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1
00:01:01,939 --> 00:01:06,318
The rumours of my promiscuity
have been greatly exaggerated.
2
00:01:06,526 --> 00:01:10,280
I used to be anonymous,
invisible to the opposite sex.
3
00:01:10,447 --> 00:01:12,241
If Google Earth were a guy...
4
00:01:12,407 --> 00:01:15,452
he couldn't find me if I was
dressed up as a 10-storey building.
5
00:01:15,619 --> 00:01:19,331
Pretty cutting-edge stuff, huh?
A high school girl feeling anonymous.
6
00:01:19,498 --> 00:01:22,960
Who am I? What does it all mean?
Why am I here? Blah.
7
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:26,380
But don't worry,
this isn't one of those tales.
8
00:01:26,546 --> 00:01:28,507
Though it sure started out that way.
9
00:01:28,674 --> 00:01:31,385
And then it changed pretty quickly
when I started lying...
10
00:01:31,551 --> 00:01:34,179
about some very personal things.
11
00:01:34,346 --> 00:01:38,141
So let the record show that I,
Olive Penderghast...
12
00:01:38,308 --> 00:01:43,063
being of sound mind,
and below-average breast size...
13
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:45,399
swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth...
14
00:01:45,565 --> 00:01:48,652
and nothing but the truth.
Starting now.
15
00:01:49,569 --> 00:01:51,905
And what better way
to share my private thoughts...
16
00:01:52,072 --> 00:01:53,991
than to broadcast them
on the Internet?
17
00:01:54,491 --> 00:01:57,494
So here it is. Part one.
18
00:01:58,495 --> 00:02:02,666
The shudder-inducing and clichéd,
however totally false account...
19
00:02:02,833 --> 00:02:07,045
of how I lost my virginity
to a guy at a community college.
20
00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:12,050
Let me just begin by saying
that there are two sides to every story.
21
00:02:12,217 --> 00:02:15,137
And this is my side, the right one.
22
00:02:15,304 --> 00:02:17,055
George is not a sexy name.
23
00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:19,141
George is what you name
your teddy bear...
24
00:02:19,308 --> 00:02:21,643
not the name you wanna
scream out during climax.
25
00:02:21,810 --> 00:02:24,563
And by that, I assume you mean...?
26
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:27,274
The stable and self-perpetuating
end stage...
27
00:02:27,441 --> 00:02:29,318
in the evolution
of a plant community.
28
00:02:29,484 --> 00:02:31,153
- Right.
- Why, what were you thinking?
29
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:35,240
The same. But I don't say it out loud
lest someone get the wrong idea.
30
00:02:35,407 --> 00:02:38,327
I think you know innuendo
is attached to everything these days.
31
00:02:38,493 --> 00:02:40,537
Innuendo? What...?
Whatever do you mean?
32
00:02:40,704 --> 00:02:44,207
Rhiannon, Olive, go hit the books.
They don't hit back.
33
00:02:44,374 --> 00:02:48,920
Also, hugs not drugs.
Mess with the bull, get the horns.
34
00:02:49,087 --> 00:02:51,673
And any other clichés
you can come up with.
35
00:02:52,591 --> 00:02:54,301
Bye, Mr. Griffith.
36
00:02:54,468 --> 00:02:55,761
Bye.
37
00:02:55,927 --> 00:02:58,388
- Watch your mouth.
- Sorry.
38
00:02:58,805 --> 00:03:00,891
Mr. Griffith is my favourite teacher.
39
00:03:01,058 --> 00:03:03,018
Although,
after all the trouble I caused...
40
00:03:03,185 --> 00:03:05,437
I don't know if I'm still
his favourite student.
41
00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:07,064
You know, these are bad for you.
42
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:10,734
It leads to unwanted pregnancy,
all sorts of things.
43
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:14,738
Mismatched TYRES on your vehicle,
which is nonexistent.
44
00:03:14,905 --> 00:03:19,201
And here is where the trouble began.
The lie that started the whole thing.
45
00:03:19,368 --> 00:03:23,246
Please, please, I'm begging you.
I will pay you. I'll pay you.
46
00:03:23,413 --> 00:03:25,248
Rhi, I cannot go camping
with you, okay?
47
00:03:25,415 --> 00:03:27,125
I'm sorry, but I have a date.
48
00:03:27,292 --> 00:03:29,920
- Okay? I told you.
- With who?
49
00:03:30,629 --> 00:03:33,423
- You don't know him.
- And neither do you, you selfish bitch.
50
00:03:33,590 --> 00:03:35,926
Yes, I do.
He goes to college with my brother.
51
00:03:36,093 --> 00:03:37,677
Okay. What's his name, then?
52
00:03:37,844 --> 00:03:40,680
Rhiannon is what you'd call
a strong personality.
53
00:03:40,847 --> 00:03:43,141
She asked me to come camping
with her family...
54
00:03:43,308 --> 00:03:45,227
and I don't know why
I didn't wanna go.
55
00:03:45,394 --> 00:03:48,605
A little because I didn't feel like
hanging out with her all weekend.
56
00:03:48,772 --> 00:03:52,109
But mostly because her parents are
the weirdest people I have ever met...
57
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,569
and I live in California.
58
00:03:54,736 --> 00:03:57,280
I ate dinner at her house once
and I swore, never again.
59
00:03:57,447 --> 00:03:59,741
- This is interesting.
- Patchouli burger.
60
00:03:59,908 --> 00:04:01,993
We grew it in our victory garden.
61
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,620
You want some dessert?
62
00:04:03,787 --> 00:04:06,248
No, thank you.
I'm trying to watch my figure.
63
00:04:06,415 --> 00:04:08,208
Well, I'm not.
64
00:04:09,334 --> 00:04:11,169
So I lied and told her I couldn't go...
65
00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:14,423
because I had a date with a friend
of my brother's named George.
66
00:04:14,589 --> 00:04:17,676
Let's just face it, there is no such thing
as a sexy George.
67
00:04:17,843 --> 00:04:19,261
Yeah, well, mine is...
68
00:04:19,428 --> 00:04:22,931
so I think we should just
put this conversation to bed.
69
00:04:23,098 --> 00:04:26,852
Fine, don't go camping with us.
Just know I hate you, bitch.
70
00:04:27,477 --> 00:04:29,354
Go get your chocolate milk.
71
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,649
- Do you want one?
- No.
72
00:04:32,816 --> 00:04:35,444
And here's how I really spent
the weekend.
73
00:04:44,578 --> 00:04:46,455
That's the worst song ever.
74
00:05:32,751 --> 00:05:36,379
But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
how my weekend was...
75
00:05:36,546 --> 00:05:39,216
He was charming, you know?
He was a real gentleman.
76
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:42,636
And it feels like I got a love
and I know that it's all mine.
77
00:05:42,802 --> 00:05:45,555
Okay, okay. Wait, wait.
So are you going to see him again?
78
00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:49,017
No. No, probably not. You know,
it was just one of those weekends.
79
00:05:49,184 --> 00:05:50,769
A whole weekend?
80
00:05:50,936 --> 00:05:52,437
Yup.
81
00:05:52,896 --> 00:05:55,565
- Wait a minute. You didn't have...?
- What?
82
00:05:55,899 --> 00:05:57,734
No. No, of course not.
83
00:05:57,901 --> 00:06:01,071
You liar.
You totally lost your V-card to him.
84
00:06:01,238 --> 00:06:02,864
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
85
00:06:03,031 --> 00:06:05,575
- Tell me everything.
- Rhi, I'm not that kind of girl.
86
00:06:05,742 --> 00:06:08,078
The kind that does it,
or the kind that does it...
87
00:06:08,245 --> 00:06:10,580
and doesn't have the balls
to tell her friend?
88
00:06:10,747 --> 00:06:12,415
- What?
- I want every detail.
89
00:06:12,582 --> 00:06:13,917
- Rhi.
- Now, bitch.
90
00:06:14,084 --> 00:06:16,002
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
Okay?
91
00:06:16,169 --> 00:06:19,297
- It's not a term of endearment.
- I want every detail. Now, shitface.
92
00:06:19,464 --> 00:06:21,424
You're not heading
in the right direction.
93
00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:23,009
Tell me.
94
00:06:23,176 --> 00:06:24,761
Fine.
95
00:06:25,679 --> 00:06:27,305
We did it.
96
00:06:27,472 --> 00:06:28,598
Yes!
97
00:06:28,765 --> 00:06:31,059
Finally.
Now you're a super slut like me.
98
00:06:31,226 --> 00:06:33,687
I don't think letting Peter Hedlund
motorboat you...
99
00:06:33,853 --> 00:06:36,940
behind a Bed Bath & Beyond
really makes you a super slut.
100
00:06:37,107 --> 00:06:40,402
There were a lot of people walking
past. Someone could've easily seen.
101
00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:44,281
Whatever. This isn't about me,
this is about you.
102
00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:45,490
What'd you let him do?
103
00:06:46,199 --> 00:06:50,579
It was normal. You know?
Nothing freaky.
104
00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,998
I don't know why I did it.
105
00:06:53,164 --> 00:06:55,625
I guess maybe it was because
it was the first time...
106
00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:58,253
I had sort of felt superior to Rhi.
107
00:06:58,420 --> 00:07:01,798
But I just started piling on lie after lie.
It was like setting up Jenga.
108
00:07:01,965 --> 00:07:03,466
Do you know, like, Glade candles?
109
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:06,970
Those kind, but they were, like,
sexy Glade candles.
110
00:07:07,137 --> 00:07:09,848
- He was sweet. He was...
- Of course.
111
00:07:14,811 --> 00:07:17,230
What the hell are you looking at,
Sister Christian?
112
00:07:17,397 --> 00:07:19,774
Just a couple of admitted whores.
113
00:07:22,027 --> 00:07:24,863
Marianne Bryant is the secretary
of the student council...
114
00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:27,449
chairman of the Orange Blossom
dance committee...
115
00:07:27,616 --> 00:07:29,826
and president of
the Cross Your Heart Club...
116
00:07:29,993 --> 00:07:33,038
a club dedicated to shoving
their beliefs down people's throats.
117
00:07:33,204 --> 00:07:34,664
Obviously they don't care.
118
00:07:34,831 --> 00:07:37,792
Last year's cause célèbre was
the changing of the school mascot.
119
00:07:40,337 --> 00:07:42,047
Give it up for your Blue Devils!
120
00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:44,215
Blue!
121
00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:46,760
Blue Devil!
122
00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:50,680
Yeah.
123
00:07:51,306 --> 00:07:53,683
Yeah!
124
00:07:54,851 --> 00:07:57,771
How can we exhibit school pride
when we're conveyed to others...
125
00:07:57,937 --> 00:07:59,564
as Satan worshippers?
126
00:07:59,731 --> 00:08:03,193
Now, thankfully,
we're the much less intimidating...
127
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,529
Give it up for the Woodchucks!
128
00:08:06,696 --> 00:08:08,990
Hey! Go, Woodchucks!
129
00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:11,451
Woodchucks!
130
00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:20,085
I liked Todd much better
when he was topless.
131
00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:23,421
Yeah, but even dressed as a
woodchuck, I still fantasise about him.
132
00:08:23,963 --> 00:08:25,215
Woodchucks.
133
00:08:27,926 --> 00:08:30,053
Now Marianne had
a new cause célèbre.
134
00:08:30,637 --> 00:08:31,721
Me.
135
00:08:31,888 --> 00:08:34,349
Which brings us to part two.
136
00:08:34,516 --> 00:08:38,269
The accelerated velocity
of terminological inexactitude.
137
00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:43,108
Which is really just my obnoxious way
of saying that lies travel fast.
138
00:08:43,274 --> 00:08:47,904
And, boy, did my terminological
inexactitude accelerate with velocity.
139
00:08:48,071 --> 00:08:49,948
Did you hear about Olive?
140
00:09:10,802 --> 00:09:12,637
No way.
141
00:09:20,812 --> 00:09:23,106
- She's not a virgin anymore?
- I can't believe it.
142
00:09:23,273 --> 00:09:25,108
- Olive lost her virginity.
- Yeah.
143
00:09:26,359 --> 00:09:29,446
Maybe next time a certain somebody
will be a little more careful...
144
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,322
what she says in the water closet.
145
00:09:31,489 --> 00:09:34,617
Yeah, about that? It's...
That's actually not what you think.
146
00:09:34,784 --> 00:09:36,953
Can I talk to you alone
for a second?
147
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,248
- You gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.
148
00:09:42,083 --> 00:09:44,169
Bye, Nina.
149
00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:49,174
What you heard in the bathroom
the other day wasn't true at all.
150
00:09:49,340 --> 00:09:52,802
- It's actually a funny story.
- Olive. That's your name, right?
151
00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:56,306
Yeah, yeah. And you're Marianne.
152
00:09:56,473 --> 00:09:58,850
We've had nine classes together
since kindergarten.
153
00:09:59,017 --> 00:10:02,020
Ten, if you count Religion
of Other Cultures, which you didn't...
154
00:10:02,187 --> 00:10:04,147
because you refused to go.
155
00:10:04,314 --> 00:10:06,983
Yeah. Listen, I'm not the one
that you have to answer to...
156
00:10:07,150 --> 00:10:08,568
for your depraved behaviour.
157
00:10:08,735 --> 00:10:11,613
There's a higher power
that will judge you for your indecency.
158
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:13,656
Tom Cruise?
159
00:10:13,865 --> 00:10:16,242
I hope for your sake
that God has a sense of humour.
160
00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:20,038
Oh, I have 17 years' worth
of anecdotal proof he does.
161
00:10:20,872 --> 00:10:22,123
You've made your bed.
162
00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:24,959
I just hope for your sake
that you've cleaned the sheets.
163
00:10:26,878 --> 00:10:28,671
- Did I just get saved?
- I missed you.
164
00:10:28,838 --> 00:10:30,006
Oh, you too.
165
00:10:30,173 --> 00:10:32,550
So Marianne spread the rumour.
166
00:10:32,717 --> 00:10:36,054
For the first time ever, my sexual
exploits were the talk of the school.
167
00:10:36,221 --> 00:10:38,681
Oh, you know what? I'm wrong.
It was the second time.
168
00:10:38,848 --> 00:10:40,850
The first time was back
in 8th grade...
169
00:10:41,017 --> 00:10:44,687
when all I wanted was a kiss from
this guy I had always had a crush on.
170
00:10:44,854 --> 00:10:48,107
Todd and I were thrown together
in Seven Minutes of Heaven.
171
00:10:48,274 --> 00:10:52,946
Luckily we had a super romantic
song from our youth to set the mood.
172
00:10:54,739 --> 00:10:56,032
I think this is the part...
173
00:10:56,199 --> 00:10:58,868
where you're supposed to
stick your tongue in my mouth.
174
00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:00,578
That's what I've heard, anyway.
175
00:11:00,745 --> 00:11:02,956
Just give me a second, okay?
176
00:11:03,122 --> 00:11:05,875
According to my watch,
you have 382 of them.
177
00:11:06,042 --> 00:11:07,293
- How do you do that?
- What?
178
00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:09,754
Add so fast.
And you also talk like a grown-up.
179
00:11:09,921 --> 00:11:13,216
Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.
180
00:11:14,551 --> 00:11:19,222
So if we didn't do anything,
could you still tell people we kissed?
181
00:11:22,058 --> 00:11:23,518
Absolutely.
182
00:11:23,977 --> 00:11:25,854
- Thanks, Olive.
- Sure, Todd.
183
00:11:27,105 --> 00:11:28,898
I actually didn't wanna lie that time.
184
00:11:29,065 --> 00:11:31,693
When people thought
I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.
185
00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:33,945
But when they thought
I slept with someone...
186
00:11:34,112 --> 00:11:36,573
Hey, Olive. How's it going?
187
00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:39,409
I'm swell,
Guy-I've-Never-Talked-to-Before.
188
00:11:39,576 --> 00:11:41,494
Thanks for asking.
189
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:46,916
All I could think to myself was,
22
Great, now I'm a tramp.
190
00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:49,085
I'm gonna have to get
a lower-back tattoo...
191
00:11:49,252 --> 00:11:51,546
and pierce something
not on my face.
192
00:11:51,921 --> 00:11:54,215
You guys know that
I was here all weekend, right?
193
00:11:54,382 --> 00:11:55,800
- Yeah.
- Yes, you were upstairs.
194
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:57,510
- Yeah.
