All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S02E13.The.Secret.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Nothing much.
What's up with you?

I cannot believe
I feel for that.

[laughs]
Gosh.

Ha ha.
What?

What?
Where's the funny?

Give it to me.

Um, is it me, or does it
smell like updog in here?

What's updog?

Nothing much.
What's up with you?

Oh, wow.

[laughs]
I walked right into that.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Hey, Stanley.
Is that jacket made of updog?

I'm on the phone.

[indistinct chatter]

Mm!

What flavor coffee
is that, updog?

What's that?

I don't know. Nothing.

What's up with you?

- Huh?
- No.

Damn it.

What does that mean?

- What does what mean?
- That thing you just said.

Just forget it.

Dwight.

Hey, is it me,

or does this place
smell like updog?

- What's updog?
- Gotcha!

[laughs]
Oh, God!

Crap.

Nothing.
How are you doing?

Good.
How are you doing?

Mm, I can't.

[sighs]
Damn it.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[whistling melody]

Really, just the two?
You think that'll be enough?

No, I don't.

[whistling melody]

Smart.

[whistling melody]
Spring cleaning!

[whistling melody]

- Sad.
- What?

- Smart.
- Yeah.

Today is spring cleaning day
here at Dunder Mifflin,

and, yes, I know it's January.
I am not an idiot.

But if you do
your spring cleaning

in January, guess what
you don't have to do

in the spring.

Anything.

They say a cluttered desk
means a cluttered mind.

Well, I say
an empty desk means an--

- Empty mind.
- No.

That's not--no.

That's not
what I was gonna say.

Look at 'em all out there.

My little worker bees
buzzing away.

If they're the worker bees,
you're the queen bee.

No, I am the king bee.

- Queen's higher.
- No, king is higher.

Then ace.

I am the ace bee.

Meredith, men's room.

Make sure you replace
the urinal cakes.

They're worn down.

Kevin, file drawers.

Angela, kitchen.

Oscar, dusting.
Where is Oscar?

He's out sick.

That is unacceptable.

I agree.
It's unacceptable.

What are you guys doing?

"People" magazine
crossword puzzle,

keep or toss?

Keep.
I will finish that later.

It's from '99.

Yeah, I know
when it's from, Ryan.

18 across--
Mary-Kate and Ashley blank.

Michael wrote, "Judd?"

- Michael.
- Yes.

[whispers]
Oscar is out sick.

On a Friday?

Sick on a Friday.
Starting the weekend early.

Homey, don't play that.

Man, this is a huge problem
in offices everywhere.

I looked this up,
and it turns out

that two
out of every five sick days

are taken on a Friday
or a Monday.

Think about that.

[dialing]

[line trilling]

- Can I do some of the talking?
- I will do the talking.

Okay, let him know
that I'm here though.

Hello?

What difference does it make
whether you're here?

Hello?

Hi, Oscar.
It's Michael.

And Dwight.

Yeah, um, heard you
were under the weather.

Yeah, I think
I came down with the flu.

Really?
Oh, that is a shame.

You know,
it's cleaning day here today.

Could've used some of that
famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.

Yeah, I feel terrible
about it.

Ask him his symptoms.
I'm on WebMD.

What are your symptoms?

- I have the chills...
- Mm-hmm.

I'm feeling nauseous,
and my head's killing.

[sighs]
Checks out.

Michael, is there anything
you need from me?

I'd like to go back to bed.

I need you to go to bed.
I need you to get better.

See you Monday
unless you're still sick.

So have a great long weekend.

I'll just be sleep--

- Okay, first impressions.
- He sounded sick.

Which is exactly
how you'd want to sound

if you wanted someone
to think you were sick.

That's exactly
what I was thinking.

Question, may I investigate?

Yeah, drop what you're doing.

Make this a priority
because an office

can't function efficiently
unless people

are at their desks
doing their jobs.

- I bought my veil.
- Oh, my God.

That is so exciting.
Can I be a bridesmaid?

Um...

Listen,
you don't have to answer now,

but how are you
gonna do your hair?

Okay, I was thinking
about wearing it down

kind of, like, I don't know.
Like, loose with big curls.

You look like an angel.
I'm seriously gonna cry.

Wowie.
Mikey likey.

Why don't you wear your hair
like that all the time?

It's much sexier.

[sighs]

Man, this must be
torture for you.

Yeah, on the booze cruise,

I told Michael
about some feelings

I used to have for Pam.

I had just broken up
with Katie

and had a couple of drinks,

and I confided
in the world's worst confidant.

