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1
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,763
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
00:00:48,678 --> 00:00:52,774
One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony,
and I'm cracking up.
3
00:00:52,948 --> 00:00:57,282
Everyone's so deranged and brutal,
it's frightening. I was so depressed,
4
00:00:57,453 --> 00:01:00,286
- I saw the social worker.
- Was he any help?
5
00:01:00,456 --> 00:01:03,050
Not really. He beat me up.
6
00:01:03,225 --> 00:01:07,685
He said I was a whining nancy boy
with girly white legs,
7
00:01:07,863 --> 00:01:13,165
then pummelled me repeatedly with his book
"Showing Compassion to Inmates".
8
00:01:13,335 --> 00:01:17,465
- Social workers are supposed to be nice.
- I was so shellshocked,
9
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,700
- I told the priest everything.
- What did he say?
10
00:01:20,876 --> 00:01:24,835
He said I was a whining baby
who was missing his mum.
11
00:01:25,014 --> 00:01:27,608
Then he beat me up, too.
12
00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:31,378
You can still see the crucifix marks
in the back of my head.
13
00:01:31,554 --> 00:01:34,785
It's 'cause we're in G tower.
The staff are mad here.
14
00:01:34,957 --> 00:01:40,361
One guy said as a reward for good behaviour,
they move you to the luxury block on D wing.
15
00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:46,058
It's nice there. They even shampoo the rats -
groom their tails and everything.
16
00:01:46,235 --> 00:01:50,069
I must look it up
in my "Michelin Guide to Penal Hellholes".
17
00:01:50,239 --> 00:01:53,299
I'm sure it gets the full five slop-out buckets.
18
00:01:53,476 --> 00:01:57,742
They've got TVs, music centres.
They've even got a trouser press.
19
00:01:58,814 --> 00:02:02,045
Since when were you interested
in a trouser press?
20
00:02:02,218 --> 00:02:07,178
You care less about your appearance
than a member of the Dutch Royal Family.
21
00:02:07,356 --> 00:02:10,689
No, if we got moved to a cell
with a trouser press,
22
00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:13,624
we could make cheese toasties.
23
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,999
What's this?
24
00:02:19,769 --> 00:02:21,600
"Floor 13 information pack.
25
00:02:21,771 --> 00:02:26,868
"If privacy is required when using toilet,
please wear blindfold."
26
00:02:29,578 --> 00:02:31,569
What's the book?
27
00:02:31,747 --> 00:02:33,374
"Gideon's Bible."
28
00:02:33,549 --> 00:02:35,949
He follows me everywhere, that bloke.
29
00:02:36,118 --> 00:02:39,849
I was staying in a hotel once -
he left his bible there as well.
30
00:02:40,022 --> 00:02:44,254
Two years later, another hotel,
dozy git left it behind again.
31
00:02:44,426 --> 00:02:46,053
(SIGHS)
32
00:02:46,228 --> 00:02:50,756
Everything is ruined. My career's over.
I've no goal, no hope, no life.
33
00:02:50,933 --> 00:02:53,925
How come that's starting to get you down now?
34
00:02:54,637 --> 00:02:59,506
We're gonna spend two years in the brig.
Two years with the scum of the universe -
35
00:02:59,675 --> 00:03:04,135
hardened criminals, deranged droids -
people so unbalanced and debauched,
36
00:03:04,313 --> 00:03:09,341
they couldn't even get elected as president
of the United States. We have to escape.
37
00:03:09,518 --> 00:03:12,783
There's security cameras everywhere.
38
00:03:12,955 --> 00:03:17,392
That mad geezer with the one eye
and the funny tick said it was impossible.
39
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,859
He's bound to say that, he was the warden.
40
00:03:21,664 --> 00:03:27,569
If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer instead of the
brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I got.
41
00:03:27,770 --> 00:03:29,533
You defended yourself.
42
00:03:34,610 --> 00:03:38,307
Yes, and I don't need reminding of that,
thank you very much.
43
00:03:39,381 --> 00:03:43,545
- Two years in the Tank.
