All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S02E04.Fire.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

[phone rings]

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

Sure, can I ask who's calling?

Just a second.

[phone rings]

Jim Halpert.

What?
How did you get this number?

Stalker.

Katie and Jim
met in the office.

And now I guess
they're, like, going out

or dating or something.

And, uh...

I don't know, you know?

They're just--she calls him
and they... you know.

I'm sorry, I feel like
I'm talking really loud.

Am I talking really loud?

Katie and I have
been out a few times.

I wouldn't call her
my girlfriend,

but, yeah, I like her a lot.

She makes me laugh,

which I think is
really hard to find.

I mean, Dwight makes me
laugh, too, of course.

But Katie's a little cuter.

So we're still on for lunch?

You're meeting me here?

Okay.

Great. Bye.

Hey, you can just
give her your extension.

Okay.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ ♪

Howard/Ryan.

Ryan Howard is sitting
in my office.

And he has been a temp here
for a couple of months.

And he's kind of gotten
the lay of the land

a little bit,

had a few laughs along the way,

and now he wants to know
what I think.

The temp agency
wants to know what you think.

Shall we?
Let us proceed.

First up, proficiency
in necessary skills.

Eeeeeeaaa...

Excellent!

[laughing]

- Thank you.
- Oh, that--

I saw the sweat beading.

Okay, let's get serious.

Work ethic.

Mm, mm, not too shabby.

[sing-song] Not too shabby!

- [laughs]
- Okay, uh,

it's excellent, satisfactory,

needs improvement,
or not applicable.

Or not too shabby.
That's right there--

Well, there's actually
a separate place for comments.

I know, I know, I'll--
okay, excellent.

- At the bottom.
- It was exc--fine.

- Excellent, excellent.
- Thank you.

Um, social "integregation."

That's not ac--"accplicable."

Michael's in there right now
evaluating the temp.

He hasn't evaluated me
in years.

Attitude. Needs improvement.

How can I improve that?

Better already.

To be a boss, a good boss,

you have to have the ability
to recognize talent.

Including your own.

And one of mine,
one of my talents,

is being a mentor.

And, not kinda
the stuffy professor guy,

but s--fun.

Somebody fun.

And practical.

But fun.

But respected.

And loved.

Five years from now,
what do you wanna do?

Where do you wanna be?

Uh, well, I'm interested
in business.

Oh, good, ambitious. Excellent.

Wanna be a manager?

Uh, no, actually what I want

is to own my own company.

That is ridiculous.
[chuckles]

Ryan's about to attend

the Michael Scott school
of business.

I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda
rolled into one.

[as Yoda] Much advice you seek.

Do you know who that is?

Fozzie Bear?

Mm.

No, that was Yoda.

Fozzie Bear.

Who could Fozzie Bear
possibly mentor?

Gonzo?

Animal?

Rowlf? Wha--I--

Ryan has a lot to learn.

70 and clear, that's nice.

Where's that?

That's here.

Really?

Wow.

63, 64, 65.

66, 67, 68.

69. [restrained chuckle]

70, 71, 72, 73.

There are ten rules of business

that you need to learn.

Number one:

you need to play to win...

but...

you also have to win to play.

Got it.

And I will give you the--

the rest of the ten at lunch.

Very nice.

Hey. [clicks tongue]

Michael and I have
a very special connection.

He's like Batman,
I'm like Robin.

He's like The Lone Ranger,
and I'm like Tonto.

And it's not like there was
The Lone Ranger

and Tonto and Bonto.

Hey, how's it going, man?

Good.

What's up?

Oh, nothing much.
What's up with you?

Uh, I'm good, thanks.

Good. Good, I'm good, too.

Well, how's it crackin'?

Uh, fine.

- What's up?
- You know what you would love?

Guns N' Roses.

When I was your age,
I loved Guns N' Roses.

Do you like Guns N' Roses?

- Uh--
- I'll make you a tape.

- Cool.
- I'll make you two tapes.

I don't have a tape player.

- So--
- [chuckles]

Someday, temp.

I've got a couple of shirts
that don't fit so well anymore.

