All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S01E03.Health.Care.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

(Michael)
Pam!

Pamela,
Pam-a-lama-ding-dong.

Making copies.

I'm not making any copies.
Let's go!

Messages, stat.

Lots to do,
lots to do.

Information superhighway.

Nothing new.
Lay them on moi. What?

There's nothing new.

That's not
what you said earlier.

Oh, do you want

me to repeat the messages

that I gave you before
for the...

The most sacred thing I do
is care.

And provide for my workers--
my family.

I give them money,
I give them food.

Not directly,
but through the money.

I...heal them.

Today I am in charge

of picking
a great new health care plan.

All right?

That's what this
is all about.

Does that make me
their doctor?

Um...

Yes.

In a way.

Yeah, like a specialist.

[keys tapping]

So which health plan
have you decided on?

I am going to go
with the best, Jan.

I am going to go
with the one

with the acupuncture,
therapeutic massage...

You know, the works.

Wait, acupuncture?
Mm-hmm.

None of the plans
have acupuncture.

Have you looked at them
closely, Michael?

Oh, well,
I think it was you

who didn't look closely enough
at the Gold Plan.

The Gold Plan?
Yep.

I'm not even on that plan.

Well, I'd recommend it.
Michael--

It's very good.

You gotta crack
these things open.

You know, the whole reason

that we're doing this
is to save money.

So...

you just need
to pick a provider,

and then choose
the cheapest plan.

Well, that is kind of
a tough assignment.

Um, it's not gonna be
a popular decision

around the old orifice.
It's your job, so...

I--well, it's
a suicide mission, you know?

Michael--
I-I don't--

Uh, maybe, I mean--
They're--they're--

You know, sometimes a manager,
like yourself,

has to deliver the bad news
to the employees.

I do it all the time.

Oh, pfff, yeah, when have you
ever done that?

I'm doing it right now.
To you.

[sighs]

Last night
on Trading Spouses,

there's--
have you seen it?

No, I have a life.

Interesting.
What's that like?

You should try it some time.

Wow.

But then
who would watch my TV?

[laughs]
That's sort of, like a--

(Michael)
Jimbo!

Ha ha ha.

Ah.

There's a decision
that needs to be made.

And I'm having
an unbelievably busy day.

Um, so I am going to let you

pick a health care plan

for our office and then
explain it to your coworkers.

Gosh.
[chuckles]

Yeah!

That is a great offer. Yeesh.

Thank you.

I really think I should be
concentrating on sales.

Really?
Yeah.

I just don't think
that this is

the kind of task
that I...

am going to do.

You know who would be
great for this?

Anytime Michael asks me
to do anything,

I just tell him
that Dwight should do it.

Yes!
I can do it.

I'm your man.

(Jim)
Right now,

this is just a job.

If I advance any higher

in this company,
then this would be my career.

And uh...

Well, if this were my career,

I'd have to throw myself
in front of a train.

Okay, first, let's go over
some parameters.

How many people can I fire?

Uh... none.

You're picking
a health care plan.

Okay, we'll table that
for the time being.

Two, I'm gonna need an office.

I think the conference room
should be fine.

You can use the conference room
as a temporary workspace.

Yes!
I have an office.

[quietly]
Bigger than his. No!

You cannot use it.

Okay, I take it back.
It's a workspace.

Temporary workspace.
You can use it.

Thank you.

If Dwight fails,
then that is strike two.

And good for me
for, uh,

for giving him
a second chance.

And if he succeeds,
then, you know,

no one'll be prouder
than I am.

I groomed him.

I made him what he is today.

Unless he fails.

And, uh...

talked about that already.

You know, breaking bad news is
part of being a manager,

but--but--an even more
important part

is delegating, right?

So putting Dwight in charge
of this thing?

Big test for him,

but is even bigger test for me.

Which I aced, incidentally.

A+. For me.

We stole Dwight's trash can
and we found

some of his early attempts
at his sign.

Okay, here's--
this is very simple.

