All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S06E04.Niagara.Part.1.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

I'm sorry, you guys have
probably noticed

my stomach's a little more
sensitive lately,

so if you wouldn't mind

wearing
a little less perfume,

and if your lunch
is especially pungent,

maybe have it
in the break room.

We would really
appreciate it.

Pam is constantly
throwing up

because of the pregnancy.

If she eats something
the fetus doesn't like,

she is screwed.
It's amazing.

A three-ounce fetus
is calling the shots.

It's so badass.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

I guess I missed the meeting

where we all voted
for you to get pregnant.

No.
I reserve the right

to peel my hard-boiled eggs
at my desk.

Dwight,
they smell like farts.

Do you ever think
that the very smell

that makes you nauseous
strengthens my constitution?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind
if you ate those

in the break room too.

Yeah, so you can go through
my stuff?

No, thank you.

Phyllis, um, if you could
switch to a different soap

just for a month or two--?

Yours is kind of perfumey.

Now this is getting ridiculous.

All morning I look forward
to my afternoon cigars,

and I am not stopping
for anybody.

I don't think I'm asking
for too much.

I guess it's just the end
of courtesy in the workplace.

Watching people get sick
always makes me sick.

And...

well, frankly,
so does talking about it,

so... wow.

[retching]

[both retching]

[coughs]

Hello, world.

This is Pam Beesly,

and this is the latest installment

of my wedding video diary.

This afternoon my fiancé Jim
and I are going

to Niagara Falls to get married
after a half-day of work.

Whoo-hoo!
I'm gettin' my marriage on!

Sorry, I'm just really excited.

Okay. So let's see.

Um, last time I talked
about the difficulties

of throwing a wedding
on a budget,

specifically
flower arrangements.

My solution...

paper flowers.

I made these using
a regular cardstock

that I found in the warehouse.

Can you believe they were gonna
just throw that away?

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe.

[giggles]

You gotta let me know
when you're doing that.

Well, what do you think?

I spent all morning doing it.

- It is really special.
- [laughs]

Yeah, but aren't you supposed
to do that to our--

no, it's great.

Well, it's just
a really important day for me.

- Well, congrats.
- Thanks.

Dunder Mifflin Scranton
will be closed today and Friday

for a company wedding
in Niagara Falls,

so please leave a message,

and we'll get back to you
as soon as possible.

Have a great day.

Uh, believe it or not, Kevin,

firecrackers are
in the "don't" column.

So you're gonna provide them
then?

No, this is
a firecracker-free wedding.

- What the hell?
- You've got to be kidding me.

Okay, all of these things
are important to remember,

but the most important thing
is that no one say anything

about my pregnancy
at the wedding.

Absolutely,
because not everyone knows,

and some people
might be offended.

Decent people everywhere
will get offended.

Well, we're thinking
of my grandmother,

who we haven't told,
and who is very old-fashioned.

Well, you're lucky
to have a grandmother.

Some of us have
to be our own grandmother.

You know, Angela, um,

you don't have to come
to the wedding.

- Really, Pam?
- Yes, she does. Yes, she does.

We're all gonna go, and we're
gonna have a good time.

- Ow! He pinched me.
- No.

Next time
we're all in this room,

Jim and I will be married.

We'll see.

- Thank you, Dwight.
- Good-bye.

- See you later.
- Bye.

Oh, hey,
and don't embarrass me

when we go to Niagara.

What happens in Niagara stays
in Niagara.

[laughter]

Don't, don't, don't.

You stole my joke.
Don't steal my joke.

No, I didn't steal your joke.

Yes, I said that yesterday.

But you can say that
about anything.

What happens in accounting
stays in accounting.

Oh, yeah.
[laughter]

No, no, no. Please, please.
Dwight, that's my joke.

No, but it's so easy.
That's what I'm saying.

- You can say--
- Okay, this is what

I am talking about.
When we leave here

and go up to Niagara Falls,

we are representing
Dunder Mifflin, everyone.

This is a very important
wedding for this branch,

the most important wedding
until I get married,

so I want you all
on your best behavior

or so help me, God!

So I will see you up there
in "Viagra" Falls.

Pam and Jim's wedding will be

the single best pickup destination

in the history of the universe.

They are attractive people,
and I assume that they have

a lot of attractive
unmarried female friends

who I hope to meet.

I think my secret weapon
will be my toast.

My toast will be, uh, funny,
charming, very sexual.

Um, it will reference the big
summer blockbuster movies,

so I defy any woman
who has seen "G-Force"

not to be swept off her feet.

