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1
00:00:09,634 --> 00:00:11,594
Hmm.
2
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:14,180
So hard to find good help
these days.
3
00:00:14,222 --> 00:00:16,725
Don't get me wrong--
I can do the work of 20 men.
4
00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:18,768
And 200 women.
5
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,979
Apparently,
managing an office building
6
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,690
requires the work of 21 men.
7
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:29,112
And that is why we are here.
8
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:30,822
Hola.
9
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,532
Hola.
10
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:35,410
Necesito un bueno worker.
11
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,203
Tu es fuerte.
Come on.
12
00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:38,747
¿Que?
13
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:41,374
¿Que?
14
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,876
No vamos con ese senor.
15
00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:44,502
Lo he visto saliendo
con muchos otros,
16
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,588
- y no vuelven nadie.
- We don't go with that man.
17
00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:49,382
I've seen several men go with
that man and not come back.
18
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,593
- He perdido amigos...
- We've lost friends...
19
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:53,011
No se lo que hace con ellos.
20
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,430
We don't know what
he does with them.
21
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,765
No quiero decir mas.
22
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:59,476
I don't wanna
talk about it anymore.
23
00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:00,977
I pick up day laborers
24
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,146
and tell them that
they'll get paid at 6:00 p.m...
25
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:06,024
At 5:45, a certain I.N.S. Agent
26
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,692
by the name of Mose Schrute
27
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,319
throws them in the back
of a van,
28
00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:11,029
drops them off in the middle
of Harrisburg,
29
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,323
and tells them it's Canada.
30
00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:14,532
[American accent]
Hola, amigo.
31
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:15,700
Hola.
32
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,785
Tu es un bueno worker?
33
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,870
Sí. Yo muy bueno worker.
34
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,914
You have, uh, mucho strengtho?
35
00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,208
- Mucho strengtho.
- Bueno.
36
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:27,420
Esta job, uh, pays, uh,
cien dólares,
37
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:28,713
uh, each día.
38
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,548
Cien dólares. Oh, bueno.
39
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,385
Y el acento...
donde are you from?
40
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:34,636
Scranton.
41
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:37,639
Y... before that,
La Philadelphia.
42
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,057
- You speak English?
- Yes.
43
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,725
- I'm really good at English.
- Okay, good, me too.
44
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,394
- Get in the car.
- Okay.
45
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:46,314
Who is this guy
by our cars?
46
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:48,566
That is my new
maintenance worker Nate,
47
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:50,527
and you'll be happy to know
that he's taking care of
48
00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:52,737
that hornet's nest
that you've been griping about.
49
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,698
I got stung up my dress.
50
00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:56,032
Poor hornet.
51
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,617
I left him all the tools
he needs.
52
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:58,993
This is do or die.
53
00:01:59,035 --> 00:02:01,663
If he chooses correctly,
he conquer the hornets.
54
00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:03,957
And if he doesn't?
55
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,166
He'll die.
56
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,668
- What?
- Uh, beg your pardon?
57
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,878
When did the phrase
"do or die" become so corrupted?
58
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,630
- Is that a blowtorch?
- No.
59
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,091
No, no, no!
all: no, no!
60
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,759
Interesting choice.
61
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,928
Oh... yes.
62
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,304
- Very, very smart.
- Walking away.
63
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:19,681
Go away.
64
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,725
- No! No, no, no!
- The bat.
65
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:24,728
- What is he doing?
- Oh, they're stinging him!
66
00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:27,522
No, no, no! No, no!
67
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,107
No! No, no, no!
68
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,151
How acutely he must be
in the moment right now.
69
00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,153
I would do anything
to trade places with that man.
70
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:35,613
Go--you can just go
down the stairs right now.
71
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:37,365
It's also amazing to watch.
72
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,163
Who's "ins"?
73
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:45,290
No, that's--there must be
some mistake.
74
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:48,043
- Dwight.
- What the hell? Dwight?
75
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:49,961
- Whoa!
- What? Is he--
76
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,546
They're fighting!
77
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,758
Mose!
78
00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:56,468
Come back!
You can't leave the van!
79
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,054
Ugh.
80
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:02,015
{\an8}[cheerful music]
81
00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:09,189
{\an8}♪ ♪
82
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,159
[door opens]
83
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:23,745
Good morning, Erin.
84
00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:25,663
Any moustaches--
I mean messages?
85
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:26,956
[giggles]
Terrific.
86
00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,541
Mm-hmm.
87
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:29,793
There are many reasons
88
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,087
a man would wear
a fake moustache to work.
89
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:33,838
He is a fan...
90
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,507
{\an8}of the outrageous.
91
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:36,675
{\an8}He loves to...
92
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,843
{\an8}surprise!
93
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:42,472
{\an8}He loves...
other things as well.
94
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,080
{\an8}Oh, wow.
95
00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:15,630
{\an8}[sighs]
It's a pimple, Phyllis.
96
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,382
{\an8}Avril Lavigne
gets them all the time,
97
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,050
{\an8}and she rocks harder
than anyone alive.
98
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,219
{\an8}Uh, that's no pimple, Michael.
99
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,722
{\an8}- You mean cancer?
- What? No way. No.
100
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,223
{\an8}Definitely not--not cancer.
101
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,434
{\an8}It's just good to catch a
Michael train of thought early,
102
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:30,770
{\an8}before it derails
and destroys the entire town.
103
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:31,938
{\an8}Wait, wait, wait, wait.
104
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,690
{\an8}- It's just a cold sore.
- It is?
105
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,984
{\an8}- Yep. Just a cold sore.
- Just a cold sore.
