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[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE"
PLAYING]
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00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:14,871
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
3
00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:19,374
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
4
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:24,312
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
5
00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:28,953
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
6
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:33,558
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
7
00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:38,094
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
8
00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:42,936
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
9
00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:47,402
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
10
00:00:48,515 --> 00:00:50,244
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
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00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:51,748
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
12
00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,749
Thank you.
13
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,979
Thank you, everybody.
14
00:00:56,156 --> 00:01:00,058
Nice to be here. I feel pretty good today.
You know why I feel good? Because I--
15
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:03,127
Finally, I have the body that I want...
16
00:01:03,296 --> 00:01:05,662
...and that's a thing people really covet.
17
00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:08,460
It's a hard thing to achieve, and I did.
18
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:12,366
And I'm gonna tell you how
to have exactly the body that you want.
19
00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:16,373
You just have to want a shitty body.
That's all it is.
20
00:01:16,543 --> 00:01:17,703
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
21
00:01:17,877 --> 00:01:24,305
You have to want your own shitty,
ugly, disgusting body.
22
00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:29,285
I don't, though, like being uncomfortable
and unhealthy...
23
00:01:29,456 --> 00:01:32,289
...and I'm both of those things
all the time.
24
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:36,259
I get really sweaty all the time. I--
25
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:39,523
And that's also bad for sex,
because I just sweat--
26
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:43,066
I just rain sweat all over people.
27
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:44,430
Like, I'm like, uhhh.
28
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,198
And that's what I'm like
when I have sex. I go, uhhh.
29
00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:50,968
[BELLOWING]
30
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,171
And I always see her,
and she's like, just:
31
00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:57,749
Just sweat is pouring off my head.
32
00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:02,513
And she's like, "Dude,
you're limiting my enjoyment by a lot."
33
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,485
WOMAN:
No.
34
00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:08,218
Well, then you can call
for an appointment.
35
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,860
The results from that test don't come in
until tomorrow.
36
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:18,662
No, I have no way of knowing the results
before they get here.
37
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:24,099
Yes?
I'm here to see Ben, Dr. Mitchell.
38
00:02:24,277 --> 00:02:27,542
Okay, what time is your appointment
and what is your name?
39
00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:30,842
My name's Louie C.K.,
and he said to be here around 2.
40
00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:33,850
"He said"?
The doctor doesn't make appointments.
41
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:37,080
Well, I know him. Well, I used to.
We went to high school together.
42
00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:40,488
And I talked to him on the phone.
He said that I could come by.
43
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,185
He didn't put your name in the book
and didn't tell me.
44
00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:46,332
You don't have an appointment.
Can you check with him?
45
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,524
He's with a patient.
46
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:52,569
Okay, well, I'll just wait and--
Sir, you don't have an appointment.
47
00:02:54,073 --> 00:02:57,839
Yeah, no, I get that, but can you just
let me wait till he comes out and--?
48
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,809
You can't just sit in here
if you don't have an appointment.
49
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:03,505
Do people, like, come here
and steal medical treatment?
50
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,243
Do they steal it from you?
Is that what happens?
51
00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:09,217
Why can't you just let me wait--?
MAN: Just keep up that regime.
52
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:11,357
You will start feeling better very soon.
53
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,389
Thanks, doctor.
No problem.
54
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,256
Hey, Ben, how you doing?
55
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:21,327
You told me to come by, remember?
Do I know you?
56
00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:23,526
[LAUGHS]
57
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:26,729
Oh.
Come on through. It's fine, Priscilla.
58
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:30,132
Louis C.K.
59
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:33,108
I didn't mean to jump ahead of that woman
if she was waiting.
60
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:36,942
Don't worry, she's dying.
Yeah, no hope. Really sad.
61
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:40,574
It's cancer,
from her vagina up to her eyeballs.
62
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:43,187
So I'm just squeezing her
for insurance money...
63
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:45,187
...till her liver falls out of her ass.
64
00:03:45,358 --> 00:03:46,655
[LAUGHING]
65
00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:50,887
Man, that's not funny.
Oh, God, how are you?
66
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,794
I'm-- I feel like shit.
67
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,161
Feel like shit?
68
00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:58,702
Sure you feel like shit and not diarrhea?
