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1
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,304
(Jim)
The Stamford branch is closing,
2
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:16,266
and everybody's
just packing up their stuff.
3
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,310
Andy Bernard
made these tasteful hats.
4
00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:22,897
That's the other thing.
If you want--
5
00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:24,065
Yo, Tuna,
I want to talk to you
6
00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:26,484
about this new boss,
Michael Scott.
7
00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:28,278
Yeah?
8
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:29,195
So what's he like?
9
00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:31,406
Likes, dislikes,
favorite sports,
10
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,159
favorite movies,
favorite men's magazines?
11
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,828
You know what, I think
you just need to meet him.
12
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,413
Playing your cards
close to the vest.
13
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:39,706
I get it.
14
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,833
Good luck
over there, Tuna.
15
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,836
Cross me,
and I will destroy you.
16
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,213
Sounds good, Andy.
17
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,799
This is gonna be
an adventure.
18
00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:52,469
Yes, this is going
to be very interesting.
19
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:54,512
All right,
I'm out of here.
20
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:55,722
See you later?
21
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:59,517
Right on.
22
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:02,771
[humming]
23
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:03,772
Hey, is that Josh's computer?
24
00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,231
What?
25
00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:11,529
Hey.
Hey.
26
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:12,614
How'd the run go?
27
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:14,199
Ah, pretty good.
I finished.
28
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,658
That's great. Thanks.
29
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,285
[scoffs]
Why is that great?
30
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,371
Because he
accomplished something.
31
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:20,538
What was your mile time?
32
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,165
About seven.
33
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,793
[scoffs]
I could beat that on a skateboard.
34
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:25,877
Well, that
has wheels.
35
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,045
Yeah, well,
my feet don't,
36
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,880
and I could still
crush that time.
37
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,965
Really, Dwight?
How fast are you?
38
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,258
Let's just put it this way--
39
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:35,178
Last weekend, I outran
a black pepper snake.
40
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,304
Really?
41
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,263
I am fast.
42
00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:38,890
To give you
a reference point,
43
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,726
I'm somewhere between a snake
and a mongoose.
44
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,561
And a panther.
45
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,814
Man, what is
taking Toby so long?
46
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:47,315
Oh, I'll just
time him later.
47
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,858
And you'll
compare the times?
48
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,735
Yeah.
49
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:51,903
Are you ready?
50
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,738
Set, go!
No. My groin's really tight.
51
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:54,781
I can't--
52
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:57,325
[beeping]
53
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:58,660
[beeping stops]
54
00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:01,329
Am I being mean
to Dwight?
55
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:02,914
I don't know.
56
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,249
I did just make him
run around the building,
57
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,751
and I have no intention
of timing him.
58
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,044
This isn't even a stopwatch.
59
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:11,214
It's a digital thermometer.
60
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:13,049
He does make my life
harder sometimes.
61
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:14,592
And on purpose.
62
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,594
Like he tried to put meters
on the bathroom stalls
63
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:19,597
as a way of bringing in
more money for the company.
64
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,976
Hey!
Three more laps to go!
65
00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:24,769
You gotta pick it up
if you're gonna beat Toby!
66
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,479
[Dwight screams]
67
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:29,816
Well, I should probably
get back to work.
68
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:34,821
[cheerful music]
69
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:41,995
♪ ♪
70
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,353
He-e-ere...
71
00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:07,604
Who's here?
72
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:08,855
Nametag?
Yes, please.
73
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:09,981
Karen Filipelli.
74
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,107
Karen Filip--
75
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,942
[Italian accent]
Karen a-Filipelli.
76
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,069
Probably Italian.
77
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,528
Possibly Filipino.
78
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,946
Okay.
79
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,115
{\an8}My branch is absorbing
the Stamford branch.
80
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:23,453
{\an8}Or, as I like to put it,
my family is doubling in size.
81
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,330
{\an8}And that's all
I'm gonna say about it
82
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:29,042
{\an8}because I have a gigantic
performance ahead of me
83
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:32,545
{\an8}and I have to get
into my head and focus.
84
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,673
{\an8}[deep breath]
85
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,299
{\an8}And this is, don't tell me,
86
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:41,262
{\an8}Martin Na--
Nan--Nack--
87
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,014
{\an8}Nash.
Martin Nash. Nash. Okay.
88
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,849
{\an8}Male, age 37.
89
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,851
{\an8}Good.
Mocha complexion.
90
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,395
{\an8}Supplier relations.
91
00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:50,355
{\an8}Either caught a fish
or was standing next to a man
92
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,315
{\an8}who caught a fish
in Key West, Florida.
93
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,483
{\an8}What are you talking about?
94
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:56,069
{\an8}It wasn't clear
on the Google Image search.
95
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:57,737
{\an8}And who's next?
That is Andy Bernard.
96
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,322
{\an8}Andy Bernard.
97
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,366
{\an8}If I were you...
St. Bernard.
98
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,785
{\an8}I would fire
Anthony Gardner...
99
00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,078
{\an8}What?
before noon...
100
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,329
{\an8}I'm not--
to consolidate power.
101
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,872
{\an8}I'm not firing somebody
on the first day.
102
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,000
{\an8}No, no, no, not somebody. Gardner.
103
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,210
{\an8}The Japanese camp guards
of World War II
104
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,170
{\an8}always chose
one man to kill
105
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,464
{\an8}whenever a batch
of new prisoners arrived.
106
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:22,053
{\an8}I always wondered how they
chose the man who was to die.
107
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,974
{\an8}I think I would have been good
at choosing the person.
108
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,559
{\an8}Good morning.
109
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,561
{\an8}You got the food.
Good!
110
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:30,562
{\an8}Lookee, lookee, lookee.
111
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:31,688
{\an8}What I want you to do--
112
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,440
{\an8}Set it up
in the conference room, please.
113
00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:34,691
{\an8}Make it look nice,
114
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:36,234
{\an8}as if you were trying to
impress a much older man
115
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,944
{\an8}who's way out
of your league. Okay.
116
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,822
{\an8}[quiet laugh]
117
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,407
Yes, I'm in
a good mood today.
118
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:46,286
I'm excited to meet
all of the new people
119
00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:49,706
and to see my old friend again, definitely.
120
00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:51,416
That's always a thing
that makes people happy,
121
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:54,294
to have
an old friend back.
122
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,171
(Michael)
Ding ding ding ding ding! Our first arrival.
123
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,922
Welcome to Scranton.
124
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,925
This is
Hannah Smoteridge-Barr.
125
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,428
Hannah Smoteridge-Barr.
126
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,097
Welcome
to our humble abode.
127
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:09,100
Follow me to your desk.
128
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,478
Your ball and chain
is right over here.
129
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,105
You know,
a lot of these people,
130
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,774
This is the only
family they have.