- Two years.
44
00:03:50,492 --> 00:03:52,824
How did I get into this mess?
45
00:03:52,995 --> 00:03:55,896
I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me.
46
00:04:03,172 --> 00:04:07,404
This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister
of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
47
00:04:07,576 --> 00:04:12,172
Several crew members are being tried
for crimes against the Space Corps.
48
00:04:12,348 --> 00:04:16,944
- Are you familiar with the mind scan?
- We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
49
00:04:17,119 --> 00:04:19,280
It will involve the administration
50
00:04:19,455 --> 00:04:24,757
of psychotropic drugs which affect
your mental state, making this process possible.
51
00:04:24,927 --> 00:04:27,293
If you accept, say "Aye".
52
00:04:27,463 --> 00:04:30,261
- (ALL) Aye.
- Sign the consent forms,
53
00:04:30,466 --> 00:04:33,230
and seal them into the envelopes provided.
54
00:04:34,436 --> 00:04:36,495
We reconvene at 10 a.m. Tomorrow.
55
00:04:39,174 --> 00:04:44,237
To test the veracity of their defence,
I've had them placed in artificial reality
56
00:04:44,413 --> 00:04:46,938
where their actions can be observed.
57
00:04:47,116 --> 00:04:50,108
(FUNKY MUSIC)
58
00:04:52,621 --> 00:04:55,181
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
59
00:05:03,799 --> 00:05:09,601
Right now, they believe they're escaping,
but we just want to observe what they do.
60
00:05:09,772 --> 00:05:14,368
So that means that if anyone happens
to mention any special agreements
61
00:05:14,543 --> 00:05:19,537
that they've entered into... Can you excuse me?
I think I've left the iron on.
62
00:05:21,784 --> 00:05:24,446
Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew...
63
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:36,097
...is acting very suspiciously,
being incredibly insightful and efficient.
64
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:42,469
I suspect he may have access
to the crew's confidential files.
65
00:05:42,638 --> 00:05:44,970
We also believe he may possess a virus
66
00:05:45,140 --> 00:05:48,974
which makes him incredibly attractive
to the opposite sex.
67
00:05:49,144 --> 00:05:54,377
This is a remarkable serum, and, as
a responsible senior officer of the Space Corps,
68
00:05:54,550 --> 00:05:58,111
it's imperative I gain possession of it
and use some myself.
69
00:05:58,287 --> 00:06:00,721
Oh, my God, you are sexy!
70
00:06:00,889 --> 00:06:03,949
So very, very sexy!
71
00:06:07,997 --> 00:06:12,195
Yesterday, he was observed
injecting his groin with anaesthetic -
72
00:06:12,368 --> 00:06:14,928
an attempt to regain some self control.
73
00:06:27,649 --> 00:06:29,640
- Hi.
- (ALL) Hi.
74
00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:37,216
I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, gave
Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files.
75
00:06:37,393 --> 00:06:41,887
He's using this information
to blackmail his way up the chain of command.
76
00:06:42,064 --> 00:06:45,522
It's unforgivable, but it's a technique
that can work.
77
00:06:45,701 --> 00:06:49,694
I should know. I used the same method myself
to become captain.
78
00:06:49,872 --> 00:06:55,333
If the crew discover I'm really
just Dennis the doughnut boy, I'm finished.
79
00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:59,171
I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR,
80
00:06:59,348 --> 00:07:02,317
and expect my suspicions to be confirmed.
Report ends.
81
00:07:07,556 --> 00:07:10,889
(MUSIC)
82
00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:22,793
This is ground control to Midget 3.
You don't appear to have flight clearance.
83
00:07:22,971 --> 00:07:27,408
- Please state your name and clearance code.
- Ground control, this is...
84
00:07:27,576 --> 00:07:29,942
- Major Tom!
- Yeah, Major Tom!
85
00:07:30,112 --> 00:07:33,775
Major Tom, what is your clearance code
and pilot number?
86
00:07:33,949 --> 00:07:37,783
I'm sorry. I left all my details
in my other pants.