106
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,777
{\an8}Thank you.
Phyllis, I don't have acne.
107
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,530
{\an8}I have a cold sore.
I didn't even have a cold.
108
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,824
{\an8}- I don't know how I got it.
- I know how you got it.
109
00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:45,201
{\an8}- How?
- Michael, come on.
110
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,412
{\an8}A cold sore is herpes.
111
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,914
{\an8}- What?
- What you should do, Michael,
112
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,207
{\an8}is have a doctor
take a look at it,
113
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,584
{\an8}'cause we don't really know
what that is.
114
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:55,628
{\an8}I know tons and tons
of people who have herpes.
115
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:56,755
{\an8}[quietly]
I have it myself.
116
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:57,922
{\an8}That's what it is.
117
00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,382
{\an8}I've never seen
herpes on you.
118
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,259
{\an8}'Cause it's on
my genitals, genius.
119
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,594
{\an8}You have a penis?
120
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:05,305
{\an8}No. No, she does not.
121
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,891
{\an8}Michael, have you ever
been tested for STDs?
122
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,893
{\an8}Yeah. My last physical
when I was 40.
123
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:11,269
{\an8}That was like ten years ago.
124
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,687
{\an8}No, it was like
four years ago.
125
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:15,231
{\an8}- Michael, you're at least 46.
- Why at least?
126
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:18,068
{\an8}If you're guessing 46,
just say 46.
127
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:19,527
{\an8}You're 47.
We were in the same class.
128
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:23,406
{\an8}Why, did you stay back
for a decade?
129
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,752
{\an8}Can we please talk about
how gross Meredith is?
130
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:37,128
{\an8}This is what you get
131
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,923
{\an8}when you treat your body
like an outhouse.
132
00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,466
{\an8}You know what, guys?
133
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,843
{\an8}How 'bout we just chill out
a little bit on the herp chat?
134
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,261
{\an8}Okay?
I was an R.A. in college,
135
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,638
{\an8}and I can tell you,
136
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,058
{\an8}the number one
sexually transmitted disease...
137
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,810
{\an8}is ignorance.
138
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:55,355
{\an8}I guess maybe she could marry
a meth dealer with crabs...
139
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:56,648
{\an8}I don't even want
to know about these things.
140
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,024
{\an8}Hey, guys.
141
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,614
{\an8}[lets out breath]
142
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,825
{\an8}How did this happen?
How did I get this?
143
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:09,452
{\an8}Sometimes it can lie dormant
in a woman for years.
144
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,870
{\an8}They may not even know
that they have it.
145
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,205
{\an8}You know what?
I feel like
146
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,332
{\an8}one of those
old-timey sailors with VD.
147
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,251
{\an8}["old" voice]
Eh, it's me own darn fault.
148
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,545
{\an8}- Girl in every port!
- But what port?
149
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,547
{\an8}The Jan port?
150
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,757
{\an8}- The Holly port?
- Don't even...
151
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,175
{\an8}Holly was clean, okay?
152
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,927
{\an8}If anything,
I gave it to her.
153
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,721
{\an8}- You may have.
- Oh, my God.
154
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,055
{\an8}What if I did?
155
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,016
{\an8}You need to contact Holly.
156
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:34,269
{\an8}You need to notify her that
she is crawling with herpes.
157
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,812
Okay. You know what?
158
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,105
Might.
159
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:40,442
Might be crawling
with herpes.
160
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,318
I might have gotten it
after her.
161
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:43,903
Oh, you mean Donna.
162
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,864
The adulteress. She was hot.
163
00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,198
Or the skank from Canada.
164
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,284
She was oddly easy to obtain.
165
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:50,660
Skank explains a lot.
166
00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,495
It's actually harder
to land a skank
167
00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,164
because they usually
have plans.
168
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,875
Michael, you need to contact
every woman you've been with
169
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,502
and notify them
of your herpes infestation.
170
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,004
It's the right thing to do.
171
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,048
There's no way
I'm gonna do that.
172
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,591
- Then I will.
- All right, I--
173
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,720
Now, I'm no doctor,
but it seems to me
174
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,722
that we all have an obligation
to the public health
175
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,224
to track down anyone
who gives us a disease,
176
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,684
inform them of it,
177
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,228
and take overwhelming revenge
on that person.
178
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,397
Again, I'm no doctor.
179
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,900
I'm just a normal guy
who enjoys revenge.
180
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,985
[line trilling]
181
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,612
Hello.
182
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:27,572
Hi, Donna.
It's Michael.
183
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,574
Michael, I didn't think
I'd hear from you.
184
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,660
- How've you been?
- I have a disease...
185
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,662
for which
there is no known cure
186
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,624
that has been sexually
transmitted to me.
187
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,084
Oh, no!
188
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,752
I can't even say it.
189
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,754
H...I...
190
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,005
Oh, my God!
191
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,174
R...P...
192
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,218
E...E...
193
00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,928
- W-wait.
- S.
194
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:53,264
You're calling to tell me
that you have herpes?
195
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:57,394
No, I am calling to see
if you gave me herpes,
196
00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:58,978
because if you did,
197
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:02,232
I would be able to avoid
a lot of sucky conversations.
198
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,609
- So you have it, right?
- No.
199
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,111
Does your stupid husband
have it?
200
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,487
No, he doesn't.
201
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,239
Are you telling me
I have to get tested?
202
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,157
Yes, I'm telling you you
have to get tested for herpes.
203
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:14,285
- Good-bye!
- So long, Donna.
204
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,538
Well, didn't go as bad
as you'd think,
205
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:17,872
considering the subject matter.