131
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,276
So as far as I'm concerned,
132
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:22,072
This says
"World's Best Dad."
133
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:25,533
There he is.
Tony, what's your last name?
134
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:26,618
Gardner.
135
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:27,827
Gardner.
136
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,496
I knew that.
There you go.
137
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:30,455
Gift bag...
138
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,957
[laughs]
For you, okay? Thanks.
139
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,584
Michael, I didn't get
a gift bag.
140
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,252
Well, they're just
for guests.
141
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,754
If there are any left over,
you can buy one later.
142
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,255
My bag's mostly pencils.
143
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:42,759
Ooh, and coupons to various
hot spots around Scranton.
144
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:46,638
All right, let me show you
to your area, sir.
145
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,889
Come on, big guy.
146
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:50,475
Can I have your pencils?
No.
147
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:51,935
Hi.
Hi.
148
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:54,187
I'm Pam. Karen.
I love your sweater.
149
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,231
Oh, thanks.
My mom made it for me.
150
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,774
Really?
That's so cool.
151
00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:58,983
I've always wanted to
learn how to knit.
152
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:01,903
Welcome,
welcome, welcome!
153
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:05,156
[imitating robot]
Take me to your leader.
154
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,118
Oh, wait.
I am your leader.
155
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,663
Uh, wait,
are you a robot
156
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,123
or a Martian?
157
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,750
Hmm? Ah...
[laughs]
158
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,293
I'm actually your boss,
Michael Scott.
159
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,503
Hi. Karen. Welcome.
160
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,130
Wow, you are
very exotic-looking.
161
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,048
Was your dad a G.I.,
or...?
162
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,395
I'll be the number two guy
here in Scranton in six weeks.
163
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:36,479
How?
164
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:38,189
Name repetition,
personality mirroring,
165
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,734
and never
breaking off a handshake.
166
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:43,445
I'm always thinking
one step ahead,
167
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:44,863
like a...
168
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,281
carpenter...
169
00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:48,158
that makes stairs.
170
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,951
[clears throat]
171
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,327
Hello.
172
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,705
Ah!
You must be Andy Bernard.
173
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,374
Aloha and welcome.
174
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,001
And you must be
Michael Scott.
175
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:01,046
Aloha and hello.
176
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,548
[laughs]
Very good.
177
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:07,385
Welcome to
our little kingdom.
178
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:11,222
Uh, we have a bag
of nifty gifties for you.
179
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,391
Well, Michael, thank you
for welcoming me
180
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,435
to your little kingdom, Mike.
181
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,145
Oh.
182
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:18,188
Nifty!
183
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,023
They are nifty.
184
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,524
They're nifty gifties.
185
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,068
You know
who I really like
186
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,569
is this guy Andy Bernard.
187
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:27,447
He has got this
very likeable way about him.
188
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:34,454
Which is why they
need a passing game. Right.
189
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,623
(Michael)
No way. Get him outta here.
190
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:38,458
We don't want any
of this kind in here.
191
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,751
Good to see you, man.
Wow. Okay.
192
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,087
How are you?
Martin Nash, I presume?
193
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,673
This is a little gift bag
for you, free of charge.
194
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:45,882
Follow me.
195
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:47,676
I will show you
where all the slaves work.
196
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:48,802
Not...
197
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,429
So your desk is...
198
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,931
Hi. I'm Jim.
I'm new here.
199
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,057
Oh, my God!
It's really you.
200
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,517
[laughs]
201
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,018
I was just doin'
a little joke there
202
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:57,977
about how
we'd never met.
203
00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,145
I know.
I don't care.
204
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:00,605
Awesome.
205
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,273
Good to be back.
206
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,608
The place looks really good.
207
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:04,984
It's really good
to see you.
208
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:06,319
You too.
209
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,114
Where do I stand
with Pam?
210
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,533
Um... no idea.
211
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:13,493
I mean, we're friends.
212
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,037
Always have been friends.
213
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,581
Um, that is where we stand.
214
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,250
(Dwight)
Well, well, well.
215
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,003
Look what the cat
dragged in from Stamford.
216
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,170
Hey, Dwight.
217
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,966
Fact: I am older.
I am wiser.
218
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,050
Do not mess
with me.
219
00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:31,720
Okay.
Sounds good.
220
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,555
What are you doing?
I don't know what you're talking about.
221
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:34,848
Do I have a spider
on my forehead?
222
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,224
No. Look good.
223
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,101
Why are you looking
at my forehead?
224
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,853
I'm not.
225
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,813
Meet my eye line, Jim.
226
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,064
I am.
227
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,607
Stop acting
like an idiot!
228
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,484
Okay.
229
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,610
(Ryan)
Hey, buddy.
230
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,154
Welcome back.
231
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:50,196
Hey, how are you, man?
Good to see you.
232
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,364
I'm good.
How are you?
233
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:56,411
So...
234
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:57,537
Oh, I'm sorry.
235
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,663
Are you
sitting here now?
236
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,582
Yeah.
237
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:01,666
Oh.
238
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,711
Um...
239
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:07,547
unless you really, really
want it back.
240
00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:10,383
You know, man,
it's really your call.
241
00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,926
Cool. Thank you.
242
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:14,387
Mm-hmm.
243
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,473
Let me get that
for you.
244
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,225
You got it?
245
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,685
Mm-hmm.
246
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,648
This one taken?
No? Good.
247
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,570
Yeah,
Jim is a nice guy.
248
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,655
That's why
I got the desk.
249
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,741
Michael Scott,
thank you.
250
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,577
I appreciate it, Mike.
251
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:38,787
(Michael)
All right.
252
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:39,913
Hello.
253
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,915
I don't believe
we've been introduced.
254
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,417
Dwight Schrute--
assistant regional manager.
255
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:47,587
Andy Bernard, regional director
in charge of sales.
256
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,880
So you'll be
reporting to me then.
257
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,090
Mmm... on the contrary.
258
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,383
My title
has "manager" in it.
259
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,510
And I'm a director,
260
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,429
which on a film set
is the highest title there is.
261
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,348
Do you know anything
about film?
262
00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,308
I know everything
about film.
263
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,269
I've seen over 240
of them.
264
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,729
Congratulations.
265
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,195
Hey, Kev.
Hey, man.
266
00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:13,279
How you doing?
267
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,323
Good.
Listen.
268
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:18,952
My m&ms are under the desk
if you want any.
269
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,121
Okay.
270
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:25,041
Hidden from them.
271
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,796
Smart. Good.
272
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,881
Hey, Angela.
273
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,299
You need a hair cut.
274
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,176
Bye, Angela.
All right, Kev.
275
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:38,013
See you later, Jim.
See you later.
276
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,015
It's his first day back.
277
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:42,851
His hair's flipping out
on the sides.
