All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 2x24 — Ophelia Visits Morticia

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They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

Ready, my dear?

Clean kills, every one of them.

Why don't we use the good china?

Get a much a zippier ping
when it shatters.

Darling, that is the good china.

Gomez, I think I've had enough.

Querida, you've been in a blue funk all day.

Perhaps a change of scenery will help.

Why don't we go to a drive-in movie?

Gomez, darling, why don't you
keep your mind on the problem?

- It is, it is.
- No, dear.

I mean my sister Ophelia's problem.

Oh, that problem.

Poor jilted darling.

Her heart must be broken by now.

That Montrose makes the fifth man
this year to get away from her.

Sixth! Humphrey was the fifth.
Lucky devil.

Gomez!

Let's face it.

Ophelia may be your older sister,

but in the school of romance,
I'm afraid she's just a dropout.

Well, I admit she is a bit aggressive.

But after all, that's because
she has so much to give.

You can say that again.

You remember that fellow Stanislaus
she used to date?

Well, she gave him a concussion
and two broken arms.

And they weren't even going steady.

Well, a girl must keep up
with her judo and her karate.

Anyway, I expect her here soon.

And while she's staying with us

I do think we should try
and lighten her burden.

I shall be the soul of compassion
and understanding.

Fester, what are you up to?

I'm making you some more skeet targets.

Miss Ophelia.

Oh, you poor girl, what happened?

Montrose didn't like that.

Spoilsport.

Where is my sweet,
gentle sister, Morticia?

She said she was gonna arrange lunch.

But she may be hiding.

Oh, dear brother-in-law,
I am the most miserable of people.

You've got me there.

I think I'll end it all.

I'll tell Morticia
there will be one less for lunch.

Gomez! Suicide on an empty stomach?

It's very unhealthy.

Ophelia!

Uncle Fester, I'm so unhappy.

Oh, you poor kid, what happened?

Montrose didn't like that.

He sure must be a weird one.

Darling Ophelia.

Oh, Sister Morticia, I'm so bereft.

Ophelia, it pains to me
to see you so unhappy.

What happened?

Gomez, dear, this is no time for games.

Come, Ophelia,
sit down and tell me all about it.

But skip the judo.

Here you are, Morticia.

I hardly know where to begin.

Well, suppose you start at the beginning.

Gee, Gomez,
your shell collection is getting real big.

Uncle Fester, please.

Go ahead, Ophelia.

Well...

Thank you, Thing.

Don't take it so hard, Ophelia.

This isn't the first time
you've been left holding the bag.

Uncle Fester, that will be quite enough!

I had the most divine ceremony planned.

The canopy was going to be
gray wolf bane

with accents of water lilies, wilted.

You always did have an eye for decorating.

We were going to take a three-week
honeymoon cruise on the African Queen.

By george, the man must be mad,

not sticking around
for a fun time like that.

He didn't even say goodbye.

All I got was a telegram
saying he was joining the Peace Corps

and going to the Arctic Circle.

Nice country.

Help.

That thing had a hurricane building up
inside of it.

I don't see what's so funny.

Pray forgive me, Uncle Fester.

It just suddenly occurred to me how much
you look like my dear Montrose.

In fact, you two could be twins.

The Peace Corps.

Imagine that precious tub of lard
getting into the Peace Corps.

A fine way to talk about your uncle!

As if the Peace Corps wouldn't
jump at a chance to have me join.

No, Uncle Fester,
Ophelia wasn't talking about you.

There may have been certain similarities

between you
and her description of Montrose.

- But I don't think...
- Sure.

If she was laughing at Montrose,
she was laughing at me

and my chances
of getting into the Peace Corps.

Well, let me tell you something.

There is great big world out there

just begging for a chance
to use my brains and talent.

And to prove it,
I am joining the Peace Corps.

- I'm...
- Uncle Fester!

I think it's wonderful.

- What? This?
- Yes.

No. No, I mean,
your joining the Peace Corps.

Maybe you could find my Montrose for me.

He's my true, true love.

Uncle Fester.

Think of all the help you could give
to people in other countries.

After all, who knows more about building
moats and drawbridges than you?

Say no more, my dear.

An old school chum of mine
is a bigwig in Washington.

I'll give him a call and get the ball rolling.

Congratulations, old man,
you're as good as in.

Can I look now? I'm dying of curiosity.

Not yet.

It's you, but something's missing.

Did you get my daisies?

Oh, yes,
especially the ones growing in your head.

Beautiful.

Oh, hi.

I'm making a study schedule
for my Peace Corps exams next week,

and you girls promised to help me.

So, now let's see.

I've got from 10:00 to 11:00 open
and from 5:00 till 6:00.

Which shall I put you down for, Morticia?

