you do?

Oh, yes. He breaks things
and eats them sometimes.

Well, I used
to do that.

And you have put up
with this for years?

I came to Paris this time to get away,
but he followed me.

Once before I tried.

I was hiding in Capri.
He made a violent entrance into the hotel,

disguised as a fisherman,
and tried to have me shot as a spy.

At least
he has imagination.

But there are moments
when he's so sweet.

One can't help
loving him.

You're wonderful!
Isn't she?

Amazing!

A taxi. What's
a taxi doing here?

Oh, the driver must
have made a mistake.

You don't suppose...
Oh, no, it can't be.

We're all with you.

Let's call a doctor.
Oh, no, no, no.

That would be
the worst thing.

Well, what do you
say to this?

Why, Baron!

Do I look
like a Baron?

Tibor. Now, Tibor.

Come on,
tell them who I am.

He's not a Baron,
he's a taxi driver.

Well, isn't
that interesting.

Nothing keeps one out in the air so much,
does it?

Except, perhaps,
being a fisherman.

How long have you
been driving a taxi?

Four years,
the Gare de Lyon district.

If one of your limousines breaks down,
you might call on me sometime.

Tibor!
I imagine this is the first time

your chateau has entertained
a member of the working class.

Well, times have changed,
haven't they?

Now, what would you
like for breakfast?

Nothing.

I have a few more things to tell you,
then you can throw us out of here.

Tibor, look at me.
Look straight into my eyes.

Let me hold
your hand.

It's too late now!

We'll make a clean breast of things,
whether you like it or not!

Let go of that woman's hands.
You notice I didn't say, "My wife's,"

because she's
not my wife.

Oh, Tibor.

Well, are you?

No, Tibor.

She's a spy.
A what?

She's an American gold digger I picked
up in Paris less than a week ago.

Right?
Yes, Tibor.

Without a sou
to her name!

No, Tibor.

But there was something
about her nose,

and the way the raindrops trickled
down it from that newspaper.

Newspaper?
Yeah, she was wearing one instead of a hat.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

She twisted me around her
finger in two minutes.

I was crazy about her.

She made me think she felt
the same way about me

until she remembered
she had other fish to fry.

Fish like you. Goldfish!

Oh, please,
Baron Czerny!

I'm not a Baron!

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Please have a little bite of breakfast now.

Yes.

You'd better. We're all going to
ride cross-country this afternoon.

What's the matter
with all of you?

Why, nothing at all.

You all act as though
nothing had happened.

Well, Tibor, what
has happened?

What's happened?

Didn't you hear what I said?
I wasn't fooling!

We're a pair of impostors!
You don't want us around here!

They're terribly
broad-minded people, Tibor.

What are you smirking about?
Now, stop it.

Don't talk like that
to your wife.

She's not my wife!

Haven't you heard what I said?
Are you all deaf, or are you crazy?

You're the one who's crazy, Czerny.
We know all about it.

Oh, so that's it.
Oh, my china.

He'll eat it!

No, no,
don't hurt him!

Don't hurt him!
Oh, no!

That's enough,
that's enough.

Oh, Tibor!

Come, my dear.

But, Jacques,
he's her husband.

Not from now on.
I'm taking care of that.

She's going to marry me.
Aren't you, darling?

He's cut!
He's bleeding! Look!

No, no,
that's just the gravy from the kidneys.

How is he? Fine.
Pulse like a trip-hammer.

Here, I'll do that.
No, no, no, I'll do it. Here.

Skipper.
You know, you better

leave the skipper to me.

I'll see he gets back
to Paris all right.

I'll give him
a few thousand francs.

He deserves it.
His performance was extremely helpful.

Are you and Jacques
planning an autumn wedding?

Nice kind of marriage.

As we turn from the altar,
I start explaining, I suppose.

My dear, you know it's amazing how little
one has to explain to a man in love.

And when he stops
being in love?

Well, that's when
the alimony'll begin!

Now, don't be
soft-hearted.

Remember, every time
somebody orders champagne,

Jacques' income bubbles!

Yeah. Listen,
you've always heard it's hard to be honest.

Let me tell you,
it's a cinch.

What's tough is to be a good,
competent crook.

Leave me alone
with him.