- Hey, Mike.
- Hey, Jim bag.

Remember that thing
I told you

on the booze cruise about Pam?

That was personal,

so if we could just keep
that between you and me,

- that would be great.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Who else knows?

- Nobody.
- Wow.

Jim and I are great friends.

We hang out a ton--
mostly at work.

But the fact that he told me
his secret and no one else

says everything
about our friendship,

and it is why I intend
on keeping that secret

for as long as I possibly can.

My lips are sealed.
♪ My lips are sealed ♪

- Bangles.
- All right, great.

Thank you.

* Can you hear me? ♪

♪ They talk about us ♪

♪ Telling lies ♪

Listen, temp, I am conducting
a little investigation,

so I am no longer gonna be able
to head up spring cleaning.

Do you think you
can handle it?

Yeah, I think
I can handle it.

Do you think or do you know?

I think.

Oh, God. Here.

Don't be fooled
by the phrase "dust bunnies."

They are
vicious, little bitches,

and if they get inside
your disc drive, God help you.

They will bring your computer
to its knees.

They sit in corners

hatching,
defecating, laying eggs,

and their sole purpose in life
is to eat dead skin,

which humans in this office
shed by the boatload.

Especially Creed.

- Hey, what you getting?
- I'm going with grape.

Ah, good stuff.
Good stuff.

Yup.

- See the game last night?
- Which game?

Any of 'em.

So, uh, what's the 4-1-1?

Any updates
on the "P" situation?

I don't know what you mean.

- P-A-M.
- Yeah, no.

- P-A...
- Oh.

- M.
- Okay.

No, it's okay.
We're talking code.

What?
What is?

Listen, Stan--you know,

how long does it take
for you to pick out a soda?

I'm gonna take off actually.

- All right, well...
- Yep.

Cool.

- Still deciding?
- Hm?

Peach iced tea.

You're gonna hate it.

Hey, Oscar, how you doing?
Dwight Schrute calling.

Listen, little question
for you, buddy.

I called six minutes ago,
and no one answered,

so I was wondering
if you could expl--

Oh, I see.

So sounds like you're too sick
to come into work,

but you're well enough
to go to the pharmacy.

There are several
different ways

to tell if a perp is lying.

The liar
will avoid direct eye contact.

The liar will cover part of
his or her face with his hand,

especially the mouth.

The liar will perspire.

Unfortunately, I spoke
to Oscar on the phone,

so none of this is useful.

It's grrrape... soda.

- Tony the Tiger.
- Yeah.

You don't hear that
much anymore.

Not so much.

Okay,
what is going on here?

- Nothing.
- Oh, really, nothing?

Fact,
you are drinking grape soda.

You never drink grape soda.

Fact, you are talking to Jim.
You never talk to Jim.

Fact, I love grape soda.
I always have.

Fact, Jim and I talk
all the time.

We tell each other secrets.

Okay, so what is the secret,
Michael?

Um, I had asked Michael

if I could head up
the Oscar investigation,

and he said that only Dwight
was capable of handling

such sensitive material.

Is that true?

Um...

I--I don't know.

Uh... yeah, yeah, it is.

Thank you, Michael.

I know
you're telling the truth.

- Okay.
- I can tell.

I won't let you down.

- Good.
- Thanks.

[exhales deeply]
Nice, that was--that was slick.

- What're you doing for lunch?
- I don't know.

I'm probably just gonna eat
my ham and cheese sandwich

- in the break room.
- Oh, nonsense.

No way, no.

Why don't, uh...

why don't I take you
out to lunch?

- My treat.
- Uh, no.

That's all right.
Thank you though.

It's--I gotta do some cleaning.

I should probably
stick around here.

Hey, know what we could do?

We spread out a blanket
in the break room,

have a little picnic,
order some 'za.

Talk about you know who.

Oh, um, nope.
You know what?

- The P to the A to the M.
- Let's go out.

That was a good idea.
Let's go out.

I know just the place.

[upbeat music]

Oh, man,
you should order milk.

Get it?

Why do I like Hooters?

Well, I will give you
two reasons.

The boobs and the hot wings.
[chuckles]

Oh, here we go.
Here we go.

Bogey at three o'clock.
Hi.

Hey, I'm Dana.
Welcome to Hooters.

We're not worthy.
We're not worthy.

Hello, Dana.

I am Michael,
and this is Jim,

and we are brothers.

Nope.
We're not brothers.

Well, we're
old fraternity brothers, so...

Oh, what frat?

[upbeat music]

Yeah, I rushed
a few fraternities,

but you know what?

