All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S06E25.The.Chump.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

This here
is a radon test kit.

'Kay?
I'll be putting 'em everywhere.

And please don't throw
these out.

This is a radon test kit.

Please don't throw
these out.

See them all over the office.

Toby has been leaving
radon kits everywhere,

like he owns the place.

The first time
I threw mine away,

I thought it was an ant trap.

But I figured
I'd rather live with ants

than with his creepy
little disk.

The second time... God.

I thought it was one of those,

you know, the things
you turn over, and it moos,

like a cow thing,
but upon closer examination,

it was another ant trap,
so I threw it away.

And the third time...

I did it out of spite.

- [imitates fart]
- Come on, Michael.

You're--you're interrupting.

You're kidding me. God!

You say radon is silent
but deadly, and then you expect

me not to make farting noises
with my mouth?

- What is this?
- Please sit down.

You know what?
We're not gonna die of radon.

- We're gonna die of boredom.
- Yeah!

- [laughter]
- Right?

And if I had a gun
with two bullets

and I was in a room
with Hitler,

bin Laden, and Toby,
I would shoot Toby twice.

No.
[low murmuring]

- That's not--
- Okay.

You were being really funny,

and then you went too far.

I would kill bin Laden
and then Toby.

- No, that's still--
- Still no.

Okay, geniuses,
how would you do it?

Curve the bullet

like in my favorite
James McAvoy film,

"Wanted."

All that does is help you
shoot around things.

Is there a curtain rod
in the room?

- I don't know.
- How about make-believe land

has anything you want?

Stanley, please.
This is serious.

Is this the thing
where they use an icicle

- so there's no evidence?
- Yes.

We stab Toby through the heart
with an icicle.

The whole two-bullet thing
is a red herring.

Here's how you do it.
You line them all up,

you take one bullet,
shoot them all

through the throat
at the same time.

Watch this.
Phyllis, you're Hitler.

Come up here.
Toby, you're Toby.

Andy, you're bin Laden.
Line up.

- I don't wanna do this.
- Throats together.

[shouting]
Toby, just do it!

- Toby, come on.
- God!

Ready? One bullet.

And boom!

[imitates gunshot]

- Yeah, that works.
- That works.

Good work.

What flavors did you get?

It's so exciting, Pam.

The Eagles are doing
a theme of ice creams

in honor of turning 60.

"Despera-dough."

"Witchy-womanilla."
Why do they do this?

Do you want me to go back
to the store?

No, no, no, it's fine.
I was just commenting.

We gotta get these out.
Open 'em up.

Okay.
This is all for Michael.

Turns out his girlfriend
was married.

Yeah, and when Michael
gets a broken heart,

this whole place comes
to a halt,

so we're just trying
to get out in front of this.

After his last breakup,

he ate 40,000 calories
in three hours.

Right, Pam?
That's what Pam told me.

Yeah.
Or no--well--

I don't know. I'm sorry.

I was up all night with Cece,
otherwise I'd be running this.

That's okay.

You probably shouldn't keep
a baby up that late, though.

We have "Mr. Bean"
playing in the conference room

and "The Pink Panther" movie
in his office

with half-hour shifts
to watch with him.

And we need bodies in both
these rooms, people,

so please sign up.

- He's coming.
- Oh, okay.

Everyone, remember,
when he gets like this,

he will wallow
if you empathize.

Keep conversations light

and if you get stuck
and you don't know what to do,

make a random sound effect, okay?

Farting noise, whatever. Okay.

Hey, everyone.
both: No.

- Out!
- Get out right now!

- Leave now.
- Leave. Get back.

- Please!
- Right now.

Oh,
and if he makes a joke,

just laugh it up,
no matter what.

Okay?

- Morning, everyone.
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey.

Hello, Michael.

Nice tie or something.

Oh, thank you.
It's reversible, I think.

[laughter]

- That's hilarious.
- That's awesome.

- You want some ice cream?
- Oh--oh, wow!

Are those Eagles' flavors?

Cake It to the Limit,
that's my favorite.

I love that.

Too much for me
to have by myself.

Anybody wanna share?

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

Okay. Well, that's random.

I will dig into those later.

Turns out Donna's married.

Did not see that comin'.

What you gonna do?

Life's full of surprises.

I'm always cold
and I tell people to--

How do I know you're not
a member of her family?

Uh, because I thought
you said you picked me

out of a yellow pages.

Yeah, her yellow pages.

I wanted a randomly selected
yellow pages

from a public phone booth.

Apparently they don't exist anymore.

