All language subtitles for sdtrtyuiop[[]

Barry!

Barry!

Oh yeah!

That killed the finale.

Peter, you made it, huh?

Beautiful, baby, beautiful.

- He's doing great, fantastic!
- Yeah, yeah.

Downright marvelous. Bloody marvelous!

Beautiful.

Wonderful, baby. You're wonderful.

Barry!

Oh!

So pumped.

Best of luck.

I love you!

Barry!

�said you wanted me over.
What's the trouble?

No trouble, just too much action.
Hello, Herbie!

Great, Barry. Fantastic, baby.
Really wonderful!

Listen, Peter, I'm seeing�
Raymond after show,

and I promoted
that blonde girl over there.

Aw, Barry, you brought me
all the way from London to tell me that?

- �another curtain call. You must come.
- Let� Let Herbie take it.

- What do you want?
- He wants the curtain call.

I'm not trying to pull her, Peter.

She's a bloody marvelous singer.
I want her on my TV show.

- Now, sign her up.
- What? Look,

I've got to go back.

- Take another call. They're going mad.
- Jake can handle it.

You must be joking. She's got class.

Come on. Take her round.
Look, you can stay in Paris.

Come back with me tomorrow.

- Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.
- Peter, do it for me.

I'm sure your better half will understand.

Barry!

Barry!

How are you?

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

I only understand a little French. Um�

Would you like a little, um� Uh�

Would you care for a petite, uh�

- Drink.
- Drink.

- Right.
- Yes, okay.

Did you, uh, like the, uh�

England!

- England here, France there.
- Yeah.

Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye? No, no, no!

Thank God for Harry,
England, and Saint George!

Here, here!

Hold on, my uncle.

Thank you.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

My uncle!

Thank you.

Goodbye! Goodbye!

Long live France!

Long live England!

Darling!

Lucky Pierre.

Darling!

- Darling!
- You've hurt yourself!

Hold on!

Darling!

Welcome home.

I can't walk.

Crawl.

I can't walk.

- I'll help you. Come on.
- That's good.

Thank you.

- Evening.
- Get out your tin head, killer.

You're about to walk into World War III.

I already have. You are beautifully
dressed. Are you going somewhere?

We've been waiting for you.

For me?

We were going out to eat.

Of course, I do realize
our anniversary is a very minor event.

I'm sorry.

Hey, what happened to Barry Black
before his perm?

I'm sorry, Jody.

Lose his wig?

He doesn't wear a wig, does he?

Sorry. Angela.

What brought you back in such a hurry?

- Well, first...
- You're his nurse, not his agent.

There's a pressie. And it'll take too long
to explain. I'll just wash and shave and�

I'll call the restaurant
and tell them to hold the table.

They've been holding it for hours.

My God, their arms must be tired.

Can't you ever think about
anybody except your miserable clients?

Look, love, I'm sorry. Val!

- Yeah.
- Make some drinks.

I'll be right out, mate.

Sure.

I think we'd better
do our drinking at home.

Aw!

- Oh, yeah.
- It's late.

Oh. No!

We'll, uh, get together tomorrow night.

That� That's a good idea,
and we'll pretend tonight never happened.

Oh yes, why don't we?

Why don't we pretend
we're husband and wife while we're at it?

Bye, Jody.

Would you like a last cigarette, my boy?

No, sir. Not even a blindfold.

I want to see the bullets coming.

Oh, come on, Val.

Farewell, Val.

Dear friends.

Oh, listen. Look.

Let's go to bed.

And tomorrow, everything will be better.

I'm sick to death of you, Peter Reaney!

Sick to bloody, bloody death!

Darling, look, I'm sorry.

You come home filthy, stinking,

animalistic drunk.

How long do you think
I'm going to put up with it?

Don't.

Good morning, darling.

I made us some coffee and some toast.

That'll go down in history. I prefer tea.

- Please, Angie.
- I'd like some eggs.

Look, I really am sorry.

Don't, Peter.

I'm sorry. It's not
as if I get drunk like that every night.

But the last time, Peter.

- Darling...
- I've had enough!

More than enough.

This time, I'm telling Daddy.

Daddy. What's he gonna do?
Cache me out of the regiment?

Oh, shut up and listen to me!

- I am listening.
- Alright. I'm fed up!

I'm not putting up with you any longer.

Fine. Goodbye.

- I don't know why I ever married you!
- You don't know why you married me?

Because I was damn fool enough to ask you,
and you jumped at the chance.

- I've had enough. I really have.
- I've got a terrible headache.

You want to change the world.

- You may have noticed...
- But you won't change yourself.

You may have noticed
that I was drunk last night.

- Do you know why?
- I was drunk at the prospect

- of you yelling at me...
- Because you hate your job.

Shut up!

You hate yourself
because you hate your job.

Shut up!

Peter, I'm leaving you!

Fine, then do it quietly.

Why do you
have to make everything so cheap?

Because starting with you,
that's what it is!

Now you've hit me.

- I didn't hit you, I just pushed you.
- I haven't finished.

Well, don't keep me in suspense.

I want a divorce!

You want one?

Get out!

# Faith and compassion #

# Makes the world go round #

# Envy and anger will only destroy you #

# Resentment will tear you apart #

# So, bend, you got to bend over backwards
Bend a little, bend over backwards #

# Bend, you gotta bend
That's the way to start� #

Peter, this is it.
It's beautiful, beautiful.

- It's a classic. It's a genuine classic.
- Classic.