- You would testify to that?
195
00:11:57,677 --> 00:11:59,637
- Yeah.
- I would take a bullet for you.
196
00:11:59,804 --> 00:12:01,556
You know that.
Right between the eyes.
197
00:12:01,723 --> 00:12:04,017
Man, I would slit my throat...
198
00:12:04,183 --> 00:12:06,102
rather than say something
to someone...
199
00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:08,938
- that you didn't want me to say.
- That's not necessary.
200
00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:11,900
- But that is comforting.
- That's how I am, how I roll.
201
00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:13,818
That's how I do, as they say.
202
00:12:13,985 --> 00:12:17,530
- I like the pants.
- Thank you. They're Costco.
203
00:12:17,697 --> 00:12:19,574
You can have them
when you get taller.
204
00:12:19,741 --> 00:12:22,243
- I'm never gonna go through puberty.
- Course you will.
205
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,287
But we're a family of late bloomers.
206
00:12:24,454 --> 00:12:27,206
I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.
207
00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:29,292
Why does that matter? I'm adopted.
208
00:12:29,709 --> 00:12:33,171
What? Oh, my God. Who told you?
209
00:12:33,630 --> 00:12:36,716
Guys, we were gonna do this
at the right time.
210
00:12:36,883 --> 00:12:37,926
Listen to me.
211
00:12:38,092 --> 00:12:41,220
Sometimes, even when a man and
a woman love each other very much...
212
00:12:41,387 --> 00:12:43,056
like your mother and I used to...
213
00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,934
their insides just don't cooperate
with each other.
214
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:47,352
So, what's going on, honey?
215
00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:50,647
Why do you want us to take a bullet
if anyone asks if you were here?
216
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:53,149
It's nothing. It's just the rumour mill.
217
00:12:53,316 --> 00:12:56,486
What's the rumour mill churning out
these days? Anything interesting?
218
00:12:56,653 --> 00:12:59,697
You know, not really. Not really.
It's a little low on grist.
219
00:12:59,864 --> 00:13:02,659
Clever wordplay. I like it.
You must be related to me.
220
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:04,994
- Only by marriage.
- Give it to me.
221
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:07,497
So, what we're all gonna take away
from this:
222
00:13:07,664 --> 00:13:10,375
- I was here all weekend, right?
- Yes, yes, yes.
223
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:13,836
Remember how I told you
Google Earth couldn't find me...
224
00:13:14,003 --> 00:13:16,130
if I was dressed up
as a ten-storey building?
225
00:13:16,297 --> 00:13:20,093
Well, the next day it could find me if I
was dressed as a crack on a sidewalk.
226
00:13:20,259 --> 00:13:22,512
That's the beauty of being
a girl in high school.
227
00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:26,182
People hear you had sex once
and, bam, you're a bimbo.
228
00:13:26,349 --> 00:13:28,893
I really didn't mean for the lie
to put me on the map...
229
00:13:29,060 --> 00:13:32,230
but I gotta admit,
I kind of liked being on the map.
230
00:13:32,397 --> 00:13:36,651
So, clearly Nathaniel Hawthorne
is a complex writer.
231
00:13:36,818 --> 00:13:38,444
Even I had trouble with him.
232
00:13:38,611 --> 00:13:41,698
I read him originally when I was 5,
but I struggled.
233
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:44,826
So I'm gonna break it down for you.
I'm gonna throw some rhymes.
234
00:13:44,993 --> 00:13:46,995
Anson, drop me a beat.
235
00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:48,871
- What?
- Give me a beat.
236
00:13:49,038 --> 00:13:50,915
Push it up.
237
00:13:51,791 --> 00:13:54,669
Yeah, adultery, vengeance
238
00:13:54,836 --> 00:13:57,171
Crimes of passion
239
00:13:57,338 --> 00:13:59,382
Kill the beat.
I'm not gonna rap for you.
240
00:13:59,549 --> 00:14:01,592
It's pandering
and it's been done before...
241
00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:04,887
in every bad movie
you've ever seen. Okay.
242
00:14:05,054 --> 00:14:07,682
Ironically, we were studying
The Scarlet Letter.
243
00:14:07,849 --> 00:14:09,726
Now, isn't that always the way?
244
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:13,062
The books you read in class always
have some strong connection...
245
00:14:13,229 --> 00:14:16,065
with whatever angsty
adolescent drama is going on.
246
00:14:16,232 --> 00:14:19,193
Except for Huckleberry Finn.
I don't know any teenage boys...
247
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,946
who have ever run away
with a big, hulking black guy.
248
00:14:22,363 --> 00:14:24,574
For those who haven't read
The Scarlet Letter...
249
00:14:24,741 --> 00:14:28,411
or for those who said you did
but didn't, here's all you need to know.
250
00:14:28,578 --> 00:14:31,414
This girl, Hester Prynne,
has an affair with a minister...
251
00:14:31,581 --> 00:14:35,418
is besmirched and made to wear
a red A for "adulterer."
252
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,879
The town realises
she was too harshly judged...
253
00:14:38,046 --> 00:14:40,923
and she's really a good person,
and she dies a saint.
254
00:14:41,090 --> 00:14:42,925
A whole bunch
of other stuff happens too.
255
00:14:43,092 --> 00:14:46,637
If you have a test on it, rent the movie,
but make sure it's the original...
256
00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:50,433
not the Demi Moore version where
she talks in a fake British accent...
257
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,351
and takes a lot of baths.
258
00:14:52,518 --> 00:14:57,440
To say that one was freely adapted
is a bit of an understatement, guvnor.
259
00:14:57,607 --> 00:14:59,609
What we have to realise...
260
00:14:59,776 --> 00:15:03,071
is that Hester lived
in an entirely different time.
261
00:15:03,237 --> 00:15:09,452
A time when the worst crime a woman
could commit was in fact adultery.
262
00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:11,287
Nina.
263
00:15:11,454 --> 00:15:13,414
I think Hester Prynne was...
264
00:15:13,581 --> 00:15:16,125
Excuse my language... a skank.
265
00:15:16,292 --> 00:15:18,753
A skank? So you don't think
she was a victim at all?
266
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,130
Why should I?
She brought it on herself.
267
00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:26,969
Perhaps you should embroider a red A
on your wardrobe, abominable tramp.
268
00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:30,973
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe,
you abominable twat.
269
00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:35,144
Not my best line,
but it was provocative enough...
270
00:15:35,311 --> 00:15:37,814
to land me in the principal's office.
271
00:15:43,361 --> 00:15:47,657
Seems as if someone's
on a downward spiral.
272
00:15:48,032 --> 00:15:51,369
Seems as if someone's
practising the mundane activities...
273
00:15:51,536 --> 00:15:53,704
she'll be saddled with
the rest of her life.
274
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:56,666
I hope you at least had the good sense
to use protection.
275
00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:58,292
Why? Your parents didn't.
276
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:01,170
- You're going to hell.
- Just as long as you won't be there.
277
00:16:01,337 --> 00:16:03,172
I can assure you I won't.
278
00:16:03,756 --> 00:16:05,675
Good.
279
00:16:10,179 --> 00:16:14,058
I don't care who started it.
Just work it out.
280
00:16:18,646 --> 00:16:19,689
Penderghast.
281
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:23,901
So why am I just meeting you?
282
00:16:24,068 --> 00:16:26,654
Language like this would've
warranted a visit years ago.
283
00:16:26,821 --> 00:16:30,867
This is the first time I've done anything
remotely misbehavioural.
284
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,160
This is foul.
285
00:16:32,326 --> 00:16:34,579
I know. I am so...
I'm really, really sorry.
286
00:16:34,745 --> 00:16:37,039
Sorry you said it
or sorry you got caught?
287
00:16:37,206 --> 00:16:39,167
Sorry I said it, honestly.
288
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:42,962
And sorry I got caught a little bit too,
but mostly just sorry I said it.
289
00:16:43,129 --> 00:16:47,049
If you use a word like this again in my
school, it'll be your last. Understand?
290
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,259
Yes, sir. Yes.
291
00:16:48,426 --> 00:16:50,887
I mean, this isn't one of
those progressive schools...
292
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:53,556
where teachers are called
by their first names...
293
00:16:53,723 --> 00:16:56,350
and students
are partners in learning...
294
00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:59,478
and there's a fundraising auction
at the end of the year...
295
00:16:59,645 --> 00:17:02,899
where the more creative parents
put on musical skits...
296
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,067
about the community garden.
297
00:17:05,735 --> 00:17:07,945
This is public school.
298
00:17:08,112 --> 00:17:12,533
If I can keep the girls off the pole and
the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.
299
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:15,244
Now, if you're sent to me
one more time...
300
00:17:15,411 --> 00:17:18,789
you're gonna be out on your fantail.
Now, am I making myself clear?
301
00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:20,082
Yes, sir.
302
00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:22,043
- Good.
- I think so.
303
00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:26,130
I mean, I got a little lost in the middle,
but I found my way back.
304
00:17:26,297 --> 00:17:28,090
Detention after school tomorrow.
305
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:31,260
Now, out.
306
00:17:32,929 --> 00:17:36,974
Even though it was my slutty alter ego
that said a bad word in school...
307
00:17:37,141 --> 00:17:39,393
it was my ass that got in trouble...
308
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,563
which was a place my ass
had never been before.
309
00:17:47,610 --> 00:17:49,195
Hey, Olive.
310
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:52,156
Oh, my God. The illusion is shattered.
311
00:17:52,323 --> 00:17:55,785
They put you in the gas chamber if you
take your head off at Disney World.
312
00:17:55,952 --> 00:17:58,621
I think they just fire you.
You're thinking of Disneyland.
313
00:17:58,788 --> 00:18:00,623
- Disney World is more liberal.
- Oh, yeah.
314
00:18:00,790 --> 00:18:03,668
I always forget Disney World
went blue in the last election.
315
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:05,711
Are you going
to Melody Bostic's party?
316
00:18:05,962 --> 00:18:07,463
I hadn't planned on it.
317
00:18:07,630 --> 00:18:10,675
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. It's a rehearsal dinner.
318
00:18:10,841 --> 00:18:13,469
See you. Stay excellent.
319
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:14,971
You too.
320
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,430
- What's up, kid?
- Woodchuck.
321
00:18:18,057 --> 00:18:19,934
Please tell me the rumours are true.
322
00:18:20,101 --> 00:18:22,561
Yes. Yes. I am a big, fat slut.
323
00:18:22,728 --> 00:18:26,190
No, the one where you got suspended
for calling Nina Howell a dick...
324
00:18:26,357 --> 00:18:28,442
and punching her in the left tit.
325
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:32,113
I worry about the way information
circulates at this school.
326
00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,449
Rhi? I need to tell you something.
327
00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:38,494
Like the exact moment
you turned into such a badass?
328
00:18:38,661 --> 00:18:40,496
- I think I'm in love with you.
- Okay.
329
00:18:40,663 --> 00:18:43,332
Tell me you left a mark
on that scrunched-up face of hers?
330
00:18:43,499 --> 00:18:45,334
- It's not true.
- It wasn't the left tit?
331
00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:48,337
It was the right one.
I always pegged you for a southpaw.
332
00:18:48,504 --> 00:18:51,090
Can you listen to me
for one second, please?
333
00:18:51,257 --> 00:18:54,468
Okay. It didn't happen.
334
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:58,514
Oh, yeah, right. Your secret's safe
with me, you little sex monkey.
335
00:19:03,102 --> 00:19:05,146
I got sent to the principal today.
336
00:19:05,313 --> 00:19:07,398
Did you win a medal or something?
337
00:19:07,565 --> 00:19:08,607
Not exactly.
338
00:19:08,774 --> 00:19:13,362
I used inappropriate language
in English class.
339
00:19:13,529 --> 00:19:16,532
Although, we're reading a book
that I personally deem...
340
00:19:16,699 --> 00:19:20,536
inappropriate for our age group,
so I actually felt it was quite apropos.
341
00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:21,954
What did you say?
342
00:19:23,998 --> 00:19:26,208
Let's just say
it was an inappropriate word.
343
00:19:26,375 --> 00:19:27,710
Well, what did it start with?
344
00:19:27,877 --> 00:19:30,254
A snide comment
from a snotty girl in my class.
345
00:19:30,421 --> 00:19:33,799
No, I mean what letter
did the word start with?
346
00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:35,593
- T.
- Oh, T.
347
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:40,222
- T? Let us think. T, T, T.
- T. All right, T. Yeah, T.
348
00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:44,727
- T, T, T.
- T, T, T.
349
00:19:55,738 --> 00:19:57,740
- Guys.
- Noun, adjective or verb?
350
00:19:57,907 --> 00:20:01,035
Noun. It's definitely slang.
Think British.
351
00:20:01,202 --> 00:20:03,079
Tallywhacker? Termagant?
352
00:20:06,749 --> 00:20:08,834
You're just saying sounds.
Those are sounds.
353
00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:11,921
- Spell it with your peas.
- Yeah, spell it with your peas. Do it.
354
00:20:12,088 --> 00:20:13,756
- I will take that challenge.
- Do it.
355
00:20:13,923 --> 00:20:15,257
I like that. All right.
356
00:20:15,424 --> 00:20:17,718
So does this have anything to do
with the rumour...
357
00:20:17,885 --> 00:20:19,929
that you mentioned the other night?
358
00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:23,391
Do you need to talk to us
about something, sweetie?
359
00:20:23,557 --> 00:20:25,518
What's a twit?
360
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:27,436
That's an A, honey.
361
00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:29,855
It'll get you sent
to the principal's office.
362
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:31,190
Sit down.
363
00:20:31,357 --> 00:20:33,901
We're lucky that this
is not a common occurrence.
364
00:20:34,068 --> 00:20:36,112
What would my punishment
have been otherwise?
365
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:39,865
- Bed without supper, I guess.
- But I'm already finished.
366
00:20:40,699 --> 00:20:43,285
- No dating. No dating.
- Yeah, no dating.
367
00:20:43,452 --> 00:20:45,454
- No dating for you, young lady.
- No dating.
368
00:20:45,621 --> 00:20:47,873
I think my complete lack of allure...
369
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,626
already kind of
shot that horse in the face.
370
00:20:50,793 --> 00:20:53,963
I wouldn't know how to be grounded
more than you know how to ground.
371
00:20:54,130 --> 00:20:56,465
That's right. Love you. Come here.
372
00:20:56,632 --> 00:21:00,344
And I bet that girl was acting
like exactly what you called her.
373
00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:01,637
Oh, you have no idea.
374
00:21:03,806 --> 00:21:06,308
I got a B-plus
on my spelling test today.
375
00:21:06,475 --> 00:21:10,062
That's good, honey, but everything
has spell check these days, so...
376
00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:11,397
Just kidding.
377
00:21:13,649 --> 00:21:15,568
Where are you from originally?
378
00:21:16,068 --> 00:21:17,695
So the next day I had detention...
379
00:21:17,862 --> 00:21:21,157
which, thanks to recent budget cuts,
meant cleaning.
380
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:23,742
I was looking forward to
getting all this behind me.
381
00:21:23,909 --> 00:21:26,495
I had done the crime,
I was gonna do the time.
382
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:28,873
And that would be that,
but that...
383
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:31,834
Aren't there, like,
child labour laws against this?
384
00:21:32,001 --> 00:21:33,127
Not in high school.
385
00:21:33,294 --> 00:21:37,465
The principal's like the captain
of the ship in international waters.
386
00:21:37,631 --> 00:21:39,258
He can even marry people.
387
00:21:40,301 --> 00:21:42,928
We haven't talked in a while.
How have you been, Brandon?
388
00:21:43,095 --> 00:21:46,765
Fabulous. I'm crushing it.
Everything according to plan.
389
00:21:46,932 --> 00:21:48,934
I wanna be in detention.
390
00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:50,352
Yeah, why are you here?
391
00:21:50,519 --> 00:21:53,981
From the blood I saw gushing out of
your nose, I thought you were bullied.
392
00:21:54,148 --> 00:21:57,526
Principal Gibbons is a homophobe,
which is why I called him a fascist.
393
00:21:57,693 --> 00:22:01,030
- So the rumours are true.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
394
00:22:01,197 --> 00:22:03,824
I meant about
Gibbons being a fascist.
395
00:22:05,451 --> 00:22:08,370
So, what's with your new look?
Very whore couture.
396
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:11,874
Oh, haven't you heard?
I'm the new school slut.
