Original subtitles

(Michael) I'm an early bird,

and I'm a night owl.

So I'm wise and I have worms.

Now. [knocking on door]

Oh! Breakfast.

I got you your sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.

What was the thing you needed me to come in early for?

Um...

the sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

But thank you, and why don't you just...

Take a couple of hours.

Office is yours.

Home Alone, Risky Business.

Take your pants off, run around.

Whatever you wanna do.

I'm just gonna take a nap in my car till work starts.

Okay.

See? Healthier.

Gotta watch those carbs.

Hey.

(Jim) Oh, Pam, can I see you in here for a second?

It's important, so...

Okay.

What?

What is this?

I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot.

Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?

I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know what the best play is.

Do we tear everything up,

or do we buy a horse on the internet?

I mean, I don't know what to do.

What do you think?

I know. I know what to do.

Okay, what?

Okay, put everything back exactly how you found it.

Okay.

Hey, Dwight, Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot.

What did you do to it?

Nothing.

I'm serious. What did you do to it?

Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything.

Nice try.

Cancel card.

Cancel... card.

Cancel card.

[piano rock]

♪ ♪

Today I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner.

Investing in real estate.

Diversifying. Smart.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

It is very important to own property.

Back in olden days,

they would not even let you vote

unless you owned property.

They'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.

And it worked. Yes.

We should bring the stocks back.

People will obey the law.

There'd be less troublemakers.

Maybe. [laughs]

So what are the specs? What?

What are the specs? Oh, okay, I'll tell you.

Let's see here.

Three bedroom, two bath contemporary townhouse...

Nice.

Two-car parking... Yes.

Wall-to-wall carpet... God, what a steal!

All fixtures included.

Yes, this is looking good.

Does it have a deck?

I think it does.

Have you seen it? Yes.

Does it have a deck?

I think it has a--yeah, it has a deck.

They call it a porch, but it is a deck.

When a man is laying on his deathbed,

there are four things that go through his mind.

Was I well-loved? Check.

Did I express myself?

Did I let my light shine through?

Check.

Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral?

Check--probably more than one. Check, check, check, check.

Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate?

And when I close on this condo,

I will be able to check that one as well.

[sighs]

(Pam) Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.

I think today it was the expense reports

that did him in.

And, uh, our deal is

that it's up to me to revive him.

You see Dwight's coffee mug? Mm-hmm.

Sometimes when he's not here,

I try to throw stuff in it.

No way. [laughs]

Let's do this.

[crumpling paper]

Oh!

Here. Try paper clips.

Oh, wait. This message.

For Dwight.

Perfect.

Uh! Oh!

I love it, I love it. What do you call it?

Schrute ball.

How about Skeet Schruting?

Did you just come up with that?

Mm-hmm. That is good.

That's it. That's what it is.

Thank you.

Oh, somebody went in.

That was a team effort, Pam.

Oh!

I mean, you've got stuff here.

You rented "Mermaids." You can't--it's a movie.

You can't deduct that. You know that.

(Angela) It's not an office expense.

Yes, thank you.

Next year you should file your stuff in a basket.

Remember, last year he slipped by with "Stripes."

He put--he rented "Stripes," he had it for a week,

and that got through, so maybe he's thinking

he can do that from now on.

Please.

Maybe he can file his things in a paper bag.

That's not helping, Angela. That's not helping him.

Homeowner.

About to join an exclusive club, Dwight.

Maybe someday these people out here will know

what that feels like.

Maybe not, who knows? Not my problem.

You should go.

Yes. Yes.

Final walkthrough. Mm-hmm.

Sign the papers at the condo.

You have your lawyer there?

Uh, I don't need one. Can I be your representative?

I don't need a representative. I think I should be there.

No, no. No, I'm good.

I can make sure things are up to code.

No, Dwight. I'm fine. Please?

I'm always the guy that you rely on at work.

Well, this isn't about work.

This is closing on a condo.

It's completely personal.

So you're taking a personal day?

[clears throat]

Except that

this is about my living arrangement,

and as boss,

I need to have a living arrangement

in order to do work.

Please?

I'll make you proud.

Okay, fine. Yes, you can come.

Yes! As your representative?

As my associate.

Same thing. No, it is not.

Why don't you bring some work that we can do in the car

and some Lunchables as snacks.

Lunchables are a whole lunch.

Just bring it.

I have been Michael's number two guy

for about five years.

And we make a great team.

We're like one of those classic, famous teams.

He's like Mozart,

and I'm like... Mozart's friend.

No.

I'm like Butch Cassidy,

and Michael is like Mozart.