206
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,958
No, once you say
the word "herpes,"
207
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,628
that's the hard part, and then
they're the uncomfortable one.
208
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,631
'Scuse me, everyone, can I
have your attention, please?
209
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,383
- Not again.
- What do you mean, again?
210
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,760
You're always asking
for our attention.
211
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,637
Well, maybe like
a year ago.
212
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,473
- Mm. Seems recent.
- No, that's--
213
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,058
Andy, the reason
it seems more recent
214
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,852
is because many of us here
have never stood up
215
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,645
and asked for
everyone's attention,
216
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,480
and it seems like you've
done that on several occasions.
217
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,774
Everyone, I've noticed that
218
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:48,069
we've not been entirely kind
to one of our own,
219
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:50,488
due to stigmas and prejudices.
220
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,906
Oh, when you got
your new phone--
221
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,742
that's when you asked for
everyone's attention.
222
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,577
World Cup.
That's what I was thinkin'.
223
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,454
You kept announcing scores.
224
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,956
It's the world's
only international sport, so...
225
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,960
It's like the sea shepherds'
worst nightmare
226
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,628
is not the Japanese whalers
227
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,213
but their own incompetence.
228
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:08,715
Wow, I should really be
watching that.
229
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:09,716
Oh, definitely.
230
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:10,925
And it's always the case,
you know,
231
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,344
you and Antarctica.
232
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,553
- Hey, Jim.
- Oh. Hi.
233
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:31,863
- No.
- No.
234
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,323
- Not at all.
- Mm-mm.
235
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,372
Oh, boy.
236
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,374
- [line trills]
- This is Holly.
237
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:46,544
No, this is Holly.
238
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,922
No... this is Holly.
239
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,590
No, this is Holly.
240
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:54,302
No... this is
Michael Scott.
241
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:57,722
Busted.
242
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,557
So what can I do
for you, Holly?
243
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,975
I'm calling because...
244
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,894
there was
a terrible car accident.
245
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,897
Oh, really?
Was anyone killed?
246
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,649
A lot of people.
247
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:10,694
- Any nuns?
- Three nuns.
248
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,279
Missionaries from South Africa.
249
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,323
Were they in
the missionary position?
250
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:18,576
[both laugh]
251
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,620
That's nonsense.
252
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,914
Holly brings out a sense
of childlike wonder in Michael.
253
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,416
I don't like it.
254
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,585
Childlike wonder
leads to a childlike grave.
255
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,837
* Bah bah dah dah ♪
256
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,172
♪ Hot pizza,
check it and see ♪
257
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,424
♪ Dah dah dah dah ♪
258
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,551
♪ I got a whole bunch-a
pepperoni ♪
259
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:37,012
Yeah.
Now you're lookin' at me.
260
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,930
The diagnosis: sex ignorance.
261
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,099
The cure: sex education.
262
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,269
Hosted by Andy Bernard.
263
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,895
I used to be an RA in the dorm,
264
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,606
so I'm literally qualified
to do this.
265
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,150
Anyone who's interested
in entering into
266
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,944
an honest discussion about
the sexual mores and taboos
267
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:57,741
of modern society will be
rewarded with a pizza break.
268
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,117
- Fine.
- Give me a few.
269
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,035
I gotta get set up.
270
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,748
I said give me a few!
271
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,626
Do you ever wonder
what life would have been like
272
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,837
if you hadn't been
transferred?
273
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,465
- Yeah.
- We would have twins.
274
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,966
I don't think
we'd have kids.
275
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,302
- Mm-hmm.
- We dated for a few weeks.
276
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,054
Mm-hmm.
We would be married.
277
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:22,390
Michael, I've been dating AJ
for a year and a half now.
278
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:25,226
- You do this, you know.
- Do what?
279
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,562
You romanticize things.
280
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,064
I don't romantici--
281
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,231
[mouthing "yes, you do"]
282
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:31,900
- N-no...
- Michael, you cried
283
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,486
at that tag line
for a movie you made up.
284
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,321
He had no arms or legs.
285
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,407
He couldn't see,
hear, or speak.
286
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,117
This is how
he led a nation.
287
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,453
You made us out to be
more than we were.
288
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:45,997
Maybe we were
more than we were.
289
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,124
I don't know what
you're getting so upset about.
290
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:50,168
We had a fun fling
a long time ago.
291
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,295
- It's a good memory.
- Okay, all right.
292
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,381
- I gotta go.
- Michael...
293
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,719
[quietly] He forgot
to mention the herpes.
294
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,805
It didn't come up organically.
295
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,143
- Winnipeg Sheridan.
- Concierge, please.
296
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,561
Hold, please.
297
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,021
Okay, we're gonna
see Jan first,
298
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,232
then Carole, then Helene.
299
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:15,193
We've already called Donna
and Holly.
300
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,736
Have we left anyone
off this list?
301
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,322
- That's it.
- Over six years?
302
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:22,158
No--there are other women,
303
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,161
but I am going to do
a mass email.
304
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:29,165
These are the wo-men that
I wanted to talk to in person.
305
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:30,333
I had more sex
in high school.
306
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,335
Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry
307
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:35,171
that I was so busy
in high school
308
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,590
maintaining a B average
and appearing in plays.
309
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:39,217
Okay.
310
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,219
This is an incredible day, Michael.
311
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,597
Contacting all your old lovers,
all your exes,
312
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:48,309
every woman that your penis
has touched.
313
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,853
Be fun to get them
all together.
314
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,063
I know. Should do that.
315
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,565
Maybe for the holidays.
316
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,442
If we have time today,
we'll call Holly back.
