All language subtitles for The Office Superfan Episodes S05E04 Baby Shower Extended Cut 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

(watch chiming)

Hey, Michael.

Yeah?

Contractions are
coming every 10 minutes.

Okay, just remember
to keep breathing.

My cervix is ripening.

Okay, good.

Jan is about to have a
baby with a sperm donor.

And Michael is preparing for
the birth of a watermelon

with Dwight.

Now, this baby will be
related to Michael through

delusion.

[Dwight] Michael?

[Michael] Yeah?

My water's breaking!

Oh, okay!

Okay!
(Dwight groaning)

What do you do?
What do you do?

I get a call from Jan and
I meet her at the hospital.

Right.

Highways or surface roads?

I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.

No, Gibson is covered in
potholes, your car breaks down.

Adapt!

I checked the route. There are
no potholes. Come on.

It's about adapting
to the circumstances!

Andy, would you
like to have my baby?

Yes!

- Yeah.
- No.

(Andy shouts)
Andy, no!

- I'm crowning!
- All right.

I'm crowning!

Come on.

(Dwight shouting)

(Andy shouting)

Here we go!

Here we go!

Do it! Scream!

Scream it out!

Scream it out, scream it out!

(both screaming)

Babies are one of my
many areas of expertise.

Growing up, I performed
my own circumcision.

Just keep pushing.

Hold me!

I'm right here.

Cradle my head!

I'm right here,
I'm right here.

I'm screaming, I'm
screaming, I'm screaming!

All right, Dwight.

(Dwight screams)

Just push and breathe.

Numb me up! I want anesthesia!

Shh, no, you can't
have it, it's too late.

No! I don't want natural!

No, you have to
just push it out.

[Dwight] Okay!

Keep simulating.

(Dwight screaming)

Okay!

Do you have a Sharpie?

Keep simulating.

Do you have the Sharpie?

- Yes, I do!
- Okay!

When the baby emerges,
mark it secretly

in a kind of a mark that
only you could recognize

and no baby-snatcher
could ever copy.

Okay.

Ready?

Yes.

(Dwight screaming)

Here we go!

Oh, God!

Wow!

What was on that?

Butter.

Newborns are slippery.

Nice touch. Good. Let's try
that again.

It is going to be the
happiest day of my life.

(zipper zips)

(bright upbeat music)

Hello ladies.

How is my shower going?

Phyllis, did you
get the live storks?

No.

Dammit, Phyllis!

I'm sorry.

Damn it, Phyllis.

It was hard enough to
convince Jan to come.

So are we set for refreshments?

Per your instructions, we
have the personalized M&M's

with the baby names.

Jan knows the sex, but
she's not telling me.

She did say that I could
pick out a boy name.

Her exact words were
"Knock yourself out."

This is your boy bowl
with the name Chevy.

That was me.

And this is the
girl bowl with M&M's

with the name Astird.

[Phyllis] That can't be right.

Michael wrote down Astird.

She said it is the name
of a Viking princess, so.

Ass-turd.

I know.

I know.

It is beautiful.

No.

Thank you.

Is this it?

I mean, is this two bowls
of M&M's and some balloons?

What about gifts?

I thought the
shower was the gift.

Who's in charge?

She is.

Yeah? Why?

Well, that's how
we worked it out.

Really?

Mm-hm, internally.

You know what, Phyllis? I
think you need to step it up.

I think you need to
get the lead out,

because if I'm not mistaken,

we gave you your
wedding shower here.

We all came into this room
and gave you a golden shower.

Well, you know what?

Where's my golden
shower, Phyllis?

Now it's my turn.

This isn't gonna cut it.

I want baby pictures
up on the wall.

I want fun games.

I want gifts, I
want refreshments.

I want baby powder so
it smells like baby.

And if you can't
get live storks,

get Big Bird, okay?

It does not matter to me at all

whether this baby is
biologically mine,

I'm going to love it.

It's like when the dog
nurses the tiger cub.

Have you seen that video?

It is...

It's so bizarre and unnatural.

But it, it happens.

Hey, I'm collecting
for the baby shower.

Well, Phyllis,
it's not his baby.

