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(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
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This is an SOS distress callfrom the mining ship Red Dwarf.
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The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
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The only survivors were Dave Lister,who was in suspended animation,
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and his pregnant cat,who was safely sealed in the hold.
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Revived three million years later,
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Lister's only companions area life form who evolved from his cat
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and Arnold Rimmer, a hologramsimulation of one of the dead crew.
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The most interesting event recently
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was that Lister pretendedhe'd passed the chef's exam.
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That gives you some idea of howexciting some days are around here.
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Holly, give me access
to the crew's confidential reports.
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Those are for the Captain's eyes only.
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Fine. We'll give him ten seconds
to come back from the dead,
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then we'll presume I'm in charge.
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- No, he hasn't managed it.
- Whose do you want?
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Give me... Give me Lister's. Just the remarks.
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David Lister, technician, 3rd class.
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Captain's remarks - "Has requestedsick leave due to diarrhoea
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"on no less than 500 occasions.
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"Left previous job as a supermarkettrolley attendant after ten years
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"because he didn't wantto get tied to a career.
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"Promotion prospects - zero."
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I always liked Captain Hollister.
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Such a great reader of men.
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A marvellous, marvellous man,
and a tragic loss to us all.
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All right, Holly, give me mine.
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Arnold Rimmer, technician, 2nd class.
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Captain's remarks - "If a job'sworth doing, it's worth doing well.
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"If it's not, give it to Rimmer.
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"He aches for responsibilitybut constantly fails the engineering exam. "
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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Holly, Holly...
MY report - Rimmer. Two Ms.
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"Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad.
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"Probably has more teeth than brain cells.
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"Promotion prospects - comical."
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Two Rs.
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Arnold, this is your report.
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I always hated that pus-head Hollister.
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He always resented my popularity.
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He ignored my proposal
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to reduce the minimum
haircut length by an eighth of an inch.
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Small-minded, petty-thinking modo.
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Arnold, I'm picking up an unidentified object.
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"Constantly fails the exam"?
I'd hardly call 11 times "constantly".
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If you eat beef 11 times in your life,
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one would hardly say
that person constantly eats beef.
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It would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence.
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"Possibly mad"?! What's he drivelling about?
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- It's on the screen, Arnie.
- What is it?
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- I don't know.
- You'd better find out.
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It's obviously beyond me.
I've got more teeth than brain cells.
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Yes, you have.
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(SNIFFS)
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(TOASTER) Would you like some toast?
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- Uh-uh.
- Some nice buttered toast?
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Uh-uh.
- No toast, then?
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No.
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- What about a muffin?
- Nothing.
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You last had toast 18 days ago.11.36, Tuesday 3rd. Two rounds.
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Shh!
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Why buy a toaster with artificialintelligence if you don't like toast?
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- I do like toast.
- I mean, this is my jobl
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- This is just cruel.
- I'm busy.
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- Not busy eating toast, are you (?)
- I don't want any!
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The purpose of my existenceis to serve you with scrummy toast.
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If you don't want any,my existence is meaningless.
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- Good.
- I toast, therefore I am.
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Will you shut up?
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(SNIFFS)
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What are you doing?
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00:05:01,447 --> 00:05:03,438
- I'm reading.
- With your nose?
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00:05:03,527 --> 00:05:06,325
It's a cat book. They use smells.
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You run your nose along
and different smells are released.
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What a pathetic idea.
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00:05:12,127 --> 00:05:15,517
Unlike you, my mind is open to new cultures,
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new ways of looking at things.
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- And what does it say?
- It says, "See Dick run.
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"Run, Dick, run.
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"Run... home, Dick."
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That's the cat equivalent of Shakespeare, is it?
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Shakespeare? Who's Shakespeare?
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You moron. An old playwright.
Wilfred Shakespeare.
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I'm just starting.
This is for three-year-olds. You should try it.
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I'm not interested in smelling
anything cats have to say.
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You don't know what you're missing.
86
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There's one where Dick buys this ball...
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this big ball... this big red ball.
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It's amazing stuff.
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You ought to try reading your shirt.
It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo.
