All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S07E13.The.Seminar.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Oh, sorry, mate.

[bad English accent]
Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me.

- [laughing] What you doin'?
- English?

You picked on the wrong
person, I can tell you that.

I'm not picking
on you at all.

You're English, correct?

Yeah, big time, yeah.

I'm working
on an English character.

Would you mind gi--

it's called
Reginald Pooftah.

Ooh!

David Brent, my liege.
How are you?

- Michael Scott.
- Oh, there you go.

I do characters as well.

I got a Chinese fella.

Not politically correct, but
he's called Ho Li [bleep].

- That's what it sounds like.
- [laughing]

- Herrow! Herrow!
- I do Ping.

Herrow. I Ping.

You can't do that these days.
You can't.

No, no, no.
And people don't understand

that it has nothing to do
with making fun

of a different nationality.

No, no, no.

No, comedy is a place
where the mind goes

to tickle itself.

That's what she said.

[laughing]

Ohh!

That's good.
Pleasure to meet you.

- Where are you working?
- Dunder Mifflin.

- Any jobs going?
- No, not right now.

- Just let me know.
- All right.

- See ya around.
- All right.

Bye-bye.

What a nice guy.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

Should we get her something?

She looks comfortable.

[door opens]

Your first student is here,

Mister Bernard.

That's actually
"Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.

Last year,
I went to a seminar

called "The Ten Secrets
of Real Estate."

Turns out it was
just a ploy

to sell me
time-shares in Idaho.

Cut to, you know, I'm spending
a weekend in Boise,

terrible time,
super lonely.

But I get to thinking

maybe I should put on
my own seminar

to lure clients.

Oh, it's--

[door closes]

[gruff, accented voice]
Hello, I am here

for the small business seminar.

Michael?

Nein! I'm Greek!

My name is Mikanos.

Ooh.

- Ohh.
- [snickers]

Wait, Michael?

- Michael?
- Okay.

I am the plant.

Every great seminar
has one.

My job is to make
the speaker look good,

and I do this
through the techniques

of leading questions

and laughing
at all jokes.

And the character, Mikanos,

is just a little added flava.

Mikanos is loosely based on
another character I do, Spiros,

who is more
about the ladies.

Thank you so much,
Tuna Turner.

You are simply the best.

Listen, this isn't
a favor, all right?

This is a good idea.
We all win.

Go higher.

I get super flexible
when I'm nervous.

Wow.

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.

Hey, Andy, I'm really,
really sorry to do this to you,

but I have a meeting today

that I totally forgot,

so I can't be
a part of this seminar.

No. What?

You can't do that.

You are a critical part
of this seminar.

- You're the charming warm-up guy.
- I know.

If the seminar was a meal,
you'd be the amuse-bouche.

You, like, signal
the flavors of the whole night.

I'm really sorry.
I can't do it

You can't. You can't.

I can't have this
go badly.

I'm a terrible salesman,

and I haven't been
making very many sales lately,

or ever.

This is my only idea
on how to turn things around.

If it goes badly,
I might lose my job,

which would suck,
because this is

the only job
I've ever been good at.

[slaps desk]

Will you let me know

when this
whole seminar thing's over?

What's going on?
Do you know that guy?

I just have a meeting,
uh, outside the office.

Hey.

How are the marks?

What are some
of your small business ideas?

I was thinking
we could buy up

a bunch
of abandoned mineshafts.

all: Oh.

That's great.

There's a big,
big future in that.

A lot of mines in Scranton.

Um, what about you?

- Uh, credit cards.
- Uh-huh.

My company will act
as an intermedium

for, like, 0.2 cents
off every transaction.

Wow!

Or something
with cell phones,

like, every time
you make a phone call,

I'd make 0.2 cents.

Or anything--like,
any online shopping,

- I get 0.2 cents basically.
- Right.

- Okay? Okay.
- Great.

You promised us whales.
These are worms.

They're not worms,
Dwight, okay?

They're just people
with tiny businesses.

They're baby whales,
which is even cuter.

I'm out.

Stanley, you're
supposed to close.

Sales is not hard.

Here's what I do.

I make my pitch.

Then I stare.

Want me to stop?

Buy something.

I'm out, too.

What?

I already lost Jim.

Salesmen are supposed
to help each other out.

We're supposed
to be a team.

We're no more a team

than the people staying
in the same hotel are a team.

I just need your help.

Of course you do.

Because you can't close sales.

I would not say
I can't close sales, Phyllis.

