All language subtitles for 1980 - The Nude Bomb di Clive Donner (sceneggiatura Mel Brooks)

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org

You're always there when I need you

I can count on you all right

If the world would end I'd just call you

And you'd fix it overnight

If I wanted the sun

I bet you

Would deliver it to me

You're always there when I need you

And I need you constantly

These are dangerous days

we're living in

And many times I feel like giving in

But I never, never do

Instead I turn to you

You're too smart to be true

You're always there when I need you

Heaven must have sent you here

It's a miracle somehow

You make disasters disappear

You make everything I'm feeling

There is nothing you won't try

You're always there when I need you

And I'll need you till I die

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

You're always there when I need you

I can count on you all right

If the world would end I'd just call you

And you'd fix it overnight

If you wanted the sun I bet you

You'd deliver it to me

You're always there when I need you

And I need you constantly

Oh, I'm gonna need you, baby

Oh, baby, baby, baby

I'm gonna need you, baby

Gonna need you, babe

You're always there

I'm gonna need you, baby

Hey, your boot's ringing.

Oh, is that my boot?
I thought it was yours.

Yes, well, I think I'll take it outside.

Answer it here.

Yeah, answer it here.

Yeah, on second thought,

I think I'll answer it here.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 here.

Max, this is the Chief

This better be important, Chief.

What is your situation?

Well, I'm 10,000 feet in the air,

facing a squad of killers,

who, I think, know who I am.

How many?

Well, counting the guy
with the gun in my face, 18.

Get rid of them and get
back here immediately

Right, Chief.

Well, gentlemen, sorry,
but orders are orders.

All right, you guys stay here.

I'll go out and get
him and bring him back.

What is it now, Chief?

Max, I wanna know what's happening.

I'm falling at a speed
of 120 miles an hour

from a height of
approximately 8,000 feet.

I'm gonna open my parachute.

Should be on the ground in two minutes.

Would you believe? Two seconds.

Nations of the world,

this is KAOS

The all powerful organization
of evil and tyranny

speaking to you from
our secret headquarters.

We have in our power

a devastating new weapon,

capable of systematically destroying

all known fabrics
which exist in the world.

It is called the Nude Bomb.

I am prepared to detonate

this bomb in every single nation,

eradicating each fiber,
every last swatch of cloth,

rendering the entire
world completely nude.

Every man, woman and child

on the face of this Earth

is at the mercy of KAOS
if our demands are not met.

These demands will be forthcoming.

That is all for now. Have a nice day.

Good work, 86. You made it.

Hello, Chief.

Well, I see you're using the stair ramp.

Pretty tight security, eh? What's up?

A big one, 86. KAOS.

KAOS?

The international organization
of evil and rottenness, eh?

We're really up against
it this time, 86.

The fate of the entire
world is in your hands.

Oh, no, not again.

Well, okay, this time.

But next week I'm on vacation, Chief.

If you get in trouble
then, it's your ass.

You know, Chief, this Nude Bomb

might solve a lot of problems.

Such as?

Well, for one thing, flashers.

Only you would think of that, Max.

That's why they pay me the big bucks.

And there'd be no more trouble

with concealed weapons.

I mean, if everyone is nude,

there'll be no place to
hide a gun or a knife.

Well, there is a place
but it could be painful.

Activate the wash.

This is your team.

Now, Larabee, you already know.

Why don't the rest of you
just introduce yourselves?

My name is Carruthers...

Just a minute. Ladies first, please.

I'm Agent 36

and I can't tell you how
thrilled I am to be working

with the world's most
well-known secret agent.

The Maxwell Smart.

Oh, you've heard of me.

Who hasn't? You're a legend, 86.

While I was studying
with the Spy Academy,

I reviewed every one of your cases.

Oh.

Well, wouldn't you like

to hear my side of the story?

They think you're wonderful.

Oh, you have heard my side of the story.

I'm Dr. Jerry Krovney

and this is my sister, Dr. Pam Krovney.

No kidding?

Listen, Doc, I got a little
pain right about here.

See, I went to this Japanese restaurant

and I had a chili dog and I got a...

Max, Max, they're not medical doctors,

they're doctors in the
field of technology.

They are computer analysts.

You're kidding? That's fantastic.

Thank you.

Okay old-timer, you're next.

My name is Carruthers.

I'm in charge of special tactical

weaponry and logistical support.

I'm responsible for your life

while you're on this assignment.

Well, I certainly hope
you're up to it, old-timer,

because there are a
lot of people out there

that would like to see me dead.

They're not all out there.

Deactivate the wash.

By the way, Chief,

what was the nation's reaction

to the KAOS broadcast?

- Were they frightened?
- Angry.

Angry?

Well, they interrupted a soap opera.

- Which one?
- As The Earth Turns.

Well, I don't blame them.

That's my favorite soap opera.

Do you realize that
Jessica is knocked up...

Max, Max, please, please.

Could we get on with this, please?

Rendezvous point one.

The President should be calling

in a minute and 20 seconds.

He's gonna let us
know where to meet him.

Chief, your rear-view pipe.

What about it? You got it?

Yes. Let me have it.

What's the matter?

I think we're being followed.

I was right. Duck, Chief.

Max!

She's on our side.

She's one of your team.

22 has been assigned to back you up.

Agent 86, Agent 22.

You shot at me.

I'm sorry.

But you drew your gun

and I had to protect myself.

Well, you could have killed me.

Oh, no. I aimed for your gun.

I put my bullet in your barrel.

You put your bullet in my barrel?

Max?

Of course, the old
bullet-in-the-barrel trick.

Well, suppose you'd missed and hit me.

Max, I want this to be a
harmonious relationship.

Well, I'm sorry if I
was out of line, 22.

I'm sure you're a very good marksperson,

but we all make mistakes.

And if there's one thing I've learned

in many, many years of experience,

is that you cannot be
too careful with your gun.

Excuse me.

Are you all right?

