All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S02E06.Alan.Wide.Shut.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

This programme contains
very strong language.

..We're talking
about what people will look like in
a billion years' time. ..Carry on.

'I don't think we'll have hair.
We'll be...completely hairless.'

Are you hairy, Mary?

'No.' What?

'NO!' Righ... Right.

'But I think at the end
of the day what will happen is
we'll all be more or less the same,

'but with bigger hands,

'and eyes and sex organs.'

Well,
I wonder what that will look like.

'Look in the back of a spoon...

'..in the bathroom.'

Goodbye, Mary! Traffic!

JINGLE:
BEEP!
'Out the way, f-BLEEP-ing idiot!'

'You can get a bus through there,
you f-BLEEP-ing c-BLEEP-nt!'
BEEP!

BEEPING AND SHOUTING
'Traffic report...' Get rid of that.
That's annoying.

On the A146 just past Luddon,
a lorry filled with livestock
has jackknifed,

shedding its load over both lanes.
What that looks like!

Probably like something from Saving
Private Ryan but, er, with animals.

Tom Spockley, when?

Now, listeners, I have someone on
the line who fears he may be a gay.

He's married,
so he wishes to remain anonymous.
I shall only use his Christian name.

I'm talking to Domingo
in Little Oakley.

Nope, he's gone. Pity. There's
a marvellous tapas bar there.

It's two minutes to one so we might
as well go straight to Dave Clifton.

How you doing, all right? Yeah.
What's that you're reading?

It's the biography of an East End
gangster, called Bad Slags.
Amazing stuff.

Yeah, there's another word for it.

It's sa-a-ad that people find
it entertaining to read about men
called things like Stan the Stabber

who chop people's heads off
in half and knock their teeth out
with a hammer

as they couldn't repay a loan at
an uncompetitive rate of interest.

Is your book in trouble with Stan
the Stabber, then? What d'you mean?

From what I hear,
all the unsold copies are being
bundled into the back of a truck

and driven to a warehouse,
where they'll be literally pulped.

There's only one word for people
like you... Yeah? Tell you tomorrow.

Here's... Frig...friggers... That's
it, friggers! ..Salt and Pepa.

# Hit me, hit me

# Hit me with your rhythm stick
It's nice to be a lunatic

# Hit me, hit me... #
Only a few more nights
in the caravan.

We can celebrate by watching
Spartacus with corned beef hash.

Then afterwards, we'll make sweet
love. Then I'll drive you home. OK.

Actually, let's bring the
lovemaking forward. Come here...

Come here, you lucky, lucky lady.

Oh, Lynn! Lynn! Hello!

Just having some hygienic snogging.
Oh. Bye.

Right, I've nearly moved
everything into the house.

That's for you. What's this?
An invitation to my baptism.

Baptism?! How will you get
to the font? They'll need four men
to lift you! No, it's not a font.

It's a pool that they lower you
into.

Right, and if you sink, you're
a Baptist, and if you float...
you're evil. It's touch and go.

I just want you to stand by me with
a towel to help me dry myself. Lynn!
Five minutes ago, you were my PA,

and now you invite me to a
religious wet T-shirt competition!
I got you that Bad Slags book.

Do you still want to do
the radio show since all
your books have been incinerated?

Yes, and the books aren't being
incinerated, they're being pulped!

They could end up as a trestle
table in a home for battered women.
I'm putting something back.

Still annoyed about that book?
I am. Why do people buy
this rubbish about thugs

who lend you £100, and a week later,
you owe them a million?

I'm not exaggerating!
You buy a car off them and find out
it's two front ends welded together.

Send for an MOT
and get a note back saying they've
found some ribs in the oil sump!

Take the lid off the gear knob
and find a teste!

Alan, the builders
are waiting to sign off. OK.

I'll miss this caravan. I used
to enjoy sitting here like this...

Sometimes like this... Sometimes,
I'd lean forward and watch the TV.

Well...
There's a fourth position.
I'd like sitting here like this,

waiting for Sonja.

Yeah, we had some good times
on the banquette.

Alan? Ooh... Sorry.

The builders. Yes.

