All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S07E24.Search.Committee.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

It's a beautiful morning
at Dunder Mifflin--

or as I like to call it...
Great Bratton.

Keep it running.

Do I love being manager?

I love my kids.
I love real estate.

I love ceramics.
I love my job.

I-I love wrestling.

But being manager?

Ask me again in 20 years.

For lunch I want
an inside-out taco.

That's loose chicken meat
with veggies

on the outside of a taco.

Need a way to hold it.

Uh, one, find an Emily Creptac.

She broke my heart
40 years ago.

Find out if she's gone...
[blows out breath]

And if she has,
I want pictures.

But not of her.

Find out
what language this is.

[speaking in strange language]

Okay. Team building.

On this side of the room,
Stanley, Phyllis, Jim,

Ted, Elroy.

And this side of the room, Pam,
Meredith, Phyllis, Creed...

He never called a meeting.

Bo... body.
Bo... body.

What does the first "B"
stand for?

What are we doing?

We're making acronyms.
Okay!

What does the first "B"
stand for?

Um...

business!

I like it!

Business.

Good, Kevin!

All right, the "O"...

We need a new manager.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

[soft guitar music]

[indistinct chatter]

So after the navy, I thought,

"Cool.
Me and America are square.

"I've done my bit for the flag,

and time for me to look out
for myself."

And I-I had a buddy
in the paper biz,

so I just dove right in.

How was your experience
in the navy?

It was nuts.
I was in Hong Kong three times.

Still-still have pretty crazy
flashbacks from that.

Oh, really?
What kind of things did you do?

Meteorologist.

What, do you mean, like,
weather surveillance, or...?

Predictor.

Constantly had to predict
the weather, which is--

I-I'm not a god,
I'm just a guy in a shack

with a pair of binoculars.

What do you think about
this weather we're having now?

Don't even talk to me
about the weather, man.

Just all comes back to me,
you know?

There was this one night

I predicted
it was gonna be warm.

I sent 200 men out
without their jackets.

It was 60 degrees that night.

52 with windchill.

You can't imagine their faces

shivering through that
Carrie Underwood concert.

Uh, your paper experience
is very interesting,

and although it's mostly
in manufacturing,

do you think you could
use that experience

to inform decisions here?

Absolutely, I--yes.

In fact, I actually have
a three-step plan

that I believe could effectively
double your profits.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What is it?

[chuckles]

Nice try.

Uh...
I'm sorry.

W-what is your
three-step plan?

Well, I mean, I can't
just hand you my plan.

I mean, if you guys
give me the job,

then--then you'll get
the plan.

Well... it's an interview,

and we don't know
that you really have the plan.

I'm not gonna just make up
that I have a plan.

I got a plan.
Believe me, you guys want it.

You're in paper, right?

How do we know that
if you don't...

You could just be saying it
to get the job.

I guess I could be
if I was...

who would do that?

How about this.

Why don't you give us
a part of the plan,

and that way
we know you have it.

Tell you what.

I'll give you
part three of part two.

Not gonna give you
a whole part.

Okay.

Color-code said documents. TM.

- Did you just trademark that?
- W-what?

That's a verbal trademark.
That's an agreement.

We are
the Search Committee...

hand-picked by our CEO

and tasked to find
this branch's new manager.

Not everyone we meet
will be good,

but someone's
bound to be, right?

And to be honest,

I think a lot of
the decent candidates

are right here in house.

So I'm not too worried.

But I'm really excited
to spend a lot of time

with Toby and Gabe.

[quietly] Did you know that
Gabe's last name was Lewis?

I had no idea.

Good morning.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

Did you have
a nice drive in?

I did.

I have a solid
relationship with Jo,

the company's owner.

I have management experience.

I have a good friendship
with Jim,

the head of
the Search Committee.

And it doesn't hurt
that I'm...

♪ Black! ♪

We all know this is
a popularity contest,

and Darryl's the coolest kid
in school.

Used to be Jim.

Hasn't been Jim in a long time.

It's good.

It's just words,
which will surprise people.

Yeah, it's based on
a really successful

cigarette ad campaign
from a while back.

- Those were good ads.
- Yeah.

They got me smoking
when I was eight.

I couldn't quit smoking
until the government

put out better ads
about not smoking.

I love smoking.

I really hope you get it.

The manager job?
Naw, I'm barely interested.

I just can't not go for it,
you know.

It's not the Bernard way.

We give it
the old college try,

and then in defeat,
we show grace.

Still... I'd really
like to see this office

with you in the boss's chair.

Don't even...

eeehhhh!

- You in the boss's chair!
- Ah! No.

In my family, you don't
really go out and get things.

If you want something,
you write it on a list

and then the housekeeper
goes out and gets it

on Wednesdays and Fridays.

So... I don't know.

I guess you could say
this job is on my list and...

we'll see what Rosa
comes back with.

Did you hear anything?

Oh... I'm sure
they'll let us know

when they get the results.

It turns out that
Erin was born

in the basic time and region
that I gave away a child.

So Phyllis
might be my mom.

I mean,
the chances are tiny, but...

Yeah.
But probably not.

I mean, it was
a big year for babies.

- Porky's had come out.
- Yeah.

I'm sure I was just
another Porky's baby.

- But why not find out?
- Yeah.

[loud crunching]

Should you really be
so blatant about that?

They won't make me manager,

and I won't settle
for anything less.

I've gone about as far
as I can here.

That's obvious.

Time to take my talents elsewhere.

Are you really gonna
apply for work

at Scranton Breadworks?

Bread is the paper
of the food industry.

You write your sandwich
on it.

Can you do any better
on salary?

Unfortunately,
that range is set at corporate.

What about mileage
when I use my car?

I mean,
gas ain't cheap, you know.