397
00:22:12,041 --> 00:22:15,628
You know, I did hear something.
I also heard he was twice your age.
398
00:22:15,794 --> 00:22:18,380
Oh, no, no, no.
No, he was a freshman in college.
399
00:22:18,547 --> 00:22:20,674
I also heard he gave you crabs.
400
00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:23,552
- People suck.
- Tell me about it.
401
00:22:26,013 --> 00:22:27,139
He's not real.
402
00:22:28,641 --> 00:22:31,894
- What?
- The guy I slept with. I made him up.
403
00:22:32,061 --> 00:22:34,063
Wait, you started the rumour?
404
00:22:34,230 --> 00:22:36,273
Indirectly, I guess sort of.
405
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,736
Or actually, no.
No, not really. No, I didn't.
406
00:22:40,903 --> 00:22:43,864
Well, but you're perpetuating it.
That's really messed up.
407
00:22:44,031 --> 00:22:45,157
Excuse me?
408
00:22:45,324 --> 00:22:48,410
You're not even a real slut,
you just want people to think you are.
409
00:22:48,577 --> 00:22:50,079
It's pathetic.
410
00:22:50,246 --> 00:22:55,084
No offence, but you could probably
learn something from me, Brando.
411
00:22:55,251 --> 00:22:59,964
Are you saying that I should
act straight so people will like me?
412
00:23:00,130 --> 00:23:03,926
That's groundbreaking. You should
teach a course at The Learning Annex.
413
00:23:04,093 --> 00:23:07,179
It could be called "The Painfully
Obvious with Olive Penderghast...
414
00:23:07,346 --> 00:23:08,639
the Fake School Slut."
415
00:23:08,806 --> 00:23:11,934
I was just suggesting that
maybe these kids we call peers...
416
00:23:12,101 --> 00:23:14,770
are onto something.
You know, like Marianne Bryant.
417
00:23:14,937 --> 00:23:19,900
Maybe that whole stuck-up,
Jesus-freak thing is an act. You know?
418
00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:22,444
No, I think she's just
a stuck-up Jesus freak.
419
00:23:22,611 --> 00:23:25,864
And there are some of us who are
just trying to blend in to the crowd.
420
00:23:26,031 --> 00:23:29,034
Well, then you've gotta do
everything you can to blend in...
421
00:23:29,201 --> 00:23:30,953
or decide not to care.
422
00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:34,873
I can't decide if you're a genius
or a lunatic.
423
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,044
Well, don't they sort of go
hand in hand?
424
00:23:40,838 --> 00:23:43,924
- So you heard any word from George?
- Nope.
425
00:23:44,091 --> 00:23:48,804
I told you, that was a one-night stand,
which is now over.
426
00:23:48,971 --> 00:23:51,056
You're being pretty cavalier
about this.
427
00:23:51,223 --> 00:23:53,642
Aren't you supposed to be
eternally in love with him?
428
00:23:53,809 --> 00:23:57,479
Yes, I believe so. If I was a Gossip Girl
in Sweet Valley with travelling pants.
429
00:23:57,646 --> 00:24:01,984
But no, I'm not.
So I could really care less.
430
00:24:02,151 --> 00:24:04,320
So Brandy Carter
was telling Vanessa Hodges...
431
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:07,323
that you were with three guys
in a Jacuzzi.
432
00:24:07,990 --> 00:24:09,408
Sounds like a lot of work.
433
00:24:09,575 --> 00:24:13,120
I guess that's still better than
getting it on with some old dude.
434
00:24:13,287 --> 00:24:14,622
Who said that?
435
00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:18,751
Do you know that Brandon kid?
That's what somebody told him.
436
00:24:18,917 --> 00:24:20,002
Isn't he a homo?
437
00:24:20,794 --> 00:24:22,004
Yeah.
438
00:24:28,093 --> 00:24:29,970
Speak of the devil. Hello.
439
00:24:30,137 --> 00:24:32,848
I was just talking about you
with my friend, Rhiannon.
440
00:24:33,015 --> 00:24:36,435
You know Rhiannon.
She's perpetually angry.
441
00:24:36,602 --> 00:24:38,687
She curses like a Somali sailor. Bi...
442
00:24:38,854 --> 00:24:41,315
- Yeah. That's the one.
- "Bi... "? "Bi... "? What's "bi-"?
443
00:24:41,482 --> 00:24:44,151
- Okay.
- I wanna know what "bi..." is.
444
00:24:44,318 --> 00:24:46,028
Hello, what's "bi... "? What is "bi... "?
445
00:24:46,195 --> 00:24:48,280
- Bye.
- "Bi... "? What is "bi... "?
446
00:24:48,447 --> 00:24:51,450
Bedazzling personality?
Beautiful, beautiful soul?
447
00:24:51,617 --> 00:24:54,203
- Big tits.
- That's my identifier?
448
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,622
Yes!
449
00:24:56,789 --> 00:25:00,542
All right, well, that was Brandon. He
needs to talk to me about something.
450
00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:03,587
- Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
- Whatever, Big Tits.
451
00:25:03,754 --> 00:25:05,297
Heck, yeah!
452
00:25:06,048 --> 00:25:07,883
Big tits!
453
00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:10,844
The next day,
things took a turn for the scandalous...
454
00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:12,971
which brings us to part three.
455
00:25:13,138 --> 00:25:16,892
A lady's choice
and a gentleman's agreement.
456
00:25:30,531 --> 00:25:32,908
Hi. Is there an Olive here?
457
00:25:33,075 --> 00:25:35,244
There's a whole jar of them
in the fridge.
458
00:25:35,411 --> 00:25:37,579
I'm sorry,
I must have the wrong address.
459
00:25:37,746 --> 00:25:39,081
Just kidding. Come on in.
460
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,168
Any friend of Olive's
is a friend of our daughter's.
461
00:25:43,794 --> 00:25:45,337
Olive, sweetie.
462
00:25:45,504 --> 00:25:47,589
There's a young man
here to see you.
463
00:25:47,756 --> 00:25:51,427
He said something about asking
for your hand in marriage.
464
00:25:51,593 --> 00:25:53,887
Oh, happy day, Mama!
465
00:25:54,054 --> 00:25:56,390
Oh, I thought I was gonna have
to spend my dowry...
466
00:25:56,557 --> 00:25:59,393
on booze and pills
to numb the loneliness.
467
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,895
A gentleman caller, hurray!
468
00:26:02,062 --> 00:26:04,398
- What's that?
- Olive has a boy in her room.
469
00:26:04,565 --> 00:26:05,733
- A boy?
- A boy.
470
00:26:05,899 --> 00:26:08,110
- Wow, a boy.
- A boy.
471
00:26:08,277 --> 00:26:09,945
A boy?
472
00:26:10,112 --> 00:26:11,947
A boy.
473
00:26:13,073 --> 00:26:16,452
Welcome.
This is where the magic happens.
474
00:26:16,618 --> 00:26:18,287
And by magic I mean nothing.
475
00:26:18,454 --> 00:26:20,080
- Do you wanna go out with me?
- What?
476
00:26:20,247 --> 00:26:22,916
Well, I mean, like,
do you wanna be my girlfriend?
477
00:26:25,043 --> 00:26:28,547
Brandon, just a couple hours ago
you told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
478
00:26:28,714 --> 00:26:31,467
True, but you said I should
pretend to be straight, so...
479
00:26:31,633 --> 00:26:33,469
Yeah, I didn't mean with me.
480
00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:38,599
I mean, you're a nice guy and all,
but you're not really my type.
481
00:26:38,766 --> 00:26:40,559
Yeah, you're not really
my type either.
482
00:26:40,726 --> 00:26:43,645
Yeah, I know that. I got that V
where you'd rather see a P.
483
00:26:43,812 --> 00:26:45,481
Do you wanna
have sex with me or not?
484
00:26:45,647 --> 00:26:47,608
Oh, my God, dude.
485
00:26:47,775 --> 00:26:49,234
You completely missed the point.
486
00:26:49,401 --> 00:26:52,154
- That's not what I was saying.
- I know what you were saying.
487
00:26:52,321 --> 00:26:54,823
I should act straight
till I get out of this hellhole.
488
00:26:54,990 --> 00:26:57,159
Then I can be whoever I wanna be.
I get that.
489
00:26:57,326 --> 00:27:00,162
You know that I didn't have sex
with a college guy, right?
490
00:27:00,329 --> 00:27:02,080
I just told everybody I did.
491
00:27:02,247 --> 00:27:05,834
Actually, I told one person I did.
And you know how these things work.
492
00:27:06,001 --> 00:27:07,169
It's like wildfire.
493
00:27:07,711 --> 00:27:10,923
So you're saying
I shouldn't really have sex?
494
00:27:11,089 --> 00:27:14,802
I should just say I had sex
with someone. A girl.
495
00:27:14,968 --> 00:27:17,346
Yes. Yes.
496
00:27:24,770 --> 00:27:26,355
Oh, no.
497
00:27:26,605 --> 00:27:29,733
- Wai... Just...
- Oh, no, no, no.
498
00:27:30,317 --> 00:27:33,028
- No way! No way!
- Just wait. Wait, wait. Stop it, stop it.
499
00:27:33,195 --> 00:27:35,531
- Absolutely not.
- Think about it. Think about it.
500
00:27:35,697 --> 00:27:37,950
- We could help each other out.
- No.
501
00:27:38,116 --> 00:27:40,702
You wanna maintain
this floozy facade.
502
00:27:40,869 --> 00:27:44,039
I don't wanna get pushed into shit
every day. It's a win-win-win.
503
00:27:44,206 --> 00:27:46,375
How do you know I like
being thought of as a floozy?
504
00:27:46,542 --> 00:27:48,627
Because at least
you're being thought of.
505
00:27:48,794 --> 00:27:51,839
Just one good imaginary bonk.
506
00:27:52,005 --> 00:27:54,550
You are on crack. All right?
And not the good kind.
507
00:27:54,716 --> 00:27:56,051
It doesn't have to be a bonk.
508
00:27:56,218 --> 00:27:58,720
It could be an imaginary butterbean,
lemon squeeze...
509
00:27:58,887 --> 00:28:02,099
- I don't know what any of that means.
- That's because you're a virgin.
510
00:28:02,266 --> 00:28:04,393
You know what?
This is not the answer at all.
511
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,646
- I'll pay you whatever you want.
- I don't want your money, Brandon.
512
00:28:07,813 --> 00:28:09,815
Just do what I did
and make someone up.
513
00:28:09,982 --> 00:28:11,859
Who's going to believe me?
514
00:28:13,652 --> 00:28:17,823
You don't understand how hard it is,
all right? I'm tormented.
515
00:28:17,990 --> 00:28:22,202
And every day at school
is like I'm being suffocated.
516
00:28:22,369 --> 00:28:24,746
And sure, we can sit
and fantasise all we want...
517
00:28:24,913 --> 00:28:27,374
about how things
are gonna be different one day...
518
00:28:27,541 --> 00:28:29,418
but this is today and it sucks.
519
00:28:29,585 --> 00:28:32,796
There's only one way around it.
You were smart enough to think of it.
520
00:28:32,963 --> 00:28:35,549
So please, just help me.
521
00:28:35,716 --> 00:28:39,386
Because I can't take another day
of this. I don't know what I'll do.
522
00:28:47,227 --> 00:28:49,771
I don't do anything half-assed.
All right?
523
00:28:49,938 --> 00:28:51,440
It'll have to be a public event.
524
00:28:51,607 --> 00:28:54,026
Melody Bostic is throwing
a party tomorrow night.
525
00:28:54,192 --> 00:28:58,113
All of your tormentors will be there.
You and I are going together. All right?
526
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:02,451
You have to do everything I say and
tell everyone that I am sensational.
527
00:29:02,618 --> 00:29:05,746
- Thank you so much for doing this.
- Just...
528
00:29:06,371 --> 00:29:09,583
you know, make sure you're ready
to live with the consequences.
529
00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:14,713
- What the hell is a lemon squeeze?
- It's like a backwards melon bag.
530
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:17,925
How don't I know any of this?
531
00:29:19,593 --> 00:29:22,471
The next night was the party
at Melody Bostic's house.
532
00:29:22,638 --> 00:29:24,973
She is the most popular girl
in school.
533
00:29:25,140 --> 00:29:27,684
It's partly because she's pretty
and has perfect hair...
534
00:29:27,851 --> 00:29:30,771
but mostly because her parents
let her have these parties...
535
00:29:30,938 --> 00:29:33,398
every time she catches them
doing it in the pool...
536
00:29:33,565 --> 00:29:36,693
which is every week, apparently.
537
00:29:36,860 --> 00:29:39,821
Brandon and I showed up
when it was in full swing.
538
00:29:39,988 --> 00:29:43,116
I borrowed a dress from my mom,
Brandon borrowed a jacket from me...
539
00:29:43,283 --> 00:29:45,202
and we put on a little show.
540
00:29:45,369 --> 00:29:48,038
Hey, Olive and Brandon.
541
00:29:48,205 --> 00:29:49,498
What's up?
542
00:29:49,665 --> 00:29:53,043
I hope you don't mind, but we had
a few pre-cocktail-party cocktails...
543
00:29:53,210 --> 00:29:56,296
like, before the cocktail party
with cocktails.
544
00:29:58,048 --> 00:30:01,134
Listen, here's the sitch,
Melody Bostic.
545
00:30:01,885 --> 00:30:05,931
Brandon was just in the middle
of telling me this really funny thing...
546
00:30:06,098 --> 00:30:07,265
which is really funny.
547
00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:11,228
And I was wondering if there's,
like, a room where we could go...
548
00:30:11,395 --> 00:30:14,690
where he could finish telling me
that thing that's funny...
549
00:30:14,856 --> 00:30:16,149
if you know what I mean.
550
00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:17,609
You can use my room.
551
00:30:18,777 --> 00:30:20,529
Down the hall to the left.
552
00:30:21,780 --> 00:30:24,032
Cool.
553
00:30:25,158 --> 00:30:27,285
Is that Olive with Brandon?
554
00:30:27,452 --> 00:30:29,371
I know. What the hell, right?
555
00:30:29,538 --> 00:30:31,248
You guys are my buddies.
556
00:30:31,415 --> 00:30:33,041
I'm drunk, bitches. What's up?
557
00:30:33,208 --> 00:30:34,710
I love your room!
558
00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:37,212
My sheets. Put a towel down.
559
00:30:37,379 --> 00:30:41,091
- Olive's gonna do a gay dude.
- Thanks. Close the shades.
560
00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:47,305
- What are you doing?
- Relax.
561
00:30:47,472 --> 00:30:51,143
Jesus, what is with you gays? Are you
really that repulsed by lady parts?
562
00:30:51,309 --> 00:30:53,562
What do you think I have down there,
a gnome?
563
00:30:59,568 --> 00:31:03,655
So nice. What is that, lavender?
It's pretty.
564
00:31:03,822 --> 00:31:06,533
What are you doing? Can you...?
Can you come here, please?
565
00:31:06,700 --> 00:31:08,869
Jacket off. Come on.
566
00:31:09,036 --> 00:31:12,664
All right. Come on.
Chop-chop. All right.
567
00:31:12,831 --> 00:31:15,208
Now grunt.
Grunt and make it convincing.
568
00:31:17,127 --> 00:31:19,921
I said grunt, not whine. Just grunt.
569
00:31:24,092 --> 00:31:26,595
Moan, you know? Like, sex noises.
570
00:31:28,597 --> 00:31:29,765
God, you are pathetic.
571
00:31:37,564 --> 00:31:39,441
Good. Good.
572
00:31:41,777 --> 00:31:44,154
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
573
00:31:44,362 --> 00:31:46,114
Oh, yeah.
574
00:31:46,281 --> 00:31:48,575
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
575
00:31:52,579 --> 00:31:55,248
- You don't have to be so aggressive.
- You don't like that?
576
00:31:55,415 --> 00:31:57,459
- No, I don't like that.
- You don't like that?
577
00:31:57,626 --> 00:31:58,919
How about that?
578
00:31:59,086 --> 00:32:00,921
- Little better.
- Yeah, you like that.
579
00:32:01,088 --> 00:32:02,798
I like that.
580
00:32:02,964 --> 00:32:05,926
- This guy, he's gay, no?
- I think he's gay.
581
00:32:06,093 --> 00:32:08,595
- Don't stop!
- Keep going.
582
00:32:08,762 --> 00:32:10,972
- Don't stop.
