All language subtitles for In.the.Know.S01E03.Very.Gross.720p.PCOK.W-FLUX_Eng

Before I leave this Earth,

I want you to have this feather boa.

One of my johns from the '80s
used to choke me out with it.

He used to kick the shit out of me.

Wow.
Thank you.

Did Sandy tell you he's dying?

Dr. Bronner diagnosed
him with Anderson Coo-pie-is.

Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.

I-it's terminal.

Sandy, we've been over this.

Dr. Bronner's is a cult-y soap company.

He's not an actual physician.

Well, every time
I email customer service

with my symptoms,
I always receive a diagnosis.

Carl, I want you to have this frisbee

that once belonged to Sirhan Sirhan.

No, thanks.

♪ I hope I never figure out
who broke your heart ♪

♪ Maybe if I do-- ♪

Oh!

Good morning, everyone.

Whoa, did Lauren get morning sex?

Chase, asking me that is a crime.

This smile is because today,

I am interviewing my dream guests.

♪ Spend all night losing sleep ♪

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What is it, Fabian?

People are tweeting that
Lauren's voice

is making them sick.

What are you talking about?

"Lauren Caspian's voice
made me spew all over my car."

We might have to cancel today's show.

Oh, no.

This post has two likes.

One by the poster and the other by you.

Oh, so a topic has to be trending before

you'll worry your little,
gray bean about it, bean head?

Fabian, today is not a good time

for one of your misbegotten crusades.

Name one of my justice actions

that you found misbegotten.

You did try to get Walgreens
to cancel Red Nose Day

because it trivialized nasal rosacea.

Listen, this is important.

One tweet could be just
the tip of the iceberg.

What if Lauren's voice

is making thousands of people sick,

but they're too afraid to come forward?

Oh, Fabian.
You're being ridiculous.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm just another shrill,
ridiculous bitch.

I should probably, what, like,
take a chill pill?

Huh, Doctor Misogyn-berg?
Smile more?

I'd probably have a hell
of a lot more friends!

But then again,
I'm not sure I really

want to be friends with people
who ignore the nauseous.

If any of y'all regrow
your micro-consciences,

you'll know where to find me.

I will be the one fighting for the people

no one else believes.

Let me know if any of them
has Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.

Sandy, that's not real.

So wait.
Who's your dream guest, Lauren?

Oh, my dear boy.

Only the greatest musical duo of all time.

Oh, shit.

You're interviewing the Ying Yang Twins?

No, not familiar.

These two are like
Simon and Garfunkel

if they had the courage to be lesbians.

Tegan and Sara say
they're ready for Lauren.

Holy fucking shit!

They know my name!

If music is food for the soul,

our next guests are angelic confectioners.

These twin geniuses have
voiced the angst of youth

all over the world.

And I am not just an ally,
I am also a super fan.

Tegan and Sara, welcome to "In The Know."

- Wow.

What a wonderful introduction that was.

That was maybe one of the nicest,

most enthusiastic, genuine
introductions we've ever had.

Okay.
Get it together, Lauren.

In a "GQ" article, you said that

if the only milestone you achieved

was a Terry Gross interview,
you would be thrilled.

What is it about my public radio colleague

that you find so appealing?

I think that the key is that I feel very...

- Heard...
- Mm.

When she's listening.

And that's not that--

A lot of people won't even
listen to what you're saying.

Yeah.
They, like, interrupt you

- or they--
- Yes, that happens a lot.

And it's particularly with
straight men, I've found.

Yeah.

It's very hard to even get
a word in edgewise, you know?

It's so--
It's so true.

I don't know if you've
ever experienced that before,

but that is something
that does happen, sadly.

Yep.

And it's not just--

Don't let anyone gaslight you about it

because it happens all day, every day.

It does happen.

It literally happens all the time.

I don't even think they mean to do it.

Well, stay woke.
Wake up, men.

Now, in regard to Terry Gross,

unfortunately, that is all an act.

She's cold as an icicle and dumb as rocks.

We call her Very Gross.

And if you've ever seen her eat,

you know what
I'm talking about.

Ranch dressing seems to linger on her lips

like a memory on a summer night.

I consider her the marm of public radio,

and I don't throw that
term around lightly.

Lauren told me I was
the marm of public radio.

More like marmalade.

Sweet but sophisticated.

Thank you.

Marmalade is the queen of jellied fruits.

Oh, Carl!

♪ I spent all night, loose leaf tea ♪

♪ I spin banana, lose my mime ♪

♪ While I spin banana, lose my mime ♪

That song is one of my all-time favorites.

"Living Room."
I wrote that.

And what did you mean when you said

"I spin banana, lose my mime"?

Uh, the lyric I wrote, but who cares...