[Phyllis] I know, Kevin.

Why do we have to
pay money to get a gift

for his ex-girlfriend's
unborn sperm bank baby?

Well, look at it as if
you're paying for the cake,

not the baby.

Sheet cake.

I do enjoy being the head of
the party planning committee.

I'm no longer
under Angela's heel

and her little grape
head is under mine

Hey, hey!

(knocks on window)

What are you doing?

Don't talk to them.

I'm sorry.

Make the party.

Don't...

Make the party, please, Phyllis.

Pump it!

[Pam] (on phone) So
you know Stacy, right?

Right, the one from England.

[Pam] There's no
one from England, Jim

Katy studied in Ireland.

Oh.

[Pam] The one who does
the Murakami style collages.

Right.

That style.

[Pam] So Stacy and Eric
get to Foner's G-Tech

half an hour early

so they don't have
to sit on the slab.

Okay.

[Pam] Anyway, Foner's
TA, Sarikaya, comes in.

Wait, who's Sarikaya Komzin?

[Pam] No, Sarikaya comes in.

Don't interrupt.

I have like 30
seconds to finish this

and get to Digi-Crit.

Okay, okay.

[Pam] So Sarikaya
says to Eric,

"No way, you can't
reserve seats."

And then Stacy gets
all up in her face

and Sarikaya picks up
Stacy's Mi-Teintes pad

and throws it at the light box.

No way!

[Pam] Yes!

Ah.

That's hilarious.

[Pam] No, it was horrible.

Jim, she might get arrested.

Who, Stacy?

[Pam] No, Stacy is a boy.

Ugh, frustrating.

Why can't you just be
in art class with me?

Ah!

[Pam] Oh, wait, I gotta
go, class is starting.

Okay, I'll--
(line clicks)

I will talk to you later.

That was a good story.

Who's Sarikaya Komzin?

Yo!

I got the Nard-puppy for you.

What's going on here?

It's a baby game where you
guess whose picture is whose.

Oh! (laughs)

Check it out.

Who would've thought

that this little baby would
be marrying that little baby?

That's Phyllis.

Damn, well--

Yeah, it is.

So I hope you two are
very happy together.

Pervert.

Wait, why does that
make me a pervert?

I, I--

Well, it does.

That's me.

[Andy] That's not you.

[Angela] Yes, it is.

That's mean, come on.

That's...

I do not like pregnant
women in my workspace.

They're always complaining.

(coins jingling)

I have varicose veins, too.

I have swollen ankles,
I'm constantly hungry.

Do you think my nipples
don't get sore, too?

Do you think I
don't need to know

the fastest way to the hospital?

Ahoy, matey!

Ahoy!

(chuckles) Ahoy.

So, how you doing?

Good.

Um...

Listen, Jan Levinson
is coming in today

and she is in the terminal
stages of her pregnancy.

A child of which I
have a vested interest.

It's all kind of weird.

Anyway, she is

incredibly fat and
enormous right now,

extremely unattractive.

And you are, on the other hand,

one of the more attractive
people in the office.

So, while she's here,

I am going to be acting
kind of cold to you.

Um, and I am doing this to

pay respect to her
bloated feelings.

And I'm treating
Ryan the same way.

Of course.

Yeah.

The personal relationships
in this office are

a little complicated,

but I'm fine with that.

You don't go into
human resources if you wanna judge people.

Only if you want to
hire and fire them.

When you go to the
hospital, you need a go bag.

In here is everything
they tell you to bring

in "What to Expect."

1986 edition.

Well, it's a classic.

Do we have a pager?

Check.

- Dimes for payphones?
- Check.

- Film for camera?
- Yep.

Nightgown?

I don't know why I have that.

And Walkman.

- Mm-hmm.
- Good.

And I have filled in some
of the gaps on your list.

A concussion grenade for
crowd control, Cipro,

a butane torch
for sterilization,

also for circumcision, a blade.

(switchblade clicks)

And crank flashlight.

(cranking flashlight)

Sorry, Phyl.

I didn't have time
to boil the nipples.

I think it's okay
if it's for adults.

Relax.

This is for me.

Jan.

[Jan] Hi, Jim.