Mm.

Sorry we had to leave early.
I missed the main event there.

Who won?

I did. She threw me out. Who is that?

Let's see.

Listen, little girl, if you want
Barry Black's autograph,

- I've got it.
- ...you're in the wrong place.

So you'd better leave here
before they find you.

- I'm not going until I've seen Barry.
- Don't argue. Shh!

- You girls always argue. Shh!
- I'm not going till I've seen Barry Black.

# Do start playing a part� #

- Who was that?
- I don't know. Some fan.

# Just bend a little
Bend over backwards #

# Bend, you gotta bend
That's a major start #

Look here, fat ass,
what's all the chat about?

The whole bloody lot of you are living off
me and if you want to keep it that way,

listen!

You're right, my boy. I'm sorry, Barry.

Now, quiet, everybody.

You too.

# �too much to live with
It's time to start playing a part #

Barry's started to get feelings.
What about it, eh?

# So, bend, you got to bend over backwards
Bend a little, bend over backwards #

# Bend, you gotta bend
That's the way to start #

# Bend, you gotta bend over backwards
Bend, you gotta bend over backwards #

# Bend, you gotta bend
That's the way to start� #

Hey, Felix, baby, this is going straight
to the top and it's gonna stay there.

- Fantastic, Barry baby, fantastic.
- Great.

Hey, Peter, Lydia, what do you think?

- Best yet, darling.
- Gonna make a million, baby.

A million
by the first two weeks of release.

I'm coming in.

Okay, let's hear you take four again.

Oh, it's beautiful, it's beautiful.

- You're the greatest.
- You're not wrong.

You know that Braid
has kissed so many asses,

he's beginning to look like
a duck-billed platypus.

# Bend over backwards� #

- You know, we are idiots.
- Hmm?

Why should Barry have to pay
two commissions? He must get rid of him.

Well, I'll do it when the time comes.

# �the world go around� #

Would you believe? They're still talking.

# �and anger will only destroy you
Resentment #

# Will tear you apart� #

Twice a week I say a prayer of thanks
that the boy stays well.

# Bend over backwards, bend
You gotta bend, that's the way to start #

# All you need is just a hug #

What are you looking like that for?

Do you remember that girl that Jake
smuggled into the Paris hotel room?

What about her?

Well, I just tried to smuggle her
out of here, but she doesn't want to go.

Don't let her in!

Keep calm, Jake.
I've got some very happy news for you.

Oh yes? What?

We're expecting.

Say hello to daddy.

# �and deception
Are too much to live with� #

Don't make jokes like that, Val.
They're not funny.

- Oh, I'm not joking, believe me.
- Who says?

- She says.
- Look.

I'll handle it, I'll handle it.

No, no, let me talk to him.

Let Jake handle this, Peter.

I say he deserves it.
He's a walking stud farm.

Shut up!

He's 150 pounds of dynamite
with a two-inch fuse.

Lovely show, lads. All continental girls.

- The English are a dying race, old matey.
- Right.

And England's becoming the chronic wing
of an old men's home.

Nothing left to do but remember.

- To the show, boys?
- No.

Look at this. Fresh model walk-up.

You can't even find a good old-fashioned
English whore anymore.

- With the exception of my first wife.
- Got a show for you, mate.

She started
the promiscuous society singlehandedly.

- Here you are, mate.
- Thank you.

See, the bloody trouble with sex today
is that all women try to sell it.

Either for money, quick hire, or a roof
over their heads, long-term rental.

Very profound.

- Hello, Gooding.
- Hello, Peter.

Two Scotches, Mario.

Doubles, love.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Still thinking about last night?

Forget it, mate.

Well, she's gonna give me one of these.
I mean, she's going for good.

What's a marriage between friends?

Between friends is fine,
but between me and Angela, wow.

It'll soon blow over. Hey,
why don't you go home and make it up?

I'll come with you, break the ice.

Go on.

Mrs. Reaney, it's Mr. Reaney.

Probably not back yet.

Bluebeard's come back for his razor.

Honey?

- Val!
- Yeah?

- She's left me!
- No.

That bitch! She has left me!

Don't you� She� She's just walked out.
Look at this!

- Oh, this is just a game, you know.
- I tell you, she's gone!

Look. Read that.

Vanished without a trace.

- Look at this. Look. Taken everything.
- She'll be back.

Oh, that bitch!

Come on, Peter. Don't let's hang around.

No, you go.

Hey, come on.

You've got to eat, man.

Jody will fix us something good to eat.

- Did you read this at the end?
- No, what?

She says, "PS,
the garbage must go out today."

- You're kidding!
- Do you want it?

- Yeah, we should frame it.
- Okay.

- I mean, the garbage, for God's sake!
- Yes.

The dustbin.

- Oh! Mr. Reaney.
- Hmm?

- Hello, Mrs. Franchetti.
- Hello.

Your wife is not here?

- No, isn't there. Goodbye.
- Oh, I have her new dress here.

There will be no more expensive creations
delivered to that door.

- Hmm?
- What happened, Mr. Reaney? She's "hill"?

- "Hill"? Oh, ill? Ill? No, no.
- Yes.

No, not ill. She just isn't there,
she's gone. She's left.

- Um, but we're just separated.
- Oh.

- Thank you. Grazie.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Reaney.

I understand you, you know.

When my Carlos died, it's so terrible.

Oh, if there is anything I can do�

Cook you a meal, for example.

- Have you my number?
- That I have.