Ah, you've already made yourselves
comfortable on the banquette. Great.

Isn't it a bit tight in here?
Hmm, not really, no.
People always go on about space.

"Oh, nice to have space." People
forget you can get lost in space!

Could've done with a skylight.

Ah, well! I presume we'll all keep
in touch, now the work's finished.

I got you all a present. Ta.
Cheers, mate.

I won't tell you what it is.
Cheers.

It's a surprise...

Lynn, what the frig have
you got on your feet? Shoe covers.

You look like you live on a ward!
I got fed up getting my feet dirty.

They're like Action Man body bags.

Yeah, and it's fine to join in!

They're like bivvy bags
for your feet, if they want
to sleep or something, you know.

It's a development of what he said,
isn't it? Yeah, fine to join in.

Carl, want to add anything about
Lynn's shoe covers? Perhaps that
they're like a marquee for toes,

or a...or a foot tent,
something like that?
No.

I've got some stuff for your
bedroom. Have you decided which room
it's going to be?

Yes. Now, the bedroom, down
the corridor, last door on the left.

That's the box room - it's the same
size as your room in the caravan.
Is it? Yeah.

Fine. Squeeze a double bed in,
and I can open the door
and step up onto the bed.

Where are your clothes going to go?
A storage room - just a short
naked jog across the landing.

What happens when you've got
guests? Lynn, I'll cup myself!

I don't mean with an actual cup!

More like an egg cup. It wouldn't be
an egg cup. It'd be two egg cups,

and a kidney dish.

D'you want a pickled onion?
Er, no, I hate them. Oh.

It's a very laid-back petrol
station, this. Aye. You could have
a few sofas in here, couldn't you?

People could come in, relax, you've
got your petrol, it's fine. Aye.
This week's guest petrol is Texaco,

and, er...next week's guest petrol
will be...Texaco again.

And you've a great forecourt for a
lovely barbecue. You're not allowed
naked flames on the forecourt.

It's political correctness gone mad.

I'll tell you what amuses me,
Michael. It really amuses me
when people criticise my book

just because
I use the phrase "needless to say,
I had the last laugh" 14 times.

Because you and I know in my life
to date I've had the last laugh...
25 times. 25 times, exactly!

DING
That's my toad in the hole!
There she blows. Oh, lovely!

Look. I bet you never thought that
you could make toast in a microwave.

That's not toast, Michael,
that's hot floppy bread.

What did you do last night?
Watched a documentary on quicksand.

Then Sonja and I took our tops off
and had a cuddle...
followed by mince and onions.

Doesn't get much better than that!

Hey, it did for me!

I done a bit better than a cuddle.
I had full sex with a woman.

Go on! Go on! She was all over us!

I mean, she's a bit older
than me like. She's 60. 60!

What's wrong with that? Same
age difference as you and Sonja!
Yeah, but that's just wrong!

You shouldn't do it
the other way round. We did!

I suppose 60 is not really old, is
it? Uh-uh. Look at Bob Dylan. Aye.
She looked a bit like him.

What, with a big nose and lots
of mad hair? Aye, you know her?
No... How did you meet her?

Outside Threshers. She was loading
booze into her car and says, "I'm
drunk - drive us home to Cardiff?"

Cardiff?! Aye. I come back this
morning on a National Express coach.

Like a SAS operation - your mission
gan to Cardiff, have full sex with
a woman, come back on the coach.

Sort of like, er, Operation Bravo
Two Zero. Only in your case,
Michael, it was Bravo Six Zero.

By, er, Randy McNabb!

Aye, Randy McNob!
All right, stop that now. So, er,
how's you and Sonja getting on?

Er...never really thought about it.
She'll be along soon,
with a hot dessert.

The way she looks after you, you're
looking a gift horse in the mouth.
That's what you did last night.

So when's Lynn getting baptised,
then? Splashdown for Lynn
is 15.00 hours on Sunday.

Right. And is loverboy going to be
there - the ex-policeman? Gordon?

I hope he's not dunking.
I wouldn't like to be dunked
by a retired policeman.

He'd go, "Where's the money?!" Aye.
You'd say, "I don't know, I'm being
baptised." Down you go again.