87
00:07:37,953 --> 00:07:39,818
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
88
00:07:39,988 --> 00:07:44,516
- Wow!
- Without take-off clearance,
89
00:07:44,693 --> 00:07:48,857
- I can't permit you to fly.
- I can handle this thing OK. I'm good.
90
00:07:49,031 --> 00:07:51,932
I'm better than good - I'm smooth.
91
00:07:52,101 --> 00:07:54,729
I feel smooth.
92
00:07:55,838 --> 00:07:59,239
That's as maybe, but I need proof
that you can fly that thing.
93
00:07:59,408 --> 00:08:02,741
Fly? I can make this thing dance!
94
00:08:28,170 --> 00:08:30,263
(CLATTER)
95
00:09:33,302 --> 00:09:36,100
(UPBEAT JAZZ-FUNK)
96
00:10:27,823 --> 00:10:29,222
Wow!
97
00:10:34,463 --> 00:10:35,862
You free Saturday?
98
00:10:36,031 --> 00:10:38,261
I am now.
99
00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:41,869
Holy schmoly! I've got a date
in three days' time.
100
00:10:43,038 --> 00:10:46,098
- I'm gonna get ready.
- You're going nowhere, man.
101
00:10:46,275 --> 00:10:48,175
We are outta here!
102
00:11:06,061 --> 00:11:09,827
- Thornton.
- No one's allowed in there. Beat it.
103
00:11:09,998 --> 00:11:13,695
Angus Thornton - aged 36, middle name Lionel.
104
00:11:14,670 --> 00:11:18,663
Inside leg measurement 29,
neck size 16, circumcised.
105
00:11:19,274 --> 00:11:21,572
- How do you know all this?
- Jazz fan.
106
00:11:23,211 --> 00:11:24,610
Good credit rating.
107
00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:29,183
Once admitted to hospital totally naked
and attached to... (WHISPERS)
108
00:11:29,351 --> 00:11:35,256
That's a slanderous, filthy, stinking,
slanderous lie that you just made up.
109
00:11:36,291 --> 00:11:38,885
- Who told you?
- Want all the crew to know?
110
00:11:39,061 --> 00:11:42,622
- Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.
- OK, I'm going.
111
00:11:42,798 --> 00:11:45,096
I'm lighting up already. I'm going.
112
00:11:55,777 --> 00:12:00,908
Once we get a bearing on those damn nanos,
we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.
113
00:12:03,852 --> 00:12:06,844
(KRYTEN) Getting something now.
(LISTER) Good.
114
00:12:07,022 --> 00:12:13,018
We didn't need that confidential file I gave to
Rimmer. All that stuff I gave him on the captain.
115
00:12:13,195 --> 00:12:14,594
Two-faced rat!
116
00:12:16,298 --> 00:12:21,258
Find all references to the agreement
between Lister and Rimmer...
117
00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:24,163
...and remove.
118
00:12:25,474 --> 00:12:27,169
(COMPUTER) All references removed.
119
00:12:27,342 --> 00:12:28,775
(SIGHS)
120
00:12:29,911 --> 00:12:34,143
- What's that? Something weird just happened.
- I felt it, too.
121
00:12:34,616 --> 00:12:37,414
- There it was again.
- And again.
122
00:12:37,586 --> 00:12:38,985
Oh, my!
123
00:12:39,154 --> 00:12:41,281
- What is it?
- I don't believe I'm here.
124
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:44,448
I have that feeling all the time.
125
00:12:44,626 --> 00:12:49,086
We're in a computer-manipulated
psychotropically-induced mind state.
126
00:12:49,264 --> 00:12:51,698
You took the words right out of my mouth.
127
00:12:51,867 --> 00:12:55,769
You mean this is our trial?
Our escape is our trial?
128
00:12:55,937 --> 00:12:58,997
The envelopes - when we signed
the consent forms.
129
00:12:59,174 --> 00:13:02,007
There was a drug on the gluey bit we licked.