317
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,277
No, I don't wanna talk
to her.
318
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,779
She lied straight to my face,
got all New Hampshire-y on me.
319
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,865
Concierge desk.
How may I help you?
320
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:05,744
By going to the doctor
and getting tested for herpes.
321
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:06,911
Done.
322
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,372
To accommodate the suppliers.
323
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:11,750
Gentlemen, nice to see you.
It'll be just a moment.
324
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,752
If you could show them
into Conference Room B?
325
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,003
The pharmaceutical company
326
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:16,504
should be able
to accommodate us.
327
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,590
How do I do it?
Raise my daughter...
328
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,633
work as director of office
purchasing for this hospital,
329
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,844
and release an album
of Doris Day covers
330
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,221
on my own label?
331
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:26,973
If I knew, I'd tell you.
332
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:27,974
It's nice to see you
doin' so well.
333
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,225
Yeah. I'm really happy.
334
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:30,727
Me and Astrid
against the world.
335
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:32,228
[chuckles]
We're lovin' it.
336
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,939
Yeah, so...
Kinda the supermom.
337
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,691
- Bringin' home the bacon.
- Yeah.
338
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:37,692
♪ Fry it up in a pan ♪
339
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,027
* Never, never,
never let you ♪
340
00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:40,111
♪ Forget you're a man ♪
341
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,530
[laughs]
Love that commercial.
342
00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:45,033
I don't understand
the reference.
343
00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:46,451
Well...
344
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,536
Michael, it was nice
to get your call.
345
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:50,038
We had to come over
right away--it's urgent.
346
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,373
- Okay.
- Michael has something
347
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:52,540
- to tell you.
- Shh!
348
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,168
Are you gonna
keep me in suspense?
349
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:57,045
Ah-ah-ahem.
350
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:05,011
- Would you excuse me?
- Okay, I'm gonna...
351
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,388
head outta here.
352
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,306
I know you have
a lot to talk about, okay?
353
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,642
Is there...
an operating theater
354
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,143
that's open to visitors?
355
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:15,271
Never mind.
I'll find it.
356
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,357
- He hasn't changed.
- No.
357
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:19,651
So... what couldn't wait?
358
00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,196
Am I the kind of person
359
00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:25,323
to misremember
our relationship
360
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,825
as something more than
it was?
361
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,201
Michael Scott,
362
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,412
you are here
for a postmortem.
363
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,746
What?
364
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:34,332
You wanna dig into
our relationship...
365
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:38,378
go over it,
see what killed it.
366
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:40,380
Okay.
367
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,132
I'm in.
368
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,508
Oh, I'm guessing
you wanna sit here.
369
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,677
Oh, no, it's okay.
It's all right.
370
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,846
So, guys, I've been
really bothered
371
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,514
by the way certain people
372
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,891
are getting treated
around here, and...
373
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,269
I just think, as an office,
we're better than that.
374
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,188
Five pizzas,
not one of them plain.
375
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,690
What were you thinking?
376
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,402
Well, the guy asked me
what toppings I wanted,
377
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:04,446
and I forgot to say
"nothing"...
378
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,072
[laughing]
So yes.
379
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,658
Pepperoni, meatball,
380
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:13,288
veggie delight, Hawaiian pizza, artichoke.
381
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,497
Just pick stuff off.
382
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:16,082
Then the cheese comes off.
383
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,208
That's not true, you know?
384
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,418
There's a way
to do it carefully.
385
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:21,129
Am I the only one here
with a heart?
386
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,465
Am I the only one here
with experience
387
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:27,052
teaching kids about
sexually transmitted diseases?
388
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,845
Ivy League kids?
389
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,266
Do I have to do everything
around here?
390
00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,686
I mean, not everything,
but, like, some things?
391
00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:39,939
Okay, now, I'm gonna
show you a picture
392
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,232
of genitalia.
393
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,776
[all groan]
394
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:44,152
Andy.
395
00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:45,945
- What, 'cause he's black?
- Nope.
396
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:47,155
It's 'cause it's genitalia.
397
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:50,116
Perfectly normal
genitalia, tuna.
398
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:53,578
Now I'm gonna show you
another picture
399
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,121
of perfectly normal genitalia.
400
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,831
all: Oh!
401
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:58,416
Oh, my God!
402
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,126
Am I blocking anybody?
Can everybody see?
403
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,711
Perfectly normal.
Big deal.
404
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,922
Yeah, sure, it's got
some herpes on it.
405
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,548
But you know what?
406
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:08,677
It's just as normal
as anyone else's.
407
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:11,763
No. In the beginning,
we were not good.
408
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,598
Well... there was
a bit of a learning curve
409
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,517
in the conversation department,
410
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,102
but between the sheets,
411
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,978
we were like
Jordan and Pippen.
412
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:20,730
Well, if there's
anything exciting about it,
413
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,357
it was because we both
knew it was wrong.
414
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:24,567
- Because we worked together.
- No.
415
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,569
Okay,
imagine there's a princess
416
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,571
who falls for a guy
beneath her station,
417
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:30,031
and the queen
doesn't like this at all.
418
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,866
And the princess knows
that the queen doesn't like it,
419
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,326
and so it makes her want to
do it all the more
420
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,495
just to get at the queen.
421
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:36,996
- Am I the princess?
- No, I'm the princess.
422
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,623
And the queen.
423
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,167
Okay. So I'm the guy
at the station.
424
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:43,795
Mommy!
425
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:46,172
Assy! Oh!
426
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,133
♪ How was school? ♪
427
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,592
It was cool.