278
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:45,395
I like it.
279
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,564
Oh, my lord.
280
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,025
"I present
the orientation video."
281
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,026
We need to talk.
282
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,068
Not now.
283
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,111
Which is higher,
284
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,362
assistant regional manager
285
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,072
or regional director
in charge of sales?
286
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,657
I told you,
the titles are irrelevant.
287
00:10:57,699 --> 00:10:59,367
They just relate
to pay scale.
288
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,827
Okay, so who gets
paid more, me or Andy?
289
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,620
It is not a matter
of more or less.
290
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,164
Your pay
is just different,
291
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,540
okay?
292
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,834
All right.
Show time, part one.
293
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,169
Okay, who
reports to who?
294
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,171
I don't care, Dwight.
295
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,297
You all report to me.
296
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,673
That's all that matters.
297
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,967
The rest of it just work out
amongst yourselves, okay?
298
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,719
And then if I want--
Work it out amongst yourselves!
299
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:19,679
I--
Please! I have a company to run.
300
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:20,972
Will you let me
run the company?
301
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:21,765
I--
Will you?
302
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:24,142
One--
Please?
303
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:34,652
This is weird
with you facing the other way.
304
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,655
Yeah, I never even know that
part of the office existed.
305
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:41,701
Hey, who's that guy?
306
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,037
(Pam)
That's Stanley Hudson.
307
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:45,705
He's one of our salesmen.
308
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,374
Seems like
a nice enough guy.
309
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,875
Oh, very.
310
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:51,544
What about, uh--
311
00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:55,965
Hmm, that
is Janet Fenstermaker.
312
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,050
Really?
313
00:11:57,092 --> 00:12:00,136
You should say hi.
Use her full name.
314
00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:01,680
Thank you
for all of this.
315
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,223
This is so helpful.
316
00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:05,642
You know what?
One last question.
317
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:08,895
Um, who is that fine older
gentleman in the corner?
318
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,607
[gasps]
Um, that is Creed Bratton.
319
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,317
He has four toes,
320
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:16,569
and he fought
in the Civil War.
321
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:17,821
For the North?
322
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:20,115
For both sides.
Whoever paid more.
323
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,282
Obviously.
Yeah.
324
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:23,868
Hey, um, sorry, seriously,
can you guys--
325
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,453
I'm trying
to get some work done.
326
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,789
Sorry, man.
327
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,671
Thanks.
328
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,428
Hi. Andy Bernard.
329
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,429
Hi. Kevin Malone.
330
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:43,888
Nice to meet you.
331
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,599
What's that on your shirt?
332
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,936
That is a penguin.
You like it?
333
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,439
The penguin.
334
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,691
Andy.
Or Andrew.
335
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:57,902
Okay.
Penguin.
336
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,279
[laughs]
337
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,781
Smiles. Good.
What's funny?
338
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:04,993
Michael, have you met
the penguin?
339
00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:08,621
Oh, nicknames? Yay.
Penguin power.
340
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,123
Ha ha! That's why
I wore the shirt.
341
00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,292
Good.
342
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,002
Keep it up.
343
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,171
Nice to meet you.
344
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,715
You too, man.
345
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:21,634
Hey, nice thermos.
346
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,511
[both laugh]
347
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:26,139
That's funny. Yeah.
348
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:28,183
Do you want a little?
349
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,310
Um, no, I'm fine.
Thank you.
350
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,020
Okay.
351
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,189
If you change your mind,
you just let me know, okay?
352
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,149
Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks.
353
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:38,026
That's cool.
354
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,821
Hey, Toby.
Hey, Jim.
355
00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,490
How are you, man?
I just wanted to say hi.
356
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,449
Oh, really good.
How are you?
357
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,117
Hey, welcome back.
358
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,328
Oh, is that, like,
your new thing, or--
359
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:50,330
No. No, I'm sorry.
360
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,664
No, it's cool.
361
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,875
No, it's nothing.
We'll just--
362
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,296
All right.
Good to be back.
363
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,839
Okay.
All right.
364
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,007
All right, sorry--
Sorry about that, it was...
365
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:03,551
No problem.
What?
366
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:06,221
Nothing.
367
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,892
Jim!
Kelly.
368
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,060
[laughs]
369
00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:13,395
Oh, my God,
I have so much to tell you!
370
00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:14,771
Really?
Yes.
371
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,773
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes,
they had a baby,
372
00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:18,024
and they named it Suri.
373
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,734
And then Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie,
374
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,861
they had a baby too,
and they named it Shiloh.
375
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,531
And both babies are amazing.
376
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,116
Great!
377
00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:27,575
What's new with you?
378
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:28,993
I just told you.
379
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,456
Okay, everybody
settled in?
380
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:34,541
Good.
381
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:35,834
Why don't we all proceed
382
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,752
into the conference room?
383
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:41,798
Or, should I say,
the banquet hall?
384
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,800
For--
drumroll, please--
385
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,678
[imitating drumroll]
386
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:52,267
The official Merger Day
All-Family Welcome Breakfast.
387
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,393
Come on in.
388
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:56,771
Don't be shy.
389
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,231
Hey, champagne.
390
00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,025
No, no, guests only.
391
00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:03,445
Smoked salmon.
392
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:04,654
No, um, for the guests, it is.
393
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:07,282
For you, consider it cow meat.
Strictly taboo.
394
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:08,241
I eat beef.
395
00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,785
Well, then consider it
poison beef.
396
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:11,870
It's--no touching.
397
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,329
The beef is poison?
No, it's not.
398
00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:15,665
Just sit down, please.
399
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,917
Welcome.
Help yourself.
400
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:20,420
You might want
these orientation materials.
401
00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:22,088
Wrong, Toby.
402
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,507
This is an orientation,
not a boring-entation.
403
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,217
[laughs]
404
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,927
Okay, do not worry.
405
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:31,056
All of your questions
are about to be answered.
406
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,724
Cell phones
and pagers off, please.
407
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,267
Oh, this looks promising.
408
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:35,185
You won't be disappointed.
409
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,519
(Michael)
Let's face it.
410
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:39,064
Moving to a new job
can be very stressful.
411
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,649
So I have made
an orientation video
412
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:44,277
especially
for you newcomers.
413
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:48,156
But it's not like
any orientation video
414
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:50,367
that any of you
have ever seen.
415
00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:52,702
It's funny.
416
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:55,497
It's got a little bit
of a zing to it.
417
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,207
And I hope that it
gives you
418
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,751
a flavor
of what we're all about
419
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:02,504
here at Dunder Mifflin,
420
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,798
and what we're all about
here in Scranton.
421
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,676
So let's just all
laugh together and watch...
422
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:10,345
Lazy Scranton.
