All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S06E06.Mafia.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

The fundamentals
of business.

The funda-mentals
of business.

Mental is a part
of the word.

I have underlined it.

Because you're mental
if you don't have a good time.

You have to enjoy it.

Well, the--
the fun is in it.

[laughter and chatter]

- Fundamental.
- Oh, right. [chuckles]

Get out.

Yeah, I am, I am.

Yes, so it all starts
with a handshake.

A good, firm handshake.

Oscar, come on up here.

I would like Oscar to help me

demonstrate
the classic handshake.

Extend your--what are you,
right- or left-handed?

- I'm righty.
- Right--right hand.

Extend it out, grasp my hand.

Good.
Oscar's very natural with this.

See what we did?

We wrapped our thumbs around
each other's hands.

He has done the same.

I have wrapped my fingers
up and over.

He has done the same.

Usually, it is customary
to shake once or twice.

I want everybody to try that.

Everybody, take a hand,

extend your right hand,

grasp firmly,
but not too firmly.

We don't want
to put anyone off.

There you go.
That'll work, that'll work.

Good.
Everybody got it?

Oscar, have a seat.

So you got the handshake,

but you can't just
go right to the selling.

You need small talk.

What topics can you use
for small talk?

- Oh, the weather.
- Yeah, good. What else?

- Golf, stock market.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Dave Matthews.
- Yes, what else?

Uh, small things--
peas, ball bearings, dimes.

- No.
- The weekend.

Yeah! That's good.
Come on up.

Meredith, come up here.
Let's do a little something.

So Meredith and I
have just started conversing,

and I will say,

"So Meredith,
how was your weekend?"

What did you do?

Well, I caught my son

taking a dump on the
upper part of the toilet.

- All right.
- He calls it an upper-decker.

Okay, okay. God.
[exhales deeply]

What you people
don't know about business

I could fill a book with.

- Then do it.
- What?

Write a book.

"The Fundamentals
of Business" by Michael Scott.

Over one billion sold.

More than the Bible.
I'm not surprised.

Chapter one.

The businessman...

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]

Oh.

Mr. Grotti,
this is Michael Scott.

He's the person
you should talk to.

Oh, hi.
I'm sorry, just a sec.

[whispering] Erin, you're
supposed to be the gatekeeper.

Do you have any idea
how valuable my time is?

[whispering]
Your schedule just says

9:00 till noon
is creative space.

I thought this could
be part of that.

Do you know
how creative space works?

[whispers] Okay, fine,
just cancel my afternoon.

You don't have anything
in the afternoon.

It just says, "free play."

Push "free play"
till tomorrow morning.

[normal volume]
Hi, sorry.

Crazy day.

You're seeing
how the sausage gets made.

Ah.

Come in
the conference room,

and I will show you
a finished sausage.

As a manager of business,
you got a lot of pride.

Mm.

But you also got
a lot of responsibility.

- Yep.
- None greater, perhaps,

than the need to be sure

that your small
or large business

is secure in the event
of a covered loss.

Okay.

[imitates gunshot]

There is nothing
more insulting

to a great salesman

than having to listen
to a bad salesman.

It's like a great
basketball player

having to listen
to a bad basketball player.

[phone ringing]

You could've taken Jim's
office if you'd thought of it.

I did think of it.
I just didn't act on it.

Jim's gone
on his honeymoon,

so I started borrowing
his office to fart in.

Then one day,
I came in,

and I just stayed,

'cause this place
is awesome.

It feels like home now.

Even better than my home.

My home sucks.

Brisket for breakfast?

It's really on the brink
of going rotten.

Gotta wolf it down.

Man, doesn't it seem like

Jim and Pam have been gone
forever?

Who gives a crap?

Oh, I'm just saying

it's great that
she has so much time off.

It's unusual.

Are you trying
to get her in trouble?

Not at all.

She totally deserves time off
for her honeymoon.

And I guess for
her maternity leave after that.

Teacher, teacher, Pam hasn't
been in class this week.

Backstabbing
a pregnant woman.

No, I'm just
making conversation.

We can talk about anything.