Rise of the cell phone.

- Mm?
- Okay, um, shall we start?

Rather than spend all day
in court,

we've decided
to settle our dispute

using a mediator.

It was an option spelled out

in our child-rearing contract
and--

- Alleged contract.
- Alleged?

I am going to own your farm
by the time this is over.

Pfft. Yeah, just try.

I will do legal jujitsu
on you.

- Oh, yeah--
- Gaah!

See? Don't even need
to make contact.

The law will do it.

So much of this
is just impossible to verify.

Item five, point B,
uh, the beet juice cleanse.

I'm doing it. You know I am.

- It's disgusting!
- How do we know this?

- I'd like to see a stool sample.
- Dwight, look at my teeth.

- Ugh.
- And what are you doing?

Are you fondling
a giant tacky Amazon woman?

- Yes.
- She is not tacky.

Did you see those boots?

She is an incredible
physical specimen.

You have to see this girl.

- If you like a big specimen.
- She's amazing.

Do you have any children?

You know what?
I'd like to bring it back--

Have you ever
had intercourse?

- I would like to focus...
- Dwight, not appropriate.

- On the contract.
- It's not appropriate.

- We don't need to know about...
- [sighs]

- Sex life.
- By the way,

I'm still a little bit confused

by exactly who Morpheus is.

No secret crying.

Hasn't even opened
the tissue box in there.

Could he still be seeing her?

I don't think he'd do that.

So we're gonna say
the most likely scenario

is that Michael matured
overnight?

Well, it happened
to Tom Hanks in "Big."

Exactly.
It happened in "Big."

No, I gotta go.
Text me later.

I'm really too tired
to do this.

- Me too!
- Then let's just not do this!

Do you have any idea
the risks involved?

- Hey, Michael.
- Hey.

We were wondering
if you'd like to have dinner

with us tonight in our home
and play with our baby.

We could order
in from Hooters.

Oh, Hooters a go. Nice.

We can watch a movie
and play Rock Band.

Billy Joel Rock Band.

- That exists?
- Yes.

Okay, well, I'll have
to take a rain check,

but thanks for the offer.

Michael Scott,
are you still seeing Donna?

Okay, Pam...

she's not invisible,
so stop asking silly questions.

- Oh, Michael.
- Since when is this an office

where we delve into
each other's personal lives?

I like Donna.

Is it wrong to keep seeing her?

Depends on who you ask.

I mean,
if you ask her husband

or you took a random poll,
yeah, it's wrong.

That is something
I would never do.

Well, I think we all know

what you're capable of, Meredith.

Hey, I have never cheated on,
been cheated on,

or been used to cheat with.

I ask everyone in the room,
"Are you in a relationship?"

People, this is Scranton,

and many people consider that
to be the Paris

of Northeastern Pennsylvania.

And in Paris, it is rude

for a woman
to have less than four lovers.

Ugh, Ryan, I do not want you
hanging out

with Michael anymore.

- Okay.
- Okay, I will have you know

that I asked Donna about this,
and she is fine with it,

and just to be sure,
I asked her again afterward.

- Same answer.
- How does he feel about it?

Yeah, I can see you really
thought this through, Mike.

I used to be a cheater

till I saw "Love Actually."

The scene where Emma Thompson
plays that Joni Mitchell song

made me never cheat again.

Course I haven't been
in a relationship since then.

I think that movie screwed
with my expectations

about romance, you know?

He is never gonna find out.

He is a high school
baseball coach.

He wakes up early.
He goes to bed early.

Look at how long it took
for him to find out.

It was right under his nose.
I had to tell him!

Okay, now you're just
being hurtful.

I'm sorry, it--

why is it okay
for Stanley to cheat

or for Phyllis to cheat...

- Hey.
- On her diet?

And he's a sports' guy.
He's scummy.

Dogfighting, drugs.
They spit.

Did Donna tell you that?

"Real Sports
with Bryant Gumbel."

So you're just making
a giant assumption.

- You don't even know the guy.
- You know what?

You know what? I am declaring
a moment of silence right now.

Ten minutes of silence
honoring Michael Jackson.

Just sit there and think
about Michael Jackson.

My name is Andy Bernard,
and I am a cuckold.

For those of you unfamiliar
with William Shakespeare,

a cuckold is a man
whose woman is cheating on him.

I've lived the part.

And let me tell you,
I would so much rather

play the part onstage.

I don't follow this exactly.

Uh, "The descendants
of any replicants

from this union shall have"--

both: Joint custody.