I'll bring 'em by.

Okay!

Rule three,
reach for the stars.

And if you fail, see rule four.

Rule four,
failure is not an option.

Got it.
Ryan is gonna love these.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

And at the end, I will reveal

that they were
all just one rule.

- That is so cool.
- Mm-hmm.

Plus you can go
"Rule five? See rule six.

"Rule six?

- See rule five."
- No, I'm not trying

to trick him, I'm trying
to be a good mentor.

- So--
- Kill or be killed.

- Mm, no.
- Shoot to kill.

Or, kill to shoot.

No, come on, Dwight.

I have to have
ten of these by lunch.

I promised Ryan.

Just ask for an extension.

I'm not asking the temp
for an extension.

Unless I really need it.

Michael and I have
a very special connection,

like an umbilical cord.

And the thing is, with Ryan,

is I don't want him
to trip on it or...

get it caught around his neck.

[fire alarm ringing]

- People!
- Okay! Everybody?

This is not a test.
Move to the exits.

Do not panic!

- Get up off your desks!
- No, I don't wanna hear it.

- Do not panic!
- Let's go people!

No, panic is warranted!

Single file line.

This is not a drill!

Arms at your side!
Arms at your side!

Please, move quickly.

This is a paper company,
people!

Step lively!

This whole place
is a tinderbox.

It is ready to blow.

This is not a test!
Can you leave?

Oh, you say that
every time.

- Do you wanna die?!
- Oh, boy.

Do you wanna die?!

- Let's go, let's go.
- Out!

Stanley,

have you ever seen
a burn victim?

Move to the exits!

- You're safety partners!
- Real smoke!

We've got smoke! Smoke!

Gah!

[glass breaking]

Oh, Kelly! Are you okay?
I gotcha!

- Hey, I'm all right!
- Cover your nose and mouth!

- Breathe through your nose.
- Get off me!

Breathe through your nose.

Remove your stockings! Okay?

They'll melt
right into your flesh!

Stay below the smoke line.

Let's go!

Clear out, stat!

"Stat" means now!

Yes, I was
the first one out.

A captain is always
the first one on the ship

and the last one off the ship.

And...

this parking lot is our ship

when the building is on fire.

So...

I ran out onto the ship.

And, yes, I've heard
"women and children first."

But we do not employ children.

We are not a sweatshop, thankfully.

And women are equal

in the workplace by law.

So, I let them out first,

I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Another rule of business

is being able to adapt
to different situations.

Yeah?

Adapt, react, readapt...

Apt. Right?
That's rule number two.

Okay, guys, listen up.
We need a headcount.

We need to count off.
Michael's number one.

Where is he? Where is he?

So what was rule two?

Uh, adapt, react,
readapt, apt.

Okay, well,
let's just kinda

- take it a little slower.
- Hey, Michael,

uh, Ryan needs a number
for the count off.

Okay, uh,
well, one is taken.

Uh, okay, two?

- No!
- Okay--uh, sorry.

Okay, he can have 14.
Margery's not here today.

Well, he needs a
permanent number, all right?

No, I don't.

Oh, you know what else?

I thought of a nickname
for the three of us.

Three musketeers.

Um, yeah, okay.

That--no, no, no, no!
I got one, I got one.

The three stooges.

That's funny, too.

But if we're
the three musketeers...

I don't wanna be, like,

a guy here, you know?

Like, Stanley is
the crossword puzzle guy.

And Angela has cats.

I don't wanna have
a thing here, you know?

I don't wanna be

the something guy.

Okay, you know what?

I think I'm gonna be
setting the agenda here, okay?

Everybody gather up, please.

Important announcement.
Very important announcement.

I think this is
a perfect opportunity

for all of us to participate

in some really intense,

psychologically revealing conversations.

So we're gonna be playing
Desert Island,

um, "Who Would You Do?"

- And, um...
- "Would You Rather?"

"Would You Rather?"

"Would You Rather?"
is our third game.

[fire truck horn]

[siren blares]

Yeah!

Hey, guys, great response time.

Listen up. I got some theories.

Okay, there's a...

I'm a safety officer.

