All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S02E20.Drug.Testing.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

(Dwight)
Kevin Malone, you're next.

Spit that out.

Spit--okay, come on.
Let's go.

You look cute today, Dwight.

Thanks, girl.

I always wear my uniform.

Most days,
I'm wearing my

assistant regional manager's
uniform.

Today, I'm wearing my volunteer
sheriff's deputy uniform.

Big whoop.

So, yesterday,
Dwight found half a joint

in the parking lot.

Which is unfortunate,
because, as it turns out,

Dwight finding drugs
is more dangerous

than most people
using drugs.

Let's go over
some of the symptoms

of marijuana use, shall we?

You tell me
who this sounds like.

Slow moving.

Inattentive.

Dull.

Constantly snacking.

Shows a lack of motivation.

Hey.

I like the people
I work with generally.

With four exceptions.

But someone
committed a crime.

And I did not become
a Lackawanna County

volunteer sheriff's deputy
to make friends.

And by the way,
I haven't.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I enjoy the tangy zip
of Miracle Whip.

[Pam laughing]

Jim does
the best impressions.

Sometimes he'll look up at me
from his desk

and he'll just
be someone else.

Like, he'll go, um...

[laughs softly]

That was supposed
to be Phyllis.

I can't do it
as good as he can.

[grunts]

Nice.

Kevin.
Yeah.

Do someone else.

Um...

Angela.
Whoa.

The eyebrow. Yeah.

Oh, sure, I can definitely
help you with that.

Okay, please hold.

(Dwight)
Kelly Kapoor.

Say your prayers.

Let's go.

Conference room. Pronto.

Come on, step it up.

And the guys are saying,
"Chug, chug, chug."

But I'm so small,
and all I'd eaten that day

was one of those
Auntie Anne pretzels

from the food court.

So I said, "Is it okay
if I sip it?"

And they said no.

But Ryan seemed cool
either way.

Stop!

This is not Kelly Kapoor
story hour.

Illegal drugs were consumed
on company property, okay?

Your ass is on the line,
Mister!

My ass is on the line.

Now, I'm gonna ask you again.

What time did you
go home last night?

6:00.

I didn't know that you were
at a party Saturday night.

I go to a lot
of parties.

Okay, I'm gonna need
to search your car.

Give me your keys.

I am not giving you
my keys.

Don't make me
do this the hard way.

What's the hard way?

I go down
to the police station

on my lunch break.

I tell a police officer...

I know several.

What I suspect
you may have in your car.

He requests a hearing
from a judge

and obtains
a search warrant.

Once he has said warrant,

he will drive over here
and make you give him

the keys to your car.

And you will
have to obey him.

Yeah, let's do it
that way.

Ryan, is he bugging you?

Dwight, dude,

you gotta take
a chill pill, man.

It was one joint
in the parking lot, you know?

You're totally harshing
the office mellow.

I can't stop
this investigation.

It is my job.

Whoa, you are
a volunteer.

I volunteered
for this job.

And that's not the same.

It is my duty...
Volunteer duty.

to investigate
the crime scene.

I have six more
interviews to go.

And then I will reveal
what I know.

[cough]
Narc!

[chuckles]

If you are attempting
to compliment me,

you have done
a very good job.

I wasn't attempting
to compliment you.

Well, you have.

Because being a narc is one
of the hardest jobs

that you can have. Okay.

And I am very proud
of being a narc.

Why don't you just cool it?

Cool it, Dwight, please?

God.

Dude, where's my office?

I totally lost it!

'Cause I was half-baked!

Smoking doobies!
Doobie Brothers.

I was smoking doobies
with my brothers.

Peace out!
Seacrest.

Well, your office
is behind you.

Thanks.

Munchies.

Who wants some munchies?

I just have this feeling
that everything Michael knows

about drugs
he learned from watching

Harold & Kumar
Go to White Castle.

I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.

I don't know if anyone's
ever offered him any.

Michael's behavior is erratic
and unpredictable,

but I don't think
he's doing drugs.

Maybe should.
Take the edge off.

Uh, not at work, of course.

(Dwight)
Oscar visited Mexico when he was five

to attend his
great-grandmother's funeral.

What does that mean
to a United States

law enforcement officer?

He's a potential drug mule.

Have you ever taken any
illegal drugs?

No, I have not.

Do you think it's possible
that maybe

you could have had
some drugs in your system

without you
knowing about it?

