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1
00:01:03,561 --> 00:01:07,081
This is an 505 distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
2
00:01:07,161 --> 00:01:10,241
The crew are dead
killed by a radiation leak.
3
00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,121
The only survivors
were Dave Lister,
4
00:01:12,201 --> 00:01:14,881
who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,
5
00:01:14,961 --> 00:01:17,881
and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.
6
00:01:17,961 --> 00:01:19,921
Revived three
million years later,
7
00:01:20,001 --> 00:01:23,601
Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat
8
00:01:23,681 --> 00:01:28,041
and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.
9
00:01:29,521 --> 00:01:31,641
In the three million years
we've been away,
10
00:01:31,721 --> 00:01:34,561
it is my fond hope
that mankind has abolished war,
11
00:01:34,641 --> 00:01:37,881
cured all disease and got rid
of those little Western saloon doors
12
00:01:37,961 --> 00:01:40,281
you get in trendy clothes shops.
13
00:01:41,481 --> 00:01:44,921
One hundred and forty thousand
rehydratable chickens.
14
00:01:45,041 --> 00:01:46,241
Check.
15
00:01:46,321 --> 00:01:49,361
Seventy-two tons
of reconstituted sausage patty.
16
00:01:49,441 --> 00:01:50,601
Check.
17
00:01:50,681 --> 00:01:53,961
Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.
18
00:01:54,041 --> 00:01:55,961
Rimmer, it's Saturday night.
I've had enough.
19
00:01:56,041 --> 00:01:59,001
Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.
20
00:01:59,081 --> 00:02:01,681
Rimmer, it's Saturday night.
I want to boogie on down.
21
00:02:01,761 --> 00:02:05,281
Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.
22
00:02:05,361 --> 00:02:08,281
We've been doing this for four hours.
Let's have a break.
23
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:11,761
Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.
24
00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:17,161
Rimmer, will you stop saying "4,981
irradiated haggis" and speak to me?
25
00:02:18,841 --> 00:02:21,401
Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.
26
00:02:21,481 --> 00:02:23,041
Rimmer, I want to go for a drink.
27
00:02:23,761 --> 00:02:26,201
Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.
28
00:02:26,281 --> 00:02:29,801
- I want to have some fun.
- This is fun. Are you mad?
29
00:02:31,081 --> 00:02:34,481
You read something out,
I say "check." Where's the fun?
30
00:02:34,761 --> 00:02:38,761
All right. We'll put you in command
for a few seconds, Cap-i-tan.
31
00:02:38,841 --> 00:02:40,881
What's the plan, sir?
Come on, lickety-split.
32
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,601
- Go back to Earth.
- And in the meantime?
33
00:02:43,841 --> 00:02:47,281
I don't know, generally slob around,
have a few laughs.
34
00:02:47,641 --> 00:02:51,401
Excellent plan, Lister.
Excellent plan. Brilliant plan.
35
00:02:51,481 --> 00:02:54,441
There was me thinking you hadn't
thought about it, when clearly you have.
36
00:02:54,521 --> 00:02:57,481
Right, I'll just stand over here
and laugh slobbily, shall I?
37
00:02:57,561 --> 00:03:00,681
Well, I'm going for a drink.
Give me me cigarettes.
38
00:03:00,761 --> 00:03:04,521
- I only owe you four and three quarters.
- You owe me five.
39
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:07,761
It's one cigarette
for each day you obey me.
40
00:03:07,841 --> 00:03:09,841
Well, there you go.
Five days, five cigarettes.
41
00:03:09,921 --> 00:03:11,961
Ah, but I'm penalising you
a quarter of a cigarette
42
00:03:12,041 --> 00:03:14,161
for saying "check"
in a variety of silly voices,
43
00:03:14,241 --> 00:03:18,441
- while doing the homogenised puddings.
- Well, I'm taking five.
44
00:03:18,521 --> 00:03:22,121
You take five, Lister, I'll eject
the rest of the ship's stock into space.
45
00:03:22,841 --> 00:03:25,921
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
So they're somewhere near an airlock?
46
00:03:26,001 --> 00:03:28,521
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You'll never find them, Lister.
47
00:03:28,601 --> 00:03:31,161
I was always a master at
Hide and Seek as a child.
48
00:03:31,241 --> 00:03:32,481
It's not a gift you lose.
49
00:03:33,841 --> 00:03:37,481
- Okay, quark brain.
- Even it out. Take out the flaky bits.
50
00:03:39,081 --> 00:03:41,921
Oh, I really,
really hate you, Rimmer.
51
00:03:42,001 --> 00:03:46,081
Have a lovely, lovely time, Lister.
Give my regards to the air.
52
00:03:55,161 --> 00:03:58,721
Lights. Holly,
why Rimmer as a hologram?
53
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:01,961
Why did you have to bring
Rimmer's hologram back?
54
00:04:02,801 --> 00:04:05,561
He was the most unpopular man
on board this ship.
55
00:04:05,641 --> 00:04:09,721
I mean, he even had to organise
his own surprise birthday parties.
56
00:04:10,561 --> 00:04:15,121
- Who should I have brought back, then?
- Anyone. Chen, Petersen.
57
00:04:15,241 --> 00:04:18,361
I mean, Hermann Goring would have been
more of a laugh than Rimmer.
58
00:04:18,441 --> 00:04:20,761
I mean, okay, he was
a drug-crazed transvestite,
59
00:04:20,841 --> 00:04:24,281
but at least we
could have gone dancing. Water.