Aye, aye, here comes Sonja.
Oh, the dinner lady. Aye. This is
rhubarb crumble and custard.

Smashing! Alan,
I am a homeless person. I went
to my flat, the landlady tells me

that we have to go because she must
sell the house because it will be
office block. I must find somewhere.

If it comes to the worst, you can
move in to...Lynn's mum's bedroom.

I won't sleep
in Lynn's dead mum's bed!

Well, Michael did something similar
last night, and he's very happy.

Come on, let's see one of these.

Actually, that's just weird.

Hello, and welcome back to
Prayer Wave with me, Tessa
McPherson.

I'm talking to Kate Fitzgerald...
Hi. ..whose book Someone Else charts
her self-discovery. Good title.

Er, it takes you through childhood
to your drug addiction and
prostitution. God. And then...

to your recovery, in a very upbeat
sort of a way. Mine's upbeat too.

Um, I should say at this point that
the other voice that you can hear is
my other guest, er, Alan Partridge.

Now, Alan had a TV chat show and was
quite a big name, and then, um...
then it all went very wrong...

And that's the subject
of your book, Bouncing Back.

Yeah. Yes, I noticed although Kate
in effect felt she bounced back,

I feel I have, had,
and are bounced...bouncing...

Er...I felt that...

Carry on talking to Kate while I
just um... OK. ..sort something out.

Can I borrow a pen? Yes. Thanks.
..How's the book doing? Wonderfully.

The best feedback for me is people
just coming up to me and saying...
Yeah, well, I'm all right now. Um...

Through me they've found a friend.
They've found hope... No, no...
Hold on.

It's been very well received. Sorry,
sorry...I'm sorry... It's quite
distracting when you interrupt.

Well, you just interrupted her!
Um, Alan - "Bouncing Back" -

you meant it ironically, didn't you,
because you haven't bounced back,
have you? Not emotionally,

and...I think, in a sense,
not in a career way, either.
How do you feel about that?

What? Tessa's saying you haven't
bounced back. I haven't read it,
I've skimmed it, but... I have!

I'm doing...I'm doing
Norfolk Nights,

and a show called Skir... Why are
you shaking your head? Trying to
put me off? Two can play that game!

I know... I know you've
had problems in the past...

It's 11.30. We...
Sorry, it's your show!

So, er, yes, Bouncing Back.
You fell quite spectacularly,
didn't you? Yeah, all right!

Do you slow down for car crashes?

The point I'm trying to make,
really, is that you know I've been
looking for the positives in your
book,

and it is a book that's full of joy.
But it's chiefly joy at other
people's misfortunes.

I noticed lots of bitterness. You
end every anecdote with "needless
to say, I had the last laugh."

Well, you could end some of your
chapters with "needles to say...

"..I...I took drugs."

If I can turn to you, Kate.
Yeah, sure.

You come from a privileged
background. Materially,
yes, but emotionally undernourished.

My father was distant. He lived
in a different wing of your house?

Have you read my book? No, but I've
seen the photographs on the spine,

and I read the bit where you say
you put drugs up your bottom. Why?
You've got a perfectly good mouth.

Easy to confuse the two.
People can actually end up
talking out of their arse, Alan.

Let's talk more about drug
addiction. You were hooked on a
variety of drugs? Yeah. I started on
crack.

That's not like crackling, is it?
No. It's a joke. I love crackling.

Had it last Sunday.
Had hairs on it, but I didn't mind.

And then the dependency grew worse?
Yeah. My drug of choice was ketamin,

which is a horse tranquiliser.

Shit!

Did you get that by hanging around
stables? You do seem quite posh.

I can imagine you with wellies and
a sleeveless anorak. The name for
it is a gilet. No, that's a razor.

Could've used it for the crackling!

You ever shaved your crackling?

Um, yes, ketamin.
Yeah, why give drugs to a horse?
Why drag them into it?

They use ketamin to tranquilise
the horse and then to extract the
horse's semen. How do they do that?

I don't know. The same way you
would a human being? Send them
to a cubicle with magazines?

They've got hooves,
for goodness sake!