[hip-hop music]
423
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:12,889
♪ Sittin' in my office
with a plate of grilled bacon ♪
424
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,266
♪ Called the man twice
just to see what was shakin' ♪
425
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,602
♪ Yo, Mike, our town
is dope and pretty ♪
426
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,978
♪ So check out
how we live ♪
427
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:20,188
♪ In the Electric City ♪
428
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:21,606
♪ They call it Scranton ♪
429
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,483
♪ What? *
♪ The Electric City ♪
430
00:16:23,525 --> 00:16:24,693
♪ Scranton *
♪ What? ♪
431
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:25,985
♪ The Electric City ♪
432
00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,153
♪ Call Poison Control ♪
433
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,697
♪ If you're bit
by a spider ♪
434
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,031
♪ But check
that it's covered ♪
435
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:32,033
♪ By your
health care provider ♪
436
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:33,827
It reminds me
of the orientation video
437
00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:35,745
Michael showed
on my first day:
438
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:38,415
The Scranton Witch Project.
439
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,208
I am so scared
440
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:43,586
when people don't label
their personal food.
441
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:46,089
♪ You like coal mines
and you wanna see 'em ♪
442
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:47,590
♪ Well check it out yo ♪
443
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:48,925
♪ The Anthracite Museum ♪
444
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,135
♪ Plenty of space ♪
445
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,511
♪ In the parking lot ♪
446
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,972
♪ But the little cars go
in the compact spot ♪
447
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,307
♪ Spot, spot, spot ♪
448
00:16:56,349 --> 00:17:00,186
Well, so far,
I think it is killing.
449
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:03,148
I thought it would
either be an A or an A-plus.
450
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:07,068
But I completely forgot
that there is an A-plus-plus.
451
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:12,782
This is Karen Filapelli.
452
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,034
Please leave a message.
453
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:17,287
Terrible.
Totally unconvincing.
454
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:22,042
This is Karen Filapelli.
Please leave a message.
455
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:24,794
Not bad, but you are Italian,
456
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:27,797
so try it more Italian.
457
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,260
[Italian accent]
This is Karen a-Filapelli.
458
00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:33,636
Please leave-a me the message.
459
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,513
Abbondanza.
460
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,556
You feel good?
Mm-hmm.
461
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,849
All right.
462
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,855
Karen Filapelli.
463
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,779
Hey, buddy.
Anything new to report?
464
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:54,699
You mean to me,
from you?
465
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:59,287
'Cause that's how it works.
466
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,206
Sure thing, buddy.
467
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,504
Am I trying
to get under his skin?
468
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:09,130
Yes.
469
00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:10,965
Because the angrier he gets,
470
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,884
the more marginalized
he becomes.
471
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,595
Meanwhile,
Andy Bernard is out there
472
00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:18,098
laying on the charm.
473
00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:21,351
Hey, Angela,
check this out.
474
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:25,355
It's my new screen saver.
475
00:18:25,397 --> 00:18:26,648
Oh.
476
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:27,982
Do you like it?
477
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,234
I do like it, actually.
478
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,153
Thank you.
479
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:36,491
You have such a pretty smile,
by the way.
480
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:37,659
Thank you.
481
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,868
You're welcome.
482
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,370
Hey, Kevin.
483
00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:41,454
Yeah?
484
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:42,664
Have you lost weight?
485
00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,499
Well, ac--
486
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,710
Hey.
487
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,628
You've never met me before.
488
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:50,213
I know.
489
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:52,007
But you just
give off the vibe
490
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,968
of a guy who's
getting thinner.
491
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:56,678
Well, thanks.
492
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,763
I appreciate that.
493
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,890
You're welcome.
494
00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:02,976
You know who I really like?
495
00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,895
That guy Andy.
496
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:08,231
Hey.
497
00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:09,190
Hey.
498
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:10,525
What happened
to grape soda?
499
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:11,568
Oh, yeah.
500
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,695
I'm trying to move away
from that.
501
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,864
I'm getting into more
of a bottled water phase.
502
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,866
Oh, you've
changed so much.
503
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,577
Well, I'm evolving, Pam.
504
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,328
So when do I
get to hear everything?
505
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:24,039
Are you still
getting unpacked?
506
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,583
Or you want to grab a coffee
or something after work?
507
00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:27,667
Oh, um...
508
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,169
Tonight, actually?
No.
509
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,295
I'm just still
getting settled.
510
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,714
Oh, yeah, no.
You know, whenever.
511
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:35,717
[awkwardly]
Okay.
512
00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:37,177
Sorry to interrupt.
513
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:40,555
Nope, not
interrupting anything.
514
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,223
Nope, I'm--don't--
515
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:45,101
Okay.
All right.
516
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:48,897
I should probably
get back to work.
517
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,106
Crack the whip.
518
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,983
Yeah, I know.
Me too. All right.
519
00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:57,572
The day's going fine.
520
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,825
It's been a little chaotic,
but it's fine.
521
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,952
It's great.
522
00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:06,456
A lot of distractions,
but it's good.
523
00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:09,417
[machine pumping]
524
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,588
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
525
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,758
I'm sorry, it's just...
It's a little distracting.
526
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,718
Ditto that,
my brother.
527
00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:39,114
Look what's on his computer.
528
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,533
What is that,
a squid's eye, or--
529
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,786
It's my left breast.
530
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:46,121
How did you--
531
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:48,206
Right place
at the right time.
532
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,460
Oh.
What's that smell?
533
00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:53,545
What smell?
534
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,338
It's...
535
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:59,134
Must be air freshener
plugged in somewhere.
536
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,969
It smells
like a funeral home.
537
00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:02,429
Oh, I'll help you
find it.
538
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:08,018
Oh, you know what?
Never--never mind.
539
00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:09,436
What is it?
540
00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:10,478
I--I think
541
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,439
I'm just allergic
to your perfume.
542
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,190
My perfume?
543
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:16,067
It's just
my crazy nose.
544
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:17,152
I'm, um...
545
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,446
used to different smells.
546
00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,656
Bob Vance bought
this perfume for me
547
00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:23,283
in metropolitan Orlando.
548
00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,160
It's made from real pine.
549
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:26,911
Who's Bob Vance?
550
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:30,165
You have a lot to learn
about this town, sweetie.
551
00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:35,420
I don't know who these
new people think they are.
552
00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:39,299
I've sat downwind of Phyllis'
stinky perfumes for years.
553
00:21:39,341 --> 00:21:41,134
Never said a word.
554
00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:44,554
Can't we all get along?
555
00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:46,181
No, we can't.
556
00:21:46,222 --> 00:21:47,724
But here's the thing,
yes we can.
557
00:21:47,766 --> 00:21:52,354
Well, why not?
Because of differences.
558
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:55,023
Well, can we overcome
these differences?
559
00:21:55,065 --> 00:21:56,691
No.