Missed it by that much.

Excuse me.

PITS.

Yes, Mr. President.

Right, Mr. President.

22, take cover.

Right, Chief.

See you later, 86. Right, 22.

22?

22?

Where the hell did she go?

You know she graduated
at the top of her class?

Majored in vanishing.

But she's always there
when you need her.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 here.

This is the President speaking.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. President?

Mr. Smart, because of the
highly sensitive nature

of this Nude Bomb threat,

I've arranged for us to rendezvous

in this unorthodox manner

than risk any form of security leak.

Any form of what, sir?

Security leak.

I'm sorry, sir, but I can't hear you

because of the traffic noise.

Security leak!

Oh, that? Yes, sir, thank you.

Mr. Smart, I've just
received the KAOS demands.

We're in severe trouble.

They're insisting the United
Nations pool its resources

and pay KAOS a monthly
rent of 10 billion dollars.

Well, that's blackmail, sir.

I know. But my information is

the United Nations is
ready to capitulate.

Oh, blow it out your ass!

Blow it out my what?

Oh, no, not you, 86.

Oh. Now, listen.

They've called an emergency session

of the Security Council.

They meet at noon.

Mr. Smart, I want you to be there.

Right, sir.

Now, you realize, Mr. Smart,

that once KAOS learns of your mission,

they'll stop at nothing.

You'll be in imminent
danger, constant jeopardy,

facing death at every turn.

And loving it.

I don't think Carruthers
expects us this early.

I hope he moved your things

over from your old apartment.

22, we'll be out in about five minutes.

Okay. Chief, you may have been followed.

A black truck just turned the corner.

- Well, check it out.
- Will do.

And stay out of sight.

Right.

Watch your step, 86.

Now, remember, Max, when
you use this entrance...

Got it, Chief.

You knock the bell and
ring the knocker, right?

Right.

As I was explaining, Max,

the door is the wall
and the wall is the door.

Unless you make the
mistake of ringing the bell

or knocking on the door,

then the wall will electrocute you.

You're early. I'm not ready.

Max just came to pick up
a few things, Carruthers.

We'll be out of your way in a minute.

All right, in that case,
I have in this box...

Now, just a minute, Carruthers.

Let me see if I get this straight.

What you're trying to tell me is that

that telephone activates that wall?

Actually it's not a telephone,

86, it's a master control panel.

There's another one over there.

Now, I have in this box...

Now wait a minute. What
do I use for a telephone?

That stapler. Now, I have in this...

A stapler telephone?

That's fantastic, Carruthers.

Can it also be used as a stapler?

No.

Oh, well, you better work on that.

What's in the box, Carruthers?

We don't have all day, you know.

We made you a new shoe phone, 86.

Touch tone dialing. Very good.

And in the event you're indisposed,

my latest innovation.

Shoe answer phone. Very
practical, Carruthers.

Now, when you wanna go to bed,

you press that top button there,

and it activates the bedroom wall.

And now, I've got to
activate your filing cabinet.

Well, Carruthers has really done

an exceptional job this time, hasn't he?

You know, you ought to thank him, Max.

You thank him, Chief.

The only thing that's
on my mind right now is

why is there a KAOS agent in my bedroom?

What the hell are you talking about?

Shh, listen.

Now, let's not be hasty, Max.

This could be one of Carruthers' men.

No chance. He would have mentioned it.

Look, just let me handle it, Chief,

and above all, try not to panic.

Drop that gun and put up your hands.

- Not you, Max.
- Right.

Come over here.

Who are you and what are you doing here?

I'm Harrington. I'm on
Carruthers' special staff.

I came in here to make

a last minute check
for hidden microphones.

A likely story. Don't trust him, Chief.

- Why not?
- Why not?

- Why not?
- Yes, why not?

Well, for one thing,
he has a foreign accent.

A foreign accent?

I don't hear any foreign accent.

What kind of an accent?

What kind of an accent?

Chinese.

Chinese?

Would you believe Japanese?

Max, not another word.

Italian?

Let's see your identification.

All right, Harrington, you can go.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Hey, Chief, have you ever seen this?

This is a picture of Agent 13 and me.

That's Agent 13 in the trash can.

Agent 13 would be terrific on this case.

No! You're already
dangerously overstaffed, Max.

But, Chief, Agent 13 is one of

the best undercover men in the business.

Why, he could be in a room

with you and you wouldn't even know it.

- No!
- I wish you would reconsider, Chief.

I'm telling you, Agent
13 is one of the best.

He's top drawer.

Bottom drawer, Max.

13, what are you doing here?

We always work together, don't we, Max?

Not on this job.

Ma...

Let's go.

Chief, Chief, believe me,

you cannot get anybody better

than Agent 13 for this job.

- 22, can I see you a minute?
- Sure, Chief.

Oh!

All right, all right,
you can have Agent 13.

- Thank you, Chief.
- What's up?

Well, Max has to go
to the United Nations

and you're gonna back him up.

Of course.

Good.

That girl worries me a lot, Chief.

Whatever happened to our regulations

regarding female agents?

They're supposed to be
unmarried, without dependents,

and willing to fool around a lot.

Here comes that black truck!

Of course, the old
big black truck trick.

Get down!

Max, take cover!

Max, watch out!

Well, Max, KAOS knows you're on the job.

I've never seen that maneuver before.

Falling over backwards
and coming up shooting!

When did you first think of that?

The second my foot hit this banana peel.

PITS has picked Maxwell
Smart to work against us.

But it's to our advantage.

Stop mumbling through that
ridiculous affectation.

This affectation, my dear
Nino, is more than a disguise.

It's my latest innovation.

Besides being perfectly coordinated

stylistically with this ensemble,

this fabric filters every last particle,

each microorganism of a polluted world.

I'm telling you, Maxwell
Smart has been put on the case!

Maxwell Smart is a fool and a bumbler.

So how do you explain how this bumbler

has been able to thwart KAOS

constantly in the past?