130
00:13:02,177 --> 00:13:07,877
So nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget,
the ground controller - none of that was real?
131
00:13:08,049 --> 00:13:11,280
You mean after all this,
I still haven't got a date?
132
00:13:12,421 --> 00:13:16,585
Another year when I have
to send a Valentine card to my hand!
133
00:13:16,758 --> 00:13:19,693
This is good. It proves we're innocent.
134
00:13:19,861 --> 00:13:25,595
Everything we've done - escaping, trying to
track down the nanos, it corroborates our story.
135
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:28,702
But you ARE guilty, guys. Who are you fooling?
136
00:13:29,938 --> 00:13:31,769
I don't know why I said that.
137
00:13:33,108 --> 00:13:34,507
(BLEEPING)
138
00:13:34,676 --> 00:13:36,234
We're being framed.
139
00:13:36,411 --> 00:13:39,972
I just said, "We're being framed," and suddenly...
140
00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:44,849
It happened again. Everything we say is being...
141
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:47,250
Bananas.
142
00:13:47,422 --> 00:13:51,882
If I say who I think is responsible for this,
it'll get cut, too - but it's him.
143
00:13:52,060 --> 00:13:56,520
You can bet on it, and if I ever catch up
with him, I'll cut off both his...
144
00:13:56,698 --> 00:13:58,928
...blunt knife.
145
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,558
- How do we stop it?
- If we're plugged into AR software,
146
00:14:02,737 --> 00:14:06,036
a trapdoor's built into the program
to allow escape.
147
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:08,335
(SQUEAKING)
148
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:13,971
- To help you get out if the program freezes?
- Precisely. There'll be a cryptic clue,
149
00:14:14,149 --> 00:14:16,583
something like a trapdoor or exit.
150
00:14:23,191 --> 00:14:25,159
I got it!
151
00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:28,592
- There's a button here with E-11-T on it.
- And?
152
00:14:29,664 --> 00:14:31,495
11 is XI in Roman numerals.
153
00:14:31,666 --> 00:14:34,635
E-X-l-T. Exit!
154
00:14:35,704 --> 00:14:38,935
- HE got that?
- It proves without a shadow of a doubt
155
00:14:39,107 --> 00:14:40,972
this is not reality.
156
00:14:41,142 --> 00:14:43,940
(SQUEAKING LAUGHTER)
157
00:14:44,746 --> 00:14:46,543
Press it.
158
00:14:49,050 --> 00:14:51,041
Now where are we?
159
00:14:54,422 --> 00:14:56,754
We've landed in the screen saver.
160
00:14:59,528 --> 00:15:03,555
We need to locate a power source
so we can switch the AR machine off.
161
00:15:03,732 --> 00:15:07,793
Power source? Well, there has to be a clue
round here somewhere.
162
00:15:07,969 --> 00:15:09,960
Maybe it's in this ice hole.
163
00:15:11,039 --> 00:15:13,007
(ROARS)
164
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:18,943
Bleugh!
165
00:15:21,783 --> 00:15:23,512
There's some food in here.
166
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:29,749
- So?
- Including a bottle of ketchup.
167
00:15:31,826 --> 00:15:34,886
- So?
- Power ketchup, get it?
168
00:15:35,063 --> 00:15:38,055
- What's to get?
- Power SOURCE!
169
00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:42,169
- He's even smart when he's made of Plasticine.
- Press it.
170
00:15:46,074 --> 00:15:47,564
Ooh.
171
00:15:47,742 --> 00:15:49,175
(TAPPING KEY)
172
00:15:50,946 --> 00:15:54,780
You backstabbing, weaselly smegger!
173
00:15:54,950 --> 00:15:56,884
You were trying to frame us!
174
00:15:57,052 --> 00:16:01,250
Listy, just the man.
I know at first glance it may look bad...
175
00:16:01,423 --> 00:16:02,822
God, he's gorgeous!
176
00:16:02,991 --> 00:16:06,324
- Hold her back, please. No more.
- Oh, those nostrils.
177
00:16:06,494 --> 00:16:10,726
- They're driving me crazy.
