All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S02E17.Dwights.Speech.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Let's think this through.

If we ask corporate
for that, then...

They are either
gonna say...

yes or no.

(Michael)
Could go either way.

We don't know
what they are going to say.

Think it through!

You have to think it through.

Because if they say no...

Can we not?

No--yes, we have to.
You know why?

'Cause I don't like to be
cooped up in that office.

In that box
all day long.

Heisman!

Because I need to think.
Okay, Jim?

I need to get out here,

I need to zap around
and make connections.

Ooh, ah, ooh!

You know why?

Because that is how I think, man.

Do you even know how
to throw a spiral?

You said you did
and that is so not a spiral.

Oh, Kevin!
Ooh!

[Michael laughing]

Ugh!
Nice catch.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Oscar!

Intercepted.

Right here.
Give it to me.

Phyllis, give me the ball.

Okay, give me the ball.

You guys...

Creed, give me the ball
right now.

Give it to me. Ryan.

[Dwight screams]

Aaaaah!
Fumble!

Yeah!

[growling]

(Michael)
All right, hey, Dwight!

[Dwight cackles]

Whoo!

Hut, hut, hut, hike!

(Michael)
You all right, Ryan? Ryan.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Pam!

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

My future is so bright, Jim.

(Dwight)
Jim, do you know how bright my future is?

It's so bright that...

what?

Do you know?

Is there something
I gotta wear? Huh?

Goggles?

[imitating rock music]

Dwight was the top salesman
of the year at our company.

He wins a little prize money

and gets honored
at some convention.

It is literally the highest
possible honor

that a Northeastern
Pennsylvania-based

mid-size paper company regional
salesman can attain, so...

he's got the right to brag.

Oh, they're having
a sale on TiVo.

Maybe I should get a TiVo.

Ooh, DVD burner.

Maybe I should
get one of those.

[sighs]

You are so lucky, Jim.

You are so lucky
you don't have this problem.

What was the ninth place
prize again?

A loaf of bread?

Cugino's pizza.

Oh, great.

Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm.

Question.
Do their pizzas play DVDs?

What did I do
to deserve this?

(Pam)
Are you sad that Dwight beat you?

No.

Are you gonna cry, Jim?

Do you need a tissue?

Hey, I heard you got
a wedding dress.

Do you have pictures?

(Pam)
Oh, yeah.

I'll show 'em to you later. Oh.

Oh, I should get back.
[chuckles]

Talk to you guys later.

Okay, cool.

I have a ton of stuff
to do for the wedding.

And I have to do it
in the office.

And that can be
kind of awkward.

Uh, just because
people can get all weird

about wedding stuff
and I just--

I don't want to offend...

Angela.
Or someone.

That's what she said.

Ha!

I don't get it.

Grapes, seductive.

So you ready for the
big speech this afternoon?

Well, it's not really
a big speech.

You're still coming, right?

Oh, abso-fruit-ly.

Fruit, grapes.
Nailed the joke.

Matter of time.

Uh, and yes,
it is a big speech.

Biggest of your life.

Speaker
at the sales convention.

Been there, done that.

Went there again,
did it again.

Two years in a row.

Consecutive.

I just--I miss the feeling

of knowing that
you did a good job

because somebody gives you
proof of it.

"Sir, you're awesome.
Here's a plaque.

"What, a whole year
has gone by

"and you need more proof?

Here's a certificate."

They stopped making plaques
that year.

I thought I could just go
and collect my certificate

and shake the man's hand
and say thank you.

They'll be expecting some words.

First year,
I spoke for nine minutes.

Second year, 11 minutes.

But you know, it doesn't matter
how long you speak.

What matters is that
you make it perfect.

So make it perfect.

(Dwight)
There was a time

where I could've won a trip
to Niagara Falls.

And I think you know
what's there.

But in order to claim
that prize,

I would've had
to shout out

in a room of over 200 people.

I panicked, I froze,
and I paid the price.