Like, doesn't matter.

Is "spend all night and lose my mind."

Well, my understanding, as a sapiosexual,

non-penetrative,

was if I were to spin my banana,

which I assumed was a metaphor
for masturbation,

then I would lose my mime,

which is more about symbolic
than actual touch.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it's beautiful.

- That' great.
- That's astonishing.

Yes, if you spin your banana,

you're no longer a mime.

You're just another horny,
little freak at summer camp

befouling his sleeping bag.

Wow.

Come on, people.

I know you're out there.

Let me help you.

Hi, Fabian.
Are you doing okay?

Look, it's wonderful that
you're always so eager

to champion marginalized groups,

but--

Something's happening.

I stopped therapy recently

because my therapist changed
offices without telling me.

And that was particularly traumatic,

because my mother ghosted me
minutes after my own birth.

The doctor said he'd never seen
a woman in her condition

run so fast.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

You okay?

Now, here's something
I've been wondering about.

If we were all stranded
on a desert island,

what do you think we would all eat?

Yeah, I feel like
if I just had a break, I--

I-I just--
I-I'm feeling nauseous.

Mm.
It's probably nerves.

Now, which one of you is the heartthrob,

and which one of you is the slutty genius?

She's getting sick.

On air.

This is the proof my silent sufferers

have been waiting for!

But, Fabian, let's not jump to--

Please stop talking.

My girlfriend, also named Lauren,

- looks a lot like me.
- Please, please--

Now, does that make me

an honorary identical twin lesbian?

I'm so sorry.
I can't do this.

What?
No.

Great to meet you, Lauren.

- Best of luck.
- No, no, no.

Please, please, please, please.

Please.

We don't know that
Lauren's voice made Tegan sick.

We don't know that it didn't.

It needs to be investigated.

What's #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow?

It's a Discord group
I created.

Fabian, don't you think

you're blowing this whole thing
out of proportion?

I refuse to be silent

while Lauren terrorizes America
with his wet vowels.

They cut it short.

Oh, Lauren, I'm so sorry.

Tegan or Sara had what
I assume were moontime cramps.

But it's odd that Tegan or Sara
didn't have them too

because their cycles must be synced.

Unless one of them is pregnant.

With twins.

Lauren, it wasn't moontime cramps.

It was your voice.

Absurd.

Also, if, and I mean if

my voice had anything to do with it,

it's because of Carl's antique machinery.

Stop right there!

That's a Yamaha TF3 console.

It has 48 channels, 25 motorized faders,

and eight FX processors.

If there is a God,
she mics up through that.

Well, then how else do you explain it?

The Queens of Calgary just left
me with Socratic blue balls.

Oh, the community grows.

There are now five courageous victims

using the hashtag #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow.

Hello.

We partying up in here?

No, like blow chunks.

I blew a guy named Chunks once.

Just for the story.

We ended up falling in fucking love.

Lauren, there's nothing wrong
with your voice.

And if it makes anyone sick,
they can just not tune in.

Really?

Would you tell a person who
uses a wheelchair

to just not enter
a building without ramps?

Well, guess what?

That building is their house.

Oh, shit.
For real?

Listen, we've all had a long
first 18 minutes of work.

You know what?

Twitter is an echo chamber
of Russian bots.

Let's go live to the listeners

and ask them what they think of my voice.

Oh, Lauren, I really
don't think that's necessary.

Good afternoon, folks.

Some internet trolls have claimed

that my voice causes nausea.

If you or a family member
has been a victim

of Lauren Caspian's sound poisoning,

please call in now.

Use your voice to bravely silence his.

We want to hear from you,
our beloved fans.

Hello, caller.

- You're on the air.
- Um, hi.

My name's Darryl from Staten Island.

Ah.
The island that is Staten.

Yeah, so about your voice,
it doesn't make me sick.

Thank you, Darryl.

But it does piss me off!

I beg pardon?

It's pretentious, the weird pauses.

"The island that is Staten."

You sound like a cuck William Shatner.

- I'm--
- I'm not sure I know what you mean.

There!
You did it again.

Barf!

Speaking truth to power.

Fuck, man.

Chunks.

I guess I still really miss him.

- Next. You're on.

Hi, first time listener, long time caller.

Mm.

I didn't realize it till you said it,

but your voice does
kind of make me feel ill.

Okay.
But I'm sure--

Think subtle.

Like, a small but very
angry child punched me

- straight in the belly--
- Goodbye.

Or that feeling when you've
disappointed a loved one

or you have to take a terrible crap.

But those should feel different.

Next.

- Hi. Am I on?
- Mm-hmm.

Have you heard of the
Lauren Caspian challenge?

Of course.

Our station-sponsored
charity dance competition.

