All language subtitles for The Office Superfan Episodes S03E01 Gay Witch Hunt Extended Cut 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

[blows]

(Ryan)
Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore.

I got Jim's, uh, old job.

Which means, at my ten-year
high school reunion,

it will not say,
"Ryan Howard is a temp."

It will say, "Ryan Howard
is a junior sales associate

at a mid-range
paper supply firm."

That'll show 'em.

You have no idea

how long I've wanted
to do that.

Me too.

I think we're just drunk.

No, I'm not drunk.

Are you drunk?

No.

Jim.

You're really
gonna marry him?

Okay.

[pretending to cry]
Jim is gone.

He's gone.
I miss him so much.

Oh, I cry myself to sleep. Jim.

False.
I do not miss him.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ ♪

(Jan) Okay, what is your goal
for after lunch?

I will do my job to
the best of my abilities.

(Jan) So that's hopeless. Specifically.

I will do
my regional manager job

to the best of my capabilities.

(Jan)
Specifically, Michael.

Specifically...

Jan, I will make at least ten
phone calls to clients.

Yes, I have to begin every day
by letting Jan know

what I intend to accomplish,

and then I have to call her
at the end of the day

to tell her
what I did accomplish.

But's not mandatory.

It's something
that I wanted to do

and so it's voluntary, really,

even though she makes me.

(Michael) I think she just
wants to hear my voice,

because we're
no longer lovers,

and she's hurting.

But things are going well
with Carol.

I've seen her seven times
in the last three months,

and I'm growing
very fond of her kids,

Tommy, who I call Tomas,

and... the little girl.

(Jan) Are you
on the toilet, Michael?

No.

(Jan) Well, I know
sometimes you are,

and that you wouldn't tell me,

so I'm just gonna assume
that you are,

and... call me back
when you're finished.

Okay.

Michael...

No, that is the fun
of this place.

I call everybody "faggy."

Why would anyone
find that offensive?

Okay, I think Oscar would
just like if you used "lame"

or something like that.

That's what "faggy" means!

No, not really.
[Michael groans]

Apparently you
called Oscar faggy.

Yeah.

For liking the movie
Shakespeare in Love

more than an action movie.

It wasn't just an action movie,
it was Die Hard.

All right, Michael,
but Oscar's really gay.

Exactly.
I mean for real.

Yeah, I know.

No, he's attracted
to other men.

Okay, little too far.
Crossed the line.

Okay, I am telling you,
Oscar is an actual homosexual.

Yeah, he told me this morning.

And obviously he hopes he can
count on your discretion.

I would've never called him
that if I knew.

You don't--you don't call
retarded people retards.

It's bad taste.

You call your friends retards
when they're acting retarded.

And I consider Oscar a friend.

Listen, man,
I am so sorry.

I had no idea.

Oh, it's fine.

It's okay, it's okay.
No, no, it's not.

I just--
I feel terrible about it.

I...

I have been
calling people faggy

since I was in junior high,

and I have never
made this mistake.

If I don't know
how to behave,

it is because I am
just so far the opposite way.

You know?
I'm just--

I-I can't even imagine--
the... thing.

Maybe we could go out
for a beer sometime,

and you could tell me...

how you do that
to another dude.

That sounds like
a great, wonderful idea.

Let's do that.

[giggling]

It explains so much.

No, I'm not gay.

And I don't understand

why anyone would think
that I'm gay if...

[sighs]

Uh...

Yeah, I'm gay.

[giggling]

I can't say whether
Dunder Mifflin paper

is less flammable, sir,
but I can assure you

that it is certainly
not more flammable.

Why did I transfer
to Stamford?

I...think that's
pretty obvious.

I got promoted.

And you can't beat that view.

Right?

Hey, Big Tuna.

You're single, right?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I am.

Pretty hot, huh?

She's completely crazy.

[small laugh]

Steer clear,
Big Tuna.

Head for open waters.

Okay.

Okay.

(Jim)
I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day,

so Andy started calling me
Big Tuna.

I don't think any of them
actually know my real name.

Big Tuna is a super ambitious
guy, you know?

Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead
type of guy.

But, I mean,
I'm not threatened by him.