Deodorant, toothpaste, check.

[whispering]
Did you bring condoms?

Yes, extra-large.

I brought 78 condoms.

[laughs] Oh, man.
For three days?

You're gonna have sex 78 times
in three days?

26 times.

How many condoms
do you use each time?

Three, right?

One...

One for each.

What else? What else?
What else?

Uh, I got a binder here.

Uh, we can take turns
studying it

while the other is driving.

Okay, sort of like
a health class thing, yeah.

I could use a refresher.

No, it's, uh--

I stole the guest list
from Jim's desk,

and I search-engined
every female

on both sides of the family.

- Get out of here.
- Yes.

- Oh, my god, Dwight.
- For instance,

Pam's cousin Jocelyn Webster.

- There's a name.
- [laughs]

Two years ago, she was selling
a mountain bike.

Oh, well,
tell me about Jocelyn.

- What's she like?
- I will. I will.

Uh, she's really
into mountain biking,

- but not so much lately.
- Okay.

Uh, she had a couple hundred
dollars to spend.

I mean, if she was able
to sell her bike, then...

Is that all you have on her?

Well, if this in fact her

because it's a very common name.

Okay. You're an idiot.

People don't think of me

as one of the sharper dressers
in the office,

but I'm going to turn
that around at this wedding.

I thought, "How can I take it
to the next level?"

The hair.

[car horn honking]
It's the hair.

Okay. Okay. I'm going.
[honks]

Hey, did one of you guys want
to sit up front with me

so I have someone to talk to?

- It's, like, a five-hour drive
- ish, you know?

Nah, this is so much cooler.

We feel like we're in a limo
and you're our driver.

Mm.

- Erin?
- Oh, no.

That wouldn't be fair
to leave Kelly alone in back.

Not only is Erin
really sweet and cute...

she smells like my mom.

Hey, my aunt told me
something neat.

- Yeah?
- She said everything

with the wedding goes by
so fast,

we should try
to take mental pictures

- of the high points.
- Oh, wow.

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

Click.

Oh, you blinked.

Damn it.
Now that's in my brain forever.

- Oh.
- What a lousy picture.

We should have hired
a professional

to take the mental pictures.

Oh, god. Wow.

Oh. I was asleep.

What? No way.

Those glasses are super dark.

- Oh, wow.
- Okay.

All right, we need some tunes,
I think.

You know what?
I made you a CD.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

- That was nice of you.
- This is to play

when you bring a woman back
to your hotel room.

Oh, very thoughtful.
A little mix to set the mood.

- [laughs]
- Delightful.

- Pop that in.
- You're gonna like this.

Hello,
my name is Dwight Schrute.

If you are listening to this,

you're a lucky woman
Michael has seduced.

Ah, to be in your shoes.

"What's next?"
You're probably wondering.

Don't be scared
of your night in heaven.

Are you serious?
You want me to play that

for a woman coming to my room?

Yeah.

- Hell is wrong with you?
- [sighs]

That wasn't so bad, was it?
Now let Michael sleep.

Quietly gather your belongings
and let yourself out.

- Oh, my God.
- You see, it's practical.

No, no.
That's now how it works.

Niagara Falls used
to be, like,

a spiritual experience
to people.

They stayed in tents,
and it blew their minds.

But it's really kitschy now,
which is a lot of fun.

Oh, hello.
We're standing in front

of the majestic
Statler Falls Hotel.

And I know
what you're asking yourself.

"How did they get in
to the number one hotel

"in the region

"in its price range
on Tripadvisor?

"Who do they know?
How did they swing that?

"They are so fancy.

We hate them, but secretly,
we wanna be them."

Stop it. Stop narrating.

- I actually think it's help--
- I'm not kidding.

On the fourth of--

Come inside.

- Halpert. Halpert.
- And Beesly.

Tonight
we're in two separate rooms,

and then Tomorrow night
is the honeymoon suite.

- Great.
- I know.

We're pretty excited too.

Can we take a look
at the suite now?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Somebody just checked in.

Oh, is there another wedding
at the hotel this weekend?

Oh, no.
Just an individual.

That man there.

Hey, I got the room
the night before you guys.

I'll break in the bed.
[laughs]

I don't like that.

I'm gonna need the name
and cell phone number

of the housekeeper responsible

for changing the sheets, please.

Hello.

Reservation for Michael Scott.

- One moment while I check.
- Their proximity to the falls

makes everything smell
like a basement.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sorry, sir.

I'm not seeing you in here.

When did you make
your reservation?