You try and hurt Mozart,

you're gonna get a bullet in your head

courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

[in mocking Asian accent] Oh, most honorable Pamera.

Not offensive because that's the way they talk in movies.

You headed out? Uh, we are.

Dwight and I are going to the big thing.

So why don't you have everybody

work on their expense reports,

and I'd like them in by the end of the day.

Okay. Very good.

Have a great time. We will.

Um, did you do the thing

I asked you to do about the magazines?

Yeah, I changed them to your new address.

Good. The...

Small Businessman? Yep.

Maxim? American Way?

Cracked?

Yes.

I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.

How about m--uh,

Fine Arts... Aficionado Monthly?

No? Okay.

Well, could you get on that?

'Cause I don't just read Cracked.

[sighs] Thank you.

Okay. See you soon.

What is he so excited about?

Michael's closing on his condo today.

Ah.

Yesterday he asked me if I'd go with him

as his associate.

And you said no? Yeah.

He also asked me if I would cry at his funeral.

What kind of shocks you got on this baby?

I don't know. Regular, normal ones.

Nothin' fancy.

Not my style.

What are you doin'?

I wanna put the top down.

No, Dwight. It's 50 degrees outside.

Don't--Please.

Yeah, but then no one can see us.

I--Just, would you put it up?

Okay. Fine.

Just leave it down.

Whiner.

Check it out.

Terminator.

I do not understand what you spend your money on.

Ooh.

(Jim) Hey, Oscar.

On these new expense reports,

do we really have to go back to last quarter?

Yeah.

It's a terrible system, I know.

What?

What does "2005 season" mean?

Tha--[laughs]

Wait a minute. What is this?

It's a scoreboard.

What?

Kevin and I play this paper football game

when Michael's out. Really?

Yeah. Or when we're bored.

Oh, my God!

Wait, this goes back two years!

We're bored a lot.

Oh-ho. Oh!

Sweet. Yes!

So close.

I really love the, uh,

paper triangle flicking and hitting things game.

Yeah. We call it Hateball.

Why?

Because of how much Angela hates it.

Hey, do you guys have any other games?

Sometimes we play

Who Can Put the Most m&ms in Their Mouth?

(Angela) You play that.

You should ask Toby

to teach you Dunderball.

Home sweet home.

Which one's yours?

Right there.

My sanctuary.

My party pad.

Someday I can just see

my grandkids

learning how to walk out here.

Hang a swing from this tree.

Push 'em back--

Wait.

No, it's this one right here.

Home sweet home.

So it's like volleyball. Okay.

Okay, you're gonna want to take a hold of the ball.

Mm-hmm. And you bounce it off

the wall on your side of the tape.

Oh, okay--oh, so that's what the tape's for.

I didn't know.

Yeah, Michael asked about it once,

and I just pretended not to hear him.

He left.

All right, let's play.

Kelly, do you mind if I use your desk?

Yeah, go ahead.

Extra points if you break his monitor.

Is that true, Toby?

It's not true.

It's my monitor.

And I'll just take Kelly's.

(Kelly) Nice.

This is all mine.

All the way down, around the corner.

It's a shared space,

but I can use it whenever I want to.

Okay, so I called in a favor

to my buddy at the police department...

Ah, the volunteer sheriff's station.

Same thing. No.

Um, these are the crime statistics

for the surrounding square mile over the past four years.

Oh, anything bad?

Two charges of loitering. Mm-hmm.

One noise complaint.

Several speeding tickets. Mm-hmm.

Do you own a gun? No.

I'd think about it. Mm--I don't need a gun.

Hello? Hello! How are you?

Okay. I'm, uh, just about to close

on 126 over there.

And I guess we're gonna be neighbors.

Very cool. Very cool.

So, uh--so what's the vibe?

What's the vibe of this place?

Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet.

Oh, rea--wow. Ooh, that's gonna change.

[laughs]

Why?

Because... I loves to party.

And I'm gonna be partying my butt off at this place.

Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew.

Hi, I'm Dwight Schrute,

Mr. Scott's associate.

Who's Mr. Scott? Him.

I have a question about the property line.

These two trees are pretty close together,

but it looks to me like this one's more on your side,

this one might be more on his.

Yeah.

What are you doing home in the middle of the day?

I just came back for lunch.

What are you having?

Like a Hot Pocket.

What line of business are you in?

I'm a salesman.

(Dwight) Really? So am I.

Yeah? What?

I sell yarn.

You're a yarn salesman? Yeah.

I have a couple questions about the neighborhood.

Have you had any problems with prostitution,

crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?