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00:06:02,087 --> 00:06:06,080
Anyway, if you're interested,
Holly's spotted... Is that my shirt?
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00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:08,886
- Yeah. I borrowed it.
- What's that?
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00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:12,277
That's definitely biscuit. Erm, that's custard...
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00:06:12,367 --> 00:06:15,086
Ink... just general sort of dirty marks.
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- You can't go through my possessions!
- You don't need them.
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- Because I'm dead?
- Yeah.
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00:06:21,327 --> 00:06:23,318
Holograms don't need clothes.
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They're mine! Would you steal
verruca cream from a man with no feet?
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What if I stole your favourite
T-shirt with the custard stains?
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- I wouldn't care.
- Stay out of my wardrobe.
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0K, 0K.
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You keep your underpants
on coat-hangers, don't you?
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That's private!
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0K, Rimmer, 0K. Take the shirt back.
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I don't want it. You've sweated in it.
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- What D0 you want?
- Just keep out of my things.
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- 0K, 0K. What's Holly spotted?
- An unidentified object.
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- You mean a rock.
- It might not be.
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- They're always rocks.
- Mostly, I agree,
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but maybe this one's different.
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There's nobody out there.
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No alien monsters, no Zargon warships,
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no beautiful blondes with beehive hairdos,
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who say, "Show me more
of this thing called kissing."
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There's just us, the Cat and lots
of smegging rocks. That's it. Finito.
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If that's true, what's the point of existence?
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Beats me. Do you want some toast?
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(HOLLY) Arnold, the unidentifiedobject is now in visual range.
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All right, Holly. I'm on my way.
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Aow! Nice jump. Hey!
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Smooth with a capital "smoo".
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0K, time to get out the food detector.
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This way. Aow! 0oh!
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Yeah, yeah! This way.
124
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Aow! This way!
125
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Ah, you. Where have you been?
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Investigating. Investigating this,
investigating that.
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- General investigation.
- General investigation, eh?
128
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- Ah, splendid!
- Thank you.
129
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- Keep it up.
- 0K.
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Fine. Well, excuse me...
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Hey! You can't have my shiny thing! It's mine.
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What are you drivelling about?
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This is my shiny thing.
If you try and take it, I'll eat you.
134
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It's a yo-yo, you modo.
135
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It does two amazing things.
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0ne, you have the shiny thing at the top,
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or - and this is the clever part -
you have the string at the top.
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(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
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Wowee! You haven't the slightest clue
what it's for, do you?
140
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Sure I do, grease stain.
You hold the shiny thing and go...
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Aow! The string's moving!
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Hey! Stop that thing! Catch that string!
143
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- Where is it?
- It's in scoop range, Arnold.
144
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It's a pod!
145
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Holly, bring it in!
146
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Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm back!
147
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Feeling good! Feed me.
148
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I haven't seen you for ages. Where've you been?
149
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- Investigating.
- Got you some crispies.
150
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Yeah, yeah, yeah!
151
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I read the book. It's got a brilliant ending.
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I could hardly believe me nose.
153
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Forget that. Got you the one
you asked about. The Holy Book.
154
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0h, great!
155
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(SNIFFS)
156
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Hey! Pictures!
157
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Yeah! That's a cat thing.
158
00:10:01,527 --> 00:10:06,601
In books, we have drawings
of things and call them "pictures".
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00:10:06,687 --> 00:10:08,678
We have pictures, too.
160
00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:11,486
You monkeys are smarter than I thought.
161
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- This is me!
- That's not you. That's Cloister.
162
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He was the father of the cat people.
163
00:10:18,647 --> 00:10:21,798
- Who's that?
- That's him frozen in time.
164
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That's me in stasis.
That's what "frozen in time" is.
165
00:10:25,687 --> 00:10:30,078
- He did that to save Frankenstein.
- Frankenstein was my pet cat!
166
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:33,318
Look, Lister, Cloister. Cloister, Lister! See?
167
00:10:33,407 --> 00:10:37,958
Listen, you stupid monkey,
Cloister's another name for God!
168
00:10:38,047 --> 00:10:41,756
That's what I'm saying. I am your God.