"Dwight's Workspace."

Nice.
Mm-hmm.

Um... this one's interesting.

The power comes from the font
in this one.

"Schrute Space."

Very medieval, very... England.

This one's forceful.
This one's very Dwight.

"Quiet!
Dwight Schrute Working."

It's good.
Mm-hmm.

I really heard him on that.

This one's interesting.

I'm not really sure
what he meant by this.

Um...

"Dwight Schrute Privates."

Tough to say. Yeah.

He might have meant
"private eye."

He might've meant
"private eye."

You know what, though,
I'm gonna be willing to bet

that it wasn't a typo.

It just is that this wasn't
meant to be put on the door.

This is for him.

This is his own special sign.

And we'll keep it.

We won't tell him
where we got it.

But we'll tell him
that he should hold on to it.

Keep it.

(Dwight)
What did I do?

I did my job.

I slashed benefits to the bone.

I saved this company money.

Was I too harsh?
Maybe.

I don't believe
in coddling people.

In the wild,
there is no health care.

In the wild, health care is:

Ow, I hurt my leg.

I can't run.
A lion eats me.

And I'm dead.

Well, I'm not dead.

I'm the lion.

You're dead.

(Stanley)
There's no dental,

there's no vision,
there's a $1,200 deductible.

I'm really glad
I don't have kids.

[phone rings]

Dunder-Mifflin,
this is Pam.

[over phone]
Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?

Where are you?

Oh, I am in my office.

I am swamped.

I have work up to my ears.

I'm busy, busy, busy.
Busy, can't step away.

I just wanted to check in

and see how everybody's doing.

Everybody cool out there?

(Pam)
Um, actually,

people are really unhappy.

Um, Dwight sent around
this memo, and--

Oh, Pam, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa--

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I-I-I gotta go.

I'm gettin' a call.

No, you're not.

I have to make a call
after I finish my work.

You know what?

Um... just don't let anybody
in my office

under any conditions today.

I'm just too busy,
too swamped, you know?

I am unreachable.
I am incommunicado, capisce?

(Pam)
Okay.

Thank you.
Oh--here we go again.

Gotta go.
I have to take this.

Still no one calling.

(Pam)
Dwight--

(Dwight)
Uh, knock.

What is this--
Please. Please knock.

This is an office.

It says "workspace".
Same thing.

If it's the same thing, then why
did you write "workspace"?

Just knock, please, okay?

A sign of respect
for your superior.

You are not my superior.

Oh, gee, then
why do I have an office?

I thought it was
a workspace, Dwight. Okay.

Dwight, are you really
in charge

of picking
the health care plan?

Yes, and my decision is final.

(Pam)
This is

a ridiculously awful plan,

because you cut everything.

Oh, times are tough, Pam.
Deal with it.

You cut more than you had to,
didn't you? Sure.

Well, why did you do that?

You work here.
Don't you want good insurance?

Don't need it.
Never been sick.

Perfect immune system.

Okay, well, if you've never
been sick,

then you don't have
any antibodies.

I don't need them.

Superior genes.
I'm a Schrute.

And superior brain power.

Through concentration,

I can raise and lower
my cholesterol at will.

Why would you wanna raise
your cholesterol?

So I can lower it.

He literally won't come out
of his office.

He's got to come out sometime.

To go to the bathroom.

(Angela)
Kevin.

That's inappropriate.

What if you get hit by a car?

Never happen.
Heightened senses.

Okay, what if you had
a serious disease, Dwight?

Like Ebola?

Please.
Well, it could happen.

Have you ever seen
the movie Outbreak?

Yeah, have you ever seen
the movie Unbreakable?

He couldn't get sick.

Okay, have you ever seen
the movie Sixth Sense?

Maybe you're already dead.

Unlikely.

But possible.

[water sprays]

Michael, can I talk to you?

Uh, uh, I would love to,

but I am really busy.

Rain check?

(woman)
Uh, Michael?

Michael, please.