Who do we have here?

Ah, this is my baby.

Really?

Oh, no.

Jan had the baby and Michael
wasn't there to mark it.

So the baby could be anybody's.

Except Michael's.

Wow, I don't understand.

How did he--

She was born. (chuckles)

She was born.

A few days ago.

Wow!

Oh!

Yeah.

So, this is Astird.

Astrid.

Oh.

Okay.

Why didn't you call me?

Well, um, you know,

labor just kind of started
very suddenly and--

I could've helped.

The birth instructor
thought it wasn't a good idea

for you to be
there, so, I just--

That guy?

He had no sense of humor

and I proved him
wrong in so many ways.

You don't have any idea
what I've been through.

- No, I don't.
- So--

- I--
- I'm sorry.

I thought today
at the baby shower

would be a good time for
the two of you to meet.

You know, there
are a lot of upsides

to meeting the baby this way.

It's clean.

Everything you read, they say

parenting is all
about the unexpected.

And I did, I expected
the unexpected.

I did not expect this.

(Michael sighs)

Can I hold her?

Yes.

Yes, you can.

You know, I think just leave
her in the car seat, just...

- Ah.
- Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

I love babies.

I think they are beautiful in
all sorts of different ways.

I try to pick up and hold a
baby every day, if possible,

because it nourishes me.

It feeds my soul.

Babies are drawn to me.

And I think it's because
they see me as one of them,

but cooler

and with my life put
together a little bit.

If a baby were president,
there would be no taxes,

there would be no war.

There would be no

government and

things could get terrible.

It actually, probably, it would
be a better screenplay idea

than a serious suggestion.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my privilege
and honor to present

for the first time in her
life and in the office,

As--

- Trid.
- Trid Levinson.

Hi, Astrid.

This is everybody, look.

This is your family.

You're gonna know them
for the rest of your life.

Well.

Well, he may not be here.

Say hello.

Okay, here we go.

Lion King!

Wait, Michael.

Michael, Michael,
Michael, no, that's, yeah,

- that's, that's too high.
- Okay.

- I'll take that.
- Okay.

[Jan] Okay.

I also do not like babies.

If a baby's not crying,
and ruining my plane ride,

then it's staring at me.

I don't know why babies need
to stare at me. (snickers)

Come on, let's
get our shower on!

Conference room,
choppity-chip-chop!

Are you okay?

You seem kind of...

I'm fine, weirdo.

Such an HR weirdo.

Try not to suck all the air
out of there when you walk in.

I'm starting to get a
feeling what life was like

around here for Toby.

[Toby] (on phone)
It was terrible.

Oh, yeah.

[Toby] I prefer being stuck
in a Costa Rican hospital.

Really?

[Toby] Not really.

Okay!

Wait for me.

Wait for me.

This is gonna be fun.

Wait, what's, what's that smell?

Stanley?

Oh, baby powder.

Okay, do we have hats?

Phyllis?

No?

Ah, okay, well.

Where am I going to sit?

Okay.

Good, good.

Ready to play some games?

Let's do it.

Michael, the baby's
already been born.

Yeah, duh.

So we had games planned,
but the baby ruins all of 'em.

No, the baby doesn't
ruin anything, Kevin, okay?

The baby multiplies the fun.

Let's just do what
you were going to do.

Okay.

Who wants to guess when
the baby will be born?

Tomorrow?

All right, all right,
how about we play the game

where we guess how big
the mother's belly is?

Oh!

- Okay.
- So...

Well...

How many squares of toilet
paper go around the waist?

Does that mean there's no
toilet paper in the bathroom?

Kevin, relax.

Okay, you know what?

I don't think we
need to do this one

because I only gained 12 pounds
and I'm just gonna get rid of--

17.

I say 17 squares.

Okay, give me the
roll, I'll do it.

Do her boobs.

Yeah, we're not doing
my boobs, Michael.

Okay, seven.

Someone give me a prize.

(Astrid fussing)

Oh, look at her.

Did she really just have a baby?

She's so beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

Wait till you get to
know her better, though.

Hey!

HR lady, stop whispering
in the corner, please.

It's very rude.