Are we talking about
your grandchildren?

both: No.

That's why we specified
"descendants"

- versus "replicas."
- Mm-hmm.

So you're talking about
a clone of your child?

No, "clone" has a pejorative connotation.

That's why we've agreed
to use the word "replicants."

As I understand
the technology--

You don't understand
the technology,

which is why
this whole contract

should be null and void.

[laughs] Pearls before swine.

Okay, uh, let's move on
to the next clause.

"The child shall be schooled
in the art of the raper"?

Ah, that's "rapier,"
not "raper."

Uh, it's a kind of a sword.
That's a misspelling.

This contract is null and void.

Just throw out that clause.

I never should have agreed
to it anyway

because guns are better.

It's not about killing.

It's about the art
of the killing.

Maybe it should be about
the art of spelling.

Look, if we can't agree
on guns versus swords,

how are we gonna bring a child
into this world?

Our child can use guns
and swords, okay?

Just add an I to the "raper."

Done.

So here's the thing
about infidelity.

Mm, no, no.

When are you people going
to stop casting

the first stone?

I am not in the wrong here.

I am the good guy.

How does that work?

Do you think this husband
is a supersweet nice guy?

Do you think he's an angel?
I don't think so.

Why is his wife going off

and having a little
something-something with me?

There has to be a problem
with him.

In any cheating movie,

the person getting cheated on
is the hero.

You're Ali Larter.
I'm Beyoncé.

I am Beyoncé always.

- Not this time.
- Yes, I am.

This guy's a high school
baseball coach, right?

Let's go check him out, see
what a horrible person he is.

- I would love that.
- Yeah.

Those teams have games
and practices every day.

- Let's go check it out.
- I have work to do.

Oh, really?
I thought you were the boss.

Let's go.

I can't wait to see this jerk

who is making me cheat
on his wife.

I should punch him in the nose

for what he's making me
do to her.

[humming]

Okay, all right.
Andy, please.

- Baseball!
- Shh.

Try not to draw attention, please.

That's him. That's him.

- Where?
- Right there. The coach.

Stage right or stage left?

I played batboy
in "Damn Yankees!"

Right there.
Look, look.

Follow my finger.
Okay? See?

The grown-up by the base?

And now, coaching third base

with two arms, two legs,
and a heart

capable of feeling pain.

All right. Could you just--

can you just act normal
for a second, please?

Whatever.
I'm the one blending in.

[clears throat]

Guys?

- Pam.
- Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe.

Can you two please join me
in my office?

Now.

You were supposed
to be the lookout.

Yeah, well,
it's really warm in here.

It's like a sleeping bag.

I don't wanna be
the heavy here,

but honestly, guys,
this makes us all look bad.

- Sorry about that.
- So embarrassing.

Good. Okay.

End of the dressing down.

I just hate that part
of the job, you know,

the power dynamic.

Well, you were
surprisingly restrained.

We will be
well-rested tomorrow.

Okay, that's great, actually
because I wanted to talk

to you about something else.

Excellent. Go for it.

I'm sure you got my email
about the printer fires.

The one with the branching
decision tree?

I actually designed that chart.

Kinda hoping it catches on.

Anyway, the question is,
what is the best way

to disseminate
important information

in an efficient way?

Right?
So, uh, let's, uh...

Finally there's a provision
here in the occurrence

that the child is born
an old man,

à la "Benjamin Button."

- both: Same page.
- Go to the next one.

Just keep moving.

Despite
the provision covering

whether this is all part
of the matrix...

Which we can't know.

- This is essentially...
- Unless we're unplugged.

Equivalent to a donor
or surrogate contractor.

And wake up in the future.

Which is actually
pretty common.

So I have to tell you
that this is a solid contract.

What?

Look, I can't enforce

that anybody have a child
with anyone else.

- What?
- So essentially,

this comes down to damages.

Now there is some precedent
for the range of $30,000.

What?

I don't have $30,000
lying around.

I have it buried
very deeply,

and I don't want to dig past
a certain someone to get it.

Chase Dixon is up.
Could be a big play.

You have no idea
what you're talking--

- I know it's like cricket.
- You don't.

- No, no.
- And it's--there's--well,

- home plate is like a wicket.
- You don't know.

You don't--
you don't know anything.

Look at him.
Look at him over there.

High-fiving? God.
He didn't even do anything.

Kid did all the work.

I bet he does that at home.

I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna,

"why don't you wash the dishes?

"High five, Donna.

"Hey, why don't you
bring me my slippers?