[groans] No.

Here's a question for you. I have a convertible.

Is it safe to park that in my driveway?

All right, see you soon.

A good guy.

Um...

cool.

So that's what this sound is all day.

[laughter]

I think I'm going to make myself

some microwave popcorn.

[humming] ♪ La, la, da-da ♪

Press Popcorn. Oh, that's gonna be delicious.

I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon.

You know what?

I could do with some hot chocolate as well.

Oh, drat, I can't make hot chocolate

and popcorn at the same time,

unless I can!

Boom, second microwave for "le hot chocolate"!

Hello, hello, hi. Oh, Carol, hi, how are you?

Hey, Michael. Good to see you.

Uh, Michael, this is Bill.

He's the head of the Condo Association.

Oh! Hey, how are you?

Nice to meet you, Bill.

Bill. Mr. Bill.

(as Mr. Bill) Oh, no!

Mr. Bill! Whoa! Ho-Ho!

SNL?

When they pull him apart?

He would always get rolled over by something.

N-Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

This is smaller than your old place.

Yes, well, I'm buying it and I'm not renting it.

So it's still an upgrade.

He doesn't know anything about property ownership.

He's kind of an idiot. Um...

(Dwight) Actually, I do own property.

My grandfather left me

a 60-acre working beet farm.

I run it with my cousin Mose.

We sell beets to local stores

and restaurants.

It's a nice little farm.

Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Are we ready to sign some papers?

Actually, no.

We have a couple of questions,

uh, about the neighborhood.

I-It's very safe. It's very clean.

Uh, also, it's very accepting

of all lifestyles.

It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.

Oh, good. That's good.

It's good to be accommodating of... that.

Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Hey, Phyllis.

Do you have any games that you play in the office?

What do you mean?

You know, like, little time killer games,

like stapler tennis or something like that.

No.

Okay.

Stanley.

I just played Dunderball with Toby.

What about you? You got any games?

Yeah, I got a game.

It's called Work Hard So My Kids Can Go To College.

Fair enough.

This, my friends,

is the master bedroom.

Check out the cathedral ceilings.

Those are, like, 17 feet high.

We have cable readiness right there.

I am going to totally pimp this place out.

I am going to put a surround sound system.

I am going to put a plasma screen

right against this wall.

Ooh, terrible idea.

'Cause I'm putting my bed right over here.

No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall.

Neighbor throws his wife into the wall,

plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed.

Well, then I will get a warranty.

Warranties don't cover it. Plus, they're a rip-off.

Well, then I won't get a warranty. Christina!

Shh! So, that's the problem. It's solved.

What? I don't hear you practicing.

Can you hear that?

[cello playing]

Oh, man!

These babies are thin!

[singing Olympic Anthem]

This scented candle

- [imitating echo] - -andle,--andle...

Which I found in the men's bathroom, room, room...

Represents the eternal...

burning of competition or something.

It smells like cookies.

Yes, it does.

Yes, it does, my friend.

Okay, we will be competing

for gold, silver, and bronze

yogurt lids.

Now, the bronze are really blue.

And they're also the backside of the gold,

so no flipping.

Okay? Honor system.

(Angela) I do play games.

I sing.

And I dangle things in front of my cats.

I play lots of games.

Just not at work.

Let the games begin.

[applause]

[all singing Olympic Anthem]

Second bedroom, whoop! For the ladies!

I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed

or for friends and family, whoever wants to pop on by

to casa de Scott, and right in here,

what's in here?

Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there?

Limitless possibilities. (Dwight) Seal it off!

What? What are you doing in there?

Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation.

Oh, my God, Dwight!

Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there.

Oh, you know what I might do is I might make this

into a kid's room.

Kids, you don't even have a girlfriend.

I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place.

I'm gonna get married, and I'm going to have kids.

(Dwight) Well, that depends on how old she is.

What if your girlfriend is 55?

I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman.

Just a possibility. No, it's not, just shut up!

If you fall in love with her. You're an ass, shut it!

I smell mold. No, you don't. Stop.

Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp.

For example, there are beets in a condo

two doors down that way, and...

someone over there I believe is a big fan of olives.

And then I just need you to sign here at this arrow.

What kind of mortgage did you get?

Uh, 10-year.

Well, 10 over 30,

so 30-year total.

What? Wha--

You said 10. S--

10-year fixed...

over 30.

30-year total.

Huh. 30 years.

Okay, okay, okay.

Wow, you'll be payin' this off in your mid 70s.

All right. [chuckles]

Forget about retiring when you're 65.

[exhaling] Hey, I've got an idea.