Can we talk
about this memo?

Uh, what--which, uh,
which memo?

Dwight's health care memo.
I told you about it.

Is it a good plan?
It's a great plan.

Saves the company a fortune.

(Oscar)
It's like a pay decrease.

Michael, he made
huge cuts.

Cuts?
What?

Wow, Dwight,
did you make cuts?

Yeah.
You said to go out and trim-- No, no, no, no, no.

You know what?

I said nothing specific,
because I was so busy.

Why don't you go
in there, Dwight,

and find these people a plan
that'll work for them, okay?

(Dwight)
I can handle it.

(Michael)
Okay? All right.

Everybody feel good?

All right. Good.

Plus, there's some other
good news.

Today, at the end
of the day,

I will have,
for all of you,

a big surprise.

Okay?
So hang in there.

And I will see you
at the end of the day.

All right?

This is not good.

It's ridiculous.

Did you talk to him?

What was that?

You let him walk
all over you.

It's just pathetic.

What are you guys
talking about?

(Angela)
Nothing, Kevin.

Do I know what the surprise is?
Hell, no!

Doesn't matter.

The point is,
they're not unhappy anymore.

They're out there thinking,

"Wow, my boss
really cares about me.

"He has a surprise.
He's cool.

"Hey, what a great guy.

"I love him.

I...love him."

[door opens]

Okay, everyone,
gather 'round.

Step forward.

It has been brought
to my attention

that some of you
are unhappy with my plan.

So what I'd like you to do

is to fill this out,

and write down
any diseases you have

that you might want covered,

and I'll see what I can do.

Hey, you know what, Dwight?

We can't write
our diseases down for you,

because that's confidential. Okay.

Well, I didn't say
to write your name down, did I?

Fill it out,
leave it anonymous.

Or don't write
any disease down at all,

and it won't be covered.

Sound fair? Good.
All right, I'll be in my office.

(Jim)
Workspace.

You know what?
Come with me.

[keys jingle]

We are going
on a little mission.

[whispers]
Operation Surprise.

(Pam)
Where are you going?

Um...

headed out,
part of my busy day.

You know, meetings.

[laughs]
Couldn't find the knob.

Hello. Michael Scott.

Dunder-Mifflin.
Don't mind the cameras.

They're just kinda doing
a little movie about my life.

Just wanted to pick your brain
about some things.

So basically, I want to do

something nice
for my employees.

We've got 16 people,

and I was thinking
weekend getaway.

Party bus.

Entertainment. Hotel.
You know, the works.

Hit me. What you got?

We have a really nice package
to Montreal right now.

You can do the whole thing,
tax, out the door,

$499 a person.

Beh.
[laughs]

499?

Why don't we just all go
to Paris and back?

Um...

Let me throw something
back at you.

Atlantic City, okay?

They have this thing

where they send a bus,
right, for free.

Picks everybody up,
you head down there,

get to the hotel,
room is comped,

and they give you
a big pile of chips.

And your food, everything,

just kind of all inclusive
free kind of weekend.

I don't know
of anything like that.

But, um, you know
what you might want to do

is just call those casinos
directly, uh, maybe--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I did. So.

Wait, what are you writing?

Don't write "Ebola"
or "mad cow disease".

All right?

'Cause I'm suffering
from both of them.

[both laugh]

I'm inventing new diseases.

Oh, great.
So, like,

let's say that my teeth
turn to liquid. Mm-hmm.

And then they drip down
the back of my throat.

What would you call that?
I thought you said you were inventing diseases.

That's spontaneous
dento-hydroplosion.

Nice.
Thank you.

(Michael)
Well, it is time to call in a little favor.

A buddy of mine runs
this tourist attraction.

Actually, it's-it's big.

It's probably one of the most
popular in the state, so...

(Craig)
Hello.

Hey, hey!
Craigers, my man.

It is Michael Scott here.

Dunder-Mifflin.
We supply your office paper.

Oh.