I went to Cornell.

You ever heard of it?

I graduated in four years,
I never studied once,

I was drunk
the whole time,

and I sang in
the a capella group,

"Here Comes Treble."

[quiet pumping]

Do you mind?

Can you put that away?
Nobody wants to see your udder.

So, end of day,
we are going to have

a little diversity
policy freshener,

because of some more problems
at the Scranton branch.

And I have a list
of business startups

I got from the Chamber.

[employees groan]
Yes.

I am going to need someone
to cold call them.

Oh, I can do that.

Jim's nice enough.

I don't--I don't know
how well he's fitting in here.

He's always looking
at the camera like this.

What is that?

Can you tell who's gay
and who's not?

Of course.

My dad taught me.

My grandfather taught me
how to find Communists.

What about Oscar?

Absolutely not.

Well, he is.

Well, he's not dressed
in women's clothes, so...

[Michael sighs deeply]

There could be others.

I need to know.

I don't want to offend
anybody else.

You could assume
everyone is,

and not say anything offensive.

Yeah.

I'm sure everyone
would appreciate

me treating them
like they were gay.

Hey, what about Angela?

She's hard and severe.

She could be
a gay woman.

I really don't think so.

I don't know.

I can imagine her
with another woman.

Can't you?

Do some research.

Find out if there's
a way to tell

by just looking at 'em.

Jim told me you could
buy gaydar online.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, probably.

He didn't
tell the truth a lot.

Let's call him
and get the website.

Definitely.

What's gaydar?

Oh, oh, gaydar, yes!

No, uh, I think they have it
at Sharper Image.

Oh, you know what?
I can check for you.

No problem.

[bangs keys loudly]

It's sold out.

Yeah, sorry about that.
That's a bummer.

Well, they're sold out.

Damn.

I'll try Brookstone.

I miss that.

[door opens]

Chicken or fish?

Uh... chicken.

So, you, uh,
having a good day?

Excellent.
Thanks.

Good.
I'm glad.

Okay.

(Pam)
Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding.

I got cold feet
a few days before,

and...
I can't really explain it.

I just had to get out
of that relationship.

We still had to pay
for all the food.

So we froze it.

But I'm... I'm doing well.

I have my own apartment,

and I'm taking art classes,

and I have lunch
for the next five weeks.

After Pam dumped me,
I, um...

I kinda stopped taking care
of myself for a while there,

and, uh...

I hit bottom when, uh...

I had a drunk driving arrest.

I've been working out,
and, um...

you know, I'm not
gonna take her for granted.

I gotta win her back.

I got them a toaster.

They called off the wedding and
gave the toaster back to me.

I tried to return the toaster
to the store,

and they said they no longer
sold that kind of toaster.

So now my house
has got two toasters.

It is so cool
that you're gay.

I totally underestimated you.

Yes, I am super cool.

I am an accountant

at a failing
paper supply company.

In Scranton.

Much like, uh,
Sir Ian McKellen.

(Angela)
Sure, sometimes I watch Will & Grace.

And I want to throw up.

It's terribly loud.

I do like it sometimes,
when Harry Connick Jr. is on.

He's so talented.

Okay.

Who put my calculator
in Jell-O?

(Andy)
Good one.

But, uh, seriously.

Guys, who did this?

Seriously, guys.

Who did this?

I need to know

who put my calculator
in Jell-O

or I'm gonna lose
my freakin' mind!

(Jan)
You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age,

you could be so... obtuse

about sexual orientation.

I watch The L Word, okay?

Good, good.

I watch Queer as [bleep].

So...
That's not what it's called.

(Toby)
Okay, Michael,

are you aware
that you outed Oscar today?

What?
What does that even--

Coming out
is a significant moment

for a gay person.

And they should be allowed

to select the timing
and manner of announcing it.

Well, gay pride, right?

Gay pride parade?

It's not like...
Gay Shame Festival.

All right, now Oscar's feeling
discriminated against

by his coworkers,
primarily Angela,

and, um...

That's your fault.

I think Angela
might be gay.

Could Oscar and Angela

be having a gay affair?

(Jan)
No-- Maybe.