Meredith, I saw your son's tag
on the bridge.

Wow, he's so great
with a spray can.

Look, you're never
gonna be Pam.

We're always gonna
like her more.

Deal with it.

What do you think?

Think you're right.
Definitely looks suspicious.

And his Southern Italian
heritage raises some flags.

It's not wrong to use
all the facts at your disposal

when assessing a situation.

If you're interviewing
a suspect in a stabbing,

it's okay to ask them if
they're right- or left-handed.

And if they're left-handed,
it doesn't mean they're guilty.

Though left-handed people
do stab people

to a disproportionately
high degree.

My guess is he's your man.

You shouldn't judge
based on appearance.

If anything, people are usually
the opposite of how they look.

Like cute, pretty people
are usually horrible.

Really?

Oh.

I don't like this guy.
I think he's fishy.

God forbid you...

should have a fire
in the warehouse.

Oh, yep.
Yeah, definitely.

All that paper burning up.

Yeah, and the truck goes off
the side of the road?

- There's injury.
- Mm-hmm, I hear you.

The truck.

You will be hearing from me,
Mr. Scott.

Okay, well.

I can be very,
very persistent.

Do your worst.

Okay, wow.
That's plenty there, Popeye.

[laughs]

Oh, great.
[scoffs]

Would you look at that, people?

What an unpredictable world
we live in, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks.

What happened in there?

Nothing, other than,
once again,

I am just thankful
that I am a paper salesman.

- Did he threaten you?
- No, Dwight.

Not everything is a threat.

Mobsters are.

There is no such thing
as monsters.

- [blinds rattling]
- He drives an SUV.

I knew it.
More trunk space.

Or should I say corpse space?

Okay, guys,
I drive an SUV.

Does that mean
I'm in the mob?

No, not that by itself,
but look at all the facts.

He seems like a mobster.

Wait, when did we start
talking about the mob?

The guy was trying
to sell me insurance.

All mobsters have a front.

Sometimes
it's selling insurance.

Sometimes, it's waste
management or sanitation.

Yeah, a lot of criminals

launder money
through a legitimate business.

I mean, Bob has been accused
several times

because the FBI is jealous
of his success.

For the record,

not all Italian Americans
are in the mafia.

I think he just seemed like

he was trying
to sell me insurance.

Yeah, "buy my insurance,
or I burn your warehouse down."

Exactly.

He did talk about
a fire in the warehouse.

And he also
vaguely threatened me

with testicular cancer.

[sighs]
All right, who else is here?

Pam and Jim
are on their honeymoon,

so there's
not the usual balance

between sane and others.

Toby has mentally checked out
since June.

It's a very dangerous time.

The coalition for reason
is extremely weak.

Oscar says I checked out, huh?

Huh.

- [all talking at once]
- All right, hey, hey, hey!

Calm down,
calm down, calm down.

Ryan, you lived in New York.
What do you think?

Well, first of all,

there's no such thing as
"the mafia."

What you have
are specific families.

What's the guy's
last name?

Um, it is... Grotti.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.

Oh, I mean, what?
What?

John Gotti, you idiot.

It's--it's a completely
different name.

So he won't get caught.

- Yeah.
- It's pretty close.

What are you
talking about?

What mobster
would change his name

from Gotti to Grotti?

- It weakens it.
- No, I disagree.

"R" is among the most
menacing of sounds.

That's why they call it murder,
not "mukduk."

Okay, too many
different words coming at me

from too many
different sentences.

- Lock your door!
- I'm not gonna lock my door.

[lock clicks]

There's something
you don't know about me.

I hate the mafia.

Listen.

It's probably best if people

don't ask about
other people's vacation days.

Oh, gosh, is this
because of what I said

to Stanley and Meredith
about Pam?

I know you've had
your differences with Pam.

No, we haven't.
No, she barely talks to me.

Erin!

[softly]
So we're clear?

Yeah.

For some reason,

everyone seems to think
that I have a beef with Pam,

which couldn't be further
from the truth.

I've never had a beef
with anyone.

I've liked every single person
I've ever met.

- Hello?
- Jim, it's Oscar.