60
00:04:24,521 --> 00:04:27,721
I brought Rimmer back because
he's the best person to keep you sane.
61
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,001
Oh, crap.
62
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,001
Not you.
63
00:04:32,081 --> 00:04:36,081
I do apologise. I wasn't
paying attention. See you later.
64
00:04:36,161 --> 00:04:39,721
What about Kristine Kochanski?
You could have brought Kristine back.
65
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:41,041
Your entire life,
66
00:04:41,121 --> 00:04:44,721
your shared conversations with her
totalled 773 words.
67
00:04:44,801 --> 00:04:46,921
- So?
- In terms of wordage,
68
00:04:47,001 --> 00:04:49,417
you actually had a better relationship
with your rubber plant.
69
00:04:49,441 --> 00:04:50,881
I know, but Rimmer!
70
00:04:50,961 --> 00:04:54,641
He '5 the person you knew best.
Over 74 million words in all.
71
00:04:54,721 --> 00:04:58,161
Holly, seven million of those
were me telling him to smeg off
72
00:04:58,241 --> 00:05:00,377
and the other seven million were him
putting me on report
73
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:03,721
- for telling him to smeg off.
Jean-Paul Sartre said
74
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,601
”Hell was being locked forever
in a room with your friends. ”
75
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:09,081
Holly,
all his mates were French.
76
00:05:37,121 --> 00:05:40,241
I have been to Titan,
I have been to Juno,
77
00:05:40,321 --> 00:05:43,921
I can name eight things
that go in jars that you know.
78
00:05:44,521 --> 00:05:46,041
Pickles.
79
00:05:46,121 --> 00:05:47,201
Jam.
80
00:05:47,761 --> 00:05:49,081
Spaghetti.
81
00:05:49,441 --> 00:05:52,761
- Brains.
- Ugh! What, in jars?
82
00:05:52,841 --> 00:05:55,241
Well, me uncle's brain's in a jar.
It's really sad.
83
00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,721
- Why is it sad?
- He's not dead yet.
84
00:05:59,041 --> 00:06:02,201
Right, everybody's punished.
Finish your drinks.
85
00:06:11,041 --> 00:06:12,921
Could you move, please?
Excuse me?
86
00:06:13,001 --> 00:06:15,537
Some of us have more important
things to do than wiggle our posteriors.
87
00:06:15,561 --> 00:06:17,617
Could you move, please, please?
Thank you. Could you move?
88
00:06:17,641 --> 00:06:21,481
Excuse me, please. Excuse me.
Excuse me, please. Excuse me.
89
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:24,921
If you want to dance,
do it over there.
90
00:06:25,001 --> 00:06:26,601
- Oi!
- Sorry.
91
00:06:34,601 --> 00:06:37,321
That woman's out of your league.
She's just too classy for you.
92
00:06:37,401 --> 00:06:39,041
- Who is she?
- Kochanski.
93
00:06:39,121 --> 00:06:40,961
I've got no big thing
about Kochanski.
94
00:06:41,041 --> 00:06:43,881
Stick to your usual type.
Women with little wispy beards
95
00:06:43,961 --> 00:06:47,321
who wear three overcoats
and carry little bags full of string.
96
00:06:47,401 --> 00:06:49,001
- Kristine Kochanski?
- Shut up.
97
00:06:49,081 --> 00:06:50,801
What, Officer Kristine Kochanski?
98
00:06:50,881 --> 00:06:53,241
Selby! Have you ever eaten
a coconut whole?
99
00:06:53,321 --> 00:06:56,961
Nah, you've no chance with her.
You're just too ugly.
100
00:06:57,041 --> 00:07:01,161
Listen, half-drum head, I've got
no big thing about Kristine Kochanski.
101
00:07:01,241 --> 00:07:02,961
- I have.
- So have I.
102
00:07:04,721 --> 00:07:05,801
Whoa.
103
00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:09,841
- Lister, where's my revision timetable?
- It's Saturday night!
104
00:07:09,921 --> 00:07:11,761
Come on,
no one works Saturday night.
105
00:07:11,841 --> 00:07:13,881
You don't work any night,
you don't work any day.
106
00:07:13,961 --> 00:07:16,361
Skive hard, play hard.
That's our motto.
107
00:07:16,961 --> 00:07:19,001
Look,
I've got my engineering resit on Monday.
108
00:07:19,081 --> 00:07:21,241
I don't know anything.
Where's my revision timetable?
109
00:07:21,321 --> 00:07:23,401
Wait, is this the thing
in all different colours
110
00:07:23,481 --> 00:07:26,481
with all the subjects divided
into study periods and rest periods,
111
00:07:26,561 --> 00:07:29,561
- and self-testing times?
- It took me seven weeks to make it.
112
00:07:29,641 --> 00:07:32,041
I've got to cram my whole revision
into one night.
113
00:07:32,121 --> 00:07:34,761
Hang on, is this the thing
with the note on it in red that said,
114
00:07:34,841 --> 00:07:38,081
"Vital, valuable, urgent.
Do not touch on pain of death?"
115
00:07:38,161 --> 00:07:40,001
- Yes.
- I threw It away.
116
00:07:41,481 --> 00:07:45,241
- Ha, ha. Tee-hee. Where is it?
- No, Rimsy. I pinned it up on the wall.
117
00:07:45,321 --> 00:07:48,041
- What? Why?
- To dry it out.
118
00:07:48,121 --> 00:07:50,961
- What do you mean, dry it out?
- Well, I spilt a goat vindaloo on it.
119
00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:53,377
Don't worry, it's a little bit red,
but you can read most of it.
