All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S06E03.The.Promotion.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

[knock knock]

Could you please sign
my expense report?

No way, no how.

Expense reports
are a day-to-day item.

That is Jim's now.

I am exclusively
big picture, epic,

"Gone with the Wind."

Never saw it.

Me neither. Chick flick.

I'd like to be
grandfathered in.

What is--what is that?

Well, you used to sign
my expense reports,

so you still would.

That doesn't make any sense

because I would still be doing
exactly what I used to do.

- Michael, just--
- No. No. No.

- Please leave.
- Can you--

You're making my brain smaller.

Oh, that happened
to my uncle.

We had to lock him
in his room for a week

and we starved him
and he went mad.

- We had to bury him--
- I am so sick of that story.

Get out.

- Sign this.
- Ah, ah, ah.

Where's the "please"?
We're not animals.

- Sign it.
- No, not without a "please."

Idiot.

I have a complaint
about Jim.

That is not big picture.

I would like to file
a huge, enormous,

massive complaint

about the tallest guy
in our office.

Okay.

Jim won't sign
my expense report.

That is not--okay--

- That is--
- Day-to-day.

- That is day-to-day.
- No, that his huge.

- You're trying to trick me.
- This has to do--

Get out, get out, get out.

Get out, get out.

I'd like to lodge
a complaint.

I'm sorry to hear
about that.

Who is this about?

- You!
- Okay.

Just want to let you know

I take complaints
very seriously.

So... when did this happen?

- One minute ago.
- Okay.

- And how do you feel?
- Angry.

- All right. Did he hit you?
- No.

- Did you cry?
- No.

- Did you feel like crying?
- No.

I'm just gonna write,
"held back tears."

Wait, stop writing that.
That is not true.

If you stop crying,
I'll stop writing it.

I'm not cr--
uhh!

I deserved that promotion,
not Jim.

Oh, man.

Makes me want to put him
in a triangle choke hold

and force him
down to the ground

and just keep pressing
and pressing.

And then flip him over

and then put him
in a hammer lock.

And he's gasping,
he's panting.

Every last breath.

And the crowd
is going crazy.

And boom!
I emerge victorious!

Aha!

$18,000 and a chance
at the title.

Ooh hah!

Dwight, Jim wants you
to keep it down.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

Everyone, now would be
a good time to freshen up,

because I'd like everyone
to meet in the conference room

in five minutes.

And I suggest
that you bring a snack,

because we may be
in there for a while.

- Michael...
- Yes?

Can I talk to you
in my office for a second?

Mmm, sure, but could I first
talk to you in my office?

Can I also be a boss?

Look, it doesn't take
a genius to know

that any organization thrives
when it has two leaders.

Go ahead, name a country that
doesn't have two presidents.

A boat that sets sail
without two captains.

Where would Catholicism be
without the popes?

I have noticed that we--

Welcome.

Thank you.

I've noticed
we've been having

a lot of conference room meetings.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm wondering
if perhaps

- those are a bit, um--
- Disruptive.

- Yes.
- No, I don't think they are.

I think the meetings
are very important.

Okay, maybe we should
talk specifics.

- Let's do.
- Okay.

Yesterday, we had a meeting
about planets.

N--well, to be fair,

Jim... James...

Jimothy...

to be fair, Jimothy, the--
ah, that sounds weird.

Are you okay
with being called Jim?

- I am.
- All right.

Jim, to be fair,

the conversation wasn't
about planets...

- Right.
- At first.

We were talking about introducing

a line of toilet paper.

And what part
of the human body

does one use
toilet paper upon?

So you draw a line from there
to the other planets,

and I think by the end,
we all learned a little bit

about how small we are.

- Yes, I agree.
- Because it's a big universe,

and we're all just little,
tiny specks of dust.

I just think that maybe

they're eating
large amounts of the day.

You know what eats a large
amount of the day are naps.

You go to sleep,
it's light out,

you wake up, it's dark.
That's the whole day.

Where did that day go?

I have no idea.

You mean on a weekend.

Yes.

Oh, sure, things are great--

for Michael.

And why wouldn't they be?

Absolutely nothing's changed
for him.

He still acts like
he's the only one in charge.

But today, Jim Halpert puts
his foot down.

So that was three days ago,
and it didn't take.

But today, mark my words,

Jim Halpert really,
really puts his foot down.

How about this?
I think our goal should be

we don't have meetings unless
they're absolutely essential.

I was sort of hoping
to get the staff's input

on a five-year plan menu-wise.