If you play your cards right,
you can have that.

You're joking.

You sure have been keeping her a secret.

- Mrs. Franchetti, a secret?
- Mm-hmm.

- Didn't you smell her?
- Mm, the perfume.

- The perfume?
- The perfume.

- You saw where she lives?
- I did.

I can smell her through the walls.

I know I'm being a bit of a bore.

- Of course not.
- I just don't know who else I can talk to.

Daddy still takes me as his little girl.

Anyway, he's the last person in the world
I could say this kind of thing to.

I have tried.

Even at the beginning,
Peter and I were poles apart.

You know, I was sure just being married
would bring us closer.

It doesn't do that, does it?

Isn't it funny that your husband

can make you feel a stranger
in your own home?

Like when we went back to Mommy's
and Daddy's for Sunday lunch.

They didn't care for him.

He didn't like them,
so that was a good start, wasn't it?

I certainly wasn't ready
for someone like Peter.

I'd never met anyone like him before.

Which is why I suppose I�
sort of fell in love with him.

He had such an enormous appetite
for his job, the world.

And me.

Do you know�

he used to want to come home in the middle
of the day and� want to make love.

He was so physical.

I'm not.

He used to take me to bed and�

want me to do things,

want me to say things.

I couldn't.

I just couldn't.

Then he started drinking.

I suppose it was my fault, really.

It's not that I don't like sex.

I'm just not a very sexy person.

Peter needs someone all the time.

Don't tip him,
he's got a dirty windscreen.

Keep the change. Thank you.

# Oh, I'm leaving you today #

# Peter Reaney #

# For all your drunken sins
Now you must pay #

# I can almost see you #

# Divorcing, Peter Reaney #

# Don't forget the garbage out today #

Bloody garbage!

Let's take the gutter talk inside,
shall we?

Shh. The children.

Shh.

Hello.

After you.

Hmm. After you, Jody.

Thank you.

- Happy days are here again.
- # Happy days are here again #

- Hello, Frances.
- Hello.

How we're glad to see you.

You are the most gorgeous
clotheshorse I know.

- What, this dirty old thing?
- Hm-mm.

Yup.

- Is Angela with you?
- Oh, "Is Angela with you"?

Is Angela with him?

Haven't you heard? Have you not heard?
She finally left Petey baby.

Oh, Val, for heaven's sake,

there's a time and place to start
talking about things like that.

What's the matter?
You can't keep good news secret.

I knew she was going.
She phoned and told me.

Did she say anything else?

I'll look after you
if you promise not to behave.

Thank you. Now, did she say anything else?

Oh, just the usual.
About your being drunk,

you're never at home,
nasty to her parents, and there was more.

- Plenty more.
- Charming, charming.

A natural sexual appetite
would be my guess.

- Ah!
- There's no such thing.

Absolutely right.

There's nothing better
than a bloody good�

- Mommy.
- How are you, young man?

I can't get to sleep.

Oh, your tongue's got great brakes,
Frances.

Face could do with
a bit of a retread though.

That's alright.

Hello, my big, big, big fellow.

What about getting a beer
for your old daddy and his friend?

You finished it all yesterday.

That's right. So, I ordered some more.

For emergencies.

You're a psychic, my love.

I have to be.

Mark, go and get the bottles, will you?

And straight to bed afterwards.

He can't get it all on his own.

I don't think you're to blame, Peter.

Angela isn't the gayest thing on two legs.

And whose legs are we talking about, then?

- Angela's.
- Oh, not still on about her.

Well, they talked about
the Titanic for years afterwards.

It's amazing how people love a disaster.

They even look back on the bloody war
as the happiest time of their lives.

Marriage can be the bloodiest war
of the lot.

- Oh, that's nice.
- That's nice.

- Mark, come on, bed.
- You're in trouble, mate.

Come along, quickly.

What's the point of pretending?

Honesty never hurt any marriage.

Only indifference can do that.
Think about it.

Here ended the first lesson.

Say goodbye to the Mother Superior.

We'll all go and get drunk
on communion wine.

No one's going anywhere.

Up now. There's too much to be done.

Peter obviously won't want to go back
to an empty flat.

- No.
- There's a bed to be made up.

- Oh no! Don't be saddled with me!
- Yeah, yeah!

Val knows
where the sheets and blankets are.

And Frances and I
will get some food for us all.

What a good idea.

- Bring a girl back.
- Hmm.

It'd be great, man.

- Fancy Frances?
- Oh!

Oh, well, what are you gonna do?
Pull her for me, are you?

- Over my dead body.
- Hmm.

- You know something?
- What?

I think she'd love that.

How much are we paying for the abortion?

About, um�

- About 300.
- Too much.

It's� It's today's price.

I'm more interested in yesterday's price.
Get it down.

Why don't you get a couple more
of Barry's girls

and then you'll get a reduced price
for quantity.

So, offer 200, Jake.

And if it'll cost us 300, well,
we'll just have to pay it. Right, Norman?

- Agreed?
- Yes.

No.

Look, we're scraping the fetus
from a kid's womb and we're voting on it

and financing it? This is not
a business merger we're talking about.

Look, Peter, she's very young.

So was the Virgin Mary.

I don't think
we want to drag religion into this.

Look, Braid. It's too late to fix a lock
on that little bastard's underpants,

but we've got to talk to the girl.

Maybe she wants the child.

Alright, we'll have to talk her
out of that, but let's talk to her!

Let's apologize
before we rip our guts out.