Because you look like diarrhea.
69
00:03:58,871 --> 00:04:01,271
It looks like someone poured diarrhea
into a face-shaped mold.
70
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:02,533
[LAUGHING]
71
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:05,303
Could you stop? I'm worried.
I don't know what's up with me.
72
00:04:05,478 --> 00:04:07,605
Look up.
Okay.
73
00:04:11,217 --> 00:04:12,548
I know what's wrong with you.
74
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:14,482
What?
AIDS.
75
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,724
I can't believe you're a doctor.
76
00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:22,292
Strip down to your underpants.
Let's take a look at you.
77
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,159
Let's take a look at you.
78
00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:30,726
Jesus. That is--
79
00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:33,167
You don't need a doctor,
you need a time machine.
80
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:36,035
Did no one tell you tits are meant
to be on women, not men?
81
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:39,007
What is that?
Come on, man. This is a nightmare.
82
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:40,907
Get up here.
83
00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:44,244
Oh, dear. Okay.
84
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:49,047
Take a deep breath and hold it.
So how do you feel, really?
85
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:52,089
Apart from the tumor
I can hear in your lungs.
86
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,391
You're an asshole.
Strip all the way down.
87
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,429
Okay.
88
00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:04,293
Oh, God, Louie.
89
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:08,474
How can--? That is really bad.
90
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:12,475
That's the worst penis
I've ever seen in my life.
91
00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:14,607
That is disgusting.
92
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,608
It's-- Oh, my God.
93
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:20,480
This is the worst thing
that's happened to me, seeing that.
94
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:24,111
And my dad hung himself in front of me
whilst masturbating.
95
00:05:24,290 --> 00:05:27,919
If I could take one of those things back,
it would be seeing that awful cock.
96
00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:31,427
Looks like you've been getting a dog
to suck it off, but it chewed it...
97
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:34,657
...Iike it thought it was
a horrible old blood-and-cum-filled shoe.
98
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,268
Nurse, can you come here a minute?
I'm serious.
99
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:42,238
That is the worst penis
probably in the world.
100
00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:44,171
Nurse?
101
00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:48,804
Honestly, is that not the ugliest penis
you've ever seen in your life?
102
00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:52,610
Yes, doctor, it's very ugly.
Very ugly, very ugly.
103
00:05:52,785 --> 00:05:56,687
She's a nurse, so....
Stop it. Come on, man.
104
00:05:56,856 --> 00:06:00,724
If that's your penis and testicles,
what's your anus gonna be like?
105
00:06:00,893 --> 00:06:02,861
Well, we're not gonna find that out.
106
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:06,897
We are gonna find out, because I need
to give you a full rectal examination.
107
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,226
No, no. No way.
108
00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:12,235
Yes way. You're over 40, Louie, okay?
No more wanking around.
109
00:06:12,405 --> 00:06:14,464
This could save your life.
Okay, all right.
110
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,039
Come on.
All right.
111
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,473
Look, it's not very pleasant,
but it's necessary.
112
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:21,044
Okay, all right.
Okay, I'll be as gentle as I can.
113
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,842
Thank you. Ughh.
Sorry.
114
00:06:24,450 --> 00:06:27,283
Is that okay?
Yeah, that's okay.
115
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:30,513
How about that?
Yeah, that's all right.
116
00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,385
What about this?
Jesus Christ!
117
00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:35,686
What? This is serious.
What's wrong with you?
118
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:36,954
It's serious.
119
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,223
There's no way
it's supposed to go in and out.
120
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,663
Well, it can do. I'm a doctor.
Yeah.
121
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:44,325
And it tells me
that everything is fine up there.
122
00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:45,801
Jesus.
Listen.
123
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:49,806
I'm still going with AIDS,
but let's do some blood work and find out.
124
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:55,308
My days start poorly
because of the shape I'm in.
125
00:06:55,481 --> 00:07:00,316
Because now, also, I'm 42, so I'm getting--
I'm get-- I'm really on the decline.
126
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:03,011
There's never gonna be another year
of my life...
127
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:05,419
...that was better than the year before.
128
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:08,492
That's never gonna happen again.
129
00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:10,891
I've seen my best years.