- I'm not gonna stop.
583
00:32:11,139 --> 00:32:12,432
I'm not gonna stop.
584
00:32:12,599 --> 00:32:13,975
Now you try. You try.
585
00:32:14,142 --> 00:32:18,313
I'm gonna turn you around
and take you from the back.
586
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,982
That's not gonna make people
think you're straight.
587
00:32:21,149 --> 00:32:25,320
Never mind that gayness
because I'm a straight guy. Roar!
588
00:32:28,824 --> 00:32:31,326
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
589
00:32:31,493 --> 00:32:33,662
- That's awesome! That's perfect!
- Yeah!
590
00:32:33,829 --> 00:32:35,455
That's what I'm talking about!
591
00:32:35,831 --> 00:32:38,959
Do you smell that?
Do you smell us?
592
00:32:39,835 --> 00:32:41,837
Did he just say it smelled?
593
00:32:43,672 --> 00:32:45,006
Isn't it supposed to smell?
594
00:32:45,173 --> 00:32:46,967
You're not supposed
to comment on it.
595
00:32:47,134 --> 00:32:51,596
- It doesn't really smell that bad.
- Oh, yeah. Yes, God!
596
00:32:51,763 --> 00:32:54,808
- Don't stop. Yeah!
- Don't stop. It's too much fun.
597
00:32:54,975 --> 00:32:57,102
- You ready for the grand finale?
- Yeah. What?
598
00:32:58,728 --> 00:33:02,566
Oh, yeah.
599
00:33:02,858 --> 00:33:03,942
Yeah.
600
00:33:07,988 --> 00:33:09,990
Come on.
601
00:33:10,157 --> 00:33:11,825
Oh, my God.
602
00:33:14,452 --> 00:33:17,664
Go forth, my son.
You're a man now.
603
00:33:19,207 --> 00:33:20,333
Hey.
604
00:33:21,835 --> 00:33:23,003
Thank you.
605
00:33:26,131 --> 00:33:29,134
Seriously, thanks.
606
00:33:37,809 --> 00:33:38,852
- Here.
- What is this?
607
00:33:39,186 --> 00:33:40,270
Evidence.
608
00:33:45,442 --> 00:33:48,653
What's up?
609
00:33:53,575 --> 00:33:55,202
Hey, man.
610
00:33:55,744 --> 00:33:56,745
How was she?
611
00:33:56,912 --> 00:34:02,000
Well, well, let's just say
I'll be walking funny tomorrow.
612
00:34:02,167 --> 00:34:04,002
What?
613
00:34:04,669 --> 00:34:07,255
- I'm drunk. What's up, bitches?
- Yeah!
614
00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:21,770
- Whoa, hey.
- Todd, hi.
615
00:34:21,937 --> 00:34:24,397
I thought you were at
your cousin's rehearsal dinner.
616
00:34:24,564 --> 00:34:27,275
It was a quick rehearsal.
I only had one line.
617
00:34:27,943 --> 00:34:28,944
That was a joke.
618
00:34:29,986 --> 00:34:31,571
I know.
619
00:34:31,821 --> 00:34:33,865
Yeah, sorry. How's it going?
620
00:34:34,658 --> 00:34:36,785
You know, I'm...
621
00:34:37,327 --> 00:34:39,120
- I'm here.
- Can I get you a beer?
622
00:34:39,287 --> 00:34:41,623
That rhymed. I liked it.
623
00:34:42,082 --> 00:34:43,541
Yeah.
624
00:34:52,884 --> 00:34:54,970
- I'm gonna go.
- You sure?
625
00:34:55,136 --> 00:34:59,140
- Yeah. Bye.
- See you at the salt mines.
626
00:34:59,474 --> 00:35:01,142
Maybe this is gonna sound stupid...
627
00:35:01,309 --> 00:35:04,729
and, believe me, it's not like
I was expecting, you know, fireworks...
628
00:35:04,896 --> 00:35:07,440
or a string quartet or anything...
629
00:35:08,358 --> 00:35:11,027
but I always thought pretending
to lose my virginity...
630
00:35:11,194 --> 00:35:12,946
would be a little more...
631
00:35:13,113 --> 00:35:15,240
I don't know, special?
632
00:35:16,324 --> 00:35:19,035
Judy Blume should've
prepared me for that.
633
00:35:26,668 --> 00:35:28,128
That is so beautiful.
634
00:35:28,295 --> 00:35:29,754
Never had one lesson.
635
00:35:29,921 --> 00:35:32,382
That boy from yesterday
just dropped this off for you.
636
00:35:32,549 --> 00:35:36,803
Well, put it in the pile of gifts
from my other suitors.
637
00:35:36,970 --> 00:35:39,764
- Thanks.
- He seems like a nice kid.
638
00:35:39,931 --> 00:35:41,975
He seemed a little incredibly gay.
639
00:35:42,142 --> 00:35:44,602
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual,
that boy is.
640
00:35:44,769 --> 00:35:48,023
I just want you to know
your father and I are totally supportive.
641
00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:50,567
We love you no matter
what the sexual orientation...
642
00:35:50,734 --> 00:35:52,444
of your opposite-sex sex partner.
643
00:35:52,610 --> 00:35:53,862
We're not dating, Mom.
644
00:35:54,029 --> 00:35:56,823
And don't worry about
not making us grandparents...
645
00:35:56,990 --> 00:35:59,909
although we were kind of hoping
you'd get knocked up...
646
00:36:00,076 --> 00:36:02,454
so we'd have a second shot
at raising kids.
647
00:36:02,620 --> 00:36:04,831
Really do it right this time.
648
00:36:04,998 --> 00:36:08,168
- Bye now.
- I dated a homosexual once.
649
00:36:08,335 --> 00:36:11,546
For a long time, actually.
A long time.
650
00:36:11,713 --> 00:36:15,425
Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you did
not marry and have children with him.
651
00:36:15,592 --> 00:36:17,135
No.
652
00:36:17,302 --> 00:36:18,345
No, no, no.
653
00:36:18,511 --> 00:36:20,555
Your father is as straight
as they come.
654
00:36:20,722 --> 00:36:23,058
A little too straight,
if you know what I mean.
655
00:36:23,224 --> 00:36:25,727
I don't. Can you shut the door, please?
656
00:36:28,855 --> 00:36:31,441
Okay, door's right over there.
Keep going.
657
00:36:31,608 --> 00:36:35,987
- Take it down.
- Go take that out to Dad. Nice.
658
00:36:42,619 --> 00:36:46,748
"Just in case you don't shop at Target.
Then you can go screw yourself.
659
00:36:46,915 --> 00:36:48,500
Brandon."
660
00:36:56,591 --> 00:36:57,634
Hi, Rhi.
661
00:36:57,801 --> 00:37:01,054
Is it true you got with Brandon
at Melody Dipshit's party?
662
00:37:01,805 --> 00:37:03,640
Is that what people
are saying happened?
663
00:37:03,807 --> 00:37:06,768
That's what everyone
is saying happened.
664
00:37:06,935 --> 00:37:09,813
Well, then I guess that...
I guess that's true.
665
00:37:09,979 --> 00:37:12,899
Just because you lost your virginity
doesn't mean you can go...
666
00:37:13,066 --> 00:37:16,778
- throwing your cat at everybody.
- I'm not throwing my cat at everybody.
667
00:37:16,945 --> 00:37:19,948
I had to hear from Jackie Rudetsky.
668
00:37:20,115 --> 00:37:21,783
Do you know
how embarrassing that is?
669
00:37:21,950 --> 00:37:26,287
Finding out you slept with some
gay dude from Jackie Rudetsky?
670
00:37:26,454 --> 00:37:27,831
Must've been embarrassing.
671
00:37:27,997 --> 00:37:29,749
Why didn't you tell me
you were going?
672
00:37:29,916 --> 00:37:31,918
I would've come with
and held your hair.
673
00:37:32,085 --> 00:37:34,212
Are you really making this
about you right now?
674
00:37:34,379 --> 00:37:37,966
- You're starting to get a reputation.
- You're coming off as a little pious.
675
00:37:38,133 --> 00:37:39,843
You're pissing me off
more than usual.
676
00:37:40,009 --> 00:37:41,970
I think it's a best friend's duty...
677
00:37:42,137 --> 00:37:46,474
to let her know that everyone, and
I do mean everyone, is calling her...
678
00:37:46,641 --> 00:37:48,226
a dirty skank.
679
00:37:48,768 --> 00:37:52,147
Well, do you think I'm a dirty skank?
680
00:37:52,313 --> 00:37:55,233
You know, I didn't wanna believe it,
but I guess it's true.
681
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:58,153
That is your identifier.
682
00:37:58,319 --> 00:38:00,738
And you're a jealous virgin.
683
00:38:00,905 --> 00:38:02,073
So...
684
00:38:03,950 --> 00:38:05,994
People thought I was a dirty skank?
685
00:38:06,161 --> 00:38:09,330
Fine, I'd be the dirtiest skank
they'd ever seen.
686
00:38:31,686 --> 00:38:33,354
Shit.
687
00:38:38,193 --> 00:38:41,446
Is everything all right? It sounds like
you're having sex in here...
688
00:38:41,613 --> 00:38:45,200
which can't be true, due to the fact
that you have a homosexual boyfriend.
689
00:38:45,366 --> 00:38:47,785
He's not my boyfriend.
690
00:38:47,952 --> 00:38:51,664
Hey, no judgement.
All God's children. It's fine.
691
00:38:51,831 --> 00:38:54,542
I was gay once for a while.
692
00:38:54,709 --> 00:38:57,879
No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.
693
00:38:58,046 --> 00:38:59,964
Dad, can you just
shut the door, please?
694
00:39:00,131 --> 00:39:01,216
You all right, buddy?
695
00:39:03,510 --> 00:39:05,053
Yeah.
696
00:39:06,054 --> 00:39:07,639
Give them hell.
697
00:39:52,934 --> 00:39:54,769
- Hey, Anson.
- Hey.
698
00:39:54,936 --> 00:40:00,441
I just realised the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."
699
00:40:01,067 --> 00:40:03,444
What's a...? What's an anagram?
700
00:40:03,778 --> 00:40:04,904
Look it up, big boy.
701
00:40:06,114 --> 00:40:07,448
What's your problem?
702
00:40:07,615 --> 00:40:09,200
You wanna know
what my problem is?
703
00:40:09,367 --> 00:40:13,204
No. That was a rhetorical question.
I don't wanna know anything from you.
704
00:40:13,371 --> 00:40:15,373
We are not friends anymore.
705
00:40:15,540 --> 00:40:17,333
We are officially over.
706
00:40:17,500 --> 00:40:18,960
Oh, rats.
707
00:40:19,127 --> 00:40:23,339
I want my Juicy sweatshirt back. It was
too loose around your chest anyway.
708
00:40:23,506 --> 00:40:25,550
Burn.
709
00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,635
- Stop.
- What?
710
00:40:47,322 --> 00:40:48,990
What are you doing?
711
00:40:50,158 --> 00:40:51,784
Nothing.
712
00:40:55,455 --> 00:40:57,957
Don't forget, tomorrow's Earth Day.
713
00:40:58,666 --> 00:41:02,337
Guys, we have a problem:
Olive Penderghast.
714
00:41:02,503 --> 00:41:04,172
- We need to pray for her.
- Amen.
715
00:41:04,339 --> 00:41:06,924
But we also need to
get her the hell out of here.
716
00:41:07,091 --> 00:41:08,134
Amen.
717
00:41:08,301 --> 00:41:10,511
You heard what happened
at Melody Bostic's.
718
00:41:10,678 --> 00:41:13,556
- I was there. I heard the whole thing.
- That's not something...
719
00:41:13,723 --> 00:41:16,684
- you need to advertise, Kurt.
- Sorry. But I was.
720
00:41:16,851 --> 00:41:21,022
I tried to witness to her, but this girl
is defiant to any type of help.
721
00:41:21,189 --> 00:41:23,858
Anybody here think they can
talk to her, get her to see...
722
00:41:24,025 --> 00:41:26,069
what she's doing is wrong?
723
00:41:28,696 --> 00:41:31,949
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry, you guys. This is so stupid.
724
00:41:32,116 --> 00:41:35,453
No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.
725
00:41:35,620 --> 00:41:36,704
- It's real.
- Yeah, it is.
726
00:41:36,871 --> 00:41:38,748
Jesus tells us to love everyone.
727
00:41:38,915 --> 00:41:43,503
I mean, even the whores and
the homosexuals, but it's just so hard.
728
00:41:43,670 --> 00:41:48,216
It's so hard because they keep
doing it over and over again.
729
00:41:49,592 --> 00:41:50,968
Make me a promise.
730
00:41:51,135 --> 00:41:53,721
Make God a promise,
right here and right now...
731
00:41:53,888 --> 00:41:56,849
that we will remain
pure and chaste until marriage.
732
00:41:57,016 --> 00:41:58,059
We promise.
733
00:41:58,226 --> 00:42:01,562
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
734
00:42:01,729 --> 00:42:06,109
I love you guys. God loves you guys.
Now, let's change lives today.
735
00:42:06,275 --> 00:42:08,319
- Micah?
- Let's do it.
736
00:42:32,885 --> 00:42:35,054
I didn't know what they
were so upset about.
737
00:42:35,221 --> 00:42:38,099
I put an A on my wardrobe
just like they asked.
738
00:42:38,266 --> 00:42:41,602
Maybe it was because I was wearing
clothes that were two sizes too small.
739
00:42:41,769 --> 00:42:43,104
Hey, Olive!
740
00:42:45,314 --> 00:42:47,984
You left your glass slipper
at the party the other night.
741
00:42:48,151 --> 00:42:51,404
Yeah, and I got pumpkin
all over my dress too.
742
00:42:52,405 --> 00:42:54,782
Nice. Solid joke.
743
00:42:54,949 --> 00:42:57,493
It sucks because we could've
revisited Melody's bedroom.
744
00:42:57,660 --> 00:42:59,746
Oh, my God,
that was Melody Bostic's house.
745
00:42:59,912 --> 00:43:02,623
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you remember that.
746
00:43:02,790 --> 00:43:06,294
Well, yeah, come on. Who doesn't
remember their first almost-kiss?
747
00:43:08,963 --> 00:43:10,423
Hey, Olive.
748
00:43:10,590 --> 00:43:12,300
Evan. Hey, what's rocking?
749
00:43:12,467 --> 00:43:13,968
Can I talk to you for a second?
750
00:43:14,135 --> 00:43:15,845
Yeah, what's up?
751
00:43:16,304 --> 00:43:18,848
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.
752
00:43:19,015 --> 00:43:22,810
Oh, well, rest assured,
it was equally as thrilling for me.
753
00:43:22,977 --> 00:43:24,771
No, he told me the truth.
754
00:43:25,897 --> 00:43:28,024
I was just hoping
you could do the same for me?
755
00:43:28,524 --> 00:43:29,942
Goodbye, Evan.
756
00:43:30,109 --> 00:43:32,904
Wait, wait. I can pay you.
757
00:43:33,070 --> 00:43:35,865
I am about six seconds away
from slapping you so hard...
758
00:43:36,032 --> 00:43:39,076
- your teeth will bleed.
- Can you do it in front of everyone?
759
00:43:40,870 --> 00:43:43,372
I don't need your permission,
you know.
760
00:43:45,625 --> 00:43:46,834
What?
761
00:43:47,001 --> 00:43:49,629
I mean, at the rate you're going...
762
00:43:49,796 --> 00:43:51,964
I don't see how people
won't believe it.
763
00:43:52,131 --> 00:43:54,550
- Are you threatening me?
- I'll give you 100 bucks.
764
00:43:54,717 --> 00:43:56,135
You are repugnant.
765
00:43:57,011 --> 00:43:58,387
That's the problem.
766
00:44:00,014 --> 00:44:01,015
Never mind.
767
00:44:02,183 --> 00:44:04,185
I'm sorry I asked.
768
00:44:10,983 --> 00:44:13,069
I knew it wouldn't work.
769
00:44:13,611 --> 00:44:14,946
I'm just a fat piece of shit.
770
00:44:16,489 --> 00:44:18,449
When will high school end already?
771
00:44:24,038 --> 00:44:25,873
Shit.
772
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:30,503
I want a $100 gift card deposited
into my locker by noon tomorrow.