You know that extra bedroom?

If the whole girlfriend thing never happens,

that's where the nurse can live.

Okay, all right.

Oh, boy. Well, this is it.

Whenever you're ready.

Yeah. Um...

that's news to me, the whole 30 years thing.

I think I was pretty clear about that, Michael.

Moment of reckoning. It's pretty standard.

All right, it's not the moment of reckoning.

Just stop it. This is not it.

This is--this-- there's a lot more.

(Dwight) What is this if this isn't it?

Ho. Ho-okay.

Is that supposed to come off?

Actually, yes. Hey, look, cool. Carpenter ants.

Um... Gonna take a little, uh, breather

for a second.

Excuse me.

It'll be here waiting for you.

Oh, man.

(Dwight) A 30-year mortgage

at Michael's age

essentially means that he's buying a coffin.

If I were buying my coffin,

I would get one with thicker walls

so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

[cello playing]

[breathing heavily]

Oh! Whenever you're ready, Michael.

Ugh!

No, this isn't it.

Not by a longshot.

You have what is the national sport

of Icelandic paper companies.

And I'm blanking on the name.

Could you help me out, Pam?

Jim, they refer to it as...

Flonkerton.

(Jim) Hmm.

(Pam) In English,

Box of Paper Snowshoe Racing.

Fair enough,

but I like Flonkerton.

The thing about Jim is,

when he's excited about something,

like the office Olympics,

he gets really into it

and he does a really great job.

But the problem with Jim

is that he works here,

so that hardly ever happens.

So who will be challenging Kevin

in Flonkerton?

Anyone?

I'll do it.

Yes! Phyllis!

[applause]

Phyllis, if you'd just put your foot right through here.

Right through the flonk.

I'm gonna back out of the deal.

Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been

taken advantage of here.

How? [sniffs]

This smells of fraud to me.

This whole thing just kind of stinks.

The ceilings are lower than they were last week.

That--I don't--

What? I don't know if you showed me

this same unit or not.

Where-- Michael, this is the unit you saw, and--

Where are all the hot people?

I was told that there would be

all these attractive singles.

Who told you that? And as far as I can tell,

I'm the best-looking person here.

(Michael) There's a basic principle in real estate

that you should never be

the best-looking person in the development.

It's just sorta common sense,

because if you are,

then you have no place to go but down.

Is this a financial thing?

If it's financial thing,

what some people do is, they rent out the third bedroom.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

And that's some extra income for you.

I am not going to rent the third bedroom.

I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin'.

You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.

Muh...

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Cugino's, what a great bread.

I made the right decision.

I'm glad I signed.

The--I'm a homeowner.

Right?

Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying.

This is good.

This is fun. We're havin' fun.

Totally havin' fun.

Can you imagine those poor saps

stuck at the office today?

[both laughing]

(Jim) Here we go. Here we go.

[cheering]

Dig deep.

Dig deep!

[screaming]

Oh!

It's Phyllis! It's Phyllis.

(Jim) Phyllis by a nose.

Gold medal in Flurnenton.

Flonkerton!

(Jim) Thank you, delegate from Iceland.

(Jim) Wow. Okay.

No one else should even try.

Gold medals.

[cheering] Give him medals.

Wow!

[cheers and applause]

Ahh, so want to head back?

Yes.

Oh, and...

there's somethin' else, Dwight,

wanted to talk to you about.

I have a surprise for you.

For helpin' me out today.

Oh, you didn't have to do-- No.

No. I insist, I insist.

Because you've really done some great work.

Great work!

And that is why I am going to let you

move into my third bedroom

and pay me rent.

[gasps]

Why did I do it?

Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts.

Uh, I rewarded Dwight

with the room,

and he is rewarding me back

with, uh, $500 plus utilities.

Let's just take a moment though

and make sure that this is the right fit for you.

Why are you even saying that?

You don't have enough money.

Here's how we'll remedy that. I can give you a raise.

And then we can have Dunder Mifflin just pay for it.

That's not unethical because Dwight does excellent work,

and he's earned it.

Thank you.

I guess my philosophy about Dwight would be this:

If you can teach a man, Dwight, to fish, room,

then he will learn,

pay $500 in rent,

how to fish, plus utilities.

I don't even know what to say.

I'm thinkin', lock into a four-year commitment.

We'll go month-to-month after that.

Or until I start dating,

have a girlfriend.

And then you're, you know,

you're gone, so...

Question: Where can I put my terrarium?

What hell is a terrarium?

It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.

Oh, so, an aquarium?

Uh, that...

will not come into this place.