I think we already did
our order this month.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

Actually, I am
calling to ask you

a little favorooni, my friend.

Um, trying to give
the troops around here

a little bit
of a boost.

And I was thinking
that maybe we could

take 'em down to take a spin
on your big ride.

You mean the elevator

that takes you down
into the mineshaft?

It's not really a ride.

Uh, it says here
that it's a--

a 300 foot drop.

Well, it goes 300 feet
in the earth,

but it moves
really slowly.

So it's not a free fall?

It's an industrial
coal elevator.

Uh...

All right, well, once you get
down into the mine,

what do you--
you got laser tag or something?

No.
You just look around.

It's an historically preserved
coal mine.

That's it?

Well, there's the adjacent
anthracite heritage museum.

They got some really
interesting old mining tools.

There's also
a photo mural exhibit,

a bat guano sculpt--

He's a small client.
They don't really buy much.

You promise
these are confidential?

100%.

Did you just mark on that?

I don't think so, no.

You made a P. Wrong.

Thank you, Jim.

Kevin.

Pam, Jim, Kevin...

Here you go.
Thank you, Stanley.

[whispering]
Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley.

Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley.

Pam, Jim, Kevin...

you finished?

Oh, yeah.
Here's the rest of 'em.

That was...

unauthorized.

Okay, okay, so I don't know
what the surprise is.

Am I worried?
No.

No way.
And see, I thrive on this.

This is my world.
This is improv.

This is
Whose Line Is It Anyway?

All right.
Let's play a little game.

Throw me out a location.

Office. Okay.

How 'bout a situation?

You promised your employees
a surprise,

and you don't have one.

Okay? Ready?
Here we go.

And... go!

So it'd be like that, you know?

And, you know, if I was up
on a stage, I'd be...

I'd just be rolling, so...

(Dwight)
Damn it!

[growling]

All right.
Who did this?

I'm not mad, I just want
to know who did it,

so I can punish them.

What are you talking about?

Uh, someone, uh,
forged medical information,

and that is a felony.

Okay, whoa.

All right, 'cause that's
a pretty intense accusation.

Yeah.
How do you know that they're fake?

Uh, leprosy.

Flesh-eating bacteria.

Hot dog fingers.

[snickers]

Government-created
killer nano-robot infection.

[laughs quietly]

You did this, didn't you?
Absolutely not.

Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.

I know it was you.

Okay fine.
You know what?

I'm gonna have to interview

each and every one of you

until the perpetrator

makes him or herself known.

And until that time,

there will be no health care
coverage for anyone!

Killer nano-robots?

It's an epidemic.

So I'll just go now.
What are you doing?

Where are you going?

Oscar, I did not dismiss you.

Well, you have no right
to ask those questions.

Well, you came into my office voluntarily.

Because I don't want
my benefits slashed.

Yeah, well, maybe they won't
get slashed

if you answer all my questions.

I'm reporting you.
I'm reporting you.

Whenever a worker is promoted
above their peers,

naturally, there's gonna be
some jealousy.

And that's gonna lead
to goofing off.

Which is fine.
It's okay.

As long as they're willing
to suffer the consequences.

Michael, I need to talk to you.

(Michael)
Sorry. Too busy.

Can't even come to the door.

Michael.
Yep, no.

Michael, I'm inside.

Oh, you know what?

I, um...

I'm-I'm out the door.

I'm going to a meeting.

Pam?

I'm headed out
to another meeting.

So see you later.

(Dwight)
Pam.

Why do you want
health care, Pam?

Huh?
Why do you even want it?

In case I get sick.

Why don't you just go ahead

and use Roy's
health care plan, huh?

Because we're not married.

But you're engaged.
Aren't you? Hmm.

And maybe you've set a date.

And that is allowing you

to not take
our health care plan seriously.

We haven't set a date.

[chuckles]

You've been engaged
for three years.

Do you honestly expect me
to believe

that you haven't set a date yet?

I think you have.

And I know

that you wrote down
those fake diseases.