773
00:44:30,670 --> 00:44:33,881
Preferably to the Gap, but I will
also take Amazon.com or OfficeMax.
774
00:44:34,048 --> 00:44:38,052
Actually, make it OfficeMax.
I have my eye on a label maker.
775
00:44:38,219 --> 00:44:40,847
We did not have sex, okay?
776
00:44:41,013 --> 00:44:44,058
I let you fondle my chest,
and it was a glorious moment for you...
777
00:44:44,225 --> 00:44:47,395
unmatched by anything
you've experienced, including cake.
778
00:44:47,562 --> 00:44:48,604
Got it?
779
00:44:49,313 --> 00:44:51,732
Wait a minute.
A hundred bucks for second base?
780
00:44:51,899 --> 00:44:54,360
- Yeah.
- Doesn't that seem a little steep?
781
00:44:54,527 --> 00:44:58,239
Can we throw in, like, some
butt action or some pants rubbing?
782
00:44:58,406 --> 00:45:00,992
- What are you, 9?
- Whatever. Are you in?
783
00:45:03,035 --> 00:45:05,204
- Whatever.
- Deal, then.
784
00:45:05,997 --> 00:45:07,498
Thanks, Olive.
785
00:45:07,665 --> 00:45:09,292
You know, the sad thing is, Evan...
786
00:45:09,458 --> 00:45:13,921
if you'd been a gentleman
and maybe asked me on a date...
787
00:45:14,088 --> 00:45:15,298
I might've said yes.
788
00:45:15,464 --> 00:45:18,092
Really?
Do you wanna go out with me?
789
00:45:18,259 --> 00:45:19,802
Not now I don't, shit-dick.
790
00:45:23,431 --> 00:45:27,101
It should come as no surprise that the
rumour I was soliciting sex for money...
791
00:45:27,268 --> 00:45:29,520
spread around the school
faster than...
792
00:45:29,687 --> 00:45:33,357
Well, faster than the first rumour
about me spread.
793
00:45:36,402 --> 00:45:38,237
Guys, come over here.
794
00:46:04,972 --> 00:46:07,141
She'll do stuff for money.
Around the world...
795
00:46:07,308 --> 00:46:10,478
But for people who knew the truth,
I was open for business.
796
00:46:10,645 --> 00:46:15,107
And whether I liked it or not,
I had a lot of customers.
797
00:46:16,317 --> 00:46:18,653
Phil Lord gave me
100 bucks from Best Buy...
798
00:46:18,819 --> 00:46:22,323
so he could tell people
we hooked up behind the library.
799
00:46:22,490 --> 00:46:25,242
I got $50 from T.J. Maxx
so that Eric Ling could say...
800
00:46:25,409 --> 00:46:28,037
we got it on during Chemistry.
801
00:46:28,371 --> 00:46:31,958
Ninety dollars from Panda Express
so Ryan Dukes could tell people...
802
00:46:32,124 --> 00:46:35,836
I showed him mine,
but he did not show me his.
803
00:46:36,003 --> 00:46:38,297
Chris Miller,
big spender that he is...
804
00:46:38,464 --> 00:46:42,009
gave me $40 worth of movie passes
for my pretend cowbell.
805
00:46:42,176 --> 00:46:44,470
They had an expiration date
and were only good...
806
00:46:44,637 --> 00:46:46,472
at the stupid foreign movie theatre.
807
00:46:46,639 --> 00:46:52,645
Hi. One for
Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.
808
00:46:52,812 --> 00:46:55,773
But even that is better
than Sanjay Chandrasekhar.
809
00:46:55,940 --> 00:47:00,069
Seriously? A coupon? Twenty percent
off to Bath & Body Works?
810
00:47:00,236 --> 00:47:03,406
Is that how much our imaginary tryst
meant to you?
811
00:47:03,781 --> 00:47:05,366
I fake rocked your world.
812
00:47:05,533 --> 00:47:08,035
- It's all I can afford.
- How's that my problem, amigo?
813
00:47:08,202 --> 00:47:11,205
I knew he wasn't Latino,
but for some reason all these shady...
814
00:47:11,372 --> 00:47:13,666
backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.
815
00:47:14,041 --> 00:47:16,168
- Beat it, ese.
- Okay.
816
00:47:16,335 --> 00:47:18,295
Whatever happened to chivalry?
817
00:47:18,462 --> 00:47:21,382
Does it only exist in '80s movies?
818
00:47:21,549 --> 00:47:25,636
I want John Cusack holding
a boombox outside my window.
819
00:47:25,803 --> 00:47:28,431
I wanna ride off on a lawn mower
with Patrick Dempsey.
820
00:47:28,889 --> 00:47:32,685
I want Jake from Sixteen Candles
waiting outside the church for me.
821
00:47:32,852 --> 00:47:35,604
I want Judd Nelson
thrusting his fist into the air...
822
00:47:35,771 --> 00:47:37,231
because he knows he got me.
823
00:47:37,398 --> 00:47:40,359
Just once, I want my life
to be like an '80s movie.
824
00:47:40,943 --> 00:47:43,738
Preferably one with a really awesome
musical number...
825
00:47:43,904 --> 00:47:45,948
for no apparent reason.
826
00:47:46,490 --> 00:47:51,037
But, no. No.
John Hughes did not direct my life.
827
00:47:51,203 --> 00:47:53,998
So instead of all that...
828
00:47:54,165 --> 00:47:57,376
I get to save 15 cents...
829
00:47:57,543 --> 00:48:00,379
on a bottle of Juniper Breeze
Antibacterial Gel.
830
00:48:00,546 --> 00:48:04,842
So if you're still with me,
and I'm hoping that most of you are...
831
00:48:05,009 --> 00:48:07,762
this brings us to part four.
832
00:48:09,263 --> 00:48:12,600
How I, Olive Penderghast,
went from assumed trollop...
833
00:48:12,767 --> 00:48:14,435
to an actual home-wrecker.
834
00:48:16,771 --> 00:48:20,608
- You wanted to see me?
- I did. Why don't you come in here?
835
00:48:28,115 --> 00:48:29,158
What's going on?
836
00:48:29,950 --> 00:48:32,620
- I'm accessorizing.
- Really?
837
00:48:32,787 --> 00:48:36,332
I think you're taking your reading
assignment a little bit too seriously.
838
00:48:36,499 --> 00:48:39,877
Well, I was really hoping
to get an A. Get it?
839
00:48:42,922 --> 00:48:44,298
I'm hearing some rumours.
840
00:48:44,465 --> 00:48:47,676
Well, those are true. I am considering
becoming an existentialist.
841
00:48:47,843 --> 00:48:50,429
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Jeez.
842
00:48:50,596 --> 00:48:54,892
When did teachers become
privy to idle adolescent gossip?
843
00:48:55,059 --> 00:49:00,898
That would be when everyone
is putting everything up on Facebook.
844
00:49:01,065 --> 00:49:03,484
I don't know what
your generation's fascination is...
845
00:49:03,651 --> 00:49:06,028
with documenting
your every thought...
846
00:49:06,195 --> 00:49:09,406
but I can assure you
they're not all diamonds.
847
00:49:09,573 --> 00:49:11,992
"Roman is having an okay day...
848
00:49:12,159 --> 00:49:16,330
and bought a Coke Zero
at the gas station.
849
00:49:16,497 --> 00:49:17,915
Raise the roof."
850
00:49:18,082 --> 00:49:19,333
Who gives a rat's ass?
851
00:49:19,500 --> 00:49:21,836
He got a Coke Zero again?
852
00:49:22,002 --> 00:49:24,171
That Roman. Incorrigible.
853
00:49:24,338 --> 00:49:28,050
Listen, whatever this little act is about,
I just... I'm curious.
854
00:49:28,217 --> 00:49:31,137
I really think you should consider
giving me extra credit...
855
00:49:31,303 --> 00:49:32,596
for going the extra mile.
856
00:49:32,763 --> 00:49:35,766
I'm really attempting to understand
this puritanical ostracism...
857
00:49:35,933 --> 00:49:38,978
- Hawthorne wrote about.
- You are one of the few that read it.
858
00:49:39,145 --> 00:49:41,814
If I read one more paper
from one of your classmates...
859
00:49:41,981 --> 00:49:46,610
who talks about how hot she is in
the bathtub, her fake British accent...
860
00:49:46,777 --> 00:49:50,823
or, is she still married to
Ashton Kutcher, I'm gonna kill myself.
861
00:49:50,990 --> 00:49:53,659
Why don't people just watch
the original movie like I did?
862
00:49:54,243 --> 00:49:55,661
I know you read the book.
863
00:49:56,704 --> 00:49:57,872
I did.
864
00:49:58,038 --> 00:50:01,458
Listen, I want to apologise for
sending you to the principal's office.
865
00:50:01,625 --> 00:50:04,128
Truthfully, and I'll deny it
if you say anything...
866
00:50:04,295 --> 00:50:07,047
I wanted to be cheering
with the rest of the students.
867
00:50:07,214 --> 00:50:09,717
I don't know what it is about Nina.
868
00:50:10,009 --> 00:50:11,635
I hate her.
869
00:50:11,802 --> 00:50:12,845
I won't tell.
870
00:50:13,012 --> 00:50:14,430
- I'll deny it if you do.
- Okay.
871
00:50:14,597 --> 00:50:16,724
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
872
00:50:16,891 --> 00:50:18,517
Stay golden.
873
00:50:18,684 --> 00:50:22,229
- Hi, Mrs. Griffith.
- Hi, you. How are you?
874
00:50:22,396 --> 00:50:24,732
A is for "awesome."
875
00:50:24,899 --> 00:50:26,442
Yeah.
876
00:50:27,067 --> 00:50:28,777
I've never seen that girl before.
877
00:50:28,944 --> 00:50:30,821
That does not surprise me.
878
00:50:30,988 --> 00:50:33,908
But I'm the guidance counsellor.
I should know all the students.
879
00:50:34,074 --> 00:50:36,577
Especially the ones
who dress like prostitutes.
880
00:50:36,744 --> 00:50:39,455
- It's good to see you.
- Hey. How are you? Good.
881
00:50:40,247 --> 00:50:43,918
No, stop. We're at school.
There are rules.
882
00:50:44,084 --> 00:50:46,420
- Windows.
- Yeah, yeah.
883
00:50:46,712 --> 00:50:48,756
Do me a favour, though.
Just talk to her.
884
00:50:48,923 --> 00:50:50,716
I think she's going through a phase.
885
00:50:50,883 --> 00:50:53,427
That's not the girl
everyone's talking about, is it?
886
00:50:53,594 --> 00:50:54,595
It is.
887
00:50:54,762 --> 00:50:57,389
Oh, okay. Oh, this'll be good.
All right.
888
00:50:57,556 --> 00:51:00,017
That snotty, Jesus-freak
office aide I have...
889
00:51:00,184 --> 00:51:02,144
has been bitching
about her incessantly.
890
00:51:02,311 --> 00:51:06,607
They're all lies, but she could use
somebody to talk to anyway.
891
00:51:06,774 --> 00:51:09,360
All right. Hey, what are you doing
for dinner tonight?
892
00:51:09,526 --> 00:51:11,070
- You won't be there?
- Sorry.
893
00:51:11,237 --> 00:51:14,281
I have an after-school session.
Kid brought a knife to school.
894
00:51:14,448 --> 00:51:15,741
Well, be careful, all right?
895
00:51:15,908 --> 00:51:18,369
It was a butter knife.
But you know what they say.
896
00:51:18,535 --> 00:51:20,496
You know, it's a gateway knife, so...
897
00:51:20,663 --> 00:51:22,164
- All right, bye.
- Yeah. Bye.
898
00:51:22,331 --> 00:51:25,084
I'm thinking about another gateway.
It's a...
899
00:51:27,920 --> 00:51:28,963
Making spaghetti.
900
00:51:29,129 --> 00:51:31,048
- That's great.
- With meat.
901
00:51:31,215 --> 00:51:32,549
Enjoy eating your meat.
902
00:51:32,716 --> 00:51:35,427
- And balls.
- Enjoy eating your balls.
903
00:51:45,312 --> 00:51:46,689
Sharpening your pencils?
904
00:51:48,190 --> 00:51:49,608
Getting them nice and sharp?
905
00:51:50,276 --> 00:51:54,571
Sharpening them up? Look at you.
Look at you. So sharp.
906
00:51:54,738 --> 00:51:57,032
Sharpening those pencils.
Sharp, sharp, sharp.
907
00:51:57,491 --> 00:52:00,327
- God, that's sharp. I...
- Hey, Olive. You ready to come in?
908
00:52:03,330 --> 00:52:04,373
Good job.
909
00:52:04,540 --> 00:52:07,126
Well, the reason I called you in
was just so we could...
910
00:52:07,293 --> 00:52:10,170
sort of, you know, just chat
about what's going on.
911
00:52:10,337 --> 00:52:12,965
You know, there is concern
from a few faculty members.
912
00:52:13,132 --> 00:52:14,633
Your husband.
913
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:17,303
Olive, you're attempting
to make a statement.
914
00:52:17,469 --> 00:52:20,681
I'm just a little confused
as to what exactly that is.
915
00:52:21,307 --> 00:52:22,349
Am I in trouble?
916
00:52:22,516 --> 00:52:24,977
Because, pursuant
to the student code of conduct...
917
00:52:25,144 --> 00:52:27,813
my hemline has never been
higher than my fingertips.
918
00:52:27,980 --> 00:52:29,315
No, you're not in trouble.
919
00:52:29,481 --> 00:52:31,025
I wanted to make sure you knew...
920
00:52:31,191 --> 00:52:33,569
if there's something
that you wanna talk about...
921
00:52:33,736 --> 00:52:35,529
you know, you can trust me.
922
00:52:35,696 --> 00:52:39,658
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?
923
00:52:40,701 --> 00:52:43,078
Yeah. I'm... See?
I'm the guidance counsellor.
924
00:52:43,245 --> 00:52:44,621
That's what I do.
925
00:52:45,039 --> 00:52:47,041
I mean, I have a reputation to uphold.
926
00:52:47,207 --> 00:52:48,375
Don't you, though?
927
00:52:50,878 --> 00:52:54,882
All right, listen, don't tell anyone
I'm doing this, please.
928
00:52:55,049 --> 00:52:56,175
Here you go.
929
00:52:56,342 --> 00:52:58,218
- Here you go.
- I really don't need those.
930
00:52:58,385 --> 00:53:01,764
Oh, you really do. Here you go.
931
00:53:01,930 --> 00:53:03,515
Here you go. Okay?
932
00:53:03,682 --> 00:53:07,436
I just don't want this thing you're
going through to define your life.
933
00:53:07,603 --> 00:53:09,313
Olive, do what you gotta do. Okay?
934
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:13,984
Let your freak flag fly. Just make sure
you have an exit strategy.
935
00:53:14,735 --> 00:53:18,113
Listen, Mrs. Griffith, I really...
I don't need these.
936
00:53:18,280 --> 00:53:20,699
The pill is not 100 percent effective.
937
00:53:20,866 --> 00:53:22,659
Ask some of your friends' parents.
938
00:53:23,702 --> 00:53:25,412
Thank you for coming in.
939
00:53:28,749 --> 00:53:32,002
Can you just send in the next person?
Thank you.
940
00:53:35,631 --> 00:53:37,257
You're up, hoss.
941
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:40,344
Okay. Go. It's all right.
942
00:53:42,596 --> 00:53:44,890
Everything's gonna be okay.
943
00:53:51,355 --> 00:53:54,900
Don't you think it's a little strange
that your boyfriend is 22 years old...
944
00:53:55,067 --> 00:53:58,195
- and still in high school?
- Not that it's any of your business...
945
00:53:58,362 --> 00:53:59,738
but he is here by choice.
946
00:53:59,905 --> 00:54:03,867
It's his choice he's a fourth-year senior
that can't pass any test he takes?
947
00:54:04,034 --> 00:54:06,370
His choice. His? His?
948
00:54:06,537 --> 00:54:07,579
Capital H?
949
00:54:07,746 --> 00:54:11,250
If God wanted him to graduate, God
would've given him the right answers.
950
00:54:14,628 --> 00:54:17,172
I'm sorry.
You gotta be shitting me, woman.
951
00:54:17,631 --> 00:54:20,092
Okay. So why was he blubbering
like a baby?
952
00:54:21,176 --> 00:54:24,763
- Is he struggling with his sexuality?
- No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch.