Sometimes, the hardest word
in the world to say is "bingo."

What if I give a really long
extended thank you?

For instance,
"Thank you, Mr. Blank.

"Thank you very, very--

That would look terrible.

These are mostly salesmen,

and salesmen expect
to be entertained.

And you are the main act.

When I was
in the sixth grade,

I was a finalist
in our school spelling bee.

It was me against Raj Patel.

And I misspelled,
in front of the entire school,

the word "failure."

I can't do this.

That's because you're incapable
of doing it.

Because you don't know how.

Because you have no skills.

Dwight goes to Michael
for pep talks.

To Michael.

Dwight, there's no way
I can possible teach you

what you need to know about
public speaking by speech time.

Okay.

But I can teach you enough

so that you don't embarrass me
or the company.

Okay, deal.

I'll do whatever you say.
No questions asked.

Well, if you have a question,
you should ask me.

I'll try and think of one.

Don't try to think
of a question to humor me.

Just try not to be
such an idiot.

Is that an insult

or is that part
of the public speaking advice?

Insult.

I'm very confident,
but I don't want the spotlight.

Michael should get
the spotlight.

I should be the guy
in the booth

shining down the spotlight.

[takes deep breath]

(Pam)
Mom, I'm sorry.

I know you and Dad are
chipping in for the wedding,

but I do not want
orange invitations.

Yes.

Well, if you really want...

Hi, yeah, can I talk to one
of your travel agents?

I'm gonna take a trip.

I'm gonna get out of town
for a while

and go someplace...

not here.
[chuckles]

Where do I wanna go?

Um, that is
an excellent question.

And one I probably
should have thought about

before I called you.

(Oscar)
I get here early every morning

so I can set
the thermostat.

I like it a little cooler,
around 66 degrees.

I'm more productive.

Maybe some people don't like
it as cold as I do.

But I don't care.

And what a lot of people don't
understand about... sales

is that it has so much to do
with organization.

I have a system in place
for keeping track

of who I speak to,
when I speak to them,

and what we have discussed.

Et cetera.

That's it?

You're going to end
with et cetera?

Okay, what's this big
organizational system that--

Well, do you think I should
describe our filing system?

No, that would be suicide.
Never--never talk specifics.

Not in a speech.

But the fact that you have
no idea what to say,

is, believe it or not,
the least of our worries.

(Dwight)
It is? It's your delivery.

What is?
Our biggest worry.

I don't follow.

My God, Dwight. Best way
to learn is by watching.

That's why porn is a
multi-trillion dollar industry.

Let's--okay.
Sit down, let me wow you.

[clears throat]

[screams]
Oh, God!

See?

I have your attention now,
don't I?

You're scared, but now you're
ready to learn.

Oh, no. You do not want
to go to India.

It's smelly and it's horrible

and you can't even walk around
by yourself

without getting killed
or worse.

That's what my dad says.

(Jim)
Oh, okay.

Pam!
Oh, my God!

Can we please start sending out

the save the date
announcements?

'Cause your wedding's
on June 10th

and that's right
around the corner

and I know this is weird,

but I really need to know
if I should save the date.

Um--
'Cause if I had an announcement,

then I could start saving up
for a fancy dress.

But otherwise, I'll just get
a pair of shoes.

No, boots.
[coin clinks in vending machine]

But seriously,
what's the difference

between a salesman
and a saleswoman?

Saleswoman has a vagina.

It's a joke, Dwight.
It's not a sex ed class.

But I'm right.

Yeah, you're right about
the difference

between a man and a woman

but not about the punchline
to the joke, all right?

The difference between
a salesman and a saleswoman is

boobs.

Hey, do you remember
the speeches that you gave?

I do, both of them.

Could I have a copy
of one of them?

No, no, they would remember.

Look, it doesn't matter
what you say,

it just matters
that you're saying something

that people care about.

Yeah?

All right, here we go.
Watch this.

Attention everybody!
Attention please.

I have some very great news
from corporate.