What are you implying?

Have you ever...

pooped a balloon?

Okay, I'm done with this.

He sure left
in a hurry.

I don't wanna blow this.

This is what all
good law enforcement officers

dream of.

The chance to solve
an actual crime.

Got a lot of work
in front of me.

I've got a lot of clues
to gather.

Oh, I have all the tools
at my beck and call.

Anything I need
is there for me.

Whether it be measuring tape, pylons,

anything I need, I have.

There's a lot of obstacles,

just like there are in any
law enforcement investigation,

but your typical episode
of CSI and Law & Order

doesn't always go smoothly.

But you know what?

Like a tiger,
I'm ready to pounce.

I might be coiled,
but at any moment,

I can spring on my adversary.

Do you know
what this is?

Yes, it's marijuana.

How do you know that?

It's labeled.

Dammit.

He asked if you've acting
withdrawn lately.

And what did you say?

I said no.

Mm.

You're welcome.

Your turn, Stanley.

Angela, you're up.

I know you're innocent,

but it can't look like I'm
treating you any differently.

I understand.

Where were you yesterday
after work?

[chuckling]

That is Northern Lights
Cannabis Indica.

[sighs]
No.

It's marijuana.

I'm not only hoping to find
the culprit

who committed
this heinous crime.

I am praying to find
this heinous culprit.

And I will pray to Thor himself
if that's what it takes.

[laughs]

(Dwight)
People use marijuana to escape.

Jim does not have a girlfriend.

His sales are nothing
to brag about.

And he does not belong
to any organized clubs.

If that were my life,
I'd do drugs.

I'm just saying
that you can't be sure

that it wasn't you.

That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.

Marijuana
is a memory loss drug.

So maybe you just
don't remember.

I would remember.

Well, how could you

of it just
erased your memory?

That's not how it works.

Now, how do you know
how it works?

Knock it off, okay?
I am interviewing you.

No, you said that
I'd be conducting the interview

when I walked in here.

Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke?

Last night.

Let's see.

Go ahead.
Don't lie.

I won't.

It's just that last night,

it's really hard
for me to remember,

'cause I was just
a teensy bit high.

Should I have not said that?

No, no, no.

It's okay.
Go ahead.

I know that
I shouldn't have done it.

But I was in the parking lot
at the Quick & Easy.

Oh.

And I took a bong hit
from my bong water

with my pimp.

[groans]

So, Pam told me you do
a great Stanley impression.

I'd love to hear it.

Oh, um...

[soft laughter]

Why do you keep CC'ing me
on things

that have nothing
to do with me?

[laughter]

Oh.

Is that supposed to be me?

Oh, hey, Stanley.

I was just doing
an impression.

I do not think
that is funny.

He does everyone
in the office.

Hmm.

(both)
I do not think that is funny.

Jinx.
Buy me a Coke.

No, no, no!
No talking.

Jim is not allowed to talk

until after
he buys me a Coke.

Those are the rules
of jinx.

And they are
unflinchingly rigid.

Sold out!

That has never happened
in the history of jinx!

Sorry, that's not
my problem.

Pam said you had something
important to tell me.

Is it bad?

Am I getting fired?

Why aren't you telling me?

It must be bad.

They're taking away my kid.
I knew it.

They're not
taking away my kid.

Oh.

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Who's he calling?
Rattin' somebody out.

Narc.
Narc!

Kevin.

That is so good, Michael.

Remember the narc bit?

[laughing]

I will let them know.

Uh-oh.
Who's in trouble?

Attention, everyone!

Drug testers are coming
in a couple hours

to test everyone's urine.

Wha...
What?

What are you talking about?
Company policy.

If drugs are found
on the premises,

there is automatic
drug testing

conducted within 24 hours.

Is that true, Toby?

Uh, when you sign
your job application

you agree to comply
with random drug testing.

Two nights ago I went
to an Alicia Keys concert

at the Montage Mountain
Performing Arts Center.

I scored these
great aisle seats.

Anyway,
after the opening act,

this beautiful girl
sits down next to me.

And I never get to meet girls
with lip rings.

And she had one.

I don't know exactly
how this happened,

but one of her friends

started passing around
some stuff.

And they said that it
was clove cigarettes.

And I'm sure that
it was clove cigarettes.

Everybody in the aisle
was doing it.

Okay, attention, everyone.