130
00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:15,261
And when I wake up in the morning, I just--
I'm-- I just sit there and I'm like:
131
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,527
[GROANS]
132
00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:21,230
Like, it's an awful way to start your day.
Every day starts with me--
133
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:26,140
Like, my eyes open
and I reload the program of misery.
134
00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:30,976
I just open my eyes,
remember who I am...
135
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,512
...what I'm like...
136
00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:37,383
...and I go:
137
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:39,047
[GROANS]
138
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:44,219
"I guess. I guess, just do it. I don't know.
139
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:47,230
I guess. Oh, my God."
140
00:07:50,503 --> 00:07:52,494
Somebody called me
an Indian giver recently.
141
00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:55,300
I don't know if you've heard that
since you were kids...
142
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,102
...but we used to call each other--
143
00:07:57,276 --> 00:08:00,712
Indian giver is one of the most
offensive things you could ever--
144
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,940
Because what it's meant to be
is that someone gave you something...
145
00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:06,880
...then changed their minds.
That makes you an Indian giver.
146
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:10,045
And we equate this to the Indians...
147
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:14,660
...because our feeling is that
they gave us America, and then they--
148
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:18,263
Well, they didn't take it back, certainly,
but they changed their minds...
149
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:19,591
...about giving it to us.
150
00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:21,824
It's offensive
when you consider the truth...
151
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:24,799
...which is that we got here
and the Indians were like, "Hi."
152
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:27,201
And we were like,
"Hey, can we have everything?"
153
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:30,342
And they were like,
"Well, we don't know what 'have' means...
154
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:34,139
...but enjoy all the things that you need,
like we do."
155
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:37,282
So we start killing all of them.
And they were like:
156
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:40,681
"Oh, dude, could you not do that part
where you kill all of us?
157
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:42,844
Because that's kind of a drag for us."
158
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:46,219
And we were like,
"You guys are Indian givers. Oh, my God.
159
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:49,987
We're gonna name that after you.
You guys are dicks."
160
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:52,696
Anyway, thanks a lot, folks. Good night.
161
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:55,026
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
162
00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:01,673
We're gonna keep this show going,
gonna bring the next comic up.
163
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:04,605
Very funny guy. You guys might know him.
Nick DiPaolo.
164
00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:06,938
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
165
00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:10,974
How about a hand for the emcee
going through chemo, huh? All right.
166
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,948
Poor prick. Skinny, no hair.
How are you?
167
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,678
MAN:
Okay.
168
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:20,185
Welcome to the basement
of al Qaeda's hideout, and....
169
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:23,692
You think I'm kidding?
Those aren't Irish guys making your falafel.
170
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,592
How's it going?
It's a shitty night.
171
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:29,826
I have two tables, all black people,
so I know I'm not making no tips.
172
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:32,630
Are you being serious right now?
Yeah, look over there.
173
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:35,865
I have two tables, they're all black.
I'm working for free tonight.
174
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:38,602
No, I mean,
are you being seriously that racist?
175
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:39,870
What?
176
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,537
You don't know they're not gonna tip you.
Yes, I do.
177
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:45,707
Because they're black?
I've been waiting tables for five years.
178
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:48,080
I never got a tip from a black person,
not once.
179
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:51,815
First of all, I don't believe you.
Second of all, that's still racist.
180
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:55,017
I am not racist. Screw you.
181
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,652
What are you
talking about?
182
00:09:57,830 --> 00:10:00,162
She says black people don't tip.
183
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:04,030
Are you nuts? Niggas don't tip.
Everyone knows that.
184
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:07,366
Have you ever waited tables before?
No.
185
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,599
Then shut up, asshole.
186
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,402
This is how I know I'm getting old.
187
00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:13,135
I pulled a muscle in my neck...
188
00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:16,281
...giving my wife the finger
behind her back.
189
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:18,941
That's a true story.
190
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:23,578
We were having a fight, she walked
out of the kitchen, I went, ah, like that.
191
00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:26,190
Weird things are happening to my body
as I get older.
192
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:29,453
Ever hold a piss so long
it turns into a shit?
193
00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:32,925
That didn't happen
when I was in high school.
194
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,628
I know most of you guys here
voted for Obama...