Is that what
this is about? No.

I don't--

No.
It's not possible.

Anything's possible.

Okay, you know, imagine...
you were gay.

[laughs]

Well, I'm not gay, Jan,

and you should know that
better than anybody.

Michael.
Hmm?

Your immaturity
is extremely disappointing

and may even lead
to a lawsuit,

which is the absolute
last thing this company needs

right now,
do you understand?

I know.

The company has made it
my responsibility today

to put an end
to 100,000 years

of being weirded out
by gays.

And how are
those ten calls coming?

Hi, Jan.

Michael, may I have permission
to remove that SafeSearch lock

from the computer
for our little project?

You know how to do that?
Yes.

Fine.
Show me how to do it later.

I am a worldly person.

I know every kind of person
you can think of,

really,
but I've never known a gay.

Or anyone from the south.

Or anyone from Rhode Island, actually.

Do you think
that you can be gay

and not know it?

No.

I don't think so.

That is correct.

Oh, they know all right.

They know.

Can I help you?

Pink Snoballs.

What about 'em?

Check your fingernails.

Damn it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry about that.

Okay, so every time I go
to dial an outside line,

someone picks up
and speaks in Chinese.

[speaking Chinese]

You know, maybe someone
programmed your line

to speed dial Hong Kong.

Thank you.

Very nice.

It's funny, because,
back at the old office,

I pulled pranks like that--
[yawns]

Just don't be such a suck-up.

He's not gonna make you king of
the world, just his assistant.

I'm not his assistant.

Assistant regional...

manager.

Hey, honey, you holding up?

Yep.

Yeah?

I'm painting
my new apartment tonight.

Oh, good.
By yourself?

Yes.

Oh, well, hang in there.
Okay?

You know what?

You should get one of
those big body pillows.

That way you wouldn't miss
You-Know-Who so much.

Thanks.
Roy.

Right.

What do I think?
I think everybody should

just stay out of
everybody's personal business.

Am I the first gay man
you ever knew?

Trick question.

Because you can't
always tell,

so how would I know?

Was that the right answer?

[knocking on door]

Yep?
Michael...

Dwight's looking at gay
pornography on his computer.

Uh, Michael knows, Pam.

Okay, he asked me to do this
just for him.

He has his own reasons.

[Michael sighs]

Phew, okay.

Nothing wrong with this stuff.

At all.
This is fine.

You know what?

Gay porn, straight porn,
it's all good.

I don't particularly
get into this,

but, uh...

You know what?

I totally see the merit.

And, actually...

It is quite beautiful.

Oh, damn popups.
What are you doing?

Watching some
of your friends.

This is stupid.

Excuse me.
Don't touch me.

Help! Ow.

[Dwight screams]
Whoa, whoa, whoa--

Whoa, whoa.
Stop it.

All right, everybody
in the conference room.

[shouting]
I don't care

if you are gay or straight
or a lesbian, or overweight.

Just get in here!
Right now!

Did you know that "gay"

used to mean "happy"?

When I was growing up,
it meant "lame."

And now,
it means a man

who makes love
to other men.

We're all homos.
Homo sapiens.

Gays aren't necessarily who
you think they are, people.

What?

I mean, anybody
can be gay.

Businessmen.

Like antique dealers,

or hairdressers,

or... accountants.

Oscar, why don't you

take this opportunity
to officially come out

to everybody here,

however you want to do it.

Go ahead.

Stand up.

I actually told Michael
during my job interview

that I was gay.

And he laughed and laughed
and laughed.

He said I was the most
hilarious person he ever met.

He gave me the job on the spot.

That's the only reason
that I've kept my mouth shut.

I'm doing this for you.

Yes, I'm gay.

And...

I didn't plan on sharing
that part of my life

with you today, so... whatever.

Can I sit down now?

(Creed)
I am not offended by homosexuality.

In the '60s, I made love
to many, many women.

Often outdoors.

In the mud and the rain.

And it's possible
a man slipped in.

There would be no way
of knowing.

Who should be
the judges and juries

of our society?

Judges and juries.

Yes, that's a good point.
She has a good point.

Because gay marriage, currently,

is not legal
under U.S. law.