953
00:54:24,930 --> 00:54:28,058
His parents are
going through a divorce.
954
00:54:31,478 --> 00:54:33,272
Okay.
955
00:54:40,070 --> 00:54:44,825
You know,
sometimes our boyfriend's parents...
956
00:54:44,992 --> 00:54:46,452
they get divorced, you know?
957
00:54:46,618 --> 00:54:50,581
And it's important to remember
it's not your fault.
958
00:54:50,747 --> 00:54:51,790
So I gotta go.
959
00:54:53,167 --> 00:54:57,713
But they go to our church.
What will people say?
960
00:55:02,009 --> 00:55:06,346
How long do these embraces usually
last? Because I gotta go, but I...
961
00:55:06,513 --> 00:55:09,183
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, I'm gonna be okay.
962
00:55:09,349 --> 00:55:11,059
Mrs. Griffith is amazing...
963
00:55:11,226 --> 00:55:14,980
and she's gonna help Micah,
and everything's gonna be okay.
964
00:55:16,106 --> 00:55:19,818
See? All right, that's the spirit.
Everything's gonna be okay.
965
00:55:19,985 --> 00:55:21,653
Okay.
966
00:55:26,074 --> 00:55:28,994
Wait. Why are you even
being so nice to me?
967
00:55:31,079 --> 00:55:32,998
I did it.
968
00:55:34,041 --> 00:55:35,125
I got through to you.
969
00:55:38,212 --> 00:55:41,131
I'm so sorry about everything I said.
I am so, so sorry.
970
00:55:41,298 --> 00:55:45,511
I mean, I really want us to be friends.
Can we please be friends?
971
00:55:46,345 --> 00:55:47,471
Absolutely.
972
00:55:50,641 --> 00:55:53,894
And for a day,
we were actually really good friends.
973
00:55:54,061 --> 00:55:56,980
I was kind of starting to think
things were gonna turn around.
974
00:55:57,147 --> 00:55:58,941
Olive!
975
00:55:59,107 --> 00:56:01,527
- Friend.
- Hey, friend.
976
00:56:01,693 --> 00:56:03,403
- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you more.
977
00:56:03,570 --> 00:56:06,740
She texted me in first period.
978
00:56:14,122 --> 00:56:16,833
By second period,
we apparently had private jokes.
979
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:19,211
Olive. Olive.
980
00:56:22,881 --> 00:56:25,133
Tragedy struck in Wood Shop.
981
00:56:25,300 --> 00:56:27,427
It wasn't because
someone sawed off a thumb...
982
00:56:27,594 --> 00:56:29,096
which has happened.
983
00:56:29,263 --> 00:56:32,140
Micah is in the hospital.
He is in so much pain.
984
00:56:32,307 --> 00:56:35,435
The nurse didn't know
what was wrong.
985
00:56:36,103 --> 00:56:38,105
There, there.
986
00:56:45,237 --> 00:56:47,489
It hurts so bad, Mommy.
987
00:56:47,656 --> 00:56:50,242
Well, it's just what I thought.
Chlamydia.
988
00:56:50,534 --> 00:56:51,868
No.
989
00:56:52,035 --> 00:56:55,622
Who have you been screwing?
Tell me.
990
00:56:55,789 --> 00:56:59,793
Tell me now
or I will kill you right here.
991
00:57:00,168 --> 00:57:03,297
Olive. Olive Penderghast!
992
00:57:06,592 --> 00:57:09,219
Olive. Olive Penderghast.
993
00:57:09,386 --> 00:57:11,722
I have to call you back.
Okay. Bye-bye.
994
00:57:11,888 --> 00:57:14,099
Goddamn it.
995
00:57:16,435 --> 00:57:18,562
Chlamydia?!
996
00:57:20,814 --> 00:57:22,774
That bitch!
997
00:57:24,985 --> 00:57:26,570
- Olive?
- Hey.
998
00:57:28,655 --> 00:57:32,451
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Goddamn it.
999
00:57:34,536 --> 00:57:35,662
I panicked.
1000
00:57:35,829 --> 00:57:38,749
I said I got it
from Olive Penderghast.
1001
00:57:38,915 --> 00:57:42,044
I know, but what was
I supposed to say?
1002
00:57:42,210 --> 00:57:44,880
You know, and then my mom
tells Marianne's mom.
1003
00:57:45,047 --> 00:57:47,716
I did. I tried to blame it
on their divorce...
1004
00:57:47,883 --> 00:57:50,969
but my mom is not buying it.
1005
00:57:51,511 --> 00:57:53,847
That's it. I have to tell them.
1006
00:57:54,014 --> 00:57:58,018
No, I do not care that you
gave me chlamydia. I don't!
1007
00:57:58,226 --> 00:58:02,731
I love you and I want to be with you,
and nobody can stop us.
1008
00:58:02,898 --> 00:58:06,777
Not my mother, not Marianne,
and not even the school board...
1009
00:58:06,943 --> 00:58:09,279
or the president of the Americas!
1010
00:58:10,197 --> 00:58:11,948
Oh, God.
1011
00:58:12,157 --> 00:58:13,867
Oh, God.
1012
00:58:18,872 --> 00:58:21,458
What? What do you want?
What do you want?
1013
00:58:21,625 --> 00:58:23,210
Just go.
1014
00:58:26,463 --> 00:58:28,507
Perfect. Just perfect.
1015
00:58:29,383 --> 00:58:32,302
I'm sorry, I just...
I was looking for Marianne.
1016
00:58:32,469 --> 00:58:34,429
Did she say anything
about being mad at me?
1017
00:58:34,596 --> 00:58:36,390
She just smacked
the bejesus out of me.
1018
00:58:36,556 --> 00:58:39,434
No, that's my fault.
I'm so sorry, Olive. I'm sorry.
1019
00:58:39,601 --> 00:58:43,480
But I messed up, okay?
I just goddamn shit...
1020
00:58:43,647 --> 00:58:48,151
goddamn messed up
really goddamn shit bad.
1021
00:58:48,318 --> 00:58:50,237
Goddamn. Shit, goddamn.
1022
00:58:50,404 --> 00:58:54,533
Okay. Don't get me wrong
because I love it...
1023
00:58:54,700 --> 00:58:58,412
but I don't think you're supposed to
use that language in front of a student.
1024
00:58:58,578 --> 00:59:01,581
You know what else you're not
supposed to do, is sleep with them.
1025
00:59:01,748 --> 00:59:04,000
But that didn't stop me. Goddamn shit.
1026
00:59:04,751 --> 00:59:07,504
Wait. You... Oh, my God.
1027
00:59:07,671 --> 00:59:11,091
But I'm not... I'm not judging
you or anything, but, oh, my God.
1028
00:59:11,258 --> 00:59:15,178
I... Wait, what does that
have to do with me?
1029
00:59:15,345 --> 00:59:17,431
You should know
that my marriage is not great.
1030
00:59:17,597 --> 00:59:19,266
We haven't slept together
in months.
1031
00:59:19,433 --> 00:59:20,475
In months, all right?
1032
00:59:20,642 --> 00:59:24,688
Finally, this great-looking guy comes
in and he's nice to me, you know?
1033
00:59:24,855 --> 00:59:26,064
And he's not a minor.
1034
00:59:26,231 --> 00:59:30,444
This is legal. It's legal
because he's been here forever, okay?
1035
00:59:30,610 --> 00:59:33,405
He's not the sharpest
Christian in the Bible, all right?
1036
00:59:33,572 --> 00:59:36,783
And then he finds out
that he has chlamydia.
1037
00:59:36,950 --> 00:59:39,911
And so then he's telling
everybody that it was you.
1038
00:59:40,078 --> 00:59:41,788
He didn't want me
to lose my job...
1039
00:59:41,955 --> 00:59:45,375
and he doesn't wanna get in trouble
either, so he said it's you.
1040
00:59:45,542 --> 00:59:46,752
I'm sorry.
1041
00:59:47,961 --> 00:59:50,922
But I'll... I'm gonna fix it, Olive.
Okay? I'll tell everyone.
1042
00:59:51,089 --> 00:59:55,969
I'm gonna tell everyone that it's me.
Okay? I'll just... I'll lose my job.
1043
00:59:56,470 --> 00:59:59,806
And, you know, whatever else I lose,
and then that's okay.
1044
01:00:03,477 --> 01:00:06,563
Maybe it was becoming a habit
of mine to help the downtrodden...
1045
01:00:06,730 --> 01:00:08,690
or maybe I just couldn't stand
to see...
1046
01:00:08,857 --> 01:00:10,776
my favourite teacher's
marriage crumble.
1047
01:00:10,942 --> 01:00:13,153
Either way, I decided to help.
1048
01:00:13,653 --> 01:00:15,822
I could have chlamydia.
1049
01:00:17,365 --> 01:00:21,453
I mean, I could have easily given it
to Micah.
1050
01:00:21,620 --> 01:00:23,497
I mean, who knows?
1051
01:00:23,663 --> 01:00:26,583
Women often times
don't show symptoms.
1052
01:00:26,750 --> 01:00:29,085
And the whole world knows
I've been whoring around.
1053
01:00:29,252 --> 01:00:30,796
No, you haven't. No, you haven't.
1054
01:00:30,962 --> 01:00:36,301
Because a real whore can't admit it
to herself, much less others. Trust me.
1055
01:00:39,262 --> 01:00:40,597
Call Micah.
1056
01:00:40,764 --> 01:00:44,142
Tell him he is an ass and
he owes me so big for this, but also...
1057
01:00:44,309 --> 01:00:47,145
tell him I confessed
to giving him chlamydia.
1058
01:00:54,694 --> 01:00:57,197
Getting a lot of hugs today.
1059
01:00:57,823 --> 01:01:00,325
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- Get out of here!
1060
01:01:02,911 --> 01:01:05,205
I guess I shouldn't be too shocked
these people...
1061
01:01:05,372 --> 01:01:07,123
wanted my diseased ass
out of there.
1062
01:01:07,290 --> 01:01:08,333
Save yourself, Olive.
1063
01:01:08,500 --> 01:01:11,336
The funny thing is, the whole time
this all was going down...
1064
01:01:11,503 --> 01:01:14,548
I couldn't help but think
I could've come up with better signs.
1065
01:01:14,714 --> 01:01:16,550
Although you gotta love
the Quiznos guy.
1066
01:01:16,716 --> 01:01:19,886
That's the one thing
that trumps religion: capitalism.
1067
01:01:20,053 --> 01:01:21,471
Why are you doing this?
1068
01:01:21,638 --> 01:01:23,765
I'm trying to make this school
a better place.
1069
01:01:23,932 --> 01:01:26,226
Start a petition to get rid
of the lead paint.
1070
01:01:26,393 --> 01:01:27,727
New Honey Chicken at Quiznos.
1071
01:01:27,894 --> 01:01:30,146
- Not now, Quiznos.
- You're a slut.
1072
01:01:30,313 --> 01:01:31,481
You're going down, Olive.
1073
01:01:31,648 --> 01:01:34,985
If this is because I'm more popular
than you, then I think what you're...
1074
01:01:35,151 --> 01:01:37,654
Let's not mistake popularity
for infamy.
1075
01:01:37,821 --> 01:01:40,699
- You don't wanna burn, do you?
- I'll be praying for you.
1076
01:01:45,745 --> 01:01:47,455
Sorry.
1077
01:01:48,081 --> 01:01:51,585
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.
1078
01:01:51,751 --> 01:01:53,253
Screw all these people, Olive.
1079
01:01:53,420 --> 01:01:55,589
Haven't you heard?
1080
01:01:55,755 --> 01:01:57,924
I already did.
1081
01:01:58,091 --> 01:02:01,094
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- What you're doing is wrong.
1082
01:02:01,428 --> 01:02:03,430
You're going to hell!
1083
01:02:08,268 --> 01:02:10,437
So they got Rhiannon.
1084
01:02:10,604 --> 01:02:13,857
Never underestimate the power
of extremists like Marianne.
1085
01:02:14,024 --> 01:02:17,777
They sense any weakness,
they pounce like jungle cats.
1086
01:02:17,944 --> 01:02:20,697
And the whack pack
just gets bigger and bigger.
1087
01:02:20,864 --> 01:02:22,949
But at least they have a pack.
1088
01:02:23,116 --> 01:02:26,995
I was used to being by myself,
but I had never felt more alone.
1089
01:02:27,162 --> 01:02:30,624
I thought I should look into what they
were running around thumping about.
1090
01:02:30,790 --> 01:02:33,084
- Do you have a religion section?
- It's over there.
1091
01:02:33,251 --> 01:02:35,253
- Can I help you with something?
- The Bible.
1092
01:02:35,420 --> 01:02:38,381
That's in bestsellers,
right next to Twilight.
1093
01:02:40,133 --> 01:02:42,344
I didn't have time
to read the whole thing...
1094
01:02:42,510 --> 01:02:44,054
because it's, like, 600 pages.
1095
01:02:44,220 --> 01:02:45,722
Single-spaced.
1096
01:02:45,889 --> 01:02:48,475
And as every war
that's ever been fought can tell you...
1097
01:02:48,642 --> 01:02:50,644
there are many ways
you can interpret it.
1098
01:02:50,810 --> 01:02:53,772
Except the Civil War.
That was pure racism.
1099
01:02:53,939 --> 01:02:55,273
So I went to find an expert.
1100
01:02:55,815 --> 01:02:59,819
But really, I just kind of
wanted someone to talk to.
1101
01:03:01,154 --> 01:03:04,824
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
1102
01:03:05,325 --> 01:03:07,243
I think that's how you
start these things.
1103
01:03:07,410 --> 01:03:09,663
I'm just going off
what I've seen in movies.
1104
01:03:09,829 --> 01:03:11,873
Where do I even start?
1105
01:03:13,083 --> 01:03:16,294
I've been pretending to be...
1106
01:03:16,461 --> 01:03:18,338
What is the Catholic way
of phrasing this?
1107
01:03:18,505 --> 01:03:20,340
A harlot?
1108
01:03:21,508 --> 01:03:25,178
A harlot. It's not that
I've actually been doing...
1109
01:03:25,345 --> 01:03:29,015
the things that people have
been saying I've been doing...
1110
01:03:29,182 --> 01:03:31,309
but then again,
I'm not denying them either.
1111
01:03:31,476 --> 01:03:34,896
So I was just wondering,
is that wrong?
1112
01:03:35,522 --> 01:03:40,026
It's just that a lot of people
have been asking me to do things...
1113
01:03:40,193 --> 01:03:46,366
and I thought it was okay
because it wasn't real, you know?
1114
01:03:48,118 --> 01:03:50,286
It was make-believe.
1115
01:03:50,453 --> 01:03:52,872
And no one was getting hurt...
1116
01:03:56,668 --> 01:03:59,754
but a lot of people hate me now.
1117
01:04:03,299 --> 01:04:05,760
I kind of hate me too.
1118
01:04:11,725 --> 01:04:13,935
I might be wrong...
1119
01:04:14,728 --> 01:04:16,730
but aren't you
supposed to say something?
1120
01:04:16,896 --> 01:04:18,940
Tell me to say 10 Hail Marys,
pay a fine...
1121
01:04:19,107 --> 01:04:21,609
advance token to nearest railroad?
Hello?
1122
01:04:23,903 --> 01:04:25,405
Should've seen that one coming.
1123
01:04:32,328 --> 01:04:35,707
Luckily, I live in a town
with many different places of worship.
1124
01:04:35,874 --> 01:04:38,418
So I went to find one
with a real live human being.
1125
01:04:38,835 --> 01:04:39,878
Can I help you?
1126
01:04:40,045 --> 01:04:42,672
Yeah, I was just wondering
if there's a minister around.
1127
01:04:43,339 --> 01:04:45,300
Is it not a minister?
1128
01:04:45,467 --> 01:04:47,510
A Reverend? A wizard?
1129
01:04:47,677 --> 01:04:49,554
It's a pastor, and he's here.
1130
01:04:51,181 --> 01:04:52,599
How can I help you today?
1131
01:04:52,766 --> 01:04:56,102
I was wondering what your church's
stance on lying and adultery was.
1132
01:04:56,269 --> 01:04:57,270
It's not a good thing.
1133
01:04:57,437 --> 01:05:01,775
Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly.
But, then... Now, tell me this.
1134
01:05:01,941 --> 01:05:03,359
Assuming there is a hell...
1135
01:05:03,526 --> 01:05:06,654
Oh, the Christian Church recognizes
the existence of hell.