Why do you work yourself up like that,
my boy?

Why? Because I, at least, am trying
to pretend I'm a human being.

- What happened?
- Eva, as of now, I'm out.

If anybody calls,
I don't work here anymore.

He'll be back.

Walking out of a very well-paid job, you
call that decent? I think that's stupid!

Anyway, since when
could you afford a conscience?

Since when have you thought about
anything in your life but yourself?

Uh� When I wrote my will out.

Ah, shut up!

You go through every day just joking.
You joke your whole life.

Can you think of a better way
of spending every lousy day?

What's gonna happen
when you're 60 years old?

When I'm 60 years old,
I'll be laughing.

But you'll finish up on the railway,
working with your old man.

I'll tell you something about my old man.

At least he has the decency to despise me

because I'm in this lousy job!

You're wrong. It's a great job.

Look at all the interesting people
you meet. I mean, me, for instance.

I'll tell you something about you, Val.

If you go on joking your way through life,

you'll end up the loneliest,
bloodiest old bore of all time.

- I'll still have you.
- Not at this rate, you won't.

I'll file our divorce papers
first thing in the morning.

Hello.

I was just passing by
and I wondered if everything was�

alright.

Oh, yes.

- And you, son?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

You're in pretty good shape.

- Did I thank you for the money?
- Oh, yes, sure.

No, I just thought, you know, maybe�

if I could do something, I�

Do you have enough coal?

- It's summer.
- Oh, it's� it's summer.

I�

I was just going to bed.

Well, see you then.

Dad?

Uh�

Look, if you ever get tired, you know,
of living alone, you can always move in�

Oh, no, no, no. No, it's�

It's alright, I�

I've� some very good neighbors.

Cheers, okay?

- Oh, it's you.
- Well, of course it's me.

I thought maybe bad man.

Maybe bad man?

Oh, burglars? No, no, no,
I just made a lot of noise

clearing out all that modernistic stuff.

Oh.

I will help you.

You are very late.

You find already someone.

No, no!

Not at all.

You are unhappy alone.

- No.
- Yes, I'm sure.

- No.
- Yes, I feel that.

No!

I understand you, Mr. Reaney.

When my Alberto died,

- Alberto?
- I feel so� Yes.

I thought his name was Carlos.

He was my first husband.

- Oh, your first husband.
- So, please, Mr. Reaney,

you must talk to me.

- What?
- I understand this thing.

Yeah, well, you see, I-I finished with
all this, and I was just going to bed.

Oh, it's a very good idea.

I will bring you a nice hot drink.

Milk?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

No, no, the kitchen is there.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Franchetti, not...

I will go.

No! No, no.

How are you?

Fine.

Where's Angela?

She's left.

- For good?
- Yep.

It's lucky there are no children.

Angela didn't want children

because it would make this� home untidy.

I'm gonna change.

�change your mind,
providing for a family�

Oh, really?

Now, what's this resignation all about?

Now, look, Peter,

I'm sorry.

I know how you feel.

I've got a niece the same age
as that girl.

Now, believe me,
I'm going to speak to Barry.

Now, what do you say
we forget the whole thing, huh?

I've learned a lot by this.

And I've apologized.

But did you apologize to the girl?

Peter. I need you.

You're the best I've got.

You're like a son to me.

Is this the gratitude I get?

Look, it's not a question of gratitude
or apologies, Felix, it's me.

It's just the way I am.

To resign over a small thing
like a pregnant girl!

It doesn't make sense to me!

You really mean that, don't you?

If you change your mind, let me know.

If you go,

give me four weeks' notice.

For all those years,

that's not too much.

And Peter, remember,

you promised to unload our friend Braid.

Never, never, never would I ever be put
in such a position again.

And how can you allow me to perform

before a bunch
of 12-year-old snot-nosed brats?

- Barry, will you let me get a...
- Will I what?

I mean, why the hell weren't you
or anybody from this office with me?

Can I get a word in edgewise now?

What?

Lydia was with you, Jake was with you,
Val was with you.

- So what? Where were you?
- Well, I have other clients, haven't I?

- Other clients?
- Yes, that's right.

Do you know what I pay you in commissions?

- Approximately. Who else?
- Who else makes that kind of money?

Listen, I want service who I want. Out!

Barry is right.

From now on, there'll be someone
with you from the agency full-time.

Lydia, make sure we have a copy
of Barry's daily schedule.

- Two, love, please.
- Of course.

- I'll have it over to you every morning.
- Hmm.

Well, now, how is this week's show coming?

Oh, it's great, Felix, really.

Oh, spare me. How would you know, huh?

Look, you call yourself a writer?

- Are you talking to me?
- Yeah.

It was your fault, you know,
that I screwed up at that lousy benefit.

Where did you find those tired jokes,
Val? On a lavatory wall?

Barry, I didn't write them.

But whose were they?

Barry changed the lines.

I what?

You changed the lines!

Barry, what's it matter
if a bunch of little kids broke up?

The benefit was a great success.
It all worked out.

Worked out how?

The boys have voted you
Singer of the Year.

Hey, now, that's bloody marvelous!

- You deserve it.
- There's no one like him.

Marvelous.

Oh, I love you fellas.

Forget about the benefit.

I mean, everybody screws up
once in a while.

Look, I want you all to come
to a stag party I'm throwing for Herbie.

I'm telling you,
there'll be lots of action.

It's getting late, Barry.

- You gotta do those magazine photographs.
- Oh no.