I don't have a reservation,
but I want a room

in the Beesly-Halpert block
of rooms.

Oh, okay.
Unfortunately, sir,

the block only applies
to the rate.

I'm afraid we're all sold out.

Dwight Schrute.
I have a reservation.

Confirmation number,

- uh, Romeo, tango, G 7-7-4-5.
- Yes. Schrute.

And I had spoken to Theresa
about a room with two safes.

- Sure. No problem.
- Okay?

There's your key,
Mr. Schrute.

- Thank you.
- Dwight. Dwight, Dwight.

- I need to stay in your room.
- No way.

- What if I meet someone?
- I'm staying in your--

- come on.
- No, Michael.

- I would do the same for you.
- You would?

- Yes.
- Really?

- Yes. Let's just... go.
- I don't--

Wait a second.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

This must be some kind
of mistake.

This reservation
is under an M. Scott.

- Oh...
- This must be yours.

- Thank God.
- Oh, no.

Now that I don't have a room,
can I stay with you?

Um...

no. You know what?

I--I would say yes,
but you can't,

and I'll tell you why.
If I have a woman up there

and things are getting amorous,
she's gonna get turned off

if she looks in the bathroom
and she sees you

brushing your teeth with butter
and clay, okay?

Okay, okay. Aha!

That was a test,
and you have failed,

for this is my room.
Okay?

You would not share it
with me.

- I don't have a room?
- No, you do not.

Okay, ooh, you must pass
the dungeon wisdom test.

It worked.

When Mary was denied
a room at the inn,

Jesus was born.

When Michael was denied
a room at the inn,

we don't know what happens

because that story
hasn't been told yet.

Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
[laughs]

Hey, Stanley. Favor.

Could I stay
in your room tonight?

Are you out of your mind?
I brought Cynthia with me.

Not in the same bed.
In the other bed.

I got one queen-size bed.

You are kidding me.

A queen-size bed
is five-feet wide.

I am not five-feet wide, Michael.

I'm not a physics major, Stanley.

I'm just saying be careful.

Hey, guys.

Hey, could I stay
in your room tonight?

- Oh, gross.
- Blow my brains out.

That's rude.

Michael, I have
an extra twin bed, if you want.

You are going to be sleeping
by yourself

for the rest of your life,

so you should just
get used to it.

So, uh, which one
is Pam's grandma?

Oh, Meemaw?
She's the one in the teal suit.

She's the only 80-year-old
with no smile wrinkles.

Dad, remember.
No mention of the baby, right?

- No.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's very conservative.

So mum's the word.

Um, Dad,
this is Michael Scott.

- How you doing?
- Oh, hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Who's doing a toast?

I would like to go third,
sort of back cleanup if--

Michael,
I thought we discussed

that we'd rather you not speak,
like, at all

because it's just gonna be
blood relatives, I think.

That is seriously going
to impede my ability

to hook up
with your female relatives.

Pretty sure
everybody heard that.

Didn't move my lips.

- Hey, Meemaw.
- Oh.

I wasn't sure about your branch
of the family

after I heard about
your parents' divorce,

but you and Jim
are just perfect.

- God bless you.
- Oh, thank you,

but nobody's perfect.

Well, I wouldn't care
to live if I thought that.

Mr. Beesly, how are you?

I'd like you to meet
Kristy Kelly.

Oh, this, uh--
this your niece?

[laughs] No, no.
She's, uh--she's my girlfriend.

Hey, can you make room
at that table?

From quarter three
to quarter four, up 17%

while his sales, down 2%.

It's all there in the report.

Why would they make
the bad man your boss

if you're so much smarter?

Excellent question.

Because while I was busy

trying to improve the company
and make it a success,

Jim, the bad man,

was busy kissing
the boss man's butt.

- All: Ew!
- That's right.

It is ew.

It's very ew.

Oscar, Kevin,
this is my sister, Penny.

She's also my maid of honor.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's Kevin?

I thought it was Gill.

She thought
I was your boyfriend.

You thought
I was dating this?

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Oscar,
it was an honest mistake.

Him? Him?

Oscar, I would be proud
to date you.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.

- Nice to meet you, Kevin.
- Yes.

- You owe me an apology.
- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean--

Are you seeing anyone
right now?

She has a boyfriend.
He's out of town.

- Cool.
- Thank you.

I was the youngest VP
in company history.

More recently,
he worked in a bowling alley.

Tell 'em one of your funny
bowling alley stories.

- Um, also--
- How did Meredith get put

at the young people's table?

She probably switched cards
with someone,

like I did with Erin.