You're ruining the party.

Actually I read the
file on Michael and Jan.

I didn't have to,

but it's a real page turner.

I took it home on weekends
and read it in the tub.

It's confidential, I'm not
allowed to talk about it.

But, uh, rub-a-dub-dub.

All right, how
about some presents?

I wanna see some presents.

I got this so I can write
down for thank you notes.

Thank you, that's very sweet.

What do we got?

Um...

We all chipped in

and got you this stroller.

Oh!

[Jan] Thank you.

She already has a stroller.

And this is way worse than
the stroller she came with.

She's got an Orbit.

That's a $1200 stroller.

(scoffs) $1200 for
a stroller? (snickers)

[Michael] Okay, what else?

People assume that
when you buy something

with a brand name,
you're getting an item of higher quality.

False.

I buy my clothing by the pound.

My grandmother makes
my own medicine.

My favorite cola
is soda flavored.

So, am I impressed
with the stroller?

You tell me.

Hey Jan, you went
to a sperm bank?

Uh, yes, I did.

I donated sperm.

Oh.

Huh.

Maybe I'm the father.

Well, this is, uh, a highly
exclusive establishment, so--

Next to the IHOP?

Well, I paid for
an ideal specimen.

Are you saying Kevin
is not an ideal specimen?

This is a wonderful
shower, everyone.

Thank you.

I might have done it
with Jan. (snickers)

It's not Kevin's child.

It can't possibly be.

I mean, I don't know
what I would do.

Sue?

Icide?

$1200 is what I spent
on my whole bomb shelter.

(elevator dings)

For that kind of money,

this stroller should
be indestructible.

Hello, spoiled little baby

in your fancy brand
name stroller.

Hmm, I wonder if it's as
safe as they say it is?

Oh, look a curb.

Uh-oh!

Let's see what happens!

Inconclusive.

The Spartans would
leave a weak baby

by the side of the road.

My parents left me
beside the road,

but I crawled home.

Not so weak, huh, Mom?

♪ Being good isn't always easy ♪

♪ No matter how hard I tried ♪

♪ When he started
sweet talking to me ♪

♪ He'd come and tell me
everything is all right ♪

♪ He'd kiss and tell me
everything is all right ♪

♪ And can I get
away again tonight ♪

♪ The only one ♪

Hey, you.

[Jim] Hey. You busy?

Not even.

I'm doing laundry for the
first time in like a month.

[Jim] Okay, okay,
you gotta hear this.

So Jan's shower is
going on right now.

(machine buzzes)
She's singing...

I can't hear anything.

There's like...

[Jim] Everyone's
just staring at her.

There's like, machines going.

[Jim] The song is about
losing your virginity

next to a church.

And guess what?

She's been singing for
the last 20 minutes.

I can't hear anything!

[Jim] Oh!

Okay, well, you
know what, I, uh...

Just, uh, call me later.

Okay.

I'm not frustrated.

Even if I were in Scranton,

Jim and I would
have days like this.

We're just a little outta sync.

You know, that's all.

Oh.

Great, I washed my lipstick.

♪ How well I remember ♪

♪ The look that
was in his eyes ♪

♪ Stealing kisses
from me on the sly ♪

♪ Taking time to make time ♪

♪ Telling me that
he's all mine ♪

♪ Learning from each
other's knowing ♪

♪ Looking to see how
much we've grown ♪

♪ And the only boy who
could ever reach me ♪

♪ Was the son of
a preacher man ♪

♪ Yes he was ♪

♪ Yes he was ♪

Janice.

♪ Ooh yes he was ♪

You parked in the handicap spot.

♪ The only boy who
could ever reach me ♪

♪ The keys are in my purse ♪

♪ The only boy who
could ever teach me ♪

I'll just take them, then.

♪ Was the son of
a preacher man ♪

♪ Yes he was ♪

♪ Yes he was ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yes he was ♪

Gosh, Mommy feels
like taking a jog.

Oh, no!

Mommy forgot to wear a bra

and her big fake boobs
are really hurting her!

She needs to let go!

She can't control the
stroller any longer!

So Jan, tell my intended
about the miracle of childbirth.