560
00:21:56,733 --> 00:22:01,529
Can we find each other
and connect with each other
561
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:04,240
in spite of these differences?
562
00:22:04,282 --> 00:22:06,618
No, we can't.
563
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,620
But we have to try.
564
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:11,790
Hey, girls.
What's happening?
565
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:14,542
Starting to blend.
566
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,379
Well, before long,
if you guys keep hanging out,
567
00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:20,090
you are gonna share
the same menstrual cycle.
568
00:22:21,883 --> 00:22:23,760
People hate people
that are different from them.
569
00:22:23,802 --> 00:22:25,220
That's natural.
570
00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:27,681
But you know what makes people
forget their differences?
571
00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:29,057
A great show.
572
00:22:29,099 --> 00:22:32,143
That is why I created
the integration celebration.
573
00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:33,603
This is the moment
574
00:22:33,645 --> 00:22:36,898
when Scranton and Stamford
come together as one,
575
00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:39,609
united in applause.
576
00:22:41,444 --> 00:22:43,571
I know what a lot of you
must be thinking.
577
00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:45,281
"Wow, what a day.
578
00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:46,950
"It feels more like
a night at a party
579
00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:48,076
than a day at work."
580
00:22:48,118 --> 00:22:50,787
Well, in my opinion,
581
00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:54,833
business should feel
like a night out,
582
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,751
a night...
583
00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,336
at...
584
00:23:01,172 --> 00:23:02,549
the Roxbury.
585
00:23:03,591 --> 00:23:06,261
Okay, there's
supposed to be music.
586
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:07,804
And it's--I got it!
I got it!
587
00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:09,305
Dwight, just...
588
00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:11,016
Do you have batteries
in that? Stupid.
589
00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,559
Um...
590
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,645
[imitates Haddaway's
What is Love intro]
591
00:23:17,981 --> 00:23:19,315
That's it.
592
00:23:19,357 --> 00:23:20,734
♪ What is love *
That's it! Yes! Yes!
593
00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:21,776
♪ Baby,
don't hurt me * Okay.
594
00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:22,694
Okay, here we go.
595
00:23:22,736 --> 00:23:24,279
(both)
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
596
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,739
♪ No more ♪
597
00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,574
♪ What is love ♪
598
00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,034
♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪
599
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,160
Here we go.
Here we go. Uhh!
600
00:23:30,201 --> 00:23:31,119
♪ Don't hurt me *
Oh! Oh! No!
601
00:23:31,161 --> 00:23:32,954
♪ No more *
Oh! Oh!
602
00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:34,706
♪ Whoa whoa whoa *
Excuse me. Excuse me.
603
00:23:34,748 --> 00:23:35,749
Excuse me.
♪ Whoa whoa ♪
604
00:23:35,790 --> 00:23:37,375
(both)
♪ Whoa whoa whoa ♪
605
00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:38,418
♪ Whoa whoa ♪
606
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:39,961
♪ You me, you me,
Me you ♪
607
00:23:40,003 --> 00:23:41,796
♪ Bom bom-bom
bom-bom * ♪ You, me bom bom ♪
608
00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:43,423
♪ You me,
you you * ♪ Ooh ooh ♪
609
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:44,799
♪ You me,
you you * ♪ Bam bam ♪
610
00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:47,427
Oh, my nose is so itchy.
Why is my nose so itchy?
611
00:23:47,469 --> 00:23:49,763
Uh, probably because
of all the nose candy.
612
00:23:49,804 --> 00:23:53,308
[laughing]
613
00:23:53,350 --> 00:23:54,309
I told you these guys
have a sense of humor.
614
00:23:54,351 --> 00:23:55,852
Very funny, Michael.
615
00:23:55,894 --> 00:23:57,354
Okay, okay.
All right. Really funny, Michael.
616
00:23:57,395 --> 00:23:58,646
All right, all right,
I'm on a roll.
617
00:23:58,688 --> 00:24:00,482
Let's get serious
here for a sec.
618
00:24:00,523 --> 00:24:03,443
I need somebody
to pick a car.
619
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:05,153
One of the new people, please.
620
00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:06,696
Tony?
I'll do it.
621
00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:09,115
All right, good.
622
00:24:09,157 --> 00:24:11,785
Thank you.
Do not look at your card.
623
00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:16,915
Now, I've always said that
to be a great salesman
624
00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:20,168
is to have the ability to
connect with people right here.
625
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:23,171
So to be a great salesman
is to be
626
00:24:23,213 --> 00:24:25,256
A king of hearts.
627
00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:28,885
Turn over your card.
628
00:24:28,927 --> 00:24:30,345
King of hearts.
629
00:24:30,387 --> 00:24:31,638
Very good, Michael!
Really good.
630
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,056
Shut it!
631
00:24:33,098 --> 00:24:36,351
So I think in order for us all
to work together well,
632
00:24:36,393 --> 00:24:38,019
we must come together
as a family
633
00:24:38,061 --> 00:24:40,021
And then we can all be
634
00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:45,527
a king of hearts.
635
00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:48,446
[claps]
That was fantastic.
636
00:24:48,488 --> 00:24:50,490
No, no, it's better
than fantastic.
637
00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:51,950
It's super perfect.
638
00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:53,702
Dwight, don't be a suck up.
639
00:24:53,743 --> 00:24:57,038
Why are the new people
on the table?
640
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:58,540
To show them
641
00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:01,209
that we
are not above them.
642
00:25:01,251 --> 00:25:03,169
Shouldn't we be equals?
643
00:25:03,211 --> 00:25:05,422
Not today. No.
644
00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:09,134
Tony, please
join your cohorts
645
00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:11,553
on the table,
if you would.
646
00:25:12,929 --> 00:25:15,265
Uh, this is difficult
for me.
647
00:25:15,306 --> 00:25:17,517
Hey, I understand.
We're all friends.
648
00:25:17,559 --> 00:25:19,394
No, I mean,
I can't physically.
649
00:25:19,436 --> 00:25:20,979
I can't get
on the table.
650
00:25:21,021 --> 00:25:22,897
Oh, well...
651
00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:26,192
just use the momentum
652
00:25:26,234 --> 00:25:29,946
of your lower half
to hoist yourself up.
653
00:25:29,988 --> 00:25:31,948
Okay?
654
00:25:35,702 --> 00:25:37,412
You know what?
I'll help.
655
00:25:37,454 --> 00:25:38,621
I will help.
No. Please...
656
00:25:38,663 --> 00:25:39,748
don't.
657
00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:41,791
Don't be shy.
Dwight, let's do this.
658
00:25:41,833 --> 00:25:42,792
Come on.
We're doin' this thing.
659
00:25:42,834 --> 00:25:44,377
Ready? On three.
Let's get up.