We had a wonderful quarter,
and as a result,

all of you are getting bonuses
for $1,000.

Yeah!

(Michael)
Congratulations.

[applause and excited chatter]

You see that?

You see how
they responded to me?

In that moment,
I had them.

That is so great
about the bonus!

No, no, it's not true.

I was just talking.

So just go out there
and say anything.

They'll eat it up.
They're a great audience.

Go ahead, get the wallpaper.

Wallpaper the ceiling
if you want.

(Dwight)
Excuse me.

May I have
your attention please?

There had been an accident
on 84 West.

Cars have skidded
off the road

into the safety railing.

Several cars have flipped.

There is broken glass everywhere.

Several people are injured.

Do we know anyone
who was in the accident?

Brad Pitt.

Also, there will be
no bonuses.

Why would this affect
our bonuses?

They're unrelated.

Is Brad okay?

He will never act again.

Also, this branch is closing.

What the hell
is going on here?

Are we out of jobs?

Yes.

This is karma because of what
he did to Jennifer Anniston.

He was kidding.
Dwight was kidding.

And I don't know why
because it wasn't funny

and it was just horrible.

Michael?
Yeah?

You said we were
getting bonuses.

That was just a funny joke, remember?

You applauded.

So nobody's hurt?

I don't know about that.

People are injured in car
accidents every 4.5 seconds.

Shut

it.
Come on.

Teri, cancel the wallpaper.

[Michael sighs]

Well, that didn't go well.

No, it did not
and that is because

at no time did you employ
the use of humor.

We'll find you a joke
that not even you can ruin.

[laughs]

All right. Listen up, please.
Dwight has a joke.

[softly]
Stop it.

Two sailors walk into a bar.

Please don't tell
a sailor joke.

Oh, why not?

Her nephew's in Iraq.

Iraq is sand.
Sailors are on water.

Yes, but they're both
in danger.

Yeah, well, you know what?
We need to--

all right, everybody
in the conference room now.

Let's go.
Let's do it.

As your leader
and your friend,

I sort of demand
that you can all

speak in public
as I can.

And did. Twice.

You saw the plaque, right?

(Michael)
All right, we're all gonna go around the room

and we're going
to make toasts.

And that way,
we will overcome our fear

of public speaking.

You mean Toastmasters?

Pam, I'm public speaking.

Stop public interrupting me.
Okay?

Who's gonna start?
How about Phyllis?

You kick us off and
then we'll move around.

Go ahead.

What are we supposed
to talk about?

Anything your heart desires.

Um, I would like to toast

to the good fortune
I've been having lately.

Louder!

[slightly louder]
I met a man and I'm totally in love.

And that's a chapter of my life
that I thought I'd closed.

Uh, I was terribly depressed
for the longest time

and, um, I have to admit,
I had some very dark thoughts.

Good, good, good, good.
That's good.

Now see,
that's not so hard, right?

All right, who's next?
Who are we going to go--ah!

Ryan.
Ryan's next.

Why am I next?
I thought we'd go in order.

Don't be shy, shy boy.

Don't be shy.
Get up there.

Well, a lot of you know
that I'm in business school

and while I'm learning
a lot here,

a lot,

hopefully soon,
I'll land a challenging,

full-time or part-time position
somewhere else.

[cheers and applause]

Stop, stop, stop, stop!
That's--you know what?

The toasts are really not
supposed to be about anything.

And certainly not supposed
to be about going anywhere

or doing anything else. So.

Ryan is a temp and that means
that he could go at any time.

Am I worried about that?

Try scared to death.

Who's next?
Pammy.

Oh.
That's okay.

Actually, this would be
good practice

for your wedding toast.

Yeah, the bride doesn't
really do--

Have you ever been
to a wedding?

(Jim)
Can I go?

Yes, good.
Jim taking the initiative.

So, uh,
I am going on a trip.

But I'm not really sure
where I'm going yet.

It's kinda open-ended.