[laughs] We think that
25¢ a mile is pretty generous.

How 'bout 27 and, uh...

when I make long-distance
calls

will they be monitored,
or is it on the honor system?

Uh, we were thinking that
maybe you'd wanna talk

a little bit about your vision
for the branch.

You might wanna talk about
the long-distance calling.

Okay.

[exhales]

How odd!
[laughs]

A very unusual phone call
from the senator's office.

The senator wants me
to have lunch with him

at the Botanical Gardens.

The Botanical Gardens...

Scranton's hidden gem.

Don't eat any berries
you don't recognize.

How will your experience
selling refinery equipment

translate to our
smaller scale here?

You don't work in sales,
do you?

Uh... human resources.

You see,
I sit across from a man...

I see his face.
I see his eyes.

Now, does it matter
if he wants $100 of paper

or $100 million
of deep-sea drilling equipment?

Don't be a fool.

He wants respect.

He wants love.

He wants to be younger.
He wants to be attractive.

There is no such thing

as a product.

Don't ever think there is.

There is only sex.

Everything is sex.

You understand
that what I'm telling you

is a universal truth, Toby.

Yes.

Okay, I-I--

I am... I'm almost
a little concerned

that you might be overqualified
for the position.

Do you, um...
do you think that you are?

Gabriel--you are Gabriel, correct?

It's not Gabe?

You should change that.

Look at my eyes.
Do I look like someone who--

who'd waste my own time?

No.

Can y--
[clears throat]

You are a man
of great confidence.

Could you speak
a little more to that

and what the role
of confidence

would be in a dialogue

with a subordinate?

Will you be heard?

Will you have a voice?

Will I steamroll over you?

Do you feel heard
right now, Jim?

Do you have a voice
right now?

- You can answer me.
- Yes.

That was your choice,
not mine.

The fallacy is that it is
up to the steamroller.

It is up to the object...

whether it will be
flattened or not.

And I can tell just from
the small interaction

we've had already,

you won't be flattened
by anybody.

Do you agree with me, Jim?

- Yes.
- Yes, you do.

He creeps me out.

But I think
he might be a genius.

Dwight, there's a call
for you on line two.

No thanks.

Um, he's in the shower.

Good luck, Darryl.

Thank you.

Is that the kind of boss
he would be?

Completely insensitive
to the insecurities

of other people in this office

who might also be interviewing
for the manager position

and might also want to be
wished a little bit of luck

'cause they're kind of
spinning out a little bit?

[laughs nervously]

I don't want that kind of boss.

No, thank you. Not good.

Good man, though. Nice guy.
My best friend.

Think about it.

What other mammal,
besides humans,

drinks the milk
of another mammal?

I mean, you don't see a bear
drinking raccoon milk.

How long have you been
off dairy?

Soon as I can say no

to those two pushas,
Ben and Jerry.

[laughter]

So this is cool.
I think we make a good fit.

Oh. Uh, we haven't
started the interview yet.

Were you--
were you joking?

[laughs]

Uh... yes.
I was.

Little joke.

So how would you go about
settling interpersonal conflicts

within the office?

I thought that was your job.

Well, it's
one of my strengths,

but it's the manager's job.

Well, for instance,
how did you deal with it

when two warehouse guys
got into a fight?

I'll answer that, Jim.

I would use it
as an opportunity to teach...

uh, about actions
and consequences

of actions.

Who's that?

So I think all we need
is a résumé,

and we'll be good, right?

I-I just thought
you knew me.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Just something
that looks like that.

Cool.

Let me...

oh.

Cool.

Did, uh, you just interview?

Oh. Unfortunately, yes.

W-what do you mean?

That business
can't attract anyone.

It's awful up there.

Those people seem like
they're in prison

waiting out life sentences

in a...
dying industry.

Place must be horrible.

I don't know
if I want this job.

Well,
if I get this job offer,

then I know
that I'm gonna take it.

And if I take it, I know
that I'm never gonna quit.

And then 25 years
are gonna go by, and...

I'm gonna die here.

What makes you feel qualified
to judge a place

after a mere interview?

What are you doing?

Stop trying to figure me out.

- I just did.
- You can't.

- It's done.
- No, it's not.

I know you now.
I know your nature.

You don't know me--you don't
know anything about me.

- I'm done.
- Get out of my head.

- Not worth continuing.
- Stop trying to figure me out.

[clears throat]

Do you even know
anything about paper?

How it's made?

I saw an episode
on how they make paper

on Sesame Street.

I remember 'cause it was
the last time

Bob Marley made an appearance
on the Street.

Get out.

What's your name?

Oh, you weren't able
to read that?

I'm sorry, I'm Dwight
of Dwight's Caffeine Corner.

You must be very proud.

I'm gonna prevent
inferior men

from sullying
my place of work

with their weak,
passionless leadership.

Do you see my hat?
No?

That's because I just
threw it in the ring.

You guys pay for relocation,
though, right?

Well, why would you need relocation

if you already live
in Scranton?

Well, I'd wanna move
further away, you know?

Just... don't want any chance

of running into my coworkers
outside the office.

Can I ask why you're leaving
your current job?

I'm leaving my other job

because they were all... jerks.

Really.
You know, all of them.

You had your jerk wads
and your jerk offs, so...

just between the wads
and the offs,

I just--
I had to get outta there.

Is this a bad time
to be doing this?

I'm having a bad time.
[laughs]

I'm sorry.

I-if we did something
to upset you,

I-I'm sure it was inadvertent.

Wait.

Oh, why did I believe
that weirdo in the lobby?

These are the nicest people
I ever met.

Thank you.

[gasps]
I'm engaged!

Damn, girl!

[laughs]

It's gorgeous, Angela.