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's
this thing I started on TikTok

where you drink half a gallon of milk

and you see how long
you can listen to your voice

- without ralphing.
- What?

Honestly, I can't believe

that I've been talking to you this long

without--

The people have been heard.

Hmm.

And I'm afraid our lines are now closed.

Hello.

Am I on?

Seriously, Carl?

Sorry, last one.

Mr. Caspian, this is Susan
from Winnipeg again.

Yeah. And my voice makes you
want to inject bleach.

Oh.

Oh, heavens no.

We here in Winnipeg love your voice.

Really?

May I ask what
Winnipeggers like about it?

- Oh, um, well, it's smooth.
- Smooth.

And very...

- Medium...
- Mm.

And sort of sexy.

Susan, if I could be so bold
as to return the complement,

you have a very sexy voice yourself.

Oh.

Hey, pervert, you're talking to Barb.

No, you're not.

Ugh!
Barb!

Now I need to go throw up.

Ugh!

The lunch I find is my base layer,

but then I add my own little flourishes

to bring it to life.

Thank you for passing on
your wisdom before you die.

You okay, Lauren?

I just survived
a modern-day public stoning.

I get it, man.

I make people sick all the time.

I once accidentally
distributed asbestos cigarettes

at a "Rocky Horror
Picture Show."

They did the time warp forever.

And soon, so will I.

What am I going to do?
My voice is everything.

Dude, Patrick from
"SpongeBob" has a weird voice,

and he's one of the hottest men alive.

This is my nine/11.

Testing.

Testing one, two.

Sounds good, Sandy.

Season's greetings, movie mavens.

This week, I'm diving into
some scalding hot new releases.

First up, "the Godfather,"
AKA "The Yawn Father."

Stick to making wine, Francis.

But just as I was about
to give up on cinema forever,

along came
Linkard Richlater's "Boyhood."

It took 12 years to make this movie.

Consider that.

For 12 years, every man, woman, and child

had to live on set,
never allowed to leave.

They ate there, slept there, and at times,

surely had to be kept there
through the aid of fences

and physical violence.

But at the end of the day,
they made a movie,

and movies make so much money.

I'd call that time well spent.

It's been an honor
to review the newest flicks

in Hollyweird for you,
my fine, feathered friends.

May I rest in peace.

Kooter over and Kooter out.

Great farewell review,
Sandy.

One of your best.
See you next week.

Barb, please.
You're my producer.

Stop catfishing me and fix this.

Aw. Based on listener data,
lot of our audience

listens to the show in the car.

So what?

Well, I was just thinking.

When I was a girl, I needed
to sit in the front seat

so I could see the road
and not get carsick.

So maybe some people just
need to see you while you're--

Wait, wait, wait.
Shut up.

I was just thinking.

When I was a girl, I needed
to sit in the front seat

so I could see the road
and not get carsick.

So maybe some people just need
to see me while I'm speaking.

That's a great idea, Lauren.

My fucking God, my fucking God...

So we'll be able to see real-time comments

using this application?

Application?
Yes, Boomer.

Oh, he looks so handsome.

Handsome like a chode.

Welcome, listeners and viewers,

to a special live stream
with comedy queen, Nicole Byer.

- Hi.
- Welcome to "In The Know."

How are you?

Oh, it's already so fun!

Now, Nicole, can you please explain

to me how a joke works?

Sure.

So you have a setup, which
is what the joke is about.

- You lure them into your trap?
- Yep.

And then you give them a punch,
which is the funny part.

Mm.

That's when like a bear trap
captures the bear leg.

And then a twist is something unexpected.

And a button would be like the end of it.

I never realized how much

the language of violence pervades comedy.

First, you set them up,
then you punch them,

then you twist them and then you button up

the body bag over their mangled corpse.

Yeah. Or it's like one
of them Bop It games.

Yes, exactly, when there's
those rodents that appear

and you bop them with the mallet.

Is that right?

No, I meant the toy, like
bop it, twist it, pull it.

Whac-a-mole.

No, it's called Bop It.
You know, it's like a game.

It's a black thing.
It says "Bop It" in the middle.

- And then--
- It's a Black thing.

That's why I don't understand.

And I would never appropriate the culture.

Bop It. It's like hip-hop it and bop it.

And this is a Black thing.

And I would never deign to enter into

that cultural space unless invited.

Now, we're going to try something next

where I tell you a joke

and then you explain to me
why it is funny.

- Is that all right?
- Okay, yes.

Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?

Why?

It made him mean.
Can you explain that joke?

Um, I guess it's a joke because

Hitler was already very mean
and he didn't need the tequila?

I'm going to stop you right there, Nicole.

I think it's an understatement
to describe Hitler as mean.

Okay?

Yes.