All right.
I'll be outside if you need me.

Are you feeling better?

It's all right.
It's me. It's Eve.

Where are we? In the chateau.
You got hit on the head.

Oh, yeah. You told
them I was crazy.

You'll feel better
on the way home.

Home? It'll take two men
pushing and two men pulling

to get me
away from here.

Oh, but I'm
going with you.

Going where?

Back to Paris.

Isn't that what you came here for?
To take me away?

What's the catch?

Oh, now,
you can't back out now.

You told me I could stay
in that apartment of yours.

Well, I'm moving in.

What's come over you?

I tried to be practical, but it's no use.
I just can't be.

Come on, get up.

How's your head?

It's bursting,
thank you.

Oh, you poor darling.

What are you being
so sweet about?

Well, it's all my fault.

Oh, it didn't work, huh?
What?

Your... Your little
stunt downstairs.

Come on, Skipper.
Now, are you coming?

No! It's too bad you didn't land
that fathead Jacques Picot.

He's not a fathead.

Why, because he
found you out?

I can tell when a Baroness
has had a swift kick!

Listen, you big idiot.
Jacques Picot just proposed to me.

Are you surprised somebody
else wants to marry me?

You said no,
I suppose.

I said nothing,
but if you keep on, I'll say yes.

That's fine!
That's where I step in.

What can you do?
Don't forget, you're married to me!

I'm not married to you.
Jacques Picot thinks you are.

You're in a fine mess.

You've got to get a divorce from
a man you aren't even married to.

All right,
I'll get a divorce!

Just try it!

Watch me.

Well, is it settled?

Except for
a small formality.

Where are you going?

My address is
143 Rue Martel.

You can serve me
with the papers there!

What happened?

Nothing at all.

All we need now
is a good lawyer.

So thereupon you filed
an action for divorce.

You didn't like the color of
your wife's hair, I suppose.

Your husband forgot to put the top
on the toothpaste tube, perhaps.

Well,
that's not what the courts of France are for!

We don't regard marriage
as a vaudeville

that you leave when you
cease to be amused.

This isn't the United States of America,
nor is it the city of Nero, Nebraska.

It's France!

You've let a little matter
of personal antipathy

interfere with your duty
to your country.

Go home. Case dismissed!

I'm sorry we're before this judge.
He's a little heavy-handed.

If he ever finds out,
I'll be disbarred.

How are your jails
in France?

Don't worry.

What if Czerny decides
not to play ball?

I came up in the elevator with him.
He was very friendly.

Especially when I suggested a financial
arrangement if the divorce goes through.

You shouldn't
have done that.

He's not the kind
of man you can buy.

The next case on the calendar.
Action for divorce, Czerny against Czerny.

Everything will be
all right, darling.

I hope so.
I know it will.

In half an hour you'll be free,
and in a week we'll be married.

You're holding up
the proceedings.

Let me see. In this action,
Madame Czerny is represented by...

Ma�tre Lebon.

And the defendant
Baron Czerny?

This is a Republic.
I prefer to be known as Mr. Czerny.

Good.
Who's your lawyer?

I shall look out
for my own interests.

Among your papers, I don't seem
to find the marriage certificate.

There is none.
But if the court wishes,

we will put on the stand a witness
from the Chinese Consulate

to prove that the hall
of records in Shanghai

was bombed and
destroyed in April, 1937.

Married in Shanghai,
were you?

I admit the marriage.

Well, you'd hardly be
asking me to divorce you

if you'd never been
married, would you?

Your grounds for
asking this divorce are?

Mental cruelty.

Oh, that again.

Suppose you describe
this mental cruelty?

May it please the court,
my client can testify under oath

that, in all the time she and the
defendant have been together,

he has objected to
every one of her actions.

During that period, he tried to break
up every friendship she formed.

He had frequent violent
attacks of jealousy.

He used abusive language
when alone with the plaintiff,

and in the presence
of others.

What language?

He... He called her
a gold digger for one thing.

Oh, I've had enough!

This is a familiar
picture to me,

and I find it deplorable that
in a time of vast world unrest,

two grown-up people
are unable to iron out

their own childish, finnicking,
imponderable squabbles.