So I was hoping maybe you guys
would have some suggestions.

It's not off to a good start,
but we'll see where this goes.

I really like Florida.
(Jim) Oh, really?

Like Miami or?
More of the Orlando area.

I've been to Epcot
a dozen times.

It's like a trip
around the world.

Oh, well, I was actually
thinking of taking a trip

around the actual world.

Then you should look into
the Disney cruise. Okay.

You should go
to Hedonism.

What is that?

It's like Club Med,
but everything is naked.

I was thinking
more like Europe.

Or something like that,
but good second choice.

Been to Amsterdam.

Oh, okay, you know what?

That's not a toast.
You're not standing up.

To Amsterdam.

When did you go there?

Um, after my divorce.

(Jim)
Really? For like how long?

About a week or...

Maybe a month.
I don't--

Jimmy, listen to me.

You do not want to go
to Amsterdam, trust me.

Where do I wanna go?

I'd send you to Hong Kong.

I know some fun places.
You could hang there.

And I might still have
some friends.

Really?
Really, Creed?

I was a action movie star
in China in the '80s

after my band broke up.

And, um, I played a lot
of police captains.

[chuckles]

Sometimes a cowboy.
I'm, uh...

kind of a movie star there.

I'd like to say hi
to my friends in China.

[speaking Chinese]

(Michael)
You know what?

Maybe we should move on
to somebody else.

Okay.
Do you have a suggestion?

Actually, yes. I do.
I have a fantastic suggestion.

(Jim)
All right.

Three words.
(Jim) Okay.

Vegas, baby, Vegas!
Yes.

Also San Antonio is nice.
River Walk. [clicks tongue]

Ooh, River Walk?
Like Michael Flatley?

N-no, that's "River Jazz."

Okay, everybody sit down, please.

Riverdance.

Okay. Dwight.
[claps once]

Show us what you have
learned today.

Good morning, Vietnam!

[all groan]

Okay.
My wife is very neat.

Every wrinkle is
in its right place.

A good salesman can convince
his wife

that polyester
is the generic name for mink.

[chuckles]
Packer.

Okay, you know what?
This isn't working.

Because, um, I'm not nervous
in front of them.

They're my subordinates.

No, we're not.

Uh, yes, you are.

I am the
assistant regional manager.

Which means
absolutely nothing.

Michael, can you explain?

Well, it's mostly made up. So.

(Michael)
Dwight is not going to do a good job. It's sad.

And they're
expecting excellence

because I did do
such a great job.

Two years in a row, I killed.
It was amazing.

Confidence, Dwight!

To give you an idea
how well I did,

how much they laughed,
they started laughing...

[snaps]
Now.

[slurps]

And that was just my opener.

Dwight, if you could travel
anywhere in the world,

where would you go?

I can travel anywhere,
except Cuba.

And I will travel
to New Zealand

and walk the
Lord of the Rings trail

to Mordor.

And then I will
hike Mt. Doom.

So now just leave me alone.

Okay, just trying to
get some advice on my trip.

Oh, please,
you're not taking any trip.

You know, I majored
in public speaking in college?

You did?
Mm-hmm.

And the first thing
that they teach you

is that you've gotta be true
to yourself.

And you are all about authority.

Yes, I am.

The great speakers
throughout history

were not joke-tellers,
they were people of passion.

So, if you wanna
do well today,

you gotta do
what they did.

Which is?

You've gotta wave
your arms,

and you've gotta
pound your fists.

Many times.
[pounds fists]

So as to emphasize
your point.

Okay, I didn't actually major
in public speaking.

But I did download speeches

from some of history's
famous dictators.

Like this one.

Originally given
by Benito Mussolini.

And this one here was
by his good friend,

Jumpin' Joe Stalin.

And just to change things up...

here's a little Idi Amin.

Okay, look, I know
you're giving this speech

on your own, but I wrote up
a few talking points

for you to take a look at.

Hope you don't mind.

I'll glance at it.