660
00:25:44,419 --> 00:25:45,754
One, two--
Bend at the knees.
661
00:25:45,795 --> 00:25:46,921
Go!
Okay, here we go!
662
00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:48,048
Here we go.
663
00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:50,592
I'm under this--
I'm under this hock here.
664
00:25:50,633 --> 00:25:52,052
I don't know what
I'm grabbin' here.
665
00:25:52,093 --> 00:25:53,928
All right, all right, stop.
Put me down.
666
00:25:53,970 --> 00:25:55,555
Put me down.
Push it! Push it!
667
00:25:55,597 --> 00:25:56,723
I'm right
in your crack.
668
00:25:56,765 --> 00:25:58,266
Put me down now!
You're almost there!
669
00:25:58,308 --> 00:25:59,476
Put me down
right now!
670
00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:00,935
I've had enough!
You've got it.
671
00:26:00,977 --> 00:26:02,270
Put me down right now!
672
00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:03,313
Whoa whoa whoa!
Okay.
673
00:26:03,355 --> 00:26:05,398
Hey, hey. Easy. Easy.
674
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,691
I'm sorry.
675
00:26:06,733 --> 00:26:07,692
Don't--
676
00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:10,695
It's just not
going to work for me.
677
00:26:10,737 --> 00:26:12,447
I have to go.
678
00:26:12,489 --> 00:26:14,449
I don't understand.
679
00:26:14,491 --> 00:26:16,242
I was on the fence
about this,
680
00:26:16,284 --> 00:26:18,495
and it's just
not a good fit.
681
00:26:18,536 --> 00:26:20,121
Well, we'll
squeeze you in.
682
00:26:20,163 --> 00:26:22,040
I can't work here.
683
00:26:22,082 --> 00:26:23,667
I have to quit.
684
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,340
You can't quit
on the first day.
685
00:26:30,382 --> 00:26:32,717
That's...
heresy, my friend.
686
00:26:32,759 --> 00:26:34,678
Okay, let's
talk about this.
687
00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:36,471
What happened?
I mean, what--
688
00:26:36,513 --> 00:26:38,932
Was it Toby?
689
00:26:38,973 --> 00:26:42,686
Did he say something?
'Cause he's--
690
00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:46,606
No, Toby was helpful.
He was very kind.
691
00:26:46,648 --> 00:26:48,900
It's just
your management style.
692
00:26:51,403 --> 00:26:52,779
My management style?
693
00:26:52,821 --> 00:26:55,532
So...
694
00:26:55,573 --> 00:26:57,659
Didn't you think
Lazy Scranton was funny?
695
00:26:57,701 --> 00:26:59,119
No.
696
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,495
Was it supposed to be funny?
697
00:27:00,537 --> 00:27:02,664
Okay, well...
698
00:27:04,582 --> 00:27:06,793
Don't bother quitting
because you're fired.
699
00:27:06,835 --> 00:27:08,044
Excuse me?
700
00:27:08,086 --> 00:27:09,713
You are fired!
701
00:27:09,754 --> 00:27:12,549
I'm sorry, but we don't
have quitters on this team.
702
00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:13,925
Just clean out
your desk!
703
00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:16,428
But there's nothing
in my desk except coupons.
704
00:27:16,469 --> 00:27:18,013
Don't try to apologize
to me, man.
705
00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:20,015
It's too late.
Just get out.
706
00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:23,601
Take your bad vibes
with you.
707
00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:25,562
That was my advice, remember?
708
00:27:25,603 --> 00:27:26,938
I'm the one who suggested
that you fire him.
709
00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:29,357
Probably the best advice
you ever gave me, Dwight.
710
00:27:29,399 --> 00:27:30,817
And what advice
711
00:27:30,859 --> 00:27:34,362
has Andy given to you today
that you have acted on?
712
00:27:34,404 --> 00:27:36,990
Would "none" be
an accurate estimate?
713
00:27:37,032 --> 00:27:40,452
None advice?
714
00:27:40,493 --> 00:27:43,913
[whispering]
Fire Andy.
715
00:27:43,955 --> 00:27:47,000
Dwight may have
won the battle,
716
00:27:47,042 --> 00:27:51,671
but I will win
the next battle.
717
00:27:51,713 --> 00:27:52,714
Tony was right.
718
00:27:52,756 --> 00:27:54,632
This environment
is dysfunctional.
719
00:27:54,674 --> 00:27:56,634
Well, maybe that's
because some people treat it
720
00:27:56,676 --> 00:27:58,428
like their own private
Hooters strip club.
721
00:27:58,470 --> 00:28:01,306
Whoa, Angela, hold on.
722
00:28:01,348 --> 00:28:02,724
Hooters is a restaurant
723
00:28:02,766 --> 00:28:04,976
with over 400 locations worldwide.
724
00:28:05,018 --> 00:28:06,728
Back to work.
We don't have to get along.
725
00:28:06,770 --> 00:28:07,896
We just have to work together.
726
00:28:07,937 --> 00:28:10,148
No, we do
have to get along.
727
00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:13,276
Can't we all
just get along?
728
00:28:13,318 --> 00:28:17,405
Or have we forgotten the words
of the Reverend King?
729
00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:19,991
The word "merger" comes
from the word "marriage."
730
00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:21,910
And that was what today
was supposed to be.
731
00:28:21,951 --> 00:28:25,413
The loving union
between people.
732
00:28:25,455 --> 00:28:28,083
Instead,
it has become like...
733
00:28:28,124 --> 00:28:31,670
when my mom
moved in with Jeff.
734
00:28:31,711 --> 00:28:35,548
And, once again,
it becomes my job to fix it.
735
00:28:35,590 --> 00:28:36,675
(Michael)
Hey!
736
00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:38,760
Hey, everybody!
Something happened!
737
00:28:38,802 --> 00:28:40,762
Those guys
from Vance Refrigeration,
738
00:28:40,804 --> 00:28:42,347
they let the air
out of our tires.
739
00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:43,848
What?!
Yeah! They punked us!
740
00:28:43,890 --> 00:28:45,517
They punked us good.
Come on.
741
00:28:45,558 --> 00:28:49,729
Come on.
742
00:28:49,771 --> 00:28:51,981
Does Bob Vance work
for Vance Refrigeration?
743
00:28:52,023 --> 00:28:54,192
Does he ever.
744
00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,199
Man, they
got us so bad.
745
00:29:01,241 --> 00:29:03,076
We cannot let 'em
get away with this.
746
00:29:03,118 --> 00:29:05,829
We have got to
pull together as one
747
00:29:05,870 --> 00:29:07,080
and steal
their refrigerators.
748
00:29:07,122 --> 00:29:08,498
Yeah!
Yeah?
749
00:29:08,540 --> 00:29:10,875
I don't think
we can do that.