- Hold her back, Kryten. Help me!
178
00:16:21,910 --> 00:16:23,377
Put the lift on hold.
179
00:16:25,313 --> 00:16:27,304
I want his babies!
180
00:16:28,817 --> 00:16:31,285
The luck virus. Take some.
181
00:16:31,453 --> 00:16:35,048
It'll cure the virus
and restore you both to normal.
182
00:16:42,063 --> 00:16:43,928
God, that's so embarrassing!
183
00:16:45,934 --> 00:16:48,596
- What now, Hol?
- No time to lose.
184
00:16:48,770 --> 00:16:51,603
You should head for the nearest one of these.
185
00:16:53,942 --> 00:16:56,775
- You mean a moon?
- Exactly.
186
00:16:56,945 --> 00:17:00,346
We can regroup there
and continue our search for the nanos.
187
00:17:00,515 --> 00:17:03,951
- What about me?
- Suggest we persuade you to come with us
188
00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:06,178
or we bludgeon you unconscious.
189
00:17:07,255 --> 00:17:09,849
Him come with us? Are you out of your mind?!
190
00:17:10,025 --> 00:17:12,152
That so dumb, I should have said it!
191
00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:16,661
Mr. Rimmer saw the confidential files.
He knows all the security codes.
192
00:17:16,831 --> 00:17:19,857
Without him, our chances
of escape are as remote
193
00:17:20,035 --> 00:17:23,493
as meeting an interesting hairdresser
called Kylie.
194
00:17:23,672 --> 00:17:26,573
If I come with you,
what have you got to offer?
195
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:29,767
I'm very good at laundry, sir.
196
00:17:29,944 --> 00:17:32,845
I do a damn fine moon impression.
197
00:17:33,348 --> 00:17:34,645
I'm so gorgeous,
198
00:17:34,816 --> 00:17:39,810
there's a six-month waiting list for birds
to suddenly appear every time I'm near.
199
00:17:42,023 --> 00:17:46,255
You know what they say -
if you've three good friends, you're a rich man.
200
00:17:46,428 --> 00:17:51,923
- Only poor people say that.
- Forget it. He's not gonna change his mind.
201
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:57,037
The crew will know we're out of AR now
and will send someone to investigate.
202
00:17:57,939 --> 00:18:00,737
So, what's it to be?
203
00:18:00,909 --> 00:18:06,609
If I leave, I'm always going to be a failure. The
shame of it - every time I have a boiled egg,
204
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:10,046
knowing I don't even outrank
the toastie soldiers.
205
00:18:10,218 --> 00:18:14,655
- I want to be an officer. A man of honour.
- Officers are head cases.
206
00:18:14,823 --> 00:18:18,122
Those induction pranks
they play when you qualify!
207
00:18:18,293 --> 00:18:22,286
(SIGHS) I've dreamt of that proud day
for years now -
208
00:18:22,464 --> 00:18:25,058
as I wake up after the celebration party
209
00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:28,828
and find my pubes are orange
and I'm handcuffed to a goat.
210
00:18:29,971 --> 00:18:35,705
And most hilarious of all, discovering I'm
superglued to the rear of one of those rabbits
211
00:18:35,877 --> 00:18:38,277
that whizzes round greyhound tracks.
212
00:18:38,446 --> 00:18:42,849
Ah! Those mad japes they play on you.
I can't miss all that.
213
00:18:43,017 --> 00:18:47,283
That's not gonna happen,
just like it didn't happen for the other Rimmer.
214
00:18:47,455 --> 00:18:50,049
We're giving you a second chance at life,
215
00:18:50,225 --> 00:18:55,128
and an opportunity for you to screw it up
in a new and original way.
216
00:18:57,065 --> 00:19:02,526
You'll get a seat in the cockpit
and you'll be in control of at least five buttons.
217
00:19:02,704 --> 00:19:07,368
He's hardly going to be impressed
at being in charge of a few buttons!
218
00:19:07,542 --> 00:19:10,204
Five, you say?