High-five.
I'm taking all the credit."

Seems pretty well-liked
by the team.

Okay, well, that's because
he's paying their salary.

You do know
that high school coaches

- don't pay their players.
- I know, I know, I know.

It--I'm--it--
that was a euphemism.

$30,000?
There's gotta be another way.

He has a 60-acre beet farm
that is worth a small fortune.

Look, I will not pay.

Well, I have an alternative.

"Intercourse to completion.

Five individual times rendered
at my discretion"?

Look, I don't think
that's actually legal.

Agreed.

Five times for $30,000?

Not a bad stud fee.
Better than most horses.

Competitive with my bull.

But not in your bed.
It's lumpy.

Those lumps are cats,
and those cats have names,

and those names are Ember,
Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.

Fine. Five times.

Look, I can't legally
watch this unfold.

It's coming
a little dangerously close

to prostitution.

- I want eye contact.
- No.

- Yes.
- Do you understand how rare

that is in nature?

I am not some farm animal.

So we're operating
within the bounds

of existing paradigms.

So thank you so much
for your help.

You got it.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Okay, thank you.
- All right.

- Yep.
- So just let me know

when we can move forward
with that.

- Yes.
- All right.

- Move forward with what?
- I do not know.

I wasn't focusing. Do you know?

No. Oh, what are we gonna do?

We just agreed to move forward
with something.

Okay, well,
you took notes, right?

Yes. Yes!

Okay, "Third quarter,
maximize Chick-fil-A."

We can move forward
with that.

- Great game, coach.
- Shh! Okay, all right.

- Don't, don't, don't.
- You guys are awesome!

Best game I've ever seen
in my life.

Yeah, right, you must be
rootin' for the other guys.

Ha,
the other guys can go die.

- [whispers] Okay.
- Baseball!

- Go talk to him.
- No, God. You go talk to him.

Shane, great game, man.

- Do I know you?
- No.

Uh, just big fans.
Both of us.

Are somebody's... parents?

Oh, are you guys...

Kenny's dads?

Ha, no. No.

But we're gay for baseball.
[chuckles]

- Okay.
- But I have a wife, actually,

- who I really love a lot.
- Okay.

Yeah, I am so into
the institution of marriage.

I mean, isn't marriage
the best, you know?

Two good people
finding each other,

getting all committed
to each other.

So you love baseball.
What else do you love?

Let's round you out
as a person.

Hey, I'm really sorry,
I'm just trying

to focus here on the game.

I get it, man. I love it.

That's what makes you
a good coach.

You know, but as a fan,
it just helps me

enjoy the game better if I know
the coach loves his wife.

Of course. Okay?
I gotta get back to this.

- Of course.
- All right.

But real quick, I want you
to meet my associate.

- Sheldon!
- No, no, no.

- Come on, get over here.
- I'm good.

- Oh, my God.
- Get over here.

Sheldon, say hi
to the nice coach.

Sorry.
I got some stomach cramps.

It's all right, it's all
right, just keep it going!

Well, that was not at all
what I expected.

[laughs] Whew.

My heart's still racing.

I just looked a man
in the eyes

and I shook his hand,
all the time I was thinkin',

"I'm sleeping with your wife."

And you know who does that?
James freakin' Bond.

Okay, orange slices.

- There you go.
- Thanks, Michael.

Don't thank me.
Thank Dylan's mom.

Here you go! Oh!
[laughing] Ooh!

Why would you throw
something wet at me?

You love it.
There you go.

Now were those for the team?

Uh, no,
they didn't say "Team."

- They just said "Coal Hawks."
- Ah.

I don't think
those were yours to take.

Well, then it wouldn't
be the first time

I stole something
away from Coach Shane.

I just wanna go on record
as saying

that I do not condone
this affair,

and I even went so far
as to force Michael

to confront the victim
of his behavior.

And I did so through
the very clever use

of a character named Trevor,
but it didn't work.

Who is Trevor?
It's a great question.

He's a regular guy
with a passing interest

in high school sports,
bit of a foodie,

kind of a wine snob, actually,

uh, loves documentaries.

If you were
to ask Trevor who he is,

he'd probably just say,
"I'm a dad."

With layers, you know?

But he's inquisitive,
which is why we as an audience

are so intrigued by him.

- Did you talk to him?
- I did.

You talked to the man

whose wife you're having
an affair with?

Wow, that is crazy.

- Uh-huh.
- Was there a fistfight?

No, we just talked.

He's very nice.

And it didn't
change your mind?

- It did not.
- Michael, that's awful.