Yeah, I actually know
about nice rings,

- and it is gorgeous.
- Oh... wow.

It's a little flashy.
I mean, what am I...

Naomi Judd?

- Tell us the freaking story!
- Yeah, tell us the story.

Okay.
He took me to the replica

of Monet's Japanese Bridge.

And then he put this flower
behind my ear,

which normally
I would hate,

'cause it's so Civil Rightsy.

Then he got down
on one knee and he said,

"Will you be
a senator's wife?"

Oh! He talked about himself
in the third person?

Yes, Pam.

Not everyone is as informal
as you and Jim.

[imitating Jim]
"Oh, hey, Pam, dude, whatever.

Wanna marry me?"

- [laughter]
- That's not accurate.

Then I saw flashes.
Reporters were there.

They always find us.
And everyone was crying.

Even his aide.

Angela's engaged
to a gay man.

As a gay man,
I'm horrified.

As a friend of Angela's, horrified.

As a lover of
elegant weddings,

I'm a little excited.

But overall, horrified.

Andy?

You all set?

Okay, guys.
It's time.

It's pep talk time.
Tell me what I need to hear.

Are you sure
this is a good idea?

I hate to see you disappointed.

That's not
what I was hoping for.

Okay, I just want someone
to tell me,

"You're gonna do great."

[hesitantly]
You'll do great.

Come on!

You guys are my best friend.
[splutters]

I'd be happy
if Andy were boss.

He listens to my stories.

And they're not always
A-plus stories,

let's be honest,
but you know what?

He always listens
like they're A-plus.

Well, some are A-plus.

I think Andy
should be the boss.

He's just so great.

If I'm being objective,
then Darryl, of course.

So Andy,
what improvements

would you make
as office manager?

For starters, I really think
we can

streamline communication
around here.

Whoa.
That's a very heavy accusation

to level against Toby.

- I wasn't a-accusing--
- Well, Toby's in charge

of human resources.

That would include communication.

I think that Toby's
done a fine job.

Right. I-I-I really wasn't
trying to insult a-anyone.

I didn't think you were.

I have two relationships
with Andy.

I have a personal relationship,

and I have a professional relationship.

Personally, yeah,
I think he's a rat

and I think he's responsible

for the demise of my
relationship with Erin.

Professionally...

he broke up the happiest
couple in this office.

How many windows are there
in New York City?

- What?
- Critical thinking.

Common on-the-spot question
asked in an interview.

Okay. Uh... let me think.
Are you counting car windows?

No.
How far away is the Sun?

Uh, 93 million miles.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

And the diameter of the sun
is 870,000 miles,

which makes it 109 times
wider than the Earth

and 333,000 times
heavier than the Earth.

Shut up about the Sun.

Shut up about the Sun!

Okay, I'm not a doctor,

but I think the medical term
for that was a spaz-out.

Gabe just lost it.

That's the best part
about communing a tribunal--

one "bunal" can go down,

and you still have
two "bunals" left.

Right?

Andy. How'd it go?

Well, I don't wanna brag, but...

I did my best.

Hello.

I forgot something in my car.

You guys are so cute.

When are you
gonna get back together?

Never. We're just friends.

Oh.

Okay, my mistake.

You know, you could have
any man

in this whole office
with your legs.

I say go for it
if you're interested.

But you're not, so...

never mind.

I am unhappy
with the confusing

and, at times, confrontational
nature of that meeting.

I wanted it to go better.

I wanted it to go better!

Yes, there used to be
a paper clip

that would pop up and say,

"Looks like you are writing
a letter or résumé.

Would you like help?"

I believe his name was... Clippy.

How do I get that to happen

with this version
of the software?

No, I don't have the box handy.

No, it's not registered
in my name.

First of all,
I wanna thank you

for your years
of patronizing our company.

I've got some bad news.

We're going out of business.

[whispers]
Saving face.

Yep, yep.
I understand that.

Basically everything's
falling apart here.

How is this on me?

Hang up.

Corporate needs you
to find the differences

between this picture
and this picture.

Intel has told us
there are at least seven.

Okay. I already see one. Gimme.

Okay.

They're the same picture.

Well, I manage my department,

and I've been doing that
for several years now.

And, God, I've learned a lot
of life lessons along the way.

Your department's
just you, right?

Yes, Jim, but I am not
easy to manage.

Great.
Um, can we just...

- What was that?
- We just have

a lot of serious candidates
to get through today, so...

Am I not a serious candidate?

What do you want me to say?

I mean, there's a line
of qualified people out there.

We have a video CV
from England.

Are we all just gonna
pretend to--

okay.
Um...

what are your weaknesses?

I don't have any,
ass[bleep].

Erin, I believe you have
my résumé on file.

Please print out four copies
on 32-pound cotton stock.

Bright white. No.

- Ivory.
- Yes, sir.

- Who's in there now?
- Kelly.

Oh, for God's sake.

So Kelly, what do you think
the future holds

for the paper business?

Uh, me peeing
on Gabe's corpse.

I want an interview.

- How's the family?
- Good.

- Good? Are they good?
- Yeah.

What's your daughter's
name again?

Peepee?

- Peepa.
- Peepa. How is she?

- Great.
- Great!

Oh, that's great.

We never were very good
at smalltalk, were we, Jim?

- No.
- Now, listen--

You're not getting
an interview, Dwight.

The whole point of this
Search Committee process

is to prevent hiring
someone like you ever again.

Okay. I know why
you're saying that, Jim.

I really do.
But think of it this way.

The hand that reaches
from the grave

to grip your throat

is the strong hand
you want on the wheel.

- Okay. That's vivid.
- Now, I'm gonna make you

an offer, okay?

You even do so little
as grant me an interview,

I will guarantee you
your dream work life, okay?