I bet a lot
of straight men

wish that applied to them.

So they could go out there
and have some

torrid, unabashed,
monkey sex.

As much as they could.

You know,
sounds pretty good, right?

That sounds great.

Yeah, Dwight?

I think all
the other office gays

should identify themselves,
or I will do it for them.

No one else in this office
is gay.

What about Phyllis?

She makes absolutely
no attempt to be feminine.

I'm getting married
to Bob Vance.

(Stanley)
You are?

(all)
Congratulations.

When did you get that?

(Michael)
That's great.

Congratulations, Phyllis.
That is great.

And frankly,
kind of amazing.

[laughs]

See? Everybody has a chance.

Thank you.
But still,

Phyllis...

In college,

did you ever experiment
with other women?

A lot of women do.

No, and you knew me
in high school.

Of course, we all thought
you were gay in high school.

[laughs]
Right.

Ha, ha!

And I take that
as a compliment.

Well, with your ties
and your matching socks--

Well, I just liked
to look good, okay, so--

You sound pretty defensive, Michael.

No, I am just
coming out myself.

I am coming out hetero.

I think the problem
with this office

is that you
are sending mixed signals

about my being here.

No, no. No.

The only signal
that I am sending is,

"Gay good."

Look, if I was gay,

I would be the most flamboyant
gay you've ever seen.

I would be leading the parade
covered in feathers,

and just...

I'd be waving
that rainbow flag.

[giggling]

I don't think
I can work here any longer.

This has been the worst,
most backwards day of my life.

You misunderstand--okay.
All right.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-bop.

You know what?
Okay. Okay.

I, uh... I'm gonna put my money
where my mouth is.

You ready?

What are you doing?

I am going to embrace Oscar.

You might want
to watch this, Angela,

because you can't
catch anything.

Here we go.
(Oscar) No.

We are going
to make a statement.

You and I are going
to make a statement together.

Oscar is my friend.
I'd rather not.

And I just don't care
who sees it.

Doesn't bother me.

I really would--would--
I'd really rather not.

Come here, friend.
You're my friend.

[screaming]
No, no!

I don't want to touch you.

Ever considered that?

You're ignorant.

And insulting.
And small.

Okay.

All right.

Um...

I'm sorry, Michael.

Michael.
I'm sorry.

That was a good idea.

Come on.

Come on.

All right.

[crying]
I'm sorry I called you "faggy."

I know, I know.
I know you are. You're not faggy.

You're a good guy.
You too.

(Dwight)
Michael appears to be gay too.

And yet, he is my friend.

I guess I do have
a gay friend.

You know what?
I'm gonna raise the stakes.

You don't...
really don't...

I want you
to watch this.

And I want you to burn this
into your brains.

I don't think we need to--
Because this is an image

that I want you people
to remember.

For a long time to come.

Whenever you come
into the office,

I want you to think
about this.

We don't need to--

Yes, we do.
What?

[employees groaning]

I did it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

See?

I'm still here.

We're all still here.

[Kevin applauding]

Oh, come on, Dwight!

Come on, man!

We are not
in the playground anymore.

There are new rules.

We have to be mature,
but we can't lose the spirit

of childlike wonder.

What is love, anyway?

Maybe it's supposed
to break all the rules.

Like me and Jan.

Or Oscar and some guy.

Life is short.

When two people
find each other,

what should stand
in their way?

(Mr. Brown)
It is very easy for you to be a hero.

All you need are honesty,
empathy, respect,

and open-mindedness.

I'm glad if today spurred
social change.

That's part of my job
as regional manager.

But you know what,
even if it didn't,

at least we put this matter
to bed.

That's what she said.

Or he said.

Oh, there's Gil,
Oscar's roommate.

I wonder if he knows.

I was going to quit,
but Jan offered me

a three-month paid vacation
and a company car.

All I had to do was sign
something saying I won't sue.

Gil and I
are going to Europe.

Kids, sometimes
it pays to be gay.

"I hope this helps.

Jim."

Nice.

What are you doing?
Shh.

Don't be scared.

[machine whines]

It works.

[laughs]

[machine whining]

Oh, no.

[machine whining]