The drug testing
has been cancelled.

Instead, I will be
going around

to each of you and doing
a visual inspection.

No, you can't do that.

I can do that.

It is my office.

(Dwight)
No, you cannot.

It has to be official.

And it has to be urine.

Fine.

Uh... all right. Okay.

Kevin, what prescription drugs
are you taking

besides Rogaine?

I'm not taking Rogaine.

Angela, what about you?

I don't take
any prescription drugs.

You're not... on anything?

Good.
[sighs]

So, the first time
we went out to dinner,

it was like,
whatever, fine.

But I was so nervous.

So this time,
I want it to be special.

So I bought a new dress!

One of those kinds
that's kind of low cut

at the top
to show some things

but not everything.

I mean, not everything, Jim.
I promise.

Hey, you guys.
What's going on?

Oh, we're just having
the best conversation.

Oh, okay--well,
Michael wants to see everyone

in the conference room.

But you know what?
We have a few minutes.

So you guys should definitely
finish up your conversation.

Cool, thanks.

So I was looking so hot...

I mean, I even impressed myself.

And I could tell that Ryan
thought I looked hot too,

because there was something
different about him, you know?

'Cause usually he's, like,
a little bit shy.

But this time, it was just,
like, a new guy, you know?

And I could just tell that
if I kept dressing like that

and I just continued to do that
for a little while,

like, he would be
totally into me.

And I wouldn't even have to
work that hard anymore.

But it's so hard
with you guys.

I mean, you would know better
than me, probably.

Wouldn't you, Jim?

I would like
for all cell phones

and pagers to be shut off
right now, please.

What's going on?

It has come
to my attention

that some people here
think that the use of drugs

is something
to laugh about.

We don't feel that way.

No, not at all.

You were the one
joking around

calling Dwight a narc.

No.
Uh, no.

That was a test.
I was testing you.

And you all failed.

Miserably.

When I said
that Dwight was a narc,

how did you react?

Some of you laughed.

Kevin, you really laughed. Hard.

Yeah, you were
really funny.

Well, it wasn't meant
to be funny.

It was meant to be a lesson.

How many of you
defended him?

How many of you said,
"Hey, you know what?

"He's right.

"What he's doing
is protecting this office

from the evils of drugs"?

Thank you, Michael.

I am ridiculously
anti-drug.

I am so anti-drug that I am
above suspicion

in any way
that involves suspicion...

or testing of any kind.

Drugs ruin lives, people.

Drugs destroy careers.

Take Cheech and Chong.

Everybody knows that
Cheech and Chong are funny.

But just imagine
how funny they would be

if they didn't smoke pot.

Oh, me?
Just one of the gang.

Sitting in the back, doodling,
not paying attention.

Bam, pow, surprise, gotcha!

There's a volunteer sheriff's
deputy in your midst,

and he is taking names.

Drugs are everywhere
in our society.

They are omniscient.

The amount of pot
that was smoked

in the United States this year
could reach the moon.

How?

Exactly, I know.
It's amazing.

No, how could it
reach the moon?

Like, would you make it
into a rope or...

I have some hemp rope in my
house--they're really strong.

All right, shut it.
No, just focus on the facts.

The scary thing is it could've
been any one of these people.

They all had a motive
to get high.

I want everybody
to take a look to their left.

Now I want everybody
to take a look to their right.

One of those people
will be dead

from drug use at some point
in their lives.

This year, more people

will use cocaine
than will read a book

to their children.

That doesn't sound right.

(Michael)
I know.

Yeah, where did you
get these facts?

Are these facts
scaring you?

Or are they not?

They are not.

Do you think
that smoking drugs is cool?

Do you think
that doing alcohol is cool?

No, I don't.

I have a glass of red wine
with dinner

about once a week
for the antioxidants.

Okay, enough, enough,
enough!

One thing that
you need to remember

is that there's no way
of knowing who's a user,

who's an abuser,
because we don't know.

It could be anybody.

Your instinct is to say it's
somebody like Stanley or Oscar.

Excuse me?

No, no, your instinct.

That your gut reaction
is to say that,

but I don't.

That's--those are instincts

that have been created
by media and hype.

Mm-hmm.

And they are wrong.

What I am saying

is that you just do not know

who drug users are.

It may be the person
you least suspect.

It may be somebody hot
like Pam.

Or it could be somebody
matronly like Phyllis,

but just not me.