5:00 to 6:00.
I feed my plants from 10:00 to 11:00.

Oh, dear.

I generally weed my head
from 10:00 to 11:00.

But I guess I could rearrange my day.

Okay. Swell! With you girls helping me,
I'm a cinch to pass.

I feel a weed growing up there.

Oh, I'll get it.

That's a daisy. Very deep roots.

Oh, sorry.

There, got it!

Thank you, Uncle Fester. You are a dear.

Yeah, I guess there's
just no use fighting it.

You know something, Morticia?

That ice really captures
Ophelia's warm personality.

All right now.

"The examination will cover
general and specific topics.

"And you will be required

"to answer questions
based on a wide field of knowledge.

"Now, the following are typical examples
of questions that may be asked."

Are you ready?

- Shoot.
- All right, here we go.

"What is the first aid treatment
for a snake bite?"

Oh, that's a cinch.

You take the snake
and wrap him in a nice warm blanket

so he won't go into shock.

- Right?
- It certainly is.

But that's not the answer they have here.

I can't understand how they'd slip up
on a misprint like this.

Maybe that's an old book.
Try another question.

All right.

"The Peace Corps mission
is to make friends.

"Now, what would you do

"if you were invited to a feast
in a native village

"and were served such local delicacies

"as saut�ed bat wings,

"brisket of warthog
and sweet and sour scorpion stew?"

I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole.

Whoever heard of mixing saut�ed
bat wings and brisket of warthog?

Ready for the next question, Uncle Fester?

Just as soon as I get this nice and tight.

And I wanna thank you for taking
time off to help me study.

There!

All right, Wednesday, shoot.

"Many of the countries
low below the equator

"where the average rainfall exceeds
200 inches per year,

"what would you consider
the people's greatest need?"

Umbrellas.

Oh, Uncle Fester.

Canoes?

Now the swing shift is here.

I'll take over, Wednesday. Thank you.

Now, Uncle Fester,
this is very, very tricky.

You have to make sure that all these pegs
fit into their proper holes.

Oh, yeah, we had one of these things
around here before.

And you have 45 seconds to do it in.

Commence.

Oh, yeah. Hey, this is fun.

Anything that comes easily is fun, dear.

All right.

Hey, that's a toughie.

Oh, thank you, Thing.

Perfect! 45 seconds exactly.

However, Thing did help you
with that last one.

Oh, don't worry. When I take the test,
I'll bring my own mallet.

I was truly magnificent.

I bogeyed the fourth, seventh
and ninth holes.

I sliced in the quicksand on the 12th.

I evaded Mama's alligator on the 14th,

and I got a birdie on the 18th.

I think it was a hawk.
It was flying too high to be sure.

Just think,
last year you were a rank amateur.

It's perseverance.

Where's Fester?

I haven't seen him around much

since he started studying
for that Peace Corps exam.

He's in training.

Dear, dear Uncle Fester, that's what I like.

Always one step ahead of me.

One step ahead of you?

I got one foot in the grave.

Now, now.

You have to get into the Peace Corps
so you can find my Montrose.

So, on with our pushups.

Now then.

"Legs straight,

"arms bent at the side,

"head down,

"246 times."

246 times!

Oh, that's my mistake.
That's the page number.

256 times.

Got to get you nice and firm.

Straighten up.

And one.

We'll have to find some exercises
for that ground.

It needs firming up, too.

Now blow on it first, Cleopatra,
it's a very hot pizza.

That's mother's baby.

Morticia, have you seen Fester?
It's time for his vitamin shot.

I think he's with Ophelia.

You silly girl.

You'll get tomato sauce all over his jacket.

You know, dear,
she really has a thing for you.

I think she needs a soul mate.

Capital idea.

I'll call my office in Nairobi, have them
send over a male African strangler.

Cleopatra, you're a real flirt.

A true Addams. Well, gotta find Fester.

Fester!

Fester!

Fester!

Zounds!

Looks like I'll have to cut down
on the dosage.

Addams here.

- Washington calling?
- Gomez, darling...

Simpson on the phone from Washington.

Just spoke to the Peace Corps
about Fester.

Simpson, have they decided yet
where they want to assign him?

Yes.

Yes, I see. Well, thanks
for the old college try, Simpson.

What's the matter, darling?
Where are they going to send him?

Nowhere. They were impressed.

As a matter of fact,
the staff psychologist said

he wished that Fester would
commit himself for five or ten years.

Imagine that.

Darling, then why aren't they
going to send him anywhere?

Well, it seems
there's no country in the world

ready at the present time
to accept Fester's talents.

Uncle Fester is rather advanced.

Oh, dear, this is going to come
as quite a blow to Ophelia as well.

Well, I'd better tell him now.

No sense in him getting into condition
for nothing.