There's a very healthy law
in Albania, I think it is,

that a husband may bring his wife
back to her senses by spanking her,

not more than nine blows,

with any instrument
not larger than a broomstick.

What do you say to that?
You mean...

I say
it's a fine rule.

A husband should have that privilege,
and no wife would resent it

if she knew
he loved her.

Did he ever say,
"I love you"?

Not once.

Not when I was ready
to give up everything

and scrub floors for him
if that was necessary.

Oh, I was wrong in the beginning,
I admit that.

Then I came to think he was
the only thing that mattered.

I didn't care what he had or who he was,
a Baron or a gutter sweep.

Is that so incredible?

Wouldn't you believe
a woman if she said it?

If she stood like a
beggar with a tin cup,

waiting for you to drop
in three little words,

"I believe you," or "I love you,"
or anything warm and human.

Do you know
what he said?

He said, "Is that so?"
and he said it with a smirking, cynical grin.

Do you know
what I call that?

Mental cruelty!

Thank you,
Your Honor.

As a judge who has been sitting
on this bench for 35 years,

I want to say that is as sincere
a plea as I have ever heard.

My eyesight isn't
what it once was,

but I can still see it's made
by a very beautiful woman.

She is still your wife.

Before the law grants her,
her freedom,

you have the right
to answer her accusations.

No answer.

In other words, you're not
contesting this divorce?

I am not.

You mean you're letting a woman like
that slip through your fingers?

Don't you want
to say something?

I just want
some water.

I'm not a waiter,
young man.

As for this divorce,
before judgment is pronounced,

there's a formality provided
by French law.

Will the husband and wife retire
to the reconciliation room?

The law compels them to spend
15 minutes alone together.

A last chance to talk things over
and reconcile their differences.

That door over there.

It's a waste of time.

It's a confounded nuisance,
but it's the law.

Do you think she's safe
with him alone in there?

We'll hear her
if she screams.

This means the end of
Jacques as an extra man.

Do you mind
very much, Helene?

Surprisingly little.

Well, 15 minutes to kill.

Better sit down.
I'll stand, thank you.

You're not cross,
are you, Baroness?

You're the one that wants this divorce,
you know?

So, you took money, huh?

I thought money didn't matter to you.
No, of course it didn't. In small sums!

You and your principles.

I thought you were going to fight.
You practically threw me at his head.

Well, you picked his head.

You had to pick
a fat one, too,

otherwise your nasty
little trick wouldn't work.

Well, maybe
it was a dirty trick,

but I'll make it up to
him when I'm his wife.

Say, have you
a mirror?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Shaving.

Here?

Well, why not?

Are you crazy?

That's what you
said, didn't you?

I left the water
outside. Pardon me.

Oh, Tibor, stop it.

I forgot the water.
I'm sorry.

Wonderful stuff.
It works just as well with cold water.

Young man,
are you insane?

Oh,
I get very cross when people say that to me.

I'll see you later,
Your Honor.

Essential information has been
withheld from this court!

I want witnesses as to the mental
condition of the defendant!

You! You! You are his friends!
You knew this?

If it please the court,
it's not a violent case.

It is just that he thinks he's a taxi
driver or a fisherman now and then.

The judge wants
to see you at once.

Here it is.
Come on.

Quiet, everybody.

Young woman,
you almost succeeded in wheedling this court

into what would have been a
serious miscarriage of justice.

According to the wise
provisions of the French law,

no divorce can be granted where
either party is mentally unstable.

Go home with your unfortunate husband,
young woman,

and get it out of your head that you
can ever get rid of this man. Ever!

Divorce refused.
Case dismissed.

Don't worry, darling.

We'll get you a divorce in
Mexico or in Russia. Anywhere.

No, Jacques. Of course we can.
It's simple.

Jacques, you've had
a stroke of luck.

What do you mean?

You mustn't ever get married.
It would be unfair to so many women.

You're turning me down.

No. I'm setting
you free.

Taxi?

Step right in,
just around the corner.

What?
The License Bureau.

Oh, listen, Skipper,
you'd better think it over.

I have thought it over.

I won't promise to
manage on 40 francs a day.

Who said 40? With you around,
I'll make as much as we want.

Anything is possible.
Don't argue.

Where are you
two going?

To get married.
Oh.

What?