428
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,345
* What did you learn? ♪
429
00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:53,680
* What did I learn? ♪
430
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,891
* You might have learned ♪
431
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:59,561
♪ Shapes or blocks ♪
432
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,479
♪ Or clocks or colors ♪
433
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:02,981
♪ Or you might have learned ♪
434
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:07,027
♪ That we're all
sisters and brothers ♪
435
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,863
- I have herpes.
- What? You--
436
00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:12,615
I used to think
that she was the one.
437
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:15,869
Or at least a"the one."
438
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:19,080
And if I called
that one so wrong...
439
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,832
[sighs]
440
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:24,336
Herpes, like all STDs,
is a consequence of sex.
441
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,880
Can anyone else name
any other consequences?
442
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,382
It feels unbelievable.
443
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:32,010
Okay, I guess we can
make a pros column.
444
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,345
Feels...
445
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,013
Unbelievable.
446
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,348
Okay.
447
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:39,017
The ability
to express love physically.
448
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:41,519
It's a magical thing.
449
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,522
Express love. Magical.
450
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,483
It feels amazing.
451
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:49,152
Um, okay, is that different
from feels unbelievable?
452
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:52,989
- Yes.
- Then I will write it down.
453
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:55,241
The feeling of pure risk.
454
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:58,119
Creed, I had that
in the cons column,
455
00:17:58,161 --> 00:17:59,537
- but...
- It's thrilling.
456
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:03,208
Okay.
Um, then...
457
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,751
we'll move that.
458
00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:06,795
"Thrill of risk."
459
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,838
Andy, aren't there also
negatives to sex?
460
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,132
Yes! Thank you.
461
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:13,301
- Such as...
- Unplanned pregnancy.
462
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,844
Yes.
Unplanned pregnancy.
463
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:17,347
- Like Jim and Pam--what?
- Hey.
464
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:19,557
Just admit that your baby
was a mistake.
465
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:23,186
Hey, hey, hey.
Our baby was not a mistake.
466
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,105
- She was a surprise.
- Good.
467
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:27,524
I'm sure they don't regret
having that child.
468
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,110
Let's move it to the pros.
Pam and Jim: Thank you.
469
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:34,364
Okay. Unplanned pregnancy.
Going in the pros column.
470
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:36,700
Next up is Helene.
471
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:38,993
You're gonna want to make
a left on Willow,
472
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,412
which is a little ways away.
473
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,038
Uh, I'll remind you.
474
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,082
You know, I don't know
if I trust Jan's judgment.
475
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:46,126
- She...
- Jan knows paper.
476
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,752
No, not paper. Relationships.
477
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,463
To have the ability
to point out
478
00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:53,049
if a man is making
a bigger deal out of something
479
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:54,634
- than is really there.
- Wait, what Holly said?
480
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,594
- Yes! I don't--
- Forget it, Michael.
481
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,763
- Today is about herpes.
- I know.
482
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,598
Okay? Who gave it to you,
who has it...
483
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,350
- Right.
- And who is going to pay.
484
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,310
- Okay.
- To answer your question
485
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,271
about Jan--
no, Jan is insane.
486
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:07,480
Why do you think I--
487
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:10,025
- left! Willow now!
- All right! God!
488
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,528
Hi, stranger.
489
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,947
- Long time.
- Who are you?
490
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,408
I'm Michael.
We dated for a while.
491
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:19,909
I don't think so.
492
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:20,994
Michael?
493
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,623
Oh, hey!
494
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,752
Dwight, would you take
my grandmother for a walk
495
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:29,919
while I talk to
the real Helene?
496
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,254
Of course. Come on, old lady.
Let's go.
497
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:32,630
What is happening?
498
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:33,965
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Come on.
499
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:37,385
Who can tell me
the safest form of safe sex?
500
00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,346
- Condoms.
- Incorrect.
501
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:42,307
The only true form
of safe sex...
502
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,351
okay?
Abstinence.
503
00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,811
Oh! I didn't realize
we were doing...
504
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,480
trick questions.
505
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,231
What's the safest way
to go skiing?
506
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:51,274
Don't ski.
507
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,942
[laughter]
Huh?
508
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:54,944
I just thought
I'd bring it up
509
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:57,447
in case someone here
was practicing abstinence.
510
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,823
That's all.
Anybody?
511
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,117
Andy, that's way too
personal of a question.
512
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,036
Well, someone could
answer it if they wanted to.
513
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,083
Okay, in that case, uh,
514
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:13,588
I will now show you how
to put this condom on using...
515
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,423
- this pencil.
- [laughing] Oh, God!
516
00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:16,966
What?
517
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,843
Why would you choose
a pencil, Andy?
518
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,512
Well, I'm not gonna
use my penis, Oscar.
519
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,514
It's not exactly hard
right now anyway.
520
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,265
Come on, give it a rest,
pencil [bleep]!
521
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:26,351
I'm doing this
for you, Meredith!
522
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:27,977
- I didn't want it!
- Well, did you--
523
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:29,771
why... didn't--
524
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:32,399
does no one appreciate
what I'm doing right now?
525
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,068
Whoa!
526
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:39,948
If MacArthur had been allowed
to bomb the Chinese,
527
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:42,242
we would've saved many lives
in the long run.
528
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:43,868
Oh, believe me,
529
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,578
if we could bomb the Chinese
right now,
530
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,706
we'd save many lives.
531
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,000
MacArthur was soft.
He was all talk and no...
532
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:54,671
It'll go away in time.
Just don't touch it too much.
533
00:20:54,713 --> 00:20:57,048
- You are so wise.
- [chuckles]
534
00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:00,010
I would trade my youth
for your wisdom in a second.