That's a great example
of not a great use

of their time or your time.

- Or time.
- All right.

No more meetings this week.

Really?

You just agree to that?

I can be very surprising.

What's going on?

I need to fit
into my wedding dress.

However, I'm also pregnant.

You know, it's a myth
that women have to gain

more than nine pounds
in a pregnancy?

Look at these actresses.
Some of them lose weight.

Hey, did you guys
register for wedding gifts?

We did, but mostly
because people expect us to.

We're also accepting
other gifts

not on the registry...

However much.

It's awkward
asking people for money,

but we could really use it.

Why doesn't Crate & Barrel

let you register
for a toaster full of cash?

Perfect.
I hate registries.

Oh, good.

My cousin makes
the most amazing

romantic birdhouse mailboxes.

I know I shouldn't tell you,

but you'll still be surprised
when you see it.

You're not registered
for a birdhouse, are you?

No, we're not.

Good. Good.

Oh. [slurps]

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Do you mind?

[slurps]

I'll tell you what.

You show me one of those
crossword puzzles that

you've finished
and I'll be quieter.

You guys see this new memo
from Jim?

- No.
- [muffled] What is this?

He wants us to make
20 cold calls a day.

You sure?

In addition to all the calls
we make to our clients?

I hate making cold calls.

It's like trying to sleep
with someone

you've only known for a month--
it's impossible.

Jim needs to remember what
it's like to be a salesman.

And get a new haircut.

Thank you, I've been
saying that for years.

You know what?

Big Tuna is starting
to stink a little.

Mm-hmm.

Nobody wants to be around
somebody that's stinkin'.

Oh, no.

People are starting to notice
how terrible Jim is.

It's great.

Eventually, they'll rise up
and revolt.

My only hope is that they do it
sooner rather than later.

If the people here were
our founding fathers,

the Revolutionary War would
have been delayed ten years

because Stanley Washington
was napping,

and Phyllis Hancock was
still signing the Declaration,

and Kevin Jefferson was
distracted by a butterfly.

- Hey, Jim.
- Hey.

I just wanted to congratulate
you on your promotion.

- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.

And also, I--

I was wondering if you could
forget what I said last week...

about the fact that
I don't really do my job.

Oh, sure.

Is that why you've been
avoiding me?

Oh, no. I wouldn't do that.

It was just that
I was late today

and I took a nap in
the bathroom for a while.

All right.

I think you're gonna want
to stop

telling me those things.

Gotcha.

- [knocks]
- Mm-hmm?

Okay, I thought
I saw people missing.

Yeah, just focus-grouping
a product expansion idea

to these folks.

Got one of each.

Really? Hey, Stanley, what
was the last thing Michael said

before I came through the door?

Stanley, you don't need
to answer that.

Stanley?

"If you don't smell this,
you're fired."

Okay, Michael,
I thought we agreed

to not take up people's time
with meetings like these.

What do you mean
by "these people"?

Michael, this is
a conference room meeting.

Oh, hey, everybody, I think
that Jim has gone insane,

because he thinks that my office
is a conference room.

That's not what I meant.

Listen, Jim, no offense,
but when push comes to shove,

what I want is more important
than what you want.

- I disagree.
- What do you guys think?

[all speaking]

Great. Guys, can I just have
a moment alone with Michael?

No, no, no, you don't need
to go anywhere.

Anything that Jim
has to say to me,

he can say in front
of these types of people.

That is not what I said,

and, also, I am co-manager,

meaning you are
not the only manager anymore.

I am also a co-manager.

That is not
what Wallace told us.

That's exactly
what Wallace told us.

That is not the way
I heard it.

Comparing Jim and Michael

is like comparing
apples and oranges.

I like apples,

and I really, really don't
like oranges.

Oranges are annoying
and hate me.

When you ask Jim a question,
he'll tell you the answer.

When you ask Michael
a question,

he'll do an imitation
of you for five minutes

and then when that
doesn't work,

he'll try to tickle you.

But he also doesn't care
if you come in late,

so I guess I prefer Michael.

Michael is like the fun dad.

Jim is like the serious mom.

And wittle Andy
is stuck in the middle,

and he wuvs them both
vewy much,

but if he had to pick one,

well, goodness gracious,
he would probably pick Jim

because Jim gives Andy
his num-nums on time.

Num-nums are, of course,
my commission checks.

I love rivalries--

Michael or Jim,
Paris or Nicole,

Heidi or L.C.

It's so much fun.

But I guess if
I'm really thinking about it

and answering your question honestly,

I'd have to go with L.C.