Well, actually I,
uh, I had a tub birth

and it was really,
really quite amazing.

You gave birth in a tub?

Yeah.

It's, it's a really nice
transition from womb to,

to world, you know.

Kind of like a big womb.

Um, so you're in the
tub with everything?

Oh, yeah, the
afterbirth floats, yeah.

Must be like the
tide at Omaha Beach.

Oh, no, it's actually
really hygienic, Creed.

- Ah.
- Well, I'm done.

And after the
birth you get out and

- you deliver the afterbirth.
- Me, too.

Hey.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, this is the birth story.

It was beautiful.

It was beautiful.

This is a once in a
lifetime experience

(voice cracking) and I should
have been there.

I should have been
there to witness this.

- I could have helped.
- You're upset about this.

I know that and I wish that I,

but would it help if you
held Astrid for just a,

a little bit?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

I'm just gonna lie down
for a couple of minutes.

I'm exhausted.

So remind me to talk to
you about Astrid's 529

and wake me in 20.

(Jan sighs)

It's been a hell of a week.

I usually love babies.

But when I held
Astrid, I just felt

short-changed.

(sighs) Phyllis?

Could you take...

(Astrid fusses)

(Jan snoring lightly)

Jim?

(Jan snoring)

You wanted to see me?

Yeah.

Did you get a chance to
hang with Astrid at all?

[Jim] Sure.

Cute.

[Michael] What did you think?

Oh, she's great, yeah.

And according to Dwight,
she's 85% viable, so.

Astrid is a strong specimen,

who, along with the
rest of today's youth,

will make the Chinese
sorry they ever invaded us.

I usually love babies,

but when I held
Astrid, I just felt...

This was supposed to be the
happiest day of my life.

Yes.

Meeting your baby
would have been

the happiest day of your life.

Yeah, it should have
been the happiest day.

Had it been such an occasion.

It should have been.

And it would've been.

Had it been.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

But it's not.

Because...

Hey.

Hm?

What is up with that baby?

Being Michael's
connection to reality

is not a job I have
time to take on.

Let's see what
this baby can do.

(Dwight shouting)

It's a hardy stroller.

Baby is safe!

Hey, guys.

What's up Mike?

Uh...

I need some advice from
one baby daddy to another.

(chuckles) You a baby daddy?

Yeah, I a baby daddy.

(Darryl laughs)

Um...

When you first
became a baby daddy,

did you have an immediate
connection with that baby?

Like the first time
that you held it,

did you find that
with your baby baby?

Hell, yeah.

You know why?

Hm?

'Cause that was my baby.

Ah.

I just thought as a baby daddy--

Why do you keep
saying baby daddy?

That's what you say, right?

Have you heard me say that?

Glen, have heard
me say baby daddy?

Not once.

Now, what you mighta
heard me say was father,

'cause that's what I am.

Mm-hm.

You should stop calling
yourself baby daddy.

Why, Darryl?

Because I am quote
"white" quote, unquote?

Because you're not a daddy.

[Michael] Well...

And it's not your baby.

Well...

You feel connected
to his baby over there?

It's...

That's different.

You feel connected to this?

That's not a baby.

You wanna hold me,
see how you feel?

(Michael sighs)

Could I?

No.

(Jan yawns)

Oh!

I was just catching
up on my sleep.

I can imagine.

Where's Astrid?

Oh, I think she's
on a sales call.

On a what?

Wah, more paper, wah!

No, she's just on
a coffee break.

That's funny.

She's with Angela.

That's good.

Now, I need you to...

I need it to look up here.

Get the baby to look.

- Okay.
- Up here.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Look at my finger.

(camera beeps)

Look, look!

No.

Come on, up here.

[Andy] Look up here.

Your hands in it.

What? Sorry.

(camera clicks)

What are you doing?

[Angela] Yeah,
that was a good one.

What's going on?

- Excuse me.
- We're taking a picture.

Oh, there you are.

[Andy] She's nature's bounty.

But you don't flash
around a newborn baby.

Don't you know that?

Michael.

I need your help.

I was just going to,

uh, I was gonna talk to Holly

about her hygiene.

She smells like old tomatoes

and dirt.