Four of them! It'd take some doing,
but I can't see it.

We've strayed from the topic.
It's interesting that you
both have addictive personalities.

Clearly, in your case, it was drugs.
..For you, Alan, it was chocolate.
Yes, specifically Toblerone.

Yeah, I, um, I would wake up
in the middle of the night and,
er, eat an entire Toblerone.

And I don't mean...
I don't mean a small one,
I mean a medium-sized one.

The best chapter in my book
is about when I gorged on Toblerone
and drove to Dundee in my bare feet.

Chocolate addiction
is never going to be
as destructive as drug addiction.

What's her book like? I really
don't like being referred to as her.
All right, what's his book like?

I don't know your name -
Tara Peter-Frampton-double-barrel-
shotgun-Kensington-on-the-horse!

You really have got a lot of issues.
Yeah, of "What Car?" magazine.

That's a first on Prayer Wave!
No-one's ever walked out before!

Yes, the atmosphere's turned rather
sour! Yes, let's smooth things over

with more from Montiverdi's Vespers.

Good band.

Thank you for coming on the show.
Slightly more exciting
than I'd anticipated!

Yes. Oh, this is my PA, Lynn. Hello.
You must guest on my show sometime.

We discuss issues - Europe,
conspiracies, what happens if you
just eat crisps, things like that.

That sounds interesting, actually.
We're currently revamping this show.

I'm looking for a co-presenter,
so it'd be interesting to talk
to you about those ideas.

I'm producer as well as presenter.
Interesting! I didn't know you,
and yet I still got in with you.

Oh, I forgot to say
I am so-o-o a Christian.

It's not a prerequisite for
being on the programme! Come on.

But no, it's more to do with our
family remit. Well, I love families.
I used to have one. But it left me.

Er... This one's a Baptist.
Yes, Lynn's being, er, submerged
this week, for her sins, literally.

You're welcome to come along. Oh!

Wonderful!
Have you been preparing long?
LYNN: Yes.

Uhh... Lynn?

Lynn? Lynn?!

The force of the Holy Spirit...
It's quite extraordinary...

Shall we make tracks?

Alan, when is your book being
destroyed? It's not being destroyed.
The correct term is "pulped"!

They're pulping
the remaining unsold 14,000 copies
of my book next Thursday,

so they can make room for books on
Cockney killers. What is Cockney?

Cockney, Sonja, is an area
in London where criminals live.

The police don't arrest them
as they only slaughter their own.

And they have funerals with horses
and floral tributes that
say things like "Mum" and "Stab".

They don't sounds so evil -
these men like flowers! Sonja,
some of the stunts they pull!

They chain you
to a clamped car, so to get free,
you have to phone the council,

but can't, because they've shoved
your mobile phone up your backside.
It won't hurt much. It only small.

No, Sonja this is in the late '80s,
when mobile phones were like
big black plastic bricks

with a rubber bread stick sticking
out of the top. It was agony.

Maybe it was, mmm...vibrating phone.
It quite pleasant!

Sonja, this is no laughing matter.

If you're at a funfair,
these guys might put your head
in a candyfloss machine!

They might be having a great laugh
at you with your big pink hair, but
you may be very, very dizzy!

Now, Sonja, I have been thinking
about your impending homelessness,

and I've come to a decision.

I want you to move in. Really?
Make the place your own.

I can't believe!
I've bought you the caravan.
I don't live in the house with you?

Have you seen the size of the box
room? I want you here. You'll be my
very own John West tinned woman!

Skipjack Sonja in brine! OK!

And I can visit whenever I want?

Best if I come and see you. Yeah.
Or we'll set up a signalling system.

If you see a bottle of ketchup in
the kitchen window it means "let's
make love" - I'm feeling saucy.

You want me to pay rent?

I'm sure we can come
to an arrangement! You are sure
you don't want me to pay rent?

No, it's fine. As I said,
we can come to an arrangement.

And so I came to know a warm woman
with a smile for everyone.
So let's hear it for Lynn.

Go on Lynn, lass!

She didn't like being in that water,
did she? See her thrashing around?
Aye. It's on here. It's hilarious!