And I have to--
And I love your work

and I admire you as a fan,

but I have to take issue with that.

Okay.

If you're going to describe
Adolf Hitler...

Uh-huh.

Ethnic cleanser
and executioner of the masses,

- as simply mean...
- Yeah.

I have to ask you
to use stronger language.

Yeah.
Rude, nasty...

- Nasty.
- Vulgar.

Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.

He was a vulgar, nasty boy.

Yeah, very nasty boy.

- And I don't--
- I don't like him.

What are people saying?

Oh.

"This guy looks like the stork
who brings miscarriages."

Wow, that is so mean.

"Homeboy face uglier
than the devil's doo-doo."

Yikes.

"His face looks like
the physical manifestation

of the word touché."

Barb, I think it's pronounced tushy.

"Someone put this tragic
dildo back in the trash."

Well, the good news is that

while viewers are brutally
insulting Lauren's appearance,

no one seems to be throwing up.

Nicole Byer, do you think
my voice is disgusting?

I do not think your voice is disgusting.

If anything,
I think it's very soothing.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Because there's some trolls
on the internet,

a very small number,
but they've been quite emphatic

that my voice makes them want to spew.

No.

I mean, if you sounded like this,

then maybe
I'd be upset about it.

But you don't sound like that.

So if I sound sort of like
a hillbilly Louis Armstrong,

then they would have a foot to stand on.

But as it currently stands,
they have no foot to stand on.

- No feet.
- Zero feet.

They've been befeeted.

- They've been befeeted, yes.
- Mm.

You're wise, Ms. Byer.

And that is why
I won't change my voice

or my body for anybody.

And in the words of
Shakira Aguilera,

"Words can't bring me down."

- Did you say Shakira Aguilera?
- That's correct.

Okay.

I'm Lauren Caspian with Nicole Byer,

and we are enough.

And cut.

Great work, guys!

Oh!
What a rush.

I feel so empowered.

What were the comments like?

The important thing is no one got sick.

Holy shit!

Someone watching the
live stream just died.

What?

And it's because of Lauren.

How could you possibly know that?

The guy commented, "Oh, God.
What's happening to me?

"It's so hot in here.
I'm going to die. I'm dying.

You did this."

"In the soil watered by your blood,

the tree of revolution will grow."

Yes, the death of a listener is serious.

Please relay our apologies
to our sponsors.

LendingTree is pulling out too?

No, please tell them that we still

have plenty of living audience members

who need weird, little loans.

Where's Lauren?

I'm planning his victim's funeral,

and I need his credit card number.

Hey, Chase, have you seen Lauren?

Nah.

I haven't seen him in years.

What?

His laugh was like raindrops
on a camping tent.

And his hog was awesome.

Whoa, what happened to you?

Did you listen to yourself?

I OD'd on throat comfort tea

and had to get my stomach pumped.

And yet, your voice sounds the same.

I'm only here to record
a resignation video.

"Love Actually" style, no audio.

Tragic times, dude.

But, Lauren, you can't go on
looking like that.

Someone else might die.

I'll get a tote bag to put over his head.

Not necessary.

Chunks and I used to watch
"Ambush Makeover" together.

He'd always comment on how

the foundation on their faces
never matched their necks.

God, he was so smart.

Anyway, I'll glow you up, brah.

Thank you, Chase.

I need to look my best
so I can go out with dignity.

Oh...

He looks like an undercover cop
at an Avril Lavigne concert.

But his face and neck, same color.

We're going out together, old friend.

Me with the death of my body.

You with the death of your career.

Stop the tape!

Nobody murdered anyone!

I just got off the phone with the coroner,

and he told me the cause
of death wasn't Lauren.

Wait, you talked to the coroner?

He's on my husband's case.

Oh, I know that coroner.
Guy's a prick.

Won't even let you touch the bodies.

Wait, but if it wasn't
my voice, then what was it?

Apparently, he died of something called

Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.

- Oh, no.
- Isn't that what Sandy has?

I should have believed you.

And poor, sweet Sandy's numbered days

grow fewer still.

And that's very sad.

But the important thing is
my voice didn't kill anyone.

I'm not a murderer!

Not so fast.

He may not be a murderer,

but his voice still makes people sick.

Remember what happened to Tegan?

Nope.

Their manager emailed me
that Tegan faked being sick

because Lauren's questions were
making them uncomfortable.

She wasn't really sick!

She was uncomfortable
because she felt so seen!

Right.

You're going to believe
some government coroner

over the lived experience of a dying man?

#BelieveDyingMen.

Crank me up, Carl!

The bitch is back!

Sandy Kooter,
Dr. Bronner will heal you now.

It's you.

Oh, yeah!

Spaceship Earth, baby!