I would say
I cannot close sales.

But that's just my personal
speaking style.

Closing is about
asking for money

and not taking no for an answer.

But I was raised
never to speak of money

and never to ask for anything.

Our needs were anticipated.

[both speaking Korean]

Pretty strong start, Gabe.

Yeah. You wanna forfeit?

[inhales sharply]
Say your prayers, buster.

I'd say the same,
but even God can't help you now.

Leave, Gabe.

Gabe and I play Scrabble
on our phones,

and the winner gets to pick
the movie we watch.

I have won no games.

So far I've seen
The Shining,

Rosemary's Baby,

The Ring.

Not really my thing.

Although, I--

I do like the early parts
of the movies

where they have
a perfect family and everything.

Hey, who's this?

Oh, I had to get
the rest of my stuff

out of AJ's apartment.

That's Fluffy.

Fluffy? I like that.

Hi, Fluffy. Hi, Fluffy.

AJ named her.
I never liked it.

Oh.

Well, the good thing
about goldfish,

they forget everything they know
in two seconds,

so you could just rename him.

- Never know.
- Goldfinger.

Mm, goldschlager.

- Golda Meir.
- [laughs] Golden Shower.

No.

- Goldie Hawn?
- [laughs]

Goldie Prawn.

[both laugh]

Well done.

You know
what might be kind of fun?

I was thinking, you know
Andy's having a seminar today?

What if we went in
as a Greek couple?

Mikanos and...

Oh, I don't know, Michael.
I'm not feeling up to that.

Okay.

Holly broke up
with AJ last week,

which is
the greatest thing

that has ever happened...
to me.

To Holly, it's been
the worst week of her life,

and I know for a fact

that there was a week
for her in high school

when she got mono
and her first period ever.

Too much information?

That's what I thought.

But you know what?

Here I am using it.

[as Mikanos]
If-a you change-a you mind,

why don't you talk
to Mikanos?

Is Mikanos Greek?
He sounds Italian.

Ugh. You're the fifth person
to tell me that today.

Maybe Mikanos ran away
to join the Italian circus.

Okay, yeah,
like a character history.

Good.
Tom Hanks does that.

Try a little more gravel
like he's a smoker.

[gravelly]
I am Mi--

- That's scary.
- That's gonna really hurt.

That's really scary, yeah.

[muttering]
Bairn...

beern...

Down... there.

Is "jlp" a word?

"Jelp"? J-E-L-P?

No, J-L-P.

Like, "I jlp--
I jlp you!"

I don't think
that's a word.

I'm playing Scrabble
with Gabe,

and I've never won a game.

You want some help?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

I'm not letting Gabe do this.

Jim and I used to play Boggle
against each other,

and when he would win, he would
get so cocky about it.

It ruined Boggle for me.

Ruined words for me.

Boggle? Um, yes

I am pretty good at Boggle.

Is that guy still here,
by the way?

K-A. "Ka"?

What does "ka" mean?

It means
you're playing someone

who's going to destroy you.

Why did you play "moo"?

Because
I'm playing to win.

I'm playing "moo,"
I'm playing "milk,"

whatever it takes.

Okay, but look,
you could have hit "mood."

- Would have played a...
- Uh!

A triple word.

Like the cow
mood yesterday.

God.

Or moon.

The cow jumped
over the moon.

You know it doesn't have
to just be cow stuff, right?

Kevin, Jim dropped
out of my seminar,

and I'm just--

I was wondering
if you could replace him

as my charming warm-up guy.

Andy, I'm no Jim.

The only way that I'm Jim
is in the movie version

when Jim sees
what his future would be like

if he never met Pam.

Hey, that's crazy talk.

I think you're great.

Then I won't
let you down.

- Pink.
- Indigo.

Hi, Ryan, you went
to business school, right?

- Yeah.
- I need someone

to talk to this seminar
about business.

- And?
- Can you do it?

Okay. I don't--I don't
like committing to things

just like that.

So no?

No,
I don't like committing

to not doing things, either.

That's just
as big a commitment.

Oh, baby.

What do I put
you down for, bro hombre?

Yes.

- All right!
- Yes, I'll do it.

Okay, thank you so much.

It's gonna be awesome.

- And if I flake, I flake.
- What?

- Kevin, you open it up.
- Yep.

Ryan, you come in

with your small biz
expertise, right?

And then Creed,
guest speaker extraordinaire.

And then I come in and just
close all the sales and stuff.

Um, okay, here we go.

One, two, three!