195
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:39,930
...and I don't know ******* why, but....
196
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:41,903
Ooh. Listen to that silence, huh?
197
00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:45,441
Holy shit, I hit you
right in the white-guilt muscle, didn't I?
198
00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:49,276
I mean, can we quit calling Obama
the first black president?
199
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:52,811
My nipples are darker
than Barack Obama.
200
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:57,480
They're so in love with this guy.
Wanna give him his own national holiday.
201
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:58,885
He hasn't even been shot yet.
202
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:01,083
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
203
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:04,957
This is perfect, they hate my guts.
All right.
204
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,834
People are such hypocrites
down there.
205
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,062
I'm sure you did better
at the Hitler Youth rally.
206
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:17,573
Ha, ha. Liberal fag.
Yeah, okay, Himmler.
207
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:19,608
Why don't you go eat out
Obama's asshole?
208
00:11:19,779 --> 00:11:23,715
I would. I mean, I'm not gay,
but, you know, just to be part of history.
209
00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:25,612
Country's going to shit.
210
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:28,720
You Republicans are babies.
You've had your way for eight years.
211
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,015
Why can't you just
give somebody else a try?
212
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,249
Because it's a bullshit sham,
that's why.
213
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:36,486
He's in there because of white guilt
and affirmative action.
214
00:11:36,662 --> 00:11:39,722
Anybody who has the balls
to say that out loud is called a Nazi...
215
00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:41,366
...by deluded assholes like you.
216
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,729
Poor little Nazis
don't like being called Nazis.
217
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:46,303
I'm sorry.
Can you stop having this conversation?
218
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:49,236
When Bush was in office,
every time you put on the news...
219
00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:51,672
...all you saw was black people,
gays, liberals...
220
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:54,312
...just pissing and moaning
at how bad he was.
221
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,244
But now Obama's in there,
no one can say shit.
222
00:11:57,416 --> 00:12:00,214
You know, if it's like you say it is
and it's your turn...
223
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:02,684
...then why don't we get a say in it
like you did?
224
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:05,483
A white guy doesn't have a voice
in this country anymore.
225
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,523
We supposed to feel sorry
for white guys?
226
00:12:07,693 --> 00:12:10,685
What, is 10,000 years of
unchecked prosperity not enough for you?
227
00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:12,558
No, it's not. Give me 20-.
228
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,256
Well, how about 30-?
Yeah.
229
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:17,129
And then you can celebrate
with a big parade of soldiers...
230
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:21,069
...and have white columns with an eagle,
maybe red banners with a white circle...
231
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,801
...and something like this in the middle?
The Nazi thing? That all you got?
232
00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:27,411
That's why-- It's the same thing.
What is it, what?
233
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:31,175
It's one group getting what they want
over everyone else.
234
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:34,251
Oh, yeah.
Over-- What the **** is wrong with you?
235
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,547
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
236
00:12:36,722 --> 00:12:40,317
Pretend you're kidding, but you mean it.
My father fought those Nazis, okay?
237
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,927
So if you call me that again,
I'm gonna punch you.
238
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:46,553
All right, I won't call you that,
you Hitler Nazi piece of shit.
239
00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:48,563
NICK:
****
.
240
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:53,135
Mother--
Come on. Come on, guys, break it up.
241
00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:54,863
Come on.
******* ****
.
242
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,902
Come on.
NICK: Get off me.
243
00:12:58,077 --> 00:13:01,012
Get the **** off me. You cut my hand.
244
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:06,882
Goddamn it. Nice.
245
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:13,125
Jeez, man, it looks bad.
Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
246
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,862
WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Dr. Green, telephone, please.
247
00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:21,397
Dr. Green, telephone, please.
248
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,535
How long are they gonna make you wait?
249
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:27,069
I think the guy they're working on now
has a musket wound.
250
00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:32,302
Got blindsided by a Model T.
I heard he got stepped on by a dinosaur.
251
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:37,479
At least you got that dirty jizz rag there
seeping germs into your wound.
252
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:42,781
Yeah, and I think I saw the bartender
spit into it and wipe up some AIDS vomit.
253
00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:44,513
God.
254
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,517
So how are the kids?
Good.
255
00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:50,821
They're at my place. Babysitter.