Heidi's a bad friend,
and her skin is terrible.

It is one thing, me giving you
the co-manager title.

It is another thing,
you bossing me around.

I'm not bossing you around.
I'm trying to do my job,

which is sharing your job,

so maybe we should just call
David Wallace.

No, no, no. No, we will
not call David Wallace.

I will call David Wallace.

David Wallace is on line two
for you guys.

Or David Wallace
will call us on line two.

- Why don't we just--
- Hey, David.

You got Jim here.

This is Michael,
senior co-manager.

Hey, guys, um, I'm calling
because, unfortunately,

we will not be able
to give out

cost of living raises
this year,

and I know people expect it.

However, there just is
only a small amount of money

for each branch,

so we're leaving it
up to the managers

to decide
how to distribute it.

Got it, Dave.

Sounds like your classic
big-picture decision.

Which will clearly affect
the day-to-day well-being

of our employees.

It's probably
a little of both.

- Which is it more of?
- Excuse me?

David, I know
that I'm very new at this,

but I have a very good
perspective on how things work.

Wait, I'm sorry.
Michael, are you--

are you texting me?

I thought maybe we could talk
after this is over.

Look, I need you both
to take care of this.

This is not going
to be a problem, is it?

- Nope, not at all.
- No, it will not be.

- Nope.
- I am on top of it.

- Very good.
- All right.

- Thanks a lot, David.
- Talk to you later--okay.

You didn't let me say goodbye.

[sighs] All right,
I am looking forward to this.

You don't have to lie.

I hate the fact that
we have to do this together.

I think we work much better separately.

When I am irritated
and I look at you,

I don't see you anymore.

All I can see
is how big and gross

the pores
on your nose are.

All right.

Let's get started.

Hey, why haven't we
ever, um...

We have.

You know, there's no easy way
to do this.

I say we add 1.5%
to their paychecks

and don't say anything
about it.

Do you mean, like break in
in the middle of the night

and change the numbers
on payroll?

No, we can do it
during the day.

It doesn't have to be
that dramatic, Jim.

Okay.

You know what would help is

a pros and cons list
for our options.

Jim, don't take this
the wrong way.

Are you gonna
take this the wrong way?

It's hard to tell so far.

You use your brain
too much.

I'm sorry, are you advocating
that I use it less?

Sometimes the smartest people
don't think at all.

You just came up with that.

- As I was saying it.
- Yeah.

Okay, so
for the 1.5% increase,

pro--everyone
gets a little bit.

Con--you look
like a nerd.

Con--no one gets as much
as they did last year.

Pro--you get to share
your pros and cons list

with the other nerds.

Pro--no favoritism.

Con--you unzip your pants,

and you find that there's
a calculator down there.

I've been studying Michael
for years,

and I've condensed
what I've learned

into this chart--
how Michael spends his time.

As you can see,
we have procrastinating

and distracting others,

and this tiny sliver here
is critical thinking.

I made it bigger,
so that you could see it.

Hey, Pam, I heard
that you were registered,

but I didn't hear where.

I don't think
we registered anywhere.

We just want cash.

Like money?

Like you--
you want my money?

Mm-hmm.

Will you take a check?

Yeah.

Cool.

In the memo line,
I'm gonna write,

"To love's eternal glory."

Okay.

Wait till monday.

Is this what I've become?

Materialistic?

Shallow?

I feel horrible.

Oh, look!
"Mrs. Pam Halpert!"

That's the first time
I've seen it in writing.

You know, the more
I think about it,

the more I think we should
give it to the salesmen.

That will not go over well.

I know. I just think
it seems smart

to keep the salesmen
happy right now.

Course I know that this
might come off as biased,

so you know what? Let us...

Oh, my God, are you gonna
make another pro and con list?

I'm gonna kill myself.

I'm not gonna let you
stop me from thinking.

No,
I could not do that, Jim.

I can see it
in your crusty little eyes

that you are going
to make everything perfect.

If I can just think
this through,

if I could just think it
exactly right,

I can make this perfect,

and then I can go down
every avenue,

and every avenue
off of that avenue,

and then another avenue.

- Michael.
- And then another--

Look, you have a lot
of strengths.

Oh, I do?
Tell me what they are.

I think that you are able

to take constructive criticism
very well.

Ha! That--
I am not known for that.

But there is
a reason why I'm here.

Yes, you went over my head
to Wallace.

No, it's because you also have
a lot of weaknesses, Michael.

Okay. Well, why don't you
tell me what those are, Jim?