You roll in at 10:00 a.m.

to your own private
reserved parking spot,

pick up your daily free coffee
from Dwight's Caffeine Corner,

unlimited sex breaks
for you and Pam.

- Yikes.
- Erin will eat garbage

for your entertainment.

Wow. You know how I like
taking bribes.

- Ha ha!
- But unfortunately,

Jo also took the job
away from you

because she doesn't
trust your judgment.

So how would that
look for me

if I recommended you?

Fine.

I'll do it without you.
You'll regret this.

Okay.

Let me get that for you.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

As long as you keep it moist,
it's easy to work with.

And I can't just use a tube
of Crescent Rolls?

You know what?
Go to McDonald's for dinner.

Why cook?

Mm-hmm.

Pam.

I think Robert is gay.

The senator?

He was married before,
and he has a kid.

- So--
- And don't say that thing

about how lots of gay guys
have kids.

I have a very strong suspicion.

Did you...?

Oh!
[laughs]

No. No.

Did you see him
at a bathhouse?

What bathhouse?

The windowless building
by the Baskin Robbins.

- What?
- Forget it.

I'm never gonna know
what goes on there.

Name--David Brent.
Occupation--inspirer.

Status--none of your business.

Young, free,
and single, though.

Thanks for asking.

Hey, you're looking
for a new boss, yeah?

Someone to tell
a bunch of discontented,

under-encouraged drones
what to do every day.

Is that it? Oh.
Our out-of-touch powers that be.

Want me to fire them?
They don't see things your way?

Then I am that dude.
Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye.

Get some other corporate suit
to lay down the law.

What?
You've changed your mind?

You're now looking for
a leader of men?

Ipso facto... women too.

When do I start?

Huh?

- Oh! Hey.
- Hi--hey.

I realized
I never paid you back

for that lunch you paid for,
like, a month ago.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Well, it's money.

I was thinking I could
make dinner for you tonight.

Like a Middle Eastern feast.

Chicken schwimmers,
shashkaboobs, pita with hommos.

Well, I think
I only lent you, like, $3.

That would be
so much more trouble.

Just bring the money tomorrow.

No big deal.

[in thuggish voice]
Or else I'll break your legs.

Cuh!

[in British accent]
Not if I can help it!

My friend
at the Scranton Blade

is totally plugged into
these matters.

You're in the gay mafia.

You're thinking of
another group--

much wealthier, much older.
[whispers] You sound ignorant.

You guys, um...
talking senator?

- No.
- No.

Why would we be talking
about the senator?

'Cause he's totally gay.

Um, how do I know
that Robert is gay?

He liked my Facebook photos

at 3:00 in the morning.

It was a really good photo, though.

Do you know what it took
to get Bob to notice me?

I waited in his office
every morning

wearing nothing
but kitty cat ears.

I did that every day
for two weeks.

And on the tenth day,
he walked in.

He was naked too,
except a dog nose.

- Guess what we did then?
- I don't think I can do that--

Bestiality.
Yeah.

That's not my personality.

If my daughter
were asking me...

Yes?

[both giggling]

I would say
if you want someone--

if you really want them--

go get them.

I do really want him.

So, uh...
here you go.

- Great.
- Hope it's all right.

I'm sure it's fine.

The guy who was
in here earlier,

interviewed after me...
how'd he do?

Howard Cline?

That's not
who I'm talking about.

Oh. Deshaun Williams.

Yes. How did he do?

He's an amazing man.
He's a Rhodes Scholar.

He invented an app
that invents apps.

Fantastic kisser.

Come on, man.
I'm being serious.

- It's no joke.
- Darryl, we all know you.

Your interview
is not nearly as important

as the other guy's.

[knocks on desk]

This job will be
life-changing for me.

I wanna tell my
eight-year-old daughter

I am the manager
of Dunder Mifflin.

I wanna tell my sister

I am the manager
of Dunder Mifflin.

I wanna tell girls at the club

I can afford this bottle
of champagne.

First I'll take down
the cubicle walls.

But there aren't--

Symbol of transparency.

There'd be no titles.

Everyone has the same job.

Same goes for me.

I'd take your job,
but I'd reject the title.

A little unspecific.

Everyone would be known

for their accomplishments.

That's very interesting.

Um... I feel like
there might be a conflict there,

and if a conflict did arise,
how would that be dealt with?

Oh!
Yeah.

Mm.

Scratch everything
from before.

I tell you what I'd do.
Go the other way.

More cubicles.

More division.

Everyone is somebody's boss,

and that person can fire
the person below them.

[overlapping comments]

And once a month
the lowest-performing person--

cchh.

Bye-bye.

How would you compare,
like, an accountant and HR?

Well, I'll tell you how,
shall I?

- I'll tell you how.
- Okay.

By splitting the difference.

Just--just somewhere
in the middle.

I think
that's probably all...

we need to hear from--

Zen office.

Hmm?

Thought of that?
That's what I'd do.

Everyone takes their shoes off
before they come in, okay?

There'd be no desks.
You just sit on the floor.

- That's very--
- You've got a Thai woman

out in the back--
Sockee.

- Okay.
- Sockee.

- That's not--
- Sockee is her name, okay?

She's administering massage,
all right, if you need it.

If you don't, whatever.
Just talk to her.

She's a person.

Either way,
50 minutes of that,

and you...

you are cracking to go.

- [clears throat]
- Office of the future.

Like the inside
of a Virgin airplane.

Telecommuting, right?
Everyone's at home.

The office is just
a big, empty space.

It's just full of screens.

- Why would we--
- Sony. Sony.

Everything's just Sony.
Made of Sony. From Sony.

I don't think that's how
telecommuting works.

- Why--
- And then...

we sell tickets to tourists

for them to see the office
of the future.