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00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:49,245
0K. Turn this into a woman.
170
00:10:51,327 --> 00:10:53,921
- I'm serious.
- So am I!
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00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:58,285
Look, Frankenstein was my pet cat, right?
And she was pregnant.
172
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I got put into suspended animation
for three million years.
173
00:11:04,127 --> 00:11:06,880
- You oversleep? So do I.
- No!
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00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:10,039
I'm saying that over those three million years,
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00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:13,802
your entire race evolved from my pet cat.
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Ah, I gotta go now, man,
but let's do lunch some time.
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I'll put it in my diary. "12.30, lunch with God."
178
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Formal dress, you know what I'm saying?
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00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:27,558
It is true, you know.
180
00:11:27,647 --> 00:11:33,358
Then the ultimate question
is, if you're God, why that face?
181
00:11:33,447 --> 00:11:36,598
- What's wrong with my face?
- What's wrong?
182
00:11:36,687 --> 00:11:41,442
It's upside down and inside out,
that's what's wrong with it. Aow!
183
00:11:41,527 --> 00:11:43,518
- Holly?
- Yes, Dave?
184
00:11:43,607 --> 00:11:47,680
If I give you my cat dictionary,
can you translate this?
185
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:51,123
(HOLLY) I'll give it a go, Dave.(TOASTER) I'll do it.
186
00:11:51,207 --> 00:11:53,198
You're a toaster.
187
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:57,326
I'm packing it in.I'm becoming something I don't like.
188
00:11:57,407 --> 00:12:00,763
- I'm not a moaner.
- No, you're a toaster.
189
00:12:00,847 --> 00:12:04,522
It just strikes methat there might be something more,
190
00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:08,520
something unimaginablymore splendid than heating bread.
191
00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:11,758
Lister, it's arrived!
192
00:12:11,847 --> 00:12:14,281
- What has?
- The U0! It's a pod!
193
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,119
- Where?
- The observation room.
194
00:12:16,207 --> 00:12:18,357
No point in running, Lister.
195
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:21,837
It's mine. I found it. I've got bagsies.
196
00:12:21,927 --> 00:12:24,282
He's such a child, that boy.
197
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:29,960
- Is it safe, Holly?
- Yes, Dave.
198
00:12:31,407 --> 00:12:33,716
No point in running. It's mine.
199
00:12:33,807 --> 00:12:37,356
Calm down. Dead people
can have heart attacks, too.
200
00:12:37,447 --> 00:12:40,644
- What is it?
- It's obviously some alien capsule,
201
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,082
and clearly they're intelligent, Lister.
202
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:48,241
The chance to meet an intelligent
life form after 18 weeks with you.
203
00:12:48,327 --> 00:12:51,285
0K, Mr Intelligence, what are those markings?
204
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:55,326
Well, I don't know.
I don't speak alien, you gimboid.
205
00:12:56,127 --> 00:12:57,799
(SATISFIED SIGH)
206
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:01,917
What are you doing? It's quarantined!
207
00:13:02,007 --> 00:13:05,841
You might get some
slimy thing stuck to your face!
208
00:13:05,927 --> 00:13:09,283
0f course it's safe. Come in. Come on...
209
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:10,766
(GASPS)
210
00:13:18,727 --> 00:13:23,323
Ha-ha-ha (!) Tee-hee (!)
All right, we'll play it your way.
211
00:13:23,407 --> 00:13:26,843
But don't think you're coming out.
You're in quarantine.
212
00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:31,717
- What did you say, Rimmer?
- Why do you never do what I say?
213
00:13:31,807 --> 00:13:34,367
There's a reason why I'm your superior.
214
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:38,201
You've been here 15 years,
I've been here eight months.
215
00:13:38,287 --> 00:13:41,085
No, it's because I'm better than you.
216
00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:43,761
Better trained, better equipped, better...
217
00:13:43,847 --> 00:13:47,442
Better. Just... better.
218
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,722
So, everyone else is better than you.
219
00:13:49,807 --> 00:13:54,676
No, I'm not going to let you bait me.
This is too important.