- Go.
- Creed!

Ha!

Welcome, everybody.
Awesome to see you guys.

My name's Andy Bernard,

but you can call me
the Nard Dog.

Hi, Nard Dog.
I'm Lu Peachem.

Let's get things started,
shall we?

You guys ready to hear

from the Dunder Mifflin
business experts?

[clapping]

Good. Well, as you can see
on your program,

first up
is a speech called,

"Don't Just Dream It,
Do It."

Yes! Please give
a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.

[on CD player]
All aboard!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Ozzy Osbourne's
Crazy Train]

♪ Ay *
[echoing]

♪ ♪

Three, four, five.

[electric guitar intro]

♪ ♪

[slaps blinds]

Yes!

There are some people
who have charm

and some people who don't.

Guess which type I am.

Charm type.

[out of breath]
Dream... big.

Right?

So what I want you to do

is dream the biggest
that you c... an.

[coughing]

And then double it!

[coughing]

Are you okay?

No. Yes!

- Here.
- N--

I'm fine.

Okay, from here now.

The first lesson
that I'm gonna teach you,

right, is
about finding success.

And the key to finding success
is to picture a winner.

First, I want you to picture...
a loser.

[vomits]

[coughing]

[vomiting]

Okay, so then, what
are you picturing right now,

right this second?

'Cause the universe
is yours, people.

Get out of the way.

[vomiting]

I'm really excited
to introduce you guys

to Ryan Howard.

He has achieved
a great deal in the last--

But perhaps
no achievement is greater

than his on-again,
off-again girlfriend.

What are you--

Who am I?

I'm Kelly Kapoor,

the business bitch.

It is important
to brand yourself,

so I have a couple
of things in the works.

The business bitch,

the diet bitch,

the shopping bitch,

the etiquette bitch.

I could sit here,

and I could tell you
the ten secrets of business,

and you would have
a great time,

and you would
learn a lot.

But who better
to tell you

than the Yale University
adjunct professor in management,

Professor Scott Powell,

who I have on my Blackberry.

[phone line rings]

It's ringing.

Hey, Kelly Kapoor.

What a delicious surprise.

Professor Powell,
you are on speakerphone.

Uh, why?

Do you think you could
tell us

the ten secrets of business?

Um, there aren't
really ten secrets.

Come on, Scott, please.
It's me.

Um, all right.

Well, um,

I guess know your market
would be key.

Practice fiscal discipline.

Mm-hmm.

That brilliant
little bitch.

Ooh, Ryan flaked

and Professor Scott Powell
saved the day again.

Is that how she's gonna spin it?

A little treat
for our old friend, Gabe.

Put that "Q" right there.

Wait. Why?

Put the "Q" there, sweetie.

- I think there's better--
- Put the "Q" there!

[phone chimes]

Sorry I yelled.

You could have just
told us what you were thinking.

There's no theater
in that.

There's no yelling
in that, either.

Well...

What do you do
in your free time?

[as Mikanos]
Practice Olympics.

Mmm.
Do you like movies?

I like
the musical Grease,

or as we call it, Home.

We have to try
this out on somebody.

[both laughing]

Hello.

Look, you want
to order something?

She will have
a Greekaccino.

I don't know
what that is.

It--

[with accent]
It's a very strong coffee

with milk from a goat.

[laughs]
I can't believe-ee.

It's a miracle.

She can talk!

No more brain damage.

No more brain damage!

Ahh!

I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our special guest speaker
will provoke you.

He will inspire you.

He is...

Creed Bratton.

[applause]

Two eyes, two ears,

a chin, a mouth,

ten fingers,
two nipples.

A butt, two kneecaps,
a penis.

I have
just described to you

the Loch Ness Monster.

And the reward
for its capture?

All the riches
in Scotland.

So I have one question:

why are you here?

- "Scream"?
- I know what you're thinking.

- Yes, but if--
- Oh, "scream."

I want to pick up that "U."

Are you done
texting all your boyfriends?

I'm not.

[whispering]
Gabe, Gabe, Gabe, Gabe.

Um, so the paper is--

- you hit the big button.
- The big button right here.

- Not that one. Not that one.
- Not on/off.

The big button,
you just press that.

- Goes right in.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey.

I picked out our movie.

It's called Suspiria.

It pushes
all the boundaries.

All your preconceived notions

about what horror can be
come crashing down.

- When I win...
- Ooh.

We're gonna watch Wall-E,

where all the boundaries
of color are pushed.