120
00:07:53,401 --> 00:07:54,921
Especially if you
scrape the lumps off.
121
00:07:56,001 --> 00:07:58,001
You spoilt my...
No, I haven't got time.
122
00:07:58,081 --> 00:08:00,617
I'm taking learning drugs and all
I'm memorising is this conversation.
123
00:08:00,641 --> 00:08:03,561
- They're illegal.
- Where's my revision timetable, Lister?
124
00:08:03,641 --> 00:08:05,801
It's Saturday night.
No one works Saturday night.
125
00:08:05,881 --> 00:08:07,617
You don't work any night,
you don't work any day.
126
00:08:07,641 --> 00:08:11,081
Skive hard, play hard. That's my motto.
Lister, where is my revision timetable?
127
00:08:11,161 --> 00:08:13,161
It's Saturday night,
no one works Saturday night...
128
00:08:15,681 --> 00:08:18,601
I've been to Titan,
I've been to Melanski.
129
00:08:18,681 --> 00:08:21,481
I can name 90 men
who've slept with Kochanski.
130
00:08:21,561 --> 00:08:22,721
- Me.
- Me.
131
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,321
- Mel
- The London jet juniors!
132
00:08:24,401 --> 00:08:26,721
- The service droids!
- My mother!
133
00:08:27,281 --> 00:08:30,121
Okay, leave it alone.
Leave it.
134
00:08:35,441 --> 00:08:36,601
Alone.
135
00:08:43,521 --> 00:08:44,681
Argh!
136
00:08:54,441 --> 00:09:00,001
Ow! Ooh, baby. Hey. Jump back.
Come back. Hey.
137
00:09:01,521 --> 00:09:03,161
How am I looking?
138
00:09:05,121 --> 00:09:06,761
I'm looking nice.
139
00:09:08,121 --> 00:09:11,361
My hair is nice,
my face is nice, my suit is nice.
140
00:09:11,441 --> 00:09:15,241
I'm looking really nice.
Ow! Jump back!
141
00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:18,721
Ooh. Ah! Hey. Get down.
142
00:09:19,161 --> 00:09:21,241
Wonder how I'm looking now?
143
00:09:23,721 --> 00:09:26,121
Still looking nice.
My hair is still nice.
144
00:09:26,201 --> 00:09:30,001
My face is still nice.
My suit's... I'm just nice, period.
145
00:09:31,761 --> 00:09:34,441
Jump back. Get down.
Ooh, heh!
146
00:09:34,521 --> 00:09:38,441
Good evening, you stupid, stinking,
festering gimboid of a cat.
147
00:09:40,441 --> 00:09:43,961
Ah, you're going to put these
cigarettes back, aren't you?
148
00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:45,081
Are you crazy?
149
00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:49,201
This is my all-time best lucky find
I ever found in the whole of today.
150
00:09:49,281 --> 00:09:50,361
No, no, no.
151
00:09:50,441 --> 00:09:53,401
You are going to put these cigarettes
back quickly before he comes.
152
00:09:53,481 --> 00:09:56,361
- These are mine!
- They're not yours. Put them back.
153
00:09:56,441 --> 00:10:00,321
See this hand? It is mine.
See these things? They are mine.
154
00:10:00,401 --> 00:10:03,121
- I'll give you a fish.
- One fish? Ha.
155
00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:05,481
- Two fish.
- For all these shiny things?
156
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:08,721
I'll show you how to get
all the fish you'll ever need.
157
00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:10,961
- Five fish?
- Mmm.
158
00:10:11,401 --> 00:10:14,681
- Five fish. I'll be rich.
- You certainly will. Yes, come on.
159
00:10:14,761 --> 00:10:16,281
All right!
160
00:10:17,321 --> 00:10:20,241
Hey, hey, hey... Five fish?
161
00:10:20,761 --> 00:10:23,081
- Six fish.
- Oh!
162
00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:29,081
♪ Oh, dance, dance, dance... ♪
163
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:32,561
Lister, what on Titan
is this din? Lister!
164
00:10:34,121 --> 00:10:38,121
- What on Titan is this din?
- It's Rasta Billy Skank.
165
00:10:38,201 --> 00:10:39,561
Is this it?
166
00:10:40,281 --> 00:10:42,457
It's got a health warning on it,
you know, it's bad for you.
167
00:10:42,481 --> 00:10:45,361
- It's a classic.
- "Danger. Government health warning.
168
00:10:45,441 --> 00:10:47,801
"This music can make you
irritable and irrational
169
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:51,921
"and has been linked with disorders
of the nervous system and bowels."
170
00:10:53,001 --> 00:10:55,201
No one takes any
notice of that stuff.
171
00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:59,161
Lister, if you want to dice with death,
fine, but don't poison my sound waves.
172
00:10:59,401 --> 00:11:00,521
Off.
173
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:04,881
Why don't you listen to something
really classical like Mozart,
174
00:11:04,961 --> 00:11:07,201
Mendelssohn or Motorhead?
175
00:11:09,521 --> 00:11:11,761
I think I've gone video blind.
176
00:11:12,521 --> 00:11:15,121
Is that painting yours?
It's rubbish.
177
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:17,121
It's a mirror.
178
00:11:21,121 --> 00:11:22,801
I need some sleep.
179
00:11:26,441 --> 00:11:29,721
Rimmer, do you, erm...
Do you remember Kristine Kochanski?
180
00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:33,841
Navigation Officer?
Yes. I remember her. Snooty cow.