Let them wait, huh?

We'll go to my place first.

Uh, Barry, love,
let's get the photographs done.

Jake, do us a favor, love. Get lost.

- What really happened?
- Hmm?

Oh, Barry, he, uh,
he adlibbed a couple of gags

that'd make
a 50-year-old nymphomaniac blush.

Well, I shall now walk

slowly back to my office
and kiss Barry Black's photograph.

- Morning.
- Good morning, sir.

- Excuse me, Mr. Reaney.
- Yeah.

Good morning, Mr. Reaney.

Hello.

Miss, uh� Thomas, isn't it?

- That's right.
- How are you this morning?

- Excuse me, Miss Thomas.
- I'm at work.

Mr. Reaney, this, uh� this check is for

- rather a large sum.
- Yes.

No problem.
There's over 3,000 pounds in that account.

There was.

What?

Excuse me.

Oh, don't tell me.

She's taking the money.

- Now, listen here, Angela.
- We have nothing to say to you.

- Now, Mr. Reaney...
- What?

This is a joint account.

We have no authority to prevent checks
from being cashed.

- Come, Angela. There's nothing to be said.
- Huh-uh!

Huh-uh!

You don't seem to appreciate the fact
that they have just raped

the only worthwhile thing
in this marriage,

the joint bank account!

And why not?

It was all I could salvage from the wreck.

Alright, Angela! I'll deal with this.

Oh, let her speak for herself.
She's twice the man you'll ever be anyway.

I know your sort.

Now, you might be used to
behaving like a lout and a cad.

Your trade's full of your type
behaving like that.

Well, your values are not ours,
I'm glad to say.

If you'd bother to try
and fit into our kind of background,

you might have benefited a bit yourself,
but you didn't!

And now, you're paying for it.

Excuse me.

The account still has a credit
of 287 pounds, Mr. Reaney.

"Two hundred and 87 pounds, Mr. Reaney."

Well, I can't keep news like that
to myself. I must share it with everyone.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I have 287 pounds.

Is it a hold-up?

Come on.

Oh, you haven't met my charming wife,
Fangs Reaney.

And this is Daddy.

In a class of his own
that died before I was born.

- In fact, the last of the king's�
- Face your front, Angela.

...own royal Bengal.

Let's hear it for him, folks.

Let's hear it for him.

Good morning.

By the way.

We should be glad that she got the money
because you see, it's blood money.

And she was very, very anemic.

Hey, I see Shakespeare's
been in my script again.

Yeah, Herbie and I just trimmed it
and fixed up some new stuff.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, we just trimmed it.

What about this bit?

Oh, that bit's too much.
Hey, Val, look it here, look. Here.

Oh yeah, that bit, that's sensational.
It's great.

- We just switched the opening, that's all.
- Great, great.

Yeah, we just switched it.

What about the chicken gag?

Well, Val, what do you think? Funny?

Like it?

Like it? I love it, Barry. I mean,
with your talent, you don't need a writer.

All you need is a typewriter.

We didn't rewrite much,

just that middle segment.

Yeah, it's just the middle segment,
but now the script is as sharp as a knife.

Couldn't be more cut up about it.

Herbie also changed the dialogue
over the final stuff.

Yeah, do you want Val to work on it
and polish it up a bit?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Do that,
will you, Val? Just give it a polish.

Shall I give it a French polish,
or shall I keep it clean?

- Funny!
- I got a million of them.

Alright, one, take up your position.

Then across. Too fast. Stop. Back, back.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Hold it, one. Cue Barry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's my great pleasure to introduce to you
my very special star.

I don't care what you say,
I'm not going to do it!

Now, get off!

- Who does she think she is?
- Oh, go on, get off!

- Anything I can do?
- Okay, Barry, look, I'm here, I'm here!

That's a big deal! Look, your so-called
guest singer is about 20-foot tall.

What are you going to do about it?
Shrink her?

Tell him to go to hell.

- He says what's the problem?
- Now, give me that.

Look, if you think I'm going to
introduce Glenda, then you can forget it!

Why?
Because it makes me look like a midget!

He's right, you know.
He's absolutely right.

She's your guest singer,

so we can open with a single of her.

Sure, then I come on
looking like her kid brother? Thank you!

No one will know how small he is.

If you're not in vision at the same time�

- Don't you shout at me!
- Look, I'll go up, I'll go up!

What does that little twit want me to do?

- You tell him!
- Walk on my knees?

Who does he think I am? Al Jawston?

I heard that, you rotten bitch.

He's got no class.

Just one big happy family, huh, Jake?

I'll be a lot happier when we've got rid
of Mary Gray's little problem.

- Oh.
- Today's the day!

-She must be-
-You got a good man, didn't you, Jake?

I mean, a really qualified doctor?

Sure!

Mind you, he's been struck off the list,
but he's good.

Makes a fortune.

Jake.

Do you still have the address?

- Was it worth it, eh?
- Oh, well.

Look.

Just, uh, mention my name.

- Your name?
- He's an old friend.

Make sure your girl�

An abortion.

Takes it out of you. Know what I mean?

Now, hurry up.
Are you nearly dressed?

Now, when the pain comes back,

I want you to take these pills.

The important thing to remember is�

The important thing to remember

is that you must lie down
for at least 48 hours.

And, uh� come and see me in a month's time

and we'll fix you up
so this sort of thing won't happen again.

You got somebody to drive you? Next.

Do as I tell you. Go to bed. Come in.