I'm so sorry to be calling you
on your honeymoon.

Oscar, uh,
what is going on?

It's Michael.

He thinks he's being
shaken down by the mob.

I don't know how
you usually handle this.

We're in Puerto Rico, so...

- Hey, Oscar. It's Pam.
- Hey.

Hey,
we're on our honeymoon.

Pam, I'm sorry.

Unless someone
very close to us

is in immediate
physical danger,

you should not be calling us.

You're right, you're right, Sorry.

[click, dial tone]
Uh, oh--okay, bye.

It's from Grotti.
He's following up.

Already?

[chuckling]
This--this guy is persistent.

Okay, "I feel...

"that you will regret
missing this great opportunity

to be in business."

[whispering] That's bad.

- Yeah, yeah.
- That's bad.

What are my options here?

Do I just ignore it or...

Yeah, right.

You heard him.

He's gonna burn
the warehouse down

or run one of our trucks
off the road.

Okay,
I'm calling the police.

[dial tone droning]

[dial tone cuts off]

That is the stupidest thing
you could do right now.

No, he's right.

Cops can't do anything until
a crime has been reported.

All right.

Not only that, but if
they find out you snitched,

you get a dead horse's
chopped-off head in your bed.

- Shh! That's not gonna happen.
- You know what?

- That's an exaggeration.
- That's how it works.

It doesn't make any sense
to punish someone

by giving them a horse's head.
[scoffs]

The head is the best part.

Nothing looks and feels

like real horse face.

I'll tell you
when it's appropriate

to give someone a horse's head
in their bed.

Christmas morning.

What am I supposed
to do here?

When somebody
threatens you,

you give in right away.

Okay, you need to buy
insurance from this guy

and get him off your back.

I was thinking
exactly the same thing.

[slaps table] No.
Criminals are like raccoons.

Okay, you give them
a taste of cat food,

pretty soon, they'll
be back for the whole cat.

- Dwight--
- The only way

to defeat a bully
is to stand up to him.

Trust me, I have
bullied a lot of people.

I don't know.
I don't know about that.

Wait, let's hear him out.
This is interesting.

Here's what we do.

We meet him
in a public place.

Ask him to lunch
or something like that,

someplace where
he can't be openly violent.

Okay.

Let him know
that you are not

the typical kind of guy
that he can shake down,

that you're stubborn,

that you might even
be a little bit dangerous.

[snaps fingers]
I like this plan.

I'd like to officially
withdraw my plan.

Hold on, hold on, just--

No, no, no, no.
My plan is out.

- We do it the hard way.
- All right.

I will meet with him,
but I am not going alone.

- Well, you're gonna have to.
- We're right beside you.

What?

All right.

What are you wearing?
Who's Pat?

If I'm gonna back you up,

I need a weapon
without drawing suspicion.

And I have
to justify it somehow,

so I'm a mechanic
with a tire thing.

Do you know how to use it?

To change tires?
No.

But it's metal.
I could hit somebody with it.

Let's go.
Come on.

[whispering] God, God.

- Should I change?
- You're wearing loafers.

Forget it!
Forget it!

[indistinct chatter]

[whispering]
Take that thing off the table.

Please.

[whispering]
Well then, I can't use it.

I'm just gonna hide it.

[whispering]
Hey.

The bathroom
checks out clean.

Nothing behind the toilet
except this roach motel.

- Oh! God!
- Oh, my God.

You'll never kill it
that way.

You want to separate the head
from the thorax.

Guys, guys.

Cool it.

There he is, there he is.

Hello.

- Mr. Scott.
- Mr. Grotti, we meet again.

These are my associates.

Hi. Angelo Grotti.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- So...
- You got this table?

Yes.

What's this,
one of them half-booths,

can't decide
what it is type of--

- Well...
- [chuckles] Waitress.

We're gonna sit over here.

That's fine.

[mumbles] Okay.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- Hello, Mr. Halpert?

I'm calling from
the identity theft department

at Capital One.

We've detected
some unusual activity

on your credit card.

Oh, man,
do you think it was stolen?

First, would you mind
verifying your home address?

Um, yes.