256
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:53,089
They'll be waking me up
in about four hours.
257
00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:54,698
Must be nice.
258
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,562
[PHONE RINGS]
259
00:13:56,735 --> 00:13:58,066
Ah. It's Andi.
260
00:13:58,237 --> 00:14:00,228
Hello? Hey, babe.
261
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,806
Yeah, no. I'm out.
262
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:04,567
Nothing.
263
00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:06,540
Yeah. No, try to get some sleep.
264
00:14:06,712 --> 00:14:10,739
All right. You too. Bye.
265
00:14:11,483 --> 00:14:13,075
You didn't tell her where you are?
266
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,743
She's just gonna start worrying.
What's the use?
267
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:18,890
Must be nice having somebody
at home worrying for you.
268
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:21,583
You got your kids.
Yeah, but a wife.
269
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,389
I mean, I just think it's great that
you and Andi made it work, you know?
270
00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:28,931
You've been together, what, 15 years?
Yeah, well, it ain't easy.
271
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:31,535
Well, at least you did it.
272
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:32,898
Miss your wife?
273
00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:37,236
No, but I envy you.
274
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:41,003
The other day, I get a package
in the mail, right? It's from India.
275
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:45,810
I'm like, "What the hell's this shit?"
So I open it up. It's a brick of Viagra.
276
00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,948
I look over at Andi, she's grinning.
277
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:52,147
Oh, my God.
278
00:14:52,758 --> 00:14:56,990
Yeah, she ordered it online,
you know. I feel bad. She's lonely.
279
00:14:57,162 --> 00:15:01,064
But she's gorgeous,
I don't wanna be with anybody else...
280
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,997
...but, you know, some nights...
281
00:15:04,169 --> 00:15:07,764
...I don't know, I'd just rather
have a burger and hit the sack.
282
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,704
Yeah, but you're working it out.
283
00:15:10,876 --> 00:15:12,935
Yeah, we started counseling...
284
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:16,309
...and every other night, I stick a wooden,
medicated boner in her...
285
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:19,349
...and now we sit around
waiting to see who's gonna die first.
286
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:21,247
That's about it.
Jesus Christ, Nick.
287
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:25,481
I mean, we're getting old, Lou.
I mean, we can't have kids anymore.
288
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,626
Um....
289
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,384
I don't know.
290
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,928
At one point, one of us is
gonna leave the other behind.
291
00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,599
Oh, jeez.
292
00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:40,770
I guess this is where the letter C comes
for her dialysis.
293
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,601
[LOUIE LAUGHING]
294
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:49,674
LOUIE: Sorry about your hand, man.
NICK: It's all right.
295
00:15:49,848 --> 00:15:53,045
I don't jerk off anymore
and can lift the toilet seat with the other.
296
00:15:53,218 --> 00:15:54,685
I'm fine.
297
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:59,355
I'm sorry I called you a Nazi.
Don't worry about it, faggot.
298
00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:07,726
Hey, seriously, man.
You got your kids. You're lucky.
299
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:10,300
I'm happy for you, really.
300
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,835
Thanks, Nick.
Remember when we were in our 20s...
301
00:16:13,005 --> 00:16:16,065
...we used to come home this late
because we were out getting laid?
302
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:18,370
We never got laid.
303
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:20,444
[LAUGHS]
304
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:29,911
LOUIE: I remember one time
I was with a friend of mine...
305
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:33,081
...who lives in New York also,
and we went to pick up his cousin.
306
00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:34,953
She lived on a farm her whole life.
307
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:38,096
Her family was this weird family
that kept their kids on a farm.
308
00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:40,356
Her parents finally died,
so she got to leave.
309
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:44,935
And so she came down to visit her cousin,
my friend, in the city...
310
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:47,732
...and so we picked her up
at Port Authority Bus Station.
311
00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:50,966
She had never been to any city before,
and we're picking her up...
312
00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:53,737
...at the Port Authority,
that smelly hole of a place.
313
00:16:53,912 --> 00:16:55,573
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
314
00:16:55,748 --> 00:17:00,014
And we pick her up there,
and she's just freaking out at New York.
315
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:01,812
She's never seen anything like it.