Turn around, darling. Take it off.

Take it off. Come on!

Take it off, baby!

# For I'm a jolly good fellow #

# For I'm a jolly good fellow #

# For I'm a jolly good fellow #

# And so� #

If that Herbie doesn't shut that trap,

I'm gonna stick one right on the end
of his nose.

# So say all of you
And so say all of you #

Why don't you put an egg in your boot
and beat it?

Right, darling. Let her perform!

Get off!

Smooth things over.
Ow! You son of a bitch!

- Sorry.
- Peter, stop it!

Jake, for heaven's sake, do something.
Making me look like a fool!

Stop it, Val!

You old raver.

- Oh!
- Peter!

Wait, coming, coming!

What are you doing to my friend?

He called me old.

Let's get out of here.

Take it.

The Lord says a gentleman may�

pass water on the�

rear offside of the vehicle.

Exactly.

Which one shall we pass water on?

Find me a Rolls-Royce.

- Rolls-Royce.
- And if you can't

find a Rolls-Royce�

A Jaguar.

Jaguar.

Next best thing is a Jaguar.

Right?

Ready?

- Quit shoving.
- I'm not shoving.

Come on, then. We sent
your friend home more than an hour ago.

Morning.

You'll be required to appear
in court at ten o'clock in the morning.

And let me give you a piece of advice.
Don't be late.

Mm-hmm.

I see public enemy number two
is home safe and sound.

Well, safe, but I'm not
too sure about sound. I've got this� Oh.

Do you have any coffee?

As a matter of fact, I do.

And how is our dear old drunken Val?

Out, like a light.

Oh, cheer up, Peter. It could be worse.

You want to bet?

Think positive.

About what?

I've lost my wife, I've quit Felix.

I'm rapidly heading for the bottom.

You've got to stop feeling sorry
for yourself.

You're an attractive man.

And very good at your job.

Some job.

All I know is booking lousy acts,
third-rate singers,

- or listening to some idiot actors.
- Oh, stop being so cynical.

Don't you ever dream?

All the time.

When I'm asleep and when I'm awake.

What do you want?

I don't know, love.

People are flying to the moon,

kids are turning governments upside down,
and I do nothing.

I've got to justify my existence.

I have to find something.

Or someone.

You know who I am, don't you?

- You're Roger the Lodger.
- Hm-mm.

The sod.

I'd better go.

Pass the marmalade, darling, will you?

Where is it? Oh.

Mommy sits there.

Sit where you like, mate.

Fill me up, love, will you?

Bloody hell!

Sarah, go and get a tea cloth, quickly.

Oh God.

If you drank less,
you'd have a steadier hand.

Are you saying
that that was my blood fault?

Val!

Well, stop pretending
just 'cause he's here!

- Go and sit down, Sarah.
- You think she doesn't swear

in front of the children?

Stop shouting!

Good morning, folks.

Welcome to another breakfast show
with the battling Pringles.

Case number five,
Your Worship, Mr. Reaney and Mr. Pringle.

You are charged
with committing a nuisance

under section four
of the Vagrancy Act of 1824,

behavior liable to cause
a breach of the peace.

Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

Yes, Officer?

I saw the accused lurching
in a drunken manor towards the vehicle,

adjusting their clothing
by the offside door.

I then stepped out�

State your name,
age, and size of boot.

I hereby give notice that I love Jody.

Put that in your book.

�and Mr. Reaney replied,

"You have caught us
with our knickers down."

I then took them
to the police station,

where they were cautioned and charged

and Mr. Pringle said,

"I would rather
you did not kiss me good night."

Mr. Reaney made no reply.

- Anything known?
- Nothing known, Your Worship.

Both of you are old enough to know better.

I advise you to stay sober in future

and be your age.

This juvenile escapade
will cost each of you�

two pounds.

Step down.

From conviction,
straight back to hard labor.

No wonder people take up a life of crime.

- I sentence you to deportation for life.
- Why?

Because I'm having it off with your wife,
that's why.

Hey, taxi!

Val, I'm in love with Jody,

- Do you know that?
- Taxi!

See you at the studio, Pete.

Val�

Hi, Pete. I thought I'd find you here.

Hello, mate.

Can you do me a favor?

How much?

Oh no, it's not money. It's� It's Jody.

She'd been on at me lately
about not taking her out or anything.

- Remember that girl, Mary Gray?
- Be a friend.

Take her to the movies for me
or something, will you?

I mean, I haven't even
started that script yet

- and I've got to turn it in tomorrow.
- Listen, mate.

- We've got to have a talk.
- Look.

You're not doing anything tonight,
are you?

No.

Hello.

Hello.

Afraid we have to queue.

If we're going to the pictures,
you'll have to hold my hand, you know.

As long as you don't talk
during the feature.

If I whisper, "I love you," then what?

Darling, control yourself.
It's all you have to do.

Impossible!

I've read about ladies like you.

Well, it's like this. Art is dicey,
but crap is a guaranteed market.

It wasn't a mistake that morning.

I loved you all I knew then.

I love you more now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm afraid the cinema is full.

There'll be no more seats tonight.

- Sorry.
- Oh, now you tell us!

Sorry about that.

Darling. What's go into you?

Come up with me
and see if the kids are okay.

Right. Okay, sure.

Sorry to break up the script, love.

No big dramas now.
Let's not turn a perfectly normal screw

- into Eastlyn.
- Oh, shut up!

Excuse me.

If you want him, take him.

But if you just came for a quickie,

then get out.