What? You c--that's--

you're--you're not allowed.

I really wanted
to sit next to you.

Mm-hmm.

I know this place.

It was home base when I ran
cigarettes over the border.

For who, mobsters?

I never knew.

The balloon came in,
the balloon came out.

I didn't think to ask.

Jim and Pam,

I can't tell you
how happy I am to be here.

Head table, where I belong.

- It's just for family.
- No.

Who's that one?

[talking indistinctly]

Isabel Poreba.

Oh, I got stuff on her.
[laughs]

I know
that we're all really--

In 1996, her 10th grade
volleyball team went 10 and 2.

What am I supposed
to do with that, Dwight?

That's a very good record.

[people talking indistinctly]

- [laughter]
- It was kind of crazy,

you know what I mean?

You should've seen her face.
Well, that's true.

That's just
'cause you're trouble.

Oh, just a little bit
of trouble.

[both laugh]

I just--I wanted to tell you,
you really spiked that toast.

- What?
- You really--

you--that toast, you spiked it.

Is that an expression or?

It's a volleyball term.

I study volleyball.

- I'm sort of a fan.
- Are you--

You're Pam's boss, right?

One and the same.

[laughs] Okay.

- Um, Kristy, how are you?
- Hey.

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

It's good to see you
and everything.

Um...

Here's what we'll do.
I'll say,

"Jim is the greatest brother
you could have."

- [feigns cough] Not.
- Right?

Right, right, so I'll be like,
"He is so sweet, guys,

- and so kind"--
- Oh, and that's when I'll do

- the face like--
- Like "What?" Right?

And then we'll just give him
a little punch to the back.

- A noogie.
- Although you know what?

- Never to married for a noogie.
- Never.

They have hilarious material,

and they are going
to totally deliver it wrong.

I would kill
with the brother stuff.

It should be me up there.

It should be me and Pete,
not Pete and Tom.

Pam, you've got
the greatest smile,

and your body is really fine.

- Smoking.
- Hoping it'll make our wives

kick it up a notch.

- A little mo' cardio.
- We're just saying.

[laughs]

That's not appropriate.

Hello. Hi, everybody.

I promised I wasn't
gonna make a toast,

and I'm not going to,
just going to do

a little freestanding comedy,
and if at the end

everybody wants
to raise their glasses

to Pam and Jim,
then so be it.

Hey, what is the deal
with the smart car?

How smart is that?

Those things are tiny.

Can you even drive them
in traffic?

"Oh, I'm so smart.

"E equals mc... squared.

I--I drive a smart car."

That's not smart in my book.

The real smart car is KITT
from "Knight Rider."

- "Knight Rider."
- That's a car that can talk.

Can a smart car talk?

Nope. That's not smart.

And also
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."

- Very smart.
- And... you--

everybody can laugh.

It doesn't have
to just be the idiots.

- Everybody can laugh.
- Nope.

Yeah, go ahead.

All right. Hey, everyone.
Thanks for coming.

- Douche. [coughs]
- Aw, thanks, Pete.

That was really nice.
I just want to say

how happy we are that all
of you are here tonight,

and I want to especially thank

those of you who have
traveled from far away

to be here with us tonight,

especially the Florida cousins,

who obviously
can't take a hint.

[laughter]

Four years ago,
I was just a guy

who had a crush on a girl
who had a boyfriend.

And I had
to do the hardest thing

that I've ever had to do,
which was just to wait.

Uh, don't get me wrong.

I flirted with her.

Pam, I can now admit

in front of friends and family

that I do know how
to make a photocopy.

Didn't need your help
that many times.

And, uh, do you remember
how long it took you

to teach me how to drive stick?

Like, a year.

I've been driving stick
since high school, so...

[laughter]

Yes, for a really long time,
that's all I had.

I just had little moments
with a girl

who saw me as a friend.

And a lot of people told me
I was crazy

to wait this long for a date
with a girl who I worked with,

but I think even then
I knew that...

I was waiting for my wife.

- Aww.
- So...

I would like
to propose a toast.

So if you'd all
raise your glasses--

not Pam, for obvious reasons,

but everyone else, if you would
raise your glasses--

What's obvious?

Why can't Pam drink?

Pam can't drink?
Who--I didn't--

I shouldn't have said that.
I don't know why I did.

She can do whatever she wants,

- though she shouldn't.
- [laughs]

She shouldn't
because she's an alcoholic.

Pam is an alcoholic.

- Jim.
- That's not true.

No.