750
00:29:10,917 --> 00:29:12,377
Go home, Toby. Just...
751
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:13,670
(Martin)
Hey!
752
00:29:13,712 --> 00:29:14,879
Why doesn't your car
have a flat tire?
753
00:29:14,921 --> 00:29:16,506
Why?
I will tell you why.
754
00:29:16,548 --> 00:29:19,843
Because they saved
the worst for me.
755
00:29:19,884 --> 00:29:22,721
They put a hate note
under my windshield wiper.
756
00:29:22,762 --> 00:29:24,347
Check this out.
It's so hateful.
757
00:29:24,389 --> 00:29:25,849
"You guys suck!
758
00:29:25,890 --> 00:29:28,018
"You can never
pull together as one
759
00:29:28,059 --> 00:29:28,935
"and revenge us.
760
00:29:28,977 --> 00:29:30,687
That is why
you suck."
761
00:29:30,729 --> 00:29:32,522
(Hannah)
For crying out loud.
762
00:29:32,564 --> 00:29:34,482
No. No, no, no, no.
763
00:29:34,524 --> 00:29:35,775
No.
You are falling for it.
764
00:29:35,817 --> 00:29:37,193
You are playing
right into their hands.
765
00:29:37,235 --> 00:29:38,695
This is just what
they want you to do.
766
00:29:38,737 --> 00:29:40,030
Man, what is with
this guy?
767
00:29:40,071 --> 00:29:41,990
(Stanley)
Got an hour? I'll try to explain.
768
00:29:45,702 --> 00:29:48,580
(Michael)
This is egregious!
769
00:29:49,914 --> 00:29:52,834
This is egregious!
770
00:29:52,876 --> 00:29:55,253
Trust me, it only gets worse.
771
00:29:55,295 --> 00:29:56,671
Is he always like this?
772
00:29:56,713 --> 00:29:58,298
Sometimes he brings
more costumes.
773
00:29:58,340 --> 00:30:00,633
Hmm.
When do people work?
774
00:30:00,675 --> 00:30:03,261
Oh, we find little times
during the day.
775
00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:04,929
How are we gonna get home?
776
00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:06,473
Bob Vance has an air pump.
777
00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:08,558
He said he'd fill
all our tires up.
778
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,685
Bob Vance
of Vance Refrigeration.
779
00:30:12,312 --> 00:30:13,772
See that?
780
00:30:13,813 --> 00:30:15,648
Mission accomplished.
781
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,692
They're like a bunch
of fourth graders.
782
00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:20,362
Sometimes what brings
the kids together
783
00:30:20,403 --> 00:30:22,405
is hating
the lunch lady.
784
00:30:22,447 --> 00:30:23,907
Although that'll change
785
00:30:23,948 --> 00:30:26,951
because by the end
of the fourth grade,
786
00:30:26,993 --> 00:30:28,912
the lunch lady
was actually the person
787
00:30:28,953 --> 00:30:31,289
I hung out with
the most.
788
00:30:31,331 --> 00:30:33,625
[telephone rings]
789
00:30:36,044 --> 00:30:36,878
Jello!
790
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:37,962
(Jan)
Michael.
791
00:30:38,004 --> 00:30:39,506
Hi, Jan!
792
00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:40,799
Did you fire Tony Gardner
when he was trying to quit?
793
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:44,177
I did.
Major personnel crisis averted.
794
00:30:44,219 --> 00:30:45,595
Compliment accepted.
795
00:30:45,637 --> 00:30:47,138
Do you realize, Michael,
796
00:30:47,180 --> 00:30:49,641
that we now have
to pay him severance?
797
00:30:49,683 --> 00:30:51,643
Yes.
798
00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:53,353
You do?
799
00:30:53,395 --> 00:30:54,604
But do you realize that
800
00:30:54,646 --> 00:30:56,439
that was actually
Dwight's idea?
801
00:30:56,481 --> 00:30:58,108
Bad advice from my number two.
802
00:30:58,149 --> 00:31:01,277
What? No, no, no.
Jim is your number two.
803
00:31:01,319 --> 00:31:02,737
What?
804
00:31:02,779 --> 00:31:04,989
He's the only one who
has worked with both groups.
805
00:31:05,031 --> 00:31:07,951
I sent you
a memo about this.
806
00:31:07,992 --> 00:31:11,246
Yes, I know that,
for I do read the memos.
807
00:31:13,081 --> 00:31:14,457
So, after a great deal
of thought
808
00:31:14,499 --> 00:31:16,751
and introspective-shun,
809
00:31:16,793 --> 00:31:18,461
I have decided
to make Jim
810
00:31:18,503 --> 00:31:20,672
my new number two.
811
00:31:21,923 --> 00:31:23,550
If he even wants it.
812
00:31:23,591 --> 00:31:24,759
It doesn't come
with a pay raise.
813
00:31:24,801 --> 00:31:26,720
No, it does, actually.
814
00:31:26,761 --> 00:31:29,848
So who will be
your new number three?
815
00:31:29,889 --> 00:31:32,058
Uh, that I have not
decided yet.
816
00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:33,810
Michael, I would just
like to say
817
00:31:33,852 --> 00:31:36,354
that you have handled
this entire situation
818
00:31:36,396 --> 00:31:38,064
with great aplomb.
819
00:31:38,106 --> 00:31:40,775
Thank you, Andy.
That's very kind.
820
00:31:40,817 --> 00:31:42,652
And I have to say
that your leadership--
821
00:31:42,694 --> 00:31:43,653
Shut it.
822
00:31:43,695 --> 00:31:44,654
Shut it.
823
00:31:44,696 --> 00:31:47,532
That's...
824
00:31:47,574 --> 00:31:49,659
[whispers]
Suck-up.
825
00:31:49,701 --> 00:31:52,245
And it is inspiring to me
826
00:31:52,287 --> 00:31:55,248
to watch you navigate
these murky waters.
827
00:31:55,290 --> 00:31:56,708
Okay.
828
00:31:56,750 --> 00:31:57,834
(Dwight)
[coughs] Bull[bleep].
829
00:31:57,876 --> 00:31:59,711
[clears throat]
Sorry.
830
00:31:59,753 --> 00:32:01,254
We heard it.
831
00:32:01,296 --> 00:32:02,505
We heard what you said.
832
00:32:02,547 --> 00:32:04,466
You didn't cover it at all.
833
00:32:04,507 --> 00:32:06,634
I had a...
834
00:32:06,676 --> 00:32:07,761
tickle in my throat.
835
00:32:07,802 --> 00:32:09,554
They're gonna have--
836
00:32:09,596 --> 00:32:11,681
You can't say that, all right?
837
00:32:11,723 --> 00:32:13,808
I can't say--
[coughs]
838
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,479
[coughs]
Idiot.