220
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:59,079
Just you wait here
till I get back with the skutters.
221
00:14:03,007 --> 00:14:06,079
0h, Rimmer's such a smeghead, man.
222
00:14:08,327 --> 00:14:10,636
Hey, hang on a minute.
223
00:14:12,447 --> 00:14:14,483
Give me an R...
224
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:17,286
Give me an E...
225
00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:19,642
Give me a D...
226
00:14:19,727 --> 00:14:23,003
Give me a Red Dwarf garbage pod!
227
00:14:24,487 --> 00:14:28,526
Holly? Did Rimmer never work
in waste disposal?
228
00:14:28,607 --> 00:14:30,199
No, Dave.
229
00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:34,803
It's one of our garbage pods
with the writing burnt off in places.
230
00:14:34,887 --> 00:14:39,165
- Why didn't you tell him?
- Well, it's a laugh, innit?
231
00:14:42,847 --> 00:14:46,123
(RIMMER) After intensive investigation, comma,
232
00:14:46,207 --> 00:14:49,995
of the markings on the alien pod, comma,
233
00:14:50,087 --> 00:14:52,442
it has become clear, comma,
234
00:14:52,527 --> 00:14:54,518
to me, comma,
235
00:14:54,607 --> 00:14:56,598
that we are dealing, comma,
236
00:14:56,687 --> 00:15:00,202
with a species of awesome intellect, colon.
237
00:15:00,287 --> 00:15:04,200
(HOLLY) Good. Perhaps they can helpwith your punctuation.
238
00:15:04,287 --> 00:15:06,278
(RIMMER) Shut up.
239
00:15:09,007 --> 00:15:10,804
(SN0RING)
240
00:15:12,047 --> 00:15:13,844
Lights.
241
00:15:15,327 --> 00:15:17,966
Are you awake? Lister?
242
00:15:18,927 --> 00:15:20,724
Lister?
243
00:15:21,727 --> 00:15:23,524
(SCREAMS) Lister!
244
00:15:23,607 --> 00:15:26,565
- Are you awake?
- Yeah, yeah.
245
00:15:26,647 --> 00:15:29,115
Yeah, I couldn't sleep either.
246
00:15:29,207 --> 00:15:31,562
- It's the excitement.
- What excitement?
247
00:15:31,647 --> 00:15:34,207
- The alien excitement!
- Rimmer, it's garbage.
248
00:15:34,287 --> 00:15:38,917
You can scoff, Lister. They laughed
at Galileo. They laughed at Edison.
249
00:15:39,007 --> 00:15:41,680
- They laughed at Columbo.
- Who's Columbo?
250
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:45,476
The man with the dirty mac
who discovered America.
251
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:49,401
- What makes you think aliens exist?
- They must do, Lister.
252
00:15:49,487 --> 00:15:54,163
There's so many things
that we don't have an explanation for.
253
00:15:54,247 --> 00:15:59,879
Like why do intelligent people buy
cinema hot dogs? That sort of thing?
254
00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:02,527
No, Lister, I mean like the pyramids.
255
00:16:02,607 --> 00:16:06,646
How did they move such massive stones
without modern technology?
256
00:16:06,727 --> 00:16:09,878
They had massive whips, Rimmer.
Massive, massive whips.
257
00:16:09,967 --> 00:16:14,404
All right, then, the Bermuda Triangle.
Go on, explain that one.
258
00:16:14,487 --> 00:16:19,880
No, that is a genuine mystery.
How did that song ever become a hit?
259
00:16:19,967 --> 00:16:24,563
Why do I bother? I'd get more sense
out of a squashed hedgehog.
260
00:16:24,647 --> 00:16:29,004
Don't you ever wonder why we're here?
What's the grand purpose?
261
00:16:29,087 --> 00:16:33,239
Why does it have to be such a big deal?
262
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,795
Humans might be a planetary disease,
263
00:16:35,887 --> 00:16:39,277
like Earth's got German measles
or facial herpes, right?
264
00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:43,280
That's why the other planets
give us such a wide berth.
265
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:46,962
It's like, "Don't go near Earth,
it's got human beings!"