181
00:11:34,241 --> 00:11:37,761
She used to look down on me.
She used to call me Rimmer.
182
00:11:38,881 --> 00:11:41,041
Everybody called you Rimmer.
183
00:11:41,121 --> 00:11:44,161
It's the way she
said it, though. "Rimmer."
184
00:11:44,241 --> 00:11:46,321
Rimmer, to rhyme with scum.
185
00:11:47,761 --> 00:11:49,881
God, she had a chip
on her shoulder, Lister.
186
00:11:49,961 --> 00:11:51,777
Oh, yeah. Well, I want to go
on a date with her.
187
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:53,201
Tough. She's dead.
188
00:11:53,281 --> 00:11:54,921
- Just one night.
- No.
189
00:11:55,001 --> 00:11:56,321
- I want to turn you off.
- No.
190
00:11:56,401 --> 00:11:57,601
- For just four hours.
- No.
191
00:11:57,721 --> 00:11:59,721
- And spend an evening with her hologram.
- Nope.
192
00:11:59,801 --> 00:12:01,737
Look, I know you're worried
I won't turn you back on.
193
00:12:01,761 --> 00:12:03,401
- No.
- But I promise, I swear,
194
00:12:03,481 --> 00:12:05,417
if you tell me where you've hidden
the hologram disks...
195
00:12:05,441 --> 00:12:06,721
- No.
- Oh!
196
00:12:07,241 --> 00:12:11,161
- You're not even prepared to discuss it.
- We are discussing it, Lister.
197
00:12:11,241 --> 00:12:14,121
What's this if it's not a discussion?
A diesel locomotive?
198
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:18,081
Rimmer, I promise,
I swear, I'll turn you back on.
199
00:12:18,161 --> 00:12:20,561
Is that it, Lister?
Is that the entire proposal?
200
00:12:20,641 --> 00:12:23,081
- Yes.
- Well, Lister...
201
00:12:23,161 --> 00:12:25,801
No. Think about it seriously.
Don't just dismiss it.
202
00:12:25,881 --> 00:12:28,401
All right, all right.
I'll think about it.
203
00:12:30,481 --> 00:12:33,241
- You're just gonna say no.
- Don't interrupt. I'm thinking about it.
204
00:12:33,321 --> 00:12:37,361
- But you're just gonna say no.
- Not necessarily. I'm mulling it over.
205
00:12:41,641 --> 00:12:43,281
Yeee... No.
206
00:12:44,841 --> 00:12:46,721
But what is it, man?
Don't you trust me?
207
00:12:46,881 --> 00:12:50,401
Black card, Lister. I'm holding up
a black card. Conversation over.
208
00:12:50,841 --> 00:12:53,801
I've always been crazy about her
and I never did anything about it.
209
00:12:54,081 --> 00:12:56,241
Oh, Lister, you've forgotten
the colour code.
210
00:12:56,321 --> 00:12:58,641
White. The white card is
to continue the discussion.
211
00:12:58,721 --> 00:13:01,761
But this is a black card
situation. Discussion over.
212
00:13:01,841 --> 00:13:03,961
- Listen.
- ♪ Black card, black card ♪
213
00:13:04,041 --> 00:13:07,241
- I was talking about something else.
- White card. Go on.
214
00:13:07,321 --> 00:13:10,361
For a start, I want to stop all this
black card and white card, smeg,
215
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:12,601
- it's driving me crazy.
- Black card.
216
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,721
Oh! Four hours, just...
217
00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:18,361
I want to spend an evening with
her hologram! What's so wrong with that?
218
00:13:18,441 --> 00:13:21,521
You don't know when to stop,
do you, Lister? I'm your superior.
219
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:24,201
Technician was the lowest rank
on the ship.
220
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:27,561
The man who changed the bog rolls
was higher than us.
221
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:30,121
Yes, well, he's not here now,
Lister, and we are.
222
00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:33,801
And there's still a pecking order
and I'm pecking you, baby.
223
00:13:34,721 --> 00:13:37,521
Okay, Rimmer. Okay.
224
00:13:38,281 --> 00:13:40,881
- Okay?
- Okay.
225
00:13:42,041 --> 00:13:44,881
- Is that a threat, Lister?
- Yeah.
226
00:13:45,561 --> 00:13:49,041
Actually, "Okay", Lister,
is not a threat, technically speaking.
227
00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:51,761
It is when you mean it to mean
what I mean it to mean.
228
00:13:51,841 --> 00:13:56,241
And I mean it to mean,
"Okay, Rimmer. Okay."
229
00:13:57,121 --> 00:13:58,841
No, Lister,
"Okay" is never a threat,
230
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,721
no matter how many AYs
you put on the end.
231
00:14:01,921 --> 00:14:04,441
I'm going to pass the exams
and become an officer.
232
00:14:04,521 --> 00:14:06,401
Oh, come on. Wise up, Lister.
233
00:14:06,481 --> 00:14:08,961
You'll have to salute me, Rimmer.
You'll have to call me, sir.
234
00:14:09,041 --> 00:14:12,321
You'll have to give me Kochanski
and me cigarettes.
235
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:16,121
And on that day, Lister,
Satan will be skating to work.
236
00:14:28,521 --> 00:14:31,201
Lister!
Rise and shine, El Slotho. Come on.
237
00:14:31,281 --> 00:14:33,721
I've been awake for hours, Lister.
Up, up, up. Come on.
238
00:14:33,801 --> 00:14:36,441
Exercise, Lister.
Exercise, sonny boy.