Wait a minute, darling, I have an idea.

You know how proud and independent
Uncle Fester is.

Yes, he'll be crushed when he finds out
they don't need him.

Absolutely.

So we must make him feel
he's more needed here at home.

Make it his decision
not to go into the Peace Corps.

Capital idea!

We can't tell Ophelia either.

You know how eager she is
for him to find her Montrose.

I'll talk to her later.

Fester won't be difficult.
He's a level-headed fellow.

And I know just how to handle it.

You look a little distressed, Gomez.

Going to end it all.

Is something wrong?

Well, I might as well tell you, Fester,
I'm ruined, wiped out.

That's impossible! You're worth a fortune.

Was, was, Fester.

I was worth a fortune.

But now I'm just another member
of the Great Society.

Well, only last week you bought a railroad
and an airline and a skateboard factory.

Yes, I was known all along Wall Street
as the go-go magnate.

Now it's all gone, gone, gone, gone!

There's only one way, Fester.

I can make sure Morticia and the children

and the rest of the family
will have something.

I hope that insurance premium check
doesn't bounce.

Goodbye, Fester.

You can have my trains, blasting caps.

Oh, gee, thanks.

For a minute there
I was sorry to see you go.

Fester, Fester, what about the children?

Don't worry about them.

They can play with the trains
all they want.

Fester, Fester,
children must have a father.

There must...
There must be some way, some way out.

Someone, someone with a computer,

a computer for a brain.

A cold, ruthless financial wizard
might turn the tables.

Where? Where can I find
someone like that?

- You're looking at him.
- You?

It's not for nothing
that they call me gold finger.

But, gee, that'd mean
I'd lose the trains and the blasting caps.

I'll buy you the trains
and the blasting caps.

Well, in that case...

Morticia, your paintings.

May I have a match please?

You're gonna burn them?

I tried calling the trash man,

but he doesn't pick up on Fridays.

Well, in that case...

But, Morticia,
these are your masterpieces.

They somehow seem so meaningless.

I seem to have lost contact
with my creative soul.

Yeah, so I see.

But then, every great painter
goes through a dry spell.

Yes.

If only I had some new challenge.

A stimulating model perhaps.

A new model?

- You found him.
- You?

Uncle Fester, that's it.

Don't move.

But, Morticia,

I've been so busy
helping Gomez get back on his feet.

Why, only yesterday
I told him to buy, buy, buy.

Buy, buy, buy?

Yeah, I meant sell, sell, sell.

But it was too late.
He bought and it went up and...

You see, he needs me.

Oh, yes.

And besides, the Peace Corps
will be yelling for me very soon.

But, Uncle Fester,
I need you so desperately, too.

You and the world.

Maybe I can squeeze you in.

Uncle Fester, you are an angel.

An angel!

That's it.

Uncle Fester, you've done it again.

I can feel my creative juices
surging through my veins.

That's wonderful, Morticia, but I...

I think I better come down now.

My creative juices aren't doing so well.

Just this final touch.

Gomez is asleep up in the tower,

but I know he'll be thrilled
when he sees this.

Hold it, hold it just a moment.

Tish, you spoke French.

Will you please get me down?

Darling, please, the rope.

Yes, the rope.

- Hurry, bubele.
- Bubele. That name!

Fester, dear, are you all right?

I'm okay, but...

Look at my bugle.

Hey, what do you know?
It's back in tune again.

This is the most important decision
I have ever made.

But I've made it.

I've decided not to join the Peace Corps.

- I'll answer the door.
- Lurch'll get the door.

What about my Montrose?
You promised you'd get him back for me.

So I did.

Okay, the Peace Corps.

How will I get along
without your financial advice?

That's true.

Okay, I'm out.

You mean I'm doomed
to a life of spinsterhood?

I'm in again.

Uncle Fester, you're my sole inspiration.

I'm out again.

I want my Montrose.

I'm in and out.

Gentleman for Miss Ophelia.

- Montrose!
- Baby!

I sure missed that.

Montrose, my love.

Home at last.

How could I ever leave
the only woman who told me

how I reminded her of Richard Burton?

Richard Burton?

Never! You know who he reminds me of?

James Bond.

Thank you, Thing, that's much better.

By george, Morticia,

this picture you painted
on the head of a pin is a dandy.

Thank you, darling.

I know how much you enjoy
those battle scenes.

Gomez, would you come outside
and help me hang up this sign?

Sign? What for?

Well, it seems a shame to waste all
that wonderful physical training I got.

So I'm gonna open up my own
Peace Corps physical fitness center.

That's very good thinking, Uncle Fester.

But doesn't the Peace Corps
have a training program of their own?

What do I care?

I got my first student
without even putting up the sign.

Wonderful! Who's your new student?

You rang?

One more.

One.

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