- Okay, well--
- Cutting edge!

You have to hire me.

There's no ideas left.

That's all the ideas there is.

There's...
[knocks on desk]

A lot more
where they came from.

Ooh.

Jim! What can you tell us?

- Is there a frontrunner?
- You know what?

They all just sort of blend
together after a while.

Well, there must be
someone who stands out.

No, not at all.

In fact, I'm not even
taking it seriously.

I think at the end of the day,

I'm just gonna pick
a name out of the hat.

Well--

The hell you will!

I worked for the last boss
for 15 years.

According to my doctor,
I don't have another 15 years

if I wanna keep up the same
dietary and sexual lifestyle,

which I intend to.

Oh, no, Stanley.
You'll live forever.

My next boss
will be my last boss.

He'll be at my funeral.

So I would appreciate it if
you would take this seriously.

Uh--

You pick a crappy boss,

you're responsible
for my crappy life.

Okay, everybody.
I was just making a joke.

I am taking it seriously.
I promise.

Are you?

Little advice?

Take a day off
from the whole Jim shtick.

Try caring about something.

You might like how it feels, James.

Gabe, honey.

Oh, lord.
Take all this.

All right.

- Here.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Jim.

Did you hear Stern
this morning?

- No. Was he good?
- Ah... Robin was good.

She's always good.
Keeps him on his toes.

It's Howard's show, though.

Whose is this?

Darryl Philbin.

Oh. Very nice to see
a familiar face on top.

Ah, a little long, aren't we?
Four pages?

Is this the same Darryl Philbin

who's had two jobs in ten years
at one company?

Yes, thanks to you
who promoted me

after we, uh... interfaced.

"Interfaced regularly
with CEO

on matters of long-term
strategic goals."

When you visit, you say,
"What's the scoop, Darryl?"

"Coordinated and implemented
receipt, storage,

and delivery of over
2.5 billion units of inventory."

2.5 billion, Darryl?

2.5 billion units of what?

Paper material, ma'am.

Paper material?

[softly]
Pieces of paper.

Anybody have a calculator?

Oh, you figure, what,

500 sheets a ream,
24 reams a case,

how long you worked here...

Well, I can see how you landed
in that ballpark.

Laid end-to-end,
it's enough to almost stretch

60% of the way to the Moon.

I think this résumé almost
stretches halfway to the Moon.

[clears throat] Jo. May I
speak to you for a second?

Or what?
You gonna shoot me?

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha...

oh, I enjoy laughing
at my mistakes.

Because I've learned
so much from them.

I'd like to be interviewed
for the position.

I'll interview you
right now.

- Okay.
- Question one.

Ever shot a gun in the office?

It's complicated...

Yeah, but see... it's not.

I will not give up.

I won't even be discouraged.
Why?

Because managing this office
is my destiny.

My only potential obstacle

is if becoming manager is
someone else's destiny as well.

But hey, if this is a case
of clashing destinies,

enjoy the show.

I don't think
we should tell her.

Angela went a whole day
without telling me

I had lettuce in my teeth.
Screw her.

I'm a woman.
I would want to know.

Yeah. You gotta know.

Okay. But if Angela
can get a gay man to marry her,

maybe I could get
a lesbian to marry me.

Huh? Huh? That's hot.

You have met a lesbian
in real life, right?

What we should warn her about

is that the whole institution
of marriage is corrupt.

Okay, we're not
talking about that.

We're not talking
about marriage.

You know, this probably is
her last chance at a family.

- I--
- Wow.

She does seem happy.

You're right.
You're right.

She seems happy.
We don't tell her.

- We don't tell her.
- Okay.

Okay, we don't tell her.

So what else
should we gossip about?

Ooh, I know, like who's
gonna be the new manager?

Right?

Will it be...

me?

Yes. Yes, it will.

It might.

Excuse me, Ms. Bennett,
may I have a word?

Okay.

Can it be in private?

Don't worry.
It's not about you.

As minority executive,

I think it's my responsibility
to let you know

that Gabe is gross.

I don't think it's professional

that he was sleeping
with the receptionist,

and then when Erin dumped him
so that she could be with Andy,

he became a total
crazy stalker psycho.

Welcome to Scranton, Jo,

land of a thousand problems
only you can fix.

[cell phone buzzes]

Oh, for God's sake.

He's texting me his resume
one line at a time.

These are costing me
10¢ apiece, you jackass.

I'm roaming!

Get me our biggest client
on the phone

right this instant.

Who is our biggest client?

Uh, just put him through
to me.

[laughs]
Okay.

[phone rings]

Hello, this is...
the client.

It's Creed.

FYI, I'm starting
my own paper company.

Looking to poach some chumps.
You in?

- Yes.
- [chuckles] Cool!

Let's keep this on the QT,
okay?

I, uh, don't want you
to be a dead mammajamma.

Great. Bye-bye.

[exhales]

Get me our
second-biggest client.

This is great. I love work.

Again?
[both chuckle]

[phone rings]

Hold, please.

[phone rings]

[clears throat]

[in deep voice]
Hello?

Who is this?

Uh, this is your
second-biggest client.

I want you to listen
very carefully.

I'm gonna sing you a song.

[speaking rhythmically
in strange language]

[knock at door]

Jo, you have one more candidate.

He's a burn victim.

Huh?

He's all messed up.

I can tell him
to get lost if you want.

No. Send him in.

Who is this?

- I have no idea.
- Oh, I know this guy.

Um...

hello, Mr. Souvenier.

Mr. Jacques Souvenier?

Nice to meet you.
It says here you're French?

So you worked
at your last job for 15 years

as assistant
to the regional manager.

Assistant regional manager.

Assistant
to the regional manager.

- Assistant regional manager.
- What is it?