He's a lucky bumbler.

I also know an attempt
was made on his life.

Did you order that?

Yes, he's dangerous.

On the contrary, my dear
Nino, he's invaluable.

I planted a double agent in PITS.

Hence, we have on Maxwell Smart's team,

a constant conduit of information

who will apprise us
of every move he makes.

You're really taking over, aren't you?

I rather look upon my contribution

as an enormous help to both of us.

It's no help to have Smart go to the UN.

He could convince them
we don't mean business.

An antidote to that
is to drop the bombs.

Drop the bombs! That's all
you think, drop the bombs!

We'll drop the bombs
when I say drop the bombs!

Calm down, dear Nino.

I don't understand these outbursts.

You've become highly irrational

since that explosion in your laboratory.

When you lost your eye,

your arm, your leg, your larynx.

What's wrong with you?

You're a fool!

If we kill the goose,
where is the golden egg?

If we destroy the world,
who'll pay us the money?

However,

your plan does have some merit.

We'll drop just a few bombs.

Limited warfare!

Very civilized.

Present... Halt!

Let's give these fans what it's worth.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, please.

Let us not panic!

It is perfectly obvious to me

what has happened here.

KAOS has merely tried to confuse us

by using the old fake naked trick.

Of course, the old
fake naked trick. Yes!

What's the old fake naked trick?

They have employed and hired

hundreds of people to appear naked

in different countries
throughout the entire world.

It's an old trick, but
they have not fooled me.

In a top secret discussion
of such a sensitive nature,

we cannot risk being bugged.

I suggest that we activate
the Cones of Silence.

For security reasons,

we shall activate the Cones of Silence.

There are advantages to nudity.

It might eliminate war.

Without uniforms, no one
will know who the enemy is.

We will know.

We can have uniforms made out of metal.

Aluminum is good. It's light.

You can march in it.

You can paint your medals on it.

Uniforms! Uniforms! And stop already.

Where did your uniforms
get us in the last war?

I would advise you not
to talk to me like that.

You have relatives in Germany?

I can talk any way I like.

I got relatives in Chicago!

Gentlemen, trust me.

I know what I'm talking about.

There is no such thing as a Nude Bomb.

There never has been a Nude Bomb

and there never will be a Nude Bomb.

How was the UN, Max?

Very cooperative, Larabee.

It's a fine organization.

Max, I've been thinking about it,

and if they decide
to drop the Nude Bomb,

I know the answer.

- Well?
- Well what?

Don't you want to know the answer?

- No!
- Food.

Food?

Sure, the whole world
will start wearing food.

Larabee, that is the stupidest thing

I have ever heard in my entire life.

The whole world will start wearing food?

I have heard you say
some dumb things, Larabee,

but that's got to be the dumbest thing

I have ever heard
come out of your mouth!

People wearing food.

Forget it, Larabee, just forget it!

- Food!
- Jesus!

What kind of food?

Fruits, vegetables, fish,

but not too much red meat.

You wear red meat

a couple of times a week, that's plenty.

But this is crazy.

Why? We're just going back to the Bible.

Now what did Adam and Eve wear

to cover up the good parts?

Fig leaves. Now, that's fruit.

Now, you take a head of romaine lettuce.

That will clothe a family of six.

You buy a flank steak,

you throw it over your shoulders

and you got a stole.

Cantaloupe. You cut it in
half, scoop out the inside

and you got a bra.

What holds the bra up?

Linguini.

Linguini?

Larabee, that's insane.

Do you realize that the whole world

is facing a food shortage as it is?

Max, this will work.

People for the first time will know

where their next meal is coming from.

They'll be wearing it.

You'll wear it two or three
times, then you eat it.

Won't it spoil?

Not if you're neat.

What has neatness got to do with it?

Well, you can't take your clothes off

and throw them over a chair anymore.

You got to learn to fold them neatly

and put them in the refrigerator.

Larabee, you can just
drop me off in front.

Why are we going in this way?

Wait till you see
Carruthers' invention, Max.

See you later, Max.

Got our first break, Smart.

Man named Seigle responded

to the distribution of the photographs.

Said he'd call you back.

Don't tie up that stapler, Carruthers.

Seigle may call back any minute.

Carruthers here.

I'm leaving the stapler location.

I'll be at my piano
number in half an hour.

If you need me earlier,

call me on my jock strap,

but please, just ring once.

All right, Smart, I'll
explain this desk to you

and then get the hell out of here.

That won't be necessary, Carruthers.

I've seen desks before.

Not like this one.

This is the latest in
counterattack furniture.

The D-1 Turbocharger Desk Mobile.

This desk can go from
zero to 60 in five seconds

and can cruise at 80 miles an hour.

It was built at a cost of $12 million.

Get on.

See that key in the drawer?

Turn it.

Of course. The old dashboard
in the drawer trick.

To activate the armament,

you press the knob
marked "air-conditioning."

How do you turn on
the air-conditioning?

There is no air-conditioning.

There is no air-conditioning?

Are you kidding?

$12 million for this thing
and no air-conditioning?

You better work on that, Carruthers.

How much mileage do
you get on this thing?

Thirty-five on the highway,
12 in the living room.

Well, that's not bad
for an American make.

That's because it
doesn't run on gasoline.

It runs on ink.

This thing runs on ink?

That's fantastic, Carruthers!

Why, do you realize that could be

the answer to the fuel shortage?

I'm afraid not. Special kind of ink.

Comes from Saudi Arabia.

Well, Smart, that's it.

Make sure to change
drawers every 6,000 miles.

Mine or the desk's?

That depends on who's chasing you.

I'm sure I'll see you later.

It's been that kind of day.

22, don't do that to me!
How did you get in here?

- Through the wall.
- Through the wall?

Well, what do you want?

Well, I've been doing a lot
of thinking since we met,

and I feel we got off on the wrong foot.

You know, things would run

a lot smoother if we became friends.