535
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,346
Remember that movie,
"Freaky Friday"?
536
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:06,891
I wish we could change bodies
so I could have your wisdom,
537
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,643
and you could have
my passion for life.
538
00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:11,646
That is a movie
I would go to see.
539
00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:14,733
You know,
you--you could say "smart"
540
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,193
instead of using "wisdom"
all the time.
541
00:21:17,235 --> 00:21:18,903
It means something different.
542
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:24,075
Uh, a fox is smart,
but an old owl is wise.
543
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,828
An old, old owl.
544
00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,664
I'm gonna go now, Michael.
545
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:32,042
Hold on. Hold on just a sec. Um...
546
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,419
did I make more
of what we had
547
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:35,754
than was really there?
548
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,339
What did you think
we were?
549
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:40,467
Just a...
quirky indie movie
550
00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:42,010
weird sorta thing...
551
00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:45,764
breakin' all the rules...
but had to end
552
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:48,058
because the summer was over.
For you.
553
00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:50,602
I-I think that for you
to have come here
554
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:53,229
even expecting...
555
00:21:53,271 --> 00:21:55,440
that we could have
a conversation like this
556
00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:58,360
shows how--
how self-deluded you are.
557
00:21:58,401 --> 00:22:04,115
Michael, your... memory
has failed you greatly.
558
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:05,116
Jerk.
559
00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:08,953
I am beginning to get a sense
560
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:10,497
that this has something to do
with me.
561
00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,873
Oh, come on, Michael,
stop it.
562
00:22:11,915 --> 00:22:14,125
Focus on the herpes.
563
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:15,210
I'll try.
564
00:22:28,807 --> 00:22:30,600
Michael--
565
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:34,562
So this is a chef's kitchen,
566
00:22:34,604 --> 00:22:36,481
which makes it perfect
for real entertainers.
567
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:38,650
Real entertainer,
like Billy Joel.
568
00:22:38,692 --> 00:22:41,945
- Michael.
- Carole. How are you?
569
00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:43,321
I'm great.
How are you?
570
00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:46,241
I'm great.
I saw your sign outside,
571
00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:47,784
and I decided,
I'm gonna pull in,
572
00:22:47,826 --> 00:22:49,911
and maybe I'm going to
buy a house from her.
573
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:51,037
Oh. You didn't call
my office
574
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:52,580
and ask them where I was?
575
00:22:52,622 --> 00:22:54,791
No!
[laughs] That's so...
576
00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:57,127
'Cause the receptionist
told me that a man called,
577
00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:59,087
but he would only say
that he was my ex-lover.
578
00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:00,380
- Weird.
- Yeah.
579
00:23:00,422 --> 00:23:02,340
Sounds like a nice guy.
How have you been?
580
00:23:02,382 --> 00:23:04,509
I've been great.
How have you been?
581
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:06,177
I've been great.
I've been great.
582
00:23:06,219 --> 00:23:09,055
- Good.
- So, so well.
583
00:23:09,097 --> 00:23:10,807
Ah!
584
00:23:10,849 --> 00:23:12,142
This is a beautiful place.
585
00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:14,352
- Yeah, do you wanna see it?
- How have you been?
586
00:23:14,394 --> 00:23:17,188
- I--I've been great.
- Okay.
587
00:23:17,230 --> 00:23:19,149
- How've you been?
- I've been great also.
588
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:20,900
Good.
589
00:23:20,942 --> 00:23:22,819
What have we here?
590
00:23:22,861 --> 00:23:23,862
- Dining room.
- Okay.
591
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:25,405
I don't know,
592
00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:27,699
I mean, people were being
really mean to Meredith...
593
00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:31,036
But this wasn't really
about Meredith, was it?
594
00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:32,162
You and Erin were broken up--
595
00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,372
How is that relevant
to anything?
596
00:23:34,414 --> 00:23:37,208
I asked you if it was okay
if I asked her out.
597
00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:39,252
You said--
and I quote--
598
00:23:39,294 --> 00:23:41,921
"My good sir,
nothing would make me happier
599
00:23:41,963 --> 00:23:45,091
than to hand you the hand
of the hand once in my hand."
600
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:46,301
I specifically remembered it
601
00:23:46,343 --> 00:23:48,303
because you said it
in such a weird way.
602
00:23:48,345 --> 00:23:50,096
Well, the only reason
I said that
603
00:23:50,138 --> 00:23:51,806
is 'cause you asked me
so politely...
604
00:23:51,848 --> 00:23:55,393
and it was very difficult
for me to say no.
605
00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:58,855
[in British accent]
But upon further reflection,
606
00:23:58,897 --> 00:24:01,274
I've come to the conclusion
607
00:24:01,316 --> 00:24:03,401
that you should
unhand said hand
608
00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:05,403
and hand it back to this hand.
609
00:24:05,445 --> 00:24:06,863
[in British accent]
Well, it's too late!
610
00:24:06,905 --> 00:24:08,698
[speaking normally] Okay?
You cannot take back permission.
611
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,617
Furthermore,
this does not excuse
612
00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,744
your anger outbursts,
given your history.
613
00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:14,662
[laughing]
My anger outbursts?
614
00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:16,039
Mm-hmm.
615
00:24:16,081 --> 00:24:20,293
Which part of the flying
pizza were you scared of?
616
00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:22,295
Was it the lactose?
617
00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:25,882
Oh, my God.
What's gonna happen?
618
00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:34,933
I'll let this slide.
619
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:38,436
But I expect you to put this
whole Erin thing behind you.
620
00:24:52,409 --> 00:24:53,868
Thanks, Gabe.