[cheesy French accent]
Assistant regional manager.

Oh. That's my mistake.
Sorry about that.

The last paper company
you worked for

burned to the ground?

And "All because they wouldn't
hire a manager

who lived and breathed paper."

That's a travesty.

I wanna talk
to Dwight Schrute for a second.

I wanna ask him a question.

Get Dwight.

If he isn't here
in 60 seconds...

Wait, wait!
No. Stop, stop.

Jo...

it's me.
I'm Dwight.

No.

No. Wait. But--

I mean, you're Dwight
and then...

he's the--

Yeah.

Ohh!

Very unprofessional, Jacques.

Or should I say Dwight?

Let's just say I had hired
this Jack Souvenier.

Then what?

I would have dressed
this way every day,

legally changed my name,
learned French sign language,

shown up, and been the best
damn branch manager

you'd ever seen.

All that for this job.

Yes.

That's [bleep] Crazy.

Get outta here.

[door closes]
What a nut job.

This guy was good.

Although he did keep saying

that he needed two weeks off
right at the beginning

for a trip
to the Finger Lakes.

Seriously, every five minutes
he was like,

"Hey, just making sure the
Finger Lakes thing is clear."

Okay. It's fun to talk
about the rejects,

but, uh...
who's got ya excited?

Finger Lakes guy is good.

Darryl is also very good.

You know, I just wish
we'd find a candidate

that knows the company
as well as, say,

some of the people
on this committee.

You know, who've been here
for a long time.

Interesting.

It'd be a demotion for Gabe,

and Jim's not interested, so...

Are you trying to tell me
you should be manager?

You pulling a Dick Cheney?

N-no.
I-I am--I'm just saying

if we can't find someone...

yeah, sure, I'd do it.

[laughs]
You're funny.

Little Dick Cheney.

Well...

You want it? Ask for it.

Say you're the best man
for the job.

Well, I would work
really hard, and I--

I mean, you could do worse.

- Uh, 'cause the--
- Oh, for God's sake.

Who's this fellow?
Went to Cornell.

- What's wrong with him?
- How much time do you have?

Sales ability--none.

Integrity:
see sales ability.

And that's your unbiased opinion.

- Yes, it is.
- So it's not relevant

that he took the receptionist
away from ya.

Aw, Jo.
Jo, I'm disappointed in you.

Some people let personal
things into the workp--

is she with him?
Because I-I thought that--

Gabe!
Ohh!

Back when I bought this place,
I was looking for a ghost.

Someone to flitter around,
spooking people,

keeping them on their toes,
and then disappear.

My girlfriend
said she knew a man

who looked like a ghost.

And he went to business school.

But a ghost ain't supposed
to date people.

You think you're Beetlejuice?

No. I'm no Beetlejuice.

You're no good to me up here.

You got all close
to these people,

got involved in their lives.

Let's get ya back
to Florida.

We'll figure out
something for ya.

That sounds like
a promotion.

It's not.

Let's get Kelly in here
to take his place.

Um... why Kelly?

'Cause Gabe's tall and weak.
She's short and strong.

I'm doing an opposites thing.

[whispers]
Okay.

How'd my girl Nelly do?

Oh, I didn't know
you knew her.

- She didn't mention it?
- No.

Integrity move.
I like it.

Yeah, we met at some dumb
women in business seminar.

I was the speaker, and she was
the only person there

who wasn't trying to sell
some Curves rip-off.

Yeah, uh, she also
gave me reason to think

that maybe she wasn't
a good fit.

Well, I'm not saying
you must hire her.

If you find someone
who's clearly a fit, then fine.

Just make sure
they fit real good.

No more manager turnover.
Don't mess this up, Jim.

And give Dwight
an interview.

I like a little bit
of crazy.

- Ah!
- Erin, what are you doing?

I've been turned
into a puppet.

- Okay.
- [giggling]

Look at the puppet.
Hi, puppet.

Who are you?

I was going to put on
a puppet show today

to warn people
about the faulty outlet

behind the fax machine.

But change of plans.

I went to drop off
the FedEx forms,

and an evil witch named Angela
turned me into a puppet!

[laughs]
Yeah.

Low blow, puppet.

And there's only one thing
that can change me back

into a real girl.

It's good.

It's just that
I wish the puppet

would talk more about
the alphabet.

Not for me, but...

if any kids are watching.

A, B, and so forth.

You know.

M, N, L, O. P.

F.

X.

See, I'm a numbers guy,

but I'm also very familiar
with the letters.

W.

U.

Double-Y.

I need the most
special thing in the office.

Silence?

A date with
the best salesman...

Andy Bernard!

[giggles]

- Hey, Erin.
- Oh.

Where'd you learn
how to puppet like that?

- I've done it all my life--
- Listen, I'm really flattered,

but I don't think we should.

Erin's my best friend
in this office,

hands down.

But...

when she asked me out,

I just didn't have
that feeling, you know?

Aren't there some things
that you really want to like

but you just can't
seem to like it?

Like Mad Men or football.

Let's not forget.
Erin chose Gabe over me.

That happened.

I'm not gonna apologize
for getting over her... okay?

I'm sorry.

I would go for someone
who's more...

She's great, though.

[elevator bell dings]

- Hey. Jim.
- Hey.

- Yep.
- Elevator man.

- All right.
- So, listen, um...

I feel like
I came off terribly today,

and I wanted to start over.
What can I do?

Should I call Jo, or maybe have
my old boss call over here--

Listen, listen, listen.
This isn't you, okay?

The Darryl we all love,
he's calm, he's confident,

so just be that guy.

- Okay.
- All right?

Okay, yeah.
I was thinking that.

- All right.
- Thanks.

- Yep.
- Means a lot.

Stanley,
I won't be able to invite

everyone to the wedding,

because we wanna keep it
to 350.