Let's stop beating around the bush, 22.

What you're after is my body.

86!

Well, just put it out of your mind

because it won't work.

I don't know what you may have

heard about me, but I am not easy.

Look, I think you've got
this all wrong. I'll be...

I know, I know. You'll be gentle.

I've heard that one before.

Sure, and as soon as I
relax, you'll be all over me.

And then when the case is over,

I'll never hear from you again.

Max!

So now it's Max! See?

That's what I was afraid of!

Look, 22, when I'm on a
case, I don't fool around!

I mean, before a case, maybe!

After a case, definitely.
During a case, never!

- Never?
- Never!

- 22?
- Hmm?

After, definitely.

Freeze.

36, what are you doing in my bed?

Well, Carruthers called about Seigle.

I rushed right over
and you weren't here,

and I hadn't slept in 48 hours,

so I thought I'd take a
shower to wake myself up.

But it didn't work.

I'm sorry, Max, I guess
I fell asleep on the job.

I suppose nothing like
that's ever happened to you?

I'm going to change into my clothes.

Oh, Max, would you hand me

the bra and panties on the chair?

Max?

22?

Excuse me, I just got
instructions from Carruthers

to activate the voiceprint

monitoring system for the Seigle call

on all the extensions.

What was that?

What was what?

Didn't the toilet just flush?

The toilet, yes.

Well, that's another one
of Carruthers' inventions.

It's an automatic flusher.

You see, it flushes
every hour on the hour

whether you want it to or not.

It's also a clock.

Two flushes, that's two a flush. 2:00.

3:00.

Well, time certainly flies

when you're having fun, doesn't it?

Well, you should be running along,

22, it's getting kind of late.

What is that in your hand?

That? That's my bra.

Your bra?

Would you believe, my training bra?

Uh-uh.

22, I can explain this
bra in five seconds.

These panties are gonna
take a little longer.

It isn't necessary.

But it is necessary, 22.

You see, they're a disguise
from a former mission.

Max, where are my bra and panties?

36, you know 22. 22, 36.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, wait a minute, 22,
I can explain anything.

I mean, I can explain everything!

I did not know that
36 was in my bedroom.

When I came into my bedroom,

there was 36 lying on
my bed in my bathrobe.

So, then when I came in,

she was embarrassed, you see,

so she went into the bathroom

and she asked me to
bring in her clothes.

So, that's when I went
to get her clothes,

her panties and her bra, see?

And I went to bring them in.

That's when you came in,

she came out and that's the
whole story in a nutshell.

Well, what do you think?

Bullshit!

Bullshit.

This is the last time I ever
tell the truth to a woman.

Look, the next time you come over here,

don't wear my bra and panties.

Your bra and panties, that's an order!

That could be Seigle.

Hello?

My name is Jonathan Levinson Seigle.

I own Jonathan of
Paris, here in New York.

I have information which could determine

the fate of the entire world

and civilization as it is known today.

You got a minute?

Of course.

I received a photograph of that fellow

that broadcasts for KAOS on television.

- And suddenly I remembered.
- Yes?

I had a model who worked for me.

Came in late one day, wearing a dress

with the exact same
pattern, a plum paisley.

Now, listen, this is very
important, Mr. Seigle.

Can you put me in touch with this model?

Look, Mr. Smart, this
is not a good time.

I've been waiting for a buyer.

And she's finally here.

Why don't you come by my place?

17117th Avenue, tonight, exactly 5:00.

Could be 5:15.

Mr. Seigle?

He's been shot, 22.

See what you can do for him.

I'm gonna check out the back.

Relax, relax. Calm down, ladies.

You have nothing to fear from me.

I'm a government agent.

I advise you to keep
this door shut and locked.

Whoever it was got away. Is this Seigle?

- Yes.
- How is he?

I think he's dying.
I'll call an ambulance.

Mr. Seigle, did you see who did it?

It was a man.

It was a man who...

Too late.

Better call the morgue.

Just a second.

Ambulance.

He was a big man, a tall man.

I'd say a 42 long.

Did you notice anything else about him?

He had a patch over one eye.

Morgue.

What's your hurry?

Ambulance.

He also had one leg and one arm.

One leg and one arm?

Why didn't you tell me that before?

You didn't ask me if he was hard to fit.

Morgue.

Just a few minutes.

Ambulance.

When you called me,

you told me you had information

about the Nude Bomber.

I think...

Who should I call?

Morgue?

Ambulance.

Get me a fair deal,
Andy, with Ernest Ainsley.

Mr. Seigle, you've
got to try to remember!

Now, you said that

this model that worked for you,

that wore a dress with
the same paisley pattern

as the man in the photograph.

Something was happening.

What is this? The fucking
Indianapolis 500? Hey!

Mr. Seigle! Mr. Seigle, say something!

Whiplash!

Watch where you're going, fellow.

Oh, Doctor, how is he?
Will he be all right?

I think so.

His vital signs are encouraging,

but he's very weak.

We have to ask him some questions.

- He can't talk.
- Can he type?

I'm sorry, you can't go in there.

Doctor, it is absolutely
vital that we speak to him.

This is an international emergency.

That man in there has information

that could determine the
fate of the entire world.

Well... 22, do you mind?

Let me handle this. I've
dealt with doctors before.

Now, look, Doctor, we want in.

No!

- Please?
- Okay.

See?

Mr. Seigle.

We desperately need to know

the name of the model
who wore the dress.

Can you help us, Mr. Seigle?

What did he say?

He asked me to take my
hand out of his groin.

What did he say?

He wants you to put
your hand in his groin.

Mr. Seigle, please, can you help us?

He's too weak to talk.

He's humming the information to us.

That's Hello Dolly,

The model's name must be Dolly.

Mr. Seigle, Dolly, Dolly. This Dolly?

Where can we find this Dolly?

I know that tune.

I know it. I know that tune.

Now, don't tell me, I know it.

California Here I Come.