239
00:14:39,441 --> 00:14:43,961
Quarter to 2:00?
I didn't set my motivator.
240
00:14:44,041 --> 00:14:47,361
I was supposed to be up at 7:00.
Why didn't he wake me?
241
00:14:47,441 --> 00:14:49,481
He knows I'm a heavy sleeper.
242
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,081
Have I got to remind him
to do everything for me?
243
00:14:52,161 --> 00:14:54,001
He's so irresponsible.
244
00:14:54,481 --> 00:14:56,721
Holly, give me a cold shower,
will you, please?
245
00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:58,801
Certainly, Arnold.
246
00:15:00,121 --> 00:15:02,921
Not that cold.
Hotter, hotter.
247
00:15:03,081 --> 00:15:05,201
Not that hot.
248
00:15:05,521 --> 00:15:07,641
Just forget it.
Can you give me a clean uniform?
249
00:15:07,721 --> 00:15:10,121
Perhaps you can manage that?
250
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:12,601
Thank you, Holly. Where's Lister?
251
00:15:12,681 --> 00:15:16,921
Holly, where's my arm?
This isn't my arm. Whose arm is this?
252
00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:20,401
I 'm sorry, Arnold. Your physical data
disk has become corrupted
253
00:15:20,481 --> 00:15:22,681
Don't give me excuses.
Give me my arm back.
254
00:15:22,761 --> 00:15:25,281
I'll have to refresh the graphics
from a back-up.
255
00:15:25,401 --> 00:15:29,041
It's got tattoos.
Candy, Denmark Forever.
256
00:15:29,121 --> 00:15:33,841
Is this Petersen's arm, Holly?
I've got the arm of a Danish moron.
257
00:15:33,921 --> 00:15:36,601
If you '11 just bear with me
for a few minutes, Arnold.
258
00:15:36,681 --> 00:15:40,201
It's not good enough, Holly.
It's traumatic enough being dead.
259
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:45,401
And whose ears are these, Holly?
They're like two giant radar dishes
260
00:15:45,481 --> 00:15:48,121
stuck higgledy-piggledy
to the side of my head.
261
00:15:48,201 --> 00:15:49,961
I mean, just look at them,
look at them.
262
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,401
Whose were these ea rs, Holly,
an African elephant?
263
00:15:53,481 --> 00:15:58,121
- They're your ears, Arnold.
- It must have been the way I slept.
264
00:15:58,201 --> 00:16:00,001
I haven't got time for this.
Where's Lister?
265
00:16:00,081 --> 00:16:02,761
That information is security protected.
266
00:16:04,201 --> 00:16:05,721
What's he doing?
267
00:16:11,161 --> 00:16:12,921
Mmm-mmm.
268
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,681
- Hello. How can I help you?
- Fish.
269
00:16:16,761 --> 00:16:18,641
Today's fish is trout a la creme.
270
00:16:19,721 --> 00:16:21,801
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!
271
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,801
Today's fish is trout a la creme.
272
00:16:24,361 --> 00:16:26,001
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!
273
00:16:26,081 --> 00:16:27,961
Today's fish is trout a la creme.
274
00:16:28,041 --> 00:16:30,001
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!
275
00:16:30,081 --> 00:16:32,281
Today's fish is trout a la creme.
276
00:16:32,361 --> 00:16:34,601
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!
277
00:16:34,681 --> 00:16:36,641
Today's fish is trout a la creme.
278
00:16:36,721 --> 00:16:38,401
- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!
279
00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:40,521
Today's fish is trout a la creme.
280
00:16:40,801 --> 00:16:42,801
- Enjoy your meal.
- I will!
281
00:16:45,681 --> 00:16:49,001
- Lister? Where's Lister?
- No, man. The fish is mine.
282
00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:51,881
I don't want your fish,
you stupid cat. Where's Lister?
283
00:16:53,121 --> 00:16:56,121
Idiot. Holly, as senior rank
aboard this ship,
284
00:16:56,201 --> 00:16:57,841
I order you to
tell me where he is.
285
00:16:57,921 --> 00:17:00,681
- I've told you, I can 't.
- Holly, that's an order.
286
00:17:00,761 --> 00:17:03,801
- You stupid, ugly goit.
- Ugly?
287
00:17:03,881 --> 00:17:06,881
I 'II have you know, I chose
this face out of the billions available,
288
00:17:06,961 --> 00:17:08,657
'cause it happened to be
the face of the greatest
289
00:17:08,681 --> 00:17:11,001
and most prolific lo ver
who ever lived.
290
00:17:12,121 --> 00:17:14,521
Really? Well, he must have
operated in the dark a lot.
291
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,081
You what?
292
00:17:16,281 --> 00:17:18,121
And when are you gonna
give me my own arm back?
293
00:17:18,401 --> 00:17:21,201
I refuse to walk round all day
with Petersen's arm.
294
00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:25,321
You know what he was like.
God only knows where this arm has been.
295
00:17:25,441 --> 00:17:28,481
Ah. What's he doing?
296
00:17:29,401 --> 00:17:32,561
Beats me, Amie.
Seems to have a mind of its own.
297
00:17:36,761 --> 00:17:39,241
- Tell him to stop it.
- What is this?
298
00:17:39,321 --> 00:17:42,361
A cabaret?
Entertainment while you eat?
299
00:17:43,481 --> 00:17:44,841
No, no, no!
300
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:48,721
Hey, can you place bets?
My bet is on this arm.
301
00:17:50,881 --> 00:17:52,041
Argh!