Evening, Frances.

Pity your figure is gone.

Let's face it, you get more exercise.

Oh, open the door and don't be so stupid.

What's he doing now?

He's locked himself in and he won't
come out if there's anyone here.

You'd better go.

Um� Frances.

I think I'm gonna drive you home,

- when you're decent.
- Too late for that.

Back to bed!

I'll be downstairs.

Oh, Val, open the door!

Coming in for a quick one?

Another?

I was talking about a D-R-I-N-K.

Oh, a drink, fine.

No, leave the gate, it's rotten.

Lovely view.

Mmm, the Thames at night.

And the fairies
at the bottom of the garden.

Oh, I see.

- Watch it. You could break your neck.
- I'm watching.

- There's a slippery bit.
- Oh, sorry about that.

Well, this shipboard life, you know,
I'm not used to it.

I bet you're dying to know
about your friend Val, aren't you?

Absolutely intrigued.

For a writer, he's got no imagination.

Well, he's just a�
kind of straightforward chap.

Do you know he kept his socks on?

Well, he's kind of absentminded, isn't he?

Ah, is that what they call it,
absentminded? Oh, well.

Well, I can tell you're my best friend.

- Peter?
- Hm-mm?

Do you want me?

Well, actually, it's against
my competitive instincts to come second.

You are too far away from me.

- Darling.
- Mm-hm?

Do you have any rope?

Rope?

You know, all kind of prickly and twisty.

Oh! You've got the most way-out
leather coat. I've seen you wear it.

Or even better.

A plastic mat. You know, all kind�

Oh, these are perfect! Perfect!

So kinky!

Listen, if we can't find any rope,
we'll have knotted string.

Oh now, please.

What's the matter with you?

What is wrong with a perfectly normal�

You don't understand. You see.

You come in

and you pretend to be my nanny.

- Oh my God.
- Are you crazy? Come on. Stop it!

No, and I've been naughty and you come in
with your red booties and you say�

- Cut it out!
- No, look! You say,

- Are you sick or something?
- "Peter, you've left your rice pudding,"

- and then you punish me like dreadfully.
- Get out of here!

Get out of here!

I thought you wanted to make love.

Get out of my house!

- You could've whipped me and everything.
- Come on. Get out!

I meant to wait up. It got so late.

What are you doing here, Angela?

Would you like some coffee?

No.

Sorry about Monday at the bank.

I made Daddy put it all back.

Keep it.

I'm serious, I don't want it. Keep it.

Peter.

I'm�

sorry�

about everything.

I'll sleep on the couch.

Don't go.

I'd forgotten how awful Dad was
to live with.

Angela, I loved you.

And I hated you.

And if I felt either emotion right now,

it might be worth a try.

I'm sorry.

And where did you spend the night?

I went home.

Oh.

Jody's still upstairs.

How are things?

Don't ask.

Want a coffee?

Yeah.

- Did she say anything, Val?
- You sod.

You sod, if you'd been ten minutes later.

Who's down there, Val?

It's me.

Do me a favor.

Keep her talking, you know, smooth things
over while I go and get dressed?

Good morning.

So formal.

I think love embarrasses you.

I don't really think I'm used to it yet.

You'll learn.

What did he ask you to do?

- Smooth things over?
- Yes, he did!

You see, I� I tried.

Honestly tried to tell him about us, but�

Poor Val.

We're just a habit with each other now.

Are you ready, Peter? Let's go.

What are we gonna do?

Tell him, Peter.

We've got to.

Hey, hurry up, Pete.

See you later, love.

Sorry I embarrassed you last night.

Oh.

You watch where you're going.

Thinking about Jody and the kids.

The way things are going, I'll have to
spend a little more time at home.

What?

Might even finish my book.

Bitch.

Who?

Frances.

How was the movie?

We didn't go to the movie, Val.

- What do you mean?
- We didn't go to the movie.

Val, look out!

Stupid bastard!

Val?

Val! Val!

"The last will and testament
of Val Pringle

or a letter to those I may concern.

One of these days,

I'm going to be taken dead.

I wanted to write what was in my heart,

but too often,

I found it to be

an empty space.

To my wife, Jody,

I bequeath the following.

I'm sorry�

for all those times

I lacked courage.

You will have all my worldly goods.

And best wishes
for a long and happier life.

To my children,

may they grow up strong

and unafraid,

with the ability to laugh,

especially at themselves.

To my friend, Peter, Reaney,

I will unashamedly

my love�

and all good things

and I ask him

to help look after my family.

Finally,

I give my� body�

for what it is worth�

to a hospital for medical research

or�

to a glue factory."

Let's leave it.

They must be asleep.

Listen, Barry's Scandinavian tour
starts tomorrow.

You're going back to Felix?

I suppose so.

That's what I'm best at.

Peter, I'm not asking you
to choose between me and Felix.

All I'm saying is,
if you decide to play the agency game,

please don't come home and bitch about it.

I want a man to walk into the house,

not a little boy
who's been kicked in the playground.

I know.

No one's conscripted into being
a parasite, but I'll tell you something.

Since I chose to be one,

I am going to be the best

in the business.

- Good morning.
- Oh, good, the whole team's here.

- Hi, Barry. Can I see you a minute, Jake?
- Hello.

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.

- Now, Peter, just a minute.
- Excuse us.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Jake.

Hi, Eric.

You've done a wonderful job with Barry.

- Thank you very much, Peter.
- No, I mean it.