I'm a volunteer
sheriff's deputy.

And I know that when
there's a dangerous situation--

look, I have been training
my whole life for this.

There may be fire

inside the walls right now.

Yes, there is a real fire.

But it's okay.

Everyone got out fine.

This is why you
practice these things.

I like fire drills.

You know what's the greatest?

Like, when you were in school

and the teacher would let you
have class outside.

Oh, the best.

Yeah, it was great because

it was like
you're supposed to be working,

but nothing ever gets done.

Yeah, we had outside classes
all the time

- and we never did anything.
- [laughs]

Actually, if I had
had fewer outside classes,

I probably wouldn't be

stuck here at a paper company.

You're not stuck.

Okay, so, three books
on a desert island.

Angela.

The Bible.

That's one book.

You've got two others.

Uh, "Purpose Driven Life."

Nice.

- Third book.
- No.

Okay, Phyllis.

Um, "The Da Vinci Code."

"The Da Vinci Code."

I would take
"The Da Vinci Code"

so I could burn
"The Da Vinci Code."

Okay, great, that's gonna

keep you warm
for, like, seven seconds.

Question, is there firewood
on the island?

I guess.

Then I would bring
an axe, no books.

No, it has to be
a book, Dwight.

Fine,
"Physician's Desk Reference."

- Nice, smart.
- Hollowed out.

Inside, waterproof matches,

iodine tablets.

Beet seeds, protein bars,
NASA blanket.

And...

in case I get bored,

"Harry Potter and
the Sorcerer's Stone."

No, "Harry Potter and
the Prisoner of Azkaban."

Question, did my shoes
come off in the plane crash?

Plane crash?

This is important.

Leather is a food source.

- No, it's not.
- Leather from shoes

can be boiled down
to a simple broth

that can sustain a man
for over two weeks.

You just made that up.

Question, are there
animals on the island?

Rule number four.

"In business,
image is everything."

Andre Agassi.

This car is
an investment, right?

If I have to take out a client.

Or I'm seen
around Scranton in it.

I love it. I love this car.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

Okay, I thought people
read more books.

DVDs. Five movies.

What would you bring
to the island?

- Toby, go ahead.
- Um, "Say Anything,"

"The Shining."

Uh, "Annie Hall."
That's too obvious.

Those are like
my favorite movies.

I didn't really think
you could win Desert Island,

but I think you just did.

Oh, "Toy Story 2."

One of the best movies
I ever saw.

I went for my daughter.

And stayed because

you can't leave your daughter
in a theater.

Toby and I
used to sit together.

Until Michael moved us

because he thought
we talked too much.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Can I go next?

Yes, Meredith.

"Legends of the Fall,"

"My Big Fat Greek Wedding,"

"Legally Blonde,"

"Bridges of Madison County."

Wow.

- "Legends of the Fall."
- Wow.

"Bridges of Madison County,"
"Legally Blonde."

- These movies are just--
- Well, I kind of like...

Wait, wait, wait.
Pam, no.

Do you understand?

The game is
desert island movies,

not guilty pleasure movies.

Desert island movies are
the movies you're gonna watch

for the rest of your life!

Forever!

- Unforgivable.
- I take it back.

- Unforgivable.
- I take it back!

Good.

And "Ghost."

But, uh, just that one scene.

- You know that scene?
- Yeah, yes.

- Yeah, I know that scene.
- That was a good scene.

Um, Kevin.

Do it.

Uh, "Cannonball Run,"

"Cannonball Run 2,"

"Weekend--" [snickers]

"Weekend at Bernie's,"

"Weekend at Bernie's 2,"

and--ooh, "Groundhog Day."

"Groundhog Day."

I have a client
who watches that movie

once a week at least.

- Really?
- I should put you

in touch with him.

Maybe we could get together

and work on that account?

- I would love that.
- Okay, guys, guys, guys.

That almost sounded
like business,

and we are trying
to focus here today, okay?

Is this your car, Ryan?

Wow, some pretty big

- books back there, huh?
- Don't.

- Good shocks.
- Hello, Mr. Egghead.

Beep!