302
00:17:54,681 --> 00:17:57,201
Holly, you're absolutely
gorgeous and handsome and delicious.
303
00:17:57,281 --> 00:17:58,801
Please tell him to stop it.
304
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:01,481
All right. just give me
a couple of seconds.
305
00:18:01,641 --> 00:18:05,201
Ah, look at that. I've outwitted him.
He's given up. Look, he's given up.
306
00:18:05,401 --> 00:18:06,481
Oh!
307
00:18:11,641 --> 00:18:14,441
There, done it. just in time.
308
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,721
Hey, that was good.
309
00:18:16,801 --> 00:18:19,481
You should've finished on a song.
It would have been perfect.
310
00:18:19,561 --> 00:18:21,241
I hate everything.
311
00:18:29,961 --> 00:18:32,361
Where is Lister, the little worm?
312
00:18:45,401 --> 00:18:49,121
Lister? Listie,
Listie, Wistie, Lister?
313
00:18:49,841 --> 00:18:54,201
I know you're here, Lister.
You're always here Sunday afternoons.
314
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:59,841
What are you two doing here?
Skutters don't have time off.
315
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:07,841
You really must think I'm stupid.
I'll deal with you two later.
316
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,601
You're serious
about this, Lister, aren't you?
317
00:19:36,681 --> 00:19:38,801
- Go away. I'm busy.
- Off.
318
00:19:40,201 --> 00:19:42,841
You seriously believe
a piece of fungus like you
319
00:19:42,921 --> 00:19:45,201
has got the stuff
to become an officer?
320
00:19:45,281 --> 00:19:48,361
You've got the brains of diarrhoea
and the breeding of a maggot.
321
00:19:49,841 --> 00:19:53,681
I mean, what are you writing on, Lister?
The inside of a chocolate wrapper?
322
00:19:53,761 --> 00:19:56,241
I mean, come on.
Where's your loose-leaf file?
323
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:58,441
Where's your pencils,
where's your protractor
324
00:19:58,521 --> 00:20:00,081
and your hole reinforcers?
325
00:20:00,161 --> 00:20:03,001
Rimmer, I'm going to pass this exam
by knowing things.
326
00:20:03,081 --> 00:20:05,761
- Okay. What's a porous circuit?
- Don't know.
327
00:20:05,841 --> 00:20:07,241
How do you calculate acceleration?
328
00:20:07,961 --> 00:20:09,961
- Don't know.
- Oh, this is sad.
329
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:11,721
What's Boyle's Fourth Law?
330
00:20:11,801 --> 00:20:13,081
Don't eat greasy food.
331
00:20:13,161 --> 00:20:16,361
These are basic
engineering precepts, Lister.
332
00:20:16,441 --> 00:20:18,521
How do you expect
to pass the engineering exam?
333
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:21,281
I don't.
I expect to pass the chef's exam.
334
00:20:23,361 --> 00:20:26,161
You want to become a chef?
335
00:20:26,481 --> 00:20:29,601
Not really.
I just want to become your superior.
336
00:20:30,241 --> 00:20:35,041
But a chef? A white-hatted ponce?
That's not a real officer.
337
00:20:35,121 --> 00:20:37,321
It outranks you,
smeg-for-brains.
338
00:20:37,401 --> 00:20:42,841
And, Lister, what's this?
Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey.
339
00:20:42,921 --> 00:20:47,961
I'm afraid you're in very serious,
grave, deep trouble, Lister.
340
00:20:48,041 --> 00:20:52,041
Where did you get them? I want names,
I want places, I want dates.
341
00:20:52,121 --> 00:20:54,401
Arnold Rimmer.
His locker. This morning.
342
00:20:56,641 --> 00:20:58,737
Why am I worried? You'll never
stick at it. You'll never pass.
343
00:20:58,761 --> 00:21:01,321
Say, "You'll never pass,
Mr Lister, sir."
344
00:21:01,401 --> 00:21:03,561
Practise, Rimmer, makes perfect.
345
00:21:06,521 --> 00:21:08,761
Question four, underline that.
346
00:21:09,761 --> 00:21:14,641
What does the red spectrum
tell us about quasars?
347
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:21,721
I'm gonna die.
I've been fished to death.
348
00:21:23,161 --> 00:21:25,681
My answer,
in answering the question,
349
00:21:25,761 --> 00:21:29,761
what does the red spectrum tell us
about quasars... Write bigger.
350
00:21:30,681 --> 00:21:33,561
There are various words
that need to be defined.
351
00:21:33,641 --> 00:21:37,961
What is a spectrum?
What is a red one? Why is it red?
352
00:21:38,041 --> 00:21:41,681
And why is it so
frequently linked with quasars?
353
00:21:45,361 --> 00:21:47,401
What the hell is a quasar?
354
00:21:48,321 --> 00:21:51,041
Just put a neat cross through it.
We'll do the next one. Okay?
355
00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:55,057
And I think that confidently
and concisely answers the question,
356
00:21:55,081 --> 00:21:57,721
what does the red spectrum
tell us about quasars.
357
00:21:57,801 --> 00:22:01,121
- Da-da!
- Lister, did you make that?
358
00:22:01,201 --> 00:22:04,841
Yeah. It's not that good.
It was supposed to be roast beef.
359
00:22:05,401 --> 00:22:08,561
Do you want some, Cat? It's got some
real cream and fudge in it.
360
00:22:08,641 --> 00:22:11,921
I think I'm going to
have to go and do something secret.
361
00:22:13,641 --> 00:22:15,721
Look out. Food escape.