Uh...

Come on.

I like to call this
"The Bumper Test."

(tires screech)

(stroller crashes)

(stroller clattering)

(tires screeching)

(Jan sighs)

Okay, Astrid, you want
to try the other side?

Okay.

Here we go.

That's good.

Hey, Jan.

What's new?

Nothing since the
last time you asked.

Two minutes ago.

Cool.

You know what, Kevin,

why don't you just
go ahead and stare?

Because, you know, it's,

it's fine with me.

I mean, this is so natural

and so beautiful and...

Seriously?

You're okay with that?

Of course.

I mean, there's nothing
erotic about this, you know,

it's, it's...

It's what these were
made for, you know?

I mean they're
full of baby milk.

They're nourishing my baby, so.

Michael!

Don't hit the tire!

Oh, no, my child!

Don't get stuck on
the barbed wire!

(strains) Playtime is over!

(stroller crashes)

Would you spend $1200 for that?

Oh.

Look at her sleeping.

I forget,

are you supposed to let
'em sleep on their stomachs

or backs?

I think stomachs.

So they don't choke
on their vomit.

I don't know what the
definition of alcoholic is,

but if I am not
gonna say anything

about Meredith's awful jumpers,

then why would I
bring up her drinking?

Sure you can't
say a little longer?

Oh no, Michael, you know what,

I really have to go.

Okay.

All right, everybody,
they're leaving.

Jan and Astrid are leaving.

Wait, you know what,
where is the, uh,

stroller that I came in with?

Oh, I took the liberty of
putting it in your trunk.

Oh.

Thanks, Dwight.

Try not to bang
that bassinet, okay?

Okay.

(bassinet bangs)

Hey, uh...

Jan, could I have a
moment with Astrid?

Well, she's
already buckled in--

I know, just a moment.

Okay.

Okay.

Hello.

So, I have something for you.

This, hi!

Yes, this is a Dundee plushy.

Phyllis made this.

Okay, you can play
with that later.

So, listen,

I am so sorry about your name.

I had nothing to do with that.

I know things are a little
complicated right now.

Your mommy and I are

not going to be living together

and we're not going to
be having a relationship,

but I think it's gonna be okay

because your paternal,

my father, my dad,

was an absentee dad

and I think I turned out okay.

So I think things
are gonna be fine.

Michael?

Yep.

What are you...

I, nothing.

Okay, here we go.

Okay. (sighs)

Oh, you know what?

There is, uh,

there is one more thing
that you can do for me.

Okay.

Don't date Holly.

Well, that's...

I hate her.

Why, God...

Why would you even ask me to...

I, I mean, not that it
matters, 'cause I don't but...

Okay.

All right.

Fine.

Thanks for the baby shower.

It was great.

And I'll see you soon.

[Michael] All right.

Okay.

(motor revving)

You still gonna be mean to me?

You wanna go out?

Oh.

Uh.

Yes.

I didn't feel much
when I held Astrid.

But I got a good
feeling from Holly.

(mobile beeping)

[Jim] Hey, it's Jim.

Leave a message.

(voicemail beeps)

Hi.

(on voicemail) Hey, this is Pam.
Leave a message.

- (voicemail beeps)
- Hey.

It's me. It is 5:03.

I figured I'd catch you
walking to your car, but...

Guess you must be
out or something.

I'll leave a message.

I don't, is it me or are
we just a little off today?

I guess this is just
one of those days.

It'll get better.

Hope you didn't have
any major laundry issues.

I finished my laundry.

Got all my socks.

Nothing like that time
that crazy guy pushed you.

Hey, do you remember that time

that I helped you
do your laundry

and that crazy guy came in
and started yelling at you?

And then remember we
went shopping the next day

to buy me a washer-dryer?

And yet here you are
back in the laundromat.

Now, I'm just trying
to help you, Beesly.

Be safe.

You're probably
upset that I'm even at

a laundromat right
now, but don't worry.

I'm being safe.

And I'm headed home.

I'm headed to my dorm.

Not home.

Wish you were home.

Uh, anyway...

Anyway, um,

I miss you.

I miss you.

(bright upbeat music)