- Mr. Braid, I have a message for you.
- Not now.

- He's a pretty tough kid to handle.
- Sure.

- But�
- Excuse me.

We've decided�

Come in here a minute.

Jake, we feel you're well worth
what we're going to offer you.

Peter, that's very kind of you.

Fifty thousand quid.

Uh, this is a conference.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- How much?

Fifty thousand pounds.
That's for Barry's contract.

All good things come to an end, Jake.

- But you're not serious.
- I'm serious.

Now, look, Peter.

Barry's� He's my life.

Besides, I don't think 50,000 pounds

is a proper return
for my part of his contract.

Well, we think it is. And you'll accept it

because the only other alternative
is a certain so-called doctor

who carries your name in his files.

What about Felix?

There's no connection, Jake.

- Well, he's just paid for it, that's all.
- He knows nothing about it.

- He's just paid for it!
- Prove it!

And when the public finds out that Barry

wanted to marry that girl,

with his heart broken
when he learned what you did.

Oh yes.

That's very good.

I shall talk to Barry

and he'll listen to me
because I'm closer to him than you!

We're clean, Jake!

Fifty thousand spread over two years.

That's the deal.

Look at me!

Deal?

I found him!

That is the deal.

What's going on?

Nothing, I just made a deal with Jake.
We'll have that in writing.

Look.

I got rid of him for you, Felix.

You know my price?

Fifty percent.

Forty.

- Can't we negotiate?
- No more talk, Felix.

Remember what you said.
I'm like a son to you.

- What about your resignation?
- Forget it, partner.

I'll tell Barry about Jake.

Yes, you do that.
He'll be happy to save the commission.

That's fine with me.

We share the money,

we share the problems.

Somebody's got to be at the inquest today.

What inquest?

Mary Gray's.

She's dead.

Who's dead?

The girl Barry got pregnant.

The mother's been taken care of.

But we don't want the press
getting at her, huh?

So, you'll handle that, will you?

Pick me up at Barry's house
when it's over.

Partner.

Mary Louisa Gray,

age 17, death by hemorrhage
caused by induced miscarriage

procured by personal persons unknown.

Police to follow� Oh, thank you.

I swear by almighty God
that the evidence I give to this court

should be the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth.

It appears that the girl went to
cartoon cinema sometime in the afternoon.

Sorry, chief, I pushed
the automatic destruct button by mistake.

Oh, never mind.

- Just bring in Yellow Pinkie.
- Right, chief!

Oh, by the way,
how do I find Yellow Pinkie?

Look in the phonebook under Pinkie,

- what else?
- Now why didn't I think of that?

No wonder he's a chief agent.

- Where to now with this?
- Into the ocean, Morocco.

- Our target lies a few miles out at sea.
- Roger.

Gosh, you mean we got
to bring back Yellow Pinkie?

Right. And keep your eyes open.

I got a funny feeling we're being watched.

These secret agents.

Don't they know that I, Yellow Pinkie,

am much too clever to be captured?

Just stick close to me, Morocco,

and you got nothing to worry about.
We mustn't be separated.

Welcome to Yellow Pinkie's island,
gentlemen.

What can I do to you? I mean, for you?

You can come along peacefully.

- You're under arrest, Yellow Pinkie.
- And if I don't?

One of the patrons
had found the girl unconscious.

I had promptly instructed the manager

to telephone for an ambulance
while I pursued my investigations.

Ring for an ambulance.

I don't want the house lights up
to disturb the patrons.

- Yes, very good, sir.
- Shh!

Secret ray gun, laser beam gun.

I'll use the laser blazer.

So long, Yellow Pinkie.

This mirror
will bounce that laser beam right back.

Imagine, trying to trap me
with a crude laser gun.

How dr�le.

There was no pulse.
Immediate cause of death was not apparent.

Thank you, Officer.

The callous brutality,

the commercial disregard for human life
so often present in these abortion cases

is a cause for the deepest concern.

When I think of this young girl
dying in public,

in a place of entertainment,

I see a total obscenity.

I would like to thank all the mothers

of all the daughters
for making this possible.

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

Wait here.

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

You alright?
Hello, everyone!

Hey!

Where the hell have you been?
Have you got the tickets?

I've been to see the mother
of one of your girls.

- Hi!
- Her daughter died.

What daughter?

Mary Gray. She's dead!

Peter!

I can't feel sorry
for every little scrapper I pick up!

And there's plenty more
where she came from!

Black!

Go get some water.

- He hit my face.
- It's alright.

Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

# It's a good world for people
Who think good thoughts #

# It's a bad world for people who don't #

# Bend over backwards #

# Let your head touch the ground #

# Faith and compassion
Make the world go around #

# Envy and anger will only destroy you #

# Resentment will tear you apart #

# So bend, you got to bend over backwards
Bend, you got to bend over backwards #

# Bend, you gotta bend
That's the way to start #

# All you need is just a heart #

# All you need is just a heart #

# How can you stand it #

# While the universe falls #

# Start building bridges #

# And start tearing down walls #

# Lies and deceptions
Are too much to live with #

# It's time to start playing a part #

# So, bend
You got to bend over backwards #

# Bend a little, bend over backwards #

# Bend, you gotta bend
That's the way to start #

# All you need is just a heart #

# Lies and deceptions
Are too much to live with #

# It's time to start playing a part #

# So, bend
You got to bend over backwards #

# Bend a little, bend over backwards, bend
You gotta bend, that's the way to start #