Admit it.

Admit it, Pam.

Just shut up, Dwight.
You wrote down--

I didn't give you
permission to--

I'm not talking to you anymore.
I didn't--

She'll be back.

What?

I have a confession to make.

Yes. Good.

I knew it was Jim.

Remember, before,
when I said it was Jim?

Okay, so...

Okay, here's my confession.

Earlier today,
when you weren't looking...

Yes?

I decided that...
you are a jackass.

Okay.

You wanna do this the hard way?

We'll do this the hard way.

You wrote down
those fake diseases, didn't you?

No.
Was that the hard way?

I know you did!

Then why are you wasting
everybody else's time?

Because I wanna know who wrote
those diseases down.

So--

I want you to write
something down.

Okay.

"I, Jim Halpert,

committed health care
fraudulence."

Wait, one second,
'cause that sounds really good.

Is jackass one word or two?

[sighs]

One, right?

'Cause--'cause of the show.

It's one word. One.

[sighs]

What is Dwightabetes?
It's awful.

The problem, Jim...
Mm-hmm.

is that people
who are really suffering

from a medical condition

won't receive
the care they need,

because someone
in this office

is coming up with all
this ridiculous stuff.

Count Choculitis.

[whistles]
Sounds tough.

Why did you
write that down, Jim?

Is it because
you know I love Count Chocula?

Do you?

I think
you need to confess.

Mm-hmm.
The fact--

Yep.
What are you doing?

What?
Those are my keys.

Good luck.
Wha--Jim!

Damn it!
No!

Jim, let me out!
[bangs on door]

Jim!
Let--

[keys clink]

The light gray,
the green...

[phone rings]

Jim Halpert.

Let me out.
Who is this?

Let me out
or you're fired.

No.
You can't fire me.

Yes, I can.
I'm manager for the day.

Mm-hmm.
Clean out your desk.

[phone rings]
Okay.

Can you hold on one second?

I'm getting a, uh, beep.

Jim Halpert.

(Pam)
Hey, Jim, it's Pam.

Hey, Pam.

How are ya?
(Dwight) Jim, open the door!

Good, how are you?
Are you busy? I'm doing okay.

Gettin' excited
for the weekend, though.

(Pam)
Yeah. Yeah, what are you up to?

Um, I'm not bothering you,
am I? No, not at all.

You don't have
anything you're doing? [banging on door]

I have nothing to do.
Oh, great.

Jim!
Um, yeah, no, this weekend, nothing.

I'm not really
doing anything. Jim!

Might go to the mall.
The mall.

I need new shoes.
Oh, interesting.

[banging on door]
What kind of shoes?

[phone rings]

(Jan)
Hello?

Uh, hello, uh...

this is Dwight Schrute
calling for Jan Levinson Gould.

This is Jan.

Hi, Dwight Schrute calling,

acting manager,
Scranton branch.

Listen, I needed your permission
to fire Jim Halpert.

Who is this?

Dwight Schrute.

From sales?

Well--
Where's Michael Scott?

Uh, he is not here right now.

He put me in charge
of the office.

Dwight, listen to me
very carefully.

You are not a manager
of anything, understand?

That's not entirely true,

because he put me in charge

of picking
a health care plan.

Really?!

Yeah.
Okay.

When Michael gets back,

you tell him
to call me immediately.

Call you immediately. Good. Yes.

Oh, hey, listen.

Um, since I have you
on the phone, um...

can I fire Jim?

No.

Please, don't use
my cell phone ever again.

Oh, this is your--
[phone disconnects]

I thought this was your--
[dial tone]

[door opens]

(Michael)
Hey, hey, everybody.

Ice cream sandwiches!
Ahh!

[laughs]

Here you go.
Take one, take one.

It's all good.
Phyllis, think fast!

Ya bum!
Oh, oh, I see Angela.

Right?
Angela, wahh!

[laughs]

Hey, temp.

Why don't you take two?