I told you I knew it.

She's somewhere in California.

Where in California, Mr. Seigle?

In Hollywood.

Los... Los Angeles.

Mr. Seigle, you said you
knew the name of the man

who designed the paisley dress?

I wanna be

In that number

When the saints go marching in

Oh, when the saints

Go marching in

Oh, when the saints go marching in

Well, I want to be

Mr. Seigle? Mr. Seigle?

I'm sorry, but you're
going to have to leave.

Doctor, you've got to
give us a little more time.

I must ask him one more question!

We've got to find out what he meant

by When the Saints Go Marching In.

It's too late. He's asleep.

Well, at least we have some information

to feed into the computer.

We know about Dolly

and we know about California.

Yes, and we also know that somehow

KAOS has advance information

on every action we take.

Well, no matter how
clever they may be, no one,

not even KAOS can
anticipate my every move.

Nothing on When the
Saints Go Marching In,

but as for Dolly...

Do you have a make on her?

Subject's full name is
Dolly Francine Winston.

Address, 2211 Beach Avenue,

Santa Monica, California, 90402.

That's fantastic. What does she do?

Interesting background.

She traveled with Isaac Stern

as his accompanist on
20 concerts worldwide.

Prior to that, she was a curator,

specializing in
pre-Columbian restoration

at the Pyramids of Teotihuacan.

And she voyaged with
the Cousteau expedition

as a consultant on
bathyspheric pressure studies.

What is she doing now?

She's a tour guide at Universal Studios.

Well, she certainly has
the background for it.

Well, thank you very much.

You've been very helpful.

Oh, just one more question, Doctor.

Yes?

Are you sure this is
the right Dolly Winston?

Positive. Why do you ask?

Well, I once knew a Dolly Winston,

traveled with the Benny Goodman band.

She was a singer?

No, she just traveled with the band.

What happened here?

Ask the landlady.

We're government agents.
What happened?

I didn't see that.

That doesn't look anything like you.

It's my thumbprint.

Okay.

- Was that Dolly?
- That was Dolly.

- Dolly Winston?
- Mmm-hmm.

- What happened?
- A man.

A man with a patch over his eye.

- And one arm?
- And a limb.

Of course, they knew we
were coming again, but how?

He ripped the room apart.
He destroyed everything.

- May we see the room?
- It's $300 a month.

Of course, you realize
it's a mess right now,

but once we get it cleaned up,

I may have to charge my cleaning

fee a little higher than usual.

But as a rule, we're very clean

and the apartment is such a mess we...

And the bathroom is just down the hall.

You are so lucky.

The plum paisley dress isn't here.

The plum paisley, that was her favorite.

But she never kept it here.

She kept it in her locker at the studio,

for when she went out
on dates right from work.

We got here as soon as we could, 13.

Who you working with?

Agent 22 is my backup, right over here.

Hi, 13.

Oh, hi, 22.

- Where's the locker room?
- Oh, it's over there.

Women only. I better go get the dress.

I didn't know 22 was your backup.

She's really something, isn't she?

Yes, she's very nice.

I knew her when she
was married to Agent 78.

22 was married to the late great 78?

Wasn't he a little old for her?

Well, let's see, 22 was 21

when she married 78 in '72.

78 was 46, that means 78 was

22, 32, 40...

Twenty-five years older than 22.

22 joined PITS when 78 died in '75.

Tell me, 13, how was 78 killed?

Investigating the numbers racket.

Max, help!

22, are you all right?

He clubbed me.

A man, he grabbed the
dress and went out the door!

That way, 22.

Now, there are rules to movie fighting.

The villain always
gets in the first punch.

I counter with a left,
like in the stomach,

toss him out the window.

And that's why movie fights look realer.

Now, we have a little
gunplay after a fist fight.

There has to be a movie shootout!

They're using real bullets.

You have blundered
into a Cylon battle zone.

You are now our prisoners.

Do not attempt to escape.

Move forward immediately,
or we will blast you.

All stations stand by
Power beams on Stand by

Secure for space travel

Activate primary thrusters

Activate

Ignition sequence

All systems ready. Stand by.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're about to see a close-up

of one of the most famous structures

in motion picture history.

A house used in the Alfred
Hitchcock thriller, Psycho.

We've got to take this tram.

There are people on it.

Tell them it's part of the tour.

They could get killed.

So what? We're not charging them for it.

This tram is overloaded.

Tell them they can walk on water,

it's part of the tour.

All right, now, you're all Israelites.

You're going to go into the water

and experience what Moses did.

Everybody up! One, two, three!

Max, duck!

Your damn vanity could
have led Smart right to us!

Fairly empty accusation,

considering it was you, my dear Nino,

who gave the whole damned
dress to your lady friend.

Smart has seen me. He
should be eliminated!

Yes, I'm afraid we'll have to kill him,

if he gets too close.

- We're getting close, 86.
- Name?

Nino Salvatori Sebastiani.

Subject was victim of
violent laboratory explosion,

which occurred the
afternoon of November 24th.

Wasn't that on Thanksgiving Day?

That's not important, Larabee.

Subject sustained the loss

of one arm, one leg,
one eye and one turkey.

Told you.

I think what Larabee
is really trying to say

is that the explosion in the laboratory

took place while Nino was
working on the Nude Bomb.

And Nino Salvatori Sebastiani

could be the Nude Bomber himself.

Question is where do we find
Nino Salvatori Sebastiani

within the next 36 hours?

This may help.

He was recently divorced
from Edith Von Secondberg.

She's a reputable fashion designer

currently vacationing
in Innsbruck, Austria.

Well, that's good enough
for me. Okay, I'm off.

Agent 34?

86, welcome to Innsbruck.

- Thank you.
- Shall we go?

Fill me in on Edith Von Secondberg.

She's a famous fashion designer,

cherishes her seclusion.

However, she does like her men.

A bit of charm and you
may get what you want.

Bit of charm, eh?