839
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,773
[coughing]
Dwight's an idiot.
840
00:32:19,814 --> 00:32:22,859
Did you catch that,
or did the cough cover it?
841
00:32:22,901 --> 00:32:24,527
Sometimes it hurts, Michael.
842
00:32:24,569 --> 00:32:26,488
(Michael)
[coughing] What a jerk!
843
00:32:26,529 --> 00:32:28,239
[coughs]
Dwight's a jerk.
844
00:32:29,949 --> 00:32:32,744
[cell phone rings]
845
00:32:34,621 --> 00:32:36,998
Hey.
Where you at, Filipelli?
846
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,709
[Karen on phone]
I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew
847
00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:41,252
to give myself
a lobotomy.
848
00:32:41,294 --> 00:32:42,545
[laughs]
849
00:32:42,587 --> 00:32:44,464
What's wrong, you didn't
have a good first day?
850
00:32:44,506 --> 00:32:46,132
Oh, my God.
851
00:32:46,174 --> 00:32:47,926
Hey, you want to meet
at Cooper's in an hour?
852
00:32:47,967 --> 00:32:49,094
I need a drink.
853
00:32:49,135 --> 00:32:51,179
Yeah, sure.
Sounds good.
854
00:32:51,221 --> 00:32:52,555
I--
855
00:32:52,597 --> 00:32:53,848
Hey, you know what?
856
00:32:53,890 --> 00:32:54,891
Can I give you a call
right back?
857
00:32:54,933 --> 00:32:56,226
Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
858
00:32:56,267 --> 00:32:57,977
Okay.
859
00:32:58,019 --> 00:32:59,771
(Jim)
Hey.
860
00:32:59,813 --> 00:33:01,064
Hey.
861
00:33:01,106 --> 00:33:02,732
I thought you
had already left.
862
00:33:02,774 --> 00:33:04,025
Uh... no.
863
00:33:04,067 --> 00:33:05,610
I just had some
864
00:33:05,652 --> 00:33:07,487
other stuff
I had to do. Oh, good.
865
00:33:07,529 --> 00:33:08,530
What's up?
866
00:33:08,571 --> 00:33:09,989
Oh, nothing.
I just feel bad.
867
00:33:10,031 --> 00:33:11,408
I feel like things
were a little weird today
868
00:33:11,449 --> 00:33:12,409
or something.
869
00:33:12,450 --> 00:33:13,910
What do you mean?
870
00:33:13,952 --> 00:33:16,454
I just think
I should tell you
871
00:33:16,496 --> 00:33:19,499
that I've sort of
started seeing someone,
872
00:33:19,541 --> 00:33:21,292
Oh.
and, uh...
873
00:33:21,334 --> 00:33:22,669
That's totally cool.
874
00:33:22,711 --> 00:33:24,587
You can do
whatever you want.
875
00:33:24,629 --> 00:33:27,257
Oh. Okay, uh...
876
00:33:27,298 --> 00:33:28,591
Good.
877
00:33:28,633 --> 00:33:29,801
We're friends.
878
00:33:29,843 --> 00:33:31,344
We'll always be friends.
879
00:33:31,386 --> 00:33:33,138
Right.
880
00:33:34,723 --> 00:33:36,349
It's good
to have you back.
881
00:33:36,391 --> 00:33:37,392
Yeah.
882
00:33:37,434 --> 00:33:39,310
Good to be back.
883
00:33:53,033 --> 00:33:54,492
I saw your dork-mobile
in the parking lot.
884
00:33:54,534 --> 00:33:56,077
What does it get?
Like, four miles to the gallon?
885
00:33:56,119 --> 00:33:57,287
Uh, try double that.
886
00:33:57,328 --> 00:33:59,664
Classic Trans Am,
vintage American muscle?
887
00:33:59,706 --> 00:34:00,832
Please.
888
00:34:00,874 --> 00:34:02,584
Yeah, my Xterra
is pretty sweet.
889
00:34:02,625 --> 00:34:04,502
Luxurious, yet rugged.
890
00:34:04,544 --> 00:34:05,712
Leave it to the Japanese.
891
00:34:05,754 --> 00:34:07,172
Xterra's not even
a real word.
892
00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:09,966
Actually, it is.
It's Latin for "earth."
893
00:34:10,008 --> 00:34:11,676
Oh, so you drive
an X-earth.
894
00:34:11,718 --> 00:34:13,136
Yeah, that makes sense.
895
00:34:13,178 --> 00:34:15,680
I'd rather drive
a classic Trans Am
896
00:34:15,722 --> 00:34:17,682
than an X-earth.
897
00:34:17,724 --> 00:34:19,142
Yeah, I bet you would.
898
00:34:19,184 --> 00:34:21,061
Oh, by the way,
1985 called.
899
00:34:21,102 --> 00:34:22,312
It wants its car back.
900
00:34:22,354 --> 00:34:24,481
Well, I hope 1985
has a time machine,
901
00:34:24,522 --> 00:34:25,732
'cause I drive an '87.
902
00:34:25,774 --> 00:34:27,233
Oh, speaking of time machines,
903
00:34:27,275 --> 00:34:28,860
I just back from the future
and I went to your funeral,
904
00:34:28,902 --> 00:34:29,944
and guess what?
905
00:34:29,986 --> 00:34:31,237
Nobody came.
906
00:34:31,279 --> 00:34:34,574
Speaking of funerals,
why don't you go ahead
907
00:34:34,616 --> 00:34:36,117
and go die?
908
00:34:36,159 --> 00:34:40,288
Oh, that was a really
well-constructed sentence.
909
00:34:40,330 --> 00:34:42,248
You should be
an English professor
910
00:34:42,290 --> 00:34:45,251
at Cor-Not University.
911
00:34:45,293 --> 00:34:46,670
Idiot.
912
00:34:46,711 --> 00:34:49,255
If I were an idiot,
I'd be driving a Trans Am.
913
00:34:49,297 --> 00:34:50,924
If you were driving
a Trans Am,
914
00:34:50,965 --> 00:34:52,133
you would be
the smartest idiot
915
00:34:52,175 --> 00:34:53,885
in the whole world.
916
00:34:53,927 --> 00:34:57,055
[coughs]
Idiot.
917
00:34:57,097 --> 00:34:59,307
[coughing]
You're the idiot.
918
00:34:59,349 --> 00:35:01,142
[coughing]
Nice comeback.
919
00:35:01,184 --> 00:35:03,353
[coughing] I was
making fun of your comeback.
920
00:35:03,395 --> 00:35:05,188
[coughing]
That's why it worked.
921
00:35:08,191 --> 00:35:10,443
Totally got the best
of that interchange.
922
00:35:10,485 --> 00:35:12,612
[coughing]
62597
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