362
00:22:17,001 --> 00:22:21,001
- So, Lister, you doing all right, yeah?
- Not bad. Not bad at all.
363
00:22:27,761 --> 00:22:32,921
Listen, Lister.
All this tension between us is stupid.
364
00:22:33,481 --> 00:22:36,841
There's just no need for it.
I mean, you're tense and I'm tense.
365
00:22:36,921 --> 00:22:39,401
And there's just absolutely
no need for it.
366
00:22:39,481 --> 00:22:40,681
I'm not tense.
367
00:22:40,761 --> 00:22:43,241
Of course you're tense,
you rectum-faced pygmy.
368
00:22:43,321 --> 00:22:46,521
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
369
00:22:47,121 --> 00:22:50,641
I mean, there's no need for you
to be slogging your guts out.
370
00:22:50,721 --> 00:22:52,481
- I'm enjoying it.
- Shut up.
371
00:22:52,561 --> 00:22:54,561
Doing an exam, doing so well.
372
00:22:54,641 --> 00:22:57,081
There's absolutely
no need for it, Lister.
373
00:22:57,161 --> 00:22:59,201
You can have the cigarettes.
They're in pipeline 22.
374
00:22:59,281 --> 00:23:02,281
- I know.
- Good.
375
00:23:02,521 --> 00:23:06,001
The Cat betrayed me.
I don't mind. I'm delighted.
376
00:23:07,481 --> 00:23:10,481
What I'm saying, Lister, is there's
no need for us to be at loggerheads.
377
00:23:10,561 --> 00:23:14,001
- I mean, we're mates, we're pals.
- When?
378
00:23:14,481 --> 00:23:18,641
Oh, come on, Lister. Laugh, laugh,
laugh, chuckle, guffaw, giggle.
379
00:23:18,721 --> 00:23:21,561
- That's Rimsy and Listy.
- When?
380
00:23:21,801 --> 00:23:24,241
- Millions of times.
- When?
381
00:23:25,281 --> 00:23:28,361
Ah! Ah, how about the time
382
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:31,321
your safety harness snapped
and you fell into the cargo bay?
383
00:23:31,401 --> 00:23:35,401
- We laughed then, didn't we?
- I cracked me spine in three places.
384
00:23:35,481 --> 00:23:38,481
Yes, but it was hilarious.
We laughed like drains.
385
00:23:38,561 --> 00:23:41,121
You laughed.
I spent six weeks in traction.
386
00:23:41,201 --> 00:23:43,681
Yes. That's right and you spent
the rest of the summer
387
00:23:43,761 --> 00:23:45,121
walking around
like a croquet hoop.
388
00:23:45,201 --> 00:23:48,521
Oh, I laughed so hard
I nearly puked. I really did.
389
00:23:49,161 --> 00:23:50,681
What are you saying to me, Rimmer?
390
00:23:51,481 --> 00:23:55,921
I'm just saying, Lister,
that with times as good as those,
391
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:59,521
there's no point in letting
something small and silly like this
392
00:23:59,601 --> 00:24:02,961
come between a friendship
that we've nurtured
393
00:24:03,121 --> 00:24:06,081
like a small flower, petal by petal,
394
00:24:06,161 --> 00:24:10,761
and watched blossom and bloom
into something rare and special.
395
00:24:11,601 --> 00:24:15,481
- Okay, give me Kochanski.
- Smeg off, dishwasher breath.
396
00:24:15,561 --> 00:24:17,561
You won't turn me back on.
397
00:24:17,641 --> 00:24:21,041
What, Rimsy-wimsy-mimsy,
me bestest ever pal?
398
00:24:21,121 --> 00:24:23,881
All right, Lister.
I order you not to take those exams.
399
00:24:24,161 --> 00:24:25,401
Black card, Rimmer.
400
00:24:27,681 --> 00:24:29,681
You are black carding me?
401
00:24:29,761 --> 00:24:31,641
That's only the beginning, Rimmer.
402
00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:35,481
When I pass the exams and become
an officer, you'll be on latrines.
403
00:24:35,561 --> 00:24:37,681
You'll have the 3:00
watch every morning
404
00:24:37,761 --> 00:24:40,481
and I know you'll obey me,
because you, I mean, you,
405
00:24:40,561 --> 00:24:42,881
respect all that officer smeg.
406
00:24:42,961 --> 00:24:45,801
If you mean I respect my superiors,
no matter who they are,
407
00:24:45,881 --> 00:24:50,121
and I obey orders blindly
and unquestioningly, yes, yes, I do.
408
00:24:50,201 --> 00:24:53,841
That's exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I've got to get some sleep.
409
00:24:53,921 --> 00:24:56,361
Hard day's revision on the morrow.
410
00:24:58,601 --> 00:25:01,241
You always become the thing
you hate the most.
411
00:25:01,321 --> 00:25:02,761
Look at you, Lister.
412
00:25:02,841 --> 00:25:06,921
Obnoxious, ruthless,
single-minded, insensitive,
413
00:25:07,801 --> 00:25:09,641
you're more like me than I am.
414
00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:12,401
Rimmer, you've forgotten
the colour code.
415
00:25:12,481 --> 00:25:16,161
This is a black card situation,
end of conversation.
416
00:25:18,281 --> 00:25:20,361
"You never learn, do you?"
417
00:25:24,241 --> 00:25:27,081
Will all entrants for
the Chef Part One Examination
418
00:25:27,161 --> 00:25:29,201
please proceed to
the teaching room.