I don't believe
in paying for friendships,

so I made a decision
not to accept any offers,

and, fortunately,
none were made,

which was good,
so nobody's feelings got hurt.

[laughs]
Just kidding.

I'm just making it up.

I'm his boss, actually,
and I treat him well.

I'm taking him out to lunch
because I can afford it,

and he can have
whatever he wants.

Can I just have
the ham and cheese sandwich?

- Great.
- Thanks.

And for you?

Tell me, Dana,
how is your chicken breast?

Oh, it's great.

It's served with
our world-famous wing sauce.

Mmm, sounds yummy.
I will have a chicken breast.

Hold the chicken.

- [groans]
- [chuckles]

Is that what you really want?

♪ ♪

No, I'm gonna have
the gourmet hotdog.

Great.

♪ ♪

- Who took all the black ones?
- That's a communal bowl.

So how did Oscar sound
when he called in?

Sick.
Like, lots of sniffling.

- I don't know.
- Sniffling how?

Um, how many different ways
are there to sniffle?

Three.

Okay, it was the second one.

Okay, good.
Thank you.

That wasn't so hard,
now, was it?

Mm-mm.

What do you like best
about Pam?

Oh, I really
don't wanna talk about it.

Her legs or boobs, or...?

Um, she's easy
to talk to, I guess,

and, uh, she's got
a really good sense of humor.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Never gets
any of my jokes.

- What about you?
- Her boobs definitely.

Wow, that's not what I meant.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.

And I understand
we have a birthday today.

Oh, happy birthday, Jim!

Ready, girls?
Front side!

all:
♪ You put your front side in ♪

♪ You put your front side out ♪

♪ You put your front side in ♪

- ♪ And you shake it all about *
- Wow.

all: * You do the hokey-pokey
and you turn yourself around ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

- Thank you.
- Whoo, yeah!

Thanks.
Thanks, Dana.

Thank you very much!

[clears throat]

Temp, shouldn't you
be monitoring the progress

of people's cleaning efforts?

Everything seems
pretty much under control.

Yeah, well, I'd hate
to see it blow up in your face.

- How would--
- Let's table that.

So, temp, you seem
to be pretty close

to this Oscar.

- Not really.
- Getting defensive?

- No.
- You seem a little nervous.

You shouldn't be.

- Thank you, Dana.
- Sure.

Keep the change.
Here you go, buddy.

- Happy birthday.
- Wow, thanks.

- You're welcome.
- No, you know what?

- Seriously, you should have it.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I have the long sleeve.

And, actually,
you know what we should do?

We should wear 'em
tomorrow to work.

It'd be hysterical.
[chuckles]

Ooh, tomorrow.

Uh, that's gonna be tough

'cause I already
laid out my outfit, so...

Okay, Tuesday. Whenever.

You better try it on,
make sure it fits.

Okay.

Lunch with Michael was...

Not terrible.

Oh, that's hilarious. Hey.

What did you guys talk about?

Just, you know,
politics, literature.

I hate you.

Quick Oscar update.

I have conducted interviews
with everyone in the office--

Just go to his house
and see if he's sick.

I could've done
this investigation

- in, like, 20 minutes.
- Including prep time?

Just do it.

If I had to,

I could clean out my desk
in five seconds

and nobody would ever know
I had ever been here.

And I'd forget too.

- Expense this.
- Michael, is that a wig?

No, it's--
I wear it like that sometimes.

- Is that a wig?
- This is from Hooters.

Yeah, it was
a business lunch.

- Did Toby approve this?
- No, he did not.

I don't need his permission.

You just got your
corporate credit card back.

Do you really want me
to take it away again?

[groans]
It's ridiculous.

They took my card away

because I spent 80 bucks
at a magic shop.

What they don't understand
is that I bought the stuff

to impress potential clients,
so business related, right?

I put a cigarette
through a freaking quarter,

and you know what, Toby?
They almost bought from us.

I'm not processing this.

Look, Jim needed
a relaxing lunch.

He has been depressed,

and it has been
affecting his productivity.

- How is that not work related?
- He seems fine to me.

You're not his friend.
You don't know.

He is in love with a girl
he works with who's engaged,

so just cut me
some slack please.

Pam?

Hey, Angela,
who would you choose,

Jim or Roy?

It's nobody's business, Phyllis.

Roy.

Jim has got it bad for Pam.

[chuckles]
Which one is Pam?

Well, she's the--

- hey, Michael.
- Hm?

So do you think Jim will try
to break up the wedding?

You know what, Kevin?