Why don't you enliven me?

I don't think you're good
at making tough decisions.

- Ah.
- At thinking out the options,

and then stating that decision
very clearly,

especially when it's
an unpopular decision.

Okay, here's
a tough decision for you.

You suck. You suck.
Is that clear enough for you?

But maybe I'm here
for a reason,

because I might have
some good ideas too.

I've been sitting out there,
and I've been learning a lot,

and maybe
I can just bring something

different to the table.

Okay, skippy, here we go.

Why don't you run yourself
out there and tell them?

[laughs] You call it.

This had better be terrible.

Could I have everyone's
attention, please?

I have some tough news,

so I'm just gonna
give it to you straight.

Truth is, we only have
so much money

for raises this year,
so the simple fact is

some people will get raises
and some people won't.

Now, what we've decided is,

we are gonna give those raises
to the sales staff.

Wait. Seriously?

Look, you guys are smart,
so I'm just leveling with you.

I'm just trying to treat you
like adults.

Thank you, Jim, for thinking
that we're smart people.

But I do not understand.

If we're such smart adults,
then why don't we get raises?

Excellent question, genius.

It's because Jim wants to give
the raises to his friends

and the people
he sleeps with.

Ooh, easy.
That's not it at all.

Really what it is,
is about the money

the sales staff brings
into the office.

What's going on?

Jim is only giving raises
to the salesmen.

What the hell?
Why are you being such a jerk?

Hold on, Kelly.

Would it help you to know
that Jim thinks you're smart?

No. How is that
gonna repair Ryan's car?

This is ridiculous!
How could he do this to us?

Okay, Dwight, you know what?
You'd be getting the raise so--

What about
all these people, huh?

How is it fair to them?

- Exactly.
- Totally.

We work just as hard
as the salespeople.

- We deserve raises.
- Yes.

Yes. They don't get 'em
if we don't get 'em.

My kid needs shoes!

You want to tell him
he doesn't get shoes?

- Yeah.
- Her kid needs shoes, Jim!

What the hell?

all: [complaining]

Wow. I'm just gonna rewind
and back off a bit,

so...

[imitating tape rewinding]

[laughs]

[laughing]
That was good.

That was good.
Okay, all right.

Well, we all know
it's hard to be a boss, right?

You know what?
Look around you.

These are your best friends.

These are the people who will
open their hearts to you.

They all have heart-ons
for you,

and that is a gift.

So in terms of gifts,

we should be giving
each other gifts.

Angela, yes, lend Oscar
a cup of sugar.

Phyllis, read to Kevin.

Andy, tuck Stanley's daughter
in bed.

What are you talking about?
Michael!

We just need to hear
your plan for our raise.

My plan--

a man--Panama.

That's not how that goes.

You're not saying anything.

At least Jim
was being direct.

Thank you, Meredith.

When he was telling us
his dumbass plan.

We would just like to know
what's happening.

Are we getting a raise,
yes or no?

All right,
let me get this clear.

Does everybody want a raise?

all: Yes!

All right, everyone
wants a raise,

so what we're going to do
is go into here,

and we will not come out
until we do.

Again, that gives us
no information.

This isn't a game, you know.
It's our livelihood!

Not to state the obvious,

but the only reason
I failed out there was

because you brought
the crowd down.

Okay, you know what?
I'm not gonna engage.

They were primed not
to like me

after you imploded
all over them.

Are you kidding me?

You failed because you do
what you always do--

you didn't give a clear answer.

- I'm going in reverse.
- Oh, really?

Close your eyes.
Open your eyes.

Lollipops and rainbows.

Magic words.
You're already there.

That'll erase everything
that I said before.

Do you know you said
"heart-on?"

What about a raise
based on merit?

- Rank each person individually.
- Mm-hmm.

Piece of cake.

Ryan, obviously the best.

Well, obviously.

Too bad he's a temp
and doesn't count,

so let's get started.

- Are you making a--
- Nope.

I'm numbering the paper.

What about Pam?

What about her?

She's the newest salesman.
She has the fewest sales.

She's at the bottom.

She is, Jim.

She's at the bottom
of the list.

I think there are people here
who take work

a little less seriously.

Who are you referring to?

Kevin.

Pam is still lower
than Kevin right now.

Kevin sleeps on the toilet.

Still higher than Pam.

Oh, I better get that raise.

Because once your cats
have kittens,

all of your priorities change.

I need that raise,

unless you know
a hot tub repair man

who will work
for empty red wine bottles.