219
00:19:10,378 --> 00:19:15,475
No more vending machine maintenance.
No more getting heckled by drinks dispensers.
220
00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:17,743
That's five whole buttons?
221
00:19:17,919 --> 00:19:20,080
A new start, a new life.
222
00:19:20,255 --> 00:19:22,849
Each morning, you'll wanna leap out of bed.
223
00:19:23,024 --> 00:19:28,519
In your case, Mr. Lister, that's because your
sheets are covered in pointy poppadom shards.
224
00:19:28,696 --> 00:19:31,790
Tell me about these buttons.
Are some illuminated?
225
00:19:31,966 --> 00:19:36,130
What do you say, man? The old Rimmer
was a vital member of the team.
226
00:19:36,304 --> 00:19:39,796
He performed essential functions
we've never replaced.
227
00:19:39,974 --> 00:19:41,339
What did he do?
228
00:19:41,509 --> 00:19:43,500
Dunno, really.
229
00:19:43,678 --> 00:19:46,044
He, um... He was, um...
230
00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:50,551
Head of Safety.
231
00:19:50,718 --> 00:19:55,348
Head of Safety? That's a hell of a title.
What did he actually do?
232
00:19:56,424 --> 00:20:02,021
You sort out danger. You sort out peril. Then
you advise on the best way to run away from it.
233
00:20:03,631 --> 00:20:06,623
Head of Safety, five buttons.
234
00:20:07,068 --> 00:20:08,365
I'm in!
235
00:20:09,337 --> 00:20:11,498
He's in? Let's celebrate!
236
00:20:11,673 --> 00:20:13,971
I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide.
237
00:20:28,656 --> 00:20:34,686
This is ground control.
You don't appear to have flight clearance.
238
00:20:35,496 --> 00:20:40,798
- You're the ground controller?
- Please state your name and clearance code.
239
00:20:40,969 --> 00:20:42,664
Reality sucks!
240
00:20:43,638 --> 00:20:46,630
Your name's Reality Sucks? (LAUGHS)
241
00:20:46,808 --> 00:20:48,935
One second, Mr. Sucks.
242
00:20:50,345 --> 00:20:52,609
Just checking my clearance list.
243
00:20:54,048 --> 00:20:57,643
- Just do another smegging dance and we'll go.
- Dance?!
244
00:20:57,819 --> 00:21:00,117
With her, I'd have trouble walking!
245
00:21:00,288 --> 00:21:02,415
I'm powering up.
246
00:21:06,261 --> 00:21:09,662
Come back, Mr. Sucks! Come back!
247
00:21:18,473 --> 00:21:23,501
There's nothing on the scanners for
a 1,000-mile radius. We're in the clear, guys!
248
00:21:23,678 --> 00:21:25,202
(ALL) Yes!
249
00:21:26,114 --> 00:21:28,207
- I don't believe we are.
- What's up?
250
00:21:28,383 --> 00:21:32,877
According to the supplies inventory,
we're frighteningly low on...
251
00:21:33,054 --> 00:21:36,990
- I can barely say it.
- What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?
252
00:21:37,158 --> 00:21:39,524
Worse. Fabric softener!
253
00:21:40,328 --> 00:21:44,594
Suggest we chart a course
to the nearest derelict - the SS Einstein -
254
00:21:44,766 --> 00:21:47,701
before your woollens get all bibbly-bobbly.
255
00:21:49,037 --> 00:21:52,996
Einstein? Wasn't he the dude
who discovered America?
256
00:21:53,174 --> 00:21:56,837
- Einstein discovered the theory of relativity.
- Where?
257
00:21:57,011 --> 00:21:59,536
Was it fossilized and stuff?
258
00:22:00,715 --> 00:22:03,047
The theory of relativity is...
259
00:22:05,853 --> 00:22:09,152
- What is the theory of relativity?
- What is it, Hol?
260
00:22:10,191 --> 00:22:12,159
Bit busy at the moment, Dave.
261
00:22:12,327 --> 00:22:15,421
Just tell us what it is in simple layman's terms.