- I'll get over it.
- I mean,

we just have to see
how many senators

and members of Congress
want to attend

before we can open it up
to regular people.

Pam, you know how you and Jim
did your ironic wedding?

Do you still have the plans

for the dream wedding
that you couldn't afford?

That was our dream wedding.

[clicks tongue]
Niagara Falls?

Pregnant?
That was your dream?

Pork medallions?

I hope...

you have a very beautiful
wedding, Angela.

Hmm.

So Angela, are you looking
forward to your wedding night?

What goes on in our bedroom

is none of your business, Phyllis.

Or yours.

Oh, Oscar.

You build up these enemies
in your head,

and you wanna see them suffer.

But the thing is...

you don't.

You don't.

[clicks tongue]
Oh, Oscar.

All right.

- Name.
- Dwight Schrute.

Thank you, Mr. Scnoot.
We will let you know.

- You have to interview me.
- I just did.

The answer
to that one question

told me everything
I need to know.

How did I do?

To be honest, I'm leaning
towards another man.

His name's Jacques Souvenier.

But would you like to be
his number two?

Oh, God, it's gonna be hard, but...

yeah, I would do it.

Okay, well, there's a lot
to think about,

so we will get back to you.

Well--no, I demand
more questions!

All right, guys.
Good day.

A lot of candidates.
Let's discuss.

Okay, if you're not gonna
interview me,

- then I'll do it.
- Yes.

What will be
your first priority?

I will have seven
first priorities.

Safety, profits,

fostering a community
of self-reliance

and entrepreneurship,

listening,

respect for human life,

bolstering our public image,

and...[chuckles]
Getting everyone home on time.

Dwight, let me be frank.

In an accident
that no one can blame you for,

an antique gun was discharged
while you were acting manager.

How are we ever
to trust you again?

[quietly]
That's a great question.

I am going to institute

a strict no-firearms policy
for this office

that extends to myself
as well.

Wow. All of my concerns
are disappearing.

- Thank you, Dwight.
- Thank you.

[clears throat]

You'll be hearing from us
shortly, Mr. Schrute,

and I think you're going to
like the call

you're going to receive.

Oh, come on.

I'm just happy
that I got this meeting.

[door closes]

Well, that was quick.

[exhales]
Very, very interesting.

And you know what?
I'm impressed.

- He's not a real candidate.
- I don't know, Jim,

'cause it makes me think
about something

that my grandfather
used to say, which is that

sometimes the hand
that jumps out of the grave

and grabs you
around the throat,

that is the hand
that you want on the wheel.

- You took the deal.
- Yeah. It was a great deal.

- That's not okay.
- I don't know.

Dwight seems like
a great leader to me,

and I look forward
to the personal perks

that he promised me privately.

What do you think, Toby?

Well, we could try him out
for a little while.

If it doesn't work out,
you know,

maybe one of us could,
you know, step in...

What is happening
right now?

Is it true that you're
making Dwight the manager?

No.
Why would you think that?

Well, he and Kelly said,
then they pre-fired me.

Okay.

Okay, guys,
just so you all know,

no decision has been made.

And Dwight is definitely
not the boss.

That is correct.

Actually, Dwight is not
the manager yet.

No, no, no, not--not ever,
'cause that's not gonna happen.

Well, it's not entirely
up to you, is it?

Seems to me like someone
is getting a little power mad.

Am I the only one
who remembers

what he did
when he was in charge?

I feel like I'm going
a little bit crazy.

Tuna...
you're completely sane.

- Thank you.
- Who do you like for the job?

Is there anyone who maybe

was a little underwhelming
at first

but now seems like a safe...

if not slightly unexciting
choice?

Okay, seems like everybody
has an opinion, so who else?

- Anybody?
- Do you mean it?

Anybody?
Are you sure?

[wearily]
I suppose I am.

Okay, well, what do I want
in a manager?

Let me see.

What do I want?

I don't think he meant--

So now anyone gets to talk
at any time?

Go ahead.

What do I want?

I'm looking for someone

who...

Everyone
is listening to me.

- Can I say--
- Yes.

I think it should be Darryl.

- Okay.
- What a surprise.

- Minorities sticking together.
- Kelly's on your side.

I'm sorry, is that all
you think of me--a minority?

I am so much more than that.

I am a dancer.
I'm a singer.

I'm a fashion designer.

Whoever it is,
I think they should be lame.

Kind of a nonthreatening,
moderate personality.

- I want an outsider.
- Perfect.

There are several outside
candidates that we think--

No, I mean an outsider.

Like someone
on the margins of society

who doesn't see things
the way we do,

like a homeless person.

A homeless person. Really?

- A homeless person.
- No. You're right, Pam.

Let's just leave them
to the welfare system

- and let that handle it.
- No, I want you to say

that you think the best person
to be our new manager

is a homeless person.

Let me guess
who you want, Pam.

Rachael Ray?
The ladies of The View?

I got away with everything
under the last boss,

and it wasn't good for me
at all.

So I want guidance.
I want leadership.

But don't just, like,
boss me around, you know?

Like, lead me.

Lead me...
when I'm in the mood

to be led.

I just want, for once,

a small, professional, decisive,

well-hung man
in his 40s.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Okay, fine.

Uh, the guy
with a tiny penis.

Are you happy?
Let's hire that guy!

She may have a point there.

Would a small penis work?

Small to moderate.

Gotta catch a plane.

Oh, hey, Gabe, I'm sorry.

We didn't get you
a cake or anything.

We're gonna miss you.

Oh, well, I'm still the
corporate liaison to the branch.

You are not leaving
without giving me a hug.

[both chuckle]

- Ugh!
- Okay, you know what?

You don't need
to make that sound.