That was lovely. Yes, it was like
a...very moving sheep dip.

I'm down to do a spot now and I'll
be saying interesting things about
God, so if you hang around... Oh,

I've got to go, Alan...
I'll do it now, I'll do it now!

Hello.

You, er, probably don't know me.

I'm Alan Partridge. I host
Norfolk Nights on Radio Norwich

and Skirmish, a military-based
general knowledge quiz on a cable
TV channel called UK Conquest.

But, er, today is Lynn's day

and what a tragedy that
the one person who can't be here
is Lynn's mum Peggy, who is dead.

We didn't see eye to eye.
There was a lot of bad blood,

which was also one of the
complications she had at the end.

But, um, I'm digressing.

Today is Lynn's day,
and she has bounced back

in the same way that I have,

um, because God is...
is a very positive God.

When he tried to create the world
in six days, there were people
who said, "It can't be done,"

although he hadn't created people
then.

But criticism bounced off him like
water off a...not a duck's back -
he hadn't invented ducks either...

Anyway, where was I, or is I? Is...
was - Tiswas! Who remembers Tiswas?

The '70s!

Space hoppers and, er, sweets they
don't make any more and, um, er...

..er...

er...Kojak!

The, er..."Who loves you, baby?"

Urgggh... Lollipop.

Um, sorry, it's not going very well.

I'm gonna kill meself. Where's me
shotgun? Click, click, click, oooh!

Can't get me toe on the trigger.
Oh, got it. Pow!

Th-That's it, that's it.
And...to Lynn.

FAINT APPLAUSE

Sorry about that.
I won't do the shotgun thing on the
radio. That's just for the Baptists.

Anyway, I've really got to go.
Go, go, go, go, go!

Go. Hello, Alan.

Can I say, I love your radio show.
Oh, thank you very much.

I read your book. Oh.
It didn't really work for me.

Fuck off.

At first, Alan was shy before we
make love. He was shy of his body,

but I tell to him, it doesn't mind,
it's what's inside what matter.

And Alan is pretty well hung, so...

And now, when we make love,
he's like a big good bear...

Listen, I'm sorry about that before.
You just caught me at a bad moment.

Perfectly understandable.

So I hear your book's being pulped?
Fuck off!

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Er, yes, he is.
Did he give you my number?

Michael, it's a Nerris for you.

Hello?

Oh, hiya!

Nerris, aye,
so I know your name now, eh?

No, I can still smell you, cos I
haven't had a shower or owt... Aye.

LYNN LAUGHS

Lynn, Lynn!

Lynn? I've been eating Toblerone...

I've eaten four and I've got two
white ones left...but I don't like
them as much as the dark ones. Hmm.

- Hello again.
- Not happy.

Sorry, just when you have a book
out and you get lots of criticism,

it's very difficult to, er...

I understand. Unfortunately,
people would rather read books

about people called Dan the Dagger
Man from Dagenham. Funny world.

Tortures you by putting your hair
in a fax machine and pressing send.

What was wrong with my book?
Don't pull any punches. I don't
think anecdotes are your forte.

Oh, fair enough... So, you
don't think I can tell anecdotes?

Can you pop that down for a second?

Right, I'll tell you an anecdote!

In 1975, I was catching
the London train from Crewe Station.

I was in a rush for the last seat
with a tall man with collar length
hair. It was the '70s. Buckaroo.

When I sat on the chair, I realised
it was none other than Peter Purvis.

It was at the height
of his Blue Peter fame.

He said, "You jammy bastard,"
and, quick as a flash, I replied,
"Don't be blue, Peter."

Needless to say,
I had the last laugh. Now fuck off.

Alan Partridge.
Come to see my book being pulped.

# Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel

# Never ending nor beginning
On an ever-spinning reel... #

It's great to put something back...

There's a lot of dignity in this.

It looks like porridge!

Word porridge.

There's my book! There's my book!

Thanks for the souvenir. No problem.

Did Blue Peter want to do
a documentary here? No, not here.

Must be somewhere else, then.

# ..Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of a song

# Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?

# When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware

# That the autumn leaves were
turning to the colour of her hair. #

Yeah.