I'm just kidding.

I read a lot. Lot of, uh,

lot of suspense thrillers,

- lot of business books.
- Yeah.

Funny story, I got this book

"Who Moved My Cheese?"

- It's a great business book.
- Right.

But I bought it
because I thought it

was a suspense thriller.

Oh, Stanley Kaplan, I know him.

- "M is for Murder," "P is for--"
- That's actually a

- test prep book.
- "for Phone." What?

That's a test prep
for business school.

Oh, thinking
about business school.

I just got in.
I applied.

- I go at night.
- Really?

So, you think you know
a lot about business?

No, not yet.

- Just started.
- Uh-huh, yeah.

Quiz me.

- I wouldn't even know--
- Oh, come on.

Come on, Egghead.

- Let's do it.
- Do it.

- Quiz me up.
- All right, um...

Why have people been rethinking
the Microsoft model

in the past few years?

When I was Ryan's age,

I worked
in a fast food restaurant

to save up money for school.

And then I

lost it in a pyramid scheme.

But I learned more
about business

right then and there

than business school
would ever teach me

or Ryan would ever teach me.

When the dollar goes up,

what does that do
to American business?

- Pass.
- Up.

- Um, right.
- Pass.

When I was Ryan's age,

I worked selling cutlery
for a while.

Cutlery that could
decimate a penny,

I kid you not.

There were these shears
that could cut

straight through a penny.

So, I have life experience

and work experience

that Ryan doesn't

and will never have.

Is it cheaper
to sign a new customer

or to keep
an existing customer?

- Keep an existing--
- Shut... it.

Can I just do it please?

Uh, it's equal.

It is ten times
more expensive

- to sign a new customer.
- Okay, yes.

- It was a trick question.
- Yeah, but look.

I mean, he didn't need
business school, okay?

Michael comes from
the school of hard knocks.

- Okay, Dwight?
- Self-taught.

- You didn't even go to college.
- You know what?

You don't need
to help me here, okay?

You know, maybe you should
go to business school

like Ryan.

Then you'd know what

- you're talking about.
- Come on,

I'm studying
with a master, huh?

You should learn
from him, right?

- Right?
- Stop, Dwight.

You know what, Dwight?
You're acting like a dork.

- Would you cool it, please?
- [grunts]

- Okay.
- Ooh!

Hey, he's not your
five-year-old brother, Dwight.

He's a valued member
of this company.

No, I--
And you know what?

He knows more about business
than you ever will.

Stupid.

I did not go
to business school.

You know who else
didn't go to business school?

LeBron James, Tracy McGrady.

Kobe Bryant.

They went right from
high school to the NBA.

So...

so it's not
the same thing at all.

Look at this stuff.

Market fragments.
What is that supposed to be?

It's a way of looking
at consumers as subsets

of a larger client base.

Do you have a pen?

Uh, not on me.

Here, um, two shoe salesmen
go into the jungle, okay?

Yeah.

On the first day,
they realize

no one in the jungle
wears shoes.

- All right.
- So the first salesman

calls his boss, says,

"Nobody wears shoes.
Get me out of here."

I'm a boss.
I, uh, I say, "Okay,

but first you have to
reimburse me for your travel--"

No, you're
the second salesman.

You say,
"Nobody down here wears shoes.

It's a totally
untapped market."

You are so smart.

You are so F-ing smart.

You should be teaching me.

Well, I'm smart enough
to know what I don't know.

Which is apparently everything.

Pam, get us back into it.

- Five movies, go ahead.
- Okay, um, "Fargo."

Um, "Edward Scissorhands,"
"Dazed and Confused."

Ooh, definitely
in my top five.

Yes, in my top three,
so suck it.

"Breakfast Club."

- Um, "The Princess Bride."
- Okay, that's five.

- [loud snapping]
- No, my all-time favorite!

- Pam, play by the rules.
- All-time favorite.

Play by the rules.

Dwight.

All-time favorite movie.

"The Crow."

[engine revving]

[tires squealing]

I became a salesman

because of people.

I love making friends.

But then I was
promoted to manager

at a very young age.