1136
01:05:06,821 --> 01:05:09,115
Okay, so we'll just say
there's a "hell."
1137
01:05:09,282 --> 01:05:11,409
There is. Just so we're clear.
1138
01:05:11,576 --> 01:05:15,080
- Okay. So for argument's sake...
- No, there's no argument. It's there.
1139
01:05:15,246 --> 01:05:18,833
Right below our feet,
right above the Orient. It's there.
1140
01:05:21,086 --> 01:05:24,756
Then what would be worse,
lying or adultery?
1141
01:05:24,923 --> 01:05:27,634
Or is lying about adultery
just like double whammy? Sorry.
1142
01:05:27,801 --> 01:05:29,302
Come on.
1143
01:05:32,222 --> 01:05:34,140
I'm sorry,
what did you say your name was?
1144
01:05:34,849 --> 01:05:38,311
I didn't. I... You know what?
I'm just gonna...
1145
01:05:38,478 --> 01:05:40,814
I'm just gonna go check out
Judaism because...
1146
01:05:40,980 --> 01:05:42,982
- God. Two frames, really?
- Sorry.
1147
01:05:43,149 --> 01:05:45,276
The Jews and I have a lot in common.
1148
01:05:45,443 --> 01:05:48,196
- Just fashion-wise and stuff.
- Off you go.
1149
01:05:48,363 --> 01:05:51,407
Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father...
1150
01:05:51,574 --> 01:05:53,660
of the leader of my lynch mob.
1151
01:05:53,827 --> 01:05:58,957
What other complete and total idiot
can say that's happened to them?
1152
01:06:01,793 --> 01:06:05,255
Okay, I've narrowed it down
to The Other Boleyn Girl...
1153
01:06:05,421 --> 01:06:08,091
or The Bucket List. Huge hit.
1154
01:06:08,258 --> 01:06:11,177
Why can't we watch a movie for kids?
You always get to pick.
1155
01:06:11,344 --> 01:06:15,014
Because the Family Member
of the Week gets to pick the movie.
1156
01:06:15,181 --> 01:06:17,767
Yeah, but you get Family Member
of the Week every week.
1157
01:06:17,934 --> 01:06:19,435
And there's a reason for that.
1158
01:06:19,602 --> 01:06:22,272
Yeah. You pick
Family Member of the Week.
1159
01:06:22,438 --> 01:06:23,940
Are you accusing me of nepotism?
1160
01:06:24,107 --> 01:06:27,652
Okay, it's The Bucket List.
This is it. This is the greatest decision.
1161
01:06:27,819 --> 01:06:30,947
I'm so happy with this decision.
That's what it's going to be.
1162
01:06:31,114 --> 01:06:34,075
All right, now, honey, after we watch
The Bucket List...
1163
01:06:34,242 --> 01:06:38,788
remember to cross "Watch
The Bucket List" off our bucket list.
1164
01:06:38,955 --> 01:06:39,998
Guys.
1165
01:06:40,165 --> 01:06:45,295
I want you to know that if you hear
I have chlamydia, that is totally false.
1166
01:06:45,461 --> 01:06:47,964
Olive, do we need
to have the talk again?
1167
01:06:48,131 --> 01:06:50,508
No. It's just a thing
that's going around.
1168
01:06:50,675 --> 01:06:53,553
You know, nothing you're saying
is making me feel any better.
1169
01:06:53,720 --> 01:06:56,389
Not to mention how you've been
dressing the last few days.
1170
01:06:56,556 --> 01:06:58,433
No judgement,
but you look like a stripper.
1171
01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:01,060
- Mom.
- A high-end stripper.
1172
01:07:01,227 --> 01:07:02,854
For governors or athletes.
1173
01:07:03,021 --> 01:07:04,355
But stripper, nonetheless.
1174
01:07:04,522 --> 01:07:07,192
Oh, my God.
I'm just trying to mix it up a little.
1175
01:07:07,358 --> 01:07:09,152
And I have no STDs, I promise you.
1176
01:07:09,319 --> 01:07:11,779
Oh, that's great.
Daughter of the Year.
1177
01:07:11,946 --> 01:07:13,740
If you hear anything
to the contrary...
1178
01:07:13,907 --> 01:07:16,117
come up with some funny retort
and walk away.
1179
01:07:16,284 --> 01:07:19,078
Honey, you're kind of
starting to worry us a little.
1180
01:07:19,245 --> 01:07:21,247
Should we be kind of
worried a little?
1181
01:07:21,414 --> 01:07:23,249
I don't think so.
1182
01:07:23,416 --> 01:07:26,377
- You sure?
- Yeah.
1183
01:07:26,628 --> 01:07:29,422
Yeah. I got it all under control.
1184
01:07:30,632 --> 01:07:31,674
- Okay.
- Okay.
1185
01:07:31,841 --> 01:07:34,010
Then let's Bucket List this bitch.
1186
01:07:34,177 --> 01:07:36,012
The Bucket List, The Bucket List.
1187
01:07:36,179 --> 01:07:38,556
To say this whole thing
had taken over my life...
1188
01:07:38,723 --> 01:07:41,184
would be
a colossal understatement.
1189
01:07:41,392 --> 01:07:44,604
I actually reread The Scarlet Letter
to see how Hester dealt with it.
1190
01:07:44,771 --> 01:07:49,609
And it turns out she bore
her punishment in humble silence...
1191
01:07:49,776 --> 01:07:52,946
which are two concepts
I am not comfortable with.
1192
01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,323
With all the mythical play
I was getting...
1193
01:07:55,490 --> 01:07:58,493
I still actually hadn't been
asked out on a real date.
1194
01:07:58,660 --> 01:08:01,746
People were jumping up and down
to say they'd slept with me...
1195
01:08:01,913 --> 01:08:04,374
but no one bothered
really trying to sleep with me.
1196
01:08:04,540 --> 01:08:07,460
I was starting to think I actually did
have a gnome down there.
1197
01:08:07,627 --> 01:08:10,004
- Until finally...
- Hey, Olive.
1198
01:08:10,630 --> 01:08:12,382
Hey, Anson. What's up?
1199
01:08:12,548 --> 01:08:14,676
I was wondering
if you were busy tonight.
1200
01:08:14,842 --> 01:08:17,762
Maybe wanna go out or something?
1201
01:08:18,930 --> 01:08:20,390
What did you have in mind?
1202
01:08:20,556 --> 01:08:23,268
I was thinking about getting
a hot-air balloon, you know...
1203
01:08:23,434 --> 01:08:25,144
bringing along some champagne...
1204
01:08:25,311 --> 01:08:28,648
and then possibly reading
some Sylvia Plath.
1205
01:08:28,815 --> 01:08:32,193
Or we could just go
to The Lobster Shack...
1206
01:08:32,360 --> 01:08:34,404
because it's, you know,
a little easier.
1207
01:08:34,570 --> 01:08:37,699
- I love The Lobster Shack.
- Good.
1208
01:08:37,865 --> 01:08:39,325
Okay. It's a date, then.
1209
01:08:40,493 --> 01:08:43,079
- Okay.
- Okay.
1210
01:08:44,789 --> 01:08:47,542
So should I still bring
the Sylvia Plath or...?
1211
01:08:47,709 --> 01:08:49,669
No, we could stick our heads
in the oven...
1212
01:08:49,836 --> 01:08:51,921
if we run out of things
to talk about.
1213
01:08:52,672 --> 01:08:53,673
That was...
1214
01:08:53,840 --> 01:08:55,800
- Cool. All right. Well...
- Cool.
1215
01:09:04,684 --> 01:09:05,977
You look really beautiful.
1216
01:09:06,144 --> 01:09:07,854
Thank you.
1217
01:09:10,023 --> 01:09:11,733
- You're a real gentleman.
- No.
1218
01:09:11,899 --> 01:09:16,404
Just a guy having dinner with a girl.
1219
01:09:27,665 --> 01:09:31,210
Do you believe this whole thing
about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
1220
01:09:31,377 --> 01:09:33,880
I did not know it was.
1221
01:09:34,047 --> 01:09:36,507
Medical science really
has not substantiated claims...
1222
01:09:36,674 --> 01:09:39,886
that any particular food increases
sexual desire or performance...
1223
01:09:40,053 --> 01:09:42,889
but guys just spend and spend
to ply women with food...
1224
01:09:43,056 --> 01:09:46,559
they think is gonna get them lucky.
Which is funny, because, it's like...
1225
01:09:46,726 --> 01:09:49,812
what is sexy about
slurping back oysters? Nothing.
1226
01:09:49,979 --> 01:09:53,566
Did you know some people actually
eat ground-up rhinoceros horn...
1227
01:09:53,733 --> 01:09:56,778
because it's thought to increase
the size of the male sex organ?
1228
01:09:56,944 --> 01:09:58,905
That's not true at all.
1229
01:09:59,072 --> 01:10:01,699
Spanish fly. Spanish fly.
You've heard of this? Yes?
1230
01:10:01,866 --> 01:10:03,409
- Yes.
- Okay. That thing?
1231
01:10:03,576 --> 01:10:05,703
Pulverized blister beetle. What?
1232
01:10:05,870 --> 01:10:09,415
And it's illegal in the U.S. because
if you eat just a little bit too much...
1233
01:10:09,582 --> 01:10:12,752
it causes painful urination,
fever and bloody discharge.
1234
01:10:12,919 --> 01:10:14,295
- Am I talking too much?
- No.
1235
01:10:14,462 --> 01:10:17,173
You're just burning through
a lot of topics really fast.
1236
01:10:17,340 --> 01:10:20,176
Shouldn't have had coffee
three weeks ago.
1237
01:10:20,343 --> 01:10:21,386
I'm just kidding.
1238
01:10:21,552 --> 01:10:25,390
Your Maine lobster
with crab and seafood stuffing.
1239
01:10:26,766 --> 01:10:28,684
- I'm jealous.
- Thank you.
1240
01:10:29,477 --> 01:10:31,729
Let's dig in. Right?
1241
01:10:35,858 --> 01:10:38,319
I didn't know Woodchuck Todd
worked here.
1242
01:10:45,868 --> 01:10:47,161
He's dressed like a lobster.
1243
01:10:47,328 --> 01:10:50,248
I should start calling him
Lobster Todd.
1244
01:10:55,920 --> 01:10:57,130
Shit.
1245
01:10:57,296 --> 01:10:59,090
- Shit, shit, shit.
- What? What's wrong?
1246
01:10:59,257 --> 01:11:00,758
- Rhiannon's over there.
- So?
1247
01:11:00,925 --> 01:11:03,177
She's been in love with you
since 1st grade.
1248
01:11:03,344 --> 01:11:05,888
- She's my best friend.
- I thought you weren't speaking.
1249
01:11:06,055 --> 01:11:08,391
But that doesn't mean
she's not my best friend.
1250
01:11:08,558 --> 01:11:10,101
Or that I should be out with you.
1251
01:11:10,268 --> 01:11:12,645
Rhi and I don't have
anything in common.
1252
01:11:12,812 --> 01:11:14,564
- And you and I do?
- Yeah.
1253
01:11:14,730 --> 01:11:17,817
- Like what?
- Like I hate Marianne Bryant too.
1254
01:11:17,984 --> 01:11:20,820
If that's our connection,
I should date the entire school.
1255
01:11:20,987 --> 01:11:22,738
Haven't you?
1256
01:11:23,948 --> 01:11:26,492
No. No, I haven't.
1257
01:11:29,871 --> 01:11:31,581
Okay, she can't see us.
Check. Check.
1258
01:11:31,747 --> 01:11:34,041
Can you just...? Excuse me? Hi.
1259
01:11:34,667 --> 01:11:38,546
I just remembered
I am so allergic to shellfish.
1260
01:11:38,713 --> 01:11:41,007
I forget that my respiratory system
will collapse.
1261
01:11:41,174 --> 01:11:43,426
- I have a gift certificate. Keep the tip.
- Thanks.
1262
01:11:43,593 --> 01:11:45,136
I'm sorry, but we have to go.
1263
01:11:45,303 --> 01:11:48,055
- Go. Go. Come on. Come on.
- Okay.
1264
01:11:48,222 --> 01:11:49,807
Go, go, go.
1265
01:11:57,815 --> 01:11:59,859
I'm sorry about that.
1266
01:12:02,153 --> 01:12:04,572
I've got something for you.
1267
01:12:05,948 --> 01:12:08,201
Two hundred dollars
to The Home Depot.
1268
01:12:14,790 --> 01:12:16,125
I didn't realise this was a...
1269
01:12:16,292 --> 01:12:20,046
I know it sounds kind of lame, but they
really do have some awesome stuff.
1270
01:12:20,213 --> 01:12:22,715
I bought my air compressor there.
1271
01:12:24,217 --> 01:12:26,886
So, what did we do on this date?
1272
01:12:27,053 --> 01:12:28,638
Whatever 200 bucks gets me.
1273
01:12:31,057 --> 01:12:34,101
- That's not really how it works.
- It's okay.
1274
01:12:34,894 --> 01:12:36,395
Stop.
1275
01:12:36,562 --> 01:12:39,232
I'm not really having sex with people
for money.
1276
01:12:39,398 --> 01:12:43,361
I'm saying I'm having sex for money,
but I'm not having sex for money.
1277
01:12:43,528 --> 01:12:45,196
It's okay. It's all right. Come on.
1278
01:12:45,363 --> 01:12:47,031
- Stop. No, no.
- What?
1279
01:12:47,198 --> 01:12:48,449
Stop!
1280
01:12:48,616 --> 01:12:51,202
Come on, just relax. Come on, babe.
It's all right.
1281
01:12:51,369 --> 01:12:54,455
God. Asshole.
1282
01:12:58,626 --> 01:13:01,879
What are you doing? I paid you.
1283
01:13:02,797 --> 01:13:04,757
Now you didn't.
1284
01:13:06,759 --> 01:13:09,762
Come on, this is bullshit.
1285
01:13:14,100 --> 01:13:15,977
Goddamn it.
1286
01:13:17,186 --> 01:13:18,938
Hey, Olive.
1287
01:13:20,356 --> 01:13:22,233
Todd, hi.
1288
01:13:27,613 --> 01:13:30,992
- Hey, you all right?
- I just have something in my eye.
1289
01:13:31,158 --> 01:13:34,537
Like a twig, you know, or a branch,
or a contact, or something.
1290
01:13:34,704 --> 01:13:38,958
- I didn't know you wore contacts.
- I don't, which is why I was tearing up.
1291
01:13:39,709 --> 01:13:43,838
Olive, hey. Let me drive you home.
1292
01:13:51,887 --> 01:13:54,640
Do you wanna talk about it?
1293
01:13:58,144 --> 01:14:02,398
What's to say?
Everybody thinks I'm a whore...
1294
01:14:03,190 --> 01:14:05,776
and for the first time,
I'm starting to believe it.
1295
01:14:05,943 --> 01:14:06,986
What?
1296
01:14:07,153 --> 01:14:09,989
Don't act like you don't know
what people are saying about me.
1297
01:14:10,156 --> 01:14:12,992
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.
1298
01:14:13,159 --> 01:14:14,994
- Who told you?
- No one.
1299
01:14:15,161 --> 01:14:18,414
No one had to tell me that once upon
a time, there was a scared kid...
1300
01:14:18,581 --> 01:14:22,418
at a party in a dark room
who was not ready for his first kiss.
1301
01:14:22,585 --> 01:14:27,048
And, you know, there was
this amazing girl who lied for him.
1302
01:14:27,214 --> 01:14:30,134
I still can't believe
you remember that.
1303
01:14:33,387 --> 01:14:36,432
You know, sometimes I pretend
you were my first real kiss.
1304
01:14:37,850 --> 01:14:39,518
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1305
01:14:41,312 --> 01:14:43,356
- Who was?
- It was Rhiannon.
1306
01:14:43,522 --> 01:14:45,232
- What?
- She must have told you.
1307
01:14:45,399 --> 01:14:49,612
Yeah, it was... I think it was, like,
a year after that or something.
1308
01:14:49,779 --> 01:14:52,615
It sucked, by the way.
She was, like:
1309
01:14:52,782 --> 01:14:55,034
That bitch.
1310
01:14:55,201 --> 01:14:57,912
Oh, my God,
she knew how I felt about you.
1311
01:14:58,079 --> 01:15:00,956
- How do you feel about me?