621
00:24:57,497 --> 00:25:00,542
- Oh, wow, another living room.
- It's a family room.
622
00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:04,629
You put the TV there,
you put your family here.
623
00:25:04,671 --> 00:25:06,673
Michael,
why are you here?
624
00:25:06,715 --> 00:25:08,633
Somebody told me
625
00:25:08,675 --> 00:25:12,053
that I romanticize relationships.
626
00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:15,140
You know,
we all do that.
627
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:16,975
I have herpes.
628
00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:18,518
What?
629
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,311
Did you have that
while we were together?
630
00:25:20,353 --> 00:25:22,147
I just found out today.
631
00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:24,065
It's...
it's right there.
632
00:25:24,107 --> 00:25:26,943
Oh. Oh. What, that's
what you're talking about?
633
00:25:26,985 --> 00:25:28,737
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry.
634
00:25:28,778 --> 00:25:30,196
Did you have a doctor
check it out?
635
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:31,990
I'm between specialists
right now.
636
00:25:32,032 --> 00:25:34,743
Yes. Yes, Michael.
637
00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:37,495
Actually, you do make
a bigger deal
638
00:25:37,537 --> 00:25:39,247
out of things than you need to.
639
00:25:39,289 --> 00:25:41,916
You proposed to me
on our fourth date.
640
00:25:41,958 --> 00:25:44,002
Well, I believe in love
at first sight.
641
00:25:44,044 --> 00:25:45,503
Well, so do I,
642
00:25:45,545 --> 00:25:48,340
but we didn't love each other
at first either.
643
00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:50,383
I don't know what
you were thinking.
644
00:25:51,593 --> 00:25:53,511
I know what I was thinking
at the time,
645
00:25:53,553 --> 00:25:55,680
but right now,
it just seems ridiculous.
646
00:25:55,722 --> 00:25:56,765
Excuse me.
647
00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:00,393
Someone died in the upstairs
bathroom, didn't they?
648
00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:01,644
- Okay.
- No.
649
00:26:01,686 --> 00:26:04,522
God! I hate you, stupid jar.
650
00:26:04,564 --> 00:26:06,983
Worst day of my life.
Oh, Jim, Jim!
651
00:26:07,025 --> 00:26:08,443
I'm sorry, would you please
open this jar for me?
652
00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:09,903
I can't get it open.
653
00:26:09,944 --> 00:26:11,988
- Sure.
- Thanks.
654
00:26:13,865 --> 00:26:15,200
It's hard, isn't it?
655
00:26:15,241 --> 00:26:16,368
Yeah.
656
00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:17,577
Oh, and while I have you,
657
00:26:17,619 --> 00:26:18,828
I might as well
run this by you anyway.
658
00:26:18,870 --> 00:26:21,206
- You know Ryan, right?
- Sure.
659
00:26:21,247 --> 00:26:23,708
Well, I know he's capable
of love,
660
00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:27,128
but I don't know if he's
capable of true love, you know?
661
00:26:27,170 --> 00:26:28,254
Let's just
open this thing up,
662
00:26:28,296 --> 00:26:29,589
get you on your way.
663
00:26:29,631 --> 00:26:32,133
Ryan said to me that if
he was stuck in heaven
664
00:26:32,175 --> 00:26:34,844
and he was in hell,
that he wouldn't come with me
665
00:26:34,886 --> 00:26:36,054
and live in hell.
666
00:26:36,096 --> 00:26:37,097
Why would he say that?
667
00:26:37,138 --> 00:26:38,390
I didn't even ask him.
668
00:26:38,431 --> 00:26:40,058
[jar banging]
669
00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:41,559
I have no idea.
670
00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:43,019
You sure you just don't want
some peanut butter, or...?
671
00:26:43,061 --> 00:26:45,188
- I had that yesterday.
- Peanut butter and jelly...
672
00:26:45,230 --> 00:26:46,564
I really had my heart set
on fluff.
673
00:26:46,606 --> 00:26:47,899
God, I don't know
what I'm gonna do
674
00:26:47,941 --> 00:26:49,275
about this Ryan thing.
675
00:26:50,443 --> 00:26:52,362
You're just gonna
hand it back to me?
676
00:26:56,616 --> 00:26:59,369
We should...
schedule meetings,
677
00:26:59,411 --> 00:27:02,080
'cause the days
can slip away with chitchat.
678
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:03,581
Are you crying?
679
00:27:03,623 --> 00:27:05,834
No. I'm just sweating.
[sniffles]
680
00:27:05,875 --> 00:27:07,669
I don't know
what's got you upset,
681
00:27:07,711 --> 00:27:10,422
but my advice is...
stop crying.
682
00:27:10,463 --> 00:27:11,881
I'm not crying.
I'm sweating.
683
00:27:11,923 --> 00:27:14,092
Look, you need
to pick yourself up.
684
00:27:14,134 --> 00:27:16,428
Man up, all right?
685
00:27:16,469 --> 00:27:18,638
Son, you will win this
in the end.
686
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,474
It's all about heart...
687
00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:22,892
and character.
688
00:27:22,934 --> 00:27:26,271
Be your best self.
689
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:27,814
Okay.
690
00:27:27,856 --> 00:27:29,399
Yeah.
691
00:27:29,441 --> 00:27:30,692
I have no idea
what his problem is.
692
00:27:30,734 --> 00:27:32,444
It's just
my standard advice.
693
00:27:32,485 --> 00:27:33,737
It's good advice, right?
694
00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:35,989
Maybe you did make
too much of it.
695
00:27:36,031 --> 00:27:39,159
So good. You don't have to
miss her as much.