Um...

383 Linden Ave.,
Scranton, PA.

And may I have
the last four digits

of your Social Security?

6650.

Well, Mr. Halpert,

you're obviously not
in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Wait a minute.
Yes, I am.

I'm going to go ahead
and put a hold on your card.

No, that...

I--I think that we should
let the criminal

use the card
a little longer.

[chuckles]
Very funny, sir.

We'll get a new card
out to you right away.

- No--
- Have a nice day.

And thank you.

- [click]
- [groans softly]

Shoot.

There's probably a lot of fun,

free things to do
in Puerto Rico.

If you want
to supplement your coverage,

we can do that.

If you want to replace
your current coverage,

all the better.

Eh,
you seem like a nice guy.

Oh, he's not that nice.

That's true.

Mm, that's very true.

- Okay, shut up, mechanic.
- Have you decided?

Yeah, I'll have linguini,
red sauce on the side.

If the sauce does not
come on the side,

I will send it back.

I want garlic bread,
toasted, not burnt.

If it comes burnt,
I will send it back.

Okay, then.
And for you, sir?

I will have the gabagool.

The what?

The gabagool.

I don't really
know what that is.

You know, gabagool.

I don't--I don't--I don't
have to have that.

What's he's trying to say
is gabagool.

Guys, guys, all right.

I don't really
think that we have that.

- That's okay.
- Bring him the gabagool!

Shh!
I will have the spaghetti.

- With a side salad.
- Okay.

If the salad is on top,
I send it back.

And for you, sir?

Egg salad sandwich
on white bread.

With Lawry salt.

I'm sorry.
Did you see that on the menu?

No--um.

Why would you cancel
Jim's credit cards?

I usually can think
quick on my feet,

but they were so fast
on the phone.

This constitutes
identify fraud.

Oh, God.

I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar.

I'm not like you.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Oh, you don't know
about jail?

Oh, you would love jail.

Why would I love jail?

Because...

you would love it.

I don't think our company
actually needs

any more insurance,
so I am out.

Look closely, Michael.

I feel there's
a plan here for you.

Maybe we have
a plan for you.

How 'bout you?

Maybe you can use
supplemental coverage

of some kind.

Anybody can get hurt.

You always think
it can't happen to you, and...

[slaps table]

Think about it.

Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you.
Are you a mechanic?

- [voice shaking] Yeah.
- My battery's dead.

I've got my kid.
Can you please help?

- Yes, I can.
- No, no, no, no.

Come on, I'm sorry.
We're having our salads.

Come on.
Lady in distress.

Go, go!

Okay.
Sorry.

Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.

Hey, do you need
any help?

I'm sure he can handle
a simple jumpstart.

Now come on.
Sit down.

He's a good mechanic.

Sit down.

Where were we?

I don't...

He was trying to force you
to decide on a policy.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- So we're choosing...

Yep, all right.
Put 'em down.

Black goes on the red
with the...

if we--positive...

mo--it being a motor drive,
it's just probably... down.

He seems bad at this.

[snapping]
You want to do this, junior?

I didn't think so.

Sorry.

I've just had kind of a
long day at the mechanic store.

[Andy screams]

[car hissing]
[Andy whimpers]

You got a leaky, uh,
spark tube.

- What?
- So your car's totaled.

Uh, you're just gonna want
to get a refund on that.

Or my guy could do it.
He's great.

But, uh,
I can't do that for you.

I work exclusively
on motorcycles.

[mumbling]

[sighs]

Now, if you could just
sign this letter of intent,

I'll bring this back
to my boss

and we can get this
in motion.

[Dwight clears throat loudly]

[Andy clears throat loudly]

- You okay, Pat?
- Yeah.

I was just thinking
about how, uh...

I had this car, 'cause--
this Italian car.

And I was driving it,

and it kept telling me
how much it needed oil,

but I wouldn't
give it any oil.

And then, one day,
it exploded

and it killed everyone

and that's
what I'm afraid of.

Aren't you a mechanic?

Why wouldn't you
put oil in the car?

It was before my--
my technical training.

Okay, you know what?

I have a story
about a car as well.