Well, I've used that
weapon many times before.

If that's what it takes
to get the information,

I may let her have her way.

And if necessary,

I'll go the limit.

Uh-oh.

Just our luck.

We got to run into a poisonous Achtung.

That means attention.

There has been an avalanche.

Well, what do we do now?

Oh, don't worry, I'll
get us out in a second.

Meanwhile, why don't you
slip in your ski boots?

Carruthers has adapted them

with your usual equipment.

Now, the road is blocked.

We have to do the rest
of the way on skis.

You know how to ski, don't you?

I'm gonna try and forget you said that.

Slip into those bindings.

If you don't lock them
in place correctly,

they can be very difficult to get off,

almost impossible.

They freeze shut.

All set?

I'll be right behind you.

You're the boss, 86.

What took you so long?

Oh, boy, you are fast.

I couldn't even see you pass me.

Okay, 34, you better get out of sight.

Let me help you with your skis.

If it'll make you feel better.

The bindings are stuck. They're frozen.

Got a cigarette lighter?

34, listen. Someone's
coming to the door.

Get out of sight.

Good luck, 86.

You mustn't knock.

No noise whatsoever

or that will come down.

Won't you come in? We can talk inside.

Wouldn't you prefer to
leave your skis outside?

In this neighborhood? Are you kidding?

You're quite witty.

And charming.

Who are you?

My name is Maxwell Smart.

I'm an insurance salesman
of Mutual of Austria,

and I have come here to
sell you avalanche insurance.

Really? I'm most interested.

Oh, I'm preparing
some hot, buttered rum.

Would you like to join me?

No, thank you.

If you're chilled, Mr. Smart,

why don't you stand by the fire?

Oh, thank you.

There's something I think
you should know, Maxwell.

And what is that?

Your skis are on fire.

Well, in that case, why don't
I just take them off and...

Let's see. I'll just...

Just put them there
until I'm ready to leave.

You are amusing.

I've tried for years to
get avalanche insurance.

There is no such thing.

What is it you really want?

That's very perceptive of you, my dear.

The truth of the matter is that

I'm not really an insurance man.

I'm a secret agent.

And I'm here on a very
important mission, Edith.

May I call you Edith?

I'd like that.

Particularly since that's my name.

You'll find I answer a lot
faster to it than I would

if you call me Marian.

I'm going to level with you, Marian.

- May I call you Marian?
- Edith.

I'm looking for your husband.

Do you know where I can find him?

I don't know.

I haven't seen him in years.

Were you married to him
when he had his accident?

We were married, but...

Well, we weren't living together.

Things weren't working out.

Nino became almost schizoid at times.

- Schizoid?
- Yes.

Half scientist, half fashion designer.

He developed an insatiable desire

to know everything
about my work in design.

And then came Norman.

Norman?

I took an out-of-work scientist
and made him a partner.

And what did it get me?

Permathin and Norman.

Who's Permathin?

It's a fabric.

Is that like a plum paisley?

It could be produced as plum paisley.

It could be plaid. It could be plain.

In other words, it could be anything

that starts with a "P," right?

Right. If you invested in
it, it could make you poor.

It was prohibitive to produce.

And who is Norman?

Norman Saint Sauvage.

But I never did meet him.

Norman...

How do you spell that last name?

S-A-l-N-T.

That's Saint.

It's pronounced "San."

Of course.

Well, that's what Seigle
was trying to tell us

when he hummed When the
Saints Come Marching In,

Norman Saint Sauvage.

Open up, 86.

It's KAOS!

The avalanche. Where are they?

They're on a snowmobile.
There's two of them.

KAOS knows every move I'm making.

There must be a double
agent on our team.

We've got to get out of
here. Is there a back door?

Through the kitchen.

All right, you two stay here

and I'll take care of them outside.

All right, nobody move.

All right, gentlemen, that's it.

This ridiculous little
game is over with.

I advise you to drop your
guns and put up your hands.

Why?

Because at this very minute, my friend,

this chalet is being
completely surrounded

by 500 Alpine crack troops.

I find that hard to believe.

Would you believe 150
Tyrolean ski troopers?

No, we wouldn't.

How about two St. Bernards in heat?

You all right?

Yeah.

This is Maxwell Smart

I'm sorry I can't speak
to you at the moment

But at the sound of the beep,

you'll leave your name, number

and the approximate time you called

I shall return your
call as soon as possible

I can't believe this.

What is it?

Something's goofy.

This morning we ran a profile

on Saint Sauvage and found nothing,

and now suddenly, we've got something.

I find that very difficult to believe.

Yesterday, nothing on Saint Sauvage,

today, the computer has the whole story.

There's something very
strange going on around here.

What happened, Doc?

Somebody screwed around
with the computer.

Or there's been an
unprecedented malfunction,

which led to an egregious
miscalculation of...

Forget it!

I'll check out the circuitry.

"Norman Saint Sauvage, Boulder,

Colorado, age 43, height 6'2".

"Profession, fashion coordinator."

That certainly ties in with
the design and textile business.

Sauvage lived in New
York in 1975 and '76.

Didn't Edith Von Secondberg say

that that's where
Sebastiani and Sauvage met?

Yes.

Looks like Sauvage is our man.

I don't think we have any options, 86,

we'll have to fly to Boulder.

86, don't you think it's advisable

to take the whole PITS team?

If it turns out that
Sauvage is the Nude Bomber,

you're gonna need their
expertise and skills.

Good idea, Chief.

13?

Hi, Max.

- Did you give it the once over?
- Twice.

Somebody had good reason for
getting you on this plane.

Left you a little going-away present.

A going-away bomb.

It's set for 5,000 feet and bon voyage.

Well, that clinches it.

Whoever doesn't show up

for this flight is the double agent.

Who do you think that is?

Girls don't understand baseball.

I'll tell you at checkpoint seven.

Okay.

Well, who do you suspect?

Agent 36.

36? How do you figure?