(Creed)
I like it hot.

Really, really hot.

[door opens]

(Ryan)
I got the stamps.

The ones that say "love"
on them?

The ones that say 39¢.

Oh.
Doesn't matter.

I didn't think it did.

As soon as they leave,
we'll get Kelly and start.

Kelly's helping?
Is that okay?

Yeah, sure.

I don't know what's wrong.

I keep having these hot
and cold flashes.

Uh-oh.

It's time, Dwight.
The Grim Reaper is here.

The very best of luck to you, Dwight.

Thank you, Angela.

[takes deep breath]

Ghosts. Lotta ghosts
in this old Radisson.

There it is.
Rosebud room.

Memories.

Wow.
This turnout is pathetic.

I packed the house, you know?

Oh, I don't think this is it.

Numismatic--
Numismatic Collectors.

Nope.
Wrong room.

Okay.

They got sports
medicine seminar. Nope.

Science fiction convention. Nope.

Oh, yeah. I read about that.

The entire cast
of Battlestar Galactica

is gonna be here
including Starbuck.

I'm so in love with her.

You're weird.

No, no, no.

It's totally normal 'cause
she's not a Cylon or anything.

She's just a great
human fighter pilot.

And if I see her,
my heart will explode.

Are you a 12-year-old girl?

I didn't know--there we go.

Why'd you pick the VA
for the reception?

Roy has a connection.

It's nicer than you think.

You're inviting Jim?

Of course, he's one
of my closest friends.

Okay, so I mulled it over

and I'm not really into India
or Amsterdam.

Or that Morocco package.

Good, right?
So we're narrowing it down.

Okay, let's talk about
East Asia.

Oh, and South America.

No, I'm not trying
to waste your time, Carol.

You know what?

Can you tell me about the India
thing one more time?

Nothing's really jumping out
at me.

So--I mean, the good news is

now I know I want
to take a trip.

So I'll just keep my eyes out
for the next few weeks

and get a great deal.

(Michael)
All right. Ready?

[exhales heavily]

Here we go!

[exhales heavily]

[indistinct chatter]

Wow, it's a little bit bigger
than I remember.

Come on, we're down here
in the front.

[techno music buildup]

♪ ♪

♪ Y'all ready for this ♪

[2 Unlimited's
"Get Ready For This"]

[coughs]

[Angela sniffles]

I am just feeling
under the weather.

And I think that I will
go home and rest.

I've never, ever seen you
take a sick day.

Well, I've seen you take enough
for the both of us.

Next, I'd like to introduce
the Dunder Mifflin

salesman of the year,
Dwight Schrute!

[applause]

Dwight, they called your name.

(emcee)
Dwight, how we doing?

[mumbling]
No, I can't do it.

Okay, you know what?

You know what? Okay.
[hyperventilating]

No--no problem.

You are lucky
you have me here.

I am going
to cover for you.

[claps]
All right!

[applause]

[whistling]

Good morning, Vietnam!

I am not Dwight Schrute.

Not at all.

I am Michael Scott,
his mentor and boss.

Some of you, I'm sure, know me.

I have been honored by this
illustrious group twice

and I think I
am the first person

that was honored by this group
two years in a row.

Does anybody know differently?
Or?

No?

Well, until Dwight comes up,

if he ever does,

I wanted to say
a few words about excellence.

What makes a work environment
excellent?

Well, there are many things,
I believe,

that do such a thing
of that... nature.

And one would be humor.

What is the difference
between a salesman

and a saleswoman?

[vent starts whooshing]

I always set it at 69.

[chuckles]

I'm right by the air vent.
I get a lot of dust in my eyes.

Maybe we'll use a DJ.

That's the one thing Roy's
in charge of for this wedding,

but all he's managed to do
is set a date.

Well, he did a great job.
June 10th is perfect.

I want a June wedding.
I've always wanted one.

Ryan, do you know when
you would want to get married?

Actually, I don't see
ever getting married.

Oh.