And that car was named KITT
from "Knight Rider."

And he was brave and true
and loyal and strong

and fought crime
and didn't back down

and people loved that car.

And he wouldn't sign anything
he didn't want to.

And to this day,

he's immortalized
in people's bedsheets,

even grown men's.

I don't--
I don't understand.

[under his breath]
Don't do it.

[under his breath] Do it.

- [under breath] Don't.
- [under breath] Just do it.

[under his breath]
Don't do it.

Look, Mike,

I don't know what
your friends are telling you,

but you have to decide
for yourself.

These guys gonna
take care of your things

if you die tomorrow?

Yes.

[gulps]

Okay.

Oh.

I don't understand.
Why would you buy a policy?

It's just the cost
of a cup of coffee an hour.

You were man enough
to back down, Michael.

I'm proud of you.

I had to make
a snap decision, Dwight.

It wasn't a snap decision.

You were sitting there
for an hour.

It was a lot
of snap decisions.

Do you know
what snap decision means?

- Yes!
- It means like this.

- [Dwight snaps fingers]
- Just get in the car!

Like, one snap.

- Hello?
- Jim?

- Michael?
- Oh, thank God.

How did you get
this number?

Oh!

Michael,
we're on a catamaran.

It wasn't easy.
I had to tell the hotel

that it was
a medical emergency.

I chose massive coronary,
'cause you told me

that your dad had a bad heart.

Listen, man.

I--I got a problem.

I think I'm in trouble
with the mob.

Or a major insurance carrier.

- That sounds bad.
- Yeah, I know.

And you usually can
get out of stuff like this,

so I'm turning to you,
my friend.

I'm gonna help you
through it, all right?

- Okay.
- All you're gonna need to--

a--it--

and then go to--

Jim, are you...

And you'll be saved.

What? Wait, I didn't hear
a thing you just said.

Just a--
and then you'll be saved.

No, God!
I missed the--

I missed
the important part again.

A--

No... oh, my God.

And you'll be saved!

No, Jim, please,
repeat what you're saying!

I can't understand you!

I--wh--
Bermuda Triangle.

I--ma--

please don't call again.
[click]

Jim?

[dial tone droning]
Oh, my God.

Hey, um...
question for you.

I recently purchased
some insurance

that I can't afford,
given my present salary.

Is there anything
accounting-wise I can do

to sort of make it
all go away?

Accounting-wise, no.

But phone-wise,
just call up and cancel it.

No, no.

Um...

what about this
Cash For Clunkers thing?

Just... no.
The--no.

Okay, all right.
Well, it was a thought.

Thanks.

We have let Michael down...

and it's 85% your fault.

He's alive,
so you're welcome.

Not on the inside,
he's not.

[whispering]
Look at his life.

Broke, living in fear,

no friends, dead-end job.

Yeah,
some of that existed before.

Not the living in fear.
That's new.

You're right.
That is new.

Yes.

He's got to stand up
to this mafia guy.

Well, I don't see that happening.

Me, neither.

Not the way
things are now.

But what if Michael
felt no fear

toward the mafia guy?

- Are you saying...
- Yeah.

That we surgically remove
the fear center

from Michael's brain?

What is wrong with you?

I am talking about
convincing Michael

that the guy's not mafia.

That seems
a little far-fetched.

Well, more far-fetched
than a mobster

walking into a paper company
for a low-level shakedown?

And that happened.

- [phone line trilling]
- Hello?

Pam, it's Erin.
How's your honeymoon?

- Erin--
- You are so awesome.

I resent you--ah!

I didn't know
I was gonna say that.

But maybe it's true.

You just have it so good
and you knew this job so well

and I live in your shadow.

Erin--

Anyway, you should
just be flattered.

Erin, please do not call me

and please tell everyone else
to do the same.

Okay. I'd love to take you
out to lunch when you get back

and maybe pick your brain
about the job.

[sighs] Fine.

Great.

It's a date--
[click, dial tone droning]

[door opens]

Michael, incredible news.

Grotti is clean.

No, he's not.

He's just good.

Nothing sticks to him.

You still don't understand
how this works.