262
00:22:15,596 --> 00:22:17,587
It's a theory.
263
00:22:18,533 --> 00:22:19,864
Yeah, but what is it?
264
00:22:20,034 --> 00:22:22,867
You want it more complicated
than that, do you?
265
00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:26,564
- What does it mean?
- It's the theory of relativity.
266
00:22:26,741 --> 00:22:30,541
You know - it's a theory
you only tell your relatives.
267
00:22:32,213 --> 00:22:36,240
It's so sad. Holly's supposed
to have an IQ of 6,000.
268
00:22:36,417 --> 00:22:38,681
Now, I doubt he could even spell IQ.
269
00:22:38,853 --> 00:22:43,290
If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer-senile,
explain this then.
270
00:22:44,292 --> 00:22:45,623
Explain what?
271
00:22:45,793 --> 00:22:47,886
You can't, can you? I
272
00:22:51,833 --> 00:22:53,130
Explain what?
273
00:22:53,301 --> 00:22:56,862
It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.
274
00:22:57,538 --> 00:22:58,835
If I'm so stupid,
275
00:22:59,007 --> 00:23:03,967
how was I able to recreate a new set
of nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew?
276
00:23:04,145 --> 00:23:05,544
(ALL) What?
277
00:23:05,713 --> 00:23:07,772
I thought you'd be pleased.
278
00:23:07,949 --> 00:23:09,348
But why?
279
00:23:09,517 --> 00:23:11,485
My job is to keep Dave sane.
280
00:23:11,652 --> 00:23:14,849
True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my best.
281
00:23:15,023 --> 00:23:18,857
That's why I create little diversions
to keep him occupied.
282
00:23:19,027 --> 00:23:22,622
Hol, we could have wound up
doing two years in the brig!
283
00:23:22,797 --> 00:23:25,766
You still could. I've just worked it out.
284
00:23:25,933 --> 00:23:27,400
We're still in AR.
285
00:23:27,568 --> 00:23:29,331
(ALL) What?
286
00:23:29,504 --> 00:23:30,801
In computer jargon,
287
00:23:30,972 --> 00:23:33,463
my plans have all gone tits up.
288
00:23:38,579 --> 00:23:41,844
- I was out-thought and out manoeuvred.
- Who by?
289
00:23:42,016 --> 00:23:44,348
By a superior intellect.
290
00:23:44,519 --> 00:23:48,751
You mean the hand dryer in the toilets
has outsmarted you again?
291
00:23:49,390 --> 00:23:54,851
No. By that other version of me -
the one on Red Dwarf. This is still our trial.
292
00:23:55,029 --> 00:23:57,122
Our trial? Why didn't you say?
293
00:23:57,298 --> 00:23:59,664
If I'd known, I'd have worn a tie!
294
00:24:02,537 --> 00:24:06,598
The nanobots story is corroborated.
They tried to track 'em down.
295
00:24:06,774 --> 00:24:11,074
Their actions in the psychotropically
induced scenario bear that out.
296
00:24:11,245 --> 00:24:12,837
I agree, Frank.
297
00:24:13,014 --> 00:24:18,611
I also believe we died and were indeed
resurrected - again, borne out by their actions.
298
00:24:18,786 --> 00:24:22,119
So, original charges - all innocent.
299
00:24:22,290 --> 00:24:28,024
But it's apparent that they used classified
information from the crew's confidential files
300
00:24:28,196 --> 00:24:29,493
to their own ends.
301
00:24:29,664 --> 00:24:36,001
I suspected Rimmer had access when he began
acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable.
302
00:24:36,170 --> 00:24:38,263
What a giveaway!
303
00:24:39,073 --> 00:24:43,601
That's why I got him to lick a psychotropic
envelope when I asked him to dinner.
304
00:24:43,778 --> 00:24:48,681
So, abusing classified information.
That's a fresh charge.
305
00:24:48,850 --> 00:24:50,750
On that, they're all guilty.
306
00:24:50,918 --> 00:24:53,443
- That's a statutory sentence.