419
00:25:29,961 --> 00:25:31,641
You're not ready for it, you know.
420
00:25:31,721 --> 00:25:34,361
Look at you. You should be doing
last-second revision.
421
00:25:34,441 --> 00:25:36,401
I am. I'm revising buns.
422
00:25:37,361 --> 00:25:40,441
I mean, it's obscene, missing the entire
first minute of the exam.
423
00:25:42,081 --> 00:25:44,281
Okay, here we go.
424
00:25:44,641 --> 00:25:47,921
No. You can't do this to me, Lister.
425
00:25:48,001 --> 00:25:50,401
- Give me Kochanski.
- No.
426
00:25:51,801 --> 00:25:53,641
That was a lousy thing
to do to a hologram.
427
00:25:53,721 --> 00:25:56,121
Have you no respect
for the dead?
428
00:26:02,241 --> 00:26:03,401
Ah.
429
00:26:12,921 --> 00:26:14,321
Hello, Dave.
430
00:26:18,841 --> 00:26:22,801
I'm just doing this, erm...
I'm taking this... This is a surprise.
431
00:26:23,721 --> 00:26:26,041
Dave, why didn't you just tell me
432
00:26:26,121 --> 00:26:28,601
how you felt about me
when I was still alive?
433
00:26:28,681 --> 00:26:33,041
'Cause I'm a dope and I'm a bum,
and I'm stupid, and I'm an idiot,
434
00:26:33,121 --> 00:26:35,001
and I'm hopeless, and I'm useless.
435
00:26:35,081 --> 00:26:37,561
I'm sorry, but I just don't like you.
436
00:26:39,321 --> 00:26:42,841
Oh, hey. I'm really embarrassed now.
I don't know what to say.
437
00:26:42,921 --> 00:26:45,681
I suppose it's sort of pointless
you doing the exam now.
438
00:26:45,761 --> 00:26:48,042
Well, yeah, it's sort of pointless
me breathing in and out
439
00:26:48,081 --> 00:26:49,641
if you want to know the truth.
440
00:26:49,721 --> 00:26:52,481
I could never love anyone
like you.
441
00:26:52,561 --> 00:26:56,881
So you might as well pack up your pots
and pans and off you go.
442
00:26:57,801 --> 00:27:00,201
I need a man who's going places.
443
00:27:00,281 --> 00:27:03,281
Up, up, up the ziggurat,
lickety-split.
444
00:27:06,321 --> 00:27:09,001
So it didn't mean
anything to you, then?
445
00:27:09,681 --> 00:27:12,121
- What didn't?
- You know, when we...
446
00:27:13,881 --> 00:27:15,961
Made love on the snooker table
behind the bins.
447
00:27:17,201 --> 00:27:20,201
- You never told me that.
- I thought you might have noticed.
448
00:27:20,321 --> 00:27:25,521
- Oh, yes, yes. I remember now.
- We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer.
449
00:27:25,601 --> 00:27:28,441
Look, look,
I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment.
450
00:27:28,521 --> 00:27:32,521
- I'm having a woman's period.
- A woman's period?
451
00:27:32,601 --> 00:27:35,641
Women don't speak like that.
Give me a break.
452
00:27:35,721 --> 00:27:39,281
I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer,
but that is not Kochanski.
453
00:27:39,361 --> 00:27:41,841
It's Kochanski's body,
it's Kochanski's voice.
454
00:27:41,921 --> 00:27:44,241
I mean, what's the difference?
Come on.
455
00:27:44,321 --> 00:27:47,201
The difference is
that you're in there, ugh.
456
00:27:48,241 --> 00:27:51,721
- Well, you can't blame me for trying.
- I.eave.
457
00:27:54,921 --> 00:27:57,001
I've seen something you haven't, squire.
458
00:28:00,561 --> 00:28:02,521
Okay, Holly, swap disks.
459
00:28:05,601 --> 00:28:07,921
Er, Holly, this is not my breast.
460
00:28:11,321 --> 00:28:13,721
I want my own nipple back, Holly.
461
00:28:14,521 --> 00:28:16,001
Leave, Rimmer.
462
00:28:18,841 --> 00:28:20,761
There's no rush, Holly.
463
00:28:34,201 --> 00:28:36,841
Holly, are you sure
these are my hips?
464
00:28:38,361 --> 00:28:41,001
Lister, 1-6-9-12-14-6.
465
00:28:45,681 --> 00:28:47,201
How did you do?
466
00:28:50,721 --> 00:28:52,241
How did you do?
467
00:28:53,961 --> 00:28:57,361
- How did you do, Lister?
- How did I do, Mr Lister, sir!
468
00:29:01,841 --> 00:29:05,361
♪ It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
469
00:29:05,441 --> 00:29:08,761
#I'm all alone, more or less
470
00:29:08,841 --> 00:29:11,961
♪ Let me fly far away from here
471
00:29:12,041 --> 00:29:14,841
♪ Fun, fun, fun
472
00:29:14,921 --> 00:29:18,681
#ln the sun, sun, sun
473
00:29:18,761 --> 00:29:22,041
♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose
474
00:29:22,121 --> 00:29:25,321
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
475
00:29:25,401 --> 00:29:28,681
♪ Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes
476
00:29:28,761 --> 00:29:31,401
♪ Fun, fun, fun
477
00:29:31,481 --> 00:29:35,321
#ln the sun, sun, sun
478
00:29:35,401 --> 00:29:38,001
♪ Fun, fun, fun
479
00:29:38,081 --> 00:29:42,001
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
38022
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