It's really quite simple, 13.

She knew about Seigle,

she knew about Dolly Winston

and she knew about the
Von Secondberg trip.

I'm sorry to say this,

but Agent 36 is the double agent.

Hi, I came early to set up my equipment.

On the other hand, it
could be the Krovneys.

Those two innocent teenagers
are vicious KAOS killers.

Hello, 36.

Pam, do you have the
file diskettes load FCRTF?

It could be Carruthers.

86, it's Carruthers.

Are you gonna be in there long?

I'll be right out, Carruthers.

How about Larabee?

He knew every move you
were about to make, too.

Max, come on out!

Give Carruthers a
break, it's an emergency.

Well, 13, that takes care
of about everybody on board.

With one exception.

Yes, Agent 22.

I can't believe it. I
don't wanna believe it.

There's nothing else I can do.
She's the only one left, 13.

I like her.

Well, 13, there's no room for
sentimentality in this business.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, 13.

Oh, that's all right.

22 is not on board.

Well, I'll tell you
why she's not on board.

It's something I've
suspected for a long time.

What's the factual data, 86?

- 22 is...
- Sorry, I'm late.

Always sorry she's late.

Boy, am I glad to see you, twenty...

Oh, there you are.

I'm glad to see you, 22.

Let's take off, Max.

No, Larabee, this flight is canceled.

Coming.

- Hello.
- Hello, Max

Oh, it's you, 22, good. Anything yet?

Well, we're working on it.

Well, did you seal the
airports and the Amtrak?

- We worked around that, too.
- Good.

- Well, any news yet?
- No.

I'm waiting word from the President.

- Okay.
- Well, you can call me here, 22.

From here on in, I'll be
working out of the apartment.

Gotcha.

Not for long, Max.

I underestimated you, Max.

When did you first get suspicious?

It really wasn't that
difficult to figure out.

You knew about Seigle,
you knew about Dolly,

and you knew about the
Von Secondberg trip.

But the real clincher

was when you sent me to fly

the unfriendly skies of KAOS.

It's been nice working with you, 86.

Where would you like it?

How about Cincinnati?

Very funny. Goodbye, Max!

Watch out, Larabee, it's not the Chief.

May I see your license, please?

- Now, look, Officer...
- Is this your desk?

Yes, it is my desk.

Sixty miles an hour is pretty
fast for a desk, isn't it?

Yep.

Look, Officer, I'm a government agent.

I'm after a defector.

Hey, man, where did
you get your license?

Hey, you!

Don't let go, please!

I won't if you tell me where I can

find Sebastiani and Saint Sauvage.

I don't know!

And I don't know how much

longer I can hold onto you.

The Pocono Mountains. Mount Thimble.

But don't tell them I told you.

They'll destroy me.

Don't worry, I won't tell them.

Can I have your word on that?

You've got...

Sorry about that, Chief.

The President has requested
more time from the UN.

They are going to give it to him

and that's dangerous for us.

Smart knows too much.

Why all this stupid waiting?
Let's drop the bombs!

That suits your purpose, but not mine.

Get it out of your
head, once and for all.

We are not turning the world nude

so you can dress them

in your Norman Saint Sauvage look.

I'm in this for money, not applause.

You're jealous of me.

Jealous?

Of you?

And you're beginning
to exhaust my patience.

I am beginning to exhaust your patience?

Who do you think you are?

If it weren't for me,

you wouldn't be sitting
behind that desk.

You wouldn't exist!

Oh, but I do exist.

As for you, that's no longer true.

How long will it take you to have

the bombs prepared for launching?

All the bombs, sir?

Yes, all the bombs.

Countdown for total launch is two hours.

Good.

Start your countdown
procedures immediately.

We've landed totally undetected,

thanks to my genius in creating

the noiseless Shushcopter.

Look, there it is.

That's the second
biggest zipper I ever saw.

It's unzipping.

- Don't look, 22.
- Why?

No telling what's liable
to come out of that thing.

It's a magenta alert.

We launch the bombs in 15 minutes.

15 minutes?

Carruthers, radio our
position to PITS Central.

Tell them to send in the task force

and to have them get
here faster than possible.

All right, 22,

we've got to invade that zipper

before the mountain's fly closes.

Come on.

All right, all right, no
need for any rough stuff!

- It's the Chief!
- How can that be?

When they pulled him
from the manure truck,

he had two broken legs!

He's in a Washington
hospital under heavy guard.

22, there's something very
strange going on around here.

Which way should we go?

I don't know, but we
can't afford to get lost.

This place is full of labyrinths

and they all look exactly alike.

- You're right.
- Of course I'm right.

Why, I once knew an agent

who went into the Pentagon
Building in Washington

and was lost for three days.

Three days?

I can't believe anybody
could get that confused.

Well, let me see.

I went in on a Tuesday
and I came out on a Fri...

Max, I don't understand it.

If the Chief is working with Sauvage,

then why is he a prisoner?

I don't know, 22, the
whole thing is crazy,

but there must be some explanation.

Indeed there is.

Please come in.

Well, thank you very much,

but we were just leaving.

We'll take those guns.

You want to stay for a little while?

I don't care, it's up to you.

Please, come in, Mr. Smart,
make yourself comfortable.

- We're in trouble.
- What'll we do?

Stall.

Sit down, please.

Thank you.

Well, this is certainly a very
pleasant and unexpected surprise.

I'm sure there is a good reason

why you have invaded my mountain.

Okay, let's hear it.

You're indeed an incredible man.

Here you are, completely in my power

and yet you manage to
keep your sense of humor.

All right, Sauvage, let's
cut out all the small talk.

I'm here to make you a deal.

Give up this mad scheme,

turn over the Nude Bombs to me,

disband KAOS, make a public apology,

and I will see to it personally

that you are executed immediately

to avoid a long stay in
a dirty, filthy jail cell.

Well, that's my deal. What do you say?

Well, what's your answer? I'm waiting.