- I know.
307
00:24:53,621 --> 00:24:56,181
Two years in the brig.
308
00:24:56,357 --> 00:25:01,294
So instead of the original charge and a possible
sentence of two years in the brig,
309
00:25:01,462 --> 00:25:03,657
they've been found guilty on another charge
310
00:25:03,831 --> 00:25:07,062
and got an entirely different
two years in the brig.
311
00:25:08,236 --> 00:25:10,727
That's gonna be a great comfort to them.
312
00:25:10,905 --> 00:25:13,396
I'll bring them round and break the news.
313
00:25:16,878 --> 00:25:20,439
- This is reality? But how can we be sure?
- Why do we care?
314
00:25:20,615 --> 00:25:23,607
Nothing makes any sense
no matter where we are.
315
00:25:23,784 --> 00:25:28,016
Look, everything was real
before we licked the envelopes, right?
316
00:25:28,189 --> 00:25:31,090
Then we conked out and got carted off to AR.
317
00:25:31,259 --> 00:25:33,250
Before we licked anything...
318
00:25:33,427 --> 00:25:36,658
Before we licked anything,
I lent you my Holly watch.
319
00:25:37,298 --> 00:25:40,461
So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it.
320
00:25:40,635 --> 00:25:45,470
Oh, yeah. This is reality, all right.
I'd recognise it anywhere.
321
00:25:45,940 --> 00:25:50,900
Also, shouldn't you have the viruses? You found
them on Starbug before we licked the envelopes.
322
00:25:54,048 --> 00:25:55,538
The luck virus.
323
00:25:55,716 --> 00:25:57,775
Maybe we can get out of this mess.
324
00:25:57,952 --> 00:26:01,649
I'll have that. The lab boys
are gonna want to run tests on it.
325
00:26:01,822 --> 00:26:04,120
(CAPTAIN) Where's the other one?
326
00:26:04,292 --> 00:26:06,453
I'm afraid I lost it, sir.
327
00:26:06,627 --> 00:26:10,461
Goddammit, Rimmer! I wanted that...
328
00:26:10,631 --> 00:26:15,159
I mean, the lab boys wanted it
to test it too. Damn!
329
00:26:16,237 --> 00:26:18,330
- This is all your fault.
- My fault?
330
00:26:18,506 --> 00:26:21,407
You betrayed us over the confidential file scam.
331
00:26:21,576 --> 00:26:24,636
- Stole the sexual magnetism virus.
- Lied to us.
332
00:26:24,812 --> 00:26:29,374
And behaved like a self-serving,
scum-sucking, ruthless little rat bag!
333
00:26:29,550 --> 00:26:31,450
And that's bad?
334
00:26:31,619 --> 00:26:38,047
(CAPTAIN) You have been found guilty
of contravening Act 21 of the Space Federation.
335
00:26:38,226 --> 00:26:43,858
Before sentencing, you will have medicals so
you can be assigned appropriate prison status.
336
00:26:45,266 --> 00:26:47,632
I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I?
337
00:27:09,257 --> 00:27:11,623
Welcome to the Tank.
338
00:27:34,448 --> 00:27:38,043
(SONG) It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
339
00:27:38,219 --> 00:27:41,484
I'm all alone, more or less
340
00:27:41,656 --> 00:27:44,716
Let me fly far away from here
341
00:27:44,892 --> 00:27:47,725
Fun, fun, fun
342
00:27:47,895 --> 00:27:51,387
In the sun, sun, sun
343
00:27:51,565 --> 00:27:54,932
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
344
00:27:55,102 --> 00:27:58,128
Drinking fresh mango juice
345
00:27:58,306 --> 00:28:01,537
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
346
00:28:01,709 --> 00:28:04,473
Fun, fun, fun
347
00:28:04,645 --> 00:28:08,046
In the sun, sun, sun
348
00:28:08,215 --> 00:28:11,082
Fun, fun, fun
349
00:28:11,252 --> 00:28:15,245
In the sun, sun, sun
30113
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