696
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,578
Yeah, I guess it's a relief.
697
00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:43,496
That's a relief for a lot
of us, let me tell you.
698
00:27:43,538 --> 00:27:46,374
And full disclosure:
I really was hoping
699
00:27:46,416 --> 00:27:47,792
to hook you up
with my cousin Shirley.
700
00:27:47,834 --> 00:27:49,336
No, not Shirley, Dwight.
Just drop that, okay?
701
00:27:49,377 --> 00:27:50,712
Have I told you
about Shirley before?
702
00:27:50,754 --> 00:27:51,963
- Yeah, like a million times.
- She's really nice.
703
00:27:52,005 --> 00:27:53,840
I--okay, I won't bring up
Shirley anymore,
704
00:27:53,882 --> 00:27:56,301
but I just wanna say that Holly
has been holding you back.
705
00:27:56,343 --> 00:27:58,053
If you really
put your mind to it,
706
00:27:58,094 --> 00:27:59,429
you could date a newscaster.
707
00:27:59,471 --> 00:28:01,973
I appreciate that. Thanks.
708
00:28:02,015 --> 00:28:04,684
Shirley's a newscaster.
709
00:28:16,905 --> 00:28:18,698
[laughs]
710
00:28:24,704 --> 00:28:26,456
This is Holly Flax.
711
00:28:26,498 --> 00:28:27,749
I can't come to the phone
right now,
712
00:28:27,791 --> 00:28:29,167
but please leave a message
713
00:28:29,209 --> 00:28:31,002
at the sound of the tiny truck
backing up.
714
00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:32,504
[beep]
715
00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:34,506
Hi, Holly, it's Michael.
716
00:28:34,547 --> 00:28:37,342
I just wanted to call
and let you know
717
00:28:37,384 --> 00:28:39,177
that I was thinking about
what you said.
718
00:28:39,219 --> 00:28:42,847
It's just... you know...
719
00:28:42,889 --> 00:28:45,767
it's weird.
Today I...
720
00:28:45,809 --> 00:28:49,104
ended up seeing a lot of
the women that I used to date,
721
00:28:49,145 --> 00:28:52,691
and in my mind,
they were all great.
722
00:28:52,732 --> 00:28:55,402
And then when I actually
saw them,
723
00:28:55,443 --> 00:28:57,362
it was mostly
a freak show.
724
00:28:57,404 --> 00:28:58,863
And you and me,
725
00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:01,658
that must have been a real...
train wreck.
726
00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:06,079
You know what?
727
00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:09,332
Holly, you're wrong.
728
00:29:09,374 --> 00:29:12,377
You are wrong.
729
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:14,546
I remember
every second of us.
730
00:29:14,587 --> 00:29:16,798
And talking to you today...
731
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:21,386
I don't feel for them anything
like what I feel for you.
732
00:29:21,428 --> 00:29:23,847
It's...
733
00:29:23,888 --> 00:29:25,598
I didn't joke
with any of them.
734
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,101
I joked with you.
735
00:29:28,143 --> 00:29:29,769
You were the only one
736
00:29:29,811 --> 00:29:32,313
who was actually happy
to hear from me.
737
00:29:32,355 --> 00:29:35,233
And I don't know why
you downgraded what we had,
738
00:29:35,275 --> 00:29:38,319
but I did not make us up.
739
00:29:38,361 --> 00:29:40,697
Okay.
740
00:29:40,739 --> 00:29:43,366
Oh, and you might--
you should talk to a doctor
741
00:29:43,408 --> 00:29:45,243
because you might have herpes.
742
00:29:45,285 --> 00:29:46,453
Bye.
743
00:29:53,835 --> 00:29:54,961
What is this about?
744
00:29:55,003 --> 00:29:58,465
Oscar... we once
sucked face in public
745
00:29:58,506 --> 00:30:01,009
as part of an office presentation
746
00:30:01,051 --> 00:30:04,971
to destroy the stigma
about gay kissing.
747
00:30:05,013 --> 00:30:06,681
- Do you recall?
- Yes, and--
748
00:30:06,723 --> 00:30:09,476
You may have given me a
sexually transmitted disease.
749
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:10,769
What?
750
00:30:10,810 --> 00:30:12,103
Herpes duplex.
751
00:30:12,145 --> 00:30:13,855
It's probably just
an ingrown mustache hair,
752
00:30:13,897 --> 00:30:14,939
but we have to be exhaustive.
753
00:30:14,981 --> 00:30:16,274
I've already contacted
754
00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:17,984
all of my ex-lovers,
except for you.
755
00:30:18,026 --> 00:30:20,111
We were never lovers.
756
00:30:20,153 --> 00:30:21,196
I'm gonna need
a list of every man
757
00:30:21,237 --> 00:30:22,489
you've ever had sex with.
758
00:30:22,530 --> 00:30:25,075
I'm talking train stations,
men's rooms...
759
00:30:25,116 --> 00:30:28,036
Flower shops.
Fireworks celebrations.
760
00:30:28,078 --> 00:30:30,538
- Fence with a hole in it.
- Moonlit gondola.
761
00:30:30,580 --> 00:30:32,248
Carriage ride
through Central Park.
762
00:30:32,290 --> 00:30:33,458
The woods
behind the liquor store.
763
00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:35,168
The swamp
behind the old folks' home.
764
00:30:35,210 --> 00:30:38,129
- Electric car dealership.
- The Democratic primary.
765
00:30:38,171 --> 00:30:39,172
Oscar, think a--
766
00:30:39,214 --> 00:30:40,423
[door slams]
Think.
55355
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