You won't have to wait
too long, Mr. Smart.

In five minutes, I will
release the Nude Bomb

and rid the Earth of all
its unsightly, gauche fabric.

And then I, being the
only source of clothing,

become master of a shivering,

groveling, naked mass of humanity!

Thereby gaining absolute control

of every living man, woman
and child on this Earth!

Well, that's a very
pretty speech, Sauvage.

But it has one great flaw in it.

- What's that?
- What's that?

Yes, well, I'm not quite sure,

but if you would run
through it one more time,

I think I could spot it.

You're a strange man, Mr. Smart.

I'm strange?

Listen, fellow, anyone that runs around

with panty hose over their head

and tries to make the whole world nude,

that's strange!

Let's face it, Sauvage, you're
not playing with a full deck.

Your bogus ingenuousness
is straining my equanimity.

Could you put that another way?

You're pissing me off.

Yes, well, there's no need to
get hostile about it, Norman.

- May I call you Norman?
- No, you may not.

No, I may not. Norm?

Mmm-mmm.

Normy?

Yes, well, perhaps you're right.

Familiarity does breed contempt.

Well, Mr. Saint Sauvage, sir,

let's look at a couple of facts.

Let's.

Supposing you do get four billion

shivering, groveling,
bare-assed subjects.

A fashion plate like yourself

would wanna design clothes for them,

so that it would reflect
your own good taste.

Let's face it, my friend,

good help nowadays is hard to find.

I've taken that into consideration.

Madame Rose?

There is my answer.

Madame Rose. The world's
greatest seamstress.

She's going to make clothes
for four billion people?

Boy, is she in for a lot of overtime.

Madame Rose, pass
through the Clonatorium.

Instant cloning?

Yes.

When I need them, there
will be a room full of Roses.

That's fantastic.

One goes in, two comes out.

I got to get one of those machines.

I wonder what they go for.

De-clone yourself.

Thank you, Madame Rose.

Now it's time for you

to witness history in the making.

I'm going to set off the Nude Bomb

and introduce to the
world Norman Saint Sauvage.

There is no Norman Saint Sauvage.

What?

This isn't Norman Saint Sauvage.

This is Nino Salvatori Sebastiani!

Release him. Stand back.

You're very clever, Mr. Smart.

And you are very careless.

You yourself gave me the answer.

Your vanity led you

to demonstrate the cloning machine.

And then it came to me in a flash.

The Chief was captured, cloned,

and returned to PITS
as a double KAOS agent.

After that, it was fairly simple.

If Nino could clone the Chief,
then he could clone himself,

and that's exactly what he did.

And after cloning
himself and creating you,

Mr. Norman Saint Sauvage,

that's when the explosion
in the laboratory took place,

leaving the original Sebastiani

with a squint, a gimp and a limp.

Well, Mr. Norman Saint Sauvage,

I wouldn't be too smug,

because to use the
terms of your own trade,

you're nothing but a
knockoff, a cheap copy.

Where is the original Sebastiani?

Dead.

You killed him!

I merely discarded an imperfect mold

and preserved the product.

Its first and finest masterpiece.

Well, Mr. Smart, evidently
I underestimated you.

You're not a complete fool, after all.

Almost. Very close, but not complete.

Unfortunately, your luck has run out.

It's a pity that one so
young and pretty must die.

Well, thank you, Sauvage,
but I'm not afraid to die.

Max, I think he means me.

Oh!

The girl has a choice.

She may die with you or
stay with me and join KAOS.

- Well, what do you think, 22?
- Max!

There can only be one answer
to a question like that.

There can only be one answer

to a question like that, Sauvage!

What is that answer, 22?

Max, I'm staying with you.

That's the answer to
a question like that.

Too bad.

If you'll excuse me for one minute,

I'm now going to fire my missiles.

Initiate all pre-launch programs.

Prepare phase one.

All crew, ready areas.
Let's hustle it up, men.

Code blue, code blue.

Prepare for launch.

Go to your underground shelters.

You stay here.

They're on their way, Mr. Smart.

In four minutes,
these missiles will reach

their destination and
strike the world nude.

Now, Mr. Smart,

I have one last delightful
launch to perform.

Yours.

Sorry about that,

Normy.

Max!

22, are you all right?

My legs are numb.

Well, don't worry, 22.

I'll have you out of here in no time.

Put your arms around my neck.

Atta girl.

Jesus!

What are you doing, Max?

The Fireman's Carry.

22, where are you?

- I'm over here.
- Oh.

Max, I'm starting to get
some feeling down there.

We've got no time for that, 22.

No, I mean my legs!

If I let you up, will you walk?

If you let me up, I will dance.

Chief! Are you all right, Chief?

I'm fine. What about you two?

We're okay. How did you get loose?

Well, my guards deserted the mountain.

Where's Sauvage?

He got hung up.

Max, this mountain is
gonna blow up any second!

Let's go!

Mission's over, Max.

Listen, there may be some fallout

from that Nude Bomb.

We better get out of here.

Don't be ridiculous, Chief.

There is no fallout from a Nude Bomb.

Fallout from a Nude...

You're always there when I need you

I can count on you all right

If the world would end I'd just call you

And you'd fix it overnight

If I wanted the sun I bet you

Would deliver it to me

You're always there when I need you

And I need you constantly

These are dangerous days we're living in

And many times I feel like giving in

But I never, never do

Instead, I turn to you

You're too smart to be true

You're always there when I need you

Heaven must have sent you here

It's a miracle somehow

You make disasters disappear

You make everything I'm feeling

There is nothing you won't try

You're always there when I need you

And I'll need you till I die

I'm gonna need you, baby

You're always there when I need you

I can count on you all right

If the world would end I'd just call you

And you'd fix it overnight

If you wanted the sun I bet you

Would deliver it to me

You're always there when I need you

And I need you constantly

Don't you know I need you, baby

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm gonna need you, baby

Gonna need you, baby

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