It's not me either.

No, okay, fine.

(woman on speaker phone)
Michael, I'm gonna get going.

I really don't think I need
to be in this meeting.

Okay, well, I really think that...

[dial tone ringing]

Has she been on the phone
the whole time?

Yeah,
sorry you had to hear that.

That was a lovers' quarrel.

Makeup sex. Nice.

(Kevin)
Nice.

Okay, let's get personal
for a second, shall we?

I have written down a list
of illegal drugs.

Take a gander.

How many of these
are you familiar with?

Hookah is not
an illegal drug, Michael.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

It's a type of pipe.

You can fill it with tobacco,
often mixed with fruit, or...

Okay, you know what, Toby?

Pam, could you
take this down?

In addition to Toby's urine
being tested,

I would like to test
his blood and his hair.

You can't do that.

I can test anyone randomly.

And I have chosen you randomly.

That's not random.

Okay, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Is random.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna need
a volunteer

to select one of these words.

And tell us of something...
tragic that happened

in either their lives
or the lives of a loved one.

Yeah, Pam.

I know that Jim
has an amazing story

about a relative of his
who got caught up

in the world of drugs.

(Michael)
Really?

(Pam)
Mm-hmm.

Jim, it's okay.
You can...

This would be a good place
to let it out, Jim.

These are people
you can trust.

These are people
who care about you.

It's okay.

Just--we will
not judge you.

We are here
to not judge you.

Oh, he's doing it. Okay.

[whispering]
It's okay.

Oh.

Okay, are you sure?

That looked like
it was gonna be good.

All right.
Okay, well...

Wow!

He really pulled out
the big guns.

Fake crying.

Did not expect that.

The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,

is that I hate drugs.

I hate them.

And based upon
what I have seen,

you all don't quite hate 'em
as much as I do.

So you are going
to have a drug test.

And I am not.

No, you will be tested.

Yes, I--no, will not be.

No, you will be.

That is the law
according to the rules.

Okay.
Well, Dwight, just know...

that I've been
very busy today.

And I've got a lot
of work to do.

And I wasn't planning
on going to the bathroom.

And I don't even know
if anything's

gonna come out, okay?

So here are some flyers
to peruse at your leisure,

in case any of you are tempted.

Just drink a lot of water. Well...

You have to relax the muscles
around the bladder.

I don't--let's stop talking
about it, okay?

You know, sometimes I wish
we just didn't have

a conference room so, you know,
he couldn't do that.

But then we wouldn't
have any meetings.

Yeah.

Okay.
Bye, Toby.

Bye.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Hello?

Yes, I am so, so sorry.

Yeah, actually I don't have
that information just yet.

Uh-huh.

Listen, do you mind if I
put you on a brief hold?

Okay.

Drugs: let's not,
and say we did.

I think Michael was high
when he wrote this.

Hi, Linda.

Dwight Schrute.
assistant regional manager.

You might remember
testing my urine

a few years back
when I was applying

to be a volunteer
sheriff's deputy.

We test a lot of urine.

Mine was green.

Oh, right.

How are you?

I'm all better.

So I need you
to do some work

on the St. Andrew's account.

I need your urine.

I need some filing done.

What kind of filing?

That--just forget it.
Just the urine.

That goes directly
to the tester.

Just...

I need your urine.

Like, in a cup?

Yes, in a cup.
We're not animals, Dwight.

For what purpose?

It's none of
your business.

Then I refuse.

Okay, all right. Just...

I went to
an Alicia Keys concert.

Over the weekend.

And I think I may have
gotten high accidentally

by a girl
with a lip ring.

Are you serious?

I need clean urine
for the lady.

[sighs deeply]

But that's illegal.

Don't think of it
that way.

It's like...

Urine goes all over the place,
you know?

There's no controlling it.

It just...
Not my urine.

A cup could find its way
under the urine.

It might be an accident.

Were you forced to do drugs
at this concert?

Is something wrong?

Look, just...

Just fill up the cup.

Dwight...

I'd do it for you.

Really?

Maybe I'd like to think
that I would.

Just tell me
when it's full.

Just come on.

I look forward to drug testing.

I used to get a runner's high,

which is why now I swim.

Do you want to
give Michael your urine?

I want him to have
all the urine he needs.

You're not gonna get
my permission on this.

I know that.

Don't you think
I know that?

Yeah, we do testing
all over the country.

Cool.