266
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:51,677
So, you're saying, Lister,
you're an intergalactic, pus-filled sore?
267
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:54,679
At last, Lister, we agree on something.
268
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:58,237
What about you? Do you believe in God?
269
00:16:58,327 --> 00:17:01,000
Certainly not! What a preposterous thought!
270
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:03,078
I believe in aliens, Lister.
271
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:05,886
0h, right, fine. Something sensible at last.
272
00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:11,837
Aliens with technology so advanced
we can't even begin to imagine.
273
00:17:11,927 --> 00:17:13,918
That's not difficult.
274
00:17:14,007 --> 00:17:17,761
Mankind can't even create a toupee
that doesn't get laughs.
275
00:17:17,847 --> 00:17:20,998
Aliens who can give me a real body.
276
00:17:21,087 --> 00:17:26,480
0oh, I can't wait to see your face
in the morning, I really can't.
277
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:29,206
Nor I yours, when that pod opens
278
00:17:29,287 --> 00:17:32,324
and from it emerges a beautiful alien woman
279
00:17:32,407 --> 00:17:35,365
with long green hair and six breasts.
280
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:38,564
Six breasts?!
281
00:17:38,647 --> 00:17:41,923
Imagine making love
to a woman with six breasts!
282
00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:44,760
Imagine making love to a woman.
283
00:17:52,647 --> 00:17:55,684
Good morning. How can I help you?
284
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:59,646
- Bonjour. Um, give me breakfast.
- What would you like?
285
00:17:59,727 --> 00:18:03,276
Er... chicken vindaloo and a milkshake.
286
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:06,404
- What flavour milkshake?
- Um... beer.
287
00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:08,284
(MACHINE HUMS)
288
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:11,006
(HOLLY) Morning, Dave.I've finished your translation.
289
00:18:11,087 --> 00:18:15,842
- Who's Cloister? Is it me?
- Yes. The cats made you their god.
290
00:18:15,927 --> 00:18:19,158
Hey! Working-class kid makes good!
291
00:18:19,247 --> 00:18:24,765
Your plan to move to Fiji and opena diner became their image of heaven.
292
00:18:24,847 --> 00:18:27,884
- What?
- "And Cloister spake,
293
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:33,280
"'Lo, I shall lead you to Fuchal.We shall open a temple of food,
294
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:37,360
"'wherein shall be sausagesand all manner of bountiful things.
295
00:18:37,447 --> 00:18:40,564
"'Yea, even individual sachets of mustard.
296
00:18:40,647 --> 00:18:44,606
"'And those who serveshall wear hats of great majesty,
297
00:18:44,687 --> 00:18:48,600
"'though they be made of cardboardwith humorous arrows. "'
298
00:18:50,887 --> 00:18:53,447
Does it say what happened
to the rest of the cats?
299
00:18:53,527 --> 00:18:57,679
Holy wars, thousands of yearsof fighting between the two factions.
300
00:18:57,767 --> 00:19:01,203
- What two factions?
- The ones who wanted red hats
301
00:19:01,287 --> 00:19:03,562
and those who wanted blue hats.
302
00:19:03,647 --> 00:19:08,277
They had a war over whether
the diner hats were red or blue?
303
00:19:08,367 --> 00:19:12,280
Yeah. Most of them were killed.It's daft really, innit?
304
00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:16,246
You're not kidding.
They were supposed to be green.
305
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:21,325
- Go on, Hol.
- Finally, they called a truce,
306
00:19:21,407 --> 00:19:25,366
built two arks and left Red Dwarfin search of Fuchal.
307
00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:29,156
But there's no such place.
How would they find it?
308
00:19:29,247 --> 00:19:31,886
"Cloister gave to Frankensteinthe sacred writing,
309
00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:35,721
"saying, 'Those who have wisdomwill know its meaning. '
310
00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:40,278
"And it was written thus.Seven socks, one shirt..."
311
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:44,724
That's my laundry list!
I lined the cat's basket with it!
312
00:19:44,807 --> 00:19:48,880
They thought it was a chartleading to the promised land.
313
00:19:48,967 --> 00:19:51,959
Well, it wasn't. It was my dirty washing.