- And here I am feeling so bad.
1312
01:15:01,123 --> 01:15:02,333
That's just perfect.
1313
01:15:02,500 --> 01:15:04,877
Wait, hold on a second.
How do you feel about me?
1314
01:15:05,086 --> 01:15:06,796
"Felt."
1315
01:15:07,171 --> 01:15:08,547
I said "felt."
1316
01:15:10,341 --> 01:15:13,636
Because I thought I...
I thought I heard "feel."
1317
01:15:13,803 --> 01:15:15,429
- No, it was "felt."
- All right.
1318
01:15:15,596 --> 01:15:17,640
How do you know where I live?
1319
01:15:17,807 --> 01:15:19,141
We used to carpool.
1320
01:15:19,642 --> 01:15:22,978
Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you
like a savant for people's addresses?
1321
01:15:23,145 --> 01:15:25,231
Just for people who I think are cool.
1322
01:15:25,898 --> 01:15:28,067
- You think I'm cool?
- I do.
1323
01:15:28,234 --> 01:15:31,529
And I think you're pretty and smart.
1324
01:15:31,821 --> 01:15:34,615
Did you form this opinion
prior to my little transformation?
1325
01:15:34,782 --> 01:15:36,450
Way prior.
1326
01:15:37,827 --> 01:15:39,662
Why didn't that rumour spread?
1327
01:15:40,121 --> 01:15:41,872
I like to keep my business to myself.
1328
01:15:42,039 --> 01:15:44,041
Notoriety, for whatever reason...
1329
01:15:44,208 --> 01:15:47,086
never seems to benefit the noted,
it's only the "notees."
1330
01:15:48,838 --> 01:15:50,423
Where were you two weeks ago?
1331
01:15:55,344 --> 01:15:56,512
Olive.
1332
01:15:57,722 --> 01:16:02,560
If I promise not to tell anyone,
could I kiss you right now?
1333
01:16:06,272 --> 01:16:08,023
No.
1334
01:16:10,067 --> 01:16:12,278
- Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
- Oh, no.
1335
01:16:12,445 --> 01:16:14,572
I just mean, not like this.
1336
01:16:14,739 --> 01:16:17,616
I don't wanna kiss you with mascara
running down my face...
1337
01:16:17,783 --> 01:16:20,286
and some horndog guy
just having tried...
1338
01:16:20,453 --> 01:16:23,497
to stick his tongue
down my throat.
1339
01:16:24,623 --> 01:16:27,084
I've wanted to kiss you
since 8th grade...
1340
01:16:28,085 --> 01:16:30,421
but I want it to be perfect.
1341
01:16:31,422 --> 01:16:34,091
And right now, my life is a mess.
1342
01:16:34,508 --> 01:16:37,845
I need to get my business in order
before I drag you into it.
1343
01:16:38,012 --> 01:16:40,306
What if I told you
I wanna be dragged into it?
1344
01:16:41,265 --> 01:16:42,850
I could help, maybe.
1345
01:17:11,629 --> 01:17:12,797
Why now?
1346
01:17:13,964 --> 01:17:15,966
Why are you all of a sudden
into me now?
1347
01:17:16,133 --> 01:17:17,259
I don't know.
1348
01:17:17,718 --> 01:17:21,138
I haven't overanalyzed it,
like you're about to.
1349
01:17:25,643 --> 01:17:29,230
- Good night, Olive.
- Good night, Lobster Todd.
1350
01:17:31,190 --> 01:17:34,610
Now that I knew there were decent
and goodhearted people out there...
1351
01:17:34,777 --> 01:17:36,362
the lies had to stop.
1352
01:17:36,529 --> 01:17:40,032
I knew there was only one person I
could count on to set the story straight:
1353
01:17:40,199 --> 01:17:41,200
Brandon.
1354
01:17:41,367 --> 01:17:44,620
I'd helped him, and even though
it would destroy his new reputation...
1355
01:17:44,787 --> 01:17:47,331
as a straight stud,
I knew he'd help me.
1356
01:17:47,498 --> 01:17:50,125
Oh, my God. Did you hear that
Brandon ran away from home?
1357
01:17:50,292 --> 01:17:53,712
Yeah, totally. He left his parents
a note that said, "I'm gay, bitches"...
1358
01:17:53,879 --> 01:17:57,049
and then he skipped town
with some big, hulking black guy.
1359
01:17:58,342 --> 01:17:59,844
My apologies to Mark Twain.
1360
01:18:00,010 --> 01:18:01,095
- Wait, huh?
- What?
1361
01:18:01,262 --> 01:18:03,222
- You said something.
- You said something.
1362
01:18:03,389 --> 01:18:05,266
You said something,
so I came back.
1363
01:18:05,432 --> 01:18:06,892
- You're funny. Okay.
- Call me.
1364
01:18:07,059 --> 01:18:10,229
I went to everyone I'd helped
and begged them to say it wasn't true.
1365
01:18:10,396 --> 01:18:12,565
No way. I gave you money.
1366
01:18:12,731 --> 01:18:16,360
You gave me a gift card to AutoZone.
I don't even have a car.
1367
01:18:16,527 --> 01:18:18,320
I thought it'd be aspirational.
1368
01:18:18,487 --> 01:18:22,700
Evan, please do this for me, all right?
I did that for you. Do this for me.
1369
01:18:22,867 --> 01:18:25,786
I don't want people to know
I didn't go to second base with you.
1370
01:18:25,953 --> 01:18:28,956
Do you know how many girls
I've hooked up with because of that?
1371
01:18:29,123 --> 01:18:30,666
Girls are almost as dumb as boys.
1372
01:18:30,833 --> 01:18:33,544
Oh, yes, they are.
1373
01:18:37,047 --> 01:18:38,424
It gets worse.
1374
01:18:38,591 --> 01:18:40,217
"Honour your father
and your mother."
1375
01:18:40,384 --> 01:18:43,804
Due to his condition, Micah was sent
on a visit to his grandparents...
1376
01:18:43,971 --> 01:18:45,431
in Palatka, Florida.
1377
01:18:45,598 --> 01:18:48,767
And if there's one thing worse
than chlamydia, it's Florida.
1378
01:18:48,934 --> 01:18:50,728
"Be guilty of adultery."
1379
01:18:50,895 --> 01:18:52,938
Get your hands
out of your berries, boy.
1380
01:18:53,105 --> 01:18:55,107
Olive, life is full of choices.
1381
01:18:55,274 --> 01:18:58,527
I made a bad one.
But then, so did you.
1382
01:18:58,694 --> 01:19:02,031
But I see no other alternative
than to just live with the guilt.
1383
01:19:02,197 --> 01:19:05,534
My guilt stems from my indiscretion
and yours for lying.
1384
01:19:06,118 --> 01:19:09,830
We made our choices.
Now, we just have to let it ride.
1385
01:19:09,997 --> 01:19:14,293
Or I could just tell everyone the truth
and get you fired and put in jail.
1386
01:19:14,460 --> 01:19:17,087
Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay?
1387
01:19:17,254 --> 01:19:19,465
It's perfectly legal
in the state of California.
1388
01:19:19,632 --> 01:19:22,217
I checked. He is 21 in eight months.
1389
01:19:22,384 --> 01:19:25,304
And secondly, let's play the Who
Would You Believe game, okay?
1390
01:19:25,471 --> 01:19:28,849
Why don't you ask yourself, if you
were an adult, who would you believe?
1391
01:19:29,016 --> 01:19:31,101
Who would you believe?
Who would you believe?
1392
01:19:31,268 --> 01:19:33,437
Who would you believe? Who?
1393
01:19:38,150 --> 01:19:40,361
Thank you for coming in.
1394
01:19:43,697 --> 01:19:48,077
Yeah, Mrs. Griffith was pure evil, but
I still shouldn't have done what I did.
1395
01:19:48,243 --> 01:19:51,038
Your wife has chlamydia,
and she's sleeping with a student...
1396
01:19:51,205 --> 01:19:53,832
and she gave it to him,
and she's trying to blame me.
1397
01:19:55,167 --> 01:19:56,710
What?
1398
01:20:00,172 --> 01:20:01,924
I'm sorry.
1399
01:20:04,760 --> 01:20:06,512
I'm sorry.
1400
01:20:07,304 --> 01:20:09,765
Mr. Griffith, if you ever see this...
1401
01:20:09,932 --> 01:20:15,854
just know that I was wrong
to tell you that in that way. At all.
1402
01:20:16,188 --> 01:20:18,065
I shouldn't have done it.
1403
01:20:18,524 --> 01:20:21,193
And I don't even feel bad
for lying for your wife.
1404
01:20:21,360 --> 01:20:26,865
But I hate myself for telling you
the truth. I am so sorry.
1405
01:20:27,032 --> 01:20:31,161
With my words, even though
they were true, I ended a marriage.
1406
01:20:31,370 --> 01:20:35,791
Looking back, that's the thing
I regret the most.
1407
01:20:42,256 --> 01:20:47,636
So now everyone that knows the truth
is either gone or they won't fess up.
1408
01:20:47,803 --> 01:20:52,808
And Marianne Bryant and her
disciples are demanding my head.
1409
01:20:52,975 --> 01:20:56,562
The messed-up thing is I would not put
it past Principal Gibbons to expel me.
1410
01:20:56,729 --> 01:20:58,897
I had a similar situation
when I was your age.
1411
01:20:59,064 --> 01:21:00,733
What? Everyone called you a slut?
1412
01:21:00,899 --> 01:21:03,986
I had a horrible reputation and
people said awful things about me.
1413
01:21:04,486 --> 01:21:06,405
- Why?
- Because I was a slut.
1414
01:21:06,572 --> 01:21:10,993
I slept with a whole bunch of people.
A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.
1415
01:21:11,160 --> 01:21:13,454
- Mom.
- Sorry, I got around.
1416
01:21:13,620 --> 01:21:16,623
Before I met Dad,
I had incredibly low self-worth.
1417
01:21:16,790 --> 01:21:20,377
Do me a favour and just stuff this down
my throat until I asphyxiate to death.
1418
01:21:20,544 --> 01:21:23,047
- It's true. It is.
- I want to die.
1419
01:21:23,213 --> 01:21:25,549
It's true.
I was quite the contortionist.
1420
01:21:25,716 --> 01:21:28,761
I could do this thing. I could go...
I mean, my leg all the way...
1421
01:21:28,927 --> 01:21:31,221
Stop. Can you stop?
Don't show me.
1422
01:21:31,388 --> 01:21:34,475
- Can you not see that I'm a mess?
- No, you're not, Olive.
1423
01:21:34,641 --> 01:21:36,393
You're wonderful.
1424
01:21:36,935 --> 01:21:39,104
And you'll handle this
the same way I did.
1425
01:21:39,271 --> 01:21:41,732
With an incontrovertible
sense of humour.
1426
01:21:43,025 --> 01:21:45,444
But you're much smarter than I am...
1427
01:21:45,611 --> 01:21:48,697
so you'll come out of this
much better than I did.
1428
01:21:51,450 --> 01:21:52,618
Thank you, Mom.
1429
01:21:53,952 --> 01:21:58,457
- I could get my leg so far back.
- No, no, no. Stop it.
1430
01:21:58,624 --> 01:22:01,460
So it was time to put an end
to all this once and for all...
1431
01:22:01,627 --> 01:22:03,253
by telling my side of the story.
1432
01:22:03,420 --> 01:22:05,547
And that's why I decided
to do this Webcast.
1433
01:22:05,714 --> 01:22:08,008
So here we go.
1434
01:22:09,635 --> 01:22:11,303
Part five.
1435
01:22:11,470 --> 01:22:13,597
Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.
1436
01:22:13,764 --> 01:22:17,643
Today we had yet another
one of our ridiculous pep rallies.
1437
01:22:17,810 --> 01:22:20,979
Todd convinced the band to play
the sexiest song in their repertoire.
1438
01:22:21,146 --> 01:22:24,733
I needed to pique everyone's interest
to get them to go home and log on.
1439
01:22:24,900 --> 01:22:28,278
I had one outfit left and I figured
about 30 seconds to do it.
1440
01:22:28,445 --> 01:22:31,198
Plus I really wanted
my own awesome musical number...
1441
01:22:31,824 --> 01:22:33,867
for no apparent reason.
1442
01:22:38,580 --> 01:22:39,832
Is that Olive?
1443
01:24:04,416 --> 01:24:06,293
This was just a free preview.
1444
01:24:06,460 --> 01:24:12,090
For the main event, log on to
www.FreeOlive.com tonight at 6 p.m.
1445
01:24:12,257 --> 01:24:15,510
And I know it interferes with
the basketball game but, come on...
1446
01:24:15,677 --> 01:24:17,763
would you rather cheer on
the Woodchucks...
1447
01:24:17,930 --> 01:24:20,140
or watch me do one?
1448
01:24:21,642 --> 01:24:24,895
What do you think you're doing?
Get to my office right now.
1449
01:24:25,062 --> 01:24:28,690
I can't, because I have a date with the
guy I like and the rest of the school.
1450
01:24:28,857 --> 01:24:32,069
I think before you expel me,
you might wanna talk to Mrs. Griffith...
1451
01:24:32,236 --> 01:24:34,947
because I think she might
talk you into letting me stay.
1452
01:24:35,113 --> 01:24:37,616
Go, Woodchucks!
1453
01:24:47,584 --> 01:24:50,087
And here you all are...
1454
01:24:50,254 --> 01:24:53,131
waiting outside the bedroom door
for me to kiss Todd...
1455
01:24:53,298 --> 01:24:55,842
listening to me pretend
to have sex with Brandon...
1456
01:24:56,009 --> 01:24:58,220
paying me to lie for you...
1457
01:24:58,387 --> 01:25:00,430
and calling me
every name in the book.
1458
01:25:00,639 --> 01:25:03,392
You know, it was just like Hester
in The Scarlet Letter.
1459
01:25:03,558 --> 01:25:06,061
Except that's the one thing
the movies don't tell you:
1460
01:25:06,228 --> 01:25:11,441
How shitty it feels to be an outcast.
Warranted or not.
1461
01:25:20,784 --> 01:25:22,703
How did you know I love this song?
1462
01:25:22,869 --> 01:25:24,162
I guessed.
1463
01:25:24,329 --> 01:25:27,749
I see you've been watching my live
Webcast. It's still going on, you know.
1464
01:25:27,916 --> 01:25:31,295
Screw them. They've had
enough of you. Figuratively speaking.
1465
01:25:31,461 --> 01:25:34,464
I borrowed my neighbour's mower.
I came right over.
1466
01:25:34,631 --> 01:25:35,674
That almost rhymed.
1467
01:25:35,841 --> 01:25:38,385
I know. I spent a minute on it.
1468
01:25:38,552 --> 01:25:40,554
I'll be right down.
1469
01:25:42,222 --> 01:25:44,016
That's Todd.
1470
01:25:44,182 --> 01:25:49,146
Not that I owe you guys any more
confessions, but I really like this guy...
1471
01:25:49,313 --> 01:25:53,567
and I might even lose my virginity
to him.
1472
01:25:54,234 --> 01:25:56,153
I don't know when it'll happen.
1473
01:25:56,320 --> 01:25:59,364
You know, it might be five minutes
from now or tonight...
1474
01:25:59,948 --> 01:26:03,452
or six months from now
or maybe on our wedding night.
1475
01:26:03,618 --> 01:26:08,498
But the really amazing thing is,
it is nobody's goddamn business.
1476
01:26:10,876 --> 01:26:12,252
Come on, where's she going?
1477
01:26:12,419 --> 01:26:14,629
I thought she was going
to take her clothes off.
1478
01:26:14,796 --> 01:26:17,341
Demi Moore took her clothes off.
This is bullshit.
1479
01:26:17,507 --> 01:26:20,969
Come on. Are you kidding me?
1480
01:26:22,929 --> 01:26:25,682
- Piss off.
- Come here, you punk.
1481
01:26:28,727 --> 01:26:30,228
Jack?
1482
01:26:58,006 --> 01:27:00,425
That's a mighty snug little shelter,
Huck.
1483
01:27:00,592 --> 01:27:02,052
I judge it's all right.
1484
01:27:02,219 --> 01:27:04,262
Here, Jim, I'll take my turn
at steering now.
1485
01:27:04,429 --> 01:27:06,807
No, that's all right, Huck.
I like steering.
1486
01:27:49,766 --> 01:27:51,643
Blue Devils!
116868
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