Ryan, you should be
more sensitive.

It's obvious she likes you,
and comments like that, they--

I know what I said.

I'm very sorry,
I did not know

that you were wearing
a hearing aid

and I just thought
you were speaking...

abnormally.

And now, the Black guy from
the Police Academy movies.

A robot.

[making robot sounds]

Michael Winslow.
Anyone?

A car starting.
[makes car starting sound]

And now, some race car.

[imitating race car]

Well, isn't that--
well, isn't that special?

Jell-O pudding.

[microphone thumps]
Is this on? Hello.

[baby crying]

Could you shut him up, please?

I mean, who brings a baby
to a sales conference?

Rude.

All right,
Dwight Schrute, everyone.

[applause]

Good luck.
That is a tough crowd.

[applause]

[breathing heavily
into microphone]

[Dwight sniffles loudly]

[Dwight clearing throat]

Blood alone moves the wheels
of history!

Have you ever
asked yourselves

in an hour of meditation,

which everyone finds
during the day,

how long we have been striving
for greatness?

Not only the years we've been
at war,

the war of work,

but from the moment,
as a child,

when we realized that the world
could be conquered,

it has been
a lifetime struggle.

A never-ending fight.

I say to you,
and you will understand,

that it is a privilege
to fight!

[scattered applause]

We are warriors!

[applause]

[whistling and applause]

(Dwight)
Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania,

I ask you, once more,
rise and be worthy

of this historical hour!

[cheers and applause]

[Dwight laughing]

(Dwight)
Yeah, yeah!

I got a time share
on Key West

that might be available.

Maybe?
Thanks.

You really think
you're gonna go?

Yeah, I'm definitely going.

Nice.
Send me a postcard.

(Ryan)
Jim has worked at the same place for five years.

Jim eats the same ham
and cheese sandwich

every day for lunch.

I don't know,
if I were a betting man,

I'd say he will have
a fun weekend

in Philadelphia.

[exhales deeply]

No revolution is worth anything
unless it can defend itself!

[applause]

(Dwight)
Some people will tell you "salesman" is a bad word.

They'll conjure up images
of used car dealers

and door-to-door charlatans.

This is our duty
to change their perception.

I say, salesmen...

and women of the world, unite!

We must never acquiesce,
for it is together...

together that we prevail!

We must never cede control
of the motherland,

for it is?

[all]
Together that we prevail!

[wild cheers and applause]

Australia?

I have always wanted
to go there.

I'm going.

I'm a little nervous
to run into Dwight

on his connecting flight
to Mordor,

but other than that...

Yeah, I bought the ticket.
Non-refundable.

That's awesome.
Where are you staying?

I don't know.

I feel like I have
plenty of time

to figure out the details, but...

When are you leaving?

I'm leaving on June 8th.

Oh.

(Jim)
Yeah.

And I'm really sorry
about that. I just--

Oh, yeah,
that's too bad.

Yeah.

Do want me to take these
on my way out?

It's okay, I got it.

All right.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, thanks.

There you are.
What happened?

I got thirsty.
How'd it go?

It was amazing. I wish
you would have been there.

You would not believe
what happened here.

What, did something happen?

Oh, this woman came in.
Sat down.

Ordered a drink.

The bartender
asked for her ID,

which I thought was odd.

Because I pegged her at,
like, 35.

Weird.
Yeah, really weird.

So she's like,
"I don't have my ID.

Please give me one."
Uh-huh?

And he's like,
"I can't do that."

I can't serve you.

Con artist.
She might have been.

So she says
"Fine, I will go to my room.

"I will get my purse.
I will come back.

I'll show you my ID."

She hasn't come back yet.

She's probably in the room
drinking from the minibar.

[laughing]
(Michael) Right?

(Michael)
Dwight gave a great speech.

That's the word
on the street, anyway.

And I entertained Dwight
to no end with my bar story.

So I captivated the guy
who captivated 1,000 guys.

Can you believe that?
1,000 guys.