And I still try
to be a friend first.

But, you know...

When you're very successful,

your co-workers
look at you differently.

[sighs]

What do you think?

Maybe we should get some air.

No, I'm okay.

I'm really uncomfortable.

All right, let's move on.

Let's move on
to the main event.

- Who would you do?
- Present company excluded?

- Um, not necessarily.
- Pam.

Pam.

Um...

Okay, uh, you know what?
Maybe I'll--

I'll finish explaining
the rules.

Let me explain it first
and then...

* Think you've
had too much ♪

Yeah, so we'll get right--

you know what?
I'll be right back.

Stanley, you're taking over
for me, buddy.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay, um...

["Everybody Hurts"
by R.E.M. continues]

- Dwight.
- * Everybody hurts ♪

- [music plays louder]
- Dwight.

Come on, Dwight, use words.

* Sometimes-- ♪

Why didn't I go
to business school?

Who goes to business school?

- The temp.
- He does?

Yeah, it's all him and
Michael talk about anymore.

You know, I bet Ryan
thinks to himself,

"I wish I were a volunteer
sheriff on the weekend."

He doesn't even know
that I do that.

You should tell him.

Oh, yeah, Pam, right.

That's gonna help things,
just talk it out.

I hope the war goes on forever

and Ryan gets drafted.

- Dwight.
- What?

I'm sorry I said that.
I didn't--

just part of me meant it.

Besides, he'd end up
being a hero, anyway.

You know what
you should do?

You should quit.

And then, that would
stick it to both of them.

No, Jim,
I'm not gonna quit.

Then Ryan wins.

Yeah, you're right.

Thanks, you guys.

I just need some alone time.

Okay.

- All right, buddy.
- * Everybody cries... ♪

[both laugh]

Hey.

- Guys, what's going on?
- Hey.

- Nothin'.
- What's up?

Can I hang with you guys
for a bit?

The warehouse guys are

a bunch of jackasses sometimes.

Boobs.

What question
are you responding to?

Come on, people, you know
the rules of the game.

Oh, hey, hey, game?

What game are we playing here?

Okay, it's called
"Who Would You Do?"

Oh!

I play this at home
all the time

while I'm falling asleep.

What, uh--where are we?

- Where are we here?
- Roy.

Roy? Roy?

- Who would you do, Roy?
- Uh...

Oh, I got it!

What's the name of that, uh,

tight-ass Christian chick?

The blonde?

My name is Angela.

Hey, Angela. Roy.

Nice to meet you.

All right, who's next?
Who's next?

Who's next? Who's--Jim?

You're next.
Who would you do?

Um...

Kevin, hands down. Yeah.
[group laughing]

He's really got that teddy bear
thing going on and...

Afterwards, we could
just watch bowling.

[chuckles]

Well, I would definitely

have sex with Ryan.

'Cause he is gonna
own his own business.

You're all gay.
[cackles]

Who's, uh, who's next?
Who we got?

[phone ringing]

- Who?
- Hey.

No, I can talk, I can talk.
I can talk.

Well, wish I had
my cell phone,

but I left it inside, so...

Would that make you happy?

- What's that?
- If you had your cell phone?

- Would it make you happy?
- Yeah.

- I'm on it.
- Dwight, hey!

- You can't go back in yet!
- Dwight, don't!

He is an idiot.

The man is an idiot,
ladies and gentlemen.

What if he dies in the fire,

and that's the last thing
you ever said to him?

I didn't say it to him,
I said it about him.

And then you go to school

- for three years?
- For two years,

and it's only at night,

and then it's on
your résumé forever.

Wow.

And just out of curiosity,

- how much is it?
- 650 bucks.

- A semester?
- A credit.

- Wow.
- It's an investment.

No, yeah, sounds like it.

I think it's worth it.

- Jim.
- Definitely Jim.

Definitely, definitely Jim.

- Come on, Pam.
- What about you, Pam?

Um...

Oscar's kind of cute.

Yeah, I like Oscar.

Ooh, Toby.

How long does it take

to find a cell phone?

- I don't know either.
- Um, is there anybody else?