Hey, are you guys hiring?

You wanna work
at the urinalysis lab?

Yeah, maybe.

Why would I be worried?
I'm not a drug user.

I would never abuse my body
like that.

I mean, I have plenty
of other ways to have fun.

My body is 100% drug-free.

[phone rings]

Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.

Um, hold please.

There's a Brenda
on the phone for you.

Just one second.
I'll transfer.

[phone ringing]

[moaning]

I don't know, I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know.

What?

[scoffs]

You're lucky you don't have
problems like these.

You need to believe
in something

to have problems
like these.

Okay, I'll tell you.
I have two options.

One, do what I know
is right.

Two, stay loyal

to a deeply flawed
yet admirable human being.

Got to be a third option.

[sighs]

Maybe he knows something
that I don't,

and I'll find out in the end
that it was all aboveboard.

And this will have actually
saved my life.

[grunts]
I know, you're right.

[groaning]

My father's name
was Dwight Schrute.

My grandfather's name
was Dwight Schrute.

His father's name?
Dwide Schrude.

Amish.

I loved my father very much.

Every morning
he'd wake up at dawn

and make us biscuits
with gravy.

When I was little,
my dad and I

played a lot of games together.

My dad cheated a lot,

but I never busted him
on it.

I would have, except I didn't
know about it.

He didn't tell me
till years later,

and I was shocked
when I found out.

What?

Did you wanna
tell me something?

You look like
you wanna tell me something.

You look like you have
something really important

to say and you just can't
for some reason.

Come on, you can tell me.

Jim, you can tell me anything.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey.
Hey, Jerry.

Sheriff Pierce.

I'm turning in my badge.

Where did you get that?

I got it here.

No, no, you didn't.
We didn't give you this.

No, I mean
at the gift shop.

Also, I can't
wear this anymore.

You were never
supposed to wear this

in the first place, Dwight.

Come on, now, seriously.

You got me concerned here
a little bit.

Oh, don't worry,
I never abused my power.

I only tried to help
the sheriff's department

in any way I could.

Right, well, um...

why don't you give me
a couple examples

of the ways that
you've helped us out?

Oh, God, there's so many.

Uh, roadside assistance.

Breaking up unruly parties.

Surveillance, crowd control,
directing traffic.

Mace?

You've been carrying around
weapons grade mace?

I've only
had to use it once.

I'd like a magazine.

We just need urine, sir.

I'd still like one.

Dwight.

Well...

I passed the test,
thanks to you

and your untainted pee.

Thank you very much.

That's great.

What's wrong?

Where's your costume?

It's a uniform.

And I turned it in today
when I tendered my resignation.

Why?
What--

I took an oath
when I was sworn in.

And I broke that oath today.

Here.

Just buy it from me.

I haven't talked
to you in hours,

and it's been weird.

And I really wanna know

what the hell's going on
with Dwight.

Hi.
Hey.

How much time do you have left
on your break?

Ten minutes.

Since you did such a good job
with the investigation,

I decided to pull
a few strings,

call in a few favors.

And I've decided
to make you

official security supervisor
of the branch.

Really?

Yes, sir.
That's fantastic.

'Cause I've always felt
that the security here sucked.

So you wanna...

"Dwight K. Schrute,

"I hereby declare you
an honorary volunteer corporal

in charge of assisting
all activity security."

Good, okay?

Here's your badge.

Thank you, Michael.

Very nice.

Great.
Can I have a gun?

No.
I don't have a gun.

Okay.

I'll have to bring in
my bow staff.

I don't think so.
Don't.

Good.
Thank you, Michael.

[sighing]

No...
oh...

I need to go over
some details with you.

First of all...
All right, well...

Thank you.

How many orange traffic cones
do you have?

Two.

Oh, God.

I used to be a volunteer
sheriff's deputy, retired.

Now I'm overseeing
all the security here

at Dunder Mifflin.

Yes, we already have
security guards,

but who'll guard the guards?

I will.

I will watch over them
like a hawk.

I will make sure
that they make sure

that no one gets away
with anything, even them.

Wow, what a terrible day
to not be able to talk.

Dwight was literally carrying
around his own urine

and dressed like
one of the Village People.

Why does he do the things
that he does for Michael?

I just don't get it.

What is he getting
out of that relationship?

[inhales, exhales]

We should get a pizza.

(Vance Employee #2)
I hate pizza.