What we wanted--

the real reason is that, um...

that--that Pam's pregnant--

- [clears throat]
- Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, what I think Jim is trying
to say is that...

they had an accident,

and you know what?

These two people,
they're living together.

They are having
lots of consensual sex.

They were living together?

Yes.
Yes, they were living tog--

yes, and you know what?

You can't expect them
to be careful every time

because, frankly, it's just
a different sensation...

- Michael.
- When you come--

well, am I wrong?

They say it's not different,

but it's a different sensation...

- Oh, my God. Don't. Please.
- When you use something

to block...

I think everybody knows
what I am talking about.

It's not necessarily
different for the woman...

- Michael--
- But it is different--okay.

- Okay, okay.
- Michael, stop.

All right.

My point is, I said
what I wanted to say,

and Meemaw,
I hope you heard every word.

All right.

Jim.

To waiting.

- To waiting.
- Okay.

- To waiting.
- To waiting.

- To waiting.
- Cheers.

The hotel's television set
had a movie on

called "Bruno" last night.

The remote control had so darn
many buttons on it,

I couldn't turn it off,

so I had to just sit there
while it happened to me.

I wondered, "How could
they pick such a hotel?"

Mm. Now I know.

Meemaw.

I think it was a little
touch and go at first,

but we saved it, I believe.

I can't believe it was me.

I know, I can't believe
it was you either.

I actually think it takes a lot
of pressure off of me.

Is there something
about being a manager

that makes you
say stupid things?

I have not found that
to be the case.

- Hey, smooth guys.
- I'm so sorry.

Can you believe it?
He screwed up, not me.

Meemaw's not coming
to the wedding.

She's leaving tomorrow morning.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

There's gonna be a free room?

Hi, meemaw. It's Michael.

Oh, you're that foul man

that kept talking
about intercourse.

Yes.
Yep, one and the same.

- May I?
- [mumbles]

I am actually great
with old women.

In fact, for the longest time,

my best friend
was my grandmother.

And then she met Harriet,

and now she thinks
she's better than everybody.

I want to go to bed,
but I can't.

I can't turn
that television off.

Oh. Okay, well...

- hook you up there.
- Oh.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

It was
that horrible "Charlie Rose."

Oh. Isn't he terrible?

May I?

Here's the thing.

Um...

Meemaw, I think you just need
to chill out

about this whole
Pam getting pregnant thing.

It's not 1890 anymore.

It's modern day and women
have sex before marriage,

and I think we need
to celebrate that.

And I know in your day

she would be considered
a whore,

but now women go out
and they have sex

and they get wild
and they take their tops off

and they have pictures
taken of them,

and we need to encourage that.
That's part of life.

People are like
cats and dogs these days.

- Exactly.
- This used to be

- such a great country.
- I know.

I don't know what happened
to it.

They're gonna name the baby
after you, you know?

They're gonna call it Meemaw.

You mean Sylvia?

Yes.

And if it's a boy,
they will call it Sylvio.

Par-tay. Room 639.

Yes.

Chicks are gonna
be off the hook.

Guys too, Oscar,

like Calvin Klein models.

That sounds epic.

Can we bring anything?

Nothing,
except for $40 for beer

and any hot chicks you know
'cause that would help me

deliver
on some promises I made.

Whoo!
No one from the office has been

to a real Bernard throwdown.

If I was a girl,
I would seriously reconsider

coming to this party.
[laughs]

But don't tell them
that I said that

'cause I want them...
♪ There ♪

Dwight, come on. Let's go.

- What are you wearing?
- What?

It's a casual social outfit.

It looks like you're going
to a fish fry, Dwight.

No, they're howling
at the moon.

- It's suggestive to women.
- [sighs]

Because of howling
during sex.

- Okay.
- [howls insanely]

- That's not appropriate.
- [howling]

Uncool. Uncool, Dwight.

[both howl]

- Okay.
- [growls]

Okay, come on. Let's go.

[yips]
[both howl]

And where do you think
you're going?

I was just gonna go down
to the hotel bar

for a little bit.

Well, why don't I just
save you some time

and kick you
in the stomach instead?

I just wanted to get out
of my room for a little while.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

I'll go with you.
Come on.

[groans] Never mind.

- Are you sure? Could be fun.
- Yep.

No. I'm just gonna get
some rest before my big day.

Well, I'm gonna stay
right here

in case you get antsy again.

Oh, good.
both: Okay.

Yes, I was waiting outside
of Pam's room.

Someone needed to chaperone.

And after one look
at her mother and sister,

I knew I had to do the job.

They wear a lot of makeup.