Okay? Question:

Oh, my God.

My grandparents left me

a large number of armoires.

Tell you what, the deal will be off the table

in ten minutes, so take it or leave it.

I've got a lot of work to do.

Oh, boy.

This whole condo's shifting.

It's like this place was built

on an ancient Indian burial ground.

(Pam) Are you sure you don't wanna play?

(Angela) I'm sure.

Come on, Angela. Don't you have a game?

I have one, yes.

Well, let's play. What is it?

I call it Pam Pong.

I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk

and goes to reception to talk to you.

We're friends.

Apparently.

(Jim) Very nicely done.

Okay, so, think that's H-O-R for Stanley

and H-O for Phyllis.

Are you calling me a ho?

Oh, my God.

Phyllis coming alive. I like it.

Are you calling me a whore?

Stanley! That is inappropriate, okay?

We just need to stop.

Everybody, let's get involved.

There are medals to be won here.

Here we go.

Question: What about carpooling?

Uh, who pays for the gas?

We take separate cars.

Then question: Can sometimes I drive your car

and you drive mine?

(Michael) Why would we do that?

Just for fun? No.

Question: Who's the primary on the fire insurance?

[imitating hockey air horn] Game over!

Offer revoked, Dwight.

I'm sorry,

but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy

and help out a friend,

and this is what happens.

This is what I get.

I--God.

I'm--Okay.

Ooh.

(Dwight) Thank God.

It was nice of him to offer.

But I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse.

I have my own crossbow range.

It's a perfect situation for me.

Although two bathrooms would have been nice.

We just have the one.

And it's under the porch.

[elevator dings]

Ah! Oh!

Who had somebody from Vance Refrigeration?

Ryan Howard.

[cheering] Ryan.

Gold medal.

I made something for our closing ceremonies.

What?

Oh, my God!

Where'd you have time to make that?

Automatic voice mail.

All right, Pam. All right.

[laughs]

Nice work.

You know you can always refinance your mortgage.

We had a 15-year on our beet farm.

We paid it off early.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm.

Beets are the worst.

People love beets. Nobody likes beets.

Everyone loves beets.

Nobody likes beets, Dwight!

Why don't you grow something that everybody does like?

You should grow candy.

I'd love a piece of candy right now.

Not a beet.

Let's get this roof goin'.

Stop it! Ow!

Final lap! Final lap!

(man) Oscar!

(Jim) Time to beat is 1:15.

Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds.

Here they come!

[cheering and urging]

Guys?

(Dwight) What is going on?

Nothing.

Guys? Timer still goin'? Or--

That's my stopwatch.

Hey. That was fun today.

Sorry we didn't get to the closing ceremonies.

Yeah.

Thanks.

What... the hell?

There you go. All done.

Great.

(Jim) Yeah, I filled out the expense reports.

That took about five minutes.

And then I closed two sales at lunchtime.

So... about as productive as any other day.

If not more so.

(Ryan) I figured I could throw it away now,

or I could keep it for a couple of months

and then throw it away.

I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them,

but what am I gonna do with a gold medal

made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?

Hey, Dwight. Want to play a game?

No.

What kind of game?

I don't know. Let's make one up.

Oh, and you can use your weird rubber band ball if you want.

To do what?

I don't know, um...

oh, you know what?

Okay, I'll set up these pencils,

and then you try to knock them down.

It'll be like desk bowling or something like that.

I'm really not in the mood for games today, Jim.

Hey.

I have 59 voice mails.

Mm.

Hey, can you ignore those

and do something for me instead?

Sure.

Okay.

Today, 5:00...

closing ceremonies.

Really?

Notify the athletes.

Cool.

[knocking on door]

Michael.

Yeah? Jim. Slim Jim.

What's goin'--What's goin' on?

Nothin'. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks. It's very cool.

It's, uh, three bedroom, gay-friendly.

Nice. You know.

Hey, would you mind comin' out here for a second?

I just have something for you.

Really?

What's this?

There are the closing ceremonies.

Step up.

W--Um...

You're on the top one.

Congratulations to Michael

because he closed on his condo.

So gold medal.

[applause]

I don't really know what to say.

Um...

I'm not one for making speeches,

but, uh...

my heart is very full at this moment.

[applause]

And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.

(Michael) Get on up here, Dwight.

Silver medal.

Yep. Not as good as gold.

[Star-Spangled Banner plays]

♪ ♪

Why are you playing the national anthem?

Um, 'cause your condo's in America.

Oh.

What the hell is that?

Those are the doves.

[applause]

[cheering]

(man) All right!