Jim is a friend of mine,

so the only people
that this crush really concerns

is Jim and Pam and me.

As a volunteer
sheriff's deputy,

I've been doing surveillance
for years.

One time,

I suspected an ex-girlfriend
of mine of cheating on me,

so I tailed her
for six nights straight.

Turns out she was

with a couple of guys,
actually, so...

Mystery solved.

Jim, why didn't you tell me
that you had a crush on Pam?

Well, the cat's
out of the bag.

I used to have a crush on Pam,

and now I don't.

Riveting.

- Yeah.
- No, it's not.

Nice.

She is so hot.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you find anything good
in your desk?

Uh, coupon
for a free sandwich.

- Score.
- Expired in August.

And my cell phone charger
from two years ago.

- Big day.
- Big day.

Hey, uh, listen.

Um...

I told Michael
on the booze cruise--

so stupid.

Um...

I told Michael that I
had had a crush on you

- when you first started here.
- Oh.

Well, I just thought that--

I figured you should
hear it from me...

rather than--
I mean, you know Michael.

Right.

And... seriously,

it's totally not a big deal.
Okay?

And when I found out
that you were engaged, I mean--

- No, I--I know.
- It was like--

Like, I kind of--
like, I--

I thought that maybe you did
when I first started.

Oh, you did?

No, I mean, just 'cause we,
like, got along so well.

No, yeah, no, yeah.

You saw through me. Great.

[both chuckle]

So are you gonna be, like,
totally awkward around me now?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [laughs]

- Hope that's okay.
- Mm-hmm.

And Pam.

It was, like,
three years ago,

so I am totally over it.

- Cool.
- Okay.

[whispering]
Stay low.

It's him.

This is it.
There he is.

He's been gone
for at least two--

who is that?

Come to Papa.

[chuckles]

I got those.

Oh, yes.

Let's roll.
[engine rumbles]

I knew it!

Oh, man, you are so busted!

Ice skates?
Shopping bags?

I think I know
what's going on here.

- You weren't sick at all.
- Who's this?

This is Dwight Schrute.
Who is this?

Gil.

Are you going
to tell Michael?

How about this?

I don't tell Michael,
and, in exchange,

you owe me
one great, big, giant favor

redeemable by me at a time
and place of my choosing.

Guess what I found out
about Oscar tonight.

He was lying about being sick.

Should I have reported
Oscar's malfeasance?

Hmm, probably.

But now I know something
he doesn't want me to know,

so I can use his malfeasance
to establish leverage.

Otherwise,
it's just malfeasance

For malfeasance's sake.

[knocks]

- Hey.
- I know.

I know.
I know.

Um...

What happened?

I--oh.

Just, um, you know,

I was trying--
just the expense reports,

and then--God, Toby, you know?

He just--I know.

I just--I just hope that--oh,
I just hope

that this doesn't affect
our friendship!

[sobbing]

It's stupid.
It's so stupid.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

Listen, man, it's--

- you know, it's not a big deal.
- Yeah, okay.

- It's gonna be fine.
- I'm fine.

No, I know.
I'm good.

I'm good.
It's just--

Look, it's one day.

Everything's
gonna be all right.

- Yeah, okay.
- No big deal.

- You good?
- Yeah, I'm good.

Okay.

Creed, did you organize
the menu book?

Oh, I thought that was
more on a volunteer basis.

No, that was mandatory.

Oh, I thought
it was a volunteer thing.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Here's your schedule
for next week.

- [coughs]
- Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Look, about you and Jim--

Oh, no, that's--
you don't have to--

No, I just feel
it's my responsibility

- as your boss slash friend--
- No, it's really--it's okay.

Um, I know that Jim
had, like, a crush on me

when he first started,

but that was
a long time ago, so...

It wasn't that long ago.
It was on the booze cruise.

Jim had a crush on me
on the booze cruise,

or he told you about it
on the booze cruise?

Uh-oh... okay.

Shut it, Michael.
I'm done.

That's it.
I'm out.

- Ready?
- Yep.

People are
always coming to me.

"Michael, I have a secret.
You're the only one I trust."

No, thanks,
because keeping a secret

can only lead to trouble.

Like, I was watching Cinemax
last weekend.

This movie...

Portrait of a... Prostitute.

Something... Secrets of a--
"More Secrets of a Call Girl."

And the lead character, Shila,
is framed for murder,

goes on the run, and winds up

working at a bordello
in Malibu.

I don't--I don't wanna
live like that.

I like it here.

I don't wanna be Shila.
I like being Michael Scott.

[trumpet flourish]