It is hard to explain

why Erin is doing
so well today.

The only thing
I can think

is Erin is living out

some Slumdog Millionaire scenario,

where every word
she's playing

has a connection
to her orphan past.

It's possible.

A number of years ago,
I was telling a friend

an idea I had for a restaurant

where kids could play games
and watch shows.

Sounds a lot like
Chuck E. Cheese, right?

Well, the guy who invented
Chuck E. Cheese

was sitting at the next table.

I have evidence, affidavits,
and documents

that they locked me
out of the deal.

And someday, his day will come.

[chuckles]

The craziest thing
about all this?

The restaurant
where it took place?

Chuck E. Cheese.

Was your idea also called
Chuck E. Cheese?

Nope, it was called
Woodstock's Freak-Out Zone.

[clapping]
Okay!

All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

it is now time
for the rarest of things,

an actual free lunch.

There's sandwiches in the back.
Certainly help yourselves.

We'll meet back up
in an hour.

So what's your crazy
business pipe dream?

Well, I started
my own golf supply company.

Really?

It's taken off
faster than I expected,

so I came here to learn about
creating manageable growth.

- [quietly] Phyllis?
- Hmm?

Some of these people
are for real.

Hey, friend.
How's it going?

Oh, you know what?
Let me steep that for you.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

Good news.
We're back in.

Let's go sell some paper, buddy.
Huh?

Really?

Ahem!

- Excuse me.
- I got it. I got it.

Hey, do you need
a lozenge?

[whispering]
They're a bunch of jackals.

What?

They left you
in the lurch,

and if they want
to jump in,

it means
you're almost there.

You did this.

Bring it home.

Let me tell you
what you can do

with your offer to help.

You can table it
and offer it up another time.

Just know that I really
appreciate the gesture.

Very good, Andy.
We respect that.

If you say no, that's a no.

Not.

We can't just sneak in
after lunch.

No, we're gonna be late.

- Oh, okay.
- We have to have a good--

The financial Greek crisis
kept us.

It has to be something real.
Something believable.

Hilarious.

Oh.

Peanut butter trucked smashed
into a jelly truck.

They're helicoptering in bread.

Oh, yes.

Michael, you have to take
this seminar away from Andy.

He's gonna blow the sales.

Okay, Andrew, could you
come in here a minute?

Are you sure
you can close these sales?

I'm sure I can try.

No, no, no.

I need you to be confident
that you can pull this off.

I am, I'm confident...

that no one will work harder
to pull this off.

Oh, my God. Michael.

Come on.
You know he can't close.

I'm sorry I'm bad at sales.

Every rule of sales goes against
who I am.

"Don't be afraid to be rude."

Uh, I'm sorry. That's rude.

"Have a killer instinct."

You know who has
a killer instinct?

Killers.

"You're not there
to make friends."

Well, then how am I supposed
to make friends?

"Don't take no for an answer."

Oh, so now no means yes?

I don't think so.

Chanting that got
my fraternity's charter revoked

at Cornell.

Michael, there are sheep
lined up for the slaughter.

They belong to the man who knows
how to use a knife.

Let me gut them.

This was Andy's idea.
It's his sale.

- Thank you.
- However, Andy,

if you look like
you're gonna screw up,

I'm gonna have these guys
come in and close.

Sounds good.
What's the signal?

I am going to look confused.

No, that--
that's a terrible signal.

All right,
I will look interested.

- Also not--
- Also--so easily--

I'm just gonna come out
and get you.

I will come out and get you.

Andy, don't make me do that.

Insofar as it is in my power,
I will not.

Oh, my God.

Hi.
Hope you enjoyed your lunch.

Welcome back.

Ooh. Well, hello.

Welcome to the seminar.

Hey, man.
What's goin' on?

[whispering]
You're gonna blow it.

Maybe.

Only maybe.

We got it.
Wow, we got it.

[all laughing]

Oscar, wait.
I think the victory

would be more meaningful

if Erin puts the last word
in herself.

Yes, Pam.

Yes, most definitely.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Ah! No

[laughing]

Although I must say,
I will have apoplexy

if you lose.

Do you understand?

Apoplexy
is what I will have.

Apoplexy.

- Yes.
- Got it.

[phone plays
losing sound effects]

Oh, Oscar.

Oscar?

I played "ape."

[mimics gunshot]

[mimics gunshot]

I just want to make
a point to that last caller.

I disagree.

I don't think it is
the running game at all.

I think we do have to make
a few moves in this off-season.