314
00:19:52,647 --> 00:19:54,638
What happened next, Hol?
315
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,685
"And the first arkfollowed the sacred signs,
316
00:19:57,767 --> 00:20:01,282
"and lo, they flew straightinto an asteroid.
317
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:05,599
"The second ark flew ever onward,knowing they were indeed righteous. "
318
00:20:05,687 --> 00:20:08,520
This is terrible. Holy wars. Killing.
319
00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:13,317
They're using religion as an excuse
to be extremely crappy to each other.
320
00:20:13,407 --> 00:20:15,398
So, what else is new?
321
00:20:16,327 --> 00:20:18,318
I'm not interested.
322
00:20:18,407 --> 00:20:21,365
They killed each other over cardboard hats.
323
00:20:21,447 --> 00:20:23,881
- I'm not interested.
- Isn't it amazing?
324
00:20:23,967 --> 00:20:27,437
People who didn't eat hot dogs
on Fuchal Day
325
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:30,200
were stoned to death by stale doughnuts.
326
00:20:30,287 --> 00:20:33,279
What should I say?
"Congratulations, you're God"?
327
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:36,006
I'm talking about the suffering. People died.
328
00:20:36,087 --> 00:20:38,362
I mean cats... Cat people died.
329
00:20:38,447 --> 00:20:41,007
You're just rubbing my nose in it.
330
00:20:41,087 --> 00:20:45,763
I could've been God, given the lucky
show-biz break you had.
331
00:20:45,847 --> 00:20:51,001
- I don't want to be a god.
- Vomitisation! I don't believe it!
332
00:20:51,087 --> 00:20:54,284
"I'm God, but it's a drag." Come on!
333
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:57,598
I'm not a god! I've just been... misquoted.
334
00:20:57,687 --> 00:20:59,678
Anyone who reads meaning
335
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:02,964
into any old gobbledygook
deserves everything they get.
336
00:21:03,047 --> 00:21:06,164
If I'd had eight socks on my list,
337
00:21:06,247 --> 00:21:11,196
or if I owned more than one pair
of underpants, they might've have been safe.
338
00:21:11,287 --> 00:21:14,324
I wish I could meet them and apologise.
339
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:18,719
Well, that would look spectacular.
God returns in all his splendour,
340
00:21:18,807 --> 00:21:21,401
and says, "Sorry for the cock-up!"
341
00:21:21,487 --> 00:21:25,765
- I didn't ask to become their god!
- I didn't ask to be killed.
342
00:21:25,847 --> 00:21:28,884
Life's a bitch. Now smeg off, I'm busy.
343
00:21:28,967 --> 00:21:34,246
They just made stuff up. I'm supposed
to have given them five sacred laws.
344
00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:36,318
I've broken four myself.
345
00:21:36,407 --> 00:21:40,446
I'd have broken the fifth,
but there's no sheep on board.
346
00:21:40,527 --> 00:21:44,361
- Bye-bye.
- What sort of holy writ is this...?
347
00:21:44,447 --> 00:21:49,316
- "It is a sin to be cool."
- I'm sick of hearing about cats!
348
00:21:49,407 --> 00:21:53,446
My concerns are more meaningful
than stupid smegging cardboard hats!
349
00:21:53,527 --> 00:21:55,643
I'm trying to decipher this!
350
00:21:55,727 --> 00:22:00,278
This is science. You can smirk,
but I believe the Quagaars...
351
00:22:00,367 --> 00:22:03,518
- Quagars?
- Quagaars! It's a name I made up.
352
00:22:03,607 --> 00:22:08,237
Double A. I believe the Quagaars
can give me a new body!
353
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,478
- Never mind this tot, where's the Cat?
- Tot?!
354
00:22:11,727 --> 00:22:13,718
- Tot.
- Tot?!
355
00:22:13,807 --> 00:22:15,365
- Tot!
- Tot?!
356
00:22:15,447 --> 00:22:19,281
We'll see what's tot.
The quarantine period's nearly up!
357
00:22:20,127 --> 00:22:21,719
Bastard!