I'm sorry.
You were just a lot bonier

than I thought
you were gonna be!

There are plenty of people
who love touching me.

I'm a terrific hugger.

I've been with
a bunch of girls

where that's basically
all they wanna do.

- I will see you all soon.
- Later, man.

- Good luck.
- We'll miss you.

- Good luck at your new job.
- Take care, man.

Uh, listen up.
[clears throat]

Listen up, ladies.

I want the job.

There. I said it.

I'm educated.
I'm capable.

I like all of you,
and I won't make any changes.

I see it.

I see it like I see a mountain
that I'm standing in front of

and facing
and I'm liking.

Yeah.

Andy would be wonderful
as boss.

Erin made a good point.

No. We're not related.
I got the call.

But...
I'll tell her some other day.

Okay, what's going on?

I thought I told you guys
to expand the company.

It looks exactly the same.

I'm very disappointed.

Jordana?
Get me Jo on the phone.

- [door closes]
- Okay, nobody say anything.

[phone rings]

Hey, Creed, this is Jo.

No, don't say another word.

I need you to take a nap
right now.

Yes--I wanna talk to you
in your dream.

Lay down and put the phone--

great, very good.

[in baby-talk voice]
Okay, you're gonna go to sleep.

[normally] Okay, I think
we have about 40 minutes.

What about Darryl?

We can all agree that
he's a stand-up guy, right?

He's very nice, laid-back.
Overall just a good guy.

What if he brings some of
those warehouse types up here?

They're not carnies.

Can we see
a birth certificate?

I mean, how do we know
he wasn't born

in Mooba-Jooba or something?

What difference
would that make?

I'm just saying,
American jobs

should go to Americans.

[hocks, spits]

Meredith, you can't just spit
in the office.

Wha--

Okay, I went too far.

Angela.

Well, let me be clear.
I only speak for myself

and not myself
and the senator.

I think we have
some wonderful candidates,

and there is a great
lively debate here.

- But let's think about--
- No. No.

No. Sorry. We cut Kevin off
for the same thing.

You have to have something
to say if you talk.

Exactly.

Jada. No, no, no.
Jada, what are you do--

oh. So sorry, guys.

I hope my family
didn't disrupt your meeting.

Daddy, are these the people
who are making you manager?

Maybe, sweetheart.
[sighs]

Single dad. Challenges.

I don't know
if he'd be a good manager,

but he's a really great dad.

Okay. Shush.
This was a mistake.

Let's go.

Well, I can tell
that this job

will never be his priority.
[clears throat]

Everybody here is an idiot.

We all went
into the paper business

at the dawn of the Internet.

We put years and years
of our life

into a mom-and-pop business

in the age of bigger
and bigger chain stores.

Everyone is saying
that we are done,

that we will never make it.

You're too old, you're too fat
to ever succeed.

What's fat got to do with it?

They said
my candidacy was dead.

They said that I would
never get an interview.

Well, I did.

And you know what?

I am on the brink

of capturing
that very same job.

Me!

Me!
[laughs]

The guy who fired a gun
in the office!

Right?

Now, if I can make it,
we can make it.

Are you serious?

He alienated everyone
in the office.

Every single person!

He shot a gun.

I could have killed somebody,
and yet...

[emphatically]
Here I am.

Thank you for your time.

[scattered applause]

Please don't clap.
Please don't clap.

It seems like
we all know enough to vote.

- Should just vote now?
- What? No, no, no.

- It's not a vote.
- Then what was this all about?

I don't know.

This conversation
really got away from me.

I don't care.
They can just vote.

No, they can't.

That's not how
this is gonna work.

[exhales]
We're going in this room.

We're gonna have a meeting.

We're gonna make
a recommendation to Jo,

and she's gonna give you her
recommendation on Monday, okay?

What the hell happened
out there?

Sometimes you hear people
talking about failing upwards.

I think I'm about to do that.

This job?
Oh, yeah, I'll get it.

Jo's an old friend.

I think...
I'm her best friend.

She's not my best friend.

Every day,
I have a blueberry muffin.

Today I did not have
a blueberry muffin.

Should have had
the blueberry muffin.

Especially considering how
incredibly superstitious I am.

No. I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.

I will be the new boss of...

Vance Refrigeration.

Honestly, I think I--
I sabotaged myself.

It's like I'm afraid
of being happy.

Case in point...

I was supposed to start
another job today.

[laughs]
I will get offered the job.

That's a... call I've received
many times.

The slight...
hopefulness in their voice,

the pregnant pause
while they...

wait to hear my response.

And then...
my response.

I want the job.

I really do.

It's just the rest
of my family's

in the Finger Lakes
right now.

I'm supposed to be
in the Finger Lakes right now.

I told 'em I was on a hike,
snuck away to do this interview.

I gotta get back pretty soon.
They'll worry.

People disappear
in the Finger Lakes.

I will run this branch

or I will destroy this branch.

Or... I don't know.

Something always works out.

You remind me so much
of my fourth-biggest client.

[high voice]
Is that right?

I think you two
should meet.

Well, okay...

Hey, Jordana,
patch my ninth-

and my fourth-biggest client together.

[thuggish voice] Hello?
[high voice] Hello!

Hi, how are ya?
"Oh, I'm good!

Don't you just love paper
and things about paper?"

Hey, are you single?

This seems like
a love connection to me.

It's kismet!

Personally, I think Darryl
would be good.

Oh, it has to be Darryl.

Or someone I don't know.

I thought the woman
who came in,

she seemed like she had
a fun energy.

I'm not a sexist;

I just really don't want it
to be a woman.

I just feel that women
are generally

less competent than men
and less rational.

Again, I'm not a sexist.

Even Andy?

They need to pick someone.

Just someone. Fast.