No, Michael,
what we're trying to say

is we made a mistake
assuming he was mafia.

I have a buddy
who's a fed,

and we did a background check
on the guy.

His background
is perfectly clean.

It's true, he's clean.

I have a couple of friends
still on the force.

Checked with them.

Ran his fed friend
up the flagpole

to make sure
he wasn't on the take.

Turns out he's
a totally lovely guy.

Sweetest guy on the force, really.

Class act.
Boy scout.

Boy scouts?

Please.
The training is laughable.

And how stupid is it to have
a badge that tells the world

what you know how to do?

Tells me exactly
what you can't do.

Now a Navy SEAL,
one of them alone

could take out a whole fleet
of boy scouts.

There's your merit badge.

But Grotti acts
like he's mafia, though.

He's trying to intimidate you
to close sales.

He's just a pushy salesman.

And he made us all
look like chumps.

[groans softly]

If there is one thing
I hate more than the mafia,

it is a liar.

I wish the mafia would go out
and kill all the liars.

And bury 'em in my yard.

And I wouldn't
tell the cops a thing.

Not that I would be lying,
per se.

But I would just get
really quiet all of a sudden.

- This is Grotti.
- This is Scott.

Oh, great, Michael.

I'm just finishing up
your paperwork right now.

Oh, really?
Is that supposed to scare me?

I--I thought
you'd be pleased.

Well... you thought wrong.

Because I am not pleased.
I'm actually kind of PO'd.

- Why?
- I think you know exactly why.

Because you were trying
to scare me

into buying insurance.

I don't get it.
How was I scaring you?

I think you knew exactly
what you were doing.

And, frankly,
I think you were being

a total and utter jerk.

Whoa. Okay.

- You suck!
- Okay, that's--

And I'm not gonna buy
your stupid insurance.

That's good.
Let's wrap it up.

- How 'bout that?
- Okay.

The only person that
actually needs insurance is you

if you show your face
around here again, got it?

Look, Michael,
when we all calm down here,

maybe at some point
in the future,

you change your mind,

why don't you
give me a call?

Doubt it.
[button clicks]

[both chuckle]

[laughing]
Oh, man.

What a... tool.

[Dwight chuckles]

What?

Next time
you look in the mirror,

you're gonna be
looking at a guy

who stood down the mafia.

No.
What do you mean?

We just told you
he wasn't mafia

so you wouldn't be scared.

What?

You successfully
backed down the mob.

You made the mafia
apologize to you.

You made the mafia
be polite.

Oh, man.

I should be mad
at you guys.

But I'm not.

[phone line trilling]

- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, hi, Pam.

Is Jim there?

Listen, our credit card
has been cancelled

and we have to deal with that
and I really can't handle

the fact that
you're calling us here.

Okay, that sounds good.
Um, I'll let you go.

Just tell Jim that I said hi.

Oh, I will.
I will, Kevin.

I will make that
my top priority.

Cool. Kay.

[click, dial tone droning]
Bye--

[chewing loudly]

They have no idea
what happened.

[chewing loudly]

So I looked him
in the eye,

and I said,
"not today, Grotti.

"Not today.
And not tomorrow.

"And not the next day
or the day after that.

"And you can tell
all your friends

that if I see them,
then they are already dead."

I said
something like that.

Very close.

Just to be clear, he backed
down an insurance agent

from Mutual of Harrisburg.

Erin, coffee.

- Okay.
- Not from the kitchen.

Stop and Shop.

If it's not Stop and Shop,
I send it back.

- Okay.
- Large.

If it's a medium,
I send it back.

If it's an extra-large,
I send it back.

How--how do you
return coffee?

Go.

Any questions?

I'm not the one
who stole Jim's credit card,

but I still feel bad
and Pam seemed mad,

so I decided to send them
a gift in Puerto Rico:

a box of lingerie

with a tag that says,
"From an old friend."

I think they'll understand.
It's pretty clear.

My name is Angelo Grotti.

I'm an insurance agent
for Mutual of Harrisburg

We offer flood, fire, auto,
business, life, and umbrella.

Mutual of Harrisburg.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