358
00:22:23,767 --> 00:22:25,564
Cat? Cat?
359
00:22:25,647 --> 00:22:27,239
(H0NKS H0RN)
360
00:22:28,087 --> 00:22:30,078
Holly, where's the Cat?
361
00:22:30,167 --> 00:22:32,635
He's no longer in my supervision field.
362
00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:34,843
He's on the cargo decks.
363
00:22:34,927 --> 00:22:38,761
I lost him as he entered Supply Pipe 28.
364
00:22:38,847 --> 00:22:41,680
Cat? Cat?
365
00:22:42,287 --> 00:22:44,517
Cat! Come on, Cat.
366
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:49,765
Miaow! Come on, kitty, kitty!
367
00:22:50,847 --> 00:22:55,477
Cat, come on. The crispies are getting warm.
368
00:22:55,567 --> 00:22:57,683
Come on. Cat, come on.
369
00:23:00,287 --> 00:23:02,403
Aow! Yeah! Yeah-yeah-yeah!
370
00:23:02,487 --> 00:23:05,843
Hey, fellas! Yes, sir. I'm back!
371
00:23:05,927 --> 00:23:08,964
Feeling good! Feed me.
372
00:23:09,047 --> 00:23:11,436
You're always leaving. Where do you go?
373
00:23:11,527 --> 00:23:14,087
Investigating! See, I have these feet...
374
00:23:14,167 --> 00:23:17,603
- I'm dying.
- I'm telling you about my feet.
375
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:21,680
- My investigating feet.
- Don't you hear me? I'm dying!
376
00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:24,327
Yeah, but I'm talking about my feet.
377
00:23:24,407 --> 00:23:29,879
Why should you listen to me,
a blind old priest that's lost his faith?
378
00:23:29,967 --> 00:23:33,323
I'm not listening. I'm talking about my feet.
379
00:23:33,407 --> 00:23:36,319
- What do you care?
- I don't care!
380
00:23:36,407 --> 00:23:40,320
You're the one who's dying.
Why should it spoil my evening?
381
00:23:41,847 --> 00:23:43,439
Cat?
382
00:23:45,527 --> 00:23:47,006
Cat?
383
00:23:51,127 --> 00:23:56,360
0oh, when I get you,
I'm going to turn you into a kebab.
384
00:23:56,447 --> 00:23:59,166
Holly? Can you still hear me?
385
00:24:03,247 --> 00:24:04,726
Cat?
386
00:24:05,087 --> 00:24:06,486
Here.
387
00:24:07,207 --> 00:24:09,675
Burn the sacred hat.
388
00:24:09,767 --> 00:24:12,042
That's a fearsome hat.
389
00:24:12,127 --> 00:24:15,324
Burn it! It's a symbol of the lies.
390
00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:22,041
- It's burnt.
- All my life I've served a lie.
391
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:25,642
Because you're not there, Cloister, are you?
392
00:24:25,727 --> 00:24:27,718
You've never been there!
393
00:24:28,767 --> 00:24:31,565
Y0U D0N'T EXIST!
394
00:24:35,047 --> 00:24:37,561
- Who's that?
- It is I, Cloister!
395
00:24:37,647 --> 00:24:41,640
- Who is it, boy?
- It's Cloister. I've returnethed.
396
00:24:41,727 --> 00:24:44,241
Is it him? Is it truly him?
397
00:24:44,327 --> 00:24:47,842
- Does he look like a king?
- A king?! Yeah!
398
00:24:47,927 --> 00:24:51,078
Is he wearing the doughnut
and golden sausage?
399
00:24:51,167 --> 00:24:52,600
Yeah!
400
00:24:52,687 --> 00:24:55,963
Then it truly is him!
401
00:24:56,047 --> 00:24:59,483
0h, I've failed you, Cloister.
402
00:24:59,567 --> 00:25:02,445
All these years, I kept my faith.
403
00:25:02,527 --> 00:25:07,442
I wore the Holy Custard Stain
and the Sacred Gravy Marks.
404
00:25:08,487 --> 00:25:10,637
I renounced coolness,
405
00:25:10,727 --> 00:25:14,606
and chose the righteous path of slobbiness.