Wow!

What a day, right?

Guess you guys
are probably ready to go.

And you got
my business card, so...

[as Mikanos]
Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

You know, I like you.

I'm going to give you
my secret gyro recipe.

Come out here

since it's a secret,
and I'll tell you.

[normal voice] All right,
you have to close right now.

Yeah, I mean,
I'm getting to it.

No, you're not.
You're getting past it.

You have to close.
You can do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Andy, what's the problem?

This is hard for me.
I'm a nice guy.

You know,
Kelly and Creed, Kevin,

they believe in you.

Don't let them down.

Don't let
yourself down, Andy.

I'm gonna go back in.

I'm going to stall them
for a little bit.

I want you
to get your head together,

and then come back in.

I want you to close.

[as Mikanos] What is taking
that guy so long?

Psst.

[taps on door]

You think this thing's
gonna go much longer?

I don't know.
They're still in there.

Ohh! Goodbye.

Stop.

Out with it.

Here's the story.

That guy in there

is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.

Tom Witochkin.

One of my best buddies, actually.

And when they were
both in the third grade,

Jim was placed
in the top reading group.

I was blue group,
so it was second from the top.

- And Tom...
- Was in green group.

And Jim's mom suggested

that Jim spend time
hanging with the kids

in his reading group,

because she thought that
they would be a good influence.

And that's
what I told him.

Right.

But how'd you say it?

"My mom thinks you're too dumb
to hang out with."

Hey, man.

Michael so doesn't get you.

- What do you mean?
- You're a nice guy.

Really nice. Too nice for sales.

You really should be a florist
or a war protestor or something.

So what Phyllis and Stanley
and I would like to do

is make you
a very generous offer.

We'll go inside,
and we will close,

and we will offer you 10%
of our commission.

10%. It's pretty good.

It's better
than what you'll make

trying to do this on your own.

Yeah, we're only doing this
because you're a nice guy.

Really nice.

And nice guys...

mm-mm-mm.

Okay, who would like
to purchase

this small business package
from me right now?

Yes, we got one.

Okay, the snowball
is rolling.

Who else?

You can put it off
for a couple of days,

but I guarantee you,

eventually
you're gonna realize

you need this.

So the only thing
that's gonna be different

is you'll be
a couple of days behind

where you would be if you bought
this from me right now.

So who's gonna
buy one right now?

I'll take one.

Yes! Awesome!

All right, anyone else?

Sold!

Anybody else?

Yes! All right!

- Yeah, bitch.
- Good choice.

The rest of you
are dead to me.

You made the stupidest decisions
of your life.

[quietly]
No, no, no.

But it was
a pleasure meeting you,

and you've got
my information,

so feel free
to call anytime.

Whoo!

Hey, you think it's cool
if I grab a soda?

Yeah. Whoa.

[deeper voice]
Yep, absolutely, go ahead.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How's it goin'?

- Pretty good.
- It's been a while.

It has been, yeah.

So you work here, huh?

Sales.

Must be a front

for some kind
of famous laboratory.

[laughs]

'Cause you're so smart.

Oh, man.
You remember that, huh?

Oh, barely.

I'm so dumb,

you know, stuff goes in,
stuff goes out.

Not like you
probably remember

every paper sale
you ever made.

Paper salesman genius.

All right,
good catch-up.

- Yeah.
- See ya.

Where's your jetpack,
Zuckerberg?

That guy's an idiot.

Andy.

I didn't think
you had it in ya.

Well, I guess
when you looked in me,

you forgot about my balls.

They're on the outside.

Don't know
how you missed 'em.

[with accent]
Wonderful seminar!

[as Mikanos]
Almost as good

as the day
when we first met.

You are the love
of my life.

Come to me, Necropolis.

Put your lips
on my lips.

Come on.

Michael, I should
get back to work.

What? Come on.

It's time for grapes.

Real fun day.

- So, I won.
- I know.

You get to pick.

Well, that's actually what
I came to talk to you about.

I know how much
you want to watch Wall-E.

Yes?

So I got us
a compromise.

This movie's
called Hardware.

It tells the story
of a killer combat robot,

just like Wall-E,

that the government invented
to destroy humans.

It's some of what you like
and some of what I like,

and... married...

Hey, I heard you talking
about movies before,

and, anyway, I just
watched this over the weekend.

I thought
you'd really like it.

There's a Shrek 2?

Oh, yeah.

See you tomorrow.

Nice guy.

Ohh. [laughs]