[clears throat]

Hey, where are you?
Oh, good.

Yeah, we're just here.
We're playing Desert Island.

It's where you pick
your five favorite DVDs.

Seriously,
where the hell is Dwight?

- [clears throat] Hey.
- I don't know.

Call my cell phone.

It'll make it easier
for him to find.

What's your number?

I gave it to you in the car.

- Um...
- I saw you program it in.

You gotta--you gotta
give it to me again.

Okay, all right.

Now, I have it.

[cell phone playing "Mambo #5"]

Uh...

I better tell somebody.

- Excuse me, sir?
- [coughing]

Dwight! Dwight!

God, man, why did you
go in there?

Everybody was scared
out of their wits, man.

Everyone, okay.

Uh... I have an announcement.

Apparently, in business school,

they don't teach you
how to operate

a toaster oven.

Because some smart, sexy temp

left his cheese pita

on oven instead of timing it

for the toaster thing!

[laughing]

Oh, wow! Okay.

Well, I guess they don't teach

how to operate a toaster oven
in business school--

That's exactly what I said!

Hey, did you miss that day,
there, Ryan?

- Were you absent?
- "Toaster Oven 101"?

- You failed?
- I am so sorry.

Oh, man.

Hey, I know what'll
impress everybody.

I'll start a fire.

Oh, man.

Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.

I have a song--
attention everyone--

that I wanna sing.

That I wrote especially
for this occasion

when I was up there
among the flames.

Ready?

♪ Ryan started the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since
the world's been turning ♪

both: * Ryan started the fire ♪

♪ It was always
burning since--♪

Everybody!

I can't believe
I started the fire.

both: [mumbling lyrics]

* Marilyn Monroe ♪

both: * Ryan started the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning... ♪

Eat it!

- Eat it! He has to eat it!
- Hi!

- Hey.
- How are you?

- Good, how are you?
- I'm good.

- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you too.

- I'm hungry.
- Yeah, I am too.

Oh, I have been thinking

the whole way over,

- and I have my answers.
- What answers?

Uh, for the desert island.

Oh, right!
Right, right, right!

Come on, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
gather 'round.

We have one more participant.

Come on, be polite.

Be polite.

Desert island, five movies, go.

Okay, um, first,

"Legally Blonde."

[laughs]

I forgot what
a super nice girl Katie is.

And, just--good for Jim.

They are so cute together.

And, um, what an adorable car!

Okay!

I think the game's over.

People are, like, leaving.

There was
a bigger crowd last time.

- Do you wanna just go to lunch?
- Okay.

- Yeah?
- All right, you wanna drive?

- Sure.
- All right.

They are so cute.

I'm really sorry, Dwight.

- Answer me this, though.
- What?

Was it worth it?

- Was it worth it, temp?
- No.

- Was it worth it?
- Really?

I'm really sorry, Dwight.

The fire guy.
[laughs]

The fire guy!

♪ Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon ♪

♪ Studebaker television ♪

♪ North Korea, South Korea ♪

♪ Marilyn Monroe ♪

♪ Ryan started the fire ♪

Okay, rule five,
safety first,

i.e., don't burn
the building down, okay?

That should be a no-brainer.

Oh, look...

Ryan is book smart.

And I am street smart.

And book smart.

I'll give you the rest
of the ten tomorrow.

I'm Michael's number two.
He's one, I'm two.

He's alpha, I'm beta.

He's A, I'm B.

It's easy.

Whatever Michael is,
I'm one less.

I am Michael's right-hand man.

And he doesn't need
another right-hand man

because he's only got
one right arm.

I know Michael's every move.

It's not something
you can just pick up.

I could write a book about him.

Literally.

I started one once,

but Michael made me stop.

If I could change
the life of one person,

just one person,

I--actually,
that's shooting kinda low.

I already did that.

When I was born.

Changed two people's lives.

Mom and Dad.

Um...

if I could change
the lives of 5,000 people,

10,000,

nah, five.

I'd be satisfied with 5,000.

I--10,000 though,

that'd be something.

Wow, 10,000 people.

Because you know what?
Even one is amazing.