- Just--
- Yeah, I don't understand

how they can even consider

giving money to some people
and not the rest of us.

It's not like we're
not gonna see the checks.

We're in accounting.

I am so pissed
at this company.

- And Jim.
- Yeah.

Who said that?

I think it was Creed.

Yep.

It's going really well, actually.

Each Boston Baked Bean
represents half a percent raise,

we each got 24 beans,
so the idea is,

you place the bean
on the picture

of who you think deserv--
who's that?

- Toby.
- Okay.

He's not a part of this.
You know that.

Just wanted to draw
a picture of him.

Okay, your move.

All right, who to pick?

Who to pick?

Here we go.

I...will skip a turn.

Okay, you're gonna still have
to play that bean.

- You know that.
- I need more time.

[knock at door]

Wallace sent an email
about a meeting next week.

He wants
you both to respond.

Oh.

This is worse than I ever
possibly could have imagined.

And I have imagined
some terrible things.

Horrible, awful things.

Things men do to each other
in the heart of battle

that the English language
doesn't even have words for.

Oh.

German captures them nicely,
but--

[knocks at door]

Heard you guys are looking
for cash for the wedding?

Yeah, I mean,
if it's all the same for you.

Question for you.

Would you guys rather have
$100 now

or $5,000 a year from now?

$100 now for sure.

Because you just give me
$50 to cover the broker fee,

I put in 100 of my own money
as the gift...

Yeah. No, no, I'll, um--
the hundred.

I'll just take the hundred.

Instead of $5,000
a year from now?

How sure is this?

The guy has an algorithm
to determine the winner

of any given
college basketball game.

Don't tell Jim.

Come on in.

That's right.
Come in, feast your eyes.

They determine our worth

by putting beans
upon our faces.

What the hell?

Things were not this bad
when just Michael was manager.

Hey, what are you guys
doing in here?

What does a bean mean?

Why aren't there any beans

on this very old,
frizzy-haired picture of me?

Michael,
what does a bean mean?

Jim?

I was just trying
to be unbiased.

What does a bean mean?

Someone please explain it
to Kevin.

Why can't you? My time
is just as valuable as yours.

Not according to the beans.

Wait, who drew my body?

This is how you make
this important decision?

There's no way that Stanley
gets more beans than me.

That is ridiculous.

all: [complaining]

This is how it works.

It's not so much
that I might not get a raise.

It's just demeaning.

Thank you.
That is exactly--

by the way,
I would also like a raise.

Yeah, I would, too.

Are we idiots?

I ask you all,

are we idiots?

What are you doing?

An idiot is someone
who feels angry and frustrated

but instead of doing anything
about their problem,

they just bang their head
into a wall

again and again and again

and again and again

and again and again and again
and again.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

What right does Jim have
to claim authority, hmm?

Think about it.

Is he as good
a salesman as I?

Is he as smart as Oscar?

Is he as matronly
as Phyllis?

Some rule by imposing their
rule through their heft.

Is he heftier than--

We get it.

There are moments
where we can affect change.

For a few seconds every decade,
we exist,

and these are those seconds.

Let us storm his castle.

Come on.

Tick--let's get him.

Tock--let's get Jim!

Tick--and drag Jim
out of his office.

Tock--take his keys
away from him.

Tick--that's a clock.

The time is getting very close.

It's now or never.

What say you?

I say no.

No, I mean, what do you
say to my plan?

all: [groaning]

Okay.

all: [complaining]

What does a bean mean?

[sighs]

How you doing?

Uh, on a scale
of one to ten,

I'd say I'm about a four.

Oh, what are you usually?

Six. You?

Usually a ten,
but I'm feeling like a zero.

I mean,
a performance-based raise

sounded like a good idea, right?

I know, I know.

We tried to find
the fairest way to do it.

Yes, we did.

I just--

what?

Um, nothing. I just...

I used to have
to do this part alone,

and it was the worst.

I have something
I would like to give you.

Michael, come on!

- Michael.
- This is impor--

Michael's my only friend
left in the office.

Except Pam...

I think.

Is she still upset?

Michael!

Michael, you cannot
just keep avoiding us like this!

[laughing]

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

What's in here?

Gin.

Ooh.

[knock at door]

[louder knocking]

[whispering]
Just pretend we're not here.

[whispering] Okay.

You got your stuff?

[sighs] Okay.

[sighs]

So it appears
I acted too soon.

I'm not worried.

I'll get Jim yet.

All I need is a plan,

a devious plan.

No.

A diabolical plan. [chuckles]