406
00:25:14,687 --> 00:25:18,521
But in the end, I failed you.
407
00:25:18,607 --> 00:25:22,998
Why didn't you go on the arks
with the other cats?
408
00:25:23,087 --> 00:25:27,365
They left us behind. The sick and the lame.
409
00:25:27,447 --> 00:25:29,677
Left us to die.
410
00:25:29,767 --> 00:25:35,125
But then the boy was born
to the cripple and the idiot.
411
00:25:35,207 --> 00:25:38,517
- What idiot?
- Your father, boy.
412
00:25:38,607 --> 00:25:43,681
- My father was a jellybrain?
- That's why he ate his own feet.
413
00:25:43,767 --> 00:25:45,439
I did wonder.
414
00:25:45,527 --> 00:25:50,442
As one by one we died, my faith died also.
415
00:25:50,527 --> 00:25:55,726
You tested me, Cloister, and I failed you.
416
00:25:55,807 --> 00:25:59,197
0h, no, you didn't fail, old man. You passed.
417
00:25:59,287 --> 00:26:02,916
I'm giving you...
I'm giving you an A+ distinction.
418
00:26:04,047 --> 00:26:07,198
There's a place for me on Fuchal?
419
00:26:07,287 --> 00:26:11,439
A place? Got your own bathroom,
en suite, cork floors,
420
00:26:11,527 --> 00:26:15,236
your own barbecue on the patio,
a phone, everything!
421
00:26:15,327 --> 00:26:17,318
0h! My hat!
422
00:26:17,407 --> 00:26:21,605
I've burned my sacred hat!
423
00:26:21,687 --> 00:26:23,678
No, you haven't!
424
00:26:26,687 --> 00:26:28,678
A miracle!
425
00:26:29,367 --> 00:26:34,521
This is the happiest day of my...
(GR0ANS)
426
00:26:42,327 --> 00:26:45,797
Did I ever tell you about my investigating feet?
427
00:26:45,887 --> 00:26:48,560
0nce, there was an old man...
428
00:26:57,487 --> 00:26:59,603
Well? Are you ready, Rimmer?
429
00:26:59,687 --> 00:27:01,678
0pen it! 0pen it!
430
00:27:03,607 --> 00:27:07,395
- Well? What's there?
- Are you sure you're ready?
431
00:27:07,487 --> 00:27:10,479
Yes! Come on, you gimboid!
432
00:27:13,687 --> 00:27:19,364
Incredible! A stupendous moment
in my own personal history!
433
00:27:19,447 --> 00:27:24,157
The perfectly preserved remains
of a Quagaar warrior!
434
00:27:24,247 --> 00:27:26,477
Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.
435
00:27:26,567 --> 00:27:29,957
They must have looked something like...
436
00:27:30,047 --> 00:27:32,038
a roast chicken.
437
00:27:37,167 --> 00:27:38,964
# It's cold outside
438
00:27:39,047 --> 00:27:40,560
# There's no kind of atmosphere... #
439
00:27:40,647 --> 00:27:42,638
(RIMMER) It's a garbage pod!
440
00:27:42,727 --> 00:27:45,844
# I'm all alone, more or less... #
441
00:27:45,927 --> 00:27:48,361
(RIMMER) It's a smegging garbage pod!
442
00:27:48,447 --> 00:27:51,644
# Let me fly far away from here
443
00:27:51,727 --> 00:27:54,605
# Fun, fun, fun
444
00:27:54,687 --> 00:27:58,236
# In the sun, sun, sun
445
00:27:58,327 --> 00:28:01,603
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
446
00:28:01,687 --> 00:28:04,884
# Drinking fresh mango juice
447
00:28:04,967 --> 00:28:08,403
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
448
00:28:08,487 --> 00:28:11,126
# Fun, fun, fun
449
00:28:11,207 --> 00:28:14,756
# In the sun, sun, sun
450
00:28:14,847 --> 00:28:17,520
# Fun, fun, fun
451
00:28:17,607 --> 00:28:21,964
# In the sun, sun, sun #
35077
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