Because you
don't get health care

and, uh, faster metabolism.

Did you get the kind with
the cookies instead of the--

Why don't you
just eat it, okay?

And here you go,
Stanley the manly. Oh, thanks.

There you go.
This isn't the big surprise, is it?

Because we've been having
a pretty horrible day.

Uh... nope. Nope.

This isn't the surprise.

It's surprising, um,
because you didn't expect it.

But you will--
you'll know it when you see it.

[thuds]

[knocking on glass]
Michael!

Michael!

Oh, for God's sake.

I tried being rational.

Okay?
And what happened?

The employees went crazy.

I got no help from corporate.

So that leaves me
with no options.

I'm now gonna read aloud

your submitted
medical conditions.

When you hear yours read,
please raise your hand

to indicate
that it is real.

If you do not raise your hand,

it will not be covered.

What about confidentiality?

You know what?

You have forfeited
that privilege.

I have tried
to treat you all as adults,

but obviously,
I am the only adult here.

Number one.
Inverted penis.

Could you mean vagina?

Because if you do,
I want that covered.

I thought your vagina
was removed

during your hysterectomy.

The uterus is different
from a vagina.

I still have a vagina.

[sighs]

Okay. Great.

Dermatitis.
Thank you, Angela.

I'll make sure
that's covered.

How many women here
require birth control?

Phyllis?

Pam?

Not you, Meredith.

Kelly?
Do you need birth control?

Okay, now, who wrote this--
this hysterical one?

Anal fissures.

That's a real thing.

Yeah, but no one
here has it.

Someone has it.

This is crazy.

You can't pick a health care
plan disease by disease.

It's stuff
like deductible levels

and copays.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You are way out of line.

Okay, you know what?
This is pointless.

So I'm gonna go.

Fine, Jim.
Thank you.

Oh, okay, everyone's leaving.

Fine.
Okay, everyone leave.

I'm sticking
with the original plan.

[scoffs]

Shut the door to my office
on your way out.

(Stanley)
Workspace.

(Kevin)
You think we should go?

I don't know, Kevin.
I mean, this is important.

I don't want--
There he is.

(Kevin)
What is he doing?

(Oscar)
I don't know.

[door squeaks]

[sighs]

Well?

Well, what?

You could be referring
to anything.

Okay.
The health care plan.

Why did you put Dwight
in charge of that?

He did a horrible job.

Uh, Dwight?

Did you raise benefits?

I most certainly did not.

Oh, come on!
That's horrible.

[groans]

Thanks, Dwight,
for a crappy plan.

[groans]
Damn!

Ohh!
Mm!

I wish I had time
to change it, but--

Jan needs it
by 5:00, and--

What time is it,
what time is it?

Oh, it's after 5:00.
I--Oh--

Oh, it's awful!

So, well...

Okay.
See you guys, uh, on Monday.

(Angela)
What about the surprise?

Oh, yes. Exactly.

Thank you, Angela,
for reminding me.

Terrific.
Um...

Before I tell everybody
what the big surprise is,

would you like to tell me

what you think
the big surprise is?

(Stanley)
We all think you don't have a surprise.

(Michael)
All right.

I have some news for ya.

There is a big surprise.

And...

Here it is.
Here we go.

And...

The big surprise is...

[trills tongue]

[trills]
Drum roll!

[trills]

[trills]

(Michael)
When I am backed into a corner,

that is when I come alive.

See, I learned improv
from the greats,

like, um...

Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.

[grunts]
Yeah! Ahh!

This--

(Michael)
Robin Williams.

Oh, man, would I love to go
head-to-head with him.

Oh ho ho!
That would be exciting.

Ah, oh, I'm Mork from Ork.

Well, I'm--
I'm Bork from Smork.

Nanoo nanoo.

Jibbly bloo bloo!

Um, Carson. Letterman.

You know, need I say more?

No.

Uh... Steve Martin.

[door closes]

Oh, um...

Jan wants you
to call her.

We're all going bowling!