316
00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:04,615
And we pass this homeless guy,
and she sees him.
317
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:08,089
I mean, we all passed him,
but she saw him.
318
00:17:08,927 --> 00:17:12,454
She's the only one who actually saw him.
We didn't.
319
00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:15,998
Me and her cousin were like, "So?
He's supposed to be there. So what?
320
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:20,400
There's a perfectly good reason
why that's not me and it's him.
321
00:17:20,572 --> 00:17:23,564
The right people always win,
I'm sure of it."
322
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:28,202
But so there he is--
And this dude was particularly homeless.
323
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:33,682
He was one of those
high-octane homeless, smelly--
324
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,183
Just piss smell.
325
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:39,222
The unbelievable piss smell, just--
He was piss.
326
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:43,191
He didn't just smell like piss, he was--
When you piss, he comes out.
327
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:46,229
That's what-- That's how much....
328
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:50,835
It's just this dude
with garbage all over him.
329
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,335
I don't know if he had gathered it
for warmth...
330
00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:56,963
...or folks just went, ech, all day.
331
00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:02,906
And he had dreadlocks.
332
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:07,075
Not Hacky Sack, cool-guy,
medical-marijuana dreadlocks...
333
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:13,953
...just human-neglect clumps of hair.
334
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:19,359
A clump of hair for every year
that no one knew his name or cared.
335
00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:23,434
Yeah, that's who you've been laughing at
the last 10 minutes.
336
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:26,868
That's how bad it was.
337
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:30,167
And again,
me and my friend were just like, meh.
338
00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:34,610
His cousin immediately just gets--
She's like, "Oh, my God."
339
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:35,974
She takes a knee.
340
00:18:36,148 --> 00:18:40,016
I'm not even taking a real knee now.
That's how little I give a shit about the guy.
341
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:43,677
He's not even here and I'm still like,
"Eh. Yeah, that's close enough."
342
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:49,284
She goes, "Oh, my God, sir.
Are you okay? What happened?"
343
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:53,958
"What happened?" America happened.
344
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,727
What do you mean, "What happened?"
345
00:18:56,902 --> 00:19:00,338
So she's down there:
"Sir, can we call someone?"
346
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:02,599
And me and my friend--
This is the crazy part.
347
00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:05,538
We immediately go to her,
"Oh, no, no, no, honey, don't...."
348
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:11,946
We start correcting her behavior
like she's doing something wrong.
349
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:15,018
She's like, "Why, is he okay?"
"No, he needs you desperately.
350
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:19,317
That's not the point.
We just don't do that here.
351
00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:23,690
You silly country girl."
352
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:35,133
[PHONE RINGING]
353
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:36,999
Hello?
354
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,644
Louie? Hi, it's Dr. Ben.
355
00:19:39,811 --> 00:19:42,507
Hey, what's up, man?
Yeah, yeah. How are you?
356
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:46,481
Um....
Look, I got back your blood work.
357
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:48,343
Yeah?
358
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,819
Yeah, listen--
Oh, sorry about being an ass, by the way.
359
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:56,324
The thing is, I need you to come back in
to do some more tests.
360
00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,429
What--? What for?
361
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:05,059
Well, your blood work shows
that you may have...
362
00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:09,799
...slight big-fat-ginger-uglyitis.
363
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,938
Oh, my God. You're such a dick.
364
00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:21,480
No, um, you've got AIDS.
That's what I thought, and it proved--
365
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:23,985
Don't worry,
the cancer is gonna kill the AIDS...
366
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:27,148
...before it kills you quite slowly
and painfully.
367
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:28,350
No, no, I'm--
368
00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:31,257
You do have cancer, though,
loads of it, in your scrotum.
369
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:33,898
In fact, that's all there is in the scrotum.
370
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:37,661
No balls at all,
just two healthy lumps of cancer...
371
00:20:37,836 --> 00:20:41,533
...that replaced the horrible
old squidgy bollocks that were there.
372
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:43,538
And that's gonna kill you as well.
373
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:48,772
So, by the way, the AIDS shows--
It's very extensive.
374
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:52,212
It shows that you got the AIDS
from raping a little blind boy.
375
00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:56,812
Louie?
376
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:13,960
[English - US - PSDH]
31432
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