- Isn't it?
- Yes.

- I'm awful, aren't I?
- Yeah.

- That's pretty bad.
- I'm an awful guy! Ooh!

How can you live
with yourself?

I am what I am, Oscar,
and I want what I want.

And right now
I want a piece of cake.

From now on, when I'm hungry,

I am going to eat
whatever I am hungry for.

That is a dangerous game, friendo.

People don't like heroes anymore.

They respond to people like
Tony Soprano or Nurse Jackie

or the woman from "Weeds."

Those are real people.

Those are complex

and complicated and flawed.

I am seriously flawed.

Well, because I thought
that it was a book

about Anthropologie the store.

I don't know why you were
in that part of the bookstore.

'Cause it's next
to the baby section, okay?

All right,
that makes more sense.

You should have said that
at the beginning

when you said,
"I read a book about"--

I don't even know why
you're screaming

- at me right now.
- I'm not scream--

I'm not screaming.

That's Meredith's cake.
It's her birthday.

I don't care.

I have an appetite for life.

Mmm.

Mmm. Oh, God, that's lemon.

Good for you, man.

- Good for you.
- Hmm.

He takes what he wants.

You know what?

I think you're attractive,
and I wanna sleep with you.

What about Kelly?

You read my mind.

[quietly]
Is this a joke?

Yep.

It's hard to live
that way, man.

You gotta really not care
what people think about you.

I--I don't know how you do it, Michael.

I--I--I can't be that cold.

You'll learn, baby.
You'll learn.

The teacher
has become the teacher.

I am an honorable man,
and I will honor the contract.

But I don't have
to give her the good stuff.

Schrute sperm are strong...
[groaning]

But they're no match
for a grown Schrute man.

Aah!

[chuckling]
Let's see what she gets.

Aah!

Uh, boss, we're out of paper.

- Yeah, I noticed that.
- Are you gonna add any more?

Nope.

He don't give an F
about nothin'!

I have got big balls.

I don't think
I'm gonna make it.

[yawning] What about
a energy drink or something?

It gets in the breast milk.

If I drink it,
Cece drinks it six hours later.

Well, it doesn't mean
I can't drink it.

Well,
it does and it doesn't.

Probably
shouldn't tell you this,

but a lot of guys
in the warehouse

work multiple jobs,
so we have a place.

- A place?
- A restful location.

Talk to Glenn.
He'll take you up in the lift.

You sleep in the warehouse?

Light bulb's burnt out,
so it's dark.

And the heat
from the backup generator

keeps it nice and warm.

Sometimes I think about it
when I'm trying

to fall asleep at home.

But as far as the rest
of the office goes,

it doesn't exist, okay?

- Okay.
- Pam?

Okay.

- For your signature.
- Okay.

Phyllis.

Okay, look at me.

Phyllis, look at--

okay, that's--

all right, all right.

You know what?
I'm sick of this.

I'm sick of the little
disapproving head shakes.

If you think that's going
to have any effect on me,

it will not.

I am going to leave right now

and go to a motel
to meet Donna.

Why not your condo?

Because a motel is dirty
and it is sexy.

Like me.
And like Donna.

And frankly,
the stuff that we're into

isn't very condo-appropriate.

Oh, Michael,
will you drop it?

Everybody's spoken their mind,

and no one's
changing their mind.

Okay, Morgan Freeman
narrating everything.

Do you want someone
to stop you?

- 'Cause no one's going to.
- Nobody better try to stop me.

Good.

I could have stopped him.

- Are you warmed up?
- No.

God, Angela, why is that
always my responsibility?

- What did you do to yourself?
- Never mind.

Just never mind.

- Well, it better work.
- Oh, it'll work.

Mm. Stop kissing me.

- [groans]
- It's not in the contract.

How do I feel about
breaking up with Donna?

Good. Moral. I feel proud.

Like a grown-up.

That was not easy because
I really liked her a lot,

and I'm a little bit
emotional right now

because I know
that I absolutely made

the right decision.

At the end of the day,
we have to do what's right.

And it was either
living with myself...

or being happy.

And I picked the...

former.

- Michael Scott?
- Yes?

Do you wanna make a comment
on the rumors?

[sighs] Um...

I have done
some very bad things,

things of which
I am not proud.

I would like to publicly
apologize to...

the coach and the players.

And I vow to never listen

to my bodily instincts
ever again.

I'm talking about
the Sabre printers

that catch on fire.

Oh, okay.
I was talking about...

what do--what--
what's goin' on?